tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80843271463801470282024-02-18T21:14:15.551-08:00.FEAR OF A SNACK PLANET.This planet of ours has snacks lurking around every corner both near and far. This blog is a document of the hunt and consumption of those treats found around the globe.dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.comBlogger160125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-34995055937832876992013-12-08T20:19:00.001-08:002013-12-08T20:19:06.787-08:00.FOOrD BLOrG. Stick with it! (or don't... maybe stick with not sticking with it.)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I am not a big quote person. Like, I am not too into quoting other people. It just seems weird to me that people fuel their lives & ambitions with the words of others. Perhaps though, that is because I often don't quite get what the point is. For instance; "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." To me that sounds like "When things get difficult, you should leave. Look, it is either stick around and get sweaty and uncomfortable or go do something less challenging." My interpretation makes sense to me but it is hardly the point of the initial quote. </div>
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Thanks to the Internet I have to read quotes from people all the time. Which I do not understand. Its like saying "Here is something I wish I had said." Or "I found a sentence that says something but then I thought about it and it meant something more." Either way, I don't think those people are smart for reading a sentence or short paragraph and copying it for everyone to see. Look, I am not saying people shouldn't stick up for what they believe in I just think it would mean more if you used your own words. </div>
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I know. I know. You might be thinking "Geez who rained on your parade?" To which I will say two things: 1. Don't make slight of me owning a parade. You don't know what I aspire to. I don't say "Who rained on your Person Who Has A Hiney For A Head Convention (that you are presently king of.) Maybe I had a package of tostada shells fall on my head today. Yeah, and maybe it happened twice. Double yeah, and maybe my head broke all the shells. Yes, I am having that kind of day. However I am trying to move past it. You know "Cuz whatever doesn't kill you....should literally kill you for using this stupid expression." (That sounded right.) </div>
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So today we are talking about sticks. Snacks on sticks. Also today we are talking about "Sticking with it." (Sigh) I don't know, lets just get to the first snack.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ669ZOQ_5_wNhyphenhyphenkMf21UTzCj78G5Uz2xMt8cBuG-PfyQ_1U4NWInegQGjg9qLs-R8D2cN7WyNFZQT1ofzbL4R8skEYabhOmLnLUJjHxJLGzhop_d5fmYLzuhe-0FAREEAhz3U3yrSNPmI/s1600/stickjapanchocofront.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ669ZOQ_5_wNhyphenhyphenkMf21UTzCj78G5Uz2xMt8cBuG-PfyQ_1U4NWInegQGjg9qLs-R8D2cN7WyNFZQT1ofzbL4R8skEYabhOmLnLUJjHxJLGzhop_d5fmYLzuhe-0FAREEAhz3U3yrSNPmI/s320/stickjapanchocofront.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Well would you look at that grin! Here is a little guy that can't help but to make you smile. S got me this little treat from Fubon on 82nd here in Portland, OR. It looks like he is having a hell of a party there. Yep. Everyone seems to have shown up. There is Cup Dude, Chocolate Pie Head, Purple Alien Bee, Red Monkey Devil, Capt. Onion Noggin, and Wind Chill Faced Pete! (I don't actually know any of these characters. Prior to S giving me this I had no idea it existed. Clearly it is from something though. Maybe a TV show or a comic book. Something fun for sure.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwq2r5bDJljT0So0m4LN_vIs9V_XW9T1Hgo31xRKm8zhUIqHfnCQHlnO2is-xTwrOObUrEfzkMi2opbCsVblCrsbe53oAInFJ_2A98dvCk44NvQALS1SiamiYU53qkwShR1pAwO42MS2bq/s1600/stickjapanchocoback.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwq2r5bDJljT0So0m4LN_vIs9V_XW9T1Hgo31xRKm8zhUIqHfnCQHlnO2is-xTwrOObUrEfzkMi2opbCsVblCrsbe53oAInFJ_2A98dvCk44NvQALS1SiamiYU53qkwShR1pAwO42MS2bq/s320/stickjapanchocoback.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Uh huh. Here we can see a small boy telling secrets to severed heads. Ah to be young again. (*Side note: Is that boy nude cuz it looks like his winkie is danglin' there.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiblzHafJpXs2Noiv06O_SUcoX1WTs91dHzCy-3Hp-R-3d-ERPps_lPCGIq57lFJoAHhpvhhqlA3_dpGLO1CBlOOTGrn4HtkvVRjH2bkXyVGXeFP7Hq8T5yq4A_1e1GJ0xD0MCLI6w86laj/s1600/stickjapanchocoactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiblzHafJpXs2Noiv06O_SUcoX1WTs91dHzCy-3Hp-R-3d-ERPps_lPCGIq57lFJoAHhpvhhqlA3_dpGLO1CBlOOTGrn4HtkvVRjH2bkXyVGXeFP7Hq8T5yq4A_1e1GJ0xD0MCLI6w86laj/s320/stickjapanchocoactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Hot Damn! That is cute. Isn't it? Isn't that just the bees knees? (By that I of course mean, it doesn't exist. Yeah, the saying implies that it is great or ideal but in truth, bees don't have knees. The world you are living in is a lie.) This sucker though, is darling. Lets see how it tastes:<br />
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S- This tastes like Quik. Like that instant chocolate milk. Nesquik, yeah. Well, the pink part tastes like strawberry as well. It seems like a lot of money for a little amount of chocolate. I think they were really banking on the cute points here. I give it a 3 out of 5.<br />
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d- Well, I like that it is fudgy and not chalky. You are right, it does taste like Quik. 3.5- Foreign Languages. Look, I studied French for 4 years. I went to France. I spoke less than 4 words. (*I'd like to pause this post to share with you my french expertise: Je pense le thon est comme ci comme ca. = I think the tuna is neither here nor there. Je mange la saucisson. = I eat the sausage. Ou est tu biftek gar? = Where is your beef station. I am not sure if that is the proper conjugation for beef station. You learn that in the 5th year.) Seriously. You don't need it. Don't stick to learning that stuff. Learn something universally bad ass like nun chucks.-out of 5.<br />
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Alright, next we have this lollipop. This is a sriracha flavored lollipop. It was a gift from my parents. I don't know where it came from. However any simple search will result in lots of people offering this candy now. Since everything has gone sriracha. Mayo, chips, ketchup, donuts, candy, you name it and someone is putting this sauce into it. Don't get me wrong. It is fine. (Full of weird stuff, but fine.)<br />
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S- This isn't spicy at all. It is supposed to taste like sriracha? It just tastes like dust. I do not like this. 1 out of 5.<br />
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d- Peanut? Dusty peanut. Why do I get a nut flavor? There is a touch of heat in the throat of the finish. Barely any heat. This tastes like an old candy shell that was once on a nut. This is like old plastic and dusty corn syrup. You know what? This tastes exactly like this time my father brought home a candy machine and we had it in our garage. (Yeah, mad cool dad points right there.) One side had peanut M&Ms and the other had some kind of red candy shell nut situation going on. This tastes like the cheap shell on those nuts. Clearly this was an attempt to cash in on a trend. This happens all too often. Oh a basil jalapeno lollipop? Then you get it and it barely tastes like anything. Or worse it just tastes like one thing. Then you can call it a "one trick pony." (Which I must say that whomever coined that term was really ungrateful to have a pony at all. Most people would be fine with a no trick pony. Like it just does average pony things. Let alone one that can pull a nickel out of your ear. Do you know how hard it is for a pony to get even one nickel? Plus once the pony finds these nickles where is a pony going to keep a nickle? Yeah, so don't count your blessings until they are...chickens. Which of a feather, will flock together...) Typical. I give this snack a 1-Karate! Don't stick with karate or any type of fighting. Just try to avoid every scenario where that would be needed. Ninja parties. Ninja garage sales. Ninja knitting circles. Ninja pilates. Hot Yoga for Ninjas. Any type of Ninja fight club, which can be a challenge because nobody is talking about it being a Ninja fight club. To avoid that last one just always talk about ninja fight club. If you are somewhere and people aren't into talking about ninja fight club, you are in a ninja fight club. Pretty much steer clear of any and all ninja functions. Even with your beacoup nun chuck training it won't go the way you think. Just do some squat thrusts and meditate-out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWoQrd94EpOg2ZKaJaiVzPdn1kXHnW7BbBt9cNuZ22wcvvSp3rEHvIqtLixoR8-cKRydDUemq2Pk8U7zQ8d5lu-wbN713iFIaCbOHpe0SueKZozGs6bRXC_7ggJaREcyanL69M38bHjRQs/s1600/stickrockelettafront.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWoQrd94EpOg2ZKaJaiVzPdn1kXHnW7BbBt9cNuZ22wcvvSp3rEHvIqtLixoR8-cKRydDUemq2Pk8U7zQ8d5lu-wbN713iFIaCbOHpe0SueKZozGs6bRXC_7ggJaREcyanL69M38bHjRQs/s320/stickrockelettafront.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Oh man, if there is one place that pretty much never fails to let me down in the snack dept. (esp. candy) it is Mexico. Here we have the Rockaleta. It is a sucker with not one but four layers of chili powder and four flavors before you reach the gum center. That might sound like a real deal of a treat to you. That is, if you have never eaten the atrocities that are candies from Mexico.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguYMqrpzMMNKuv94PcCP395laLfkgItY57GuG3Oizmma9fA6p5sDpgKAHIQ9WoY1MsPDrLcZ-7QXOlc2aUxQ2cZUzudDCXl5dqf4yTmmEWU4hu49MEYSoSA-1EYeswLatgkbDpRh8Htz7f/s1600/stickrockelettacloseup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguYMqrpzMMNKuv94PcCP395laLfkgItY57GuG3Oizmma9fA6p5sDpgKAHIQ9WoY1MsPDrLcZ-7QXOlc2aUxQ2cZUzudDCXl5dqf4yTmmEWU4hu49MEYSoSA-1EYeswLatgkbDpRh8Htz7f/s320/stickrockelettacloseup.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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"A better way to rock?" I can think of a better way to rock. Actual rocks. Yes. I would rather eat an actual rock than this sucker. Look at how disturbing that sucker is. It is a hard candy with teeth. That is so very creepy. That is like a tooth with teeth in it. (Your nightmares will thank me for that.) Now about the sunglasses. WTF? If a living sucker needed any type of protective eye wear...sunglasses? How about goggles? Yeah, think about it! If a giant tongue is going to erode your face, the first thing to go will be your supple orbs of vision. (Your nightmares will thank me for that as well.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgtfyYTIZ93eoDf8vwQElXDZBgr-oWrL0TBjmyty0nGC9ddO1czWhK68DbqkCgiGGctMWDEqO-8W99oVRavzx0dpE5TXoRUQxEMpvJVVA5oA3LLPzRawIASZTc3fpyJ5hLuseFUXU11jwT/s1600/stickrockelettaactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgtfyYTIZ93eoDf8vwQElXDZBgr-oWrL0TBjmyty0nGC9ddO1czWhK68DbqkCgiGGctMWDEqO-8W99oVRavzx0dpE5TXoRUQxEMpvJVVA5oA3LLPzRawIASZTc3fpyJ5hLuseFUXU11jwT/s320/stickrockelettaactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Oh no. It looks even grosser than I thought. If you don't see the evil there it is because you can't tell or don't know that each layer of chili has salt as well. Yes. It is like someone who has never had candy designed this candy. "Hey Alonzo, do you like candy?" "Do I like what? I have literally never heard of or had whatever you are talking about. Is it like butts and trash?" "Um, close enough. You are hired to create Rockaletta!" (Pretty sure that is how it went down.)<br />
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Here is how it went down for us:<br />
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S-Ugh. It is salty!!! It is salty and leathery! (I should note that at this point she made a seriously grossed out face!) I can't eat this anymore. It is like somebody sweated on my candy. It is seriously disgusting. I don't even need to know what the other layers taste like. I give it a 0 and feel bad for the zero for being in relation to this. It is one of the worst.<br />
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d- Ok. It smells like if evil had breath. The stagnant breath of evil is probably their tag line for this. Ugh. It tastes salty. Not the kind of salt that you'd attribute to food either. This tastes "of a body." (Your nightmares are going to need to write me a Thank You card.) So far this sucker smells of leathery earth and tastes like the salt from a body. Mmmmm. At this point even being disgusted had lost all sense of fun. My eyes began to tear up a bit and not because of the chili. The chili isn't hot. I really don't know what is in here. It just tastes gritty and powdery with a hint of tang. The bad kind of tang. So I walked into the kitchen so that if I vomited I would be close to the sink or toilet and began biting at the horrid curse of a confection. Small shards of salty garbage began breaking off and sticking to my teeth. Sticking! Here I was battling it out with the Rockaleta and I was losing. My mouth started to do that salivating thing. You know the one that happens when you start really doing some serious self talk "It's OK. Keep it down. Don't think about it. Certainly don't think of the term "of a body." However I had to press onward. This was all for a very serious and well read blog after all. (Hi mom. Hello wife. They are separate people.) Then suddenly it gave way and I bit thru to the center. Did it look like the packaging? No. Not at all. It looked like the inside of a really cheap candy. The colors were all muddled and dingy looking. It looked like it regretted looking like that almost as much as I regretted looking. You know that moment in horror films where the monster realizes it is the monster and that it is unnatural and must go? That is how the Rockaleta looked. So I threw it in the trash. Not the compost. The trash. I would have burned it if I could or shot it out into deep space like in Aliens. I don't even know if there were four different tastes of evil in this candy or just 4 different stages of regret for your tongue to wade through. I give this snack a 0- TV Series. Anytime someone says that a show isn't great but stick with it and it gets..... No. How about I just watch something interesting. You can tell me about your show but I am not going to spend hours getting to know characters and waiting for some kind of tension or messed up decision. God forbid it be set in the current times as well. I am not interested in castles, princes, maidens, townsfolk, kings etc... I doth not care!!!-out of 5.<br />
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Next we have cotton candy from a store here in N. Portland called Candy Babel. The owner makes the cotton candy (which I hear is tricky due to moisture and well the fact that this is Oregon.) She also makes it without some kind of caking chemical that is in most cotton candy. This flavor is Black Currant.<br />
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S-I like it. The flavor is great. I don't know if I really know what black currant tastes like but this is good. The flavor is really interesting and the texture is quite cottony. I mean this is great cotton candy. 5 out of 5.<br />
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d- Wow. You said it so perfectly that I'd like to quote you. "I like it. The flavor is great. I don't know if I really know what black currant tastes like but this is good. The flavor is really interesting and the texture is quite cottony. I mean this is great cotton candy." -S<br />
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I give this snack a 5-Working Out. You really don't need to always be "taking it to the max." Sometimes just take it half ways to the max. Lets be honest, people who workout a ton also look like they stare at themselves nude a lot. (and they are into it.) I am all for taking care of yourself. Sure. Not every man needs to drink beer until he is shaped like a lumberjack Alfred Hitchcock at 30. I am just saying it is weird if the person who you are intimate with is more into their own body than yours. While we are being honest, anytime I see someone who is too fit I mentally tell them to "Eat a sandwich." It is OK. Be a person. Oh and maybe just tell your coach at the gym or whatever about how many miles you run every hour and how many squat thrusts you do in your sleep. You don't see me publicly talking about all the candy I eat.-out of 5.<br />
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Lastly today we have a real treat. One that will really blow your mind! It comes from Japan. I ordered it and I will order more. Like a box of them. I know I should leave this for the end but I can't talk about this candy without glowing. So you can see on the front that it is 1-3 something or 13 something. There is also a cute little face! We can also see a lemon and something green. Not sure maybe a lime or apple and on the other side we see grapes. Ok. Grape flavor and Japan? You know this is going to be amazing.<br />
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Here you have your typical story. A man with a nice haircut tied a bow on a horse made of fish that he bought from a cheeky panda who was constipated. Then he blacked out until he was awoken by a dog stealing his bone. 20+ times. Pretty sure that is what it means.<br />
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Really quickly I wanted to show you the close up of this little one. What does that say? Probably "Look at how freaking adorable this is! (While I am feeling particularly bitter. What is with people who say "adoughable" for adorable? It is horrible. If somebody says that just slap them with the kitten they are looking at. Ok, I am kidding unless it is a picture of a kitten or a "Hang in there!" poster. Slap with that for days.) I mean, all of this package is giving away the secrets that lurk within but I don't know what it says so lets look closer!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNiHOi-mJdEn2KUcQrx_lY6uESqXqn793jLcv9D06McY5IrDDOnjWmzkbWC6FOKt5K5KPSybZGhun8Kir3VAGj58CBoSOsPHVM5Lbe74cMuAUi2cMWQkWKVdC9eYT-HNYaBGqqeRgFQkdm/s1600/stickjapancloseup2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNiHOi-mJdEn2KUcQrx_lY6uESqXqn793jLcv9D06McY5IrDDOnjWmzkbWC6FOKt5K5KPSybZGhun8Kir3VAGj58CBoSOsPHVM5Lbe74cMuAUi2cMWQkWKVdC9eYT-HNYaBGqqeRgFQkdm/s320/stickjapancloseup2.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Ah! It is even cuter in real life!!! Awe. It seems embarrassed. I really think it is blushing. Judging by the color of the candy I am going to guess that this is grape. Lets see the back of it.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFUtQzIOJGrzjcNB-KC3t8LDQpqUJfa3IApOLOliNBTLGc4AnFq-rqO4yI-IK2JFcaJNOESTwLrGpQrk_2zofOgiIJpEiPYGFMEDO0ggby1aZ8AUlvjZ0Qo0Cj2w8MXwF6De5spV5A-unW/s1600/stickjapancloseup1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFUtQzIOJGrzjcNB-KC3t8LDQpqUJfa3IApOLOliNBTLGc4AnFq-rqO4yI-IK2JFcaJNOESTwLrGpQrk_2zofOgiIJpEiPYGFMEDO0ggby1aZ8AUlvjZ0Qo0Cj2w8MXwF6De5spV5A-unW/s320/stickjapancloseup1.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Are you kidding me right now? This side is in LOVE! Well, so am I little sucker. Wait a minute. What do you think that is? Candy? A toy? The cutest choking hazard of all time?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW3tGAciOttyASoHOK94vrM6Hv5KytrjDCLJ24kPqZvY158fc7keMn9sXVrPuEkLv81c_W_FCAhQPWeNgJzEg6HLAIcpAxMBc6ATtXN6EPu-Cu4haLfby1HhP8hGx_qFl-0PG_-J1eFnB3/s1600/stickjapancloseupsideview.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW3tGAciOttyASoHOK94vrM6Hv5KytrjDCLJ24kPqZvY158fc7keMn9sXVrPuEkLv81c_W_FCAhQPWeNgJzEg6HLAIcpAxMBc6ATtXN6EPu-Cu4haLfby1HhP8hGx_qFl-0PG_-J1eFnB3/s320/stickjapancloseupsideview.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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WHAT!?! That is correct. This sucker has two sides. Two different flavors. Also the center is candy as well. (Spoiler alert: These flavors go together like poor hygiene and skateboarders.) Wow. It would appear that this candy was designed with every care taken into account. Well, except for the stick. Or...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEina5w8EPf5_dCk9EhwOGDKG4ks0HMb4nGLx5xxO9SUrcxW0Mrn4_FoMeLrE6ZAOI1uPJRNuC-AiR6HbwB9MjlPAUVfOAFs5vAJ2qvcDLuYpyoPMgWo6l-batWFPtMjEqogsYO8dEw8b9yI/s1600/stickjapangum.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEina5w8EPf5_dCk9EhwOGDKG4ks0HMb4nGLx5xxO9SUrcxW0Mrn4_FoMeLrE6ZAOI1uPJRNuC-AiR6HbwB9MjlPAUVfOAFs5vAJ2qvcDLuYpyoPMgWo6l-batWFPtMjEqogsYO8dEw8b9yI/s320/stickjapangum.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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THERE IS GUM HIDDEN IN THE STICK OF THE LOLLIPOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
Yeah, that's it. All other lollipop companies take note. You just lost. Unless this treat tastes like Alonzo made it. Lets see:<br />
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S- Ok. One side is grape. I think the other side is apple. Both flavors are great separately but somehow they work well together too. It isn't too sweet. I don't know which I like better. Maybe the apple side since I have such a high expectation now for Japanese grape candy. This is really fun to eat. I have to give it a 5.<br />
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d- It should be no surprise that this treat gets a 6. Yeah, I know that there has never been a 6 before but they nailed every aspect of this candy! OK. Grape? Yes. It isn't syrupy. It is a classic Japanese grape candy flavor. Light and pleasant. Apple? Yes. The apple is cider like and brings some fresh tartness to the party. Fantastic separate but when enjoyed together, AWESOME. Now for the center. It is a disc of fizzy radness. Yea, so halfway into your lollipop enjoyment suddenly is goes from a juice drink lollipop to a soda pop lollipop. The center tablet is ramune flavored. What? Yeah. Insane. Oh and the stick that is hiding the gum surprise? Cola flavored gum. I KNOW. This is like a kid designed it. Like me when I was a kid. It is all of these things and it only cost a dollar. One dollar. I ordered this from Tokyo. I feel like this candy broke all the rules and for that it gets a 6- Healthifying recipes! Not everything can be made skinny and lite. Figure out a balance people because at some point the dish isn't the same thing anymore. Quit always eating things that require you to imagine that they are something else. (Use your imagination for fun not to pretend you aren't miserable.) Cut corners somewhere else and allow yourself to enjoy a taco pizza or a Louisiana Gravy Barge (the food not the sex move.) Whatever you are into. Don't work hard all day and your reward be a version of something that isn't even remotely like your favorite spaghetti bake. A Bulgar burger is not a burger. It's a grain wad. I am not saying don't eat healthy. I just think that while you are eating mostly healthy also remember to treat yourself. If you want pie then eat pie. Don't eat a piece of an apple and an oat while thinking "mmmm pie." That's not pie. No matter how you slice it, you are being a stupid pie.-out of 5.<br />
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Well, I feel better. How are you all? I hope you enjoyed this post and can free yourself from sticking to somethings that maybe are taking too much energy from you. Me? Oh I am definitely going to stick to not judging people and only worrying about myself. I think it is going well. Till next time,<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2c2c29; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 13px;">“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” ― Abraham Lincoln.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #2c2c29; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-11223340602978188382013-11-23T16:30:00.000-08:002013-11-23T16:30:40.722-08:00.FOOrD BLOrG. Tea'd Off.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
"I pitty the fool with a rude unbrewed attitude."</div>
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~Mr. Tea</div>
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Ugh. Stress, am I right? I mean who needs it? (A lot of people actually, but I hate it.) For the most part I live a pretty laid back life. I mean I do things and get things done, but I am not about the drama and I don't really see a need in getting all bent out of shape over things that will turn out one way or another. Look, you have a deadline, you have a lot of work to do to meet it. Why not try to have as much fun as possible while you do so? Why be all negative and stressed the whole time? Although even with all that being said, stress will still worm its way into us. When it does, we all have different ways to cope. </div>
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Some people turn to the bottle. The old booze. The genie in a bottle (nobody says that). Some people work out (those people stress me out.) Some people knit (I am guessing). Some people read equestrian spy novels (I am really guessing). Some people take baths and some people smoke weed (The weed people probably also invented the equestrian spy novel genre). My point is that we all need a way to soothe ourselves when the going gets rough and today our snacks are focused on one of those ways. </div>
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A nice cup of tea.</div>
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So take a seat and cozy up to the screen and lets get this par-tea started! (If you already groaned at that, you'd be best off not finishing reading this.) Oh I almost forgot, today's 1-5 scale is brought to you by methods to calm ones self or to find tranquili-TEA!!!! (I warned you.) In case you didn't know I am pretty much a guru of stress reduction. So you will no doubt marvel at my vast knowledge in the field. I know, lucky you! I mean all of this helpful information is free even! Please, enjoy.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCGTEBhLzalEzcmpm2cB7odREfbtyC3o5nxExzBNyUt_eC-mlfAEOc4yzigLHv28h8K-TM_EktyGoNz_6KTg07kRip3uI6uXe9Wv5mz2ErKA67bN17HfKIZlJbYYIDjX0bb8aR-K9JJ8KZ/s1600/teacandysugarfina.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCGTEBhLzalEzcmpm2cB7odREfbtyC3o5nxExzBNyUt_eC-mlfAEOc4yzigLHv28h8K-TM_EktyGoNz_6KTg07kRip3uI6uXe9Wv5mz2ErKA67bN17HfKIZlJbYYIDjX0bb8aR-K9JJ8KZ/s320/teacandysugarfina.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Our first snack comes from the fine folks at Sugarfina. They are a company where you can order a variety of candies and treats. Most of them are packaged in cute little boxes, and when I ordered they included little packets of some other snacks to try. This is one of those snacks. Matcha Green Tea Caramels. I know. Sounds cray cray! (Is anyone still saying that? Yes. Oh good. Wait, is anyone cool still saying it? No? They never were? Oh man. Can't we all just get oolong?)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn9AuayyEf07lbiZ0wJm49yQ7O9SR5QxPkwMfiBY3v8Te3IfHJuBBUn4BNwdtThqCbOU7sXfXXGyZ4qIibqyc_foIiBCK4kZxpuLnQ_4DejUOdJkqOtJRgLGzmKzCgwYltkkvvIDGVH8NS/s1600/teacandysugarfina+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn9AuayyEf07lbiZ0wJm49yQ7O9SR5QxPkwMfiBY3v8Te3IfHJuBBUn4BNwdtThqCbOU7sXfXXGyZ4qIibqyc_foIiBCK4kZxpuLnQ_4DejUOdJkqOtJRgLGzmKzCgwYltkkvvIDGVH8NS/s320/teacandysugarfina+actual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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I know that photo is a bit blurry but compare the two pics. They are of the same candy but why is one yellow and one green? How weird is that? (Probably some sort of scientific explanation steeped in mystery....Steeped. Get it? Ok. Moving on.)<br />
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S- Well, it tastes like old tea. Oh man. It tastes like cheap-old green tea. Like dollar store tea. This is too bad bc I like the company and I give them a style point for the packaging but ultimately I give this a 1 out of 5.<br />
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d- It smells like maple syrup. No, it smells like a scratch n sniff sticker that was scented to smell like maple syrup a long time ago. Now that it is in my mouth it is somehow both gritty and waxy. The caramel seems cheap as well. Perhaps I am not familiar with green tea. Is it normally like sand in maple syrup? (Like cheap sand. Not the good kind of sand. You know, like dollar store sand.) I am completely serious when I tell you that this tastes nas-TEA! (Are you really still reading this?) I give this snack a 1- Deep breathing. If you want to make it sound tougher (or nerdier) you can call it "dragon breaths." When the stress hits the fan just take some slow deep breaths in thru your nose and out thru your mouth. Try not to randomly pee yourself as having pee pants will likely stress you out further. Also focus on anything except the sheer amount of germs and ghost poots that you are probably huffing at that moment because it can be distracting and counter productive. I also once heard of a person who's guts just fell out from being too relaxed...So don't do that. -out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjusgFUg9lCM5qPt0Vg_dYmR4_DnhOROYVte45E37w-KYc5TuUzm0vxZmDJV2d1Lo7rA0JJLtxBXHrTcWngToXu7yMM9Nq278OsoAEJukrc1t89-TemWFyMh45NPlpuJNgDQbUZk9XvHQh1/s1600/teacandyquincaramel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjusgFUg9lCM5qPt0Vg_dYmR4_DnhOROYVte45E37w-KYc5TuUzm0vxZmDJV2d1Lo7rA0JJLtxBXHrTcWngToXu7yMM9Nq278OsoAEJukrc1t89-TemWFyMh45NPlpuJNgDQbUZk9XvHQh1/s320/teacandyquincaramel.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Second we have a Smith Tea Smoked Chai Caramel. I know. Way more cray....z. (Crazy) than the last caramel! This treat comes from Quin here in Portland. Quin offers a variety of hand made candies and can be found online at <a href="http://quincandy.com/">quincandy.com</a> or in fine shops abound. There isn't much in the way of elaborate packaging here. Which is nice because I don't have to worry about a smoke screen to distract me from what the confection is. Simplicity often puts me at ease. Nothing sends up more snack red flags than packaging boasting all kinds of things and making all sorts of promises. Think of those old time snake oil salesmen. Big banners everywhere trying to convince you to buy their product. I find most often that the best treats just say what they are and that is all they need. Now let's try it.<br />
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S- I love that this is actual tea. All to often things have a fake tea flavor. I also really like the texture of Quin's caramels. I have had many of their flavors and the quality of the caramel is always satisfying. I give this a 4 out of 5.<br />
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d- The first thing that strikes me is the rich flavor of the caramel. Second I notice that it has a very luxurious mouth feel. (Like I would imagine eating an angel's perm would feel.) None of the candy is sticking to my teeth at all. The tea component comes on almost as a second stage of deliciousness and even then it isn't super assertive. The tea element lingers on the palette not unlike after you take a drink of real tea and the aromatic elements ghost ride your tongue a bit. Quite nice. I give it a 4- Pressure points. My friend Daniel once showed me a spot that you could pinch in your hand that would make your headache go away. I know. Cra...Insane. Turns out there is like a ton of these spots all over your body. One of them, you put one hand on your third eye (that is between your other two eyes.) (*The real ones.) and the other on your collar bone and take deep breaths (Remember my previous warnings about the breaths though...) There is also a point on your hand that you can pinch but it is really close to the anti-constipation pressure point called "opening the river" or something to that effect. So maybe watch out there. -out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8E8r3RH8A4eN03YSHK-MuKn5cpYavgKUcTh1p2IhCfAYJ9-z8vfE0cCMR8hRz7T4bpBY-Pi-PrRIQXEpENgo2wUu60VOTA8DUFae1qB0Ja9UO6ZZQGj1Kz-bzM-oXgRIfbYleN56hD8mj/s1600/teacandyyumefront.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8E8r3RH8A4eN03YSHK-MuKn5cpYavgKUcTh1p2IhCfAYJ9-z8vfE0cCMR8hRz7T4bpBY-Pi-PrRIQXEpENgo2wUu60VOTA8DUFae1qB0Ja9UO6ZZQGj1Kz-bzM-oXgRIfbYleN56hD8mj/s320/teacandyyumefront.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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This is an interesting one. It was a gift from our dear friend JC. (Not to be confused with often bearded JC. Our friend JC doesn't have a beard but still often preforms miracles. Delicious miracles.) We have four flavors of this so you will probably see the others later on. This treat hails from yume Asian confections. It is called Sea Glass Jelly Candy. (Yeah, I don't know either. I had no idea this existed until she gave it to us. That is like just finding out that a unicorn is real and then being offered unicorn sashimi.) (*Side note: Pretty sure unicorn sashimi has the same texture as permed angel hair as well.) The flavor is Burgamot. Now I know that Burgamot is an orange type fruit but our frame of reference for burgamot is most often in tea. So that is why it is in our tea pot. Post, I meant post.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCft0QBflx61GRGWLE8O3Ulet83PTeT50zrIVwLLtz40jaiRBwshIMNcEiATCceH_V4a28aVnW_tMOQ3mxFdRoZnZeEoz_xWOT4a_rI2PlT-gfGVv5TCaa-_OGricq6gsPp7aQ7v2COGu7/s1600/teacandyyumeback.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCft0QBflx61GRGWLE8O3Ulet83PTeT50zrIVwLLtz40jaiRBwshIMNcEiATCceH_V4a28aVnW_tMOQ3mxFdRoZnZeEoz_xWOT4a_rI2PlT-gfGVv5TCaa-_OGricq6gsPp7aQ7v2COGu7/s320/teacandyyumeback.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Here we can see the ingredients: (you can't really but I will list them for you.) water, sugar, agar, and essential oils. Simple enough. The really interesting part here is that it also has a "Consume or freeze by" on the label band. I mean it looks like your average rock candy so what could go bad? Lets further investigate.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfneJSh-tl2kOpKc8zAI2P2zz3JL1xxIUo3da-wCWFoB-D4eUkjhyGg1UCHBzzZal-aQ0Ufp3iUW9k5UJz1w6fdnMy_DIz0BYM0oN_pWhOKbKz44IHOwzsKCpeU0ifNfYTPM02Jky0KM0s/s1600/teacandyyumeactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfneJSh-tl2kOpKc8zAI2P2zz3JL1xxIUo3da-wCWFoB-D4eUkjhyGg1UCHBzzZal-aQ0Ufp3iUW9k5UJz1w6fdnMy_DIz0BYM0oN_pWhOKbKz44IHOwzsKCpeU0ifNfYTPM02Jky0KM0s/s320/teacandyyumeactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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I do have to say that this is one of the most beautiful confections that I have had the pleasure of reviewing. I mean it looks like broken glass.<br />
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S- Well, first of all it has a really cool texture. It is also really interesting, fun, and pretty. The flavor is great. It is crunchy on the outside and soft inside. I give this a 5 out of 5.<br />
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d- Either it smells like plastic or I am imagining that based on the appearance or from the packaging. The mouth feel is as I expected. It is like a hard candy or a sugar crystal. Oh wait! It just broke. It has like a light shell on the outside! Then inside it is a light jelly. I have never had anything like this. Wow was I wrong about this. I have to try another piece because I was so distracted by the shape and density that I missed the flavor. I have to say that the flavor is a tad tea like. Not overtly citrusy. This is amazing stuff. I give it a 5- Be positive! When you encounter a person who is frustrating you and in doing so is causing you stress just say this to yourself "They are doing the best that they can." The fact is, most people aren't out to get you. People aren't making mistakes to mess with you on purpose. In reali-TEA they are doing the very best that they can but to error is human and most humans are positively stupid. -out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAR1XpmV7th23is-iA5-aNXL742xtKO0CvoEzenvxgsyfCIHWLI_QZgRc7fYry8hp6UY6ksZ0KVMHjQCe472Wa8NRDuFxLtVPx4VjTWOW21UzreWvaAizzpziRQKuAshDkKGxm2RSPcGjS/s1600/teacandyearlgreyfront.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAR1XpmV7th23is-iA5-aNXL742xtKO0CvoEzenvxgsyfCIHWLI_QZgRc7fYry8hp6UY6ksZ0KVMHjQCe472Wa8NRDuFxLtVPx4VjTWOW21UzreWvaAizzpziRQKuAshDkKGxm2RSPcGjS/s320/teacandyearlgreyfront.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Our final tea snack is from Klein's. Here we have a Sugar Free Earl Grey hard candy. Think tiny lozenges. Yeah, you got it.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsoX3GZSUCqxzFRDGZ6FrNfyAgh3a6CUg3sn7P9Q9GHh-zknlw6-Axp9bPpqaqcBKeuN0_YSaxO3iDJMD5ihSgyf4i_Hd1WaCniWef2QgPX0sXDRjTVBB9H284_ZQgO7Sum23yHTphrYtE/s1600/teacandyearlgreyactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsoX3GZSUCqxzFRDGZ6FrNfyAgh3a6CUg3sn7P9Q9GHh-zknlw6-Axp9bPpqaqcBKeuN0_YSaxO3iDJMD5ihSgyf4i_Hd1WaCniWef2QgPX0sXDRjTVBB9H284_ZQgO7Sum23yHTphrYtE/s320/teacandyearlgreyactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Upon opening the box there is a scent not unlike opening a jar of Lipton's Iced Tea mix. This is a nostalgic smell for me as my mother always had that around the house when I was a wee tot. Lets see how it tastes:<br />
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S- I like the beginning. However after awhile it tastes like when you leave your tea bag in your cup and it gets bitter. I give it a 2 out of 5.<br />
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d- Oh snap. This has a REALLY strong tea flavor. ( "Hello! Is it TEA you're looking for? -Lionel RichTEA). The candy is about the size of a cherry Runts. (I wish it was a cherry Runts.) It is surprisingly not sweet which is nice. Except the candy is so concentrated that it transitions from tea to soapy tea really quickly. It is like if you were a kid and drinking tea and said "F*CK THIS TEA IS STRONG!" and your guardian promptly washed your mouth out with soap. I give it a 2- The Badger of Sereni-TEA. Imagine the cute tiny hands of the Badger of Serenity are cradling your heart. Its claws are not slashing your innards to ribbons (as they could so easily do) but are instead ever so gently warming your heart. The Badger of Serenity's fang filled mouth is gracefully nestled at your throat. Its jaws are not crushing your larynx though, as would be a non-Badger of Serenity's nature. Instead the Badger of Serenity is purring. A soothing purr sound not to be confused with the aggressive coarse sound the average badger would make as it sloppily guzzled your blood that would spill forth from your viciously severed arteries as the average badger made what can only be described as a breeding den of your eviscerated lung cavity. No. The Badger of Serenity means you no harm. As long as no ordinary badgers have followed the Badger of Serenity here, you will be fine. -out of 5.<br />
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Hopefully you enjoyed our little chat, I know I did. I would like to think we all learned a little about ourselves. I learned that I am possibly the worst stress reduction guru. (OR THE BEST!) See you next time.<br />
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Tea-U l8tr!<br />
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P.S. You might notice that I took the high road here and did not make one tea bag joke. Yeah, some of us are really growing up. I decided not to get too dir-TEA! Awe yea! One more!!! (#SorryNotSorry)dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-46702676912020617632013-11-07T21:53:00.003-08:002013-11-07T21:53:54.393-08:00.FOOrD BLOrG. Grape Expectations.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Ah, expectations. We all have them. It is like when Ernest was in those commercials in the 80s and then somebody decided to make a full length Ernest movie. We all expected it would be SO good. You didn't? Well, my friend Aaron and I did. We went the first week, if not opening day. We loved it. However, we also each had a tiny squirt gun and spent most of the movie scampering about the theater while the only other person (a full grown man of weight) chortled from the darkness. I bet you didn't expect that I would be telling you about Ernest Goes To Camp in a snack blog. Yet here we are. </div>
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Our favorite part of that cinematic tour DE force was when the turtles parachute and one says "I am scared Sarge!" and another turtle replies "We are all scared son!" That scene is about as long as a commercial. Aaron and I filled the downtime of the movie by amusing ourselves. Somehow all of these elements of the environment, the weird guy who didn't have any kids but was at a kids movie (red flag), and the film itself, all became one thing. One thing that we thought was great. We got what we expected, for brief moments, like the commercials that the movie was based on. Our expectations were satiated. It was a great time to be a kid. Know what I mean?</div>
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Today we are talking about one flavor. Yes, for the first time in this odd little blogs history, we aren't talking about a type of snack but a single flavor. Grape. Now these snacks were not pretested or compiled. They were merely part of the treasure chest of acquired snacks and S said "These are all grape flavored. Why not do a grape post?" Brilliant. </div>
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Today's 1-5 scale is brought to you by childhood expectations of the future.</div>
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Alright. So this snack is not a rare one. Hi-Chew is easy to find these days. Even some 7-11's carry Hi-Chew flavors. However, it is a good place to start when talking about grape flavored candy. I have yet to have a Hi-Chew that I didn't like. Do you remember Bonkers? They had a commercial where a lady would eat a candy and a giant fruit would crash through the ceiling and land on her. No? Well they looked just like Hi-Chew. One color on the outside and another on the inside. I am not sure what purpose this serves. I suppose it is purely aesthetic. Like tribal tattoos on dudes or tramp stamps on....women of the night. (I always thought that the best tramp stamp would be a belly button. People would be so confused.)<br />
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Upon opening the outer wrapper you can really smell a pungent aroma of grape. Do you remember grape Hubba Bubba? It is like that. If you don't remember Hubba Bubba then try remembering grape Bubble Tape. No? Do you recall commercials telling you the dangers of inhalants because that stuff can severely mess up your brain and memory. (hint hint)<br />
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S- This is really grape. I like the two colors. This is fun. I don't care for the waxy white paper though. I give it a 4 out of 5.<br />
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d- Yep. I like Hi-Chew. They always have good flavor. This has a nice chew not unlike a taffy. It's great. I give it a 4.5- flying cars. People always expect that the future will bring flying cars. Sorry people but flying cars aren't going to ever....fly. Why? Think about it. What killed the electric car? Gas companies. (I am pretty sure. I never saw the documentary. I think we already know what types of movies I have been watching and they are not in the same wheelhouse as environmental documentaries. Unless there is one called Earnest Saves The Electric Car.) So with the flying car you have to think about those huge tire companies. Flying cars don't use tires. Everyone knows that they hover and then fly around. Tire companies control more than what you know, man. What is the number one cereal? Cheerios. What are Cheerios shaped like? Tires. What is the most common shape for a child to learn first? Circle. What is a circle? A tire. Most clocks are round. What else is round? Tires. Most clocks are tires. You get it. (After I post this blog, should I go missing....tires.)<br />
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When creating a brand it is important to clearly communicate what your product is to the consumers. So here we have Grape Candy which is a grape....candy. Huh. Well done. We can also see that it is "A fresh and tasty grape." Not to be confused with a similar product that was aiming for "an old and nasty grape." Those are just raisins. (Raisins are not that grape. See what I did there?) What you can't quite make out from the photo is that it says "Grape in love. Have a sweet flavor."<br />
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Now either something is lost in translation here or this is the best way to start and end every conversation.<br />
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There is also an odd drawing on the bottom of the bag that says "Save the Children." Next to that there is an illustration of one kid doing a handstand and another drinking. I am not sure how much sweet flavor these children are having but they are clearly too grape in love and need to be saved. I can't read any of the details so all I know is that there are children somewhere and they need assistance. Lets look on the back of the bag.<br />
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Well this isn't any help. Unless the bag is telling me that these expired a year ago. Is that what it says in the far right corner? No, my right. Yeah, there. I don't know either. Lets just open it up.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3V7XoJH8ZzpcGuBcTjoifxuSO8RNbJXEDFuuDq0iPM73TKQO35h5ZDXGcV4ZQeT6XHZ71ec9m4Mr4cCzUoKuPNtyg_DVWWeCSnsPwqWdL6zlt5wkfZstWZYOqQFKSvPSShnnouE4CcZmA/s1600/grapegrapecandyactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3V7XoJH8ZzpcGuBcTjoifxuSO8RNbJXEDFuuDq0iPM73TKQO35h5ZDXGcV4ZQeT6XHZ71ec9m4Mr4cCzUoKuPNtyg_DVWWeCSnsPwqWdL6zlt5wkfZstWZYOqQFKSvPSShnnouE4CcZmA/s320/grapegrapecandyactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Well the candy just looks like a hard candy. There are like 40 candies in here which isn't usually the best sign. Lets see how it tastes.<br />
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S- Hmmm. Well, I wouldn't say this is anything special. There is a mild grape flavor. Not really anything to talk about here. I guess it gets a 3 out of 5. It is what it says, just a "grape candy."<br />
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d- This is just an average grape candy. Usually I love anything grape but this is less interesting than a Jolly Rancher. There needs to be some acidity or something and the longer I eat it the more chemical the taste becomes. I don't really care for this. I mean it isn't the worst. (Bacon Tabs were the worst. Go read that post. Trust me.) I give this snack a 2- Mohawks and shoulder pads. One of my favorite film genres (I like to call ) Future-past movies. These films (made in the late 1960s-80s) usually take place after a nuclear situation has ruined civilization and they are set in the future. Like the year 1999!!! There is always a dude (or twenty) with intricate hair like a Mohawk that is one side neon pink and the other jet black, and no shirt. In place of a shirt, football shoulder pads. You know, because if you are going to ride through the dessert (oh, the whole world is a dessert by the way) on a motorcycle made mostly of chainsaws with a ridiculous weapon like a wrist crossbow (Why would you need a good weapon? Did you forget about your chainsaw motorcycle?) you only need to protect your shoulders. I mean you wouldn't want to mess up your mohawk. (Notice only one mode of transportation exists in this future. Tires.)-out of 5.<br />
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Alright, so next we have E-ma. This is our third grape snack and it also hails from Japan. I will get to what this is all about but first look at that guy. What is his deal? You know what is weird is that his head looks like how I remember that guy in the audience when Aaron and I saw Ernest Goes To Camp. That is good news, he got healthy and learned a second language. I didn't expect that to happen.<br />
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So this snack is made of layers of real fruit juice and it has a layer of xylitol gum and the center is vitamin C. Whoa.<br />
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Ok. The smell here is super grapey.<br />
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S-Wow. It is making me salivate! Was I supposed to chew it? This is really interesting.<br />
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d- After a second it has a great acidic sour grape flavor. Then moments later that fades and then a different almost deeper flavor happens. I chewed it. I am confused.<br />
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S-(second tasting) I get a lot of grape flavor and then my mouth tingles. Then I get sour notes. There are waves of different experiences. The Japanese really know what they are doing. I love this. 5 out of 5.<br />
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d-(second tasting) I agree.<br />
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I give this snack a 5-Pills. The futuristic expectation that we won't need to eat anything anymore. That all of our nutrients will come in the form of a pill. Remember The Jetsons? They ate pills all the time. Sadly this isn't true still. Why you ask? Where does food come from? A farm. What is on a farm? A tractor. What is on a tractor? Tires. Yeah. This runs deep. Tires, bro. Tires.-out of 5.<br />
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Next up is Candemina! This snack also comes from Japan which begs the question:<br />
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What is this guy doing here? I mean I can see that he is vigorously playing the maracas but why? This gummy isn't trying to be a traditional Hispanic candy. (If you read this blog then you know how I feel about most of those. El sad face.) The name certainly doesn't translate into "maraca man." Maybe the candy looks like maracas.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9-f6TuqRSTPuJB2V3KwR4c1_Wm1ttXcIk5V9q4D6NAvtMiGwW67uOzKDHuPu9e8mrNo3MrVaYGAjHWr96rqGmbLw703JyYSnFwNwz9jDOV2wwjMnaYj1aeyOVnP09Lx-jh5fw61vOLY3o/s1600/grapecandeminaactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9-f6TuqRSTPuJB2V3KwR4c1_Wm1ttXcIk5V9q4D6NAvtMiGwW67uOzKDHuPu9e8mrNo3MrVaYGAjHWr96rqGmbLw703JyYSnFwNwz9jDOV2wwjMnaYj1aeyOVnP09Lx-jh5fw61vOLY3o/s320/grapecandeminaactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Nope. It sure looks delicious though. (At this point you may have noticed that the photos lately look so much better. Well, S has taken over in the picture dept. and now everything looks rad. Thanks S.) Again the aroma when opening the bag (which is resealable) it says "Hey, maybe savor this. Don't be such a pig. I mean you can but now you have the option.") is really pungently grape.<br />
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S- This smells awesome. It has a lot of texture as you chew it. This candy also has a very fun shape. This might be the best grape flavor yet. 5 out of 5 even though the Spanish looking Asian man is quite confusing.<br />
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d-I had to chew it 8 times before my teeth pierced it. This has awesome flavor and a great chew. One of the top gummy candies I have ever eaten. (Not quite as high as the Pure gummy candies but close.) I give this snack a 5- Hairstyle. As a kid I always assumed that as an adult I would have the coolest hair though as of late it has become quite boring. Looking over pics of me in the last 15 years one might assume that I was either heavily into anime or a lady heavily into ladies. I am neither but that is the tricky thing about expectations. You should never build expectations off how something looks or you could be mislead by a faux hawk or a possibly Asian and or Hispanic maraca playing man.-out of 5.<br />
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This is not a sex toy.<br />
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Please look at that diagram and let me say again, this is not a sex toy.<br />
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Our last snack is the Pucho variety gummy snack. This comes in a three pack. (So you will see this in the future in a different flavor. Unless I just eat them because it is delicious.) This flavor is grape and yogurt. I am pretty sure. Not 100 percent sure, but pretty sure. Now I have no idea why this candy is shaped in this rigged tube or what that diagram is supposed to mean. I thought maybe it was saying you could invert the lid and it would pop up. You know, like those toy discs? However, it has been 4 minutes and it is just sitting there upside down. I feel bad because look at that cute little face. I just messed that dude up. (I am pretty tough.)<br />
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When I opened the tube I can smell grape-like aromas but there is also something else. Possibly the yogurt flavor.<br />
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S-Um. I don't know. This is difficult to say. I guess that the purple one might be grape. It kinda tastes like grape. I think the clear one tastes like vitamin C. I am not impressed and it isn't grape enough. I give it a 2-out of 5. In part due to the fact that you called it a butt plug.<br />
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d- I did say that. The purple is chewy and about as grape as a generic fruit snack. The clear one is not yogurt unless you tell somebody that they are eating a yogurt flavored candy while they eat it. Even then it isn't very convincing. I give it a 2- Careers. As a child I expected that by the time I reached my 30's, that despite having no musical talent or a singing voice, I would be a famous musician. Which would mean that people I don't know would look at me. That is a total nightmare and the opposite of what would make me happy. Instead I am eating candy and making jokes on the Internet in hopes it makes you smile. At least a little bit.-out of 5.<br />
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So far the future might not be what you expected but it is pretty grape in love.<br />
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Have a sweet flavor.dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-89852898849216888692013-10-27T15:22:00.003-07:002013-10-28T16:04:10.708-07:00.FOOrD BLOrG. Gum, a novel idea.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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Novelty is a weird word. You can use it to describe the "newness" of something. "We will see how much the baby enjoys that real ninja star once the novelty has worn off." (*Did I mention I am about to become a parent? No worries. I got this.) You can also use novelty to describe a trinket. "It was so small that I accidentally swallowed the novelty teapot. Before I swallowed it, it was quite hilarious. Since then I have grown rather worrisome." (Typical scenarios.) This is strange to me. Perhaps it is the way in which I feel novelty is used to weigh entertainment. It is like you could also say "Eventually the baby won't be entertained by my penny collection." Or "I am no longer entertained by this thumbnail-sized panini press. I long for an actual panini press. These sandwiches are far too fluffy to eat unpressed." (More boring typical scenarios.) I think my problem with the word novelty is that I weigh entertainment and enjoyment far beyond most other things in life. I mean, I am aging pretty gracefully with the exception of smile lines. I just love laughter and being able to share that with the people I care about. That is how my brain has always worked. Case in point: Me, an elementary school boy. I overhear a ditty that another student has made up about 2 other children who may fancy each other. It goes "Whistle while you work. Betsy is a jerk. Shane Metheney broke his weenie. Now it doesn't work." I will never forget it. The novelty of that novelty song has never worn off. However, I spent weeks in high school studying the table of elements and all I could tell you is that if you want to make Poison, you need to combine the elements "Bel," "Biv," & "Divoe." Now you know.<br />
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So today we are looking at gum. Gum is something that you should want to linger. You want to enjoy it as long as possible. Otherwise you'd just eat candy, right? Also today's 1-5 scale is brought to you by personal moments of novelty. However, to prove that my blog is not a novelty, I plan on being completely serious for the rest of this post.</div>
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Alright, so first off we have a very serious gum. This is Camel Balls. In case you aren't quite sure what they are alluding to, Chicle has given you an artistic rendering of rotund camel testicles. Technically speaking though, that is an illustration of a camel scrotum. I can't help but imagine that there was a test group who after a long deliberation decided that children would rather have camel balls in their mouth and that a child asking their parents for a camel scrotum would be in poor taste. (That probably happened.)<br />
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We found this gum in a village in the south of France. We were at a farmers market and there was a small candy kiosk. There amongst the various confections like hand pulled taffy, various licorices, and pastilles were Camel Balls. They only had the one flavor. So I am assuming that Camel Balls only come "Extra Sour." The outer wrapper was not cooperating in the photo but you can sort of see that on the left it says "liquid filled." Now in case you have never known how a camel ball should be. It should be extra sour and liquid filled. Lets move on past its gorgeous exterior and see the actual delicacy.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVe6qQd1-IlFqmO8mA1gVxNP5GzqMHd4QpI3Z3mYXesC51VKBabtETcV8HlkL9oC8ZUsU1XcaDkByMlMMK6eGIkyZro1fHyt-D4CoJVnMlWmq9Z-OQSBRat2V3H5Jnye1X-VuPbfwPl1rO/s1600/gumcamelballsactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVe6qQd1-IlFqmO8mA1gVxNP5GzqMHd4QpI3Z3mYXesC51VKBabtETcV8HlkL9oC8ZUsU1XcaDkByMlMMK6eGIkyZro1fHyt-D4CoJVnMlWmq9Z-OQSBRat2V3H5Jnye1X-VuPbfwPl1rO/s320/gumcamelballsactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Oh bother. It would appear some misfortune has befallen my camel ball which has caused it to rupture. It would also appear that I have only one ball. I have one camel ball. One must inquire as to why this is called "Camel Balls" but inside there is a lone ball. They should either change the name of this fine dessert or put a second ball in there. I mean, it is a no brainer. Lets be honest about how many balls we are giving people.<br />
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The ball smells somewhere between Pixie Stix and a Tart N Tiny (before they candy coated them.) The ball (since it had leaked) has a texture that is somehow both slimy and gritty (slitty?) Eventually the gum has an elastic and soft chew. The type of chew that you might have encountered with a very cheap and sugary gum. The flavor is equal parts blue raspberry and fruit punch. I find myself somewhat forlorn that I didn't get the full experience of the camel ball bursting in my mouth. However, it is my duty to carry on and not hold that against the gum. The flavor dissipates rather quickly and the once slitty gum starts to seize once you have swallowed the load of flavor that the ball once contained. In under a minute I found the experience had lost its luster. I give this snack a 2- Long ago my friend Aaron and I would DJ around town under the name DJ Sharon Needles. One of the things we would do to alleviate the pretentiousness of the dance scene was at one point in the evening we would give out glow sticks and fake mustaches. Suddenly people were transformed from a party where people might think twice about dancing to a care-free fun time.-out of 5.<br />
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Our second gum today was found at Tenzing Momo. Tenzing Momo is a herbs, vitamins, incense, etc... kind of shop located in Pikes Place Market in Seattle. I always knew of it as "The Witch Store." It feels a bit like a witch's store. The overall layout is kinda chaotic and the people who work there run the gambit from elder librarian of occult books to a crusty punk wiccan. Even when I lived in Seattle I always enjoyed a pop into Tenzing Momo if not to purchase something, to listen to a customer rant on to the employee who simply wants them to take their bag of crazy and move on. "Yes. Here is your wolves blood tea and your chants to bring about the moon child which shall in turn enslave all of man. Thank you for shopping at Tenzing Momo."<br />
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What we have here, in a nondescript drug bag, is gum. Now this was an impulse buy. It was at the register and I wanted it for this post. What kind is it? What is it made of? What flavor is it supposed to be? Who made this? These are all questions that are usually applied to things that are found in these tiny bags. The truth is: I don't know.<br />
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S- It smells like beeswax. Hmm. It is minty at first. I get a touch of honey. I like that it isn't sticking to my teeth. I think that this is a pretty good gum. The flavor lasts a good amount of time and I enjoy the light minty flavor. I give it a 4 out of 5.<br />
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d-There isn't crunch at first. Like most gums this shape that usually have that crisp outer layer. This breaks down a bit more like wax. A good wax. Like this is more natural in its essence. This reminds me of a chiclet. I actually enjoy the mint flavor. It has a good chew. Not too hard. I give it a 4-Mix tapes or Cd's. I love making mixes. I enjoy making them for specific people. I like to find out what types of music they listen to and find elements of that in other bands or styles that might not be familiar with. Is a mix a novelty? Perhaps but the feeling of receiving something that someone has put so much thought into is nothing to laugh at. -out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6t1_ql0rpbGO93OvC2dVWHHR4tgrkop1pbA18CJS9uNBS7HhqOToZGsDDm3Nggq0xtVshDsbM44RpKnuyY8D4w-GsWc13-a3qdmb1wcsqRJ7I-gRKI-_mRoWzNkII8STKRhb8o2zxMGXQ/s1600/gumthanksgivingfront.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6t1_ql0rpbGO93OvC2dVWHHR4tgrkop1pbA18CJS9uNBS7HhqOToZGsDDm3Nggq0xtVshDsbM44RpKnuyY8D4w-GsWc13-a3qdmb1wcsqRJ7I-gRKI-_mRoWzNkII8STKRhb8o2zxMGXQ/s320/gumthanksgivingfront.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Our third gum comes to us from Accouterments. They also made the popcorn and cola gumballs from another post. (S's mother found this for me. I am thankful for kindness like this.) Here we have not one but 3 different flavors of gum to try. Cranberry, pumpkin pie, and turkey. I know what you are thinking "Finally a meat gumball!" I bet the Camel Balls people are rolling in their graves (they have passed in this scenario) wishing they had just made camel flavor gum. (mmmmm) I mean, don't over think it right?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBglSxWcsc-Y9DwuDVvooK1eH8YaLcNo_5rsY6KBuo2sdJj1UuJQboswhZ0l041rJE3axxeGJhReTvHCR8ZJouGF3Csb7VbYGtveeGO9hjDRm_2IC3x_QWP1zswWSgokaJhCjdjazA1UWj/s1600/gumthanksgivingactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBglSxWcsc-Y9DwuDVvooK1eH8YaLcNo_5rsY6KBuo2sdJj1UuJQboswhZ0l041rJE3axxeGJhReTvHCR8ZJouGF3Csb7VbYGtveeGO9hjDRm_2IC3x_QWP1zswWSgokaJhCjdjazA1UWj/s320/gumthanksgivingactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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So we open the tin and we can see the 3 different colors. Red is clearly the cranberry, orange is the pumpkin pie, and yellow must be turkey.<br />
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Cranberry<br />
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S- This tastes like a cheap gumball. I don't taste cranberry. eh. Not impressed.<br />
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d- I agree. The shell on the outside kinda breaks off and it just tastes like a gumball you'd get out of a machine for a nickle. The kind who's flavor you'd describe as "red." Like it isn't even a discernible fruit.<br />
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Pumpkin Pie<br />
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S- Alright. This tastes like a cheap Big Red. Not too bad. Mostly an artificial cinnamon flavor.<br />
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d- I get a cheap cinnamon. The flavors of these aren't great or lasting very long.<br />
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Turkey<br />
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S-This tastes like gravy. This really tastes like a gravy gumball. It is pretty close to mayo gum. Is there mayonnaise gum? If not, someone should make it. People would love that. I give these a 3 because they nailed the gravy flavor and it is gross-out of 5.<br />
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d- This is definitely more gravy than turkey. A very gravy gumball indeed. Well it finally sort of delivers what it is saying it would.<br />
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Overall, I get that this has to be meant as a novelty. There can't be an honest market for meat gum. Right? I mean the cranberry and pie flavors aren't even close. It is almost like they weren't even trying because the crazy turkey gumball is what people are going to buy this for. Even the ratio seems poorly conceived. 4 cranberry to 9 turkey? Well, I suppose turkey is the main course. I give this snack a 2-Makeover Party. This is something we have done. First you compile a box of costumes and novelty items (novelty like silly glasses etc... not novelty like penis pasta.) Next you invite your friends over and pair people off in 2s. Each person in the pair will choose the outfit for the other person for the duration of the party. This is a great time for photos.-out of 5.<br />
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Our last gum comes to us from Japan. This is Watering Kissmint Flavor Change. A subtle yet beautiful name for a gum. Who doesn't want to think of mouths watering while they kiss. Just saliva streams a flowing. Watering those kisses. It is just poetry, people. We can also see from the name that this gum changes flavors. Magical! So really what we have here is a gum that is designed to change from pineapple to mint and it has a chemical to make your mouth water. Seriously. I am being serious. Look!<br />
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You can clearly see that there are lines on the gum stick that... You know, do the changing and watering in your mouth. We have finally reached that point in food. Feel free to ask your next server at a restaurant "Excuse me, I'd like the tuna niciose but do you know if it has something to make the watering happen in my mouth?" I can guarentee that either it will or the server might even share their own mouth waterings with your tuna for asking! We really are alive at a magical time.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghOXWLAIEAJB-8zGo2WEIWAVOa-VXoXm1YULoztlD2ZgdUwNpo1KhzAzSISeJZcq2BdSgOQK9haAX077rCfhl8IHC9bXS1rbJluVg_YOKWY550fVh0O3AAwGOosyoSC0fK6CHXErqTaKt3/s1600/gummintcitrusactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghOXWLAIEAJB-8zGo2WEIWAVOa-VXoXm1YULoztlD2ZgdUwNpo1KhzAzSISeJZcq2BdSgOQK9haAX077rCfhl8IHC9bXS1rbJluVg_YOKWY550fVh0O3AAwGOosyoSC0fK6CHXErqTaKt3/s320/gummintcitrusactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Yep. See. Right there. Those lines are going to do things in your mouth. Magical things.<br />
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S- I wouldn't say it is a flavor change as much as flavorful. This is kind of a visceral experience. I also would say that this is more menthol than mint. I get citrus more than any other fruit. There is also a cough drop quality here. I give this gum a 5-out of 5. It is a fun experience and rather inventive.<br />
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d- I like this. The flavor lasts longer than any of the other gums that we have tried today. The texture is nice and not slitty at all. I don't get pineapple as much as a citrus. I really like the menthol. Mint can often be too one note but the citrus and menthol play well together. This is like if Fruit Stripe gum and Vicks got together. I remember as a kid that there was Aspergum. It was a delicious blend of aspirin and gum for children. (What could go wrong?) I give this snack a 4.5- One time at a party I found some string and I put it on my top lip, like a mustache. I was quite enjoying myself until someone said "What are you like 5?" At the time I replied "Mostly." but I thought about it after. The conclusion I came to is that to some adults the novelty of youth has worn off. To me it never will. It is magical. It is transformational. It is so unpretentious and fun. Adults are often trying to seem smarter and more important than they are. (Adults can suck Camel Balls.) Me? I am the kid with the greying hair and the paper mustache who is sitting in the corner drawing a hot dog dance party.<br />
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Chew on that.<br />
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(*Also I'd like to thank S for helping me by taking photos. This blog looks a lot better because of her efforts.)dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-36338985475953989582013-10-20T16:00:00.001-07:002013-11-22T16:47:29.638-08:00.FOOrD BLOrG. (Me)at. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Hey there meat bag! Oh, don't take offense. I mean, we are all just walking bags of meat. The only differences are in our perspectives and intentions. (Some people are real d-bags of meat for sure.) Look, all I am saying is that minus our acquired items, clothing choices, jewelry, and hairstyles: we are all the same. Strip it all away and we are just a bunch of meat monkeys placing meaning and importance in all kinds of random stuff. None of it matters. We are all the same. </div>
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There is a reason that there are so many superhero/fantasy movies and every time they reboot one, they start at the origin story. In every origin story there is that moment when the person discovers that they have some inert power that makes them special (different). Some situation where a lady with a baby is about to be crushed by a car and the "special" person stops it with their hand or something and the film allows a pause so we (the enviable audience) can relish in this moment of a person realizing that they are unique. The rest of the film, who cares? A bunch of computer generated shiny crap breaks and blah blah blah. People watch for that moment and the rise of a hero/special/unique person. </div>
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I find superhero movies, by and large, boring and formulaic. If you want an origin story with moments of discovery try watching a baby. They are literally experiencing that superpower moment constantly. You just put a toy in their hand and their fingers grasp it and they are like "Holy sh*t! The tiny things at the end of one of my top-arms just wrapped around this thing! Did you guys know I could do this? When were you going to tell me?" Then in the blink of an eye their arm spasms and the toy cascades to the floor. "Double holy sh*t guys! That thing just flew away. Look at it over there. Well, it is dead to me now. What am I going to do? I can't even do that weird sh*t you are doing where you move around on your butt-arms. What? They are called "legs?' Now YOU are the crazy one and this is coming from a tiny person who has your wife's boobs on his breath." I mean, I am not a father quite yet but I imagine that is a pretty accurate peek into the mind of a baby.</div>
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My point is that children have those moments because they are experiencing new things all of the time. Discovery is a superpower. You can experience those moments of wonder too. There are things you haven't tried. Some of you could even try not being such a d-bag. (That means you Leslie. You too, every Seth on the planet.) Do you know what is the greatest superpower? Better than being so strong that you could beat up anyone? More special than everyone knowing your name and treating you like you are royalty? </div>
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Do you? Well, I'll tell you:</div>
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You could be kind. Ask for nothing in return. You could just be kind.</div>
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(Today we are talking about meat and the 1-5 scale is brought to you by perspectives and intentions.)</div>
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One of the real bonuses to having a blog about snacks/candy/drinks etc... Is that when people find things that are interesting they will buy them and gift them to you. Lets see, what is that called? Oh yes. Kindness. Well, this first snack was purchased for this blog by S's mother. She found it on a trip to New Orleans. Our first of the four snacks today is Gator Jerky. As we can see here, nothing too fancy. We have meat in a bag. The tiny sticker on it here also has a picture of a gator. So there is no confusion as to what type of "gator" we are about to eat. I am sure gator is a popular nickname in some areas. Lord knows I thought it would be a great name for my future daughter. (Just kidding. Gator is a terrible nickname for a girl named Anustasia. Pretty sure I spelled that right. I am not too versed in Disney Princesses.) So what we can tell by the wrapping is that they are not going for pretentious. They aren't trying to win you over with a story. They just want you to buy and enjoy their wares. Meat bag to meat bag.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwy7xAUgPh9pUtsW9ZlBFVGuWubHW9NCIwbW-G_MoBgAyWp1G_4JVEA3ENy9nygii6G3OuGicRs2-aYUcqgBEyHT-SczD_SQZaZ-n1sLmfNwXD0MqEW2c-3Fc7xkEyyOCBUmQ503rUQN3n/s1600/meatgatoractual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwy7xAUgPh9pUtsW9ZlBFVGuWubHW9NCIwbW-G_MoBgAyWp1G_4JVEA3ENy9nygii6G3OuGicRs2-aYUcqgBEyHT-SczD_SQZaZ-n1sLmfNwXD0MqEW2c-3Fc7xkEyyOCBUmQ503rUQN3n/s320/meatgatoractual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Alright. Well, it smells like a smoked meat. I guess more accurately it smells like liquid smoke. It looks like the type of jerky that you can get for 88 cents. I don't mean that in a derogatory way. I mean it in a specific way. A specific texture and waxy fold style.<br />
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Lets see how it tastes:<br />
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S- Well. It tastes muddy. As I'd expect from something that lives in the mud. It just smells of liquid smoke. I guess that is pretty normal. Oh no. If you take a big bite it dissolves in your mouth leaving a muddy swamp mouth behind. (*She didn't mean swamp mouth behind. I think I should have put a comma there like "muddy swamp mouth, behind." Never mind. Lets just move on.) This is not good. I give this a 3 out of 5. For originality and it definitely is gator. So there is that.<br />
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d- I agree. Although I don't get the muddiness right away. Oh no wait. There it is in the finish. Is that the appeal to eating gator? Couldn't you soak it in something? The meat breaks down in your mouth in a way like it is giving up. It is claiming your mouth as its grave. I have a gator grave for a mouth. I give this snack a 2- I have this thing where if I see something shiny I will touch it. Not like a conscious thing. Like I see it and my finger pokes at the shiny object. Way before my brain even comes to the party all like "Oh hey eyes, I noticed that you see something shiny and that finger has expressed some interest in getting involved but before that happens lets maybe weigh out the pros and cons of the situation." None of that take place. It just goes "Shiny. Poke. And then usually regret." More often than not the shiny thing in question is just something wet or greasy on a table. Now what we have here is a moment of discovery. My intention was to....well, I am not sure exactly but there are two ways to perceive the outcome. 1) My finger may have been dry before this and now there is a slim chance that I just touched some lotion. 2) You can really never wash your hands enough. I choose the latter option-out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivhyphenhyphen3u99K37KboWjpcn9HYaSmGwKAvOxBk3b2x0beuWZuVocaM-B7Oda2mo0wiy6W_b8EyFKpkEHdbVNMvuntIsNJMIGFwKhZ2C03uRJb3Cpku83DvUYSYv6GWJxghffha0yRBylIfDR_r/s1600/meatkravefront.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivhyphenhyphen3u99K37KboWjpcn9HYaSmGwKAvOxBk3b2x0beuWZuVocaM-B7Oda2mo0wiy6W_b8EyFKpkEHdbVNMvuntIsNJMIGFwKhZ2C03uRJb3Cpku83DvUYSYv6GWJxghffha0yRBylIfDR_r/s320/meatkravefront.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Alright, we can already see that this is a different beast all together. This Chili Lime Jerky bag is bright and modern looking. However, they included a meat window there so we can still see that this is jerky. The neon green is a definite middle finger toward the traditional muddy brown color palette of most smoke meat products. Not a bad choice I suppose. The message is clear. They are listing healthy advantages and that there isn't weird stuff in there. Just the meat in the bag.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBDPOx8tSXjccxrovMjxssGT9wwGbG48WpaeEgpB_zh1KKo8SoMmQfnaZOnI1f7VhF01rNwACVScBIEppg7nBSdjvsT67WcZfxu9e6rONKlJYUCOu0j0rJ4cVr1XEprN5_ArSi-y0bMTme/s1600/meatkraveback.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBDPOx8tSXjccxrovMjxssGT9wwGbG48WpaeEgpB_zh1KKo8SoMmQfnaZOnI1f7VhF01rNwACVScBIEppg7nBSdjvsT67WcZfxu9e6rONKlJYUCOu0j0rJ4cVr1XEprN5_ArSi-y0bMTme/s320/meatkraveback.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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I know. I know. Could I put less effort into the photos? Not really. There is a paragraph about whatever and then a spicy sliding scale. What I would like you to look at is the paragraph above the scale. "Tease your taste buds with tender..." Ugh. Gross. Who wrote this? Hannibal Lector? "Hello. Clarice. This meat is "marvelously moist." WTF. Hey creep show. We took "moist" off the table for everything. Find a less disgusting word. (Sorry if that sounded critical.. Lets just move on.) There is also this extensive list of ingredients. Now for something that doesn't have weird stuff in it this sure is a long list of weird stuff. Shouldn't it just read "beef, chili, lime?" Hmmm.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqv9k2CGyrr8hc5rZz78IMgdsquxz_DJ1hcn4eiH41d7IWPqzMouNa223cONCNO9TmDsq8Oe8WuEnmiVxonSFWPrPQ0WrZEIriShHEXx4K4dZgLTdzDJFiD-YSDtBEUFTj4NFafeI6WOH2/s1600/meatkraveactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqv9k2CGyrr8hc5rZz78IMgdsquxz_DJ1hcn4eiH41d7IWPqzMouNa223cONCNO9TmDsq8Oe8WuEnmiVxonSFWPrPQ0WrZEIriShHEXx4K4dZgLTdzDJFiD-YSDtBEUFTj4NFafeI6WOH2/s320/meatkraveactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Um. This bag just has 3 meat leaves in it. Wait a minute. Meat doesn't grow on trees? This is supposed to be beef but we both agree that this looks like some turkey jerky.<br />
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S- This feels like turkey jerky. Ugh. The lime tastes fake. Everything says minimally processed on the bag and as if this is good for you but the ingredients don't seems so great for you. I give this a 2. I just feel like it is really trying to be something that it isn't. (I think she meant "good.")<br />
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d-I don't like the stringy texture and it really has an artificial lime taste that is off putting. I get a little chili in the finish. I am curious what type of beef this is exactly. I don't know about this. I just get an overall weird feeling. Like someone is trying to trick me. I give it a 1- One time I wanted to make my wife the BEST bean dip on the planet. So I went out and bought the best things I could imagine going into a bean dip and I prepped all these ingredients and really put a silly amount of effort into something that is honestly not even her favorite thing. Anyway, after all of that I wanted it to have a specific texture so I put it in the blender and tried to blend it. The problem was that only the bottom was getting whipped. So I tried to roll the blender around and in doing so it ever so slightly came off the base. It spun out of my hand and slammed into the counter top shattering glass and bean dip all over. Now I had a situation. I could be mad (at anything but myself) but I chose to perceive this as yet another challenge and I concocted a plan to strain the glass out of the expensive bean dip. This was awhile ago. Many years to be exact. While we don't know if I realized on my own how incredibly unsafe broken glass bean dip was or if I talked to my wife and she let me know maybe that wasn't the best idea. The point is dip happens or sometimes doesn't happen and you break the blender. Sometimes it is best to cut your losses. The kindness still counts even if you don't get to eat the dip or the cookies you burnt or whatever. Learn to laugh and move on -out of 5.<br />
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Next up we have a Ghost Chili Jerky that S's mom bought for me at a beer and wine festival in Portland. I guess that it looks somewhere between the first two options today. We have the old school meat bag but with a glossy label. A glossy label with a picture of their jerky that is then covered by possibly the worst ghost drawing I have ever seen. (First of all the ghost looks live a larva or a lumpy marshmallow. Next the ghost is sad. Probably because it has fingernails. What would a ghost do with fingernails? Oh fingernails make the transition from living matter to the dead netherworld yet not our butt-arms? That seems odd to me. Anybody else?) So we have bad business decisions happening here. Pay someone to photograph your meat (I am sure they aren't the only person haunted by making that mistake.) Then pay someone to draw a ghost to cover your meat. (I am guessing they paid someone for such an awesome artistic rendition.)<br />
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So upon opening this meat bag I get a real beef and spice aroma. I really can tell that we are going to be experiencing some chilis in this meat bag. This is how I would like something to be if it is a meat snack. It looks like meat. Not a form of meat or vaguely familiar to something. This looks like beef minus some meat moisture. (This beef isn't moist as some would say.) You can also see a fair amount of chili seed on the outside.<br />
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S-This is hot. This is definitely beef. I get the flavor of the ghost chili. The ghost chili has a nice citrus note and it comes through here. It is hot and the meat is good. The ingredients are good ingredients. I like it. I give it a 5 out of 5. It is exactly what it says it is.<br />
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d- The hard thing about making a ghost chili jerky is that I wish I could taste the beef first and the heat second but since the spice is so powerful and on the outside there is no chance that will happen. I agree with everything S said. I really like the spice level here and the texture. I mean this is hot. One dime size piece and my face is sweating. Yet it doesn't feel like they were trying to push the spices so that this was inedible. I also give this snack a 5- One time while S was making dinner something went wrong and she dropped the dish of pasta on the floor. Our one meal dinner was there on the floor of the kitchen. She looked mortified. Tears began. I remember being confused. Here I see somebody with the kindest of intentions, have an accident and then blame herself. I didn't get it. I said that it was ok but it wasn't until she looked down and saw me say "Look, it is fine." And I ate some floor pasta. I really think that image was either so silly or she just realized that I didn't care. I wasn't mad or blaming her. Suddenly we were laughing. The tears were over. To this day, if life serves us floor pasta, I will gladly eat it -out of 5.<br />
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Alright. now this is a meat post (poor choice of words) and yet here we have chocolate. This isn't the first time we have had the two together. We have had chocolate covered bacon and even a beef and cheese truffle. This is, however, the first upscale chocolate bar with meat that we have had.<br />
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Well, what do you know? A paragraph on the back of the upscale chocolate bar? I am shocked. Oh it is a stirring origin story. I am sorry. I have said it before and apparently I am not finished saying it yet. Hey artisan chocolate people, if we needed a paragraph to win us over to buy your chocolate then maybe it isn't very great. I didn't buy your intentions. I bought your confections. Either it will deliver or it won't. I am not going to eat something sh*ty and then read the back and go "Oh, well instead of selling lemonade at a garage sale, she made this... I guess it is better than boring lemonade." What? No. Just no. Also "peace" really? You are going to peace out after your riveting story? Ugh. Lastly "a tasting tip?' I am so enraged by this nonsense I am struggling to not use expletives. Just read that for yourself. NO. No. NO.<br />
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I am not trying to be dramatic or hurt any one's feelings here but this snack straight up smells like dog food. Not is a quirky fun way either. Not a playful wink towards dog food. This is like a full on glare at awful horrid dog food. I am so excited to move on from the wrapping to this aroma. What a lovely greeting. One might even say it is like being greeted by a dog. A wet dog that has just eaten dog food. Dog food that (oh I don't know) another dog just threw up. (One could say that. Sadly. I can say that.)<br />
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S-This is dog food. This is the worst. This might be the worst thing you have made me try. This is really REALLY gross! This is probably only good as dog killer. You know, since dogs can't have chocolate but they would want to eat it since it smells like their food. This company made dog poison. A huge 0- out of 5.<br />
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d-It tastes worst than it smells. How is that possible? This is disgusting. This makes me want to wash my hands and bleach my tongue. I don't even want to type this review because it requires me to recall what this experience was like. You know that scene in movies where the person has been exposed to such life changing evil and feels so unclean in the shower that they are rubbing their skin raw? My mouth is that shower after a parade of atrocities. This is not better than boring lemonade. I'd rather drink the lemonade from that limerick "Milk milk lemonade..." Yeah, that one. I will take that over this any day. I give this a 0- One time after a long night at the bar with friends drinking pints and Jager-bombs we went home and continued to party. At one point a few friends and I were in the basement party den and the perception that the disco ball looked a lot like a punching bag came into my mind. Look, I know that this seems like a bad idea. However, remember what I said about shiny things earlier? Couple that with the Jager part I more recently spoke of. Ok. Got it? I am not a violent person. This was a specific combination of two objects: disco ball + punching bag. So I punched the disco ball. What happened? It smashed against a window shattering it. Yeah. It. Was. Pretty. Cool. However, I also had a rather bloody hand now. So my friends and I concocted an elaborate story about what happened to cause my hand to be injured. The story was somewhere around ten minutes long. Which is really long when you are so hyped up on red bull Jager and adrenaline. So I ascended the stairs to tell my wife this amazing tale so that I wouldn't get in trouble. The second that our eyes met though I said "I punched the disco ball and broke a window." She smiled and bandaged my hand. That was it. I couldn't lie to her. That isn't how we work. We are ourselves with no apologies. Maybe that is our superpower. That many people can't be just themselves around anyone and we have each other. I can be the mess that can be myself and that is not just ok. It is appreciated -out of 5.<br />
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So where were we? Oh yea, the meat of this post is human kindness. Try some. It's super.<br />
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(*Worst post ending? Perhaps. However my wife is in the other room and I think I see something shiny on the table so I gotta go. Take care and thanks for your time.)<br />
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<br />dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-63656070917402524432013-10-10T21:22:00.001-07:002013-10-10T21:22:42.053-07:00.It is your choice, chews wisely. FOOrD BLOrG.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
They are going to say something. They are and they always will. Just know that if you let that stop you, that your will, will become your won't. (I don't write pretty or often make sense but to me I make perfect nonsense.) A few years ago I did a year of yes. For one year I said yes to everything. Especially things that I didn't or wouldn't normally do. See, I was building a tight comfy little world to retire to all too often. I needed to push myself back out. Not even in a big way like back onto a stage or out in front of people. Like just back outside. Like just around other humans. So I did. It wasn't easy but it really wasn't that hard either. When I allowed myself no grey decision area everything slowly became easier. I didn't have time to waffle on whether or not to do something. I just had to and learn to cope. Learn to cope with groups of people. Learn to cope with people who I didn't see eye to eye with. Learn to cope with peoples' decisions that I might not agree with. The next year I decided to carry it on. One more year of yes. I can now proudly tell you that those years have passed and I don't even notice the difference. The yes has become a part of me. It is in me. It is kind of like the first time you exercise and it sucks. The next time it still sucks but it is a little easier. Then over time your muscles tone and you feel changes in your body order and after awhile you might not even notice that. You just function differently. I learned that change is nice. I learned that change is hard. I learned that I will always be learning. I learned that it all starts with a choice. Choose wisely.</div>
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Today we will be trying some chewy snacks. Also our 1-5 scale is brought to you by choices I have made with varying results that didn't kill me.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf5X3Ibwm6GfYsP7zMbcNyyklhqar-JiqYPiyUqpTl3erYWxLowgVMeGsIi4zU8wph2KA5c790-LeT0mmEHW4gcSC4SB6yCN8SQ9PzNbJ5F1G0mmtPuoMm17O1uH3CmOjPArw20J61oXkt/s1600/chewsgumdropfront.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf5X3Ibwm6GfYsP7zMbcNyyklhqar-JiqYPiyUqpTl3erYWxLowgVMeGsIi4zU8wph2KA5c790-LeT0mmEHW4gcSC4SB6yCN8SQ9PzNbJ5F1G0mmtPuoMm17O1uH3CmOjPArw20J61oXkt/s320/chewsgumdropfront.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Alright, first we have Cherry Vanilla Gumdrops from a store called QUIN here in Portland, Or. Sarah told me awhile ago that the woman behind all of the baked goods at Saint Cupcake (also here in PDX) was adding candy to her already expansive list of treats. (We have since gone to SC a number of times and fallen in love with their cookies, brownies, and even ice cream treats.) So Sarah took me around to find some candies made by the mastermind Jami Curl. I bought a few here and there. Then Sarah told me that a whole candy store of these treats was opening and I couldn't wait. I mean I had to but it wasn't too long before QUIN opened and we descended upon it for their hand made treats and curated chocolate bars etc...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRPLQGhFgNf7ZKlTyxMFk7hRHkX6wetR_K8k_v5TiyQ87ZHaBZKjnknObQlCm56YfjUyTh_6SrergLB899rlqvyuYcqDh5iJ7GDFYQWJ7HdokR8kdxhEOFlvtonogAPeN9VBRKFW16vx1I/s1600/chewsgumdropback.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRPLQGhFgNf7ZKlTyxMFk7hRHkX6wetR_K8k_v5TiyQ87ZHaBZKjnknObQlCm56YfjUyTh_6SrergLB899rlqvyuYcqDh5iJ7GDFYQWJ7HdokR8kdxhEOFlvtonogAPeN9VBRKFW16vx1I/s320/chewsgumdropback.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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I realize this picture isn't the prettiest but you get the point. Look at what is in the gumdrop. Notice what isn't. This is a choice. Now if you do anything creative there will be people who don't like what you do. There will be people who don't even do what you do but will think they know more than you and that you are wrong. You just have to know to choose not to be a party to that. I think part of that is to do what you want and not to listen to them ever. Take even the compliments with a grain of salt as to not become an asshole. Ultimately though I think you have to make a product that you stand by. Something that you believe in. Where you believe in what you put into it. That is what I see here. Ingredients sure. However the flavor and function of what is on this label (hand written exp. date *love it.) all belongs and has purpose.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4DivYVFhjd9uPdZSp0Lw0UmNCBK3zKWGgpiWx2DeS34wfdgcRiJpcye301ZxaY0jCI7zsHH5wGTmIPlndOOdZlBp_avLikLNFK0JSraKwVOB6qvxJUfMygaZd-RyoLOrS9u3cwJw6I_Eo/s1600/chewsgumdropactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4DivYVFhjd9uPdZSp0Lw0UmNCBK3zKWGgpiWx2DeS34wfdgcRiJpcye301ZxaY0jCI7zsHH5wGTmIPlndOOdZlBp_avLikLNFK0JSraKwVOB6qvxJUfMygaZd-RyoLOrS9u3cwJw6I_Eo/s320/chewsgumdropactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Ok. Now look at this thing. The two tone cylinder dusted in sweet sweet crystals. It is beautiful. It doesn't feel hard or dense to the touch either. Upon opening the bag I get a definite aroma of cherry. A pleasant aroma that is both fruity and familiar. Lets try it:<br />
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S-This really reminds me of being a kid. I like the consistency and how it isn't sticking to my teeth. There is something about this that recalls cherry cough syrup I had as a child. I know how that sounds. I mean it in a familiar and good way. Maybe it is just the gelatin and the cherry together and maybe it just feels like it is making something inside you better. It feels like somebody is caring for you. I also like that it says it has vanilla and cherry in the title and in the ingredients. I give it a 5 out of 5. Plus one friend point. Plus one ingredient point. (Side note: She just created those two bonus categories. Debut!)<br />
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d-I love the texture of this. It has a soft chew. You can really tell that this has been freshly made. It hasn't been sitting around in a warehouse. I like the cherry flavor. It isn't super fake or syrupy. I think the vanilla is in the finish. Like if the cherry was an elderly person and the vanilla was helping it gracefully to sit in a chair. Oh and your tongue is the chair. I give this gumdrop a 5- When getting lines shaved in you hair was cool (6th grade) I drew what I thought was a cool arrow design that stepped down to the back and wrapped around to an arrow on the other side. I didn't realize until the other middle schoolers helped me see that I had a barber shave not one but two penises on the side of my head. Middle school. Double penis hair design. I chose that. I lived.-out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFLk-uF8Ga3mieXMgfDJpgPLQ-OipcMT3KDfRyEDhnMdAi6GbapG9KwxLbPFSxto7zdFM8TJWq_oblp7NWoSV1PF71-_dwSplY4hggMNmq80NCgOlato8MRejOvlTfHl6DmGO7FvaQAMds/s1600/chewsenergyfront.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFLk-uF8Ga3mieXMgfDJpgPLQ-OipcMT3KDfRyEDhnMdAi6GbapG9KwxLbPFSxto7zdFM8TJWq_oblp7NWoSV1PF71-_dwSplY4hggMNmq80NCgOlato8MRejOvlTfHl6DmGO7FvaQAMds/s320/chewsenergyfront.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Moving right along we have Energy Gummy Bears. I got this for Christmas. I asked for these and I think they came from Thinkgeek. The whole appeal is that each package has the chemical equivalent of an energy drink but now you can chew it in bear form. You know for all those times that you have taken a drink of an energy drink and thought "Wow. This tastes SO good. I wish this would linger on my palette for longer!" My favorite thing about this is the health benefits listed at the top of the bag. Clearly if you are eating energy gummy bears you are eating properly and watching your vitamin intake. "Hey Skip, did you drink kale smoothie today?" "No need brother bear. I ate this metallic satchel of all chemical candies. Now lets hula hoop in park in protest of the establishment!" (I also like that someone drew that psychotic bear and someone along the line thought it didn't really communicate the mission statement. Put a frickin thunderbolt on it's face. BOOM. Poetry.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfhN0xc9XRm4p394Y5uueRXtD-dvtTjJmAvNSEi_M1AmBnhNofb0_zBIPLSu-l_64e1zbrznmsH5Ik6GaPs3LUPCOnyE-5zqvVeZGg8Bh0VdjrNLBQq73kgeh7wYEOmtnTZsmCow6JIZEj/s1600/chewsenergyback.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfhN0xc9XRm4p394Y5uueRXtD-dvtTjJmAvNSEi_M1AmBnhNofb0_zBIPLSu-l_64e1zbrznmsH5Ik6GaPs3LUPCOnyE-5zqvVeZGg8Bh0VdjrNLBQq73kgeh7wYEOmtnTZsmCow6JIZEj/s320/chewsenergyback.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Well we showed what QUIN put into their candy so lets look at.....um. Are those even things? This is an intentionally awful photo. I wanted you to see what reading after eating these, feels like. What the eff is all that? Is this the recipe for meth? Are these Breaking Bad Bears? (Expect those at your local market soon.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyu7P-AMoOkrcNWjyHC-XodnarCYyDtMppRG5WHiZIRWqU8WE7iBwyVbRmLh7Q65n7NAiYa063-djDtNFYD8MLwKnvWt5HalNiMvZKp1ev-qsjoluUg6U_cCRRVCNS0jzlnwZIg3SwTQF1/s1600/chewsenergyactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyu7P-AMoOkrcNWjyHC-XodnarCYyDtMppRG5WHiZIRWqU8WE7iBwyVbRmLh7Q65n7NAiYa063-djDtNFYD8MLwKnvWt5HalNiMvZKp1ev-qsjoluUg6U_cCRRVCNS0jzlnwZIg3SwTQF1/s320/chewsenergyactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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It smells like a bad decision.<br />
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S-Ah. Oh. No No NO. Ugh. It tastes bitter. This is the perfect example of bad cough syrup. This is the polar opposite of the first candy. It sticks to your teeth and lingers in your mouth when you REALLY don't want it to. Horrible. It is called "Citrus Blast" and there isn't even any citrus in it. How can it be called that? On a scale of 1-5 I give it a negative million. Plus it is brown. Nobody wants to eat a brown gummy. Gross.<br />
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d- Oh it is bitter and is getting more bitter. This tastes like chemicals. Like if my methy neighbor decided to make candy. Maybe these are meth vitamins. They need to be chewy on the account of your brittle soft meth teeth and gum sores. You get your vitamins (somehow) and can pretend that you are eating citrus blast gasoline. Seriously, I once got face wash in my mouth that was far more pleasant and seemed closer to something you should ingest. 0-I decided in college to get back on the stage (a great way to push yourself out of your comfort zone.) into 2 one act plays. The first time my future wife would see me on stage. In one play I was a transgender psychotic nurse and in the other I was in full drag with heels...I don't remember why. She brought her little brother. Not only did she not bat an eye during all this but she coached me on how to walk in heels each night. I never really got good at it. I appreciate what people go thru for fashionable footwear though and supportive friends and family. No matter how strange the choice may seem.-out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyT_MlYDMmeg1WaDM3vB4YfoTszkL3eOvnpMbPSV506iccJAkkBUV3g-H9bvysHk0VQhqJtc-QSvY1p1X94Wee7GII01bKK06mG6fiiYTZOPP-B-_0Wp1SO5ypn_630anSDrFyXuv3Ry0L/s1600/chewssunshinefront.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyT_MlYDMmeg1WaDM3vB4YfoTszkL3eOvnpMbPSV506iccJAkkBUV3g-H9bvysHk0VQhqJtc-QSvY1p1X94Wee7GII01bKK06mG6fiiYTZOPP-B-_0Wp1SO5ypn_630anSDrFyXuv3Ry0L/s320/chewssunshinefront.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Candy Sunshine! This snack sounds even more like acid than the last one which really seemed like it was at least created on acid or for people on acid. acid. This snack also came from a snack website. I forget which one. You can clearly see that it is inspired by the original. What is the original? Well just google it. Trust me. It is quite a website. Not going to? Ok I will tell you. The original was candy raisins. Yeah. What? I am not going to tell you the story because their beautiful website does all that. I just want to get this sweet awesome packaging open and let the sunshine loose!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBRqw_WNkd4mzlRMS_z4SZVs2P37kgM2shF8nbL9LgIg78P7F-SVjlZLFvCef8iKWGRomD4ou4Mmc3AAvVHgZobU3uIAf8OzXb87LGnottf364N6MIZjPJbYB-TMbPR1lnuMjRHsicc48T/s1600/chewssunshineactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBRqw_WNkd4mzlRMS_z4SZVs2P37kgM2shF8nbL9LgIg78P7F-SVjlZLFvCef8iKWGRomD4ou4Mmc3AAvVHgZobU3uIAf8OzXb87LGnottf364N6MIZjPJbYB-TMbPR1lnuMjRHsicc48T/s320/chewssunshineactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Oh. What the eff? This is just an ordinary sack of pencil erasers. Not the cool kind that are scented either. You know, the ones that you tried when nobody was looking. I mean, we all did it. They smelled delicious like strawberries and grapes. This does not. Look at it. We had to eat that. Look at it again. It looks like ear wax or ear plugs or ears plugged with wax. Actually, I swear I have seen a suppository that looks like this. That makes sense. It is probably more enjoyable to put this where the sun don't shine. (See what I did there? The Original Where The Sun Don't Shine)<br />
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S-Um. I just had to swallow it. This has never happened before but I just had to get it out of my mouth. This candy tastes like someone else's sour breath. If that doesn't make sense to you, think about it. Someone else's sour breath. Do you have it? That is this. Was this the original color? Fix it. Make it taste good. Do something. I don't like this at all. 1-for the weird shape-out of 5.<br />
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d- Nope. What? Who missed this? Who was like "Oh man, have you ever had wax, dust, whatever is in erasers, and sadness? It is delicious. I can't find the original but I am feeling inspired!" There is almost a sour bile kind of faintness to it. Like stomach bile fruit leather. I give this snack a 1-One time my friend Aaron and i were playing in this desolate field where there was a slide. We were kids. It had rained. I chose to climb up the wet slide in muddy shoes with no traction. I slipped and as I slid down toward the huge puddle waiting for me at the bottom I shouted "I CAN'T STOP! I CAN'T STOP!" until I crash landed butt first into the puddle. We still laugh about this 20 plus years later. Even bad choices can make the best stories-out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYvPrklhR4dzD5uHRZP8BW7WzHE0gYna7Y4TfA2IZArgdDEDl3Xq8u7aLO_X54xYMD0itSK_RCDLa-WO6fRzy-B8dH8dyDhjrJsJyoEyaaK3WD9zANhhPGW4jntTN-h_4uc8aGRiGo918i/s1600/chewsguavafront.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYvPrklhR4dzD5uHRZP8BW7WzHE0gYna7Y4TfA2IZArgdDEDl3Xq8u7aLO_X54xYMD0itSK_RCDLa-WO6fRzy-B8dH8dyDhjrJsJyoEyaaK3WD9zANhhPGW4jntTN-h_4uc8aGRiGo918i/s320/chewsguavafront.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Lastly we have a gummy from the mighty meiji company. I ordered this from Japan as I love almost every gummy I have ever had from there. This one is Guava flavored.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipErbFz2FjboA7C5w88M2TxIxkm_vxCa2Z6sIYWPse0weJUM_98xM3O1qmNWNq74nmOtVl2Iu2cvp2yEZiR2xV-XqQJf4e3fiNvaIsuwBWze8dbOrr7V2sMPLGdUG5Hm_whrC0zsYw1Sh7/s1600/chewsguavaback.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipErbFz2FjboA7C5w88M2TxIxkm_vxCa2Z6sIYWPse0weJUM_98xM3O1qmNWNq74nmOtVl2Iu2cvp2yEZiR2xV-XqQJf4e3fiNvaIsuwBWze8dbOrr7V2sMPLGdUG5Hm_whrC0zsYw1Sh7/s320/chewsguavaback.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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So here we can see all of the ingredients. I have no idea what any of this says but I do know that this gummy uses 100% fruit juice and each pouch has 2,600 mg of collagen. This isn't the first collagen gummy i have had. This can creep some people out. Supposedly by eating the collagen your skin will look younger. I don't know if that is true. It makes me think I am eating ear lobes. Like in a positive and proactive way. That is normal right?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIexC6nFs-lyE0aZBL24cvH2aNbWVb95MPYop1gXL16aXk1_xXF-GRnAMm-SlTxxsmeN9cFwsq5etLN5OX7x6LeSmA9iJfS76U38rX_J3_N22c-tyHubLqCYrSqowz_XTWc__7YmkekoVd/s1600/chewsguavaactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIexC6nFs-lyE0aZBL24cvH2aNbWVb95MPYop1gXL16aXk1_xXF-GRnAMm-SlTxxsmeN9cFwsq5etLN5OX7x6LeSmA9iJfS76U38rX_J3_N22c-tyHubLqCYrSqowz_XTWc__7YmkekoVd/s320/chewsguavaactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Ok. The smell is of fruit. I am not super well versed in guava but I am pretty sure this is it. Nearly every gummy I have had from Japan has had this awesome aroma when the bag is opened. You just want to eat it. So we did:<br />
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S- Alright. This IS good. This is a good gummy. This is like a beauty treatment and a sweet snack all in one. I get it. This is good. I am going to eat another one. 5 out of 5!!!!<br />
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d- Great! Not fake sweet. This is a naturally fruity kinda deal. (well put) This is like a more elastic fruit snack. These are really fragrant. I am going to probably finish these now. I give this a 5-In college I wanted to be involved with the WRC (women's resource center) which did all sorts of incredible work and was run by some really amazing women. The problem was 'What could I offer?" Well, I volunteered to run STITCH AND BITCH. That is right, every week I hosted Stitch and Bitch. Me and around 5 ladies would gather and chat while knitting. Only I had a dirty little secret. You see, I didn't know how to knit. I had learned just how to cast on. So all I did was cast on over and over and over. People enjoyed my bitching so much that they didn't care about my stitching.-out of 5.<br />
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So there we go. Another instalment draws to a close. I encourage you to choose new things to try. Choose things you are pretty sure you won't like. Choose to be kind to strangers. Choose to be helpful. Choose things for other people's benefit. Whatever you do don't choose things that will insulate you in outcomes you already know. At least choose to look at the options and of course, thanks for choosing to read this.dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-51301169425016524392013-10-02T21:03:00.002-07:002013-10-02T21:03:23.423-07:00.What is happening with you? You seem "different." FOOrD BLOrG. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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I know I have said 1000 times that I am not a big chocolate fan. However, even if you are a chocolate fan, you aren't going to like every single thing that chocolate has going on. This is pretty much true with anything. You could be the biggest corduroy vest fan but that doesn't mean you want corduroy ass less chaps. (or maybe it does. They would look good with the vest.) You might love German techno but that doesn't mean you'll love a German techno remix of Fallout Boy. (Unless it is instrumental.) You might love cats but that certainly doesn't mean you'll enjoy Cats The Musical. I am not sure if I am communicating this clearly so lets bring Punky Brewster into the situation. (Always a good idea.) </div>
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So Punky Brewster was a sitcom that was on in the mid 1980s. It was about a quirky little girl who is being raised by an old fuddy duddy foster parent with a heart of gold. The story lines follow Punky as she struggles with things like mild sadness, stress, and friendships. It did OK for a year and so someone decided "We need more Punky!" So suddenly there was a cartoon called "It's Punky Brewster." Basically, the same right? I mean, give the people what they want! Punky Brewster? Check. Magic Gopher-who grants wishes? Check. Wait. What? This isn't the same. If Punky had a magic gopher that grants wishes, she probably wouldn't be a foster kid living with a weird old man with a bleeding ulcer. (I am not admitting that I have thought about this before or argued this point at a party after a few too many slippery nipples.) A version of something can only be just that. Different. Trust me, as someone who has had that word applied to them their whole life, different is an acquired taste.</div>
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Today we will be trying some different chocolate friends.</div>
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First up today is Choco Baby. S found this for me at a market. I think what catches the eye first here is the exploitation style-possibly racist name. Now a lot of candy that I find or that is found for me at Asian groceries or ordered from over seas, will have cartoon characters on them. I am so very glad that this one does not. I searched for commercials with fear in my heart of what I would find. Luckily there were none. So what is a Choco Baby? Well, you know how chocolate can be so DIFFICULT to lug around? Oh man, it is just so HEAVY and cumbersome!!! Am I right? Well luckily meiji has you in mind and created a snack that is a tiny piece of chocolate something. Yeah and packaged it in a tube that is roughly the same size as the average chocolate bar. (huh..) Hey, look on the bright side though, it has a flip top lid so once you try this candy, you can re gift it to someone who you don't really care about. The plastic wrapper even comes off when you open it so they won't know that the candy is racist or an allusion to feces. (I mean everyone has a gross uncle who while leaving a restroom has claimed that they just birthed a chocobaby, right? No. Just me. Thanks Uncle Glen. Thanks a bunch.)<br />
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Lets try it!!!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKFiXN0uFhnJUGwE4mmWzJmXfg-6YiKECZ2VoFsLkuczOWp9JvAjJ2IGZYUpFw_uSLT0Hh0j_KFppo2F5_vqAvddG7OSC0Ta9bW2xaxf5HaPu6mK3KYnIjWm0SLFMMOw38Y8Q3M8umirQa/s1600/chocobabyactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKFiXN0uFhnJUGwE4mmWzJmXfg-6YiKECZ2VoFsLkuczOWp9JvAjJ2IGZYUpFw_uSLT0Hh0j_KFppo2F5_vqAvddG7OSC0Ta9bW2xaxf5HaPu6mK3KYnIjWm0SLFMMOw38Y8Q3M8umirQa/s320/chocobabyactual.jpg" width="238" /></a></div>
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Side note: Upon opening, it smells like a Dollar Store candle that is supposed to smell like a chocolate scented Dollar Store candle. Yeah. Not even a chocolate scented candle. Try once removed from that.<br />
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S- Ugh. Oh no. This is like bad Easter candy. If this is chocolate it has to be the cheapest of any chocolate ever. I am bummed that this is the blog post that you are returning with. I give it a 1 out of 5. No style points. I bet the whole wrapper comes off when you open it, to give you a chance to call it non-racist things.</div>
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d- Ack. I have literally tasted wax that was better than this. The mouth feel is both regret and crumbling wax. It is something like a fake Tootsie roll in every worse sense of this sentence. Perhaps this is the flavor equivalent to being racist. Eat this snack to feel what a racist mouth feels like after being racist. This is the "scared straight" equivalent of snacks. You eat this and then your mouth will want to repent and eat better chocolate. I give this snack a 1- Hyper color shorts. Yeah, sure the shirt will show off your teenage armpit heat and or breasts but as a teenager I had the shorts too. No teenage boy needs heat sensitive shorts. Stick with the shirts Hyper color!-out of 5.</div>
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OK so moving on. Here we have another entry from a fancy chocolate bar. There are millions of these things on the market and I have had maybe two that were worth buying a second time. For all I know maybe that is the $8 chocolate bar business model. Get everyone once. That is all you need. Anyway, I digress, S found this for me. I believe at a local market. (Isn't that helpful?) Look. It is Edamame and sea salt. A chocolate bar with those two things. This is like a low calorie snack meets an actually enjoyable snack. (Just kidding. Love me some edamame. Isn't this helpful as well?) All I know is that I don't see salted milk chocolate often. Bitter or dark chocolate sure. Those are complex and assertive chocolates. Salty milk? Yeah, I will pass on that. That sounds gross.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivnMCZ9ACEKVs_C6p9qTrNEjtL0dAQWiWXbfx_QybQjhgkJH_tzoZtiH8RUXp7c_geQeCVVnamAAgvW_xdcgeMnsgeJTuhw5kUbU4DOfbBGFr8BiwdUbFJetiqV-bZ59mrpxlSI9YnWsyp/s1600/chocoedamameback.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivnMCZ9ACEKVs_C6p9qTrNEjtL0dAQWiWXbfx_QybQjhgkJH_tzoZtiH8RUXp7c_geQeCVVnamAAgvW_xdcgeMnsgeJTuhw5kUbU4DOfbBGFr8BiwdUbFJetiqV-bZ59mrpxlSI9YnWsyp/s320/chocoedamameback.jpg" width="238" /></a></div>
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So as is the case ever so often with this style of upscale grocery chocolate (is that a term or classification?) the back of the packaging pleads their case. It is a bad picture here because I don't really care. Look, be proud of what you make. Sure. Just get off you chocolate high horse. Locally source? OK. Good ingredients? Yeah, well nobody admits otherwise. Fast food doesn't say "some of the meat in here was maybe almost not just chemicals once.?" They say "Only the best..." If I buy a snack, I want a snack not a one sheet advertising your mission statement. Your mission statement is the same as every other snack. Get my money and get in my mouth. (That is also probably a rap lyric.) So then I opened the packaging....<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLHoLIWMAUlNF3G3Ut3725cqn1BoanMCutk68Z-15aeFzZTdkNEfVFj3vL-qQwMuuh5mxHOWLlEetVy06xnfY5R6mQl3Dbycw2PIvVliF6ASt14WHFgG3HxCIAr57S-2VTReCVGaJwEzr6/s1600/chocoedamameinside.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLHoLIWMAUlNF3G3Ut3725cqn1BoanMCutk68Z-15aeFzZTdkNEfVFj3vL-qQwMuuh5mxHOWLlEetVy06xnfY5R6mQl3Dbycw2PIvVliF6ASt14WHFgG3HxCIAr57S-2VTReCVGaJwEzr6/s320/chocoedamameinside.jpg" width="238" /></a></div>
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What? Now it is crazy sexy time party? There is a manage a trios of chocolate ladies (That sounded worse than intended.) in here. Also there are not one but two more paragraphs. Here is the interesting part. So inside it says that every time you buy their chocolate that they give food to someone who wouldn't have food. (Yeah, like that shoe company.) It sounds to me like they could just not put edamame in their chocolate and those hungry people would have a meal and I could eat the chocolate. Win win. Whatever, lets keep unwrapping this completely not wasteful amount of wrapping on this chocolate.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjulSbZljLRFNnvauwNJN6ywEffLwZLKwLTx6GxOEdamE2i-49hvmL1ei4uIats9cNH44dVI6y30AnbOX_g9Vzk-MBGj1rqJIwUPsAvEvmJkoCmlPMtXYozZ4BNKSmT4IQCG6GYqvpETH2D/s1600/chocoedamaeactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjulSbZljLRFNnvauwNJN6ywEffLwZLKwLTx6GxOEdamE2i-49hvmL1ei4uIats9cNH44dVI6y30AnbOX_g9Vzk-MBGj1rqJIwUPsAvEvmJkoCmlPMtXYozZ4BNKSmT4IQCG6GYqvpETH2D/s320/chocoedamaeactual.jpg" width="238" /></a></div>
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Whoa there. Easy on the edamame! Don't you know there are starving people waiting for me to buy a chocolate bar so that you can then feed them hopefully anything but this? (OK. This sounds harsh and I want to apologize to blah blah blah for all the stuff. We good?)<br />
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S- I really don't get the edamame. I get the texture. It is chewy. I really don't care for this. 1 out of 5. They get one style point for the inside packaging.<br />
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d- I knew it. Salty milk chocolate. This is disgusting. Let the record show (of this fake food blog) that we both love salt but this is a misuse altogether. The edamame is like something fell into the chocolate machine. Like an old worm or something dried up and unpleasant. (Not a pleasant worm, like the one in the movie Labyrinth.) I give this a 1-pizza bun burger -out of 5. (What is a pizza bun burger? it is a burger with pieces of pizza as the bun. Duh. It is also a bad idea. Some of you know what I am talking about.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJGuUBZN69CIIh2AXgXWHn6Eay5am21l1UH1EI6S758MDxxzKI30VAykYhUnNp9e6AhaLD7qoWVw_whyphenhyphenJomNOTuxvraw_ZlnQFKAdoZUJCcmesdkJnzH8l9fo3BAngwVb5vdsiTp45rAY3/s1600/chocogojifront.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJGuUBZN69CIIh2AXgXWHn6Eay5am21l1UH1EI6S758MDxxzKI30VAykYhUnNp9e6AhaLD7qoWVw_whyphenhyphenJomNOTuxvraw_ZlnQFKAdoZUJCcmesdkJnzH8l9fo3BAngwVb5vdsiTp45rAY3/s320/chocogojifront.jpg" width="238" /></a></div>
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Next is another treat from the fine people at sugarfina. Here we have some dark chocolate covered goji berries. You can look up what a goji berry is on your own time. I am not a research assistant. I eat stuff and babble. (I am a novice mess at both of those things.) Now here is the problem. Just because you may enjoy a company doesn't mean that everything they make will be your favorite. Sure, it might be but there is always the danger that it won't be for you. That is OK. Everyone can like different things. Hey, I like so many things that you probably don't. Things you might even hate. That is cool. Eat a goji berry and chill. (In your research, did you see they are good for chilling? I know they have alleged health benefits. It isn't for erectile dysfunction is it? You know what? Don't tell me. It isn't important.)<br />
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Side note: No real aroma when opening the container. This snack sort of feels like a chocolate covered raisin.<br />
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S- Nope. There is something weird about it. This reminds me of a chocolate covered raisin that has been badly burned first. Ugh. I give this negative points. Less than nothing.<br />
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d- The "dark chocolate" shell first gracefully shatters revealing an emaciated fragment of a mere cat's toenail. (possibly) Do you remember wax lips? this is like eating the part of those that had a sore on it. (Too much?) Well, it isn't great. Nobody should eat these. I just want to move on. I give this a 0-New Kids On the Block reunion-out of 5. (Come on. You had your run. Donnie, you are going to throw your hip out dry humping that amplifier.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt1qzsC8y_xKR8I390OwTZh29zcTzAb2uS38soOKSbrBkI1gJbRN7S_jEBJ6F9dMg1Y0mT5FWugYTK8E_xGsGNgJlLc3NlL-E3CYil1INU7tZtKBvSY5T54ljAQAhSIt8gFj30UGHuRGbQ/s1600/chocoidahospudfront.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt1qzsC8y_xKR8I390OwTZh29zcTzAb2uS38soOKSbrBkI1gJbRN7S_jEBJ6F9dMg1Y0mT5FWugYTK8E_xGsGNgJlLc3NlL-E3CYil1INU7tZtKBvSY5T54ljAQAhSIt8gFj30UGHuRGbQ/s320/chocoidahospudfront.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Alright. This is the end. We end it with this. The Idaho Spud. This is an old candy. Like 1918 old. The candy bar reads "The candy bar that makes Idaho famous." Which just goes to show you that once, a long time ago, "famous" meant something entirely different. Also a long time ago, i guess you could put sugar on anything and call it "candy." Case in point: see below.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_P7S6WNs_oE8l4exxHCOyErkmQHiEENwm41Y_7HR16LminzxbyGp9kk0Q5HTPWLk2ZDZ6mJlvT6JHphGWximaYIjhdzzMgZ6eVJe30tKhp-A8BSri0TXIwGp3sY1FluF-xjJw8PCffunW/s1600/chocoidahospudactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_P7S6WNs_oE8l4exxHCOyErkmQHiEENwm41Y_7HR16LminzxbyGp9kk0Q5HTPWLk2ZDZ6mJlvT6JHphGWximaYIjhdzzMgZ6eVJe30tKhp-A8BSri0TXIwGp3sY1FluF-xjJw8PCffunW/s320/chocoidahospudactual.jpg" width="238" /></a></div>
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What the eff??? It is like they aren't even trying. Oh so this is what a potato looks like? They must have been so confused at all of the potatoes that their cat had laid in the litter box. Now, I had hopes that S would really like this one as it involves some sort of coconut but upon seeing it she demanded to see the ingredients. Trust me, they are atrocious. Weird oils and all. What you can't see here is that beneath the attractive exterior is a very creative interpretation of a marshmallow. This isn't right. Somebody check the Idaho water supply. Something has gone horribly awry and not only is nobody fixing it. They are claiming it. If I made this, I'd blame everyone else. However, the rule is that we have to try it.....<br />
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S- No way. This is some REAL weird stuff. Here, let me see what is in it. Ugh. I hate this. I hate this the most. This is inedible. Worse than negative points. No style points for things that look like poop.<br />
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d- You know how a really horrid version of magic shell tastes when it is covered in dead skin? NO? Well, I do and it is what makes Idaho famous! The gritty exterior is a marvelous precursor to the grainy texture of the chemical marshmallow that lie in wait beneath it. (Chemical Marshmallow is my favorite early 90s rock band BTW.) I give this a 0-Lip Smackers. Alright, cool it. People like mint and berry lip gloss. Nobody who is 8 needs to know what a pina colada tastes like much less lips that taste like a pina colada. No teenager needs root beer lip gloss. "Hey Glen, what was your first kiss like?" Eh, root beer. "You ain't never kissed anyone Glen. That is why you make gross jokes when you leave restrooms. Weirdo."-out of 5.<br />
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It is good to be back. I will try to post every week on mouth watering Wednesday. (That is what everyone calls it right?) I have a wonderful assortment of snacks so far that have been gifted to me or that I have sought out. Thanks for taking the time to read this drivel. As always, don't take my word for it. Go try these snacks and all of the others "reviewed" and form your own opinions from experiences. Blah blah blah and stuff,<br />
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dirk.<br />
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Alright, I am done. Normally there is at least a positive snack in the bunch but these are all terrible. albeit terrible in their own special different ways. Like us all.dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-22413986980825024582013-03-06T22:08:00.002-08:002013-03-06T22:08:46.196-08:00.FOOrD BLOrG. DIY Snacks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
There is nothing new about the idea of DIY (Do it Yourself). Many generations look back to previous generations and learn that they can do things that have since become more accessible through big business. Gardening and canning are obvious examples. Sure you can go to the supermarket and buy food or you can grow it and even preserve anything of excess for consumption through the winter. Genius. There has always been an undercurrent of people in these life crusades that frankly not too many people have the time or interest. Those people (whom we will refer to as the majority) have no qualms with sitting in their car in a line at a Taco bell because they don't feel like cooking. (Which if you ask me they are also saying that they don't care about eating either.) Fine. I am trying not to judge. (I am also completely judging but then editing out the sentences.) There are other people who grew their own tomatoes and onions. Then they made a simple red sauce and canned it months ago. They came home and heated up their no preservative, canned at the height of flavor, and freshness sauce and had a satisfying delicious meal. I am still trying not to judge but I can tell you who felt better after the meal. (Also the other person is a gross pig bodied fanny face. *Oops missed that judgement. My apologies to any PBFF.) </div>
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An obvious example but people also DIY clothes, soap, chickens, jewelry, home repair, goats, car mechanics, and pet grooming (probably). I like the idea of it all but like many people I have a limit to that which I can do for myself. Time is the biggest limit but also ability. (I am not allowed to use power tools. This is a very valid rule. One that I don't have the time to get into today but maybe next week.) For example, if I had a child, there is no way that I could do cloth diapers. There are other factors too like "gross." (Now if you want to blow your mind just look at a cloth diaper blog. We are talking 1000s of readers and 1000s of DIY brands.) I hear people talk about it and they say "You have to dump the baby by product (Which is all a baby does. Do you know why people always say a baby looks cute in a picture? It is because you can't smell them. (*Eh, that sounds like a judgement. Judges? Ok. No name calling so we will let that one pass.) then you have to rinse the foulness from the cloth as best you can. Now remember all of this is happening without gloves on. Yeah, grody-mcstinky finger has poop hands! (*Ok that is a total judgement even if it is a fact. Plus it should be capitalized. Public apology to all G-MFs) Then you wash it with your clothes in the wash. See what I mean? It is gross, a lot of work, and too time consuming. (Not to mention a ton of the designs are Tye dyed or have peace signs. If I wanted my imaginary baby to look like a hippy I'd let her grow out her dreadlocks.) Wait, what was my point?</div>
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Today we are going to talk about snacks. Snacks and the idea of: Could I do this myself?</div>
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Alright, so first we have a popcorn from Masala Pop which is a Portland Oregon business. I would like to preface this review with the fact that I don't like caramel corn and rarely eat popcorn. So please take that into consideration.<br />
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As we can see on the front, this is anything but ordinary. This version (and I believe they have three core varieties and a seasonal feature. I think.) is Chai Masala Popcorn with Oregon Hazelnuts. (Along with the beginning preface I should add that I don't really care for hazelnuts either.) Often in these ramblings I talk about the buzzwords on the front of products. The tactical statement on the front that triggers want or need in the brain and insures that we as consumers will buy the product. Masala Pop clearly communicates what it is and if you don't get enough from the opening statement then they break it down for you below that. This is smart because not everyone understands or knows what chai or masala is or means. Mostly because they are too busy dying in their pointless routines of eating the same bland mayonnaise laden turkey and cream cheese bagel bites with a side of hamburger helper. What a bunch of Chump-Dumps sitting like lumps swelling up their bumps. (*Clearly that was a judgement. Also not so clearly is what that last bit means. Apologies to whomever that was targeted at. Although chances are they don't read this blog. One because they aren't my mother or my wife and also because everyone knows that Chump-Dumps can't read anything that doesn't say ranch.* Second judgement. Sorry. It is kind of fun though.<br />
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Lastly, Masala Pop includes a very nice photo on the front to cover anyone that is........Ok. Stopped myself there. Lets just say it is a wise move on their part. Moving on....<br />
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I love products that put everything out there. On the back we have just that. They don't hide behind "secret ingredients." They also are showing that they care about people who have food allergies. They seem proud of the product and what is in it and what isn't in it. They also aren't too preachy. I don't want a preachy snack. Nobody should. I can respect all of these things but what it really all comes down to is taste.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEprqE9JkjwoeY-xh4M7hackefoMBiotH2KK7sRkuATr1wvm_-eNu5FcKvnfIM7l4HKBVmh1XBC0b7YMargbDqhB7cbFLx73oV1xXkCwcJJXWFvzzto3J4iesbjXoySXh-3MKR8uhtRDwe/s1600/snacksmasalaactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEprqE9JkjwoeY-xh4M7hackefoMBiotH2KK7sRkuATr1wvm_-eNu5FcKvnfIM7l4HKBVmh1XBC0b7YMargbDqhB7cbFLx73oV1xXkCwcJJXWFvzzto3J4iesbjXoySXh-3MKR8uhtRDwe/s320/snacksmasalaactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Well, the aroma is surprising. There are hints of spice and not a huge sweet smell. I can even detect the scent of popcorn. Yeah. I didn't expect that. See, that is what one word can do. Even though "Caramel" doesn't appear until the second sentence on the label, my brain puts that first. Probably because I know what caramel corn tastes like and my brain just wanted to classify what this snack is. However that is not what this is. There is something far more complex and intriguing going on here. Lets see the breakdown:<br />
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S- Whoa. It is crunchy. I really like that I can taste the chai. It looks like the hazelnuts aren't coated in the same way as the popcorn which is nice and adds another dimension. This is great. I really like the crunch. 5-out of-5<br />
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d-It is really nice. I like the crunch and that this is far more savory than I expected. I thought this would be very sweet with hints of spice. I was wrong. Delicious.<br />
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Since trying this flavor I have tried the other offerings and they are all creative but make sense. They are all great but my favorite is the limited Saffron Rose. It is incredible. They sell these individually or they also have a tin situation. I recommend you get this if you like snacks, popcorn, kettle corn, or all around awesomeness.<br />
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Now for today's big question: Could I DIY this?<br />
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No.<br />
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Sure I can and have made flavored popcorn but you aren't going to get this light crispness or the aromatic warmth that this spice blend adds. Sure you can make some dumbed down version but why? The art to whatever their process is, is perfect here.<br />
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I give them 5-Animal hats. Look lady, you are over 30 and wearing a hat with cat ears. It doesn't read "I am cute." or "I am eccentric." It reads "My therapy didn't take." Go back and get help. A homeless person doesn't even want to ask you for change and they once courted a frisbee. (Not even a frisbee golf one or even glow in the dark. Just one of those free ones. Yeah, I know.) Nobody cares if you DIY'd that hat but we all wish you DDTYAISH. (Didn't do that yourself and instead sought help.)-out of 5.<br />
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So on a not too recent trip to Seattle we encountered these chips. I had to buy these. Crab chip? Is that anything like a cow chip? Lets hope not. Ok. Cheap jokes aside, this is a great idea. Crab is a delight. Nobody is here to say crab isn't simply the delight of the sea and if you are you get your lilly-livered, flima-flab jibbering, wobbly-teated, land-loving self OUT OF HERE! (*Whoa. Ok that was another judgement. I am starting to seriously doubt my ability to self censor. This explains alot about how I am perceived both in and out of the work place. Oh and apologies to anyone named Carlyle or Phulva.*)<br />
My point being that a little salt and spice is nice with crab. Have you ever had a crab boil? You know where you boil, crab, potatoes, and corn all in water with OLD Bay seasoning? If not then go DIY a crab boil. Trust me.<br />
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Uh huh. Yep. I can see on the back here we have.... Alright what are some of those ingredients? I get like the first five or so. Might I say, really nice photo skills. Wow. I am quite a DIY photographer. I should probably make an ETSY site where I just copy everyone else's idea. Oh someone does that already? How many? Most? Oh. Well maybe when I take up knitting and make arm warmers. (*Yeah, I noticed it too. This seems like poorly disguised judgery. What do you mean "judgery" isn't a word. Oh yeah, WELL IT ISN'T YOUR FOOD BLOG IS IT? YOU SELF RIGHTEOUS KNOW IT ALL! YOU KNOW LIFE ISN'T A GAME OF JEOPARDY AND YOUR MEMORIZED FACTS DON'T ACTUALLY MAKE YOU ANY BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. . . .ok, maybe we should all just take a breather. Lets just get up and do some stretches. Hip thrusts are calming? Lets just do some hip thrusts.. I DON'T SEE YOU THRUSTING!!!<br />
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How does it look? Well, there you go. They are quarter size roughly. Kinda cute.<br />
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S-This is pretty good. They are salty. I like the amount of salt. It might be too salty for some people but this is right up my salt alley. They get a plus one style point for the bag looking old timey. This looks like something you'd get at the beach in years gone by. 5-out of-5. A very good snack.<br />
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d- These are great. This is pretty much exactly what you'd want it to be. If you are going to eat a chip knowing that it is all oils and weird what not then this is the one and it would be great with crab. You'd need the salt on this chip.<br />
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Could I DIY it? No. Look I have tried "oven" fries. Not even close and not nearly as enjoyable. It just isn't. I know this isn't a kale chip. It isn't trying to be one. I have also seen people fry potatoes in an attempt to make a chip and they are almost always overdone. Especially in Portland sandwich shops. Buy the chip. It comes from the east coast but Picnic in Seattle sells them.<br />
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I give it a 5-Look. It is going to shrink. We all know it. Don't bother knitting him a sweater. It is going to go boxy and wonky on his body. It will probably also get too tight on his neck which will freak him out and subconsciously he will feel like you are smothering him. Save yourself the time and stick to scarves. He forgets them everywhere anyway. (because they make his beard itchy. Also ask him to shave off his beard. We hate it and it he lives in a city. He doesn't need to hide his face from the elements. Yes, even though he looks like Elvis DeGeneres with out it.)-out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBc9Q73Z6bEErjgBNfvcG5JrhmfIffijEQF_QzAhVONg2zuZP9PthSbRJoI85wyhFUdLDf0SEI0iArB3wPLAaKRbXbhzrMlpNULF4CSePY_15petTZpGALGWKFRp20yOCLAG5ejH7mGjPW/s1600/snacksgoodbeanfront.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBc9Q73Z6bEErjgBNfvcG5JrhmfIffijEQF_QzAhVONg2zuZP9PthSbRJoI85wyhFUdLDf0SEI0iArB3wPLAaKRbXbhzrMlpNULF4CSePY_15petTZpGALGWKFRp20yOCLAG5ejH7mGjPW/s320/snacksgoodbeanfront.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Do you know what I love? Chickpeas. Yep. I know that isn't the toughest thing to exclaim but it is true. I love garbanzo beans or chickpeas whatever you want to call them. Cook them, mash them, bake them, blend them- I really don't care. Plain in a an herb salad. Fork yes! (Yeah, that made me hate myself...ugh.) So when I saw this in a Portland grocery store I had to try them. From the cover I figured that this is much like a peanut snack that I love to get from Asian groceries that has szechuan peppercorns in it. The aromatic heat blast of that snack contrasted with the peanut is awesome. I also really enjoy both pepper and coarse salt.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCLgZXG265WUMXXMlIQqgpdNBfFC1Zd0CEmHwX5xSiO3PM3crLU1bzQHZ7h90vt3pXoSqgR6tPT9ytrgmZZ3VWArQhIWe4HfNF3mgDm6lHmPolvHzjOWoARlF7GTb0Eh8f4L00VCA7TR3P/s1600/snacksgoodbeanback.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCLgZXG265WUMXXMlIQqgpdNBfFC1Zd0CEmHwX5xSiO3PM3crLU1bzQHZ7h90vt3pXoSqgR6tPT9ytrgmZZ3VWArQhIWe4HfNF3mgDm6lHmPolvHzjOWoARlF7GTb0Eh8f4L00VCA7TR3P/s320/snacksgoodbeanback.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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So on the back of the bag here we can see that there are health "facts." Ah they sound pretty good for you. Oh and they have recommended uses other than out of the bag...."Egg salad?" Go take a long walk off a short salad bar you SNACK FREAKSHOW! (*My apologies for this outburst. I really thought we had moved past this. Sorry Good Bean.) Seems to me that egg salad, other than being completely disgusting, is a weird choice for....I am sorry but the idea is just making we want to vomit. Weird choice Good Bean also why rule out the vegans?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6SGv4iLDO7_MO415NvbJ5nYJl4PXl6UQTlUjeDagdgBSodko3INYVN8t-6zRXSJPpAxFtzviDiOEfsS8cqiIB7SqQDzEhsBrO59Hz6GAi1jRTrHWXP8TMJZwE6ez-GqkS0klE-zu0w9WL/s1600/snacksgoodbeanactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6SGv4iLDO7_MO415NvbJ5nYJl4PXl6UQTlUjeDagdgBSodko3INYVN8t-6zRXSJPpAxFtzviDiOEfsS8cqiIB7SqQDzEhsBrO59Hz6GAi1jRTrHWXP8TMJZwE6ez-GqkS0klE-zu0w9WL/s320/snacksgoodbeanactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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WTF are these? This isn't what is on the bag. These look like dirty flesh marbles. (Well, they do!) This is not good business. You make me think clean, light, and healthy chickpeas and what you actually give me to put in my mouth are dirty flesh marbles. Shame on you.<br />
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S-Ugh. This has a really BAD texture. Nope. I don't like it. This isn't even close to the picture. This isn't the same product. 0-out of 5.<br />
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d-Oh no. The texture makes me think it is old. This is so unpleasantly gritty. It is even shelf stable until July. I can't imagine eating more of this now much less sitting around until July. I don't even get any exotic pepper or coarse salt.<br />
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Could I DIY? Yes. I have. It was a thousand times better. It was crunchy and not clay like at all. You can find easy recipes online and at like 80 cents a can you could make a lot more than this bag. Hell, you can get the dried ones at an even cheaper cost but then maybe that is what this is from. I give this a 0-Electrical. Dudes. Hey, put the wires down. Quit impersonating Tim Allen. That was a long time ago. Let it die. He had to. You don't understand electrical currents. Let a professional do it. Don't get all butt-hurt cause you can't use all your tools. Just buck up little cowboy. Tomorrow is another dance at the cow corral.(Is that how men talk?)-out of 5.<br />
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Lastly we have Tom Yum Flavored peanuts. Yep. So now you can get a peanut flavored like your favorite Thai soup. Now I hope that this doesn't sound racist but is that supposed to be a peanut with David Lee Roth's hair wearing those x-ray specs that you could order from the back of a comic book in an effort to see people's undergarments? Cuz if so, that is a weird choice for a mascot.<br />
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Ah, so we can see here that this is Thailand's #1 peanut snack. Well it must be great then. Although I would like to mention that it is odd to eat nuts from a tennis ball can. Is the hairy peanut man also into tennis? My brain may be reading to much into his hairy peanut activities. Are his tennis whites under the robe? You know what. Not important. Lets move on.<br />
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Ok. So once I popped the can open we can see a coated peanut snack. This is very similar in its approach to Cracker Nuts another Asian snack. So what you have is a peanut in a crunchy flavored shell.<br />
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S-It is just a dry crunchy peanut. I like the flavor. The texture is a little weird. I taste some of the coconut and a little seaweed or fish sauce but it isn't gross. I even get a little lime leaf in there. It is pretty good. 4-out of 5. Although, minus one style point for the dumb cartoon. Cartoons are for babies and tom yum is not for babies.<br />
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d- The aroma is of peanuts. Whoa these are super crunchy. It is slightly sweet at first. These nuts have a weird tang but I like the heat at the end. Not bad. Not bad at all.<br />
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Could I DIY? No. I am sure there is some kind of slightly dubious process at work. I give this a 4-Look. Nobody needs your half baked childish ideas about food or snacks. Leave it to the stuffy entitled people to judge other peoples hard work and dreams. The idea that you sit and write for 2 hours and don't edit isn't even interesting or cool. Quit wasting your time and go outside. You look like a pale clam-faced little troll. (*OK. Stop. Now you are bring mean. It doesn't matter that you have become lost in the idea of having two separate voices. It is no reason to beat yourself up. You have made your point. You want people to go out and try these things and decide for themselves. You wanted to give them a chuckle. Hopefully you did that. Now just stop. You are bumming out this frisbee. It was loved once. A long time ago....)-out of 5.<br />
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Take care. Hope you enjoyed and are inspired to blah-blah-blah DIY.dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-18091834781558621842013-01-09T21:26:00.001-08:002013-01-09T21:26:43.805-08:00.FOOrD BLOrG. Are you getting cooler or are you getting hotter?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
From what I can tell, people care about how they are perceived. Do people think I am hot? Do I dress cool? Some people equate their worth to how many friends they have on FB or followers (probably because they called them followers) on Twitter. I mean there are commercials advertising ways that you can see who is looking for you on the Internet. Who cares? </div>
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Answer: People do.</div>
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Do you know what the main difference between a 50 dollar pair of jeans and a 5000 dollar pair of jeans is? A name. It sure isn't what it is made of. They aren't woven from the only Ukrainian Unicorn's mane or Micky Rourke's hair from the 80's. (When he was doing the good drugs.) It is a name that allows the wearer to to tell others that they are wearing $5000 jeans and are to be perceived as cool or elite. That isn't a secret but even though we know this it still persists. I mean look at rap videos with all the rented cars and jewelry. Most of them don't own any of that. They desperately want people to think of them as rich and successful. People find that caper to be inspirational. It kinda bums me out to be honest. </div>
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Imagine if every profession operated in such a way. Your meet your dentist and he/she not only has big healthy teeth but he/she has a ton of them. They have like double the amount of teeth anyone else has. They are like "I take care of my teeth so well that other people's teeth left their mouth and moved into mine." ("My grill is a sanctuary!") </div>
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What I am talking about today is :Hot Vs Cool. Unless you are talking about the temperature, things can be tricky. If a guy (albeit an idiot in this scenario.) says "Girl, you look hot!" (*In this scenario you are a girl.) and the woman doesn't look at him or acknowledge his (albeit stupid) proclamation. He might then say "Oh girl, that is cold!" WTF??? Another person could say "Hey, Hubert (you are Hubert in this scenario...and you are still a girl. Bummer.) cool jeans!" (One could argue that nobody named Hubert has ever been told "cool jeans" without sarcasm.) Now unless those jeans are ventilated as was the style in the 80s. They would be no cooler than any other jeans. Where did these weird terms of social acceptance come from? </div>
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Answer: I don't know. I am just hear to talk about snacks.</div>
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Today we are looking at snacks that are either hot or cold in flavor. We will also be grading them on a 0-5 scale of questionable hot or cool things. (Also we have Bev and Sarah sampling with us.)</div>
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So first today we have Astrorox-Astronaut Ice Cream. Now in case you haven't ever had astronaut ice cream before, there is something you should know. (It is made from the milk of an astronaut.) There is no such thing as astronaut ice cream. They don't eat this freeze dried candy in space. I guess it is a crumb thing but then this product is an even worse designed space cream product. It is comprised of a plastic tube full of like Dip N Dots style candy. These could really gum up a spaceship. (I guess.) Doesn't it seem weird that they can fly people into space (*allegedly) and crumbs could still be an obstacle? Really, our crumb guard technology is that sucksville? That is it. THE MOON LANDING IS A FARCE!!!!!.....<br />
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What were we talking about? Oh yes, Astrorox. I suppose the correct spelling of astrorocks was taken. Can we all agree that ending things with Xs instead of CKs is not ok anymore. It isn't fun and it never was. You don't see signs reading "HAMHOX 4 SALE" (I hope.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjh0ANqzigZZVaEKTosRmP2xlrF9i-Zy2yrxeBPO1J1IK-v9Gs9APnbTkKuEcpPPr7Ez0vAIcpVjAxRxNipKvJVGSPd5COeCxJtYlE-sqvc5L0ECXQ1VhyEKxBAV5JcAOukOw1xQ0e0PrK/s1600/coldastronautactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjh0ANqzigZZVaEKTosRmP2xlrF9i-Zy2yrxeBPO1J1IK-v9Gs9APnbTkKuEcpPPr7Ez0vAIcpVjAxRxNipKvJVGSPd5COeCxJtYlE-sqvc5L0ECXQ1VhyEKxBAV5JcAOukOw1xQ0e0PrK/s320/coldastronautactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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The snack itself smells like sweet freeze-dried milk powder. I am unsure what is in it because when I opened it, the whole label comes off. Poor design flaw. Now I can't see the extreme spelling of "ASTROROX." Sure would have enjoyed these more if I could have seen all the fun I should be having. (sigh) (They could have called these Uranus Beads. No? Spaceballs. No? AsteroidNutz. (That doesn't even make sense..)No?)<br />
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B- No, no. Eh... It tastes like strawberry ice cream-WHICH IS DISGUSTING! Well, this is nasty. It doesn't have the mouth feel of ice cream. It is slimy. Um, I give it a 3 out of 5. It is fine I guess.<br />
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S- Well, I don't like ice cream and I really don't like Neapolitan ice cream. However it solves the problem from our last test. I have now had astronaut ice cream. I guess it is fun for what it is supposed to be. It gets a 3 out of 5. No style points.<br />
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d- I have had Astronaut Ice Cream. Some friends of mine would buy it at the Natural Wonder store in the mall in the 90s. (It was like 10 dollars, I have no idea why. This was a gift from my parents for this blog. So the price sure is better.) This tastes identical to that except the one I had in the 90s was a brick that you could bite chunks off of and this is tiny balls. The three flavors aren't super different. It is fine but not really the most enjoyable snack. It is sad when something is so middle ground. I guess if you are into having tiny slimy balls in your mouth you could do far worse. 3- Side Ponytails were awesome and should be brought back. Not those tall bangs. Just side ponytails. They were cool. out of 5.<br />
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Alright. Spicy chocolate. I get it. It is telling me that it is going to be hot but who designed the label? It is so tacky and dated. (I am guessing that the same person who made this label also made fliers for vegan riot grrl shows in the 90s.) If you are paying 7 dollars for a chocolate bar it should look like 7 dollars and not 7 design missteps.<br />
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YES! They carried over the awesome font that was chosen for the front onto the back! I imagine that if you went to Arizona and found anyone wearing an excessive amount of Turquoise (Which I believe is everyone in Arizona.) that this is their handwriting. This is their state mandated way of printing. Some kind of geode inspired comic sans with a touch of super-hippy. It is like if you ate peyote in Arizona and saw a talking lizard only her thoughts (her name is Hubert and she is also you) appeared in a thought bubble that you could read-this would be the font.<br />
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I hope you aren't to sad that you can't read it all. I am not. I don't think this is going to go well.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJUCB_EN5Ro85Yu0x666IEXMEzgS7bvOe7CDCl-q2qojgX_Vn4_3uIBzn3tgUozbpqtyNrIHZhquu2-0GphNIIoq7goYlBwIAqa_SoshHbqj9XyGjKbLsvW2Y0KVKwx8tDoj_XQf1DudrK/s1600/coldchocolateactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJUCB_EN5Ro85Yu0x666IEXMEzgS7bvOe7CDCl-q2qojgX_Vn4_3uIBzn3tgUozbpqtyNrIHZhquu2-0GphNIIoq7goYlBwIAqa_SoshHbqj9XyGjKbLsvW2Y0KVKwx8tDoj_XQf1DudrK/s320/coldchocolateactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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Well, the first thing that I notice is that there are no huge chili chunks or seeds. It doesn't smell like anything but chocolate. Lets try it.<br />
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B-The package is hilarious! It looks like a head shop poster. Hmm. It is spicy. Not super spicy though. I am not crazy about the chocolate. Honestly, I would only eat this for this blog. 5 out of 5-for the package.<br />
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S-I get the chili on the front of the tongue and slowly at the back. If you added salt to this it would be perfect. I like the chocolate. 4-out of 5. A perfect example of having a friend make your label. $7 chocolate should look like it. -1 style point.<br />
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d-I like the chocolate. It is dark and milk which is nice. It has a pleasant mouth feel and the heat is quite nicely balanced. This is one of the best crafted high-end (at least in price) chocolate bars we have had. I agree about the salt. If they added Jacobsen Sea Salt then it would be pretty perfect. Really delicious! I believe we covered the feeling about the packaging. 4-Also cool: those belt buck things that girls would pull their shirt through on their hip on one side out. I am pretty sure those were hot.-out of 5.<br />
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Warheads Sour Coolers!!! So Sarah spotted these for me. Literally. I mean I was present in the store but too short to see these on the top shelf. (She is pretty handy and rad.)<br />
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Cooling Crystals!!! WHAT?? ARE THEY FROM SPACE??? WHY AM I YELLING!!!! (Why were those exclamation points and not question marks...hmm) Yeah, so here we have a sour candy roll much like my favorite candy "SWEETARTS" only these are sour with cooling crystals. I am in 100%.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVXMCCH5iLYxyq7-nc1Sz9tGPSlk6XoD6i58jzWTguqUsHlITh0h9geR5OvZOR2bGxnnIFiAIvZ5LDNgRAZzvnISgi2a_C6t4yssxeKfKLHguC4VpGfPmDOM_kvDpQbo8ky610kxTVRLi4/s1600/coldairheadactual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVXMCCH5iLYxyq7-nc1Sz9tGPSlk6XoD6i58jzWTguqUsHlITh0h9geR5OvZOR2bGxnnIFiAIvZ5LDNgRAZzvnISgi2a_C6t4yssxeKfKLHguC4VpGfPmDOM_kvDpQbo8ky610kxTVRLi4/s320/coldairheadactual.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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So you can see here that they stamped Wally Warhead on each candy. Nice touch. (I think his name is Wally.)<br />
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B-Grape first! Oh yeah! I love it already! (*Side note: This was the last snack that she tried.) This is the best candy yet. This is like a dessert oasis after everything else. This is incredible. Oh you have to chew it for full action! Next up is Apple. Oh YES! Awesome. Slightly more sour. I did close one eye. I give this 1 million points! -1 style point for the stupid logo. (*1 million points is just a 5.)<br />
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S- Sour apple is not that sour. However I did close one eye. I did get a slight cool hint in the throat. I like the purple/grape the best but it seemed to have less cool crystals. Not my favorite. 2 -out of 5.<br />
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d- These aren't very sour at all. Less chalky deliciousness like Sweetarts. More of a finer compressed sugar mouth feel. Kinda gritty a bit. I don't like the cooling crystals. To me it makes me think of mouth wash or tooth paste. Two things that seem counteractive to candy enjoyment. Like the orange juice and toothpaste thing. For how excited I was for this, this just feels like a prank. Like if you created a vitamin packed toothpaste replacement tablet. (Why hasn't anyone? Hell, put caffeine in there and save me 30 minutes every morning. Of course high school kids would snort it and die. Therefor ruining it for everyone else. sigh.) I give this a 2-Cross Colors overalls. Just kidding. Those are the worst-forever.-out of 5.<br />
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Well here we are. The final snack and it looks to be a hot one. Ghost pepper candy balls. Ok. No problem. I would like to note that I wasn't afraid to try this item. I did however make a stupid mistake. having never seen these candies before I assumed that the pepper heat was under a candy coating. It (or some of it) is dusted around the outside of each candy. So in shipping the dust dislodges itself and works around to the outside of their box. The box comes shrink wrapped in plastic but once you remove that and go to open the box you will have ghost pepper powder on your hands. It isn't a lot. but it is enough that whatever you touch is going to burn. Burn for 20 minutes or so. Luckily for me I only touched my cheek. (My face cheek...) Sarah was smart and put on a plastic glove to handle the candy.<br />
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(I just want to say that Bev tried this a day after us. It is fun to give someone a snack with a plastic glove and say "put this on to handle the candy that you are about to eat.")<br />
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B-Ack! It HURTS! I hate this! I want water. (Rushes into kitchen and gets water.) My ears hurt. (Drinks second glass of water.) i DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. (Third glass of water.) Worst candy ever! I hate it. It makes me cry more then Les Miserables. Ugh. The powder on the outside is gross. Then I bit in and realized that I hate candies like this. I want to go to the hospital. (Begins eating pretzels that Sarah has brought her.) This is on a prank level with the Durian essence. I got to give it a 5. It is what it says. They did it. Ugh, good brother. I don't think I drank this much water all year!<br />
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S- I do not care for the smell. It smells like dried meat. Ugh. The initial taste is terrible. I really feel like they could have done something different with the gummy center. The finish is pretty solid if that is what you want. i will give it a 4 out of 5. -1 style point for making me think of ghost balls.<br />
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d-Eh. The powder is disgusting. It tastes like if a desert wore cologne to smell like a wallet. Does that make sense? like a leather vest that Clint Eastwood wore in an old western towards the end of the shoot. Yeah, like that. (Leather Desert-my new indie band.) Then I bit into it and the texture is more like a sourball or perhaps a Hot Tamale candy is more apt. The inside seems pretty cinnamon centered. I could be wrong. (I was drinking wine during this experiment. To be honest.) It was about this point that it got super hot. It wasn't unbearable but it was pretty aggressive. It could benefit from a little balance but a cheap plastic box with the name it has isn't exactly going to be gourmet. For what it is, I give it a 4- Hypercolor is the only clothing where being hot isn't cool-out of 5. (Trust me I had the shirt and shorts in middle school. Yeah, bad time to be a teenager and have color reacting clothing. ugh.)<br />
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Thanks for reading. Thanks to S & B for participating. Thanks to my friends and family that bring me snacks. See you next week. (Hubert)<br />
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*Find me on Twitter. My ego needs it.<br />
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Remember everything is just a game of perspective. There is no right opinion. Think for yourself. Try things experience things (not murder) and form your own opinion. Except that Ugs are really ugly. That is a fact. You barbarian ladies need to quit it. Now I am just babbling. I should stop....<br />
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You know really, the fact that I can sit for an hour or two and just write this with no rewrites and any of it makes sense is nothing short of a miracle. I am not one to toot my own horn (mainly because I handle a lot of chilies) but TOOT TOOT!<br />
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<br />dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-27436630272853360912012-12-31T18:19:00.001-08:002012-12-31T18:19:07.401-08:00.FOOrD BLOrG. Weird weird world.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Spoiler Alert: The world is a very strange place.</div>
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If you don't agree with the above statement then "Either you don't know, don't show or don't care about what is going on in the hood." -Ice Cube (Boyz in the Hood) Ok, that makes no sense but neither do a lot of things going on everyday. Honestly most of my days (when in public) consist of me in awe of how strange people are or I am baffled as to why they would be doing what they are doing. (If you don't know what I am talking about, find me on FB.) I don't mean this in an "open your eyes" Matrix/Conspiracy kind of way but if that application is what it takes for you to look around and see how unusual things are then so be it. </div>
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Lets just talk about food for a moment. Did you know that a commonly used thickener for bread or dough is human hair? Yeah. Or duck feathers. They both fall under "Natural ingredients." Some soy sauce has used hair since way back. So to recap you have eaten human hair on rice. That is weird. (*I am not going to site articles or pages because if you do your own search you will no doubt find many things on your own journey. I don't want to take the pleasure from you of falling down the rabbit hole here.) Also at a fast food joint you have had a burger with human hair and feathers. Are you cool with this? Now the really weird thing is that you can tell this to someone and they can and will be not only ok about it they will eat those items again. Another thing that has just been released is that there is dried beaver anal sacks used in vanilla and raspberry flavoring. Hey, its natural! So you have most likely drank a beaver anus soda. This is a truth. This is the real world that we live in and that is a truth. (Do a search for "soda with beaver anal sack." Enjoy!) Now I could tell a person this. Face to face. Perhaps even with pictures and if that soda is present as well, they might still drink the soda. That blows my mind.</div>
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Well, enough about food. Lets talk about snacks! (That makes no sense.)</div>
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(*Todays 1-5 scale is brought to you by weird worldy ongoings.) </div>
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This snack is called Neru Neru Nerune and it comes to us from Japan. This flavor is grape. As you may know I love grape candy from Japan. To eat this snack you kind of have to work for it. Similar to the cheeseburger kit a few reviews ago, you must first make the snack before eating it. That is what the weird yellow guy is doing there.<br />
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So here you can see the instructions. Sure, that makes sense.<br />
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Here we have all of the components. Mmm. Sure is looking good.<br />
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So first you add a packet of powder and then you add a tiny cup of water to it and that creates what you see here. It looks like detergent. It is glossy and gritty in the tray.<br />
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Next you add a second powder (the picture didn't turn out. sorry.) and in a few stirs the liquid has morphed into this whipped thick marshmallow like consistency. (That is strange.)<br />
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The next logical step is to add sprinkles into the weird guy shape in the tray. Lastly you use your tiny plastic spoon to gather the whipped weirdness and dip it in sprinkles and eat!<br />
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The aroma of this product is similar to classic grape gum like Hubba Bubba. It is sweet and pungent in the best sense of the word. The sprinkles are just crunchy sugar. If their intent is to create a textural interplay between the goop and the crunch then well done. To be honest, I could do without the sprinkles. Here the star is the goop. The texture is almost like Laffy Taffy. Almost like if a marshmallow and a Laffy Taffy had a baby. (A flavor baby? No. Too weird.) It isn't slimy or even wet in your mouth. It is thick and almost creamy. A confusing texture and taste since I just combined two powders and a tiny amount of water. Lets all agree that there is nothing "natural" about this snack. This is most likely straight chemicals.<br />
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The flavor is quite nice once you get past the weird elements at play here. The flavor is a rich grape flavor. Like grape Nehi. I could really see kids loving the strange out of this snack. I give it a 4.5- The other day we passed an Arbys and the drive thru was packed. Think about that. There are people who not only eat at Arbys but DRIVE to it. They don't live next door and haven't gone grocery shopping in awhile. These people left their homes and got into their car and thought "I have the ability to go anywhere in this automobile and eat anything in this entire city of restaurants and amazing chefs and they decided ARBYS. That is weird. You have to admit that is weird.-out of 5.<br />
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Another strange thing is how few amazing friends there are in this world. We have more people on the planet then ever before and yet it seems less of them are "good" people. Should be 50-50 right? I digress, this snack was brought to us from France. Our great friends Caleb and Natasha bought this and flew it back to Portland for this blog. Now that is true awesome friendness. (I know that isn't a word.)<br />
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Lets take a moment just to admire the packaging here. I don't know how well you read french so I will translate "Bonbons or candies with the ass milk." I will give you a moment to let that steep in.<br />
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Ass milk candies. (If that didn't just brighten your day then I can't help you.)<br />
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Awe but look at that cute little ass. Is he salsa dancing? What is with the rose in his mouth? Wait. Is it a he? I don't think we should make candies with his "milk."<br />
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Oh good, it is sugar free! So we know it doesn't have sugar but does have ass milk. Dehydrated none the less. Ah and it says that 1% dried is equal to 15 fresh ass milk. That maybe the grosses math ever accomplished.<br />
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(Don't worry I am getting to what sorbitol is....)<br />
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Awe look, somebody put that cute ass all over my candies! (Never said that before.) It is a cute design though. I forgot to say that the overall old school vibe of this snack's packaging is pretty rad. The paper has a nice weight and texture and the font choices are all very classy for a snack so ass-y. (See what I did there?)<br />
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The smell of this snack is chalk-like. Perhaps sweet chalk. It is very much a pressed tablet of dehydrated milk of ass. (I am sure a lot of extacy dealers wish that their product looked this nice.)<br />
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I opened this while our friends were over and here is everyone's thoughts:<br />
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S- I will pass. I can't even try it because C talked about donkey semen. Can't put it in my mouth. They do get 2 style points for the packaging.<br />
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C- Ugh. This tastes like a god damn medicine. Ass medicine milk chalk. Like if you made a nice high end chalk for kids but made it out of donkey milk. I give it a 1.<br />
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N- (Spits it out after a few moments) Ugh. That is enough of that. I give it a 1.<br />
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d- OH. It is weird! It tastes cold. It also is super chalky. Slightly sweet. I am trying not to think about the donkey nipples while I eat this. I have never thought that before. That was a debut. In my thirties and still new life discoveries. What a world we live in. Ok. This wasn't great. It is like a vanilla necco wafer but thicker and chalky. I give it a 1- Remember when you could by potato chips that had the side effect of anal leakage? Yeah, that made it to shelves. People bought it knowing the risks. This happened. Imagine the possible snack repercussions possible still. The hair is just the tip of grody iceberg.-out of 5.<br />
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(Sorbitol is a medication used as a laxative to treat constipation. Yeah, somebody made a medication for your ass made from an ass. That is like the grossest Venn diagram. Like a snake eating it's own tail only way ickier.)<br />
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Well. This cute cat is a nice distraction from all that ass-talk. (Probably a very popular website.) Ah. Just look at his cute cat face. OH NO! Please tell me that this isn't CAT IN A CAN! If this is a can of kitten parts I am going to throw up. (and maybe poop myself. I did eat 2 ass milk tablets before googling sorbitol.)<br />
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What does this say? I don't speak Japanese! Does that look like kitten meat? I don't see any recognizable parts!<br />
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Well. The can is pretty light for being canned kitten in it's own gravy. The instructions seem a tad excessive. Like someone would see the pull tab and be like "..Nope. I don't get it." I mean it is literally called a pull tab, right?<br />
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Ok. I admit that I am just stalling. (Deep breath...)<br />
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No kitten. Alright. I have to admit that I knew that this wasn't a stewed kitty cat. This product obviously comes from japan. It isn't made of or made for cats. It is bread in a can. Yeah, that isn't weird.<br />
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No wait! That is weird. Bread in a can!!! You know what is weirder? See that silver packet? It isn't just to keep it fresh. When you open the lid it activates that packet which heats up. Yeah, the packet heats up the bread in a can. These aren't random words that I am stringing together Mad Libs style. This is what happened. Truth!<br />
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Sure the heating element doesn't quite work the way it is supposed to. That is, unless it is just supposed to BLOW MY MIND! Which it did.<br />
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The bread is incredibly light. The scent is of cinnamon and maybe a touch of maple. It isn't too sticky or anything.<br />
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Here you can see how light and cloud like the bread is. The flavor was quite pleasant. A little cinnamon and slight sweetness but nothing like any american sweet bread. Similar to that microwave cupcake a few years ago but with a better flavor and no microwaved egg. I know what you are thinking "I bet that has hair in it. Human and cat." Sure, it might. Now that idea is on the table I am going to stop eating it. Thanks.<br />
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I guess this bread in a can snack is popular in Japan. Hence the cute can. I will say that to order it and all it cost me 12 dollars. That is a lot of bread. (For canned bread.) How was the experience? Worth every cent. It was new. It was exciting and in my case I got to experience it with my lovely wife. (Who is so great and supportive of me even if that involves buying a 12 dollar can of bread for a food blog that 4 people read. That is pretty awesome.) Sarah also gives it a 5 out of 5. That is a purr-fect score. (groan) and also 1 style point for the heat pack. (I am still not sure how these style points work...)<br />
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I give this snack a 5- Still don't think the world is a big ball of weird? Google "cat bread in can" That is how people spend their time-out of 5.<br />
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Well, the holidays are over and tomorrow is 2013. This is the last post and I have so very many weird things here to share. Cheers to next year. It is going to get real strange around here. See you next time.<br />
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Oh and watch out. My new years resolution is to either get better at hugs or sneezing on people's necks. One of those two. Haven't decided.dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-3057381264596034192012-12-05T21:46:00.001-08:002012-12-05T21:46:15.695-08:00.FOOrD BLOrG. A simpler thyme. (You change that back!)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Now more than ever people are looking back toward traditions. Back toward older times. Back to simpler aesthetics. Sadly this is mostly to cannibalize for a profit than to honor a specific thing or idea. Sure some new businesses might want to honor an old style but for every honest one there are 400 plus hipsters who look like doctors from the 1800s but the only thing they can operate is a 6 dollar a cup coffee maker at the local coffee roaster. It isn't their fault. Their generation has no aesthetics. Everything is shiny electronics and completely otherwise intangible. There are no apps for that. They must pick the bones of the 80s, 90's, 70's lumberjack chic, etc... This makes them less popular than the any person who joins Etsy trying to sell their jewelry. (There are a lot of people who make jewelry that are nice but there are more that scour what others do and then take their ideas for their own. Total craft cannibals.) Look, we tip a homeless person for a a witty sign or to appease our own guilt so why not throw a hipster a glance that they can ignore and they will in the end feel like all the mustache waxing was worth it.</div>
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The thing is, times change. I don't have anything really against "hipsters" for they are just the current name for a group of people that are trending. I know because I have been mistook for one. Here is how or why I am not one:</div>
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1) I am not nor have I ever been concerned with what anyone thinks of me. Not in a cool way but in a "please nobody ever look at me. I would be perfectly fine hiding at home forever way." </div>
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2) Before this I was called "Metro sexual". It was a dark time but it has passed. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn't change a thing. Nobody but members of Le Tigre should have uni-brows.</div>
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3) Before that I was called "fag" This was fine and all. I am not gay but I am also not a misogynist, sexist, all around jerk, or a homophobe. So I took the hate for not hating. Always did. Always will.</div>
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4) Before that I was "goth" Probably the most accurate label. Not in the full on make up type of way or even belonging to the scene. More along the lines of morbid sense of humor and enjoyment of most things horror. I also like Bauhaus and early Cure etc... Plus black is slimming. (Not for all goths. It is a color not a miracle.)</div>
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5) I have always enjoyed odd hairstyles. Since Aaron and I got into Sun In in the 80s. I then fell in love with post apocalyptic 80s films where men wear shoulder pads but no shirt and have mo hawks and wield weapons that make no sense together. Like a motorcycle with a chainsaw welded on the front and a wrist crossbow. They are and were hilarious. (Most of which were set in years that have passed which makes viewing now even better. As I grew up I could choose and design my hairstyles and I did. I even drew them out first. Now as an adult I can do whatever I want and I will. If that means that I want to look like I just had brain surgery I will. I am not allowing anyone to tell me to "grow up" because that just means get boring. Oh so I grew up so I could have ultimate freedom and then not use it? I think not and no nomadic generation or people hating them is going to stop me. I have resigned to the fact that I will always be in the crossfire of these two groups that I don't belong to. That is cool. I will just be over here putting leather studs on my jacket with one sleeve missing because it snags on my wrist mounted blow gun.</div>
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Why are we both here? Oh yes, candy. Today we are looking at old time snacks. Lets get to it.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXZdSbUr1TR2KqydgJaqQonpiL-4vaDKaiTGzYpcQa1GcWOOmOEGvVw-5kIBPZ5Z4hcLjrh__v7TvLPV8kqaL68T0IEGBIMOx8WFyyh7BWytjYeCsK8vGwvssuPAFm_UTfZCBmkUTZYT77/s1600/oldtime+hard+candy+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXZdSbUr1TR2KqydgJaqQonpiL-4vaDKaiTGzYpcQa1GcWOOmOEGvVw-5kIBPZ5Z4hcLjrh__v7TvLPV8kqaL68T0IEGBIMOx8WFyyh7BWytjYeCsK8vGwvssuPAFm_UTfZCBmkUTZYT77/s320/oldtime+hard+candy+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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First up we have Horehound. Ok, stop giggling. This isn't a slightly more pc version of "b*tch" it is a flavoring that refers to two different flowering herbs. The company that makes this was started in 1919. So this is a legit old time snack. Lets look at the back.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieSXd_L-k8hxyG-bOwQMfJ1IsfN47UbUVJzSuyBggPGwWkwOBeGE2tziN7TU-4TUkVHQDO3NRg4UBoYgWPh93Jtoym95IrsmxCOGX19z_jD_IplD6kf1G0MTcxJtzTYiLY8A4NAOz5vQ0W/s1600/oldtime+hard+candy+back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieSXd_L-k8hxyG-bOwQMfJ1IsfN47UbUVJzSuyBggPGwWkwOBeGE2tziN7TU-4TUkVHQDO3NRg4UBoYgWPh93Jtoym95IrsmxCOGX19z_jD_IplD6kf1G0MTcxJtzTYiLY8A4NAOz5vQ0W/s320/oldtime+hard+candy+back.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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See. Back in the day, one couldn't afford entertainment and food. You had to choose. Until this snack which combined a long yarn on the back with a bag of sugared whimsy. (None of that is true. Sometimes I make stuff up and then rather than do research I just choose to believe it. Saves time.) This story of Claeys Old Time Candies was so popular that the bag out sold the Bible and was often read to crowds in speak-easys until such people were deemed heretics and burned alive. Ironically in fires started by horehound. (Ok, none of that is true but it is so much more interesting than this bag.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibHMmdwp29oVz-Zu8wb50xnhtAIhQMjdkAPpBU6_EVdEmmD1B0e8Kt9qimC8Xv7HP0CkPeweQFhG5DQ7WLpg9YaCODIuWRx4ac0dZ3jpzCgQnSAtGYcA4f-NlZW43F6Egc9zQRgmGCAOQp/s1600/oldtime+hard+candy+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibHMmdwp29oVz-Zu8wb50xnhtAIhQMjdkAPpBU6_EVdEmmD1B0e8Kt9qimC8Xv7HP0CkPeweQFhG5DQ7WLpg9YaCODIuWRx4ac0dZ3jpzCgQnSAtGYcA4f-NlZW43F6Egc9zQRgmGCAOQp/s320/oldtime+hard+candy+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Well here it is. Yeah. That is the deal with old time candy. I can say one and you can picture it. Previous to this moment I hadn't heard of Horehound but if you tell me it is an old time candy-got it. Root Beer Barrel- yep got it. Butterscotch-no problem. Nobody is ever like "Ribbon candy? Why does it look like a ribbon? Huh, didn't anticipate that." They are a predictable lot.<br />
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How does it taste?<br />
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Well, first of all it smells like corn syrup. That is all. no herbal anything. Upon tasting it. I just mostly get that hard candy blandness. For all I know, that is some of the appeal here. As to not be to aggressive on the taste buds. One shouldn't over excite ones mouth for the mouth is a direct gateway to one's loins. (What?) I am not going to beat around the bush here. This tastes only like corn syrup. I am not exaggerating. It tastes solely like corn syrup. This is like the personification of anticipating a candy having flavor. Like it is the base for something that was forgotten. Perhaps the most perfect description for an old time candy. Sadly though I give this snack a 1- Easter pink polyester pant suit-out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBGrUQbHp6oWUV7Owb_jQW3DCpEhwqFovWsTF5NJi0APT8LGXXFoEIFD93ZZKQDN1_CHocrtxrRgDtHNRUQxcae5glqANY0nftjLonDCu9W-K9LkXkgsp0q_rydhSGN9gU8nbmlsvLBNlO/s1600/old+time+stick.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBGrUQbHp6oWUV7Owb_jQW3DCpEhwqFovWsTF5NJi0APT8LGXXFoEIFD93ZZKQDN1_CHocrtxrRgDtHNRUQxcae5glqANY0nftjLonDCu9W-K9LkXkgsp0q_rydhSGN9gU8nbmlsvLBNlO/s320/old+time+stick.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Horehound Stick Candy? What did we go even further back in time? Stick Candy has to be the least pleasant style of candy. You can even tell when you give a child a stick candy that there is a moment where the kid is like "Seriously. For reals? This is what you give me? You saw me eat a strawberry. That thing was the size of a quarter and I mashed it everywhere. My mom will find some in my ear. This thing I will drool down the sides. It will run into my arm pits. I will set it down on my pants. Yeah, you heard me. I will put it down on the carpet and then eat the dog hair covered stick candy. This is a terrible idea." Stick candy is almost always a terrible flavor. Green apple? Not likely. Even if you call it that I know it will taste like a salt water taffy. Yeah, and when can we all agree that no matter what flavor you say a salt water taffy is going to be that it just tastes like 2 mouthfuls of sugar and a hint of a vague flavor. You can try 40 different flavors and other than peppermint I cant tell them apart. Over it. You should be too.<br />
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How does it taste? (sigh) Well it has a very similar corn syrup flavor. Alas this stick candy has more to offer. Bitterness. Oh man this thing is bitter. Ugh. You know how blood tastes metallic? This tastes like robot blood. So I guess Horehound tastes like robot blood with a hint of regret. A big fat lingering hint of regret. An all consuming hint. It isn't a hint. It is its entirety. I don't like this at all so I give this snack a 0- <a href="http://www.bling4canes.com/">http://www.bling4canes.com/</a> -out of 5. (How could they be taking a break?)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwW-4b57YbnPN5D1-lS8TS4kAzPYE1mutwbPFjEuEIBFC4VR9F23B503yHBKJrdbEXxykB1EZzfmmnywQw6cMG7sDMDxWCBEbNc3LFtYfXd0nPkKvOS-69Z3TrilI9DWyz28_zRBhX3sNM/s1600/oldtime+nutmeg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwW-4b57YbnPN5D1-lS8TS4kAzPYE1mutwbPFjEuEIBFC4VR9F23B503yHBKJrdbEXxykB1EZzfmmnywQw6cMG7sDMDxWCBEbNc3LFtYfXd0nPkKvOS-69Z3TrilI9DWyz28_zRBhX3sNM/s320/oldtime+nutmeg.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Well, here we have a sucker but it is nutmeg creme flavored. This is a mash up of new flavors and old school candy making. Smells like hipster but I can't remember where Sarah got this for me so I can't say. I will say that I have put this off for awhile. It is old. When I ate it I could tell. It smelled like a caramel and it disintegrated into grittiness quickly after putting it in my mouth. I can only blame myself for not eating it 6 months to a year earlier. What can I say I had more interesting snacks to eat. It never fit into any posts. Alright, I admit it. I haven't been excited about this post and that is why it took me a month to make myself do this. Fine. I am ashamed and I apologize. How does this sucker taste? Like a caramel with a hint of nutmeg. Yeah. Pretty spot on with the name and all. The only bad part is the texture and I am not going to say it is the anonymous candy makers fault but because I don't know I can't say if it is great or not. I will put it this way, I don't enjoy it. It is too creamy for me. This is also what it was going for though. So I will give this mystery snack a 3-are there gold dentures?-out of 5.<br />
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Yep. <a href="http://www.starlightmfginc.com/">http://www.starlightmfginc.com/</a> You can also get a big C for Christ. I mean, that is what jesus would do, right?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaBXGySnxT6As0O5KGxcL3ZbpkuW4XprTzhsFPKsMY7dR5nDnJhqs67_jno6ata2zye57_lG9M7Px_Y5cGJIwHxXH2mf5af0DA3NPtVIhQPfi52Kx4mwMHaM_sjzBkXADO3yoGXK1vKZmc/s1600/oldtime+mystery.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaBXGySnxT6As0O5KGxcL3ZbpkuW4XprTzhsFPKsMY7dR5nDnJhqs67_jno6ata2zye57_lG9M7Px_Y5cGJIwHxXH2mf5af0DA3NPtVIhQPfi52Kx4mwMHaM_sjzBkXADO3yoGXK1vKZmc/s320/oldtime+mystery.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Here we are with the last snack from this post. I have no idea what this is called. Should I look it up? I mean, probably but I am not going to. We got it at Luce which is one our favorite restaurants in Portland. I did try to look up what it is called but I can't even tell you what google image search brought up from the key words "a man, a woman, a dyke, and a basket." Yeah, I know. I was imagining that this is Holland and there is a dyke nearby. How is it? Like a foreign version of that disappointment sucker from Sees Candy. A tad easier on the teeth and maybe made from sheep. If that floats your barge than by all means pick one up. For me, I'd rather have a Blow Pop. (Which is a great name for a sucker with gum inside and a terrible name for a soda.) I give this sucker a 3- lap blanket..that is all I fear about age. Requesting and finding joy in a lap blanket.-out of 5.<br />
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Alright, so as i said, I put this off for a month. The whole point of this blog is to enjoy snacks from around the world and write about it as an exercise. This is something I do for fun. I guess sometimes the "fun" is the challenge. I just wasn't that excited about these snacks and luckily they weren't all very good. The next 6 posts are full of strangeness though. So I hope to see you again here next Wednesday.<br />
Take care.dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-71865271260929228862012-11-01T22:27:00.004-07:002012-11-01T22:28:11.018-07:00.FOOrD BLOrG. Chews Life. Be the gummy.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
So I was thinking about chewy candies and it dawned on me that "chewy" might be a better way to live than "hard." I am talking lifestyle. Candy metaphor lifestyle. Now I am not saying that one shouldn't have morals or ideals or stand for something. Sure, we should all do that. I am saying that perhaps there are ways that we all could be a tad less rigid. What I am saying is be open.</div>
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If you think about it, when you first chomp down on a gummy there is a sort of remix that happens. Your teeth might not break all the way thru and just the shape of the gummy changes a bit. Now it might even regain it's shape at that point. If this had been a hard candy it would break or splinter. You don't have to break. A bit of a stretch maybe but hear me out.</div>
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See, last year I told my wife that I was going to have a year of yes. Whenever she asked if I wanted to do something my answer would always be "yes" even if I didn't really want to go downtown or whatever it was. Why would I decide to do that? I did it because I had become perfectly happy in my home with the blinds drawn in my controlled environment. I needed to test myself. I needed to be open. So my awesome wife was the integral part of the equation because it wasn't up to me what I was going to or not experience. Well now we are coming up to the new year again and what do you think happened?</div>
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Nothing except a years worth of fun memories and experiences that I wouldn't have had otherwise with the person I care about the most. To be honest, I wish I had decided to do year of yes from day one. Every moment, no matter how small, you can spend with the person you care about and an inside joke or a moment of endearment can happen at anytime.</div>
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My point isn't in absolution it is an open evolution. I don't regret it. Not even things that I didn't maybe enjoy much but to be honest I can't name one of those but I can name several really fun memories that I might have previously missed. All I am saying and all this funny little blog is saying is "Try new things. Please be open to great and even bad experiences." That is life. You can't do the whole live and learn thing if you stick to what you already know and never leave your little box. </div>
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Ok. I am done. Let us eat the chewy candies!</div>
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Well hey there cuteness! (Um, I was talking to the panda.) Here we have SUPPANDA!! A strange little candy hailing from Tokyo. First impressions, either this is sour or that panda's mouth is down south and what is supposed to be down there is on it's face. You get what I am saying? You know, like: <br />
()*(). Well, that doesn't look right. Never mind lets just move on to the back.<br />
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Much better. So here we see the panda still has a b*tthole for a mouth and it's armpit is proclaiming something about a pineapple. That explains...um..a lot.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjby0K_SYM9pxBb50vKhGz60jxCp8y0o6jQvbmgNejS3S9UZMogr1j4qpYgRONzICAVNlUEUzO69TmJVCE1p5z0z3KrZCZTzfWWiCD3yZfL6-asDQJhP4L51htjVWoDndfopMbYAPuJ8J5Z/s1600/chewy+suppanda+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjby0K_SYM9pxBb50vKhGz60jxCp8y0o6jQvbmgNejS3S9UZMogr1j4qpYgRONzICAVNlUEUzO69TmJVCE1p5z0z3KrZCZTzfWWiCD3yZfL6-asDQJhP4L51htjVWoDndfopMbYAPuJ8J5Z/s320/chewy+suppanda+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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So it looks pretty sour. It smells slightly of either powder lemon and pineapple. At this point we have pineapple and Tokyo going in this snacks favor. I am pretty excited about trying it.<br />
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S- Well, the panda's mouth looks like a butth*le. So minus one style point for making me picture a panda butt. Mmm. It tastes good. Is there goo in the middle? I like it. I don't normally like the goo. I give it a 4-out of 5.<br />
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d- I like the texture. It has some resistance. Like a kinda ballsy jelly bean but not grainy. Like a high quality Spree. Is that the one? The goo is good. A little tart but not sour really. A nice pineapple flavor. I give this snack a 4-I don't like crowds but I can survive them by preparing myself before hand-out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3H6A81BsZ4EsG0yBa5Ep3XcfzrmiDhrLwTzAAVWRqsnTnCV1E8SzAZBCtSynhTqjRKzq-O_wEkHzJOAmjLfamFMLLzloWrAT1WGJdGGEab8TLdlrAC1wJpD6DjTzgqctLcT6Clx3kS4vx/s1600/chewy+meiji+cola+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3H6A81BsZ4EsG0yBa5Ep3XcfzrmiDhrLwTzAAVWRqsnTnCV1E8SzAZBCtSynhTqjRKzq-O_wEkHzJOAmjLfamFMLLzloWrAT1WGJdGGEab8TLdlrAC1wJpD6DjTzgqctLcT6Clx3kS4vx/s320/chewy+meiji+cola+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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In my humble opinion. You cannot go wrong with a cola flavored gummy from Japan. You can't. Anytime I try one I feel like a super mega winner. So here, that is exactly what we have. My mouth is watering. Obviously the front tells me nothing since I can't read Japanese. I think it says " Hey dirk! Buy these because they are soooooo delicious! Speaking of Dell. Remember that "shoulda got a dell" commercial. Whatever happened to that kid? Kids was a movie. Who wrote that one " I like to move it. Move it" song and why isn't that in commercials for U-Haul? You sure are good looking dirk. Have you been working out? Why yes, self. I have"<br />
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Anyway, here we can see the back. Which clearly states....a lot of stuff. Pretty much all I know is that this candy is cola flavored and it has 2900 somethings worth of collagen. Is that a lot and why is it there? What is collagen?<br />
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I am not going to explain that to you. Me not got great thinking meats. So here is a link:<br />
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<a href="http://health.howstuffworks.com/skin-care/beauty/anti-aging/eating-collagen1.htm">http://health.howstuffworks.com/skin-care/beauty/anti-aging/eating-collagen1.htm</a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjelXlzBtgG8JRQrliC5CYrSQTZ1D4BYs9g6t8nmvpGDeo7uJ7Nk9f9rvz9zsxDbkyEh7rsu_e1g6ijwWNOWrl0H4qL05X-p5vMjRBtX_78WhcthWUYdq169y2tZK5jKIxW5WSdmIRCnKsA/s1600/chewy+meiji+cola+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjelXlzBtgG8JRQrliC5CYrSQTZ1D4BYs9g6t8nmvpGDeo7uJ7Nk9f9rvz9zsxDbkyEh7rsu_e1g6ijwWNOWrl0H4qL05X-p5vMjRBtX_78WhcthWUYdq169y2tZK5jKIxW5WSdmIRCnKsA/s320/chewy+meiji+cola+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Look at that little one. It is lightly dusted in a fine tart powder. Just opening the bag and I could smell awesome cola smell. Look, I don't drink soda. I don't drink any ever. (Unless it is for this blog.) That being said I love cola candy. I know. I don't understand it either.<br />
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S-I like it. It has a nice texture. More body than the average gummy. Really good flavor. Minus one style point for looking like licorice. This could be like the Nicorette for soda drinkers. They could chew a piece of candy instead of drinking a gallon of soda. 5-out of 5.<br />
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d-Totally. I agree with every thing that you just (eats second piece) said. It has a nice chew and the flavor is really full but not too big. A nice tartness. If you like Haribo's sour cola bottles than this is like the high end of that. I give this snack a 5-Always look around you. There are funny little small things happening everywhere. It is amazing what the normal world finds normal.-out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdMbHkQuFRWuyS3Gsh_OL69j3RFgvtyI5thRIAzfv-HAUvbB5Kmp1RWLAhuzNef0WmwMAgV1rPghS79DMug4bt-52LW3a54C1Buyl0fu0eF3wwNEJ4EBiYwzkQtLMpD_KfZGiao8wgkZ53/s1600/chewy+pineapple+meiji+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdMbHkQuFRWuyS3Gsh_OL69j3RFgvtyI5thRIAzfv-HAUvbB5Kmp1RWLAhuzNef0WmwMAgV1rPghS79DMug4bt-52LW3a54C1Buyl0fu0eF3wwNEJ4EBiYwzkQtLMpD_KfZGiao8wgkZ53/s320/chewy+pineapple+meiji+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Oh what? Dueling Japanese pineapple gummies? What did I win the mouth lottery? (That sounds like something one would lose in prison.) Once again I have no idea what any of that says and you know what my guesses are like. (Not entirely accurate.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd3aeYzdwAOymUfCo42zkN194Z60hUfV-6TkCgQIZEVeTEEuRzvWVgFuHS7mU3LEZIdbDvHiWpI-C1H3mEX1PDcWCdNdLt2ODgbTIIwYu-k8jO5YSbCJFXj-gduOZkUYxQETZTb3jgvnKU/s1600/chewy+pineapple+meiji+back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd3aeYzdwAOymUfCo42zkN194Z60hUfV-6TkCgQIZEVeTEEuRzvWVgFuHS7mU3LEZIdbDvHiWpI-C1H3mEX1PDcWCdNdLt2ODgbTIIwYu-k8jO5YSbCJFXj-gduOZkUYxQETZTb3jgvnKU/s320/chewy+pineapple+meiji+back.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Whoa. Am I not the best photographer ever? Good lord I am terrible at taking pictures. This doesn't even show the collagen count. Yes this one features collagen as well. Mmmm. Animal proteins and stuff or things... It sure looks pretty on the packaging. Let's open it up!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkWU3-HjMeCIh_-6FtD9lSF5Vma3IId0W4XUkkHU87npNrvbM9Vv4bJ4ikUMFRxUALO5rCaohJRvAoGZysWSHsCHVbZSpcYRffZtkPGcjMQ9tHo9zWzreCXsA-OlSReO0LV5F2WFRHG2ib/s1600/chewy+pineapple+meiji+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkWU3-HjMeCIh_-6FtD9lSF5Vma3IId0W4XUkkHU87npNrvbM9Vv4bJ4ikUMFRxUALO5rCaohJRvAoGZysWSHsCHVbZSpcYRffZtkPGcjMQ9tHo9zWzreCXsA-OlSReO0LV5F2WFRHG2ib/s320/chewy+pineapple+meiji+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Wait. What the f*ck is this? Where did the pretty shinny pineapple from the packaging go? This sure isn't it. This looks like a gummy from the dollar store. Luckily it smells of pineapple. Let's see how it tastes.<br />
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S-Uh. This tastes like canned pineapple. Why would anyone want to make a candy taste like canned pineapple. Minus one style point for looking so cloudy. The color is a real turn off. 3-outof 5.<br />
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d-It is ok but it does taste like canned pineapple. Who is the person that is like" Man, I LOVE canned pineapple. I just wish it was somehow more portable. I mean, than this can." It isn't terrible. It smells right. I give it a 3-I pretty much now know that anything "confit" is not for me but I had to try from beef cheek confit to duck confit to figure that out-of 5.<br />
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Ok so here we have a candy that is flavored......like......Um. Let's just get one thing out of the way. The thing at waist level on the melon man there.<br />
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That melon headed dude is sporting a full on erection. I believe this is a candy for kids. I mean, I have heard about being a fan of yourself but really! I mean, he is a melon man who is drinking a soda that tastes like him. And he is REALLY is into that. <br />
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Imagine tasting a soda that is flavored just like you. If you didn't almost vomit just now than you aren't applying your imagination. I mean, that isn't my thing but I have been in gas stations far from civilization where I have seen men who have wondered "Why t'aint thar human soders?" U no. Like a Marly soder, a Jethro soder, a Billy Bob soder... Taste like a juicy skin suit! Yee haw! Ma sister is ma wife." (Too much?) My point is that I am all for being open but maybe not that open.<br />
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(Why would anyone think that they should put a package on packaging for kids? right?)<br />
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Alright. So here we have a melon soda caramel. We have had a red wine caramel and a few others so lets just dive in.<br />
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S- Ugh. This tastes exactly like a banana runt. Exactly. (Spits it out.) -1 style point for the BS wax paper wrapping. 0-out of 5.<br />
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d- At first I am getting wax notes. Like a candle. Then the essence of cheap bubble gum. That is probably the soda flavor. After that follows hints of regret and banana flavor. This is gross and not at all like melon. Now I have never had melon soda but if this is what it tastes like I will pass. This snack gets a 1-The people that go to a day spa are very different than we are but in some way making them uncomfortable is even more satisfying than a seaweed massage-out of 5.<br />
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So ends another chewy episode of FOASP. Thanks for taking the time to read. Thanks to my wife for trying all of these snacks with me and for all of the year of yes experiences.<br />
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Lastly I'd like to share that a chef friend of ours started a 30 minutes for 30 days exercise challenge and we are a tad over a week in. The reason I mention this is because we are not big exercise people but here is what we have learned this far: 30 minutes is not a lot of time. It is very approachable. After 30 minutes of exercise a few days you really do feel different. It doesn't take much. In the time I would surf a few websites we have made a minute change to how we live and feel better. Also doing the exercises together is far more fun than alone. Lastly any exercise with any allusion to "buns" in the title is an exercise worth doing. Especially "Bollywood Booty 2."<br />
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Till next week. Keep your head up and out of any sodas.dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-59305336695268260342012-10-18T21:39:00.002-07:002012-10-18T21:39:13.009-07:00.FOOrD BLOrG. Don't fear the Chocolatier.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
October is one of my truly favorite months. I love the fall and I love the onslaught of horror films everywhere. Ever since I was little (but not too little) I have enjoyed creature features and other scary tales. As we all know, one of the things that make a really effective spooky film is that it taps into a specific fear.You know, like nuclear fallout turning people into zombies or wanting to be like the people on Keeping up with the Kardashians turning people into zombies or zombies turing people into zombies.....or well, just zombies. </div>
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There are some scenes in films that shock and disgust us. Scenes that we instantly put ourselves in the "What would that feel like? AHHHHH!" situation. For instance the ankle scene in Pet Sematary or the entire last quarter of the film Audition. (shudder.) However horrific a scene is though, if we can't imagine it being real or edit ourselves into the scene than it isn't going to work. That being said, allow me to regale you with a very true scene from my life just a few days ago...</div>
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Four months ago I has a minor odd feeling in my right ear. It didn't hurt but it felt like a mild pressure. (Are you nervous where this is going yet?) After much deliberation I made an appointment to see a doctor. Long story short, he knew nothing of what it was and could see no visible problem. He prescribed me drops for both ears and sent me on my way. The drops were a real treat and after a week of my loving wife putting drops in my ears for me nothing changed for the better. So I returned again and this time the doctor (different one) prescribed me antibiotics which as we all know come with their own horrors. So for ten days I took my punishment and it helped me with nothing but perhaps drop a few pounds. I returned again and this time the doctor referred me to a specialist. (*Cue The Dead Milkmen song "Take me to the Specialist")</div>
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This problem had lingered for months now in varying stages of displeasure. Sometimes I wanted to bang my head into the desk in an effort to alleviate pressure or simply scream at the top of my lungs for some kind of release. After a while I had become accustomed to the situation but I still didn't want to go deaf if that was a side effect to whatever was happening in my ear. Prior to the specialist I had to have a hearing test. Now this is the part of the film where the main character sits in a strange room with someone on the other side of a tinted window. The unseen person makes bleep sounds and I would press a clicker when I would hear it. Then the person would say words and ask that I would repeat them as their voice would become quieter and quieter. In my cold padded room I'd hear a voice "Bedroom" and I'd say "Bedroom." The a quieter voice "Cowboy" and again I would repeat "Cowboy" until I would hear nothing and be left to wonder what had become of said bedroom cowboy. I had tested above average all across the board and was sent to another area to wait.</div>
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Once admitted into the room I sat for a moment before in walked a beast of a woman. She had a wide face that was devoid of expression and stringy hair like that girl who crawled out of the t.v. in The Ring (The original not the bs remake.) She dragged her legs across the floor like she was a zombie and her voice was monotone at best. Now I'd just like to pause and say that in a patient care situation "care" is an important word and an even more appreciated feeling to have when something is wrong with you. This lady was giving up none of that. She turned my chair and and asked what was the problem. So I told her the whole ordeal which she took in without blinking or moving a muscle at all. This lady was really freaking me out now. She shined a light into my ear and reached over for a long metal stick about 4 inches in length. "What is that even here for?" I thought. "Don't look at her....Don't look at anything she picks up. She is rummaging around for things to stick into your ear!"</div>
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It was at this point I decided to look forward. That would be a good point to focus on and then all I have to do is go to my happy place and wait for this to all be over. A great plan. Except for one thing. As she pressed my head into my left shoulder I realized that she had turned my chair so that I was facing myself. I had nowhere else to look as she placed a small metal cone on my ear and lifted the small metal rod and slid it along the cone and slowly into my ear. (Do you understand what I am saying? I have the pristine image of somebody slowly lowering a surgical implement into the confines of my head. That is so f*cked up. Nobody should have that.) What happened? It hurt and I shook and somehow made my squished-into-my-neck face look even more worse. She was displeased. She told me not to move or I might get hurt. Yes those are her words. The same words a kidnapper uses or a bank robber. I thought, "This has to be the first time she has done this on a living person." She tried again by squishing my face further into my neck. My eyes filled with fear as she again lowered a different but still metal pick into my skull. Same results. She huffed like Dahmer probably did after ever failed lobotomy. By this point I figured that this is either a hidden camera show with really good lawyers or that she is an escaped patient from a torture institution. (They still have those right? That is where toothbrushes are made of sand paper and their t.v.s only show those "real housewife" shows.)</div>
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So the "dr?" calls for the nurse and then drips fluid in my ear and tells me to "sit still and wait." The nurse walks in and the "dr" says "I need to put something in his ear to numb it because he is so jumpy." I didn't have a problem with this at first. Until she said "An eye dropper OR a syringe." PROBLEM. I can't explain nor should I have to how much I am on team eye dropper in any situation where the two option of what will be put into my ear canal is A. eyedropper or B. A SYRINGE!!! (Now let's just take a moment and acknowledge that this lady doesn't seem to know her way around this room. Anybody else concerned by this? I was.) Nonetheless, what did they go with? Syringe. (FMLx1000) </div>
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The nurse then leaves after doing nothing but silently agreeing that the dr.'s crazy idea is a good one and she leaves the door open. So now the lady presses my already squished face into my shoulder. My eyes dart from the mirror, where I can see her filling the syringe, to the open door as people are passing and NOT HELPING. Then I see what will forever be my horror moment. I literally see this person slowly lowering a dripping syringe into my ear canal. Like she is flying a spoonful of food into a babies mouth. You know what? If she had made a crazy airplane noise that would have somehow made it better. Listen to my words: I have fleeting images of seeing a syringe be inserted into where my eardrum is. If that doesn't creep you out. Then you aren't human. </div>
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(What happened? She then dug around with a tool in my numbed ear and removed some debris that she said was the problem. The problem was caused by the ear drops from the first dr. I know. FML.)</div>
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Now lets talk chocolate!!!!</div>
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I know that in the past I haven't given chocolate the highest of praise. So this time I have a team of friends who will weigh in on each snack! Welcome to the fold: Tara, Kurt, Beverly and returning awesome wife Sarah.</div>
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Well first up we have Magic Fingers. I believe we purchased this at a russian grocery but judging by the title you might think it came from an adult store.You know, the kind where nobody dresses like that chef guy on the packaging. (Maybe one guy but rest assured he has no magic fingers. The only thing he has on his hands is too much time and calluses. You know, from baking...)<br />
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Well it appears to just be a biscuit-like Twix kind of deal. Lets see the breakdown:<br />
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S- I don't like it. 0-out of-5 I like the gold wrapper for each MF but the outside wrapper is crap so no style points. (*Side note: She literally just started giving out style points. This has never been a part of the judging so let's all welcome STYLE POINTS!)<br />
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T- It is a little bland. 1.5-out of-5 because it isn't horrible. Nothing to turn to for a treat of quality in either biscuit or chocolate.<br />
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K- It is kinda like a Whopper and kind of like not eating anything. Not bad. 2-out of-5<br />
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B-This is stupid. It isn't gross but who cares. At least try to wrap it nicely. It looks like it has been previously unwrapped. 1-out of 5.<br />
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D- This is cheap and the biscuit part is powdery. The chocolate is super cheap and has more in common with candle wax. Cheap candle wax. I give this a 1-If you hated the ankle scene in Pet Symatary than you should watch Sympathy for Mr. Vengence-out of 5.<br />
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So there are literally hundreds of chocolate companies in Portland it seems. We hadn't seen this one before so we bought two different kinds from The Meadow in North Portland or maybe New Seasons somewhere....You know what? Doesn't matter. What does matter is that the buzz words on the cute little packaging matches with the flavors inside.<br />
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Here we can see all of the special ingredients. Yep. Ok everything seems to be in order here. This seems to be looking good.<br />
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So I screwed up and didn't take a picture before I cut it up but I did with the next one. Don't worry.<br />
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S-Tastes like chocolate. That is it. My throat is a little burning but that is probably from the habanero sauce at dinner. I give it a 1and a half-outof 5 Also 3 style points for the packaging. (*we still don't know how many possible style pints there are so maybe that isn't even good.)<br />
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T- I just taste chocolate. Wait, there was a small chunk of something in it. No nothing. 2.5-out of 5. It is ok but really nothing special.<br />
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K-SAME. I agree with everything that is being said.<br />
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Bev-This is just dark chocolate. Bummer. NBD. I guess if you hit those ingredients really hard though it maybe gross. I give it a 4-out of 5.<br />
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d- I get dark chocolate. No ginger or anything promised on the front. This doesn't seem balanced or impressive. Disappointing. 2-The most intense french horror film is titled INSIDE and it will murder your brain-out of 5.<br />
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Well, after that warm response who wouldn't want to try another one? Show of hands? (You can't see this but it is all hands in here.) I selected this one because it has hazelnuts and fernet. Sarah loves both of those things. So I thought that this was really going to be something special. Maybe it might become her new favorite thing. Only time and mouths will tell. (That sounded weird.)<br />
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So here we can see more fantastical blah blah blah. Chocolates do this SO much. It is like a book on the back. In fact I expect sometime to pick up a book and turn it over only to find out that it is a chocolate and all the literature is just their food mission statement. Look if you need a paragraph to win over a consumer maybe focus more on what your product is and make it approachable and less like you are so smart and unique. Just an idea. Your whimsical hoopla just makes you seems like a stuffy a-hole. (Not exclusively this snack just most high end chocolates. I just want the snack. I already have a library card if i need anything else. Thanks.)</div>
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So here you can see how pretty it looks in it's little plastic sleeve. Let's just move on to what the team thought.<br />
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S-This one is a bit waxy. It seems lighter than the last one. They get a 1-out of 5 for no Fernet. Ugh. So disappointed. However I like the packaging. I like that each flavor has a different colored wax seal. So 5 style points. (That is the most style points since the style points have been added.)<br />
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T-I like this chocolate better. 2-out of 5. (She must have said more but that is literally all I wrote down.<br />
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K-I like this one much better. Smooth chocolate. Not too flavory. 3-out of 5.<br />
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B-Bummer again. There is nothing to it. I might taste fernet but it might be psychosymatic. It tastes like fernet farted. 4-out of 5. Good chocolate. (Swear to god that is what I wrote down. In that order. That is what she said. The weirdest highest rating for that snack.)<br />
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d-Eh.... Where do you start with something that gives you so little to remark on. This is like being a kid on that last day of school and the other kid that you like offers to sign your yearbook and you are so excited to see what it says. You get your book and open it and notice that they wrote "stay cool this summer" which would be exciting if Joey and Heath and Karl hadn't also written the exact same thing. Unremarkable. 2-The spanish film [REC] should be the only found footage film. Period.-out of 5.<br />
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This was a gift I received for my birthday from our good pals Caleb and Natasha. Now I have had many chocolate snacks and many bacon snacks. Bacon donuts, bacon beer, bacon water, bacon gum etc....... I have had one chocolate bacon before and it wasn't my favorite thing ever. However that didn't make it to the blog as it was on vacation. Here is a close up of the actual product.<br />
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S- I am giving it a zero for just being here. Negative style points.<br />
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T-Uh. It tastes stale. I am really not into the bacon. Ugh. 0-I am finding it...hard to swallow..gross.<br />
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B-No problem. It is kinda interesting. Home made would be way better than sitting on a shelf. I am not upset about it. 3. NBD.<br />
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K-This is disgusting. Is this real bacon? This can't be real. Ugh. 0-out of 5.<br />
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d-This smells like if a shoe had a basement where bad things happened. This is like the worst of two worlds. I feel like the oily fat from the bacon has leeched into the chocolate. The texture is a waxy fatty affair. Nobody wants that. Why would somebody want to share this with people? 0-The Innkeepers is one of the best old style ghost stories of the last decade-out of 5.<br />
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B -{round 2} I get more bacon. Ugh. It is way worse this time. That three is fading fast. Ultimately resting at 1-out of 5.<br />
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So there you have it. Yet another chocolate chapter closed. As always I encourage you to try these or any of the other snacks on this blog and find out if it is delicious or not. I am always surprised at what people like that I don't and vice versa. See you next time. Happy Halloween.<br />
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Yes I realized it is odd to put a terrifying ear experience before a food blog.<br />
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('*side note: Once the lady removed the dried chemical from the drops and the experience was over I felt like she was the best person in the world. That being said, she had just dumped a bunch of numbing things into my brains.)dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-74189171756991185332012-10-04T22:23:00.002-07:002012-10-04T22:24:40.751-07:00.FOOrD BLOrG. Weird convenience Well, hello there. I guess if we are both here it means that it is time for another season of FOASP. (Fear of a Snack Planet)....Or would it be FSP. Hmmm... Either way, it is nice to see you. First of all let me just say that the break since the last post was not due to a snack shortage. Rest assured, the back stock for this blog is bloated with things from around this floating rock we call home. Back in June I went on break from my day job and was helping my wife and her hot sauce business do farmers markets etc... This quickly became more encompassing than anticipated. For 3 months we had very little down time. This brought to mind how the old model of television will create a certain number of episodes and then take a break. So taking that blueprint, I have scheduled this season of FOASP/FSP with a few open bonus episodes for the oddity unexpectedly encountered. Otherwise every post is packed with some of the most original and possibly awful snacks we could find. I really hope that you enjoy it and come back every week.<br />
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Nuff said.<br />
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This summer was so busy that my wife and I were literally making sauce until 3-3:30 am and getting up to market at 6-7 am then napping between 3-5pm and back at the sauce. This left little time to eat. We found that the best mode for sustenance was small snacks. (Especially, since in the framework of exhaustion, you can't tell if you are tired, hungry, awake, nauseous, etc..) There is a lot to be said about how quickly we need food sometimes. Like despite some form of planning, we have to eat right then and there. Whatever we can get our grubby little mits on. (P.s. Wash your mits.)<br />
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So today our three snacks are focussed on one thing: Convenience.<br />
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First up we have POWER BEEF! Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. Those dreary dog days of dragging your heels over to a meat sack and just wasting SO many minutes chewing jerky BEFORE having an energy drink are over. Finally somebody has answered our prayers and combined the two and in doing so has saved us valuable.......seconds? Minutes? Anything? Okay, let us address the elephant (made of POWER BEEF) in the room. This is a weird idea. I am not judging and saying it is a bad idea but you can't deny that it is weird. You also can't deny that by calling it POWER BEEF with a lightning bolt behind that and stating "Get your move on!" that this might make you poop your pants.<br />
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Alright. We get it. I found the back paragraph so extreme that I wanted to try it more than words. (Eh? See what I did there?....(sigh)) Seriously? "..slam a bag of POWER BEEF"? Don't get me wrong, I love a good beef bag slamming as much as the next person but this whole Guarana flavored meat snack just has me worried a tad. For instance, is that "flavored with.." portion of the bag a sticker? Is that a good sign? Was this some sort of rush snack job? This is 2012 maybe the limelight belongs to POWER BEEF.?. (If you get that last sentence than either you listen to way to much Rush or you are my high school drama teacher...Or both.) What was under the mysterious sticker? I had to know. So I peeled and scraped it off and under "FLAVORED WITH GUARANA" was "This product contains Guarana seed and Green Tea extracts scientifically designed to boost your energy level." I am dead serious. That is what it said. I suppose the figured that the person buying anything called POWER BEEF (in all caps) would not take kindly to word wizadry messing with their minds. Plus clapping out the syllables to "scientifically" could really burn all that energy received by slamming that beef bag in the first place.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVqWdIAhiiXtX5aSLW_t0NNBB_8QpsZU6Vu94hz49MPPcoS8VgGIQXG4aSs1qOL1XQCdOP8-u7Rd3npyUsB80gn1diGaEjC9euPhxH8oxhaRuT1tbWaRAs30CbIHRmXkRlNcJdyV4v0im4/s1600/powerbeef+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVqWdIAhiiXtX5aSLW_t0NNBB_8QpsZU6Vu94hz49MPPcoS8VgGIQXG4aSs1qOL1XQCdOP8-u7Rd3npyUsB80gn1diGaEjC9euPhxH8oxhaRuT1tbWaRAs30CbIHRmXkRlNcJdyV4v0im4/s320/powerbeef+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Well, there it is. It doesn't look too powerful. It sort of looks like ordinary unpowered beef. I thought it might smell like an energy drink. Maybe that is next RED BULL BEEF or MONSTER MEAT. Uh, no thanks. I don't want either of those. Although just imagine making your thanksgiving gravy with a 5 hour energy drink. You'd beat that post dinner slump and the dishes would get done lickity split. (That is a gross saying.) (Also I do not endorse POWER GRAVY in any way. I am sure there are health risks and maybe a baby heart would explode or something else hellish. So do not do that. Wait, did that baby just have a bottle of POWER GRAVY? Who is it's parents? Ugh. Some people...)<br />
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This was another one of those strange snack encounters where you fear the worse and when it isn't the devil in jerky form you kinda are a bit sad. I say this because POWER BEEF is actually fine. It smells like middle of the road jerky. It just tastes like jerky. Like a mildly smoked and ever so slightly sweet meat treat. S and I both tried it and had braced for bad but instead got what could only be described as totally fine jerky. Is that a good thing? I guess. I mean you want it to be edible. It costs 3 dollars. See, I don't mean to sound let down because it wasn't gross. I am glad that this Oregon company has made an edible product. This is just a case of an extreme package to sell the same ole meat sack. Neither of us felt the "POWER" part of the beef and I am pretty sure neither of us pooped our pants.<br />
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So all in all, you can do far worse in the jerky world for far more money. As always I recommend that you slam a meat sack and find out for yourself. I give this snack a 3.5- brushing your teeth in the shower is a time saver, brushing on the toilet is gross-out of 5.<br />
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Now if meat isn't your thing than maybe you might need this Fruit Cake on the go. Uh, my first concern here is that this doesn't look at all like fruit cake. Is that a picture of a carrot? Wait. Is carrot a fruit? I am pretty sure NOBODY has ever argued that a carrot is a fruit. I am also confident that nobody ever wanted fruit cake on the go. What else is in this snack?<br />
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Oh man, LOOK AT ALL THAT FRUIT!!!! See, just imagine, you just put some of these fruit cakes in your purse and when you want to snack on carrot, whet flower, and honey then you can just reach in and snack away. Doesn't that sound soooooooo good?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF4hRC3S7NvB5ljSPhm2nIruxLy30l5wwRNiYzjdNP6lBrXvgVcHqTAWahB8NAadcd4c4NPacWQ5G-TBLeOaDseIA8tWV9RLn2V9Ao-hcKhuSpCMBwelkVC2tNa527Gj-I0hyLprmdzEDS/s1600/fruit+cake+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF4hRC3S7NvB5ljSPhm2nIruxLy30l5wwRNiYzjdNP6lBrXvgVcHqTAWahB8NAadcd4c4NPacWQ5G-TBLeOaDseIA8tWV9RLn2V9Ao-hcKhuSpCMBwelkVC2tNa527Gj-I0hyLprmdzEDS/s320/fruit+cake+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Oh yes, it looks EVEN better than any of us could have imagined. It smells like if a candle thought that it was really fancy only to realize that it is a dollar store candle in a cheap piece of pottery shaped like a shell with a baby climbing up one side and the candle shed a tear and you bottled that sadness. You know? No? Well, it smells like if a fruit rollup got a perm. Part of that could be because the "fruit cake" is wrapped in rice paper. Yeah, the same kind that is wrapped around "rice candy" which is not candy. I am sorry but I bought some as a child and was never more disappointed.<br />
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How does it taste? Like drinking my first explanation of how it smelled. I mean first lets address the texture. It feels pretty firm like jello with rigor mortis. Once in your mouth the rice paper clings to everything so that once the revolting sense of dread sets in that you won't be able to escape the death that is any mouth fun for you for the next 20-15 minutes. The taste is a thick sweetness. Like if you licked Winnie the Poohs back as he was gorging on honey all wedged in that tree. Where he is just so full and his sweaty bear back is just oozing honey sweat. Yeah, it tastes like that. So hopefully that isn't your thing but if it is then here is a snack for you. I can't honestly tell you if there is carrot in there as I just wanted it out of my mouth. I know that this is not a snack designed for me and that it is great for some bear licker just not me. Thanks but this little black rain cloud is going to stick to Sweetarts. I give this snack a .5-Why not do yoga in the elevator? If you do downward dog someone will make room. (Besides elevators and yoga studios have equal square footage to passed gas ratios. That is a scientific fact.)-out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG_W_vCgYq0tP9httTuqOyvm4xh2qlU1-hXtGyrLBUSlGm6s6dM9K75qQNKJixukNW6jx5ZFL1iSffcHHEVF9CRthTOzd3dHEUPhojSg8TgBMQhdxCi92ttXQKEYlbWmd7BrM5a0chgMKf/s1600/burger+box+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG_W_vCgYq0tP9httTuqOyvm4xh2qlU1-hXtGyrLBUSlGm6s6dM9K75qQNKJixukNW6jx5ZFL1iSffcHHEVF9CRthTOzd3dHEUPhojSg8TgBMQhdxCi92ttXQKEYlbWmd7BrM5a0chgMKf/s320/burger+box+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Lastly today we have a product from Japan that costs just under 5 dollars. This hails from a snack line called "happy kitchen" and the whole appeal here is that you make the snack. As in, every element of the snack you create. Including the cute little packaging and all. I chose this for the "convenience" post because it is fast food. However in an ironic turn of events it is the MOST labor intensive and time consuming snack I have ever encountered. I get that is most of the appeal here and if I was a child this may have been magical. One time when my friend Aaron and I were at a beach house (as children) we found a make a cake kit in a box of Lucky Charms. We followed the instructions and made this microwave cake and spread weird frosting goo on it and stuck the "marshmallows" to it and split it. We gobbled it up but neither of us looked pleased about the final outcome. I suppose it really was about the mad scientist angle of creating this weird hybrid snack that was fun.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj9I0KuU8xZxg8VmJ6wozZkUYajsomnCgxxM3umXKlyGVOPayx8CxzCdRHhDdglSw77OgA3XnM1dYJZmhxcll0wN07zqdheDl-pu2QG1wD2otszRUutxBbU9-Hx26G5yndMkQvqfTAkPdx/s1600/burger+box+side.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj9I0KuU8xZxg8VmJ6wozZkUYajsomnCgxxM3umXKlyGVOPayx8CxzCdRHhDdglSw77OgA3XnM1dYJZmhxcll0wN07zqdheDl-pu2QG1wD2otszRUutxBbU9-Hx26G5yndMkQvqfTAkPdx/s320/burger+box+side.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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So by now I am sure that you have put together that this kit makes 2 cheese burgers, one order of french fries, and a small coke like soft drink.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVCUPiDoK_9o795v8aDZ4mvdYSx2NR6X1BR_z70Zg_ipMbnuQh555An1Nl-Dx3KFCgypjru9SbOj6L_MLIffRFxfDL2wtAYU-ALklKDgbkqVseFIZ9xBqKmhKLmBvebSh2yN3ubuXBfU3v/s1600/burger+box+back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVCUPiDoK_9o795v8aDZ4mvdYSx2NR6X1BR_z70Zg_ipMbnuQh555An1Nl-Dx3KFCgypjru9SbOj6L_MLIffRFxfDL2wtAYU-ALklKDgbkqVseFIZ9xBqKmhKLmBvebSh2yN3ubuXBfU3v/s320/burger+box+back.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Here you can see the super simple instructions. Right there is the part that tells you to....um. Well, there is a stick in some goo. Also a few arrows as to say "this" or "that" and of course the "put someone's finger in this part"<br />
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Sure, business as usual.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggjo35aa7Rw0nKRhtHyyz8JjtW7SB7cdKIcVWJsPMd3Si7ehomn6ffRSZoqDC3oTJa6osUla2kAEEyFLOXeRtHuZe5h4LnGiVBKxKO60R7eiRdXDKDpcGxLfA15GRTTFpYJM8R7jtAeik3/s1600/burgerbag+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggjo35aa7Rw0nKRhtHyyz8JjtW7SB7cdKIcVWJsPMd3Si7ehomn6ffRSZoqDC3oTJa6osUla2kAEEyFLOXeRtHuZe5h4LnGiVBKxKO60R7eiRdXDKDpcGxLfA15GRTTFpYJM8R7jtAeik3/s320/burgerbag+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Here we have the bag that contains an assortment of packets and small plastic bucket type things. It says "hamburger sheet." You know, because it is...the...hamburger sheet?... WTF.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZXPwMTxyDtoN81AFybQ9yCY-9CNYdqsZi08iYqIqxCKDwSFGKU0QS7dihkGNH_8YZAZj4cXgcbasklUJ7y_kxdgAjnpjo8ibpotiCDHh_F7sVu-QJBTJBSOMS9zkGmlaICvSicLXMjN0e/s1600/burger+bag+back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZXPwMTxyDtoN81AFybQ9yCY-9CNYdqsZi08iYqIqxCKDwSFGKU0QS7dihkGNH_8YZAZj4cXgcbasklUJ7y_kxdgAjnpjo8ibpotiCDHh_F7sVu-QJBTJBSOMS9zkGmlaICvSicLXMjN0e/s320/burger+bag+back.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Alright! Now I get this. It says "smoosh some goo on this blue square and cut it into two pieces. Then you should tape stuff to a cup and make something to put fries in." Duh. That all seems way too obvious. Right? I mean, what am I an idiot? (Perchance) So maybe there was a few steps that I was missing. Luckily I found a tutorial on the ole youtube that walked me thru making my happy kitchen cheese burger meal. Before we get to that though I'd like to point out a few things. First of all, the video is significantly shorter than it took me to make this snack. All in all it took me 30-40 minutes. Secondly, I didn't know if this was candy or supposed to taste like what it is emulating until I actually put it in my mouth. Thirdly, rhymes with turdly. (Not important. Just skip that last one.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxIdjp63DbZOUIZLrwliJRSUQP4aIJ756Eno8w7lkJbGwxKFeAY7oF5IjBL9w8ybrf-7q7o_ijvKgTFMadMYq8tSvgw_D_IE6n6kdbhXJkSn8QA1hrqkBDwCOEBI0Uy1f7oJxNCnljjnJg/s1600/burger+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxIdjp63DbZOUIZLrwliJRSUQP4aIJ756Eno8w7lkJbGwxKFeAY7oF5IjBL9w8ybrf-7q7o_ijvKgTFMadMYq8tSvgw_D_IE6n6kdbhXJkSn8QA1hrqkBDwCOEBI0Uy1f7oJxNCnljjnJg/s320/burger+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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So here is my finished product. Kinda cute right? However looks can be deceiving. (Especially with food.) My first inkling that this wasn't going to just taste like cookies was that when I microwaved the fries mixture it smelled like potato. Like fake potato or reconstituted to say the least. My heart kind of sank a bit and not just because I knew that the tiny fries were going to be cold in 30 minutes when I finished making my burgers, soda, and ecoutremonts. It was because I really wanted this to be a good experience. Powder that you mix with water and microwave into burgers and fries sounds as tasty as a summer bus seat. Here is the tutorial:<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/3TzSoM2nx-s?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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So how was it? Well, I thought that the fry was disgusting. It tasted like a Pringle kept in a freshly jogged in shoe. S however said it tasted fine. The soda was exactly like a powder that you add water to and it fizzes and tastes vaguely of cola. I bet everyone can picture that one accurately. Now the burgers. Pardon me, the cheese burgers. As the video showed, this kit comes with "ketchup/catsup" slime. So for the benefit of really getting the experience I nibbled one burger without the slime. It tasted like a dense bread with almost a pencil eraser texture. For a moment I breathed a sigh of relief. Then the eraser bread took on a finish of cheap burger. Thankfully the cheese was nonexistent as I was really grossed out by that particular powder-sludge transformation. So imagine eating a piece of bread with an eraser texture that seems fine but leaves a cheap burger taste in your mouth. MMMMM.<br />
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At that point I really wanted to stop. I knew that the red slime was not going to work in my favor even in the slightest. Nothing good was going to come from this. However I knew what I needed to do. So I closed my eyes and took a nibble all while trying not to gag. As anticipated it tasted like a burger eraser with the sweetest horrid tomato flavor on it. My mouth wanted little to do with it and my throat just said "No friggin' way! You expect me to swallow eraser burgers? Then you better get ready for the big D because stomach has also said no to the processing of said burger bread eraser." I spit it into the garbage which was the one step of this product that I think should be clearly printed on the box.<br />
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I give this snack a 1.5-maybe only wear workout pants when you are actually working out.(You might say that isn't convenient but I say that the way people are turning regular public places into a weird shaped butt festival is inconvenient.)-out of 5.<br />
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Thanks for your time and I hope to see you next week.<br />
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(You know the whole weird cat doll portion of that youtube clip just isn't sitting well with me.... I don't know how you feel about it.)dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-89704159184403422882012-07-18T15:31:00.004-07:002012-07-18T15:31:51.259-07:00.FooRd BloRg. Just be nice. (to chocolate)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Everyone is exposed to different things. That is kind of the idea with this blog. Just putting stuff out there that maybe people are aware of or maybe not. Lets face it, we all miss things. We don't see a movie or checkout an album. I spend a large portion of my time in my head which is a wondrous and strange place. There for I miss things and sometimes when i encounter them it blows my mind.</div>
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One such example is that I was calling QFC a grocery store here in PDX and in order to find the number I googled it. Then clicked on the first listing I saw which was Yelp. Now maybe I have been naive but I thought Yelp was just restaurant reviews. You know, reviews that maybe are needed but boy was I wrong. There were reviews for a grocery store. Maybe this doesn't blow your mind but it shattered mine. </div>
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First of all, who writes a review for a chain grocery store? It is a grocery store. They have prepared products and produce and a person that takes your money. It is a pretty straight forward situation. Nobody should be like "I can se my reflection in the floor of the frozen pizza isle. People need to know about this." Or "Six brands of toilet paper. I don't have time to weight the various pros and cons of this selection. Let alone debate how many ply I wish to use. Scale down your selection Safeway. I ain't no asstrologist!" (That isn't a spelling error. That person was making a pun.) It just shouldn't happen. Secondly who stops to read a review before going to a grocery store to buy basic life necessities? You usually go to whatever is closest to you. I have never heard of someone saying "Hey dear, could you pick up some lemons?" and the reply is "Yeah, I will just rundown to Fred Meyer but first let me see what a stranger said about their produce selection and parking situation." It shouldn't exist. Those are the types of things in a grocery store review because that is all you can really say about a grocery store. One person while talking about that the grocery store has parking (wtf?) remarked on how that made it easy to "zip in after work". Yeah, that is how a store works. Nobody should think "I was going to go grocery shopping but I didn't know if they had a parking lot. Now if you are thinking that sometimes grocery store lots fill up, don't shop at that time. See how easy that is? If you want a really magical shopping experience-go at night. There is nobody there. You can spend hours squeezing grapes if you want. (Why do you want that?) The last thing I will say about this topic is that the top reviewer: Melissa had checked in there 19 times at the QFC. 19 times. I hope all of her friends appreciate that she lets them know that she is at a grocery store, a place pretty much all humans go to buy things all humans need. Whew. Mystery solved. Melissa isn't getting bananas from dragons and big foot. Nope she buys them at a grocery store like everyone else. Thanks Melissa.</div>
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Then again for all I know, Melissa may be the daughter of a spy and when she goes missing they will check her phone and say "The last place she checked in was at QFC. Lets go investigate but lets also walk. I am not sure if they have a parking lot."</div>
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Segue: Chocolate.</div>
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Well played. Today we are looking at 4 different chocolate treats and joining me in this post is Sarah and our pal Beverly.</div>
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So up first we have these cashews! Nuts covered in coconut, white chocolate, and curry. One of those I like-curry. The other things, including cashews, I am not such a fan of. I had to buy it though because it sounds so unique or different or possibly terrible. Sarah and I found these at Sheridan Fruit Company where our friend Susie works. Now thats store is more of a specialty market and deserves reviews. In fact it has at least 50 on Yelp. If I was reviewing it I'd give it a 5 out of 5. You should check it out if you haven't. Alas we are talking about these nuts and here is the breakdown.<br />
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It smells kind of like sunscreen.<br />
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B- Gross. It tastes like easter candy and suntan lotion. Like really cheap easter candy. I hate it.( -10 out of 5)<br />
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S- Oh yeah, it tastes like salty suntan lotion. Like somebody sweated in my mouth on vacation. Can I have more? (4 out of 5)<br />
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d- Ugh. Coconut. I hate it. Dreadful. It has such a fatty mouth feel between the fatty nut and the fatty white chocolate feel. It coats your mouth in fat. This is truly disgusting. Also after you swallow it the flavor and sludge stays in your mouth. Torture.<br />
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I give this snack a 0-Go to Yelp and read reviews of Jiffy Lube-ouch-out of 5.<br />
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I am pretty sure this snack came to us by way of Birchbox. If you don't know what that is than you should look it up. It is pretty fun. This chocolate has chili, cayenne, and cinnamon. Doesn't sound too crazy right?<br />
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Kinda cute ain't it? I mean, for a choco pod. it just smells like dark chocolate.<br />
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B-It just seems like crappy milk chocolate that turns into crappy dark chocolate . I don't get any chili. I get the cinnamon and it ends with a slightly spicy mouthfeel. (2.5-out of 5)<br />
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S-I get a little cayenne but mostly cinnamon. There is too much cocoa. Like it tastes like cocoa powder. (3 out of 5)<br />
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d-Bitter. (That is literally all I wrote down. I know. Terrible review. I remember agreeing with both Bev and Sarah but I only wrote one word for myself.) 2.5-Check out Biomat plasma donation on Yelp-out of 5.<br />
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Green tea Kit Kat! Yup. I have had several types of imported kit kats over the years. I pretty much try everyone that I can find. So here we are with green tea. Again this was ordered from Tokyo as it is not available in the states.<br />
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Oh, look at the back there. You can write a little note. Remember when you couldn't write on snack size candy bars? What dark times those were. I like that there are even lines so your handwriting won't go everywhere. That is so helpful.<br />
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B-Live it. It just tastes like a vanilla Kit Kat. This reminds me of a special treat that my grandma used to make. (4-out of 5)<br />
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S-Eh. It is a vanilla Kit Kat. Not memorable at all. (3-out of 5)<br />
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d- I agree. It isn't bad at all but I wouldn't eat it again. (3-check out Taco Bell on Yelp-out of 5)<br />
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Ok so here we have another expensive chocolate bar boasting its exotic spice blends on the front. I have grown weary of these since there are so many of them and they always seem like they are going to be amazing. Yet more often than not they turn out to be underwhelming.<br />
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Uh huh. Yep. A whole lot of wordage on there. Buzz words and the use of "titillate". Everything seems in order here.<br />
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B- Ugh. It tastes like cheap chocolate and a ton of mint. (2.5-out of 5)</div>
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S-Awe sick. It tastes like bile. F-that!!! (0-out of 5)</div>
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d-I get tea at the end. Not too into the mint and the chocolate tastes really cheap. I give this chocolate a 2-check out McDonalds on Yelp-out of 5.</div>
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My wife told me that people review everything on Yelp. She was right. I guess I just never looked. The things people waste their time on is amazing. (This blog included.)</div>
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In closing, I'd like to leave you with an excerpt from a review of a Walmart on 82nd avenue. This message is by Emily L. in Portland Or. "<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: arial, 'Lucida Grande', 'Bitstream Vera Sans', verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 16px;">t should also be known that my favorite moment from this particular Wal-Mart is when the women's bathroom had a human turd on the floor. Not in one of the stalls, but just out by the sinks (masterful)....and, said turd, was there long enough for someone, not to clean it up, but to put an orange cone next to it to warn people from stepping on it." </span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: arial, 'Lucida Grande', 'Bitstream Vera Sans', verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 16px;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: arial, 'Lucida Grande', 'Bitstream Vera Sans', verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 16px;"><br /></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: arial, 'Lucida Grande', 'Bitstream Vera Sans', verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 16px;">Now that is a helpful review.</span></span>dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-60010738740570180342012-06-20T16:09:00.000-07:002012-06-20T16:09:01.243-07:00.FooRd BloRg. Crunchle Krunch Crunx<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Is it just me or does time seem faster as you get older? When you are young time seems so slow. I recall the minutes of a clock lasting a lifetime. Now it seems that the days are short and years are a blur. Did you know mallards are monogamous?</div>
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Ok. See, what happened there is I am pretty bad at segues. What is a segue? It is a smooth transition from one subject or topic to another. Did you know that the king of hearts is the only king without a mustache? Think about it dudes. Shave that thing off your face. The king of hearts. He is the king of hearts. He wouldn't lie. </div>
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A segue requires a logical bridge between the two subjects. My brain doesn't build logical bridges. My bridges are a bit more like the end scene in Labyrinth where there is all those steps and the girl can't figure out how to get to Bowie but she can see him. I am also bad at segues because I will learn something and I will need to share it with everyone I know and I don't finesse it into the conversation either. Example: </div>
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Person: Nice weather we are having.</div>
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Me: Yes. I read that a crow lives in a family group ranging from 2-15. And every family is called a murder. Want to go 50/50 on this fruit roll up? It is grape.</div>
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Sarah recently went to a candy store on NW 23rd and she saw a wall of black licorice containers. Different shapes etc... I have seen red licorice ropes and laces and wheels. So who is this person that is sitting around like "Rope? Oh somebody did that? How about a smaller rope? Like a shoe lace. Somebody did that? What if the shoe lace is all wound up and you can then unroll the lace. Somebody did that? AH. Boot? Damn. Sheep? Arg! Pirate? Double Arg! Booty? Yeah, like tiny licorice tooshes. Whew. We did it." That is what I imagine. Just a weird licorice loving snack engineer sitting in a basement somewhere brainstorming licorice shapes. Did you know pearls melt in vinegar? True.</div>
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I love bad segues. I love snacks. Lets combine those two.</div>
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First up we have a snack that Sarah found at an asian grocery. They are a type of snack named ball cookies. Keep it together. These are called honey ball cookies. This brand is called Hot Kid but we will get to that later. That makes this snack 'Hot Kid's Honey Ball Cookies." I am pretty sure that typing that sentence puts me on some kind of government list. What can you do? Snacking has risks.<br />
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Why isn't this snack called "chicken egg cookies?" It is far less questionable. Plus they went thru all the trouble of having chickens all over the packaging. I thought that these cookies were shaped like eggs not balls but then I also thought that they were crackers not cookies.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq4YuQODOfnUK_h38M4pbtToZvsgeqR62hWOKB_28sOor2QMnpNst1N2ezgwWnsq6yac-Y2fcTqL08CgWbTKWfb9Pl8VEy-8ERI6BK1FNQLCqQwyGEwqhNCBgqnsyNyhoKkmgk6_V3LzTt/s1600/egg+cookie+warning.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq4YuQODOfnUK_h38M4pbtToZvsgeqR62hWOKB_28sOor2QMnpNst1N2ezgwWnsq6yac-Y2fcTqL08CgWbTKWfb9Pl8VEy-8ERI6BK1FNQLCqQwyGEwqhNCBgqnsyNyhoKkmgk6_V3LzTt/s320/egg+cookie+warning.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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But wait it gets weirder. Look at the warning in the clear part of the bag. Think about that. They made a nearly invisible warning on food item. What? Was the white background too expensive? Look at the top of the picture at what they did print on white background. "Jim want ball cookie" WTF? What kind of super weirdness is this? Who is Jim?<br />
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Finally we have this. That must be Jim. Now I am really hoping that the "hot" that they are referring to is a temperature situation and not how I would feel I'd look in that ensemble. How is the actual ball cookie? Well. The ball cookie sack, when opened, smelled of flour, paper, and honey. I was disappointed because I thought that this would be like goldfish crackers but instead it was silly little cookie puff balls. We had this on a family outing to the beach. Nobody cared for them. Really the most interesting thing about this snack is the bag. The cookies are barely a cookie. You bite into it and it quickly dissolves in your mouth. Forgettable with a hint of honey. I bet that if you had these as a child than maybe you'd like them as an adult. For me it doesn't do much. I give this snack a 2-A ducks quack doesn't echo and nobody knows why AND Walt Disney was afraid of mice-out of 5.<br />
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Oh good. A soy sauce flavored watermelon seed. Yeah. Not a sunflower seed. Which is a seed that people normally eat. This is a soy sauce flavored watermelon seed. A seed that people have always spit out. Now we know why. It has nothing to do with them being inedible and everything to do with that they don't taste like soy sauce. Sarah also found this snack at the same market and we ate these on the same beach trip mentioned earlier.<br />
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I didn't go in the ocean.<br />
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There is a good look at the ingredients. Very interesting. Not really. In fact I have no idea why I even took that picture. Did you know that peanuts are an ingredient in dynamite? I wonder if dynamite has a warning on the side "Manufactured in a facility that processes peanuts." Like wise peanuts would seem pretty bad ass if they had a warning "Processed in a dynamite factory."<br />
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Were these good? Well they smelled like a leather wallet aged in a well and dried with salt on it. It was bitter and very soy saucy. It was also difficult to chew and seemed burnt. In short, this is a terrible thing to put in your mouth.<br />
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Here is a list of better things to put in your mouth: soil, lower grade soil, hobo slept on soil, soil on a hobo, hobo, owl pellets, lawn furniture that has received a urine shower, a photo of Rosie O Donnell, a soil covered photo of Rosie O' Donnell, a grave robber's pants, or you could lick the lower portion of a glass door in a day care.<br />
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This will surely turn you off of both soy sauce and watermelon seeds. I wish I could go into graphic detail about how gross it was. But again it just isn't that memorable. I give this snack a 0-Your stomach has two produce a new layer of mucus every 2 days or it will digest itself. Justin Timberlake is 31-out of 5.<br />
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Ok these nuts are available at many asian markets and groceries. They might look like that nut snack at Trader Joes but these are far better. First of all, Trader Joes really really sucks. Think about it. Nothing good comes from there. It is a grocery store of one brand. It belongs in a mall. They have frozen trash that isn't very good trash and poor produce and lame cheeses and cheap wine that is gross. ZING! Take that! One person doens't like trader joes. I am sure they care. My point is that the trader joes nut snack has funky lime leaves in it. This mix just has peanuts, pepper flakes and pepper corns. Sarah loves these nuts. What is there not to love.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq6bSo_L1Wv1DSbklXgDzukdHueGsZvXfT7gxTUXxFlJ3cTgTt-TWbtK9KE8JsV0fDD6_4Ry332UXKBnKJ71u_tDz4ShNfhZOvZVj5JpMuNpFZHpLWXWVINTRXopYyF_nzHVUx67NZ1vWC/s1600/spicy+nut+field.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq6bSo_L1Wv1DSbklXgDzukdHueGsZvXfT7gxTUXxFlJ3cTgTt-TWbtK9KE8JsV0fDD6_4Ry332UXKBnKJ71u_tDz4ShNfhZOvZVj5JpMuNpFZHpLWXWVINTRXopYyF_nzHVUx67NZ1vWC/s320/spicy+nut+field.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Look at this dreamy field. Rolling hills covered in nothing but nut bushes. I didn't know that you'd find nuts under bush. I assumed nuts grew in trees. I guess that peanut is a ground nut meaning that it grows in the ground. The first Portland Rose festival was today June 20th 1907.<br />
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So I have no idea what this product is called I just know what it is. Clearly the illustration shows: 1. Shake bag. 2. Break tooth. 3. Eat a steaming hot dish of leaf and ovals. Is this a good snack? Do you like heat? I sure as heck do. These nuts are great. Sometimes the pepper corns are a bit much but the chili and peanuts are delicious. I give this treat a 5-The nobel peace prize depicts three naked men with their hands on each others shoulders and on average a 100 people choke to death on ball point pens-out of 5.</div>
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Lastly we have another cheeto flavor from Tokyo. I ordered this snack from japan. I am not sure why. It is flavored to taste like Tteokbokki. I know. It looks like I had a seizure while typing. It is a dish prepared with rice cakes cut into rectangles and stir fried with ginkgo nuts and sometimes seafood and then covered with cheese. I guess not all are covered in cheese but this one is. Sound good?<br />
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Now lets just put the weird dish name and flavor aside and look at what is going on in that picture. It looks to me like that dog has rolled that boy up in a blanket. I saw this once done to a man who took a lot of extacy or lsd or both and he was dressed like fred flintstone. Well, he was flipping out and pooped in a bush and white bird, who were like the crazy wranglers, came and rolled him up in a blanket and took him away. So in my mind, that boy made this dish and that dog was like "he HAS to be on drugs!' and has rolled him up. I bet that is it.<br />
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It looks pretty good to me but looks can be deceiving. It smells like a cheeto. Like puffed corn and some type of dried spice. It tastes like if the three words "I don't know" had a flavor. I haven't had this dish and my brain has no idea what to do with this flavor. It isn't really cheesy. It isn't really sweet or savory. It is somewhere in the middle. Now you might be thinking that doesn't sound that bad but think about this. I am in my thirties. I have tasted a wide array of flavors. When you taste something and you can't quite place it your brain does odd things. It panics like "This isn't food! What are we doing?" It feels creepy for something to be texturally normal but flavor wise it is something unknown. I think that our brain also tells us if something is rotten much in the same way. You bite into an apple and the texture might be the same but then your brain says "This doesn't taste like apple. Eject!" </div>
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Well the texture was corn puff but the flavor was a mystery which ultimately I found unnecessary to eat. For really no reason I give this snack a 3-The cigarette lighter was invented before the match and the king of hearts represents Charlemagne- out of 5.</div>
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You should all be more like Charlemagne. (*Actually just shave. I don't know what kind of life he lived.) </div>
</div>dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-55405827897692408252012-06-06T21:43:00.002-07:002012-06-06T21:43:28.160-07:00.FooRd BlooRg. Joy!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Greetings! This post is going to be a joyous one. By definition joy means an emotion evoked of well being. Uh, yeah I guess. I could sum up a large chunk of my childhood joy in one word with 5 letters and two syllables. Candy. Sure there were other things. Like christmas presents or birthday presents or random presents not associated with my birth or christs. What? Kids are pretty self absorbed. (It isn't their fault but it is pretty much the truth.) Who else, while still believing in god, would be like " Yes. Merry Christmas! Happy birthday jesus! Where is my bike? What? Kevin got a bike when HE was 7! What did I get? What is this shit? A doll? Are you f*cking kidding me? Have you been to my room? It only has like a bizzangle amount of dolls! (At that age, bizzangle does sound like a mathamatical amount of dolls to have.) One more doll! Yippee. No, you know what? I have enough dolls that I could go in the backyard, next to the Chipper's house (the dog) and build my own house. Yes, a LITERAL doll house. Actually, you know what, I can't because Kevin hasn't been picking up Chipper's poops. Yeah, that is right! Screw you Kevin! If I am getting played like this YOU ARE ALL GOING DOWN! Mom wears secret ankle socks to the grocery store and dad smells of lady lotion! Oh, I am out of order? This whole christmas is out of order. With a christmas like this I can't believe that god is real. Especially since neither Joseph or Mary are storks and THAT is my understanding of where babies come from."-Kayla age 7.</div>
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Yeah sure there were joyous times with family and friends but I don't think you really get that understanding until you are older and reflect back at how awesome those times were. I am talking about at that age and at that time. Candy is one of the major joys. Obviously with this blog a by product is a large amount of odd and sometimes inedible candy and snacks. Some of those I can take to work and people will try them and most of the time the things I have hated on the most become quite well received by others. Chili Rokkas became a fave of a coworker and I hated them. Sadly it all doesn't make it to work. Another stock pile develops at home. Recently we had some home troubles in the shape of a sink leaking and majorly f-ing up our floors. So we had a contractor come out and one time he brought his son. I have no idea how old his son was but somewhere between 8-12 I'd guess. Well the contractor left the room to get a fan and there I was with a child I didn't know. I looked over my shoulder while searching for some common denominator between this child and my thirty something self. That is when I saw it: candy. Here is the problem with that situation though. When you are a thirty something male talking to a stranger's child there is no possible way of saying "you like candy?" without being totally creeped out. In fact I think that very scenario should be used as a screening for people. </div>
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Interviewer: Ok, so hypothetically you are in a room with a child you don't know.</div>
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Guy: How'd I get there?</div>
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Interviewer: That isn't important. On the table is a bowl of assorted candy.</div>
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Guy: Is there Nutter Butter?</div>
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Interviewer: That isn't important....Also that is a cookie. The child doesn't see the candy.</div>
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Guy: Is he blind? Is the candy blind? I mean invisible.</div>
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Interviewer: No and no. It is just in a bowl. A bowl that ...he just hasn't seen the candy. Ok? Now say the line please.</div>
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Guy: You like candy?</div>
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Interviewer: Ok. How was that for you?</div>
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Guy: Oh good.</div>
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Interviewer:Not creeped out in the slightest?</div>
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Guy: No. Does he want some candy?</div>
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Interviewer: Really ok with this situation?</div>
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Guy: Oh yeah. Can I go now? My windowless van is double parked.</div>
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Interviewer: (into watch) We are going to need to take this one down. I repeat, the muskrat is doing the watoosie.</div>
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What was I talking about? Oh yes, the joy of candy. Of simpler times. In honor of that our 1-5 scale will be recalling said times of joy.</div>
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Up first we have Krachie Puchitto soft candy. This flavor is grape in case you didn't notice that the candy is shaped like grapes. Do you know who likes grapes? Bunnys. Yep but only soft grapes because a bunny's mouth is like a tiny silk purse. True. Also a bunny doesn't chew to break down food. It merely cradles it in its silken mouth until the food relaxes enough to slide down in's esophogus. Yeah. They don't eat carrots either. Too hard. That whole fallacy was concocted by rabbit farmers to keep questionable folks from touching their bunnys. (*I clearly know nothing about rabbits or bunnies.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSTqPvF0RUuIl5DHLt0XHfbstu-4aq8Cp7FNs3YRXiHabIJzSxE9cN1qas2D7YkGvsWZFkzKUsiXOq2oxn7fvzRrk-WmV7ZQNfWdFkJJKmyhwgGK90vhz0JY3lRoZh03hyphenhyphenrBXiLbiV3OeT/s1600/grapecandy+monkey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSTqPvF0RUuIl5DHLt0XHfbstu-4aq8Cp7FNs3YRXiHabIJzSxE9cN1qas2D7YkGvsWZFkzKUsiXOq2oxn7fvzRrk-WmV7ZQNfWdFkJJKmyhwgGK90vhz0JY3lRoZh03hyphenhyphenrBXiLbiV3OeT/s320/grapecandy+monkey.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Ah! What is that shady monkey up to? Bunny-stay away from the candy! I think the monkey holding the log in the sky which says something on it-is up to no good! Seriously, what is up with the monkey? Who holds a log like that? We can clearly see his lower torso behind that log. So am I to understand that the mascot for this snack is a log palming monkey? Yes? Ok. No that isn't weird at all. (I didn't want to say anything but it also looks like that monkey is "you know"ing that log.)<br />
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So the whole appeal to this candy, other than being soft is each kind pulls apart into tiny pieces. So the grape flavor pulls apart into individual grapes. The orange flavor has a rind you remove and you can separate the segments. Pretty clever right? And is it fun? Well, upon opening the bag you are greeted with a fantastic grape aroma. Think about that pungent grape gum you had in your youth. Yeah, thats the good stuff. It smells heavenly.<br />
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The texture is what you pick up on first when putting it in your mouth. It is like a stale marshmellow. Not in a bad way. Maybe more like a chewier marshmallow. Then comes the sweetness and then the grape flavor wave. It is delicious. I can't say I am crazy about pulling the tiny grapes off. Or eating candy that is a fourth the size of a pencil eraser. That being said if you toss the whole thing in your trap it is quite enjoyable. A tad chewy, a bit fluffy or squishy, and very very grape. Was it a joy? Yes. Would a kid find it a joy? You bet they would. (Except maybe Kayla age 7)<br />
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Sarah just tried this treat. She smelled it and said "ooh yeah!" and thought that the pulling it apart into smaller pieces was the best part. She also said that it tasted like grape Big League Chew. She liked it.<br />
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I give this snack a 5-Swimming. The feeling of weightlessness as a kid in a pool was a magical joy.-out of 5.<br />
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Who doesn't want Smog Balls in their mouth? Most people actually. Yet here it is. This snack wa given to me by my parents for this blog. How cool is that? Pretty dang cool but lets just get somethings out of the way here. First of all, calling a sour goo candy "Toxic waste" can be gross fun for a kid. I agree with that idea. However attempting to build an empire of environmental themed candy is not a great business model. Here is why: Smog is a concept that kids not only don't care about but the don't need to. Gi-Joe doesn't stop mid battle and say "Cobra! We will be back when this smog isn't so unbarable. I mean the airborne soot particles right now have to be a hazard to local floral and fauna." Doesn't happen. Do you think Barbie's car is a hybrid? Nope. She lives in a pink mansion with a bizzangle amount of clothing, shoes, and accesories. Her whole world runs on coal and internal combustion. Don't even get me started on the Transformers.<br />
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Second of all, I guess I just had a first of all.<br />
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Now what am I supposed to make of this nuclear explosion which is obviously experiencing moderate to high levels of gastrointestinal discomfort. It just makes me think that this product might give me the emergency-D. (That is code for diarrhea.) I don't want the emergency-D on a good day and certainly not at an atomic level. I don't even think that sour candy can have that effect can it? I don't know why I am asking. I hope I never know. Ever.<br />
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So in the back of the bag of candy they included a story to rationalize their asinine choice to invent Smog Balls. It has something to do with Dr. Smogg and he wants to cover the earth is toxic chemicals that will rain down from the sky and some dude named Professor Sauernoggin (nice one) who can blast the chemical rain cloud and make it rain sour candy instead. That is the jist of it. It is really dumb. Trust me when I say that no kid is going to give a rats watoosie about that story. They just want whomever is reading it to them to shut up and give them the candy. Also I'd like to say that calling something toxic but teaching kids to eat it seems dangerous. Right? So they hear "Timmy, that is toxic!" and what Timmy hears is "That most likely has been cured by sauernoggin and comes in a variety of flavors ranging from but not limited to blue raspberry and windex." RIP Timmy. Taken from us so very young.<br />
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Are they good? Well. when you bite into one it has a crunchy candy shell and a soft sour interior. That pretty much sums up the experience. Is it sour? Not really very sour. I mean when I hear sour I imagine sucking on a lemon. (Which I love to do.) I guess sour as well as spicy is all relative to a person's taste. For me I will say that this isn't super sour. Now I am not saying that the level of citric acid isn't reminiscent of stomach bile because it is. Close your eyes and imagine eating a large amount of sub par Skittles and then having a vurp. What is a vurp? You know when you burp but some stomach acid comes up into your mouth and throat? That is a vurp. That pretty much encapsulates the aftermath of eating Smog Balls. Sound awesome?? Well luckily there are 6 flavors of regret in each bag. One of which and I am not joking, tastes how window cleaner smells. Seriously. Remember what I said earlier about "toxic"? Coincidence? Hmm.<br />
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Sarah just came in and tried this snack and she said it smelled good but when she tried the lime flavor that it was NOT sour. She said it tasted like stale tiny jawbreakers and that the strawberry wasn't bad but seemed like it tasted like strawberry nerds and that she didn't want to try others because she didn't want the windex one.<br />
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I give this snack a 1-people falling down-out of 5. Think about it. Kids get so much joy out of people falling down. Some of us adults think it is pretty awesome too. One time, Sarah, Dave and I were walking in the snow and Sarah slipped and fell which caused Dave to fall and then I stepped in the same place she slipped and I fell. It was hilariously painful.<br />
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Next up is Sumiyaki Coffee Candy!!! I love coffee. I really do. I love the smell. I love the taste. I LOVE COFFEE! My big problem when it comes to coffee drinks or coffee candy is that they usually involve cream and sugar. I only like black coffee. That is what I want. Just black. So I was hesitant to try this snack but it also said coffee on it so I wanted to try it. Ugh. So is my curse. My coffee curse.<br />
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Oh I get it. There are the beans and the coffee grinder and candy. That pretty much sums up coffee candy. Thanks candy bag designers. I had so many questions about what I was about to experience. I mean I know what candy is and I know how to drink coffee but coffee candy? I don't get it.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0hbIx8gAzktYNmoAbX445JWF2R0sBc5ggvKJ26uF1g8-MgvvssMGzB1GX-Wjt7u1NQ9MB1t6V1UH0uloDoYFVM7M7fhhsrLvILoeI5VE6JPI44rWk_hpmwCllWgSWEJ1IK2e3NM8usxjW/s1600/coffee+candy+open.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0hbIx8gAzktYNmoAbX445JWF2R0sBc5ggvKJ26uF1g8-MgvvssMGzB1GX-Wjt7u1NQ9MB1t6V1UH0uloDoYFVM7M7fhhsrLvILoeI5VE6JPI44rWk_hpmwCllWgSWEJ1IK2e3NM8usxjW/s320/coffee+candy+open.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Oh I get it now. The candy comes in these cute silver teepees. The cuteness stops there sadly because the taste of this candy is not awesome. This tastes like old person candy. You know, the type of candy that every kid can tell is not meant for children. It isn't fun or particularly delicious. In this case it tastes like sweetened hard candy and stale old person mouth who just drank coffee which was also stale and the coffee has a mouth and it drank older coffee and it is kissing you too. (That got weird. Sorry.)<br />
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Ok close your eyes again and imagine eating a plain sugar disc candy and then your grandma who just drank a coffee gave you a big kiss. ugh. I know. I know. What did I expect. Of course it is going to be sweet but did it have to be so sweet? The candy not the grandma. Ok open your eyes.<br />
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I know. It is candy. I get it. Shame on me.<br />
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I give this snack a 3-fars-out of 5. Kids get so much joy out of gas. They do! It is like a brief toy to them. It happens to anyone and kids will roar with laughter. That is why Eddie Murphy has a 5 fart a movie clause in his contracts. (*Not a fact but it could be.)<br />
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*BONUS*<br />
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What?? Oh amn. Not Salsagheti???? Again? But I did this already! Oh wait. That was mango and this is watermelon. Fine. I will try stupid salsagheti again. This was a gift from Sarah's mom from when she went to Mexico. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the thought. I do. She wouldn't know that this was one of the first things we tried and how god awful it is. However we did and it was not great. It is funny to look back on that, years ago and how the natural evolution of this blog has changed. I am in no way a connoisseur or chef or know it all on food in any way. I am just a person who wanted to experiment with writing and this seemed like an appropriate avenue. Things were bound to change as each post is different and written in one sitting of about 2 hours. That being said some of the old posts are strange to me. Can you tell that I just don't want to eat the candy? Procrastination.<br />
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I said it last time but what is up with the duck? The duck is not a typical mexican animal nor an italian animal. Will someone please tell me why it is the spokes animal for salsagheti?,,,, And how is that duck supposed to fly with his wings pulled thru a shirt?<br />
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Crap. Just look at it. It doesn't even look good. It looks like it tastes. Like dirt and sadness. I think it may be sensing my fear. Look at the beyond lame packet of sickness that it comes with. Oh lord.<br />
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There. Much better. Don't you just want to drag some candy noodles thru that sewer leak? MMMM. Joy! Nobody should want this.<br />
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It smells like leather and the breath of someone who may have eaten fruit once whispering the words "dream of a better life."-"One without salsagheti." The noodle itself tastes like cheap gummy laces with salt and sugar or earth rubbed on it. Not pleasant in the slightest. The poo goo is salt and chili and mucus I think. Like if someone put some salt and chili in the palm of their hand and sneezed it into your mouth. That good. No joke kids, get some of this. Together the two parts play out like two bad jokes on your tongue. Either way your feeling will be hurt. No joy. NO JOY AT ALL.<br />
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This snack gets a 0-people getting hit in the crotch-out of 5. Only the twist here is it is the first time you got hit in the crotch and it hurt. Like really hurt. That is the day the laughter died. Some shred of innocence was never to return because of that crotch shot. I hate you Salsagheti.<br />
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Thanks for reading. Till next week.dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-35307406582133721182012-05-30T21:35:00.000-07:002012-05-30T21:35:17.110-07:00FooRd BooRg. Snack of attraction<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Oh, hello there. I like your outfit. What are those _________? (A. Crocs, B. Uggs, C. Flip flops, D. Reasonable foot attire) Is that the kind that _________? (A. Tone your butt, B. Match the drapes, C. "Donate" money to somewhere, D. Cover your sick ass man toes.) Well that is just awesome. have you lost weight? I mean I am sure you are hearing that from everyone. You look more slender __________.</div>
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See what I did there? I started todays post off with a little compliment. Hopefully now we are both on the same page (both literally and figuratively) and ready to get on down to brass tacks. (Don't tell anyone but I have no idea what that expression means. Is it a tax on brass? I mean brass is so tacky and ugly. They should tax the crap out of anyone buying brass. What? Do you want a brass bed? Then you should be taxed. I remember seeing a daybed at a girl's house, as a child, and I thought "Thar be sum ugly beast if evar I set an I on wun!. *Side note: I was a little pirate-y as a child and still didn't want brass for my booty. *Double side note: Not feeling that last sentence.)</div>
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Today we are looking at three crunchy snacks as well as talking about compliments. Sure they are weird and often hard to take. I hate them. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than trying to decide the appropriate response to a compliment. Here is hypothetical you: "Hey dirk, you said something funny once about dog tattoos at an improv show. That was funny." And here is non-hypothetical me: "Ah.......................(puts one hand on hip while curling lip and slowly bending knees) ..thank you." And I should add that the thank you is wheezed out of my lungs on an exhale. Then as you walk away I think "I probably did that ok. I think that went well." Only to have my wife say "What the hell was that? That was really-really-weird." Trust me. You get to peruse my life from a far but I have to live as this mess 24-7.</div>
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Ok lets belly up to the table and snack.</div>
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Isn't that cute? (That is a rhetorical question. You needn't answer it. They are tiny burgers. Of course they are cute. No not sliders. Sliders are bull sh!t. Hey buddy, how about you put down the tiny 4 sandwiches and you commit to a natural sized sandwich. Is that really so crazy? Well, lets go further down the sandwich rabbit hole and acknowledge that you are eating a sandwich sitting down. Yeah. The sandwich was invented for workers to eat on the go. That is the only purpose of stupid bread. What is stupid bread? It is every bread. You don't need to eat so much bread. You don't. How about this: cut two slices of cake and put sandwich fixings between them and eat it while looking at yourself in the mirror. Yeah, I don't even have a point. But if you did that please take a picture. That is one picture of someone in a bathroom mirror that I would care to see. Side note: Anytime I see a picture of someone, that they themselves took, in a bathroom mirror I only think about how sad and lonely they must be to make this visual cry for attention and put it on the internet. At least if you were eating a cake sandwich we could laugh together.)<br />
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Yes, those are cute burgers. This first snack was a gift from our friend Mel who saw this at a store and thought that I should have it. I know. She is awesome. Evan, her son is a fan of the blog. (Well, he will be. Right now he is busy with teething and limited arm and leg movements but if I know anything about child development it is that reading is just around the corner.) Anytime a friend gives me a snack for this creative outlet it is the biggest compliment. It is like saying "Here- I welcome your weekly distraction and would like for you to make fun of this." I will oblige to the best of my ability every time.<br />
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(A non-weird as possible Thank You. To each and every one of you. *Wife included. Hi wife!)<br />
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So here we see on the back . . . I have no idea what is happening here. On the right I am pretty sure that is a breakdown of what this snack is. The top sentence says "On top there is a bun." and the bottom sentence reads "We really like how that looked so we followed suit with a bun also down here. You know, balance and feng shui and what not.?." (I really like how casual they are being about the art form that is feng shui. "You know, this and that, feng shui and stuff..whateves.)<br />
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Now what the Every Burger is saying on the right is a total mystery to me. "As the spokes burger for Every Burger I would like to call attention to our cause EAT THE RICH!!!!" Ok, That might not be what it says but the burger has a point. I mean rich people eat foie gras because it is the liver of a duck or goose that has been specially fattened. Seems to me those specially fattened rich people would be pretty tasty. I like what this burger is saying or not saying at all. Lets see if there are clues inside.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrmX9mH7pTvyndfR6VjxgEa88C5w7ZoEmZuDAkiyn4rsQI2_H-6U3tIJZy_rP7AQjrAXlGV7taDngjwgMgxC4WzCIxAxivYax9Gpcg_lkcTLkliplJSGOPj0y8G6Zv8fmTr__KHh_RbT-G/s1600/burger+top+image.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrmX9mH7pTvyndfR6VjxgEa88C5w7ZoEmZuDAkiyn4rsQI2_H-6U3tIJZy_rP7AQjrAXlGV7taDngjwgMgxC4WzCIxAxivYax9Gpcg_lkcTLkliplJSGOPj0y8G6Zv8fmTr__KHh_RbT-G/s320/burger+top+image.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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WTF? Is that a hotdog? No I think it is a regular sized burger providing tutelage for the diminutive Every Burger. Something like "It isn't the size of the dog in the fight! It is the fear of the brutal owner who trains his dog through horrid tests of both mind and strength which in turn create the perfect canine killing machine just like in that Jet Li movie where Bob Hoskins trains him to fight and Jet Li has to wear a dog collar and what?? Oh yes, it was called "Unleashed. Thanks Henry-the burger not seen in the picture because he was taking the picture. " That movie sucked."<br />
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Or it is just a cartoon diagram of what this product is which is two sweetened wheat crackers with a patty of fudge in the middle. See! (Wait. What is that orange stuff? I know it is supposed to look like cheese. I am guessing that it is frosting.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTa5YxVEvMyXSp8BHr__GVbbi2k0GXy2yj9Y043aaOkXDEqwmDIDuAp-bZJRn5bQ1bEfHwWpxubl007WErhyQ_h9_yagSPxwDGd38W7HDQou93lR8Zkuekgj3ocoHfw2-sepoB7WwN4njT/s1600/burger+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTa5YxVEvMyXSp8BHr__GVbbi2k0GXy2yj9Y043aaOkXDEqwmDIDuAp-bZJRn5bQ1bEfHwWpxubl007WErhyQ_h9_yagSPxwDGd38W7HDQou93lR8Zkuekgj3ocoHfw2-sepoB7WwN4njT/s320/burger+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Come on. They even have tiny little sesame seeds on the buns. Adorable. How does it taste?<br />
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Just like a tiny, slightly fluffier Chips Ahoy cookie. You know. That sweet and cheap store bought cookie? That flavor that most store bought cookies have. Like that. Maybe a bit closer to a less crunchy Pocky but you get the idea. Do I wish that it was supposed to taste like a cheese burger? Yes. The silver lining on the situation is that I didn't have to vomit after trying it. So far this post is vomit free.<br />
Nice.<br />
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I give this snack a 3.5-I like the way your beard frames your face. Not a lot of grandmas are willing to rock that look-out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIh-Abt-kLLDNN60RTwoWfNJSz9FfEeas9ZV9Rm9VqaACgv0aHS6lZ_H_64HSt1FRgC1A2X0dx1Uvnb8FFYBT5iY7QlgPCVYt7JSVyOooy0RlvPAW5ehBrRpwMiAP7Ko4WyX222RUoaxLC/s1600/4+cheese+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIh-Abt-kLLDNN60RTwoWfNJSz9FfEeas9ZV9Rm9VqaACgv0aHS6lZ_H_64HSt1FRgC1A2X0dx1Uvnb8FFYBT5iY7QlgPCVYt7JSVyOooy0RlvPAW5ehBrRpwMiAP7Ko4WyX222RUoaxLC/s320/4+cheese+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Alright, next we have a four cheese chip made by Frito Lay in Japan. I ordered this snack from Tokyo because I thought the name was cute and because I didn't think there were 4 cheeses in Japan.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhOuW8IW4GNcUPEIjCzeMPc6i-muic-Il_tnNeJbfuZK_rYeewtsrs8geMCkE5ae6OuJkq0ZgICrjnLd99STktpei6JKWK-_pRH2qqOmnMMuu1XYMqw3bboBhwhexk1g63Zgr7MebObPA2/s1600/4+chees+close+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhOuW8IW4GNcUPEIjCzeMPc6i-muic-Il_tnNeJbfuZK_rYeewtsrs8geMCkE5ae6OuJkq0ZgICrjnLd99STktpei6JKWK-_pRH2qqOmnMMuu1XYMqw3bboBhwhexk1g63Zgr7MebObPA2/s320/4+chees+close+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Oh, Cheese Snack For Cheese Lover. How silly your name sounds. I guess if Americans are going to make sushi that is total crap than they should get a crack at cheese flavored snacks. (I am not sure if America invented cheese snacks. I am pretty confident that we didn't but we would probably win a war against whomever did. A cheese war. Lets start making fondue guns and cheddar tanks and do this! With how liberal "war" is being attached to tv shows i.e. Storage Wars, Parking Wars, Cupcake Wars. I am surprised that stores haven't changed coupons to strategies for war on cheese and other sandwich conspirators. 2 for 1 Fruity Pebbles-Declaration of execution! All Hillshire Farm meats dated 5-19-2012 must be eradicated.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil6s0pIV5FYsxRo83ETLXCneg5FXHHD0s03LIbImPs60T7veWaVUMpYUQ17YeY_XEDPk0_jjx6ZYD_gwGWKo22K2ETVnhuqjipExL79rWQHoTYVU9N2kNYPf6TcEHvhqhHXbPs889J7Z0o/s1600/4+cheese+back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil6s0pIV5FYsxRo83ETLXCneg5FXHHD0s03LIbImPs60T7veWaVUMpYUQ17YeY_XEDPk0_jjx6ZYD_gwGWKo22K2ETVnhuqjipExL79rWQHoTYVU9N2kNYPf6TcEHvhqhHXbPs889J7Z0o/s320/4+cheese+back.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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So here we can see the breakdown of the four cheeses. First we have Parmesan. Ok that seems logical. That would add some salt and nutty-ness to the equation. Second down the line we have Mozzarella which sounds like it would be Morrissey's favorite cheese. (See what I did there? His nick name is Mozz. Or is it Motts. Like the apple sauce...I think the first one.) So that would add some creamy kinda thing to the jamboree. Third we have cream cheese. Wait. What? Seriously? Cream cheese? OH good. I can't be the only person that thinks cream cheese shouldn't even count as cheese. Oh you disagree? Ok then remind me of the last time you ordered a cheese plate and the best thing on there was the cream cheese. You can't because the only time that would happen is if McDonalds started serving cheese plates. It would have american cheese, cream cheese, and Doritos. Cream cheese is a joke that people use to make a bagel not be the driest 5 servings of bread you ever ate. BREAD AGAIN!<br />
Lastly we have Mascarpone cheese. It seems to me that they are trying to class it up at the end there after whoring around with cream cheese. I am not impressed. You had your chance cheese snack for cheese lover. You blew it.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaU7kUyQKZqm54Vs4SQJpCR4x3A64ymh9fBRa3MKtQcgDTPtqH8bZ1_4jvIFsJIDhyphenhyphen8hGCgr0QNqur5hqHQNVbmkpKYqODW5fOfpGI2-aq1EPFSqDKVegy_Bhl5dYz_Z-4Q2kav7dhA0_K/s1600/4+cheese+weird+lady.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaU7kUyQKZqm54Vs4SQJpCR4x3A64ymh9fBRa3MKtQcgDTPtqH8bZ1_4jvIFsJIDhyphenhyphen8hGCgr0QNqur5hqHQNVbmkpKYqODW5fOfpGI2-aq1EPFSqDKVegy_Bhl5dYz_Z-4Q2kav7dhA0_K/s320/4+cheese+weird+lady.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Wait again. What is she doing here? Is that a personal ad? Is she the illusive cheese lover? Did she win a cheese contest and her reward was Frito Lay bestowed upon her a specially designed cheese snack? I don't know but I hope so. If you look at the bottom of her box....(BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry.) She runs some kind of blog. I went to it. Couldn't read it but she posts under cuty-bunny. Yeah. She is a grown up woman. Cuty-bunny? Get over yourself.<br />
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http://cheese.exblog.jp/<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsC7fUAz7qazqd5OHXeUnkUATbuOnTXyOwN4WABC2980tBeE8GBJ7OAMOZBhDjeHQNuU_s0CJXTpquuktxhX9cp1B7Maptez84iGGgiPsijEImcMyq0l10LniiRxyhOq1d88p4nOs6WDRb/s1600/4+cheese+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsC7fUAz7qazqd5OHXeUnkUATbuOnTXyOwN4WABC2980tBeE8GBJ7OAMOZBhDjeHQNuU_s0CJXTpquuktxhX9cp1B7Maptez84iGGgiPsijEImcMyq0l10LniiRxyhOq1d88p4nOs6WDRb/s320/4+cheese+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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It looks like your average cheese chip right? Well it smells weird. Have you ever noticed that a cats feet smell like tortilla chips? No? Well they do. Fact checked. Seriously go check. Go pick up your cat and smell its feet. Well, one foot is probably enough. Don't have a cat? Try out the neighbors! They won't mind. Chances are they have wanted to talk to you about that for years and didn't know how to bring it up.<br />
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Where was I? Oh yes, these chips smell like cat feet. If the cat feet had stepped in sweet cheese dust or had a terrible infection of some sort. (Whoa, almost made myself sick there. Foot infections will do that.) Did you know that Jared Leto got gout in his foot from gaining all those pounds for that movie Chapter 27 that nobody saw? He was good in it. My point is that these chips smell like Jared Leto's foot did then. Not My So Called Life Jared Leto. Those feet smelled of angel whispers and unicorn winks. Jared Leto's gout foot. Lets move on to taste right?<br />
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Ugh. Oh NO. Ack. It tastes sweet at first. Like sweet corn. Then the crappy cheese powder melts on your tongue and all hell breaks loose in your mouth. It is like I am having a party in my mouth but I only invited regret and remorse, both of which have food poisoning and the toilet is broken. Whew. This cheese lover must be the target of a ruse. This is bad.<br />
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The flavor is just too sweet and the aroma is a mix of human decomp and more human decomp. Overall this is the most off putting chip that I have tried ever. Maybe ever. I can honestly say that they missed the mark here unless that is what they were going for in which case I am guessing they also keep their dead mother in their basement and parade around in their victim's skins.<br />
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I give this snack a 0-I like your haircut. I think it is nice that people with special needs are given work.-out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbHzn_bY8vk22js87WCIIv6mOXopOwBjsZNaufxbiBrkBrdS0w8OAgjY9wmUnNyK9fbzSkYU1GPaooXRWmDeYSaIEjXQgpTJbMLC558k-NjGRZky-hPn36f3nBPRQRU0vT5Qh4vj_vst8N/s1600/long+chip+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbHzn_bY8vk22js87WCIIv6mOXopOwBjsZNaufxbiBrkBrdS0w8OAgjY9wmUnNyK9fbzSkYU1GPaooXRWmDeYSaIEjXQgpTJbMLC558k-NjGRZky-hPn36f3nBPRQRU0vT5Qh4vj_vst8N/s320/long+chip+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Lastly we have Long Potato Chips. These are long potato chips. Look at that dude eating a chip at arms length away. (The picture is a lie. The only person who could do that is Cee lo.) See they could have tried to come up with a catchy name "SKIS- The only chip big enough to ski on." "Average penis length chip." (That is a good one.) (Except how horrible would it be to find out that you are under average by putting your penis on a chip. That is a poor use for a penis and a waste of a chip.) "Subway sandwich size chip." (That one needs some work but also it is true.) Alas they decide to go with the direct approach.<br />
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Long Potato chips.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL8rmfzHhyphenhyphenqkrpao83pAQxXFnqXx1T5V2WVf6NMCPSReL2aKxmCFHWoqNd3AYjVC3Vp3jGBa-_JnyXpi5xQ6qtm3l9XQVI3VOIJnulndCt7qDassLDu0EbLe8ML5qsY-AWqn9gkxWFzgF5/s1600/long+chip+open.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhL8rmfzHhyphenhyphenqkrpao83pAQxXFnqXx1T5V2WVf6NMCPSReL2aKxmCFHWoqNd3AYjVC3Vp3jGBa-_JnyXpi5xQ6qtm3l9XQVI3VOIJnulndCt7qDassLDu0EbLe8ML5qsY-AWqn9gkxWFzgF5/s320/long+chip+open.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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So I found these at our local russian meat smoking place. Overseas Taste. I had seen them and couldn't get them out of my mind so Sarah and I went back and I bought them. Weird fact: The plain kind of the same product which came in a plain brown wrapper was 79 cents. This one with the illustration was a dollar 99. I had to get the one with the funny picture but at what price? Oh I told you that already. That price and also the price of flavor. These are bacon and onion. Oh man. After that last chip I would much rather have another Every Burger. I knew I should have saved Every Burger for last. Oh well. Here we go.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnp5gGgEkOwFRwvs0u8ArV6TejfKFtL_5z8Suma2zZIQVX81uSjyxhrkgCkeu3u-QIMdl0EZKEKzfDts6kQ8Iaj46EJVp9C7Hgfbu-SZlwbYOeHTFytCxySLTtEJq2MWBJA9lJCBu9rziq/s1600/long+chip+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnp5gGgEkOwFRwvs0u8ArV6TejfKFtL_5z8Suma2zZIQVX81uSjyxhrkgCkeu3u-QIMdl0EZKEKzfDts6kQ8Iaj46EJVp9C7Hgfbu-SZlwbYOeHTFytCxySLTtEJq2MWBJA9lJCBu9rziq/s320/long+chip+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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It smells of old cardboard. Most likely because that is what it is packaged in. It feels kind of like an even more processed Pringles. (If that is a reality.) Now for the taste test.<br />
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AH! Ugh. Orp. Urf. No!<br />
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To be honest, I have just brushed my teeth. Here is the moment by moment breakdown. I lifted the waving chip up to my mouth. My brain said "Smells like cardboard. We are eating cardboard now? Why didn't I get that memo? Nobody CCs me on anything. Does stomach know?" I bit into the chip and my mouth replied "Hand? Why are you inserting cardboard into the mouth loading zone. There is no scheduled cardboard delivery into this orifice." To which my hand replied "I am out of here!" and retreated. Leaving a chunk of the long chip in my mouth. My mouth then said "Sh!t. What am I supposed to do with this? Hey eyes, are we near a hole or a body of water so I can eject this piece of debris? Hand is acting like a total ass right now." Eyes shouted back " Nope. We are in our home. In the kitchen. I don't want to tell you how to do your job but there is a sink nearby." Mouth responded "I appreciate your level of professionalism eyes. On second thought, there isn't much in here so teeth and i are going to try and break it down and let throat do its thang." "I mean thing." "Sorry thang." Then a voice distant from mouth called out "The names Wang not thang."<br />
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At that moment my teeth attempted to bite into the thin chip. I thought it would be easy but the chip fought back, lodging itself into my teeth. The flavor was of dust and despair. Cardboard, dust, dead moths, skull nostrils. Yeah, this chip tasted like if you licked the wall of those bone catacombs. It was horrible. I can't even tell you accurately how awful it was. My taste buds said "F-this! Eject!!!! Eject!!!" and throat said "I always side with taste buds. It shall not pass!!!!" So I had one choice and that was spit it out into the sink. The thing was that the chip had glued itself to my teeth and the chemical bacon and onion flavor was seeping out. I washed and rinsed with water but it was no use. Whatever this chip is made of it is pure evil. So I had no choice. I brushed. I usually advise people to try the things I review on here. Not this time. This "chip" gets a 0-You wear that print well. You know on some people it would highlight their imperfections but not on you. It compliments them-out of 5.dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-21771510671535549652012-05-23T22:11:00.003-07:002012-05-23T22:14:15.108-07:00.FooRd BlooRg. Goth Drinks?....(sigh)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
"Ever since I can remember I have sensed evil lurking around every corner and in every smile." -ME</div>
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Nothing like a little self love to kick it off right? (That isn't what I meant...Oh man, this is going all sideways already. (sigh)) My point is something I have touched on before. There are things or ways of being that reside in people forever. There are punks that will always be punk to some degree. It is a deep well within them that loves The Dead Kennedys and giving people the middle finger. This is just how things are. Me? I will always be an industrial-goth-kid. I am not ashamed of it. What does that entail you ask? Well, I don't paint my face white and cry in my fishnets but I do love The Cure (pre fat Bob) Cocteau Twins, Clan of Xymox, This Mortal Coil, etc... And by and large I feel like most of this world is unnecessary and utterly ridiculous. The industrial side of me loves Throbbing Gristle , Ministry, Chemlab, 16volt, Funker Vogt, and Combichrist. I might not be wearing a work shirt and Docs but believe me I am bitter pretty often. In my opinion, one needs the goth side for emotional depth and the industrial side to move more in their life and wallow less. I would say I am 80/20 : industrial to goth ratio.</div>
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I recently watched a sub par documentary about the beginning of industrial music and one total idiot said that listening to Nine Inch Nails "The downward spiral" is devastating.... Really? Frat boy? Better go listen to Cake or Limp Biquick. (Frat guys are like way into baking, right?) If you are aware and even comfortable that evil exists than dark things are less jarring and depressing. Hell. They aren't even dark anymore. Which I think is more healthy and realistic. Basically what I am saying is that there are people who go to a park and think "What a great place." and there are those of us (wearing spf 50 at least) who think "Why are we outside and just think about all the lurid things that happen here at night."</div>
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What was my point? Oh yes, we are talking about drinks today and they are black. (Like my heart. sigh) So goth drinks it is. HERE WE GO!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu9Phf0IdDdtLChadiy1-esJu9q6v2SCZVySB-y5wAAbnpwhm9hkGa2LkqRSZLqD4BgkkGIKUlr2pt4bxRH-zGTnXY03R5Q-cqCD7pud9A82_bG_13olVOsospUoBY3190NqhW0bqL3TdM/s1600/frizz+top.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu9Phf0IdDdtLChadiy1-esJu9q6v2SCZVySB-y5wAAbnpwhm9hkGa2LkqRSZLqD4BgkkGIKUlr2pt4bxRH-zGTnXY03R5Q-cqCD7pud9A82_bG_13olVOsospUoBY3190NqhW0bqL3TdM/s320/frizz+top.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Alright. What we have here is Frizz Coffee. I don't do a lot of these bottled coffee drinks because most of them contain sugar or worse-cream. I like my coffee black. (Like my heart. (sigh)) That being said, I haven't had this one yet and I was buying some other things from this international grocery on Stark street here in PDX. They sometimes have some pretty good items and this time I found three drinks. This being the first.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipymfS9QXIdNajtwZ1pK4mBUEkD3LQLTNw1gqd9mi_LhmWRR-FLJYc8Si2cTK51jePGAQFpha2srIw9EQ6fp9Eyx73fpiklxXLwu9-ANxiUPbGnL7ER7Pl_eWEvmwP1WzFqeXzUadLNG0l/s1600/frizz+cola+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipymfS9QXIdNajtwZ1pK4mBUEkD3LQLTNw1gqd9mi_LhmWRR-FLJYc8Si2cTK51jePGAQFpha2srIw9EQ6fp9Eyx73fpiklxXLwu9-ANxiUPbGnL7ER7Pl_eWEvmwP1WzFqeXzUadLNG0l/s320/frizz+cola+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Sarah tried all of these as well and described this weeks post as her least favorite yet. Sounds promising right? Well the thing is- neither of us drink soda. I know that sounds almost unamerican. (spell check is telling me that isn't a word which in turn is so very American.)<br />
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S- Whoa. Way too sweet. It tastes like carbonated chocolate milk.<br />
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d-I almost like the bubbles but it is just far too sweet.<br />
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Fascinating, yes? Look at how many ounces it is. Yeah, it is a tiny bottle. We drank about an ounce each before calling it a day. How sad is that. I didn't even sneak drink it because it said coffee on it. (That says a lot)<br />
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So to recap: If sweet coffee drinks are your thing then by all means drink this. (The first ingriedient is sugar and coffee is second.) Also today I walked into a bathroom that smelled like freshly popped buttered popcorn. I almost threw up. Lets be honest, nobody had popcorn in that bathroom. What were we recapping?<br />
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I give this snack a 2- tombstones out of 5, (I am talking about the pizza. (not...sigh.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV0G-6ssxPqibYj5ChE0-CDvjdXQFuGoyy1NLT6UkKu8YeczUYP6UC7ZF0nxr11H8HB7iPE3YNrz6RMpVQT2Fv9QR-2gpJi2E2-PyRFUZNxRiIdDyaNYrMLHcpjTd-kbNl3q4y2fveE_0z/s1600/fentamins+top.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV0G-6ssxPqibYj5ChE0-CDvjdXQFuGoyy1NLT6UkKu8YeczUYP6UC7ZF0nxr11H8HB7iPE3YNrz6RMpVQT2Fv9QR-2gpJi2E2-PyRFUZNxRiIdDyaNYrMLHcpjTd-kbNl3q4y2fveE_0z/s320/fentamins+top.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Oh Fentimans, how I love your little cute drink bottles. So old timey. Usually so delicious. (This above angle is to show how cute the bottle is. It also makes me feel really tall. Which never happens.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9apxMSDLg3OJkk9p_lczkCLPedn1GG0vx56pC8_yeyNOseiM0NTzEfW_ELRqPq82xhSe3F2tti8vM519PpZk_kpktjDx_apQJupBNEQxfDu_ejOq87AclBKhcFYWrUdciod2whAhoHhun/s1600/fentimins+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9apxMSDLg3OJkk9p_lczkCLPedn1GG0vx56pC8_yeyNOseiM0NTzEfW_ELRqPq82xhSe3F2tti8vM519PpZk_kpktjDx_apQJupBNEQxfDu_ejOq87AclBKhcFYWrUdciod2whAhoHhun/s320/fentimins+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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So here is an intriguing CherryTree Cola. I won't retype all the goodies in it so go on and give that label a gander. Sounds pretty awesome right? I thought so. My only problem is that I bought this so long ago that I have no idea where I got it. This drink post got super pushed back because I kept getting another and another weird thing I wanted to share first.<br />
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S- Yum. This is really good. I really like that fermented ginger root. This is my favorite of all the drinks by far.<br />
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d-The ginger really anchors the cola flavor which is lightened by the cherry's inherent sweetness. (That is not what I said. I said MMMMMM. But it is all true nonetheless.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgICOH2Vki_EpIRK_cNpG5XM1m49QkdPNEUMljOha3jYYWhGmz94Tb3yEDkiVxyTENoBsNbFnA00Au2VMyJs-TrkxhPipn0H9iLB7r4yG2ZtwxuzRXM_5lJKrFLTr9I5qRI9cpbUaQPgA-j/s1600/fentamins+back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgICOH2Vki_EpIRK_cNpG5XM1m49QkdPNEUMljOha3jYYWhGmz94Tb3yEDkiVxyTENoBsNbFnA00Au2VMyJs-TrkxhPipn0H9iLB7r4yG2ZtwxuzRXM_5lJKrFLTr9I5qRI9cpbUaQPgA-j/s320/fentamins+back.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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I included this picture of all the ingredients in a blurry photo. My god, how much more professional could I possibly be? Sweet angle as well. I should be one of d'em image catchers!!! (sigh)<br />
This was a fabulous drink though. If you are even slightly intrigued then I would say buy it. I give this drink a 5-google search goths in trees, trust me-out of 5.<br />
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This drink was found at that aforementioned international grocery on Stark. It caught my eye and I thought that since the weather was getting better maybe a lemonade would be nice. (It also has a skull on it and skulls are scary.-sigh)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgix7V_UgY9vYSKnQgf7g-rEhzrBWaBonEyT-Nl0Y30TPk5vFRxEjdWqHr5BvsjS7U0Y79zZuzfhZzbwmVolIk5M_VJqWrZwcqoD7Utrvj38zefJ70JojYHD-nvs65U2wZ7oN5dU4lFWLSd/s1600/lemonad04.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgix7V_UgY9vYSKnQgf7g-rEhzrBWaBonEyT-Nl0Y30TPk5vFRxEjdWqHr5BvsjS7U0Y79zZuzfhZzbwmVolIk5M_VJqWrZwcqoD7Utrvj38zefJ70JojYHD-nvs65U2wZ7oN5dU4lFWLSd/s320/lemonad04.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Ok. This just got a bit odd. I mean I get that they are going for a joke here but I prefer to imagine someone peer pressuring rabbits to drink black lemonade. The bunnies then trying to play it cool before blowing carrots and black lemonade everywhere. Crying shameful bunny tears. I mean they just wanted to belong. Somewhere. Anywhere.<br />
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. . .What. . . were . . . .we....Oh yeah.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeH9g37TzHO78Y4Fa-6PzbNallGEReLx6GIyXY3xe0Xu1GINUY5E1tiiVj32ctSCpTpicUx1iWJBWFF6cftFYyy71Odav0jUNl0tItHEdZDGzzeGysgpjzytNtasGY-uQc1OEo4jlYM888/s1600/lemonade01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeH9g37TzHO78Y4Fa-6PzbNallGEReLx6GIyXY3xe0Xu1GINUY5E1tiiVj32ctSCpTpicUx1iWJBWFF6cftFYyy71Odav0jUNl0tItHEdZDGzzeGysgpjzytNtasGY-uQc1OEo4jlYM888/s320/lemonade01.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Ok, lemonade. Now you are getting a little too comfortable with our relationship. You are just a bonehead! You are the one thinking that people want to drink black lemonade. Which Sarah noticed is actually blue. In your bonehead face.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn-CA9FMenopPpt8cCeYo1OvOSNG-289GajkJYfD7804BEAic2cu4BX5r7ZbDDmGnqdOYBP-qcGvA10uvBPg_sRJT9Vn2MQ-7nN1LHhafObt-bod2gYrYd2oCYjdfIieQPYjT0ZxNVq3ZI/s1600/lemonade02.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn-CA9FMenopPpt8cCeYo1OvOSNG-289GajkJYfD7804BEAic2cu4BX5r7ZbDDmGnqdOYBP-qcGvA10uvBPg_sRJT9Vn2MQ-7nN1LHhafObt-bod2gYrYd2oCYjdfIieQPYjT0ZxNVq3ZI/s320/lemonade02.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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What? Ok, two things here. One: No. You can't have me for life. You are trying way too hard. Two: You honestly thought "I better trademark that sweet ass skull and cross bones drawing!" You think that someone giving the opportunity to use anyones skull and crossbones that they would choose yours? I have seen better skulls drawn by children. Dead children. (sigh...too goth?)Now back to the trying too hard part. You know when you see a kid and all of his clothes are from Hot Topic. Like he really looks the scene. I feel the same way about those people as I do about this drink. You are trying to hard. It isn't about all that stuff on you. I get that you want people to think you are different. Great job. You've proved that all those people who's opinions don't matter to you DO in fact matter to you. Now quit wasting your parents money on glitter belts and lenore stickers and get a job at Wetzels Pretzels. Make something of yourself. (or at least give free lemonade to the mall goth girls. Maybe then they will notice you.-sigh.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkRuIK58F1_ieh-MeRDFfw4vSu6jkASbF5Ja2pCJoQHsJGyTv7y6BrQ6jgo_IRIRfFQBHCc6rCS5cmNYg0NPfEV40hnEYhOgjuh8BAfqOfRK0DMiqTRPrzERlG6YEceGQUU2k6QaU9Z-92/s1600/lemonade03.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkRuIK58F1_ieh-MeRDFfw4vSu6jkASbF5Ja2pCJoQHsJGyTv7y6BrQ6jgo_IRIRfFQBHCc6rCS5cmNYg0NPfEV40hnEYhOgjuh8BAfqOfRK0DMiqTRPrzERlG6YEceGQUU2k6QaU9Z-92/s320/lemonade03.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Ahhh. There is more? No this is your way out!!! You crappy novelty beverage.<br />
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S- Ugh. Tastes bad. This tastes like boogers.<br />
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d-Ugh. It tastes like bad lemon cleaner.<br />
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This is not a good product. Normally I try to make a joke but also recommend you try these things for yourself. Not today. Not here. This thing is all packaging and that isn't even great. The best part was pouring it down the drain. That looked kinda pretty. I give this drink a 0- we are all dying....constantly radiating decay (sigh)-out of 5.<br />
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*I forgot what she said this tasted like so when I woke her up from her nap to ask her, in a daze she gestured toward her nostril. So she doesn't eat boogers. That is my point.<br />
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S- (after waking from nap.) I said it tasted like stomach bile.<br />
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d-Oh yeah. It sure did taste like throw up.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicXLnBAPUvPXXfew_-GlbSExWv5ZzztInh71O78IBx-ZM6audjR2XN2H8jX1ditUVQrWYDBik7kMACkLJYVRY3xmbHV47WkPvq-d9W_HzewlABzd1hB4VpHvaGlLOHe5ZQdVWrT9GLAYxH/s1600/chai+cola+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicXLnBAPUvPXXfew_-GlbSExWv5ZzztInh71O78IBx-ZM6audjR2XN2H8jX1ditUVQrWYDBik7kMACkLJYVRY3xmbHV47WkPvq-d9W_HzewlABzd1hB4VpHvaGlLOHe5ZQdVWrT9GLAYxH/s320/chai+cola+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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I had to get this. First of all the label is really eye catching. Chai Cola? Are you kidding me? Yes please. (about the soda not the kidding) Tell me more.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOEYIl9kFhVoq4d6VFlHyoMdNsFwzE6QIMHL-zpQETc-Oithaat1ZPQS34RJmeDu8Q7d_gioq4V-VNWMNB1szkLaKztsWRRaSjTVrpL_RqSQa7XlIpXuI5FXNVkSLKh3Vu51VtZeA3_ELX/s1600/chai+cola+side.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOEYIl9kFhVoq4d6VFlHyoMdNsFwzE6QIMHL-zpQETc-Oithaat1ZPQS34RJmeDu8Q7d_gioq4V-VNWMNB1szkLaKztsWRRaSjTVrpL_RqSQa7XlIpXuI5FXNVkSLKh3Vu51VtZeA3_ELX/s320/chai+cola+side.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Ok. Now the back here is a tad too hippy for my likes. That being said I am still very excited to try it.<br />
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S- Oh. This is pretty good.<br />
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d-I like this but it doesn't seem very bubbly.<br />
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S-I think it tastes bubbly. I wish I had some whisky to mix it with.<br />
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d-Maybe it is the teas that are mellowing the sharpness of the effervescence...or not. I like the flavor but I can't drink more than maybe 2-3 ounces of it. Not that it is bad it isn't but I am not a soda person.<br />
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S-Do I have any whisky?<br />
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d-(looks)<br />
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S-I don't. I know. (sad face.)<br />
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We give this beverage a 4.5-How is it weird to be pale but pumpkin colored people walking around is completely normal?-out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDI2zqNx6TdGOUubQz6DNcUFTWpyZEdopy9FL39ld73HtGLTEFskEpE5oXyzlFI2ViyJeeCm-Jt-_VjPN8KtBwAcbsFcXLTdovMlr27BXjTl9QOAWALbZj9rJPpEeFqDruE3_0Sbs3SWix/s1600/chai+cola+ingried.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDI2zqNx6TdGOUubQz6DNcUFTWpyZEdopy9FL39ld73HtGLTEFskEpE5oXyzlFI2ViyJeeCm-Jt-_VjPN8KtBwAcbsFcXLTdovMlr27BXjTl9QOAWALbZj9rJPpEeFqDruE3_0Sbs3SWix/s320/chai+cola+ingried.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Oh snap. Did I use the "capturing sasquatch" lens on Instagram? No. Sadly I just really suck at taking pictures. Also I made that joke before. Also I am too lazy to even remove that joke so I just keep hammering away on the keyboard as if to create distance between me and that moment. Ugh. Well that ends this lovely little post. Wow. Not to be too goth but this has to have been my least enjoyable post ever. Stay tuned next week! Maybe this blog will just become a goth food blog. Just recipes that involve pills and smoking cloves. See you on the other side.<br />
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*How many sighs did you count?dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-37366050489989835412012-05-16T20:18:00.001-07:002012-05-16T20:18:58.511-07:00.FooRd BlooRg. Chocolorts revenge.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Spring is here. Time to pick some flowers..(Oh my god. That is the worst intro ever. Can we just look at that for a second. Both of us just hold this moment. Ugh. It feels gross doesn't it? I deleted a heavy intro about women vs. men and the difficulty of not being overly masculine (overly? You say.) and that is the intro you get? Yes. I am sorry. I am trying to not be so heavy handed in the intro. So lets just pretend that those two short piddly sentences are just great comedy gold. How about you laugh really loud and it will make me feel better. Just pretend that this post started with me saying:</div>
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Anytime I see a person hang-gliding I assume that they are a time traveller from 1982.</div>
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You see less smiles at a craft fair than at a goth night.</div>
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I am pretty sure the inventor of high fives would view "punching it in" the same way Beethoven would view Kid Rock. #Bullsh!t.</div>
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Wishing wells are casinos for the amish.</div>
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Sure when you eat it you call it Asparagus but when you pee it becomes despair-a-gross. #Am I right?</div>
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My gym hated my promotional idea: Win a free month by guessing how many farts are in the yoga studio.</div>
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(I know. Cheap move to recycle things I have posted on Twitter. But get used to it because the 1-5 scale is all them sum b!tches)</div>
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So today we are sitting down to eat some chocolates yet again. Sarah is going to be helping me out here so lets get to it.</div>
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First up we have a Japanese Kit Kat. Incase you don't know "sakura" is cherry blossom and "maccha" is a finely ground green tea powder and a "latte" is gross. I mean it is a coffee drink made with steamed milk or soy milk....and it is gross. (Jk. But seriously I don't like cream or milk in my coffee. It isn't my thing.)<br />
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What a cute box these six tiny expensive Kit Kat sticks come in. I mean look at that little flap. Obviously the person who designed it doesn't understand how keys work but that is ok.<br />
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Looks pretty good right? Well here is the break down:<br />
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S-Hmm. It tastes like a condensed milk Kit Kat. I don't get any rose in aroma or taste.<br />
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d- I get no rose at all. This is pretty close to a non-chocolate Kit Kat.<br />
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I wish we could expand on that but honestly that is how long we "enjoyed" this snack. I was expecting strong rose flavor or heavy green tea taste but what they delivered on here is that milk. That lovely latte milk. No thanks. Shame on you Japan. I give this snack a 2-It would seem to me that Tracy Chapman would be great at Nascar commentary#YouDriveAFastCar-out of 5.<br />
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Sarah found this for me. As I have said before: these expensive chocolate bars can be quite tricky. They seem to bloat the packaging with as many buzzwords in an attempt to hook a yuppie into spending 8 bucks or whatever. (Also who let that jester into the tea room? That clown is going to break something or defile the finger sandwiches. You know he is.)<br />
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Blah blah blah.....Hold up. Skip down to the second paragraph. Read those first two sentences. Now if you aren't the least bit creeped out by that than this chocolate is for you. No. You can't argue. If you are into that than you are weird. Like cat lady fashion blogger weird. Like frog statue collecting weird. Like you smell like off cheese weird. You get the point.<br />
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Well it looks unassuming. Here is the breakdown:<br />
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S-It smells like a delicious chai. It tastes like a delicious chai. Good chocolate with great flavor. (She went back for seconds....Personally I bet she will finish it tonight.)<br />
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d-Oh yeah. Super good. Really nice chai flavor. Wow. Delivers 100% as promised. Hot damn.<br />
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If you like chocolate and or chai then you deserve this. It is great. I kind of want to make smores out of it. I also kind of want to drink an espresso but if I am awake I want to drink an espresso. I give this snack a 5-If you answer anything with "nunya" I will stab you in the throat. Not because you are a terrible person (also true) but because it is my kill word.-out of 5.<br />
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Ok.Remember when we ate chocolate that had beef and cheese in it? Well we did and this also hails from Neapolitan Chocolates. Rose-berry? Come on! How adorable is that? It sounds like a kid with a head cold is saying "rosemary."<br />
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Oh geez. It is super cute. Look at that little fella.<br />
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Oh no. I cut him all up and now I have to eat his brains! (And everything else...)<br />
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S-Hmmm. It is weird because the chocolate is good but then the rose comes in and it tastes like someone spilled perfume on my chocolate.<br />
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d-Whoa. Weird. Yet again their chocolate is good. However when it finishes with the rose it is not quite enjoyable. I also don't get any berry.<br />
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S-It is the little dried raspberry or strawberry on top. Also I would like to add in all realness that if you were in the movie The Avengers that you would be THE INCREDIBLE HUNK. On the account that you are so hunktacular and hot..and strong. and dreamier than Leonardo in Romeo and Juliet. (Ok she didn't say that last part...)<br />
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d-Oh.<br />
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Ultimately this candy fell short of being amazing. Which is sad because the core of what they have going on here is solid. The chocolate is tasty and the soft center is scrumptious but sadly the rose is a no go.<br />
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I give this snack a 2-I just took an instagram of my FB, pinned it on my pinterest board and tweeted the occasion. Why am I still so empty inside? #FakeAccomplishments-out of 5.<br />
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Well that is that. Next week we have three exciting beverages. (Spoiler alert!) As always I am open to snack suggestions. Just say howdy to me on twitter: dirk_marshall or find me on the FB.(maybe not.)<br />
I wil leave you with two more tweets.<br />
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"It is so hard to ride a bike with your ho." #UrbanGardener<br />
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"Why isn't there a catholic fight club called Taberknuckle choir? #ICheckedThereIsNun<br />
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*No I didn't post this as an add for my twitter. I was sitting staring at the first two sentences on this post and thought "really? This is the memorable intro? I will just look at my twitter and maybe I will be inspired. Instead I found that I had forgotten all of these sentences I had posted. These thoughts that I had had. Pretty weird. I started one just as a place to put thoughts and not really to use a social tool. So I thought I would share it here once. Take care.dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-49502104080610436492012-05-02T21:28:00.003-07:002012-05-02T21:28:32.109-07:00.FooRd BloRg. SUCKAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!They say one is born every minute. Now I don't know who this "they" is but it has been quite awhile since only one baby was born a minute. (Not that all babies are suckers but they all kinda act like one at some point. I mean come on. Take your toes out of your mouth, baby. Hey baby, keep your mushy head away form that corner on the table. Baby! You have peas everywhere but your mouth. And you seem happy about this. Plus somebody has pooped at the dinner table. Baby, you seem like the culprit. Baby-only suckers eat where they poop. Quit being a sucker and quit all that jive talkin'. Put that binky in yo mouth and go back to trying to point at things that you lack the expressive speech to say. Baby.<br />
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Speaking of babies. Are you familiar with Mattress World? Have you seen their commercials? The whole premise involves a baby sleeping on a mattress and the jingle goes "It is NEVER to late to SLEEP like a baby! Mattress World!" Really? Never? I beg to differ Mattress World. I wage that there is a time that is to late to sleep like a baby. It is anytime you are not in fact a baby. Do you know how a baby sleeps? In a plastic bag containing no less than one bodily fluid and they wake screaming with a thirst only human breast milk can quench.<br />
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If you can read this. It is too late for you to sleep in such a way. (If that is your thing. Please, please seek help.)<br />
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Why am I talking about babies? I don't know because today is all about SUCKERS. I actually had too many so I broke them into two groups with the help of Sarah. So today we shall examine four lovely lollies and the others will have to wait awhile. I just have too many snacks. (What a problem to have.) Todays 1-5 scale is sponsored by total suckers.<br />
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This sucker is made by thischarmingcandy.com which I hope is a play off of The Smiths "This charming man." I really hope so. Sarah found this for me at crafty wonderland here in Portland. I would call this look a candy boutique look. You get the feeling that this is all done by hand in somewhat small batches. It is cute, right? I bet the 30 something office lady crowd really get a hoot out of these. Sadly we aren't just here to talk of packaging so lets get to it.<br />
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What you get upon unwrapping it is a sweet waft to vanilla. Nothing wrong with that. Vanilla is a pleasant enough smell. Upon closer nasal inspection, one can detect a light cardamom scent. If you aren't familiar with cardamom it is a spice with citrus, floral, and herbal notes. It is often used in savory dishes like curries or in sweet dishes like bread pudding. (That might not be accurate I just looked up two recipes online. I like it in curries and on cauliflower but lets face it anything helps cauliflower. Ugh. Boring. Hey cauliflower, How is boringsville occupancy YOU! )<br />
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Upon tasting it I definitely get vanilla. This sucker has a smooth mouth feel. For a moment I really like this sucker. Then comes the cardamom. I think the challenge of using cardamom is that cardamom is pretty strong. If it is dancing with you, it is leading. So how do you get is to play nice with vanilla? For me, I guess you can't because the flavor here kind of comes in waves and when it is cardamom's turn YOU KNOW IT. Cardamom never really lets the vanilla do a solo. It is always present and mostly in the spotlight. (What is with this dancing analogy? Who is the sucker now?)<br />
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I give this sucker a 2-Oh you moved to PDX from Cali and didn't know it would be grey and wet most of the year? You's a sucker!-out of 5.<br />
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Well, Mexico. Your track record is less than decent. Lets be honest-your candy mostly sucks. So I guess it makes sense that you are here in the sucker category. Here we have a SUPER pineapple and chili powder sucker. That must mean that there is an unsuper one somewhere. Well, only the best for me.... (I really am not looking forward to this.) I feel like I won a race that nobody wanted to win and now I have to eat this as a reward. Damn you Pina Loca. (Pina Loca sounds like when the bars empty out in Mexico and drunk people just pee anywhere. "That guy has his penis out and he is pina loca!"<br />
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This smells faintly of pineapple. I love how it has the indention in the center so it looks like a tiny circle of pineapple. (Great attention to detail.) Sadly is tastes like corn syrup. Sure there is a somewhat pleasant flavor of pineapple but the cheapness of the sucker gives it a weird solid rubber feel. Then comes the chili. Now I like spice. I do. But for some reason the chili in most mexican candies is just powder and it dries out my mouth and is all around grody. Technically speaking it is also icky to the max. The weird thing is, despite obvious short comings, I like this sucker at times and hate it at others. I really can't stress that enough. It is rare that something is at both ends of the spectrum. This creation is. I wouldn't buy it again even at like 30 cents.<br />
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I give this sucker a 2-If you eat at Por Que No. You are a white sucker. (Seriously, if you google where do white people eat tacos on hawthorne, Por Que No COMES UP #1) Portland has amazing authentic regional mexican food. You foolish white suckers-out of 5.<br />
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Sarah and I found this at Candy Babel here in Portland, OR. Candy Babel is a cute small candy store which is unfortunately located in the same building as a gym. The combination results in confusion as your eyes peruse delicious little candies but your nose smells horrid sweaty people. I mean it is on Alberta! For those who don't know Alberta, it is a place in PDX where men and women have beards and hairy pits and nobody showers. (*Kinda not true)(Kinda true) It is a street that feels dirty to me. An odd choice for a candy shop but i am sure rent is cheap. I recommend stopping by as the owner is nice and she imports some pretty interesting candies. Sadly there weren't signs to tell you a gummy came from Australia so unless you ask her you might miss some unassuming treats. I frankly don't even know if this rose sucker was made in PDX or from Ireland. Well, either way I have to eat it.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC9fyt-RPqP2zHomVaalH8vSEOsMd3MCfMXTruZtJMyTKoF1TRXsgToMO3Ge_ZK3_VnlQaN4de5rFO42dRk4OHeT1-q01gI0hHhpyWgzIPAH3xDAY2by1e1iOiG7JISZW-drcSF7mKObxZ/s1600/rose+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC9fyt-RPqP2zHomVaalH8vSEOsMd3MCfMXTruZtJMyTKoF1TRXsgToMO3Ge_ZK3_VnlQaN4de5rFO42dRk4OHeT1-q01gI0hHhpyWgzIPAH3xDAY2by1e1iOiG7JISZW-drcSF7mKObxZ/s320/rose+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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When you unwrap this rose sucker, you smell 2 things. 1-Plastic. 2-Grandma. A combination that shouldn't be appealing unless ,of course, you have a plastic robo-grandma who takes care of you. (*Not a real thing.) There is an art when it comes to combining rose with anything. Rose should be used as a spice almost and never the main ingredient. The reason being, it is a ROSE. Roses taste like perfume. Sure there was that rose water that I really liked but it had subtlety. Simply the smell of this makes me afraid of its lack of nuances.<br />
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The taste is just as I had feared. I wouldn't say I derived any pleasure from this sucker. In fact I found this sucker pretty offensive to my taste buds. It isn't super sweet but it is super ROSE. Sure you can see the rose petals in the sucker. Sure that is pretty. But it SURE tastes like potpourri. Ugh.<br />
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I give this snack a 1-If you put any money or attention toward terrible things like Kardashians or other rich untalented people, you are a straight up sucker. You are part of the problem.-out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjncHYrNVgMeCSfNrJ9OkDuXWS7Q4eGYBfQB5FvASEzdX-KxLNJnkiB9PQ0Fe4t94OpDLUgkAC_jCA0p-JQ9V51HO8dIERshL62J-PlCntID5zlCFp8KGkOvnw8TZ5yBRRcimv3Tm5sSY77/s1600/dumle+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjncHYrNVgMeCSfNrJ9OkDuXWS7Q4eGYBfQB5FvASEzdX-KxLNJnkiB9PQ0Fe4t94OpDLUgkAC_jCA0p-JQ9V51HO8dIERshL62J-PlCntID5zlCFp8KGkOvnw8TZ5yBRRcimv3Tm5sSY77/s320/dumle+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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We sound this sucker at a Finland gifts store in Astoria. I was attracted to it because it is called a DUMLE which means dummy. (Not true.) It was invented in 1945. (Oh, that is very interesting.) It is available in single piece, ice cream, mini-bars, chocolate drink, and sucker form. It is described as a "toffee chew." Which makes me want to eat one in front of old people so they can regale me with tales of the yesteryears. "I remember when the earth was one continent and we rode dinosaurs to school only we didn't have schools because we were pencils. Only instead of lead we were filled with lust for the sea and we sang shanties about sea pencils and Abigail, the horse-faced princess of Yorkshire." (That last old person might have dementia.)<br />
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I'd like to also bring attention to the wrapper which clearly states that this is the original. The original what I don't know. The original candy? Sucker? Dumle? Dumle, I can believe as up until I saw this I had no idea a Dumle existed. Frankly, I was fine not knowing but since I know now of the original Dumle I must eat it.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-2KQKe5ULqGuQlb6D1m7BhQvGGNNHvDwlJRDSF7EqxKVzs9xixW8V03mDQ8805DhCxT2l1OGZspzWCwKURHHXaqQ-YTKt4MltBSqR17HDz-nfOe67-UTHu8cPJWcnCGCNbNpAgCSsfLzW/s1600/dumle+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-2KQKe5ULqGuQlb6D1m7BhQvGGNNHvDwlJRDSF7EqxKVzs9xixW8V03mDQ8805DhCxT2l1OGZspzWCwKURHHXaqQ-YTKt4MltBSqR17HDz-nfOe67-UTHu8cPJWcnCGCNbNpAgCSsfLzW/s320/dumle+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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My goodness. That is a beautiful looking sucker. Isn't it? It doesn't look turd like in the slightest. Nope. Easily the prettiest sucker. Right? Ok. No. This looks like a poopsicle. There I said it. Somebody had to. I mean, come on! That took NO stretch of the imagination. It LITERALLY looks like dookie. And why is it cracked? What happened? ugh.<br />
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This sucker smells like the inside of an easter basket on the poor side of town. Stale, sad, and hopeful that there is other candy around. It tastes like a very old Rollo that maybe has been in the couch awhile and many people have been over each taking time to sit on it. As if they hoped it would hatch into a fantastic snack but it never blossomed into fruition. So they got a stick and peeled it out of the couch. Luckily it is the "original?".....<br />
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I give this snack a 1.5-If you believe in the law of attraction, you are such a sucker. You can't think change. You have to physically do something. I hate to break it to you, sucker but life takes effort. Now get your sucker self up and go do something.-out of 5.<br />
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Thanks again for taking time to witness these suckers.<br />
See you next time.<br />
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Get a piece<br />
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SUCKERZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
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(Ah Mozz.)dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-68295154395920072062012-04-25T21:50:00.003-07:002012-04-25T21:56:30.995-07:00.FooRd BlooRg. Swimsuit Season Approaches! (new choice)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Well summer is only a few months away which makes this the popular time when people start making the choice to exercise and/or make changes to what they are eating. Often people will make substitutions to meals. "Yeah, I will get the double bacon triple cheese deep fried burger but instead of fries I will have the tots." (They can't all be 100%) Some people make better choices than others.</div>
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Now I am not saying that you should eat healthy if you aren't or even that it is important to be able to wear a swimsuit. Heck, people see my flesh so rarely that it is often is a topic of conversation. "Have you seen dirk's feet? "No." "Me either. He DOES have feet right? I am suddenly worried. You know what? They are probably hooves." (First of all, those last two guys were total d!cks. I do have feet and they are normal webbed toed feet like everyone else. Secondly, not everyone needs to walk about in flip flops exposing their walnut-knuckled hairy toes. Dudes-that goes for you too.) Don't get me started on being shirtless. Ain't going to happen. (No tourists allowed.)</div>
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However, every time I hear about substitutions or choices it reminds me of one of my favorite improv games. (Those of you who know me, know that I have been in a few improv groups over the years. Those of you who really know me, know that I couldn't leave that on the stage and really have never stopped playing in my everyday life.) That game is New Choice. How it works is that someone says "I have lost my cat." Then another person says "new choice." The first person then has to change what they said to something like "I ate my cat.....and I miss him." The other person, if they like that direction then allows the scene to move forward until they feel the need to "new choice" again. You can also say "new choice on how you are standing" or whatever motion wise as well.</div>
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How great would it be if that was used in everyone's everyday life? Answer: SUPER GREAT! (new choice) Not all that keen. (new choice) What if vegans get to heaven and all the angel gowns are made of bacon and nobody can be nude. And then god is like "hey, get in on these sweet ass bacon gowns." And the vegans are like but this isn't our scene and god is like "What did you just say to me? Don't sass me!" And then the vegans are cursed to a century of doing the funky chicken because god doesn't judge but he probably has a sweet ass sense of humor.</div>
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Here is a helpful scenario: you enter a room and stub your pinkie toe on a table leg. (A terrible pain. An infuriating situation.) Normally this could be quite maddening and you'd swear. Who knows, it might even be enough to derail your day. So here is how you "new choice" it. Right after you stub your toe, when you'd normally swear, you exclaim "NEW CHOICE!" and then hobble out of the room. Then you re-enter the room. Perhaps this time you are swinging your arms like a monkey and you then squat on that table and eat a banana. First things first: That is a rad way to enter a room. Second things second: it is pretty to be hard mad when pretending to eat a banana plus that table just got owned. Your day is safe to progress. Nice work.</div>
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Now if it was to work in society people would have to be on the honor system. So if say, you were about to cross the street, it is cold and raining and a lady in a minivan does the whole I don't see you waiting (Which I have to say, moms in mini vans are some of the most self absorbed and rude people on the planet. Here is an idea: How about all people should be treated like they matter not just your hell spawn. Nobody owes you anything. You can wait in line like everyone else. Too busy? Well quit creating little, loud, smelly, jobs for yourself.) thing. Now instead of flipping her off (which probably doesn't happen enough) you yell "new choice on how you make me wait in the rain!" This forces her, by law, to circle around the block and pass you again. This time however she is blind folded or ghost riding her whip or surfing on top like Teen Wolf. I would feel better. I bet you would too and she'd have to deal with the fact that she doesn't care about others which will hopefully make her less of a beast. (If that is possible. That very situation has happened to me more times than there are mustaches at a Le Tigre concert.)</div>
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Wow. What an intro. Well, if you boil all that down, you get that today's post is about making a choice to eat something healthier. Huh. Should have just said that. (I should really get an editor. These things would be like ten sentences.) Todays 1 to 5 scale will be brought to you by my own new choice confessions.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwqajGVJlY_PUNPLNXRmWepiaNv1_2U08iRHyMM8nwKv26snxVNLOV3ZjZh4KgHYWXHMsb3RVvRubDJrTtNKyfOJ6L4O_C822FP05-KcM_SRv4M8gmQG8y_xbgGNGS9b1-kpJRoNaeyRdF/s1600/fruit+leather+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwqajGVJlY_PUNPLNXRmWepiaNv1_2U08iRHyMM8nwKv26snxVNLOV3ZjZh4KgHYWXHMsb3RVvRubDJrTtNKyfOJ6L4O_C822FP05-KcM_SRv4M8gmQG8y_xbgGNGS9b1-kpJRoNaeyRdF/s320/fruit+leather+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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So first up today we have this "fruit leather" which Sarah and I found at whole foods. You remember fruit leather right? It was in a bright colored package and it looked reddish or purple. It smelled of crushed fruit and possibly a cup of sugar. It was nothing short of a delight. Now look at that picture above. If this product was said on NPR this is exactly what I would picture. I can hear that bored voice saying it as I read it. This product had better be for adults because if you, as a parent, put this in your kid's lunch rest assured that you are a jerk through and through. (I mean what do you feed your kids for breakfast other than excuses to complain about later in life?)<br />
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We can also see that this "fruit leather" is gluten-free and raw. So we certainly know we are in boringsville where they serve only one dish: buyers remorse. Lets look at the back.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioRJ0H6DLuNz3t3xPCQ9lvkD8dWdceytqUsBLQZhM6Q_hVuRyb2vZydlhD32zzMGUPl2jTXNxv_-PQ2OOnop8OcLeI8UaAZEOEPGcO9GdURLFp1yVKBNtLvA7OV50RJajr-o1venPau3QF/s1600/fruit+leather+back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioRJ0H6DLuNz3t3xPCQ9lvkD8dWdceytqUsBLQZhM6Q_hVuRyb2vZydlhD32zzMGUPl2jTXNxv_-PQ2OOnop8OcLeI8UaAZEOEPGcO9GdURLFp1yVKBNtLvA7OV50RJajr-o1venPau3QF/s320/fruit+leather+back.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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I don't really have anything to add to that. Sounds like a solid plan except the no fun part. Now I get choosing a soy latte over a fat one.(?) Because in that situation you want your caffeine. Who is jonesing so hard for a fruit roll up but wants it to be super healthy? Why wouldn't you just eat fruit? Like real normal state fruit? Yeah I said super healthy. The ingriedients are orange, banana, and kale. Yes. Kale. Oh my, well who needs sugar with those three sweet things? I mean, who designed this? A professor who is an ACTUAL salad? "Goodness, I really must invent something delicious to eat!" said Professor Salad Head. "I simply can't "leaf" this inventing thing to laymen whom possibly like fun." (Coming to NBC next fall.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfpa_omSoiMfAqiMwiflDePrIs7isVsfvBYr1Tyrsup9TPvSmXrO0-0g0AI2DMbmDKQt4knjM3FVLAyiwfPxop_J1tijHJpxMUC_k6snOWSuSTZLt7pWIH4d1dntTM941RoMQCp3RBsYPm/s1600/fruit+leather+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfpa_omSoiMfAqiMwiflDePrIs7isVsfvBYr1Tyrsup9TPvSmXrO0-0g0AI2DMbmDKQt4knjM3FVLAyiwfPxop_J1tijHJpxMUC_k6snOWSuSTZLt7pWIH4d1dntTM941RoMQCp3RBsYPm/s320/fruit+leather+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Ok look at that thing. It felt as dry as it looked and it smelled like if you borrowed a prune's old leather jacket. I asked Sarah to join me on todays post. Her response will proceed an S.<br />
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S-No. It tastes like soap.<br />
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d-Ugh. It is easy to tell at first that this isn't good. The feel is dry and perfumey. Then the ground ginger in it comes on like the smell of 1000 grannies in your mouth. (Oh sweety, you should brush more. When are you gunna get married. Those space babies aren't gunna birth themselves!-That last one is Gertrude. She ain't been right in the head since she heard Rock Hudson was gay.) It really tastes like soap. Really bad but healthy for you soap. I got no lime and no positive experience from this at all. Plus it was like a buck fifty or so for this disappointment. I give this a 0-If you are ever thinking that having an ex-girlfriend pierce your ears in a mall is a good idea. New choice yourself. They are going to be crooked and both will scar you for life.-out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqYBNtoh7rNjkimX4Mjwj1KFyp1WIZI7lAfmP0R2o-MNXsylXTnD10dk9C24Q4VOfKW8XNTdYJC6eIQoDBAsAofsvao6PJemE9ZBssMKURpYUlkq6QaEAK8LQ4DxL2-P-ZLONVF-JqvsBM/s1600/onion+chips+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqYBNtoh7rNjkimX4Mjwj1KFyp1WIZI7lAfmP0R2o-MNXsylXTnD10dk9C24Q4VOfKW8XNTdYJC6eIQoDBAsAofsvao6PJemE9ZBssMKURpYUlkq6QaEAK8LQ4DxL2-P-ZLONVF-JqvsBM/s320/onion+chips+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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This snack comes from Japan! Just look at all those symbols telling people something that I don't understand. That is ok. I don't feel left out. Simply because all I need is that onion with the head band. Check that onion man out! (You know, every time I ride the bus I am pretty sure there is at least one onion man or woman on it.) He looks pretty cool! (I wonder if he knows Prof. Salad head? He probably doesn't. He most likely has a pretty dour existence. Onions are pretty goth. Think about it, every time he cuts himself EVERYONE cries.) This guy though seems pretty nifty.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4Xfv3iZrwumMxjKQlwTbZ6mRjsgb85GOBH5oHiNgwnz5CW0iL6kSi4cnWxuyse2WVWFdyIX6jzJMLpLWGqRIi21cI2924MQXQa0ZxbdfktnhcKECDQKkUFZL34P3ZhsTiz9MDqSP_3M39/s1600/onion+chips+back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4Xfv3iZrwumMxjKQlwTbZ6mRjsgb85GOBH5oHiNgwnz5CW0iL6kSi4cnWxuyse2WVWFdyIX6jzJMLpLWGqRIi21cI2924MQXQa0ZxbdfktnhcKECDQKkUFZL34P3ZhsTiz9MDqSP_3M39/s320/onion+chips+back.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Well clearly the nutrition facts are in order. Obviously I ordered this as a substitution for a potato chip. I imagine it is healthier and less starchy. I didn't go to food college though. An interesting fact is that this bag is really light. Like really light. The contents weigh a whopping total 17 grams. That is less than an ounce like a 1/2 ounce. The price tag was 2.50 and we won't discuss the shipping.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgvTUby4peNMJcYdVi9JaVOPxnhEOBgoxCPB4YZQT0oV8gPOQsS4bAR8ZKVbW-_rlXlQzjtus33Cg5g3L57Afvs7_Ul4D35hKOsG9rs2vnC8Jr3M7lYw0nSJeSuLCznZz0YqJjwIPCmZ6i/s1600/onion+chips+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgvTUby4peNMJcYdVi9JaVOPxnhEOBgoxCPB4YZQT0oV8gPOQsS4bAR8ZKVbW-_rlXlQzjtus33Cg5g3L57Afvs7_Ul4D35hKOsG9rs2vnC8Jr3M7lYw0nSJeSuLCznZz0YqJjwIPCmZ6i/s320/onion+chips+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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What you see is actual slices of onion that has been treated in some way. It feels like a cross between styrofoam and a piece of dried apple. It smells like onion. There is something new but also comforting about this one.<br />
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S-It is like those crispy onions that people put on caseroles. It is good. Tastes a lot like astronaut ice cream.<br />
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d- Yeah. You are totally right. This is onion astronaut ice cream.<br />
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These really were pretty great. Quite expensive for what you get but at least good tasting. If they were sold in the states I would buy them again. I give this snack a 4.5- if you are a bird legged small kid when a fashion craze like spandex comes around just "new choice" yourself on the morning when you wake up and decide 6th grade is a good time to wear those spandex with big pink stripes up the sides to school. Take a long look in the mirror. See how they are hanging baggily around your tiny famine thighs. New choice those shorts buddy. Otherwise you are in for a real long day of being quite self conscious and will have to later blog about it in a blog dedicated to snacks.-out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXZry0C57sCrVAUZ7Mo_koMrIPJ0UmS6cAXy9Gt41RXrUFf8RBVXAg6IQYSmWbHdR6c2YBtUDnJw7vIrQnRCLX0JhTWcuzqomExQ7-OFvsoAAxVmYPL3_vHtUYImiiCR23rLpdcLmyl93f/s1600/fake+jerky+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXZry0C57sCrVAUZ7Mo_koMrIPJ0UmS6cAXy9Gt41RXrUFf8RBVXAg6IQYSmWbHdR6c2YBtUDnJw7vIrQnRCLX0JhTWcuzqomExQ7-OFvsoAAxVmYPL3_vHtUYImiiCR23rLpdcLmyl93f/s320/fake+jerky+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Ok, I will first address the giant animal free elephant in the room. "Jerquee" is really close to being the worst word ever. One letter off actually. (I did a google search to see if anyone of any nationality was named Jerqueepha or Jerqueest Love. I didn't find anything.)<br />
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Also I would like to add that using the word beef in quotes makes it super creepy. Try it. Say the word beef to someone and do the air quotes with your fingers. Watch as their face slowly changes expressions as their brain goes "Wha? Is it not beef? Was it at one time beef? Is the beef in question in fact chicken?"<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOhRYfGVjhM9NJmCnAY-1VUknE7t3VZutQFAT81Zh9rx_o9lyyVfWqJ0hsV9MIvrj7zihaW3O1UhKWzUxHgugFGFjpy5QGdh5EYbzkMYT-yjsHVlul5vCUeOoDO9W_B1kKhz1M6NHkcM7L/s1600/fake+jerky+back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOhRYfGVjhM9NJmCnAY-1VUknE7t3VZutQFAT81Zh9rx_o9lyyVfWqJ0hsV9MIvrj7zihaW3O1UhKWzUxHgugFGFjpy5QGdh5EYbzkMYT-yjsHVlul5vCUeOoDO9W_B1kKhz1M6NHkcM7L/s320/fake+jerky+back.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Sorry this photo is so blurry but the best part is that it states "...the worlds best-tasting "vegetarian jerky." That is a relief. So we have the real...I mean "real deal" here. (Did I do that right?) It also says to micro wave it for 10 seconds for a hot sizzlin' snack. No thanks. It seems weird to microwave such a healthy "food."<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3pNqXkDw-lcob4RKvCr7m_YE19DxSV2P-bmxt_URwmuNfbB8hFEL-wwhiugxjJXoDE1BSeAVnOrhWIKNV8QtkRSwU6o9zh16XsbzUKjM70yUgvD4SYFJGBrOhvE6dwUguxJf8w-IIfE-B/s1600/fake+jerky+facts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3pNqXkDw-lcob4RKvCr7m_YE19DxSV2P-bmxt_URwmuNfbB8hFEL-wwhiugxjJXoDE1BSeAVnOrhWIKNV8QtkRSwU6o9zh16XsbzUKjM70yUgvD4SYFJGBrOhvE6dwUguxJf8w-IIfE-B/s320/fake+jerky+facts.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Wow. Still pretty fattening and 165 calories. Do you know what has less than that? Real jerky. Yeah. Protein. Meat walking around with a face that you stab off and eat it. (Too much?) Sorry I am just so "jazzed" about this "vegetarian jerky." The hard part about pretending to eat meat is that you also have to pretend that it is good, fun, and that you like it. If you do like it than rest assured in the fact that you like weird soy protein not meat. That is clear.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFt-sOUG19q57VvPvWnPrxNmtLpM2Wjz8DVr92CG4zqP_44fb_04EjVOaOUUd9Ue9a2R7Aot3v7r-idrG81nIJWFL16zgKocofj88NSr1JxI4-fdRqlwvkBYeToGMHpQ3tgnvaoccZJJdi/s1600/fake+jerky+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFt-sOUG19q57VvPvWnPrxNmtLpM2Wjz8DVr92CG4zqP_44fb_04EjVOaOUUd9Ue9a2R7Aot3v7r-idrG81nIJWFL16zgKocofj88NSr1JxI4-fdRqlwvkBYeToGMHpQ3tgnvaoccZJJdi/s320/fake+jerky+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Upon opening the bag I encountered a smell. The smell was clearly of a pet store. You know the smell of the dog food aisle? Yup. These people have it in the bag. Literally. Until I let it out. Like a cat....(what?)<br />
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S-It just tastes like dog food. Gross.<br />
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d-It tastes like dog food. It smells like dog food. Does this company make dog food as well? I think I bought dog food. However I would feel bad giving this to a dog.<br />
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The texture is spongey and it reeks of dog. Do you think dogs are ever vegan by choice? Or are they all freegan because they eat cat poop because it is free and the cat pooped it willingly.?.<br />
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I give this snack a 0-if you are in middle school "new choice" your cool drawing that you are going to have the barbur shave into the sides of your head. Not because that isn't cool but because your drawing of a hollow arrow with a line thru the middle on each side that then drops down to meet in the back is about to make it look like you have a cock and balls shaved into the side of your head. And it is middle school. They still haven't let up on those saggy bike shorts.-out of 5. (Don't cry for me I have had more bad haircuts than you'd have seen at a Bikini Kill concert. Actually I have just had most of those haircuts.)<br />
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*Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoy a long future of new choices. Till next time.<br />
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P.S.<br />
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You may notice that this post has two Kathleen Hanna references. I would recommend young women check out her and other feminist musicians and spend less time wanting to be famous for being pregnant at 16. Maybe someday women will be shown in media as powerful intellectuals instead of "crazy, slutty, wild girls!!" That would be a new choice.<br />
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(Too heavy of a final statement? Well, you simply can't new choice the truth.)dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-43301840755045086412012-04-18T20:14:00.000-07:002012-04-18T23:41:24.942-07:00.FooRd BloRg. Chews life. Choose candy.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
There is true beauty in seeing a child eat a piece of candy for the first time. That moment of discovery. "What is this? This nectar of the gods that has befallen me." That moment of clarity. "This is what adults must be doing all the time that us kids aren't allowed to do. This is what all of the patience and hard work boils down to. This single ultimate goal. This is what they lock in cabinets. What they hide from us. This is what they do while we are asleep. This is what they wrestle for in their bed that one time I walked in."</div>
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For some of us, that first gummy bear or crappy generic jelly bean was merely the gateway candy. We don't even look back to it or even remember its name. It was just the moment that we knew that wasn't it. There were bigger and stronger goodies out there and we would eat any mushy pea and "clean" our room to get at those candies. If you wanted us to bark like a duck and log roll in dirt we'd do it. (We knew ducks didn't bark. We didn't care. Dignity is something you learn far after you commit to how far you'll go to get a Blow Pop.)</div>
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Addicts? Hardly. We can quit. We could quit. From time to time some of us do. We embark on juice cleanses, diets where you count points, lent, and temporary veganism? But we come back. Like a return to a celestial sweetness that shrouds us and beats back the dark forces at work in the world. Impending all encompassing governmental control? Oh I am sorry. I didn't hear you. I was looking at my Sweetarts roll because I just got two grape in a row and that is like winning the freaking lottery. </div>
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Oh, you are going to judge us? OK. Fine. You are better. You are all grown up. You have your fish oil pills and flax seed. You win! I say "Nay!" (I don't now why...) Look inward good sir. Deep inside you there is a child drowning in fat free grossness. Throw him a red vine and help him out! Don't drop him a Lifesaver. That is a pretend candy and everyone knows it. Give them something fun. Watch them smile and relish that treasure. That is how candy should be enjoyed. Not some psuedo candy barely flavored that is stashed in your desk like it is something shameful. </div>
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Today we stand up. Today we unite. Today we devour.</div>
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(Coincidentally, today we will be looking at three chewy candies. The 1-5 scale shall be in honor of childhood memories.)</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMUb7VIBxaCbkUbnqyOKq-P0eZd7kaLxWDhV3rbSz6eK1Y2ViVLPiArxzAe6AWdB-psHOr9cOTIr5njcWZP-Czo23A9zzhQunMARebChOGeEmLMcCnDuZ93TbXX_Ml7KTMcw7nifIAqTYA/s1600/milkita+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMUb7VIBxaCbkUbnqyOKq-P0eZd7kaLxWDhV3rbSz6eK1Y2ViVLPiArxzAe6AWdB-psHOr9cOTIr5njcWZP-Czo23A9zzhQunMARebChOGeEmLMcCnDuZ93TbXX_Ml7KTMcw7nifIAqTYA/s320/milkita+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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First up we have Milkita. Milkita is a melon flavored milk taffy. (Ugh.) This snack comes from Japan but found its way into my candy bowl by our talented photographer friend Nate. He saw this in a market and figured it deserved a home on this blog. I have said it before to the homeless and I will say it again "My friends are awesome." (Before you get all "that was a mean thing to say to a homeless man" he was one of those uppity self righteous homeless people. Man, I hope he reads this when he checks his email at the library.)<br />
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Let's just take a look at the bag here. We have a cow who isn't wearing pants. That wouldn't be weird but the cow is wearing a shirt. So.......Alright, the cow is playing soccer. There is also a melon who is doing jumping jacks in the nude. Can we just agree that this all seems questionable. There is also milk just erupting throughout the back ground. Just a milk magma spew ejecting from an invisible fault line. Next to the jumping baby melon is a huge chunk of one of its parents and the cow's shirt has a number 7 on it. That is some real crazy business. (I apologize for the quality of the pictures.) There is also a sentence on the bottom of the window that reads "Try and taste the difference of all our other flavors."<br />
Not the most confident invitation. (I could see this tagline working for Tacobell. Because it is all the same.) Seriously. Try? Alright. The back also says "Candy is slippery and can cause choking." That sentence is under allergy information. Allergy? I guess "some people" are allergic to "slippery". "Yes, I can't have anything with tree nuts, gluten, or slippery. Oh this has slippery? Damn. Thanks for the warning."<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAlsalF4KU56cynLW7bKXPho6E95hkQ0qJHeUGLIW7GfeUseKCW-jd1JKm3S6xascBGgVldhF1e0DYtmtCzWUq_QYWfA15dIj35iuofuNVOCN2KaEDyga6Ii5ElRynZEF6S9fvy9fHoK_-/s1600/milkita+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAlsalF4KU56cynLW7bKXPho6E95hkQ0qJHeUGLIW7GfeUseKCW-jd1JKm3S6xascBGgVldhF1e0DYtmtCzWUq_QYWfA15dIj35iuofuNVOCN2KaEDyga6Ii5ElRynZEF6S9fvy9fHoK_-/s320/milkita+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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So I am guessing that the cow beat the melon at soccer as the cow is now assuming some sort of disco victory stance and has removed it's shirt as if to say "I am not number seven anymore! I am number one!" Can we just agree that fleshy hoofs are pretty gross. (You hear that, dudes in flip flops?) There is also a weird vortex coming out of the cows posterior. Is this another warning? I am not sure.<br />
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Taste wise: I have previously covered a melon milk drink that I froze into a delectable summer treat. This candy is pretty comparable to that. Minus drinkability and carbonation and plus slippery. When you first bite into it the candy yields slightly to the force of your teeth. You get a bit of melon flavor at this point and then comes a milk essence. Now, I don't drink milk. I think it is creepy. However I could see how people might really enjoy this. It isn't very sweet. I bet if you like creamy things and or melon than this would be right up your alley. It would be a great gift for your soccer team mates and a subtle way to let them know that you indecently expose yourself every time your team scores a goal. "I tried to tell you. Remember the cow with the melons? I am the melon cow." Speaking of that. Why doesn't this cow have an udder?<br />
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I give this snack a 3- I remember as a kid that bark chips on the playground often turned into lava but the back chips poured over puke in the hall never did. It was important though to not step in either.-out of 5.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSPxlwnn6b9wLmcm2pgagusd49aBynHJnXu199qUyxbIe26zxNX15l3iCzb4CHoJlxSJ9N4_egmqY4aMV3tSi4zaXqTNBhU22nLp-efv76o_ydZjr8v328qIej0lVq7PvMTWmynzINLe81/s1600/juicy+drop+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSPxlwnn6b9wLmcm2pgagusd49aBynHJnXu199qUyxbIe26zxNX15l3iCzb4CHoJlxSJ9N4_egmqY4aMV3tSi4zaXqTNBhU22nLp-efv76o_ydZjr8v328qIej0lVq7PvMTWmynzINLe81/s320/juicy+drop+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Next we have a new product from the Bazooka candy brand. I found this at a local market. It was sitting on the counter by the cash register. Impulse buy style. I said "I do." and it came home with me. This also has some strange things going on with the wrapper. First of all, it clearly is taffy that you take a pen like tube and squirt sour goo on it and then eat it. That is a lot of work for a candy. I feel like they couldn't get the snack to work so they were like just let the kids do it and they will think it is fun. I don't. Wrap that taffy around that goo and lets go! Make me work for it? Shame on you.<br />
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Oh and the flavor is "Knock out punch." A candy where you draw with goo on taffy doesn't strike me as the demographic that would enjoy violence but ok. Sure Bazooka. Lets bring violence into the equation.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXQ-qAo3OOSFCwsHvJN8IBXTMKFlng-IBenPpEjQ_lr3GzHyOG_b-Kc_53vUEdKO6JgHM_T-bOfJwwCpIafOMwE1meR51r-6PFokAaz2A7ip_RXMfPM8TX6dWDLve8Uau7n2CoNSgO9R7_/s1600/juicy+drop+warning.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXQ-qAo3OOSFCwsHvJN8IBXTMKFlng-IBenPpEjQ_lr3GzHyOG_b-Kc_53vUEdKO6JgHM_T-bOfJwwCpIafOMwE1meR51r-6PFokAaz2A7ip_RXMfPM8TX6dWDLve8Uau7n2CoNSgO9R7_/s320/juicy+drop+warning.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Not for children under three? Really? I could have told you that. Nobody under three is writing anything of consequence and certainly nothing on taffy. They are still wearing diapers. They aren't book keeping or writing checks. (I am not a parent but I feel like all of my personifications and developmental judgements are spot on today.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg66oYtf8MJazCjvihfGH8CWSgi0JnDQY-LuYnr8TL0H4Lwx0ZCeTrlMUq_CJQq6FL7GAV3rIUl9QPbGTeHPUiq1NoemNE8IsQ5lTSumwIJuiyZj5iprux3vSo6ufS43s1bx7Qj7znRwphy/s1600/juicy+drop+warning+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg66oYtf8MJazCjvihfGH8CWSgi0JnDQY-LuYnr8TL0H4Lwx0ZCeTrlMUq_CJQq6FL7GAV3rIUl9QPbGTeHPUiq1NoemNE8IsQ5lTSumwIJuiyZj5iprux3vSo6ufS43s1bx7Qj7znRwphy/s320/juicy+drop+warning+2.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Dare to drop? Isn't that the whole appeal of this half cocked idea? It isn't really a dare if that is literally part of enjoying the process. "Look kid. This taffy isn't great. The flavor is like a really seriously cheap Airheads that got super stale. The only thing that may improve your candy situation here is this sour slime. Dare to drop." That is hardly a dare. It is only up hill from the cruddy candy. POUR THAT STUFF ON IT! Also next time kid, don't buy impulse candy when you are buying a 6 pack of tall boys. You know it won't end well.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8jfIqXK0Mk_u3RdRAEsP9DP3qp9AG6vgDSCW70LrzCZOCI2xMJmX1dYwYYceePx1ijGc_skHf3nKH7a_8inq5xbBX_gvkgFgYeEdEoYWJDZqmmlXriHE7ijkOAZpO46ObYveHKSzBxgVC/s1600/juicy+drop+pen.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8jfIqXK0Mk_u3RdRAEsP9DP3qp9AG6vgDSCW70LrzCZOCI2xMJmX1dYwYYceePx1ijGc_skHf3nKH7a_8inq5xbBX_gvkgFgYeEdEoYWJDZqmmlXriHE7ijkOAZpO46ObYveHKSzBxgVC/s320/juicy+drop+pen.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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It is nice that they are all individually wrapped and that there is a cap on the goo pen. You don't want your goo pen dripping everywhere. The weird thing about the goo pen is the cap has a piece sticking down the side. Like a regular pen cap. Like a kid is going to put it in their shirt pocket. Like a real pen. "See each piece is wrapped so he can put them in his pocket and when wants a snack he just unwraps one and squirts his goo on it and goes." Good planning. But if that kid is like me. One candy is one serving. Not one piece. One candy. The item as a whole. All that wrapping is going in the trash after one sitting. What a waste.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg49mFgjeTGfTsq3n7eT_Y8gUv9MHyyXKvfxNd3gVZ32Ie7K2VtvhA0LIW-r2rFtI9FbSAh3imrup_57nQPR7wcuJPnSupb80TtxkyAvvVvGqF-7i2AKQqigo39YSR6AkGZVvIm74qAHaxG/s1600/juicy+drop+tip.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg49mFgjeTGfTsq3n7eT_Y8gUv9MHyyXKvfxNd3gVZ32Ie7K2VtvhA0LIW-r2rFtI9FbSAh3imrup_57nQPR7wcuJPnSupb80TtxkyAvvVvGqF-7i2AKQqigo39YSR6AkGZVvIm74qAHaxG/s320/juicy+drop+tip.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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How does it taste? Pretty much as I have already explained. The taffy is waxy and neutral. It has a touch of punch flavor as it becomes grainy in your mouth. Man what a fun candy. Then the semi sour slime mixes with the sandy super sugary breakdown of the taffy and it ends with your teeth wanting to be in a different mouth and your tongue regretting being yours. It tastes cheap and poorly conceived. (Like any song by lmfao) This seems like a clear case of bad design meets novelty meets buyers remorse. Could this have been fun? Yes. Make the taffy into little checks and then the kid signs the check with the pen and the tagline is "Don't write checks that your mouth can't cash." Right? Give those little bankers what they want.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBJlWjJrLmk0usceVVNxGN0frtg84NgKlwf1I9JDC9_T_m8oCJ3m_9y6EKXpPMD5ZA_GVxrn4Gd5KIKPXqatfNyd-hmjntEVPDbhgpzccdu8Xbd6dn2sijFPUvt5F4ghpl35cWA6tvHW1e/s1600/juicy+drop+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBJlWjJrLmk0usceVVNxGN0frtg84NgKlwf1I9JDC9_T_m8oCJ3m_9y6EKXpPMD5ZA_GVxrn4Gd5KIKPXqatfNyd-hmjntEVPDbhgpzccdu8Xbd6dn2sijFPUvt5F4ghpl35cWA6tvHW1e/s320/juicy+drop+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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I give this taffy a 1-I remember few of my teachers names from elementary school but I will never forget the name of the boy who pooped his pants on the bus. Keep your head up Stevie Shannon. Wherever you are.-out of 5. (I bet he doesn't drive school busses)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixHl9bhrzI4LNx6qstWZ0d3DrkzDMCM4aGvaF6Fwsl_Tdj7-AEOwP1KmuOBKHuBFODwaRbaNTZvtlSkH3sN-ASvyONqVUBT2R2j5C4-xGS3QOJzNdBlIrsQnE2ZBsT-XsBbyQVz6gAHeXB/s1600/salt+plum.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixHl9bhrzI4LNx6qstWZ0d3DrkzDMCM4aGvaF6Fwsl_Tdj7-AEOwP1KmuOBKHuBFODwaRbaNTZvtlSkH3sN-ASvyONqVUBT2R2j5C4-xGS3QOJzNdBlIrsQnE2ZBsT-XsBbyQVz6gAHeXB/s320/salt+plum.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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This is Ninja gummy. This candy hails from Japan and comes in a variety of flavors. Wonderful flavors like grape... I love grape candies from Japan. Sure there are other flavors but why list them because grape is the best. What you say? This doesn't look like grape? That is because it isn't. Yeah. I decided to get Ume. Now if you don't know what Ume is than l shall educate you. Ume is a fruit that americans refer to as a plum but it is more closely related to an apricot. Yeah, it is like a hybrid of two grandma flavors. Neither is as much fun as grape. You often hear kids wanting grape juice. You don't often hear kids wanting apricot juice. If you do hear a kid say that just know that its parents are jerks. Jerks who probably aren't fun and their house smells of stale air, boredom, and cottage cheese. Sneak that kid a Rollo and blow their mind.<br />
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Now there is something else I have to tell you about this snack. It isn't just "plum/apricot" it is salt cured plum/apricot.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdip8k3Jxin3vkqxY8WCrR_0XDmKQ7LGQgWbGV-36DoOiBU2iyXOJiLddXRfGGjNaN_EsKvhluHN8yxB1rtsHNc8-Z0FLo1887rIXQgbr5ano02w0nsj-mSgPz1fdDyPHsgfm759_Yg3kd/s1600/salt+plum+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdip8k3Jxin3vkqxY8WCrR_0XDmKQ7LGQgWbGV-36DoOiBU2iyXOJiLddXRfGGjNaN_EsKvhluHN8yxB1rtsHNc8-Z0FLo1887rIXQgbr5ano02w0nsj-mSgPz1fdDyPHsgfm759_Yg3kd/s320/salt+plum+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Listen carefully. All other warnings you have ever received pale in comparison to what I am about to tell you. Everything your parents warned you about is bullsh*t. Those things won't kill you. Heck I bet those things are fun and make for good stories when used in moderation. Now turn off your tv. Silence your cell phone. Tell whomever is around you to shut their pie hole.<br />
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THIS IS IMPORTANT.<br />
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This gummy is THE worst thing I have tried. Yes. It steals the crown from the vomit inducing Bacon Tabs. (Even though the thought of B.T.s still makes me get the vomit salivations.) These things are so evil.<br />
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When you heard as a child that bad things happen in parks at night-this is what those bad things are.<br />
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When you hear about bad things happening in a prison shower-this is what they were referring to.<br />
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When you heard Texas Chainsaw Massacre was based on a true story-THIS IS THAT STORY.<br />
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Here is the breakdown of possibly the worst candy experience on the planet:<br />
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Upon opening the pouch you get a whiff of what it would be like if fruit leather could poop on actual leather which also happened to be on fire. It is musky. Like if you put a fruity lotion on the uppermost inner thighs of an elephant. Jogged it around for an hour and then smelled it. Not for the faint of heart.<br />
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(Before we get too deep into this unsettling moment I'd like to ask you a question. Did you ever try the Miller light with salted lime? No? Well it tasted like someone sweat in your bud light with lime. It was disgusting. Ok, carry on.)<br />
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The first thing you taste is a slight tang which gave me a false sense of security. I hoped now that it would be just intense and fruity. WRONG. Then it is like all of the air in your mouth is sucked out and a dark shroud of baneful beastly evil envelopes your tongue. Then comes the whatever fruit flavor which is quickly covered by a disgusting wave of salt. There are evil layers of sickness trapped in your mouth and as you chew "fruitlessly" to get it down it keeps changing and becoming saltier and more shoe closety (not a word) in your mouth. My eyes began to water and my throat casts its vote not to be involved in anymore salted plum saliva. So around ten chews or so I expelled it into the trash and attempted to undo the damage it rout in my mouth. Which left me with no fruit flavor. Just a sense of aged decay, sickening salt, and sadness.<br />
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My mouth, once a playground for candy, was now nothing more than a bottomless wasteland of sadness and deep regret. The clarity I once had gained has now been marred. I would like to say that I will bounce back from this but this is like when a kid's first pet dies. I know now that death exists. It is my mouth. My mouth becometh death. Thanks to you Ume. You and your ninjas in business suits and reading glasses. (Look at the package again.)<br />
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I give this snack a 0- I remember swimming once and I was about to jump in the pool when a bee stung my back. I turned just in time to see it ripping its stinger end off and its bee intestines spilling out on my back. I 'd rather relive that moment every hour than eat this ume gummy again.-out of 5.<br />
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*Thank you to Nate for his submission. Thank you for reading. Now I need to go burn some sage on my mouth. My taste buds have informed me that we aren't "buds" anymore. Here's to building bridges!<br />
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p.s. I bought the salted plum gummy in a three pack. FMLdirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-82483558476796805812012-04-11T20:32:00.000-07:002012-04-11T20:32:18.674-07:00.FOOrD BLOOrG. Cheers, me wee babes!!! (EPIC EDITION)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I will always be one of the first people to admit that there is great evil in this world. (Whoa, that isn't funny...nice intro. eh?) It is a realization I had early in my life and I doubt that I am alone. As a child there are monsters under beds and ghosts within attics. (Evil stalks your elementary school halls mocking anyone short, fat, or tall.) I used to pretend that if I didn't climb the stairs fast enough than the devil got my soul. (That is not a joke.) However when those stairs had been ascended there was cause for celebration and everyone celebrates differently. Yet in gatherings it is customary to cheers toward what is to come or friendships that have been made and fourties are tipped to fallen friends. We are going to focus on the cheers today. (You can tip your super sip to the canceling of Smurfs in your own time machine.)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">My point is innocence can be hell and the road to being an adult is often paved with tombstones of those less fortunate. By the time you are an adult you should celebrate any chance you get. Cheers your friends and be exhaulted by them in return. Today we will be looking at some adult beverages and in doing so I would like to propose a toast to you and yours that you hold dear. (3 out of 5 of these do contain alcohol and I ain't saying that is needed to celebrate or have fun. You do what is best for you....Like drink a chard milkshake or clap at each other while one does a sit up.....I don't know you. I ain't judging. Cheers to you and your freaky healthy ways.) I am just drippin' knowledge here. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Lastly I'd like to quote the wisdom of the mighty Winona Ryder "Lick it up, baby. Lick it up."~Heathers</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZRkXAHSTiDCUurhthm9iOHckw7rM9akW30rjLn7_DwooXNqBMYHIl22NzW2Vx0Kl9_-tQvLW-P6WUT4ncNdXOEY7lQcgWR6cnuw2kdfQr5e2mgUm9BnWK6YigGImQQP3G1cTy-j8riQUa/s1600/sake+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZRkXAHSTiDCUurhthm9iOHckw7rM9akW30rjLn7_DwooXNqBMYHIl22NzW2Vx0Kl9_-tQvLW-P6WUT4ncNdXOEY7lQcgWR6cnuw2kdfQr5e2mgUm9BnWK6YigGImQQP3G1cTy-j8riQUa/s320/sake+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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So first up this fine day/night (depending on when you read this) is a Yuzu Citrus Sake. Yuzu is kinda a half lemon half tangerine fruit. (Sorta.) Sake is a wine derived from fermented rice. (Pretty much.) Sarah found this for a dinner we were having but throughout the evening it got lost in the shuffle of our fridge. For weeks it sat in the door awaiting judgement. See, neither of us has ever had good sake. (Sake we thought was good. Not to be confused with the good sake a friend forces on you which you try begrudgingly and it tastes like an accidentally twice used towel in a sauna. Ewe, stranger nooks and crannies!)<br />
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Now before we get to the night of judgement lets us take a closer look.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXB3qZpHewFuV-MKqZGsDi76_ixdNjDM1cETHzT4wjsFf0erM7IyEZP-TILCW2uzcxtWoXnu1fFfGXWnwWBXeKWf1Q5-ZCxT-9Ewt-mJRPPyuWq3yCIS2qwJEB61qLfDCrChNt3j_v7yeI/s1600/sake+shot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXB3qZpHewFuV-MKqZGsDi76_ixdNjDM1cETHzT4wjsFf0erM7IyEZP-TILCW2uzcxtWoXnu1fFfGXWnwWBXeKWf1Q5-ZCxT-9Ewt-mJRPPyuWq3yCIS2qwJEB61qLfDCrChNt3j_v7yeI/s320/sake+shot.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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First you might notice the traditional drinking vessels for sake have been replaced with shot glasses and then you might notice that there are three. Next you might notice that there is a cap from a Sodastream in the shot as well as our sink. Interesting things to include in a photo, yes? Well all of these things are clues to when we tried this drink. The three glasses are because Dave helped us with this one and of course Sarah and I. The type of glasses and odd who gives a funk photo style are because it was 2:30 am on a saturday....er..sunday. We had been cheersing.<br />
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Now to be honest, I don't directly recall what it tasted like other than it was not good. I have stared at these pictures and nothing really comes to mind. So, being resourceful, I texted D and he replied "I barely remember drinking it. I remember not being impressed." Hmmm. Not the best reviews so far. 2 out of three have little to contribute. S had better recall more than this. Luckily she did. "It tasted bad. Like rotten rice and vinegar." That was when I remembered that it did taste like rotten vinegar. A cloud opened in my head and I could see me making the Mr. Yuck face. Alright. We did it. Not exactly an engrossing review but the path to get there was a lot of fun. If you don't believe me just ask D or me about our new best friend Popsicle Tompkins. I will give this drink a 1-I always expect cheers for taking a shower because I hate showers (not because I am a hippie, it is because I hate shaving my face but not as much as I hate looking like that dwarf in LOTR "And my Axe (body spray)").-out of 5.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbLo-uyJzxXHzHMj61d-K5El39NvKb8g0iL24yVnqD0DlVVmeg46EI2XoU6fQ9My7CXtnXc-WQeKLULJE79g_j7jP21ZOsLJsAtLmRPONEtE3128GzkWjJ2BWO9a3ZAd5sNal24tvTH6Ks/s1600/italian+beer+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbLo-uyJzxXHzHMj61d-K5El39NvKb8g0iL24yVnqD0DlVVmeg46EI2XoU6fQ9My7CXtnXc-WQeKLULJE79g_j7jP21ZOsLJsAtLmRPONEtE3128GzkWjJ2BWO9a3ZAd5sNal24tvTH6Ks/s320/italian+beer+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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Next we have a big beer. A big expensive beer. Somehow the beer.wine people at upscale super markets see me coming and they just throw out buzz words until one sticks. Well this beer was almost 11 dollars. All it took was for them to tell me it was imported from the italian alps. I don't know if there even are alps in Italy or if that is a figure of speech. "Oh, Mount Hood is the Oregonian Alp." Like a sucker though I had to get it. I knew if it wasn't good that I would be bummed because there was so much of it. Then I thought "easy I will wait until D comes over and then we shall devastate it." I didn't wait though.<br />
I opened it and here is how it went<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZeCg4ASQc6nQhxXCfAIwhJjp-GFaKdz22nTyMPeFfydy1_u_SHpVDgRT7nZDJtuvUhV_yH7wJ89-LYXzEDOA1YbcKYcT78c-PhD_wnEykMDKuzLW0OQ7H5usefNy2eZ18kSviyG78rusm/s1600/italian+beer+shot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZeCg4ASQc6nQhxXCfAIwhJjp-GFaKdz22nTyMPeFfydy1_u_SHpVDgRT7nZDJtuvUhV_yH7wJ89-LYXzEDOA1YbcKYcT78c-PhD_wnEykMDKuzLW0OQ7H5usefNy2eZ18kSviyG78rusm/s320/italian+beer+shot.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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The beer had a light pilsner type of oder and a hint of dirty sponge. Damn. I thought it might be skunky or really tinny but I forgot that some wheat beers taste like dirty sponges to S and I. Luckily the taste wasn't as brutal as I had thought. The flavor was more like an upscale pilsner but there was something that I just couldn't put my finger on that I really wasn't grooving on. There were 3 or four kinds. Maybe I should have got a different one but if you make an 11 dollar beer not everyone can buy them all at once. Do I recommend buying it? Not really. By a bottle of italian wine at the wine shop on Hawthorne. Same price or cheaper and far more enjoyable. (I guess you do have to pay the price of idiots on Hawthorne though. I think the only thing people should be legally able to give a street musician (other than the finger obviously) is a flyer for an open mic. That way they can quit forcing people to listen to their awful versions of already bad songs. I mean dude, nobody is going to by your sh*tty pucca shell anklet no matter how much pain you sound like you are in. Oh, I forgot to tell you that the open mic is in the ocean. In the part of the ocean where the sharks are. Just file street musicians under shark part of ocean, please.)<br />
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Oh yes, the biere. 2(for being moderately drinkable)-It is always acceptable to cheers a scatological joke especially of somebody doesn't get your joke and double points if it is in public.-out of 5.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiagJbgTqUam29LYpGSxsi1r3zQvpy0SCv1Jp88pwa-7_YJ-T10nms18dHpDWpkXNC9i8tL22pgkH96r3QmMsX59CM4ACRmOI2tM74oLTlbIOnIuIjfXYqVJ9uXQnpIwoQACpS4GkKLBUhR/s1600/cherry+beer+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiagJbgTqUam29LYpGSxsi1r3zQvpy0SCv1Jp88pwa-7_YJ-T10nms18dHpDWpkXNC9i8tL22pgkH96r3QmMsX59CM4ACRmOI2tM74oLTlbIOnIuIjfXYqVJ9uXQnpIwoQACpS4GkKLBUhR/s320/cherry+beer+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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This beverage was found while we were on Alberta with K, E, & Z. It was acquired while we couldn't be home and they took kindness on our nomadic souls. (That sounds weird.) We easily cheers the most with K&E. We often laugh until we cry and they K and I sit on a porch and fillet life and its misgivings while S and E have a dance party. Try and tell me that isn't worth a never ending cheers. Just like Never Ending Story but with out the wolf, rock guy, turtle, flying dog and that girly looking kid. Same thing other wise.<br />
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Anyway, there is a wine/beer store on Alberta and the guy was quite nice and approachable but also fine if you just want to browse. On my own I found this odd bottle and once I read that it contains cherry I had to get it. See, there are some flemish ales that I love. It is kinda like if Sweetarts and beer had a baby. (If you know me, you understand what I just said. CHEERS!) So I kinda expected a lot from this. I know that isn't fair. We just met, this beer and I, but I still have to project my sh*t on it and bring all this snack baggage. Hey, life isn't a fair. (That is a saying right? I am not known for listening.)<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw-pqAjtwmwBQ-ewFNerl6e-vZX-u5lE3O9X22fRrrbnOM2OB6rtHg_b3DJHzklXgzSGE9TM_5-f3Ed5lnN13rh1sxKsdnfCLTGidemQYY5h1wMPbsnCM9rQkXdGLuH3-3NSbGAvau1Chp/s1600/cherry+beer+shot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw-pqAjtwmwBQ-ewFNerl6e-vZX-u5lE3O9X22fRrrbnOM2OB6rtHg_b3DJHzklXgzSGE9TM_5-f3Ed5lnN13rh1sxKsdnfCLTGidemQYY5h1wMPbsnCM9rQkXdGLuH3-3NSbGAvau1Chp/s320/cherry+beer+shot.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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Wow, this thing is darker than I thought. It had a nice effervescence to it and a fruity aroma. My first sip revealed a mega cherry flavor. A deep, tart, intoxicating flavor. That being said, it is probably best if you order this (what are you a king?) or buy it that you enjoy cherry flavor. The beer side of things is solid but the tart cherry flavor is the dominator here. Also this beverage rings in at 8 percent. I'd say a little goes a long way. I'd also say "MMMMMMMMMMM" because it was fantastic. If you or someone you cheers likes fruit and beer combinations then acquire this post haste. 5-I only cheers test scores ranging from 69%- 78%. Hey, we don't need no show boating. You upper 80s and 90 percenters are just braggarts and philistines. Mid range is human. Anything above is a sign they are a witch and should be burned or filed under shark part of ocean with their stinky street musician brethren.-out of 5.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS32gvKaO8W89kgfxnbnIN89mVsLhcfjKg-ZIBy3s4HkHBmLQAUPWoczgsOxdAuaFcpHIJRNVqyMaQLJGwo9xY-770E6oFVCULjZ1YScCQ1dp-SE1ghsg3C7L6PaIYOFYfcK3HDtzQGV34/s1600/caabao+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS32gvKaO8W89kgfxnbnIN89mVsLhcfjKg-ZIBy3s4HkHBmLQAUPWoczgsOxdAuaFcpHIJRNVqyMaQLJGwo9xY-770E6oFVCULjZ1YScCQ1dp-SE1ghsg3C7L6PaIYOFYfcK3HDtzQGV34/s320/caabao+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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Ok, I know we usually only cover three snacks a post but here we are at four. We need a boost of energy and luckily we have an energy drink that our good pal Nate not only found but shipped to me for this blog. That is worthy of at least a month of stone cold muh fuggin CHEEERSSSSSSIN!!! (What? He is a super cool guy. Sup Dawg. (No he doesn't have a dog.)) Look at how bad ass this label is. I mean most energy drinks just go for script or have somebody doing an active activity like soccer or football (same thing) but look at this thing. A COW SKULL? Seriously? With a friggin' eagle on it? And look in the background. Is that flippin' MARS?!?! Is Mars glistening? WTF Is happening on this drink? Will I go insane on this space shaman pop? (All of this and more....well, just keep reading.)<br />
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This was found at an asian market I believe. I have seen it as well at Fubonn but have never purchased it. Nate put it in my hands and so here we go.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1fnupQx_GGWRtyNsMC_85hYHE0DUecVTSplGZMqHaVP-cF54duwSZCzIgOuMwJuoFYgWzlr8dwIic8XX43BAYc0iRT0Bqs9tteuLMsnzkkaRKHRfZzxnQ62a8aA3vjeDVjMfdDvMxVtrl/s1600/carabao+side.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1fnupQx_GGWRtyNsMC_85hYHE0DUecVTSplGZMqHaVP-cF54duwSZCzIgOuMwJuoFYgWzlr8dwIic8XX43BAYc0iRT0Bqs9tteuLMsnzkkaRKHRfZzxnQ62a8aA3vjeDVjMfdDvMxVtrl/s320/carabao+side.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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Well first let us look at the ingredients. Hmm. Yup. Alright. Oh, very interesting.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIm-50OXgv6Ee5GacMHQ6EHpDh5kkUmf38CaYu3xGt0OdI0d2wcvMkr52L2uTANRQLQ6w2liEzYr2x7Ao6dsr8sTX23Qr9Oz9UOrFwrltm2KR3VNDPfE78mmFR3guneXrRkXbHTTB2pHnk/s1600/carbao+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIm-50OXgv6Ee5GacMHQ6EHpDh5kkUmf38CaYu3xGt0OdI0d2wcvMkr52L2uTANRQLQ6w2liEzYr2x7Ao6dsr8sTX23Qr9Oz9UOrFwrltm2KR3VNDPfE78mmFR3guneXrRkXbHTTB2pHnk/s320/carbao+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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Energy drinks are like the fortune tellers of the pee world. You know? They have that odd yellow kind of motor oil color and smell like the medicine meth kids would take to avoid colds. An hour after you drink it, your pee looks and smells the same. I mean, what is it that makes all energy drinks have that smell and odd taste? Who decided that was awesome? Regardless this energy drink tastes like any other energy drink. The only odd thing about it is that it has little to no carbonation. Which is rather unsettling. Any flat beverage that you anticipate having bubbles is pretty sad. The flavor is dead on energy drink though. Flat weird labeled energy drink that says "EXPORT ONLY" on the bottle. Now if they only want it served outside of their country you KNOW it must be good. I give this weird drink a 2-I will cheers anyone who randomly does a cartwheel. Although as one gets older it is sometimes better to just mention a cartwheel and remember.-out of 5. (Double cheers apply if cartwheel is done inside a bank or credit union.)<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6kec_T645v92Lbwjd3ekLRXJxqKyiRzj477TmoqWiGGAnEt0J2svD4zIisyg6aM4pw3aGfhx4bApNWm4eLjmyVXG_O6vT-AIx6aA3h1XV4fXLaYPnMtW5Pna9fkluo0YZDbCqaLoD1Gi3/s1600/fruti+king+soda.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6kec_T645v92Lbwjd3ekLRXJxqKyiRzj477TmoqWiGGAnEt0J2svD4zIisyg6aM4pw3aGfhx4bApNWm4eLjmyVXG_O6vT-AIx6aA3h1XV4fXLaYPnMtW5Pna9fkluo0YZDbCqaLoD1Gi3/s320/fruti+king+soda.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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Lastly we have a tiny soda hailing from Winco because poor people need to cheers things as well. (I mean the only Cheers a poor person has is the knock off Chearz detergent to get the mustard stains out their droors.) . . . (Wait, why did they have mustard on their drawers? Oh, they were making night sandwiches in their skibbys probably. Ok, carry on) ...(Wait, why do I think I get to make fun of poor people? I am poor.-sigh)<br />
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Lets start over. This soda was like 19 cents or something ridiculous. Now again, I am all for small soda servings. Little kids don't need a 12 ounce soda. They maybe need 4 ounces and some Sweetarts. Maybe. Or maybe just Sweetarts. Yeah, that sounds better. BUT if you must by a soda why not a tiny one? Here is a picture just to show scale.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlngFFs03_efOhEZmI0bwbg9d9PuIXfXeDxmNTZTYyNYMd5hWT0Qj_LSzj1fDOIBmx6mKJrH8FgrkzLmUUjxwTDrY-vTelOzPxPG-6BjXG9cqnNR39b-jBs74UNBdxOYErK9WIdiNuDx_C/s1600/fruti+king+soda+size.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlngFFs03_efOhEZmI0bwbg9d9PuIXfXeDxmNTZTYyNYMd5hWT0Qj_LSzj1fDOIBmx6mKJrH8FgrkzLmUUjxwTDrY-vTelOzPxPG-6BjXG9cqnNR39b-jBs74UNBdxOYErK9WIdiNuDx_C/s320/fruti+king+soda+size.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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Now a small soda is a legit idea in my opinion. I am not a soda drinker though. I drink coffee, beer/wine/gin, and water. (Most likely in that order.) Giant sodas don't make sense to me. When people walk out of a 7-11 with a bucket of pop, I think to myself "That is probably for a whole family of ten. Not just for them to take to a chair somewhere and consume by themselves in the dark... in a nest of Doritos and Combos bags." I give them the benefit of the doubt. I am a giver.<br />
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I drink coffee black. Others might say "gross" to that because they only like coffee with cream and sugar and ice cream. To that my reply is "You don't like coffee. You like milkshakes. Go drink a milkshake. You are holding up the line ordering your weird ass sh*t that is so thick somebody had to specially engineer a larger sized straw. While I appreciate you creating a job for that engineer/imagineer I have to point out the flaw in your logic. You don't need that milkshake to wake up but you do need that to pave the way for diabetes.<br />
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I recently saw a commercial for a product that you add to plain frosting and suddenly you have that flavor for your cake. Well, the first one was like strawberry or something and I thought that wasn't unreasonable. Then they said CINNAMON ROLL! Suddenly my mind snapped. I thought "Who is this person eating cake and was like "This cake is OK but I sure wish it was a cinnamon roll." "(Can you use quotes inside quotes?) HOW ABOUT YOU EAT YOUR G.D. CAKE AND ENJOY IT FOR BEING CAKE. Besides what is the difference between cake and cinnamon rolls? CINNAMON. Be a frickin' genius and put cinnamon on your cake if it matters to you so much. Still not enough? Pour some butter on it. Hey, eventually you will get it right or die trying. Either way, that product and the IDEA that maybe they have received enough letters to create this, and you ARE stupid. Proof that evolution has stopped quickly in its tracks and is wheezing on the floor watching what ever it is a Kardashian does. Proof that if you aren't part of the problem and are around to watch the world burn, you will probably smell over done french toast.<br />
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How was the soda? Not bad. A sweet apple flavor with a soft amount of carbonation. Not syrupy as some sodas can be. Taking in where it is from and what it is I am surprised to say that I am ok with it.<br />
The name, however, Fruti King? Seriously? Fruti...King. Nobody? What was King Fruity taken? I am going to be the bigger man here and not make any obvious jokes. I am just going to leave that to you. (If you have one message me it.)<br />
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I give it a 2.5-We cheers before every meal. Truth. It signifies thanks for whichever one of us made it and that we are enjoying it together not just stuffing our craws in close vicinity. Give it a try.-out of 5.<br />
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*As always thanks to my friends and lady for making this post possible. S, N, D, K, E. Cheers.dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8084327146380147028.post-38241290185055645732012-04-04T20:54:00.000-07:002012-04-04T20:54:58.951-07:00.FOOrD BLOOrG. Chocolate and its many strange bedfellows<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">First off at the top here I'd like to apologize for not posting last week. Our kitchen and bathroom were under construction which meant we had to basically be homeless during the day and a night. (Luckily we have good friends who were happy to take us in.) So not being home made it difficult to get all snacky snackin if you know what I mean. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">That week did make me think though. There is something about seeing something in various stages of construction where you realize how many individual items must aid each other in order to create something that works. Not unlike people and our choices of friends. There are those who add and enrich your life and those who leech and subtract from your existence. I guess the ultimate goal is to trim that parasitic fat (ugh...grosss) and have a lean, happy, and rich life bloated with quality friends. (I just pictured all of you looking like that girl in Willy Wonka who goes to the juicer.)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">It is with that in mind as we turn our attention toward chocolate. (Yet again.) Don't fret there are other items coming up that are not chocolate and I have another full order hailing from far away. Now lets do some tongue math: do the ingredients add or subtract. (Tongue math???)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT2LFWs4Maa6KHgfX4KVWbhnUdPGCzUqN3BFbK73F3klcz8eL3xna2RCjOf6ofJwA15GdWyzcGNJbmr3t182p_9lC3Cdr3Z5CJbts07AZEV7wd3a3rJrihyphenhyphenMeWesQgri41hFgEhXUOgvlp/s1600/sahagan+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT2LFWs4Maa6KHgfX4KVWbhnUdPGCzUqN3BFbK73F3klcz8eL3xna2RCjOf6ofJwA15GdWyzcGNJbmr3t182p_9lC3Cdr3Z5CJbts07AZEV7wd3a3rJrihyphenhyphenMeWesQgri41hFgEhXUOgvlp/s320/sahagan+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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First up we have this little gem which features chocolate, exploded corn, chili, and salt. Sounds strange right? Sarah and I sought this out after she had read about it somewhere. (Possibly my most informative sentence ever.) Doesn't exploded corn sound crazy? Wait. Couldn't anyone call popcorn- exploded corn? Hmm. Not so crazy sounding is it? Now it sounds kinda dim witted if you ask me but then again just look at the bottom. "Best understood by tasting." No sh*t buddy. I suppose you could just draw Orville Redenbacher dippin his Bs in some chocolate and put that at the bottom. Maybe that doesn't make any sense (shocker) but my point is that statement implies that we can't possibly conceive what they have imagined. Ok, enough about the label lets look at the back.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6b8UGKttsY-Azusal1dezLO7xIqUQpT_ogsR1PxB9RFn-j-2YTZNmiDUKto_NgiBjHRh-O49aE3jm1HEQU1j3pa-ErSAflaQp0KMuHzF_b5pRNZD8UbX9L7s6aruQ2RT2pTxBeLH7pAc5/s1600/shagun+back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6b8UGKttsY-Azusal1dezLO7xIqUQpT_ogsR1PxB9RFn-j-2YTZNmiDUKto_NgiBjHRh-O49aE3jm1HEQU1j3pa-ErSAflaQp0KMuHzF_b5pRNZD8UbX9L7s6aruQ2RT2pTxBeLH7pAc5/s320/shagun+back.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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Well. I paid over 4 dollars for a small piece of chocolate brittle? Yep. But it has EXPLODED CORN!!! Ugh. Now before we get to the taste I would like to point out that a typical mole sauce has all of these ingredients in one way or another. So all of these chocolate companies (must be millions) aren't really so creative. I mean many of these that we try aren't even solid with the chocolate before they add all the extra buzz words. I know I may sound bitter (chocolate) and maybe I am. Many people like finding new tasty gems and many people make money off our search with faulty foods. Ok enough is enough. Lets get to the taste.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVVYAqHKPPek_A4G4uTXvvsPhWJUm1i9dYpgnqzuDYCfwvq1SYgeePNTdOH-ai5NUmSK6CnINKrWuyVnB5eQ45NSW6LFy1RsrXWu-MX8xgP3y1AevWh1W-wdSm2exbDJ5LwG1VSCgYDlG8/s1600/shagaun+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVVYAqHKPPek_A4G4uTXvvsPhWJUm1i9dYpgnqzuDYCfwvq1SYgeePNTdOH-ai5NUmSK6CnINKrWuyVnB5eQ45NSW6LFy1RsrXWu-MX8xgP3y1AevWh1W-wdSm2exbDJ5LwG1VSCgYDlG8/s320/shagaun+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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Aiding with this entry of snacks is my lovely wife (S). We will each deliver a brief statement about the snack and award a level of deliciousness and rebuyability (not a word) ranging from the classic 0-5. By cutting this open we can see the crazy corn. Mysterious!!!<br />
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S- I don't get any chili. Ugh. It tastes like somebody dropped corn chips in my candy. No! It tastes like corn nut dust in chocolate. No thanks. 2 out of 5.<br />
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d- That is so disgusting and entirely accurate. It tastes like somebody dipped their corn nuts in chocolate. (Orville?) The salt they are talking about was probably from the nuts and the chili is nowhere to be found. My mouth has depression right now. It is as if all of the whimsy and wonder of candy has died in my mouth tonite. (Cutting Crew) Too far? Maybe. 1 out of 5.<br />
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NEXT!!!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhje_bvaOdMJui8IyiIACY2la0oSYhvudlJlWUWVGFWURAp6fSzBtcgHkVrc0w9yd5OIy6Vy1QzB4F9TMDMzVENrUQq1fDr1dSXgGtoFcvdGcZezmwHEGjaaYNV4mV8YN3sjGdjxQ9yztYX/s1600/jade+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhje_bvaOdMJui8IyiIACY2la0oSYhvudlJlWUWVGFWURAp6fSzBtcgHkVrc0w9yd5OIy6Vy1QzB4F9TMDMzVENrUQq1fDr1dSXgGtoFcvdGcZezmwHEGjaaYNV4mV8YN3sjGdjxQ9yztYX/s320/jade+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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This was found at a wine and chocolate and beer shop on Alberta here in PDX. (Weird that I didn't find one soap store on that street.) I was looking at the 10 dollar bar of this but then we noticed that company has smaller tastes. Do you know what that tells me? That tells me that they stand by their product and aren't trying to fool/force anyone to fork out big bucks just to taste their wares. I like that move Jade. Well done. Lets check the back.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivMpnZNlUj6m4_pVe2pfsGdgI1drMWGyE_PVysuj0MHMUDIJ7jkX6NHaNu56vpXMLwdb1_Bc5mKQbye8M8ceI723tPrjpU-U0sLT9x8n8cahLsQ2eTAS7eLLaThsdCqWYCL4iF8JSzetlu/s1600/jade+back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivMpnZNlUj6m4_pVe2pfsGdgI1drMWGyE_PVysuj0MHMUDIJ7jkX6NHaNu56vpXMLwdb1_Bc5mKQbye8M8ceI723tPrjpU-U0sLT9x8n8cahLsQ2eTAS7eLLaThsdCqWYCL4iF8JSzetlu/s320/jade+back.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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So we have chocolate here featuring toasted sesame seeds, tea, and chili. Doesn't that just sound like a warm winter evening by the fire? What a comforting collection of bedfellows for the chocolate. Lets see what orgiastic occurrences happen when we do the tongue math. (That sentence went all kinds of wrong....I apologize.) Maybe we will just see what it looks like first.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFssBFTPbhwNHP74MVF3exAcOJfwWK0v-Dq_Uzvt6-0c79mYRaPWMBapktTIqKuwTFb4IUtD5_6J77ZaAOTXZmjDKv26rFji4BtVrV5S17b8vfh5qsXHi4cGGHz3pFNIQYXU5JOP8FI0xg/s1600/jade+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFssBFTPbhwNHP74MVF3exAcOJfwWK0v-Dq_Uzvt6-0c79mYRaPWMBapktTIqKuwTFb4IUtD5_6J77ZaAOTXZmjDKv26rFji4BtVrV5S17b8vfh5qsXHi4cGGHz3pFNIQYXU5JOP8FI0xg/s320/jade+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
Oh wow. It is like little tiles. Three to be exact. I like this idea. Normally I like my desserts in small amounts. A tad will do if it is good quality but is it? Lets see-<br />
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S- I get the crunch of the seed. I don't really get the tea in there at all. I do taste some chili and I like that it is good non-sweetened chocolate. Quite good palattable chocolate. 4 out of 5. (Spoiler alert: This was S's favorite from the whole array.)<br />
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d- It is pretty bitter but the overall mouth feel is great. Good balance of flavors. Maybe I don't get the tea though there maybe a bit in the finish. 3.75 out of 5.<br />
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This really was pleasant. I now want to try all of their other products and I will. I will.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglJ79pDvBYC4EsEU-ILymrZ68UcCSHacx6UaWu1lxkP8O3vnA8i4FGmo_WZmeuaaa4yp6CPx9tE4DGmVMw-2rbJVHsOkvEF83ItjojBWCdpZ1w7WRM5VsvB8U7XTJEbmSd-z-6GVGpQZwY/s1600/raleigh+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglJ79pDvBYC4EsEU-ILymrZ68UcCSHacx6UaWu1lxkP8O3vnA8i4FGmo_WZmeuaaa4yp6CPx9tE4DGmVMw-2rbJVHsOkvEF83ItjojBWCdpZ1w7WRM5VsvB8U7XTJEbmSd-z-6GVGpQZwY/s320/raleigh+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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Ooh. This one looks scholarly. This little stubby treat features pecans, nougat, and bacon carmel. Sounds a bit like a twist on a Snickers to me. Still it was at the same shop that we found the last one and it was small so I got it. Now i have been over the bacon+sweets craze for a few years now but I wanted to see how a caramel made with bacon would turn out. Before the revel, here is a shot of the ingredients on the back.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5K6IlMhOSDSnyFvAhGz5k9Vf2tnmqGZF6OhQqBkOgmQs9bnF-_Lcl9cvsNhs1YRWkLlp3wScUFDCpUAoOoQZPLKQyW17MHRLQxiXPB0f71jC5YCKGKR2VuoajvBuAPHb0a27UuS_3rQP4/s1600/raleigh+back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5K6IlMhOSDSnyFvAhGz5k9Vf2tnmqGZF6OhQqBkOgmQs9bnF-_Lcl9cvsNhs1YRWkLlp3wScUFDCpUAoOoQZPLKQyW17MHRLQxiXPB0f71jC5YCKGKR2VuoajvBuAPHb0a27UuS_3rQP4/s320/raleigh+back.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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Seems like it could be promising right?<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd0_pwRcoV5r4eOY5cKb9BUMR_vUn5qw7jSHQczfDVXVByE1PKRs_qhBKFXoZkLiK0wnbMPvz8JoiGwdbK9prbcWZkBSkZ30mZ5UV4gkHebnsvFBPbNphYk6YSofuYEpR22WDV4k4QXDFe/s1600/raleigh+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd0_pwRcoV5r4eOY5cKb9BUMR_vUn5qw7jSHQczfDVXVByE1PKRs_qhBKFXoZkLiK0wnbMPvz8JoiGwdbK9prbcWZkBSkZ30mZ5UV4gkHebnsvFBPbNphYk6YSofuYEpR22WDV4k4QXDFe/s320/raleigh+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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Well, now that we can see inside it looks pretty much like a snickers bar. All and all this treat appears pretty approachable and on the level. The only mystery is how the bacon caramel will marry.<br />
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S-Huh uh. There is something way too animally. The bacon. This tastes like a farm. 2-out of 5.<br />
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d- Somebody wrapped a mess of farm stink in chocolate! Ugh. Without the bacon flavor this would be a pleasant upscale candy bar. The overall mouth feel was satisfying and other than the livestock and hay notes quite enjoyable. 1.5 out of 5. (Oh no, if this isn't last what could be worse than this?)<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigpxYJCC8VomwmOyVRqchePkJmGEgOAJV4PlL0gIpmtFID3uViIYjH8PApt7c2G9fAxpA7BPcrnp-DTY4GqxJ5Vn5QiwkvvJGjgQ3iREHY6ogM8tRVVLO9MidwGF2m04-I9KWrzAGIqSqE/s1600/beef+and+cheese+front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigpxYJCC8VomwmOyVRqchePkJmGEgOAJV4PlL0gIpmtFID3uViIYjH8PApt7c2G9fAxpA7BPcrnp-DTY4GqxJ5Vn5QiwkvvJGjgQ3iREHY6ogM8tRVVLO9MidwGF2m04-I9KWrzAGIqSqE/s320/beef+and+cheese+front.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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Get the f*ck out. A beef and cheese chocolate truffle?<br />
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YES.<br />
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Sarah found this at Whole Foods. It was with no hesitation that I purchased it. Like I said before, meat chocolate and cheese have played together many times. But the simple ugly wording of this seems so honest. It doesn't say Wagyu Beef, cave aged gruyere, and cacao. It says beef and cheese. I love that. It was, I think, a dollar fifty. Approachable and yet dangerous. This could be bad. (Like bacon tabs bad.)<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggoqRaGUrPOjNE0HimiWIBZIXisel7GWWys2v4LpIr5DQJDeYuk35jyLsf0lBQsMmiAlVGChRYGeJyYR7Afk9Q7N7L3GbD85hvIuZsIuBul5T3eMKcAeUoBgDyilxh6aMx8VPDWJ4dk_LT/s1600/beef+and+cheese+back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggoqRaGUrPOjNE0HimiWIBZIXisel7GWWys2v4LpIr5DQJDeYuk35jyLsf0lBQsMmiAlVGChRYGeJyYR7Afk9Q7N7L3GbD85hvIuZsIuBul5T3eMKcAeUoBgDyilxh6aMx8VPDWJ4dk_LT/s320/beef+and+cheese+back.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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It seems so casual and unassuming there in its cost effective packaging. Looks like any other chocolate really.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5brJf8EZCjp8Djy5mDpg6VPZepOm-4PPtF0mrgJuIKigXcarUUMkRoudEb6zUzT81RumOfKbFzgERCzr6PQ286KVKXpjVk9RjbeZbrWAITFw51cXUemnDA7tMS9POk_3ZhlhN2jyhF4Fn/s1600/beef+and+cheese+actual.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5brJf8EZCjp8Djy5mDpg6VPZepOm-4PPtF0mrgJuIKigXcarUUMkRoudEb6zUzT81RumOfKbFzgERCzr6PQ286KVKXpjVk9RjbeZbrWAITFw51cXUemnDA7tMS9POk_3ZhlhN2jyhF4Fn/s320/beef+and+cheese+actual.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
When you cut it open you see caramel. I don't see shredded cheese or beef jerky anywhere. It doesn't smell like meat or cheese.<br />
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S-I like it. It has a really good texture. I would try any of their other products. 4-out of 5.<br />
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d- This is really good. Kinda reminds me of a high end Rollo. I don't get the beef or cheese but I like the mouth feel. It is smooth and creamy with a really nice medium chocolate flavor. 4-out of 5.<br />
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Neither of us minded that it didn't taste like beef or cheese. The overall taste of the product was so nice and I don't feel duped at all. In a strange way, it succedes where others fail by ultimately being pleasant to enjoy and be around. It wasn't making a big stink about what it was it just calmly stated it and was pretty delicious. This was my favorite of the four. Didn't see that coming.<br />
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Which brings us to a close. Somethings can sparkle but will ultimately fade if the core isn't strong enough in the first place. I mean, why paint a wall if the substructure is crumbling? Sure you can shape poop to look like a candy bar but it still is going to be poop in a Twix wrapper(I guess that would be 2 poops. Should have gone with Mars. Damn my metaphors lately.) and it will still taste like poop. (What am I talking about?) Just try to be a good person and enrich the friends lives around you. Surround yourself with those that do the same. Send those other f*ckers packing.<br />
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Thanks again to all our good friends. Especially K & E for putting us up when we were homeless. Cheers to you and yours. See you real soon.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/VnrIhwc93rA?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>dirkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07241200349752913477noreply@blogger.com0