.IN THE MOUTH OF SNACKNESS.

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Drink it all in, baby. (Seriously though, babys shouldn't drink these.)

2012-02-16T20:39:00.000-08:00

When I first heard the saying "The I's have it." I really thought it was "The eyes have it." This is true and it made far more sense to me. I mean, we use our eyes to see what is around us and that in turn can greatly effect our well being. Is that clear? Sometimes I am not so clear. Ok, think about a fox. Like a real one not Michael J Fox. Although he is real as well just not what I want you to be picturing for this example. So there is a fox and it is peaking its head out of it's fox hole. (That is what it's home is called not a put down. "Hey stuff it up your fox hole!") As it looks around it sees things "-Rock. Ok cool, I am cool with rocks. -Tree. No problem, trees are pretty chill by and large. -Tree. That is nice. I like my trees to be in couples or even groupings. -Stream. Man, I didn't realize what a dope piece of real estate I picked to make my fox hole. A fine piece of woodland landscape. Streams are not only an abundant source of fresh water but the sound can be quite soothing to my fox ears on those sleepless nights in my fox home. -Eagle. WTF!!! DANGER!!!! IT IS ONE OF THOSE DEMENTORS FROM HARRY POTTER THAT SWOOP DOWN AND KILL YOUR FOX A$$ES!!! I HATE THOSE NO ARM HAVING MO-FOs!!!!

Now I know you might be questioning somethings about my personification of a fox. Like "How does this fox know what real estate is? Where would a fox acquire knowledge about Harry Potter or why would it refer to its fox paws as arms? Those concerns are valid. Believe it or not-I am not an expert on foxes. My point is though that the fox is surveying it's surrounding to see if it is in danger or if everything is cool. Part of that process includes not only seeing the thing (i.e. Tree) for what it is but also having a label for it.

People do this as well. Part of the reason people need to label others is because their brain is trying to figure out if they are ok. Seriously. Everybody labels people and everybody judges people to some extent. You can take the most "good" person you can find and watch them as a filthy person with a crowbar saunters by their window. I bet if you could see in their brain there would be labels like "murderer", "homeless vagabond", etc.... The fact is, maybe that dudes car broke down and that crowbar is the nicest thing he has so he couldn't possibly leave it in there. Doesn't matter. Accurate or not, the brain is going to assess the situation and depending on who you are as a person and your own life experiences, it is going to apply a label.

I try not to judge. I try. It just isn't easy when we as people are so vastly different. Plus, my whole life I have been made aware that I was being judged and applied labels. I have been called "Jap" before. Which is not only racist but it is not accurate. I have been called "fag" possibly more than people have pronounced my name correctly when I have met them. Not that I met people and they thought my name was "fag"....Nevermind. The list goes on and on. My point is that while it can be hurtful to judge, it is in nature and it is in us. We can fight it all we want. Our brain doesn't care. It would be nice if people could keep it to themselves. That would be the polite thing to do. Right?

Whew. Now at this point in my rant I hope you have concluded our theme for this post. Labels and what the appearance is communicating. Rightly or not. Oh, and this is a beverage post so we will be looking at 3 bevvys and a bonus bevvy at the end. The 1-5 scale for this post will be my own conclusions on what I see daily. Oh yes, there will be judgements.

Our first beverage was procured by my wife and I when we went to a new cheese shop that opened in PDX recently called "Cheese Bar". The food was pretty delicious but they had like ten people working there (one of whom I suspected was the lead singer from The Flaming Lips-JUDGED!) and everything seemed pretty shaky in the customer service department. Thats the case though when places first open and then they sort their sh*t out usually. As we were ordering, my lovely wife saw this drink on their beverage list. It is rose scented water from Portland. That was all I needed to know and I ordered it.

Now lets look at that label. Ugh. Who designed this, the actual nineties? Like that decade, while listening to La Bouche and Primus simultaneously, sat down and designed this label. It obviously wasn't looking at what it was doing. Most likely because In Living Color was on. (Kinda sounds like I am judging right? Thats because I am.)

The taste of this product is good if not pretty great. That is the maddening thing about the label. It doesn't do the product justice. If I had seen it's weird cartoony appearance I probably wouldn't have ordered it. The drink has a nice floral bouquet without tasting like grandma. To balance the subtle rose essence is a very slight sweetness. I can't stress this slightness enough because I would have hated it if was too sweet. The balance of everything was dead on. A solid and interesting drink with an unfortunate face.

I give this libation a 4-Whenever I see anyone in sweatpants I hear them say, in my head "Ah, I give up."-out of 5. (Not that they give up on their appearance but on life in general. Think about it. Don't get all "but its comfortable..." Are you going to workout somewhere and sweat in your sweatpants? No. And getting the cookie sweats because you are in cookie withdrawl or have consumed so many cookies that you are in fact sweating cookies DOESN'T COUNT. Use your dumb lazy thumbs and button some pants on. It is a zipper. It goes straight up. How difficult can you actually find that? Are you even aware of what people have to do around the world on a daily basis? And somehow they still muster up the strength to wear pants. Yet you can't be bothered with a non elastic waist band? -BIGGEST SIGH IN THE WORLD)

Moving on to beverage number 2. We have Kitty Piddle. Wait what? It has been a few years but I think that is french for cat pee. I am sorry. Le Chat Pisse. We found this selection at FIZZ which is a new soda counter and nostalgic candy haven in PDX. I don't remember if I said this in the last post but check out this place. The decor is not what I would have picked but the hand drawn sodas are delicious.

Time to give that label a gander. Hmmm. This is difficult. On one hand I do love a pun "sodasgusting.." on the other hand I feel like the label is a tad crowded in the center. Personally I would like the joke to be up top then the cat and then the company but that is just me. I also wish the flavor was on the side or the back. You know, keep'em guessing. Trick the person to pick it up and check it out close up. Chance are if they did that than they get the joke and once it is in their hand they are 100% more likely to buy it. (*% based on no facts or proof) I do like the simplicity of the background thus allowing the pee colored liquid to really sell this beverage.

Now on to taste. I couldn't tell you that it is Pineapple and orange. To me it tastes like my mouth tastes about 15 minutes after eating a chewable vitamin C. I am guessing that the pineapple is used as a sweetener. To some effect. At this point I have had three drinks and I am done with it. I have barely depleted the neck of the bottle. It isn't bad. Sweet soda just isn't my thing. Should I judge it and fault it for that? I am tempted, sure. But no. I won't say that it has a creepy vitamin/mineral situation or that it is pretty sickening. I won't. I will take the high road and just say "If this is what kitty piddle tastes like then I am right to not have drank any up to this point." Also would it have killed them to make it smell like a meth lab? Oh right, this is for kids.

I give this drank a 1.5-If you are wearing pajama pants out then you should die. It is not a complicated scenario. You are obviously such a go getter that you bought pants to sleep in. In the event that your important lifestyle rears its ugly head, you can leap from your bed and rush to your local Walgreens in order to procure a gallon of Malted Milkballs or a 100 pack of hair ties. You bought pants. To sleep in BUT you can't be bothered to wear ACTUAL pants. That is so f*cking ridiculous. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE SLIPPERS!!!!PICK UP YOUR FEEEEEEET!!!!-out of 5.

(*The corn syrup aspect of this soda clings to your mouth for 30+ minutes. Blech.)

Oh no. Oh why? Seriously? Buffalo Wing Soda. This was found at Fizz as well. I think it is safe to say that we are deep in the novelty sodas now. I have seen those turkey dinner soda packs from Jones soda. I haven't ever had them but apparently I am going to have this. A buffalo wing soda. Great. I frankly can't even imagine how this came into existence if not by tragic accident. This is how I imagine it went down "Hey Lester! This new soda tastes less like orange pop and more like buffalo wings. Like way more like buffalo wings. Ok it only tastes like buffalo wings. buffalo wings." (*Lester and his friend are both foxes. Just kidding. Look at Lester. Sheesh. He looks so old that he was around when the term "molester" was coined. Imagine how that made him feel. "Oh great, my name is the root of a terrible terrible word." "Maybe if I wear these smart looking glasses... Oh no! I made it worse!)

First lets approach the label. It is ugly. That chicken leg looks jacked up. I will give them points for making the buffalo wing actual size but then I flush those points down the toilet along with my purged mouthful of buffalo wing soda. I get what they are going for here, design wise. I just am not a fan of that fake shadow behind letters. It isn't fooling anybody lester. Your letters aren't floating and your idea might be original but I have those all the time. That doesn't make them good. Trust me. Your label tells me: don't drink this. Yet for the sake of this post I have to.

First off let me say this: Screw you Lester. Shove this in your fox hole. Your label may say "Made in America" but this tastes like it was made in Mexico. It smells like sugar soda water and something else I can't quite place. Oh yes, moccasins. FINALLY! It tastes at first like an orange soda slightly. Just a slight touch of sweetness and then it turns on your mouth. A seriously weird, pungent, and vaguely meaty taste appears. Hence the kick-in of the ole gag reflex. Then the last wave of flavor-a horrid cayenne pepper taste mixed with burnt dirt or used clown make-up or something evil and it lingers in your mouth. My eyes watered like I was having a Bacon Tab. Lucky for me I had a bottle of Kitty Piddle sitting by the sink and I quickly rinsed my mouth out with it. (*I would seriously have used actual cat pee if it was the only option at that point.) If you have an enemy, buy this and steam the label off of it and put an orange soda label on it. I think it will kill them. I really do.

Why does this exist? Novelty? I am sorry but no. Novelty requires some sense of fun. You know, like fake wax lips or fake vomit. Not a drink that tastes like real vomit. (Although I bet you could marinate meat in this and bbq it. Maybe? Why bother.) I give this substance a 0- Take that stupid animal ear hat off your head. You are a 30 something lady not that mousey 20 something that used to date a guy on a scooter. AND no getting Betty Page bangs won't make you look any younger. Just age like a human. You had your shot. Now move on.-out of 5.

I'd like to thank you for your patronage and wish you well but I am still to enraged by Lester still. So here is a bonus beverage for your consumption.

I saw this on a recent trip to Foster Market which is my local beer and wine shop. Their shelves are stocked with cheap beer and things barely considered wine. Lets just say that if you are buying wine here than you are to drunk to drive to an actual store or you have never had decent wine. Regardless, on this trip with Mark we saw this drink. Since Dave and Mark were filming for Vanuary at our house I bought this for Dave to try. We kinda have a history of trying terrible malt beverages so this seemed par for the course. (See what I did there?)

In case you don't know what an Arnold Palmer is, it is a drink of 50% lemonade and 50% ice tea. (*No proof of % requirements) That being said it tasted like they put the first 50% in of malt beverage. Then put in the second 50% of malt beverage. Then realized their mistake and poured some out and added a touch of iced tea. It is metallic and malt beveragy. (not a word.) It tastes like somebody poured part of their forty into an Arizona Tea can. Mmmm. If the original Arnold Palmer is perfect for refreshment on the golf course then this drink id perfect for a drunk wanting to pass out on the golf course. (Well played. If I do say so myself.)

It is not good. It is not fun. It is hobo arnold palmer. I sent that as a tag line for the beverage. Still waiting to hear back. Till next time, fingers crossed!

They should have made this drink really difficult to open and said "You can't drink an Arnold Palmer unless you can get a hole in one!" Eh?????? Still got it.

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Good intentions vs. Bad inventions

2012-02-07T20:56:00.000-08:00

I can't help but think that the people who created the internet had great intentions. Like they were dreaming up this information super highway that would make the world a richer-brighter place. I imagine this transpired the same way 100's(?) of years prior when somebody invented the library. They just thought of a mass of useful documentation and historical facts all in one place readily accessible to anyone who enters. Only there is a stark difference between the library and the internet. The internet lately seems to be an odd hodge podge of nosey neighbor and pervert. Recently I feel like it is trying to educate or inform me on anything useful or even interesting. The internet is like "Hey, Mark is listening to Public Enemy." My reply is "Shut up internet. I don't care what he is listening to." And yet the internet persists "Hey, hey, Mark-wait, here is his picture-him. He is still listening to Public Enemy." My reply again "Stuff it, internet. Quit wasting my time." ....."Has he always had a lazy eye?" Internet replys "Yes, hold on. There, I just tagged you as his lazy eye."

Me-"Damn you internet."

Internet-"Oh I am sorry. Why don't you do a google image search for a difficult to spell Indian dish? It is really good!"

Me-(Hesitant)"Ok, that seems like a good idea. I have been wanting a new Indian recipe."

Internet-(Safe search OFF) WALL OF BUTTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(
(*Bookmark)

Me-"Damn you internet."

See, that scenario doesn't exist in the scholarly realm of libraries. You don't go to a library and open a book on George Washington and see a picture of his wood. Wooden teeth sure! (*I don't think he really had wooden teeth. Did he? Let me google image search.........Damn you internet.) There is very little trickery at the library. Well, there was. Now the library has the internet and I really would like to think that this happened so that people could find out more information. But simply go to the library and look at who is on those computers. Ok maybe two of those 20 kids are doing a book report while everybody else is being as shifty as possible. So we are all pretty much doomed to be stupid and only care about what somebody is listening to or who has the best wife/husband ever. Sigh. My point isn't that life has become meaningless and that we all are going to die. (Although that is true. At least the death part anyway. The meaning of life is a different story. No I am not going to google search that.) My point is that I believe that those two things came from a good place but good intentions sometimes lead to questionable results.

With that in mind I present :Exhibit A.

Don't get me wrong. I am not condemning or condoning candy cigarets. Everyone knows that smoking causes cancer and is delicious. However, I reviewed Kids Beer and that could be seen just as evil as this. No matter wether this candy exists or not, kids will pretend to smoke. Plus I don't think that this candy appeals to kids anymore. Actually I am not even sure that kids "pretend" anymore. I think that they just play Xbox. Who would want to pretend smoke and play Xbox? Yeah, that is pretty silly.

Now this is a retro candy. Which means that it pretty much exists so that people old enough can experience nostalgia. Why? Well, lets open up a box and find out.

Oh that is right. They pretty much are one of the least enjoyable candies ever. Look, they don't even have the fake red end which was supposed to signify a lit cigereat. That is a bunch of BS. How does it taste? (If you had one back in the day just reflect on that for a moment.)

It smells faintly of wintergreen. It tastes like it is the faulty relative of the Lik-M-Aid stick. You know that white sugar stick that tasted like nothing but sugar and yet you could dip it into sour powder? Yeah, take that idea and worsen it. First-throw away that awesome powder. (For the young ones: It is now called Fun Dip.) Then take the candy stick and get it wet and then let is dry and repeat this process until it is a brittle unlikeable shell of itself. Now cut it into cigaret shape. YUM!

I give this snack a-1.5-If I don't want to be attacked by a bear then I better fill my britches with bees cuz bears are scared of bee stings. #deadandbee-reid-out of 5.

Exhibit B:

I bet that you are thinking "Hey, you just covered this." But look again, these are gum cigerets. Sure, you recall these. They have paper wrapped around the gum with a faint amount of powder that a kid can blow out of the gum cigaret and actually pretend that they are smoking. Such a good idea!!!

I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't think that was the coolest as a kid. Any kid would! That is until you chewed the gum. That is, if you could get the then wet paper off of the gum and also get past the flour like powder on the outside of gum.

Oh snap. These retro gum cigarets have the kid's lungs in mind-they added filters. Good save novelty candy company. Good save. In the olden times, they were all straights. No filter gum cigarets for my and all previous generations. Is the powder there? You bet your sweet bippy it is. (What does that even mean?) The only other difference here is that they also offer "different" flavors. I place that in quotes because technically speaking they are really offering different colors. The flavors range from vague fruit flavor to slightly vaguer fruit flavor but I am trying to not be too critical of this treat. That would be easy. (It is a f*cking gum cigaret.) I am merely suggesting that if you are going to make some changes than maybe improve upon the quality of the treat. That is all I am saying.

I give this snack a 1-I was scared the town might flood so I poured gas into the river and set it on fire so that the fire would evaporate the water. #notgoingtobere-elected-out of 5.

Exhibit: Wha?

Oh yea! Imagine the brainstorm that took place in an adults mind to create this!

Man#1- "We need a product that involves dipping a sucker into sour powder."

Man#2-"Isn't there like a ton of those already?"

Man#1- "You are fired."

Man#2- "Please, I have a wife and kids!"

Man#1-"You heard me! Scram"

Man #3-(Which closely resembles a super computer with an ill fitting wig.) What about a toilet?

Man#1- "Damn you internet!"

Now I get that kids love gross candy. Sure, it is fun and I am not trying to take that away. I have seen gross out labs where kids make brains and boogers sure. (Who hasn't wanted a fruit punch booger experience that wasn't the result of a Capri Sun shooting out your nose?) But I never saw a toilet and a plunger and thought "Man, if only I could eat that. That would be so dope." (I have mad street cred in my dreams.)

This was a gift from our pals A and D. It was a birthday gift. Yes, I have good pals and am blessed but that isn't what we are here to talk about. Lets lift the lid on this!

First-I want to mention that you get two candy plungers. Nice. I appreciate the second plunger even though it is kinda unrealistic. I mean if you need two different strength plungers, you have some serious gastrointestinal issues that should be diagnosed by a doctor.

Secondly- They deserve extra points for actually putting some apple flavor into the plunger. So many companies put all of the flavor in the dip and that just makes me toss the dip stick and eat the powder. (Weird sentence or Meaning of Life?)

Thirdly- This experience is kinda fun. The powder stays in the bowl and the plastic toilet is easy to hold onto. I could eat this on the go. (Pun intended, Thank You) The flavor isn't too sour or too sweet and the amount of everything seems pretty balanced considering at some point you are going to eat one of the plungers. You could easily enjoy this in two sittings. I did. Which is nice and you are in control of how much you add of the sour to the sweet. Customizable candy is dope. (Sorry, I was day dreaming for a second.)

I give this candy a 4- I am a god fearing man so I built a giant stove on my roof so when he reaches down to smite me, he will burn his hand.#lastinlineforheaven-out of 5.

Exhibit: No.

Our last snack is terrifying to me and I will tell you why. I bought it at Target. Now maybe I am different from you but I can't feel good about this existing much less buying it at Target. That store, in my mind, is where we buy dish soap or clothes hangers. We don't ever say "We need groceries. Better go to Target!" I don't even eat there. Nobody should. Alas, people do and for some reason, people sure like it. Lets look at the back of the box maybe that will make me feel better.

Oh good. It is egg free. Somehow that makes me feel like they tried to make one with eggs that sat in a box unrefridgerated. That makes my everything want to vomit. Holy sh*t-LOOK AT ALL THOSE GROSS THINGS THAT THEY MAKE!!! Ok, lets get real for a second. This snack isn't "target-ing" kids. You give a kid a choice between gummy worms, chocolate bars, and these creepy facsimiliess of a cinnamon bun and a kid would never choose the latter. These are marketed toward ladies with a lot of cats and not a lot of human contact time and dudes that smell like cheese but are not french. Or just a person that needs portable non-refrigerated cinnamon buns to tide them over between actual cinnamon buns. These are evil. A 2 dollar box of evil.

Now I always imagined that candy first was flavored after fruit in an effort to persuade kids to eat actual fruit. A flawed theory I know but in my mind somebody was thinking "Man, if only there was a product that could get my kid to eat ACTUAL cinnamon buns." Ugh, this whole section of the post is creeping me out. Lets open the box.

WTF!!! First of all there is no cinnamon swirl? Those heartless liars! (I then reread the back and noticed the giant red letters saying what this snack is. I am not so smart.) Secondly, it feels fleshy. Like cold fleshy though. Have you ever touched a corpse? No? Well touch one of these and you will know exactly what a corpse feels like. I am serious. Upon opening the box a stench is released. A rancid smell only ever encountered near a Cin-a-Bon. At this point I am really freaking out. This was quickly approaching the don't eat category in my mind. On a scale of 10 being I really want to eat this and 1 being Bacon Tabs-this is Bacon Tabs.

The first thing that happens as you bite into it is it smooshes more than it crumbles. It breaks down into a pasty substance that has the mouth feel of cheap white chocolate and then as my gag reflex is really waiting in the wings it begins to taste like the uncooked center of a Cin-a-bon. It really did. I hated every second of it but I also was so disgusted that I had to buy it. The company we have to thank for making this is called "Taste of Nature". Ah yes, who doesn't remember the natural taste of cinnamon bun bites from the great outdoors. Right now, my mouth feels like it is painted in pang and anguish. Not even bubble water is helping. Sadly, it does everything it says it does. Probably the best at being this. It is garbage but it is exactly the garbage that it professes to be. I guess I am finding it difficult to fault it for that. It is like creationalists hating dinosaurs for existing. It just is what it is and it probably bring joy to someone. Right? But I'd still rather eat an actual toilet plunger with no sour powder and if I had a kid I'd buy him a pack of candy cigarets a day if it kept him from developing a cinnamon bun addiction. I give this snack a 2.5-I like cinnamon rolls but I need them on the go for my not very active but just active enough to keep me out of the mall food court lifestyle.#stilllivesinmomsbasement-out of 5.

*The candy and gum cigarets were purchased at a great candy and soda shop in PDX called FIZZ.

Thanks to my friends for the gifts and my wicked wife.

.FOOrD BLOrG. More chocolates.....Seriously?

2012-01-28T17:36:00.000-08:00

Ok, I get it. People like chocolate. A lot. It is like the old saying "Variety is the spice of life. . .but after you've had a moderately sized portion of life you are probably going to want dessert and if you are like most people then that will include chocolate."-Aesop or Nestle, I don't recall.

Seriously, I get it. When I go to a market I see a whole end cap of new chocolate concoctions. There has to be an end in sight for this madness. I am convinced that we have exhausted all of the good chocolate pairings and are now just putting anything in chocolate. "Oh, you like chocolate? What else do you like? Do you like boobs? Because this one was made with just boobs. (I know, you are thinking I bet that one is milk chocolate. It wasn't. It was 90% Cacao) Do you like hedgehogs? Because this one tastes like hedgehogs. No that isn't gross. These hedgehogs are very optimistic and their toileting skills are impeccable. How about pizza? I made chocolate pizza and then put pizza in the chocolate. What do you mean is there cheese in it? If you are lactose intolerant what business do you have eating chocolate in the first place? Oh, you like dogs? I made dog chocolates. That is right they are just for dogs and this time have 0% actual dog in them. (Which is real. That last one is real. There are chocolates made just for dogs. That is messed up. Chocolate can kill a dog. That is like making candy household cleaners for kids and then getting mad when they drink the windex. That is your fault. Your kids death is on your hands and your neighbors are scoffing at your sub par window care.) Oh, you like windows? I made chocolate windows and just in case, a chocolate kid sized coffin."-Aesop

I think you get the point. See, I am all about trying new things and giving things a chance but some ideas just shouldn't get out of the idea phase. Somebody should say "I don't think this is a good idea." For instance, any chocolate that is pooped out of a plastic person or animal. That is gross and all I know is that this isn't going to be good chocolate. You never get a Dove chocolate out of a pooping anything situation. If you do, then I am guessing that you are a good samaritan and that person you helped has paid you with one chocolate. Sure it is a weird payment but I don't know the circumstances and I don't need to know. And no, I don't want that chocolate. None the less, my friends and I rallied around some chocolates and braved another session of 'In The Mouth Of Snackness'. Lets see if any of the products are well conceived or just another chocolate regret.

Both this chocolate and the next were found by my wife at a Zupans grocery here in Portland, Or. I am sure you have seen these around if you have any interest in chocolate snacks. You might not have purchased one on the account that they are nine or ten dollars. Yeah, for a chocolate bar. That is the world of "high end" food. One of the ideas behind products like this is that you are paying for premium quality ingredients that have been arranged and balanced by a true talent. These are usually products designed for individual tastes not like an average candy bar that is designed for broad consumption.
Does that make sense? (I wasn't listening to me either.) Basically they are designing an eating experience more than just the experience of stuffing your word chute with foods.

So we can see on the front here: ginger, wasabi, black sesame seeds etc... I must admit that these buzz words peaked my interest and I was glad that she picked it out. (Well done, wife.) I didn't get a photo of the back (I am so lame.) but it had a play by play of how they wanted you to enjoy their product. These steps included warming the piece of chocolate with your thumb and even how to breathe during the eating of said chocolate. First off, keep your laws off my body. Secondly, keep you chocolate off my thumbs. That looks gross.

The wrapper is quite interesting. I always appreciate it when a company adds some design elements to what would otherwise just be boring. While this is nice and all, it will be for nothing if they snack is blech. So lets unwrap this beast and see how it tastes. In addition to my heroic wife, we also have two of our friends C and N to aid in todays experiment.

*Note: Check it out, they even printed something on the chocolate...or stamped it...or molded it...Look, I don't know their process. Geez. Just look at it.

S-Tastes like chocolate. I don't really taste any ginger or wasabi but I can feel the texture of the sesame seeds. (A moment later.) Wait, I get a little wasabi and a little ginger. It isn't bad. I like the sesame seed but would like more wasabi. 3 out of 5.

C- I get a little ginger. A small amount of wasabi which is good. You don't want to f*ck around with wasabi. So subtle. It's base is a very nice chocolate. I could do with more ginger and a touch more wasabi. I could eat this pretty often. Despite the long list of buzz words it isn't a novelty. 3.5 out of 5.

N-It is on the sweet side which I didn't expect. If you suck on the piece of chocolate you do get a little more of the wasabi. For me though it is just a tad too sweet. 2.5 out of 5.

d- This is going to be difficult because all I wrote in my note was "bullsh*t". I think my problem is that I don't care for somebody telling me how to do something or how to enjoy something. However when we did what the back of the packaging said, it really was an interesting experience. Not amazing or mind blowing but I think we could see how this could work. Maybe for a lot of people it does. We thought that perhaps in a restaurant setting or a dessert place this would bode well. Again, I am not a chocolate fan but I can appreciate that we all had similar and yet different experiences and that hasn't really happened before. So nice work but I give it a 2 out of 5.

*Note: This was scribbled in my notes- Not Hobo Biggins Chocolate Company. So do with that what you will.

Here we go again. Another 8-10 dollar chocolate bar. This time including Thyme. Thyme is my favorite herb and if it is paired with lemon I will consume whatever it is on. (That is a lot of time spent saying thyme.) This bar didn't come with its own list of instructions. Thank goodness. Lets see their wrapper under the packaging.

Huh. Well, there is something there but it is so bland that why did they even bother? Yeah, I know the name of the company it is on the outside already. I don't know, just the look of this whole situation reeks of boredom and effort. I usually don't get too gossipy but their website is atrocious. I clicked on shopping and it just told me that my basket was empty. Thanks.

Oh wow. They bothered to put lines on the chocolate. Cool. That must take some time to design. Lines. Interesting choice. Lines. Yea.... I can feel all the design work and everything really inflating the cost here...Or not. I feel like paying this much for something it should feel personal and this doesn't feel personal at all. It continues to feel boxy and boring. I do love thyme though, remember? The flavor will probably turn it around.

S-No. Big f*cking zero.

C-Oh, no. It tastes like the seeds from a birdcage. The seeds from a birdcage with poop on them. Ugh. 1 out of 5 for just trying. It is even worse the second time.

N-Blech. Ugh. Weird. It tastes like carob. This, in no way, tastes like chocolate. 0 out of 5.

d-AHHH. This tastes just how an art teacher smells. The rice texture is highly questionable and there is far too much flax seed or burnt a$$ hair. I can't tell which. 0 out of 5.

Yeah, so to recap this evening's trials: at the end of the evening the first chocolate bar was pretty much gone. All but I kept going back to it and trying to find different elements. That says something right? Almost all of the second bar remained on the plate. Four people with different tastes all found it terrible. So between these two are two very different approaches. If I was spending 10 dollars I know who I would choose. (a ton of Sweetarts) I'd like to thank C & N for participating. I hope they will come back again and as always my lady for her support and all around wifeness.

But wait, there is more!!! A BONUS CHOCOLATE ADDITION!

We found this in a Finish store in Astoria. This is the same store that we found double salt licorice at. Ugh. There is something so fantastically intriguing about this product. I mean everyone has seen those little chocolate liquor candies but this is somehow different. Maybe it is the flavored vodka addition or the suppository shape rather than a bottle. Regardless it was a definite buy even at $7.50 a box. So we waited for an opportune time and busted this finish baby open.

So each chocolate is individually wrapped which is a good move since a few were smooshed. In the first round S tried the original and I tried the cranberry. The woman at the store told us, even though most people should know this, don't bite it in half or vodka will drool down your chin. So you just pop it in your mouth and chew away.

The first thing that happens is the chocolate gives way under your teeth and vodka fills your mouth. Now the next time your teeth meet, there is a gritty crunch. I figure that shell inside the chocolate acts as some kind of barrier for the vodka. It is not great. So there you are with a mouth full of vodka, weird floating crunchy tidbits, and subpar chocolate chunks. You can't really swallow it all down safelyeven though that is what your mind is telling you to do. Your only option is to buck up and chew as fast as you can as vodka sloshes amongst the melting chocolate saliva in your mouth. Sound good? Want some?
Well, come on over we have more.

Needless to say neither of us particularly enjoyed our experience. The first time. Yes we tried another each because S came up with an awesome game plan. Go against the elderly woman's words and defy her finish wishes. S bit the end off the chocolate and shot the lemon lime vodka. "Oh yea, that is pretty good. Just tastes like lemon lime vodka." she said tossing the hollowed chocolate carcass down the garbage disposal. So I tried it as well. She was right, yet again. Heck, this experience was cheaper than 10 dollars and WAY more fun. We were suddenly excited to have a box of these tiny vodka shots. I kinda feel like this product is like those Wax nips. Which was just a wax bottle with a small amount of vaguely sweet liquid in it. Sure you could chew the crappy wax but then you'd just have a mouth full of crappy wax. No thanks. Just let us bite the heads off and drink their guts, thank you.

S-Before figuring out to bite the top off and not eat the chocolate. 2 out of 5. After changing up the experience-4 out of 5.
d- I agree. 100 %

So not everything is a great idea. Not everyone is right about ow to experience things. They all were experiences though and even the bad ones, when shared with friends, can become laughable fun experiences.

Until next time, something, something, and something.-Aesop

......................................

.FOOrD BLOrG. My Ding Dong and Cracker Nuts.

2012-01-17T21:01:00.000-08:00

What is in a name really? If you ask me-EVERYTHING. You see, being named Dirk, many people in my life have gotten my name wrong. Sure, now there are olympic athletes and ball players named Dirk but for some reason people still get it wrong. Derrick. Yea, people are constantly thinking that I say my name is Derrick. Do me a favor and say my name and then say Derrick. Notice a difference? Yes? Me too. A big one. My name is short and one syllable. I have a one clap name. Derrick sounds like a name created by combining two names. Like naming a kid after both parents. Like Dermot and Rick named their son after themselves. I am not saying there is anything wrong at all with Derrick having two dads. I am saying his name is stupid.

The thing about naming something is you are the person in complete control. That is to say, you are responsible for how this all unfolds. Wether it is naming a kitten or a child or even your own business, there is a chance that you might not make the best decision. Maybe have a consultant or someone help you. Anywho, it is with this idea of names that we approach todays snacks. So open up, this is all true and at times a tad difficult to swallow.

(*Today's rating scale will feature names that I am glad I don't have.)

Yes. That is a sack of Ding Dongs. It is not the first snack called a ding dong but since Hostess just filed for chapter 11, it may be the last. I found this on a recent trip to an Asian grocery store. The cost was around 2 dollars. Let's just take a moment to admire the weird creepy elf that is clearly up to something questionable. He is doing that shifty sideways glance and putting a finger to his lips partly to express craftyness and also to signal that we shouldn't tell anyone about what he was about to do with that bell. I like nothing about being forced into some kind of blood oath with some kind of under dwelling being. Now look at his pinky. That isn't how I ring a bell. That IS how I drink tea but ring a bell? I think not Derrick. I think not.

Ok so we have a snack mix. Lets just look and see what is all in.....um, what the f*ck is cornick? Now I know what those other things are but cornick? Also just to be honest, look at how they put "All in one snack." after the list of things in the sack. Like it is a miracle. LOOK! BEHOLD AT THIS AMAZING FEAT! I TOOK THESE SEPARATE THINGS-PUT EM IN A BAG AND NOW THEY ARE ONE. I AM THE GOD OF DING DONG. (Please don't refer to me as that.) Look buddy, any random crap you put in a bag is the same thing. I mean anything you eat at one point in time becomes a uniform snack. Ok, lets just move on. Lets open the bag.

Well, you may have noticed that everything in the bag is tiny. Like the size of baby teeth. Oh and curls? I think not. None of the chip curls are actually long enough to curl. There are peanuts in there. The tiniest peanuts that I have ever seen. I decided to taste all the parts individually and to be honest they all taste the same. All parts taste like corn. So despite the phenomenon of putting all these different things in a bag, it all tastes like just one thing. Yes, even the peas. I am sure kid's have been wishing for years that peas tasted like corn but I am rather disappointed. The snack isn't salty or strange in flavor it just is corn. Tiny corn snack is what they should call it. I mean I didn't eat a lot of it but I imagine somebody out there really likes Ding Dong and when their friend invites them to lunch they say "I would but I am so full of Ding Dong right now."

I give this snack a 2-Fanny Whiffers, I mean boy or girl this kid is going to get sat on. A ton.-out of 5.

Ok, so now we have moved on to Cracker Nuts. While the name isn't quite as unfortunate as the first snack, it isn't great either. Not just because I am white either. (You racist.) I am willing to bet that this snack is 50% cracker and 50% nuts. Unlike the first snack which was (hopefully) 0% dong. (This product was procured for me by my awesome wife from Fubon.)

Yep. They are simply peanuts that have been cracker coated and seasoned. This flavor being "Hot and spicy". Once again I have been mislead by packaging for my cracker nuts were neither hot nor spicy. Flavor wise, they taste like peanuts with a stale coating. Much like if you ever got any kind of peanut snack out of a quarter vending machine. They always tasted stale. Like the bowling alley or where ever you were eating them was built around that vending machine. Like you are eating a piece of history. It isn't terrible really. You first taste the seasoning which is sodium and a pinch of pepper and maybe some cayenne. Then the cracker shell busts open and you got nuts in your mouth. The end. Not a bad snack altogether. Heck I might even try the other flavors. Well, maybe not. I still have half my cracker nuts left.

I give this snack a 3-Felanie- like melanie but with an f. And if you think she isn't going to smoke by the age of 12 and be preggers by 15, you gotta another thing coming-out of 5.

This was found in the jewish section of a regular grocery store. It is a Kosher snack. I am not Jewish so I have no idea what that means but I believe it involves a rabbi. Can we just take a second and notice what the hell is happening on the bag. I mean did the kids from Rugrats grow up and start a Kosher chip company? Chuckie has lost some weight and Tommy had to get glasses that is too bad. Looks like he never got a full head of hair either. Huh. Bummer.

Ok It also hails from Israel. Which I have been spelling "isreal" all this time. Like 'yo this place IS REAL!.' Thanks spell check.

Oh. Well that doesn't look like a cheese curl. In fact it looks healthy. Like it is made of wheat. The chips have the texture of concrete. Seriously. I think you could skin a knee on one. They don't have an overwhelming bbq flavor either. Really they have a flavor like you should feel ashamed for trying to eat chips. Like you should not only not eat chips but if you do then you should eat these so that you could wish that you weren't eating chips. If that makes sense. There was nothing sinfully delicious about this snack. Actually it mostly tasted like wheat and sadness. I think you could taste the tears from whomever tilled the wheat in the snack. Bissli- a tear in every bag.

I give this snack a 2-Ivana Mandic. Yep. That is an actual name of a girl from Yugoslavia. You can see here id online. It is a classic terrible name. How she survived high school we may never know. Or if he did-out of 5.

Thanks to my wife for support and awesomness and thank you for reading. Snack on!

Lastly here is a strange picture from the top of the bag-

You are welcome.

.FOOrD BLOOrG. A new Beginning (in chocolate)

2012-01-10T21:32:00.000-08:00

It seems odd to me-how we dissect time by 365 days. Yet we do and once new years happens we act like everything has a chance to renew, be better, and leave the rest in the previous year. That is so weird but many of us feel that way. By changing that one digit on our checks (who writes checks anymore?) we concrete ourselves in a new era- a dawn of things to come. Hope and ambition (aside from hangovers) most often are attributed to the beginning of a new year. The idea that this is the year. Our year, things will align and great things will happen. Often old hatchets will be buried, bad blood will be forgotten, or at least a second chance will be given.

This is more the case of the seventeenth chance given but it is given nonetheless. In this entry we have two chocolate treats and I am aided by Sarah, Dave and Mark. In the event that you haven't noticed-I am taking this snack review blog very, very, very, seriously now.

This product was procured at a Foster & Dobbs in Portland, OR. I selected it because it sounded pretty indecent to the digestive system. It was around $6 in cost. I realize that isn't the best selection method but that is the truth. I don't really know anyone who enjoys white chocolate. To be completely honest, I think it is kind of creepy. Like white people. Ok, I don't really think white people are creepy. (Except really white people. Like me but with light grey eyes...and sharp teeth. Oh no, I need to focus and not get off topic. Serious.)

So this chocolate has pink pepper corn and lemon within it. Enticing? I thought it would taste like throw up. Or more precisely like one had thrown up. However, Dave and Mark were over and so the four of us tasted this product. What follows is a sampling of how that event went down:

S-Mmm. It is good. It tastes like lemon bars. I don't taste the peppercorn though. (At this point, Sarah scoured the chunks of chocolate bar for a visible pepper corn.) Wow. It is really good with the pepper corn. 5 out of 5.

Dave- Oh yeah. This is delicious. (Takes second piece) Yep. This is really good! (Takes third piece)
5 out of 5.

Mark-This is very interesting. It is very much chocolate. It is very good. 5 out of 5.

dirk-Hmm. It tastes like bad lemon flavored white chocolate and I don't get any peppercorn. (Encouraged to take second piece.) Ok, I get it. Needs more pink peppercorn. That is what ties it altogether. 3 out of 5.

Our second choice was found at the Woodsman Market also here in Portland, OR. The Woodsman is a cool little market next to the Woodsman tavern and Stumptown. They have high end groceries and local top quality products (like Marshall's Haute Sauce). At the counter we found a selection of Woodblock Chocolates.

After the encouragement of the sales lady we went with the salt and nibs flavor. I mean what isn't better with salt? Answer: eye drops. Eye drops are way better if you don't put salt in them. No joke sister, serious knowledge for you. Serious. Also wet denim swim shorts. Do not put salt in your wet denim swim shorts. You will not be comfortable in salt filled denim swim shorts. (I mean, why did you choose denim swim shorts in the first place? Were they out of pleather and camel hide? Also where do you shop? Their tailor has some serious issues and may have never in fact been swimming. Now if you want to have some real fun just palm some salt. Just enough to lightly dust your hand and then shake somebody's hand. Do not acknowledge that you have a weird crunchy dust on your hand and if they say anything just shrug like your hands are always crispy and weird. Now just sit back while they spend the rest of the day wondering what could be crystalized all over the palm of a persons hand. Oh no, I am doing it again.

Seriously serious guys.

As you can discern from the above photo-this company is a proud PDX product. I don't recollect the price but I'd guess between 3 to 5 dollars. I think it was 4 dollars American. (Like you are going to use Rubles. Remember Yakov Smirnoff? Whatever happened to that guy?) Regardless of that previous fiddle faddle here is the breakdown:

Dave-Whoa. Intense. I like it but it is SO intense. 4 out of 5.

S- I give it a 3 for having never had anything like it. Having said that, I kinda feel sick. 3 out of 5.

Mark-Wow man. This is really intense. It is high quality and really good but not at all my thing. I can't think of a time that I would want it. Ever. So I have to give it a 2 out of 5 for that reason.

dirk-AH! Woo! Bitter. Salty. WHOA! It is really good but SUPER gnarly. This chocolate is not f*cking around. This isn't chocolate that you taste. This chocolate tastes you and it tastes blood and wants to kill your face!!!! OK. Maybe not but it isn't a joke. At all. 3.5 out of 5 for sheer unbridled force.

So there you have it, a serious snack post...Ugh. Ok I tried but I can't do this. POOP, BOOGER, PEE PANTS and ghosts probably toot in your water glass at night. . . . (sigh) There, I mean sure it is a new year but lets not get unrealistic. Lets just agree to be who we are alright? The same weird off kilter but functional people that those around us can tolerate and in some cases love. There isn't anything wrong with that. At all.

Check out this link to something Dave is doing currently with his friend Mark

vanuary.com

Check out this band. 2012 is going to give us their second album named after Dave Drusky. I am guessing it will be many peoples album of the year pick.

http://www.capybaramusic.com/

thanks again for reading. I will be back soon with the usual bad jokes and snacks. It is a joke people. I am not going legit in anyway what so ever. I am and will be a mess. See you soon. Really soon.

p.s. Change the water in your bedside glass. No reason. (Ghost Dad)

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Something to chew on. (end of the year edition)

2011-12-29T16:52:00.000-08:00

Well, here we are. The end of another year. A time when many people reflect on 365 days of happenings and look ever onward to another hopeful year of bounty and change. (Or they just get drunk and try to open mouth kiss someone at midnite) New years has always been odd to me. When you are a kid you just want to stay up late. Then you get older and you just want the champagne. Then you get older and you just want to stay home. However there are a quadrant of people who make resolutions and plan life changes and the such. I know, sounds exhausting. Now I am not one of those people but last year I made one. I decided to wear more grey and acid washed denim. It worked out nicely. Sure I didn't lose 15 lbs or save orphans or learn to skydive. (Technically everyone knows how to skydive since you are really just falling. Lets be honest, gravity is doing most of the work.) But I digress, with all this mulling over of things this seems a fitting time to return to the snack that takes time to break down, gum.

Oh, a two-fer! Well, half of this doesn't sound vomit-licious. First up today we have popcorn and cola flavored gumballs. This was a gift from Dave I think. I was happy to see that it says "2 flavors" as I think combined it would be way worse.

Yes. It looks like everything is in order here. Brown must be cola and yellow must be poopcorn. (Oops, sorry about that.) The balls have very little scent. There is a slight popcorn odor, however. I decided to warm up to the challenge by chewing the cola gum first.

Nothing. Really bland. Not even overtly sweet. I have had some amazing cola gum from Japan. This is not amazing or great or good or even ok. I thought this would be one of the high notes of this post. Boy was I wrong. Now on to -gulp- popcorn.

UGH. It tastes like popcorn. Like buttery-cinema popcorn! Why??? Who on this planet was eating popcorn and thought "I wish I had some gum for when I finish this popcorn so I can just keep this popcorn thing going." Sick!!!!!

Ok, now together.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! blarg! URP. Blech!!!! Who would want this??? Sweet, buttery, corn flavor..... Oh no. I feel noxious. I need to lay down or eat a pepto bismol factory.

I give this "treat" a .5- i will watch every Shirley Temple movie and try to eat less carbs-out of 5.

Ah. Sarah brought me the next three entries and they all hail from Japan. Oh Japan, you wonderful land of candy which I find far superior to my homeland. (Not you, Sweetarts. I love you.) The first of the three is peach and it hails from the Bourbon company. I won't go into the history of the company but if you want to know: http://www.bourbon.co.jp/english/company/history.html

I have tried a few of their products and they have been pretty solid. This gum is no exception. It is peach. Upon unwrapping it you are hit with a pungent sweet peach perfume. The smell reminds me of buying peach-o's as a kid. You know, when you could walk up to the counter and open the plastic tub of them and use crappy plastic tongs to retrieve the peach flavored gummy. The flavor is solid and peach-tastic but as with most stick gum, the flavor dissipates far too quickly. I mean why keep chewing it if the flavor goes away? Why not just make it candy? Is there someone that is thinking "I like candy but I don't like swallowing the candy. I'd like the sweetness and at the same time create more waste." Why not just skip the gum and flavor the wrapper? Then you just chew on the paper and spit it out. Actually why don't we flavor every recyclable material and then the homeless can eat and help the planet at the same time? No?
Well not all my ideas can be good ones. I give this snack a 3- I am going to learn tap dance and morse code-out of 5.

Next up is Grape. Possibly my favorite flavor of candy from Japan. They just do it so very right. This one, however, is a bit more american in flavor style. In what way? First off, it smells like Hubba Bubba grape gum. Yeah. Which is pretty rad. Then there is the taste. Totally like the smell. This business is just like classic grape hubba bubba gum only in stick form. That part is a shame because the smooshy pillowy goodness of hubba bubba is part of the pleasure factor. That aside, this sh*t is delicious. In fact I am chewing three pieces right now and I am in grape heaven. Downside: flavor fades after 3 minutes. Upside: that is like 3 minutes in heaven. (Not the game where you try to get to 3rd bass in a dark closet. And not the 3rd bass that rapped about pop goes the weasel.) I give this snack a 4.5- I am going to jog a marathon and only eat raw foods.......and judge EVERYONE!-out of 5.

I feel like I have covered this. Maybe not. So here we have classic Lotte Ginseng gum. Another in the stick variety. My amazing wife found this for me and it smells like dirt. (That isn't her fault but seriously it smells like dirt.) It smells kind like if you put ben gay on your hand and then stuck your hand in dirt and then smelled it. Yea, it smells like earth medicine. (my new hippie jam band) Which I guess makes sense since ginseng is medicinal and from the earth. The taste is like the earth. Really earthy. I cannot stress that enough. Did I saw earthy yet? EARTHY. Yeah, wow. Ok after about a minute of earthyness there is a bit of sweetness and ginsengness. Overall, not my favorite thing. Pretty far from my favorite. (earthy) See here is my problem: it isn't bad but I like my ginger and ginseng items to not be sweet. Just give me the raw power of those things. You don't need to go and make everything super sweet. I give this gum a 2-I am going to travel the world with google earth-out of 5.

Ok. Lastly we have Mastic. Sarah and I found this at an ethnic grocery. I think it was Lebanese. I think. This gum is quite interesting. You can read all about the health benefits by clicking on this link.
http://www.life-enhancement.com/article_template.asp?id=1678

Alas I am no doctor. I just want to eat it. It has no scent at all. Biting into it there is a slight sweetness as the candy shell crackles between your teeth. The from within its center comes a raging earthyness. Wait. Seriously? More earthyness? Come on!

As can be expected from something that fights stomach ulcers and kills bacteria on your teeth: it sucks to eat it. It is not good. So that you don't have to buy this and try it simply go outside and dig up something with a root. Now put that dirty root in your mouth. Mmmmmm. Now go wash out your dirty root mouth.
I give this snack a 1-I am going to spend more time with family and quit drinking...maybe not-out of 5.

.FOOrD BLOOrG.

2011-12-06T19:28:00.000-08:00

Well, either to your delight or dismay the holiday season is upon us. For me, it is to much delight. I like to spend my time doing nice things for people I care about. It makes me feel good to do whatever that is. It could be something as simple as making a mix for someone or drawing something that I hope they get a smile or a chortle out of. (Yea, I look forward to chortles.) So a season pretty much about showing someone that you thought about them is pretty dope to me. Sure people say it is about different faiths, Coca-Cola, consumerism, greed or any other thing. To me it is simply an ok to do something nice without people getting weird about it. So if you believe it is a time for those other things than we shall just agree to disagree. (Fine by me because I have been drawing pictures of you with ginormous shoulders. I give them to my friends and they chortle about your freakish shoulders.) Well, enough jibber jabber lets us feast upon snacks!!!

Todays rating scale is brought to you by: not the best ways to say you care.

Ok so Sarah and I found this at Fubon. I am not familiar with mangosteen. It looks like something from a b-movie that would open and a ghoulie or paper mache alien would crawl out. It was like 1.99 or so for a bag (like 30 pieces) so I thought why not give it a try.

The candy is small and rectangular. Pretty darn cute if you ask me. I opened it up and it looks like a taffy. I thought this was more of a hard candy deal but whatever. For a second I was thinking this was in the Durian family so I expected a fart smell. Luckily no fart smell. Instead it smelled like muscat or really perfumed grapes. The texture was quite hard at first and then it kinda became taffy like. By kinda, I mean it affixed itself to my teeth and was not going to go quietly into my gullet. This wasn't bad though since the flavor was much like the smell. Fruity and sweet. (not unlike myself) Quite fine with the exception of the possible dental damage. This could have been far worse had it gone down the fart road. (Dear lord, I do not pray often but if you could please make sure I never go down the fart road. Thanks.)

I give this treat a 4-you bought me a book about how to give good foot massages-out of 5.

Um. Ok so what is this? Lets check the back.

What the???

Huh. I honestly haven't had any Turkish candy to my knowledge. I looked up the word "peber" and it means pepper. So that sounds pretty good. I see the back of the bag has a heating scale so this could really be fun. Like a spicy cough drop. Do those exist? They should. Lets toss one in the ole hatch. (hmm)

Oh dear god no. Ick. ARGH......the humanity. It......is........black......licorice. BAHHHHHHH!!!! ugh.

(5 minutes and a cup of coffee later)

That went well.

So upon further inspection this product is black licorice flavored and has pepper in the center along with ammonium chloride. The latter ingredient is what makes black licorice taste salty and astringent. Ok, so here is the breakdown of my experience.

I put it into my mouth and it tasted buttery kind of. Then it began waves of black licorice flavor. I don't like black licorice. I REALLY don't like black licorice. So this product might be great for you but for me it couldn't be much worse unless it was served in a vinegar soaked used sock. As for the center, I didn't get there. Remember when that owl on the tootsie pop commercial was all like "how many licks..1,2,3" and then he bit it? My experience here was like that only it involved gagging and spitting into the trash instead of a tootsie center. (I was dressed like an owl that had somehow gotten a questionable college education somewhere. I mean, seriously it is hard for people to get into programs and become professors and somehow this owl did? And yet he is stumped by a candy?..He is like "I can't wrap my educated owl brain around what is happening on this stick. Good thing I will have a chance to inspect it again when I vomit it back up since I have no anus..um,.what were we talking about?)

The thing about this snack and others like it (chili rokkas) is that while it isn't for me, I know that there are people who love it. Half the time I share my snacks after these posts my friends or coworkers love whatever it is I didn't like. But here, In the Mouth of Snackness, I rate these eaties. I give this snack a .5- Oh, a book of daily inspirational quotes. Thank you, I know right where I want to shove this...I mean "put" it.-out of 5.

Ok, WTF. (This is about the shoulders comment isn't it?) Creamy corn candy? Ugh. OK. I can't blame anyone else. I saw this when we got the mangosteen candy and the sheer grossness required me to buy it. Let me just say that I had a bad feeling buying it and a worse feeling putting it up to my mouth.

Oh man. It smelled like I remember that corn that people buy to go fishing. Have you smelled that? It is rank. Like hobo halitosis rank. Like if corn ate corn while drinking milk and then vomited corn into your hair dryer and then you dryed your hair with the corn puke dryer while you snorted a packet of splenda. (you know, like that.) I put this into my mouth and oh no. Bad. The first thing you taste is a sweetness quickly and I cannot stress that enough, followed by the creamy corn flavor. I could not get this out of my mouth fast enough. This is so disgusting it seems like a practical joke. Played on my mouth by someone who is about to be drawn with gargantuan shoulders. The thing is, I do this to myself. Poor weird me. At least I was smart enough to not bite the taffy for if it had adhered to my teeth I would have up chucked for sure. (You know, blow chunks, bark at ants, bring it up for a vote, urp, spill stomach soup, vorbal the chibbits....Ok I don't think that last one was real.)

I give this snack a 0-Oh you bought me a bike pump. Why does it say Penis on it?-out of 5.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this post and the holiday season. If you are one of those people who likes to humbug and go against the grain just to be miserable. I am sorry. I hope someday you choose to just be open to the kindness of people. Sometimes people need a designated time to think of others and it is ok to be thought about. At least look at it this way, being mad often and being a curmudgeon is hard on your heart and stressful. Let's face it, we all don't live forever. Try to enjoy your time here because when you are dead you are dead and all that is left is a coffin. A weird shaped coffin in order to fit your HUGE expansive ungodly shoulders.

And good will to everyone.

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Chomp Chompin' Chipies!!!!

2011-11-28T19:21:00.000-08:00

The shape and the order of the thing is in constant shift within the world of food. Here is a scenario: "Hey people, do you like pumpkin pie?" People answer in crotchety old man voice "Yes, but I am soooo tired of having to chew it and I always want ice cream too but my freezer is filled with sea bass!" Our solution: "Well why not drink pie? Here is a pumpkin shake!" Then all those people (with weird old man voices) rejoice "Y-A-Y!" And scene.

Here is another scenario: "I like eating fresh fruit but it is SOOOO hard to keep buying it at the store and then it just gets bruised and yucky." (Actual testimony by Tyler Wauldrup the first 2 year old stock broker.)
"Well Tyler, how about fruit that is ground up and then coated in sugar and squished into a bar form?" His response "Y-a-y! I go boom boom!" (We should have edited that last part. I am sorry.)

Now in both those scenarios one could argue that by changing the shape and order of the item it becomes more easily transportable. That is true. But it also changes it into something else. Somebody had to do tricky things to those initial ingredients and take things away and add things to them. You aren't really drinking just pie and ice cream or eating "real" fruit, in most cases. So I bought some chips also known as chippy chorps, chip chips, or eat crunch crunch flats and here are the results.

First up we have this product which I have no idea what it is called. I bought it at Fubon on a recent trip with my amazing wife. This picture isn't great I know but it shows the only english on the front. Sarah found these and I thought "What a good idea. I will eat healthier at lunch time if I have dried fruit." Then I thought "Was Howard the Duck really too groovy for gravy and too precious for pate?" When I returned from deep thought, we had bought the chips.

Ooooh! Those look healthy and delicious! Don't they? Well it is a good thing that they didn't pluralize the fruits on the front because there was one strawberry chip. Yeah. One. There was like 59 banana chips and a bunch of either jackfruit or apple. I have no idea what jackfruit looks or tastes like and I ate it. I think. Look right there in the front. I am pretty sure that isn't apple. The problem here is that everything kind of tasted like apple or banana or both. Then there is the issue of texture, which here, everything had the crunch of astronaut ice cream. Which made me think perhaps this isn't fruit anymore. Sure I have had dried fruit in cereals and things but this stuff was really dry and had a strange powdery outside. Like maybe a chemical had dried it. Now I am not putting this snack down. I am just saying, I have some questions. (Other than the one about Howard the Duck.) I give this snack a 3-cookie dough squeeze tube called "cookie squirts" Now you can have cookies in a tube. when a friend says"oh man i got cookie crumbs all over my clothes. You can say, "Not me, I have cookie squirts."-out of 5.

Next we have Cassava chips. Now if you aren't familiar with Cassava, you might be more familiar with yuca. Which is what it is. Huh. Same thing. It is a starchy thing that is the third largest source of carbs in the tropics. So with that in mind, what a great thing to turn into a chippy chorp. But wait, if this is just another carb then why not just eat a potato chip? Well, it is all natural. Wait, isn't a potato all natural? Um, yes. But this has only 140 calories (per small amount that nobody actually stops eating chips at.)
So it has the same amount as the average "healthy" chip or "baked" chip. Lets take a look.

Well they are quite pretty. They have little aroma. Perhaps a touch of sweet notes rather than the salt I can usually detect from a bag of chips that are said to be "salty". The crunch is satisfying but the flavor is kinda mundane. I mean, look, you want to eat better? Take an actual vegetable in your lunch. A carrot has a great crunch and if you dip it in marshallshautesauce.com then it will have awesome flavor. But if you are going to eat chips and think healthy...that is a different thing. Lets face it, in the end you ate 3-500 calories of something that you didn't enjoy as much as the real thing. So are these crunch crunch flats bad? Not at all. They taste like a yam with some cayenne on it that was maybe lightly fried or maybe baked. I give it a 3-A new snack sponsered by hip hop artists. It is nuts ground into a powder that is then sprinkled on shredded jerky. You eat it like people use chew. Just tuck it into your lip and let it slowly give you sustenance for up to an hour. When your co-workers say "man, I am dragging. Must be low blood sugar." You can reply "Not me, I have Yo-Nuts in my mouth."-out of 5.

Lastly we have this. I have no idea what this is called. I had to by it because it had a chicken screaming, it looks like the chip is shaped like a chicken leg, and there is a chef and a safari hunter double high fiving while they cry. (The latter being something I have always wanted to see. My bucket list just got shorter.) If you can believe it, this only cost 2 dollars. Yeah, I kinda want to frame it. But wait, it gets better.

Oh what? There is a cartoon inside the box?!? Of my favorite scene where the safari hunter (ok, he has to be the worst safari hunter if he is after a chicken. A chicken.) has a stick with a hand on it and he goes to a gun store guy that totally wants a chicken. The gun store guy is like "hey how about you try a gun?" and the safari dude is like "I don't know. This stick with a hand on it has been working pretty nicely."and the gun store guy is like "Oh yeah? what have you killed?" and the safari dude is like "Um, if by killed you mean slapped the hell out of with a stick with a hand on it...... 2 kittens and a diabetic gorilla..... but the last one may have been a dream."

That it what I imagine is happening anyway.

Yes!!! The chips are shaped like chicken legs!!!! (There were more than three in the bag.) So I can pretend I am eating fried chicken with my sandwich at lunch?!? Awesome. Kind of. The only problem I have with this snack is that fried chicken is too hard to approximate the taste of. That being said, I have no idea if that is the idea behind this snack. So we have a corn puff shaped like a chicken leg with a slight chicken in a biscuit taste (but far less creepy tasting) with a touch of cayenne for heat. Obviously this is intended for kids so the heat scale won't be super hot. I sometimes forget that when I am looking at these snacks. That whole intended audience thing. If I was a kid (kinda am) I'd want this. I'd buy it for a kid just to watch them wtf their way thru it. I give this snack a 4.5-Do you like gravy but can't find the time to make it? Well how about gravy pouch? Simply fill the insulated pouch with your choice of stock and add one teaspoon of thickener and seal it up and drop it in your pocket. Then go on your usual one mile jog and when you are done, so is the gravy! The next time a family member says "Gladis, this gravy is to die for. Is it store bought?" You can proudly exclaim "No, I made my own gravy. In my pants."-out of 5.

*All grading scale ideas are of my own mind and trademarked accordingly. Any intent on stealing these gems will result in a ton of voodoo rituals and general bad mouthing.

P.s. Don't buy stocks from Tyler. So far I am in 500 dollars to something called momma and dadda.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Bevies for a Barfly.

2011-11-21T18:31:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine was recently telling me that he has an immense fear of metamorphosis. Yeah, you read that right. Like human into werewolf or Wilford Brimley into The Thing or caterpillar into butterfly. (Maybe not the last one so much.) In particular, the scene in 'An American Werewolf in London' really messed him up. The idea of bones stretching and bodies rearranging their order terrifies him. When he told me of this I was stunned. I had never thought of those types of transformations as scary in a real sense. Perhaps the idea of all the changes happening fast is where part of his fear lies. I am not sure. What I do know is that I also share this fear. Only the metamorphosis that I fear is a long drawn out process simply referred to as 'growing up'.

Don't worry, I am not freaked out or anything because there is a very good chance that at my age now I would have grown up some. I think it is safe to say that a candy loving, cartoon drawing, funny face making, silly dancing, strange voice talking, toy playing individual such as myself, might be impervious to such afflictions of the mind. Only time will tell. My words to you, dear friends, is fight it! Fight back with all your might! Build a fort in your living room. Fill out some Mad Libs. Wear your halloween costume anytime you want. Tell someone every single detail of something that they don't care about. (Pokemon) Tell anyone to watch you do something. (Jump off a chair or click your heels together or both) Ask your co-worker "how tall is your dad?"...then reply "Mine is taller." Eat too much candy. (Yeah, like that is possible.) You can do it! Remember your youth and pay it the respect it deserves. There are too many adults stressed out in the world already. But hey, since you are an adult, there is one popular way to relieve those stresses. Hiking. Oh, wait I meant drinking.

So first we have a chocolate pumpkin stout with cocoa nibs, cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg. This beverage came from The Belmont Station in PDX. There were a few different pumpkin beers to choose from and this one was the most expensive. At least that is how I remember it. It cost around 9.50 or so. I thought that it seemed like a special bevvy worthy of a post and I waited for the next time Dave came over. It is fall and they did take the time to metamorphosize a pumpkin into a beer. Luckily my wife (Sarah) was having a birthday gathering that weekend so I knew Dave (and any of our friends who are really awesome) would be coming over soon.

This son of a gun was dark and powerful. A little goes a long way for someone like myself. I mean, I will usually have one full flavor beer and then transition into lighter beer. (metamorphosis of beverage intake) So about four or six ounces of this was all I needed. Flavor wise it was full and deep with some spice notes but nothing like the label says. (Again, it could be my ignorant tongue. It is just so very stupid.) Dave also said that he didn't taste some of the spices. Maybe that is the point. A smooth blend without stand out prominence of spice. But I kind of doubt it. My guess is that the brew out weights the bouquet. . . brewquet. (see what I did there?) I would say, if you are interested in any aspect of this label or just dark beer then you should try it. Just find a buddy or two and make a memory. I give this beverage a 3-draw a picture of your house and who lives there in crayons-out of 5.

Up next we have cyder. But not any cider. This one is an Asian Pear cyder. (Huh, those three short sentences were meant to be epic. I don't think that worked out for me. I should probably erase them or at least stop narrating to you about them.) We were recently over at Sarah and Dave's elders home and Emm had this hard cyder which he busted out for us to try. I like his style. Always have. Share your treats peeps. Share your treats. (Unless your treat is a Peep. Those things are grotesque. Grotesque is an adult way of saying 'I'd rather eat poo farts.)

Where was I? Oh yes, so Emm opened his cyder and we all had a taste. Frankly, it tasted like apple cyder. Sarah thought so and I agree. We didn't taste much pear at all. However, Dave and Emm totally did. Which is something I often find. What one person enjoys, another detests. It is like a natural balance in the world. I mean if everyone liked Sweetarts then the world would run out and I would have to be quite perturbed. (Perturbed is adult speak for throwing yourself onto the ground and flailing your limbs and screaming words that nobody can make out until you accidentally hit your heel on something and then you are really crying and can only feel foolish because you secretly knew this whole tantrum wasn't going to result in you getting what you want in the first place.)

Was this a bad cyder? Nope. Yet, it wasn't mind blowing either. I don't drink a ton of cyders. In fact I had a cyder a week ago and it was the first one I have had in a decade or so. I will say this though, the one I had a week ago was syrupy and coated my mouth with not greatness. This did not. It was light and fruity and not overly sweet. I give this beverage a 3.5- jump on your bed and sing into a hair brush-out of 5.

Holy smokes. (Where did that saying come from? Did jesus have his own tobacco line at some time?) Well, we have come full circle with this whole metamorphosis post. We end with a beer called "MORPHO' which is brewed with yerba mate, hibiscus flowers and bay leaves. I came across this beer when Sarah and I were on that same trip to Belmont Station. Pretty much anytime I see a beer brewed with herbs I have to get it. So I did and then, once again, when Dave and our good pal Caleb were over I opened it up and we gave it a taste.

Weird. Is a simple way to wrap it up. The beer is a light amber color and smooth at first. Then the mate and herbs come to the party. The herbs are the last to leave the party which isn't terrible but it is thought provoking. I found myself contemplating each drink. Just sitting and thinking about what was happening on my taste buds. That is when Caleb dropped some "real" on me. He said "Oh man, this would be great with lemonade." I had never even thought of it as an ingredient but he was totally right. Buy this beer and share it with friends. It is well made and quite interesting. (I couldn't drink more than a glass.) Then mix it in a glass 70% Morpho and 30% lemonade (I like my lemonade like I like to dress- as fresh as possible). The result is a refreshing, herbaceous, tart beverage. Yum. Who doesn't love lemon and herbs right? (A kid would tell you that 'buttfaces don't.')....(and he'd be right.) I give this meta-MORPHO-sis a 4-get up on a chair and tell everyone around you that the floor is lava-out of 5.

It looks more red because of the red bottom on the glass. Oops.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Ordinary Coffee Blog Post.

2011-11-14T17:34:00.000-08:00

"Harry, I am going to let you in on a little secret. Everyday, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it. Don't wait for it. Just let it happen. It could be a new shirt at the men's store, a cat nap in your office chair or two cups of hot black coffee. Like this."- Dale Cooper

Truer words have rarely been spoken. Not only am I a huge fan of treating ones self but I am an immense fan of coffee. In fact, our home has not one but many ways of creating coffee. Ranging from the espresso machine, cold extract, or the french press. To the old fashioned coffee pot or percolator. While I may like to make coffee in many ways I take it only one way.

"I like my coffee black just like my metal."-J. Urine

This is my most expensive post ever!!!!!! (In theory)

Technically speaking the second half was a gift but we will get to that.

First we need to discuss this-

Incase you didn't know, David Lynch has a coffee that you can buy online. Luckily I have an awesome wife, who with the help of some wine, bought this coffee even though the shipping was more than the coffee. I don't care about that. Treat yourself, right?

This could be tricky, I mean what if it isn't even coffee. What if you get it and a one eyed dove hobbles out of the box and bums a cigarette from you. You couldn't really return it because in some transcendental way that "is" David Lynch coffee. We don't know. I mean the dude paints with rotting meat. (By the way, he just released a full album and it is really a doozy. Check it out!) My point is that between Sarah and I we have many of his various ventures and the collection wouldn't be complete with out the cup of joe. We have had many late night conversations with friends about his films and symbolism and what not. So one would expect that his coffee would be a bit different. And that one would be right.

How does it taste?

"I've had I don't know how many cups of coffee in my life, but this is one of the best." -Dale Cooper

That is a quote about another coffee. This coffee was not the best. Nor did it taste like there was a fish in the percolator. Oddly enough, get this, it tasted like an espresso roast IF it was diner coffee. Right??? What??? So close your eyes a moment and think back to how true diner coffee tastes. Ponder it. Now transcend that with a touch of dark espresso lurking in the back of your mouth like Bob was lurking behind the bed. Seriously, that is what it tastes like. If you want, come on over and we will brew some and watch Mulholland Drive. Then we can discuss the significance of lamps and how to catch ideas like fish.

I give this beverage a 3.5 "I do not introduce the log." -Log Lady- out of 5.

What is that you say? Well let me start at the beginning: I grew up in a small town. I never had a billion friends. I wasn't the popular kid. I was (and am) a small little guy who liked candy, toys, and movies. I met my life friend Aaron at a very early age. We had similar interests and height and soon were best of pals. For a few years it was just us against the far larger world. We scurried about talking of ninjas and monsters until we met Devin, Ryan, and Clovis. We became the crew. You know how in Stand By Me, how the whole thing is this flash back to his pals when they were little? When I do that, those are this kids I see. So now we are all grown up and doing our own things. But from time to time we reconnect and that is always great. Now I didn't see Clovis. But Aaron did. He went on a fishing trip and Clovis is a guide down in Eugene. Well Aaron mentioned that I have this little food blorg and soon I received this mysterious package.

Within it was this-
Oh coffee. That is cool. I wonder why there is a cat monkey on the bag.... Oh what!!!! Yep. My childhood pal Clovis mailed us Kopi Lewak. Which is the most expensive coffee on the planet!!!!

Yeah! Another interesting thing about this coffee is that a tree dwelling cat-like creature (like me) in Southeast Asia eats the ripest red coffee beans and then poops out the seeds which are then collected and processed and sold as Kopi Lewak. Yup.

(Don't look up pictures of palm civits. They are not cute.)
So the beans just look like plain old coffee beans and once ground it just smelled like plain old coffee.
Now to the taste. Well. Luckily, for my wallet, I wouldn't say it is incredible. We both (S and I) took a sip and sat puzzled for a bit. The funny thing about this point is that what were we doing was most likely taking all that we knew about the process and the oddness and incorporate that into what we were tasting. It was earthy smelling and earthy tasting but the taste was missing something. Was that because it was tree cat poop coffee? No, that isn't it. What had me perplexed was that it was a light roast. (who does a light roast on cat poop coffee? I know.) We both usually drink dark roasts. With that in mind we sipped again. It was pleasant, light, and earthy. You should most likely take my word for it because Sarah said that there are restaurants that sell it for 50 dollars a cup. Yeah, I started my Saturday off with 100 dollars worth of coffee. Did you? Well, go back and read that quote at the top of this post because you know what? You deserve it. Yes my friend, you deserve to drink a beverage brewed in a cats intestine. Pat your self on the back. I give this treat experience a 4- "styrofoam never dies as long as you live"- Andy-out of 5.

*Lastly a final thanks to my wonderful wife and my dear friends. Thank you for being part of my life and weird interests. You make my life far more richer and sometimes stranger in all of the bestest of ways.

Now if you will excuse me, Leo needs a new pair of shoes.....

.FOOrD BLOrG. Got(h) Milk?

2011-11-07T17:34:00.001-08:00

Ok, once again I am apologizing for my extended absence. It was my intention to post every week in the last month but with the art show on the 15th I was really busy and then since then I was waiting on a special piece of equipment for my most expensive blog ever. Yes, I need a special machine for that post and I thought I'd have it by now. I don't so this isn't that most expensive post. Don't fret however, it is on its way. So are we okay? There has been some distance between us but lets move forward. Deal?

So today we are going to look at some products that involve milk. First things first, I think milk is creepy. I don't like to drink it. I don't like to cook with it. I don't put it on cereal. I mean if somebody said to you "Good Morning, would you like a glass of fluid that has been squeezed from another species nipples?" I would hope you'd say no. I think everyone HAS to drink milk as a kid. Parents or grandparents make you. As an adult you can choose and I say no. Yes, I like cheese but that is different. It has mold as well....Hey, quit trying to ruin cheese for me. Let's just keep this moving. Today our 1-5 will be in honor of the things parents make kids do.

Well, what a cool tin! Scho-ka-kola? That sounds fun! Like when an adult talks to a kid like they are completely stupid. "Wood yew lyke sum scho-ka-kola????" I found this when Sarah and I went to Edelweiss here in PDX. They have baked goods, meats, candies etc... Anything you need to feed your Scandanavian mouth. I picked this up and saw that it was nearly 8 dollars and set it down. Later after walking the entire store twice I picked it up again. There was a mystery here that I couldn't leave alone. I asked the lady who was stocking the shelves and she said it was chocolate and caffeine. That was enough for me and I bought it.
As you can see in the picture, the chocolates are in little pie pieces. Well, Dave and Nate came by on Sun. and that seemed like a good time to ambush my pals with some snacks. (snack attack, I know but it seemed too obvious.) So we cracked the tin and dug in.

Oh man. This has to be one of the worst nearly 8 dollars I have spent. Honestly it is weird. At first it tastes almost like chocolate and then right about when you think it is going to be a nice full chocolate flavor it turns into a mouthful of soil. Yep. soil. Nate at first said it was "earthy" but he was being kind. It was straight up a mouthful of dirt. The whole experience was like a rollercoaster of disappointment built on my tastebuds. Even better it lingered for like five minutes. That was when I realized we needed a pallete cleanser. I give this snack a 1-wear clothes you hate for picture day-out of 5.
Ok, before you say anything. I know that is a terrible picture. There are clearer pictures of sasquatch. I am sorry. I don't know what happened. I don't know what to tell you, I will try harder? I will. Sarah and I found this when Dave and Mark went with us to the pumpkin patch. It is a New Zealand company that makes licorice treats of various types. This one is strawberry licorice with a center of white chocolate. You know I don't really care for chocolate but I really don't care for white chocolate. It is creepy. I realize that is the goth calling the chocolate white.... That is a saying right? Or was it something about pot. Nevermind, it isn't important.
See, that picture almost makes it look edible... Anyway, back to sunday. So we had just ingested expensive dirt chocolate and so I tore this open and cut a few pieces off. I figured "How bad could it be?" Now lets just pause for a second and look at what this is. It is licorice that is flavored. Basically a cavity bomb. Then it is stuffed with white chocolate which is also a cavity bomb. I wasn't thinking. (Yes, I have to admit that all the time.) So we all popped them into our mouths and ugh. It really was like a massive sugar explosion. Nate said "he could feel the cavities..." I think he could. Either that or it was the Scho-ka-kola talking. Dave wasn't a big fan but he does follow the L.N.T.B. or Leave No Treats Behind act. So he ate the last piece. I have no recollection of how it tasted. It was a wall of sugar in my mouth. Not good. So Dave and I had a shot of espresso. Seemed like the thing to do. I give this snack a 1-if you don't eat it for dinner you can eat it for breakfast-out of 5.
Lastly we have this. Just look at the packaging. Even though I don't like milk I had to try this. I couldn't pass it up. Plus, I think strawberry milk is even creepier than regular milk. I don't know why. I thought it was rad when I was a kid. Mostly likely because it was different but I also thought the amount of paste, Joey (in elementary school) could eat was impressive. Now in hindsight, not so impressive. Mediocre at best there Joey. Don't quit your day job. (He didn't have a day job, he was 9. Also how am I talking to him in the past? Since when did I get a worm hole? Ewe. I just realized how gross that sounds. It also sounds like a FU from a guy in Jersey. "Hey pal, stuff it in your wormhole!")

So lets take a look at this marvel of technology.
(Ok sasquatch took that picture. It isn't his fault that it is hard to use an iphone with his big stinky sasquatch hands.) So it seems easy enough, just put the straw in the milk and sip. I can do that. With instructions that short I didn't even space off and miss part of the instruction. (Take note of that, rest of my life.)...(hold on I see something shiny)
Wait a second, somebody just melted this straw. I paid 2 dollars and something for 6 melted straws with crumby strawberry things in them? Yep. But how did it taste??? Well, I tried it with soy milk. When we were at an Oriental grocery on 82nd they gave us a free little carton of soy milk. I saved it since I then didn't have to buy milk. So first I had to try soy milk. Then I had to try soy milk with a strawberry straw.

Soy milk- ugh. No thank you. I'd like to stop the experiment please.

Soy milk with strawberry straw- This isn't any better. Also some a-hole melted this straw and put crap in it.

It didn't really taste like strawberry. This was no magic straw. So I thought well it most likely only works with 100% moo juice. I didn't have any. So I thought, maybe the soy milk is getting in the way with all of it's awesome soy milk flavor. (I didn't think that at all.) So I grabbed my glass of sparkling water and another straw. (At this point I was thinking that this was not my best idea.) Then I took a huge swig. . . . . . . .

Actually not that bad. It really did taste like strawberry. I mean, fake strawberry. Kinda like a poorman's italian soda. I guess not so poor if he had to buy a sodastream and expensive melted straws but whatever. (I think I will try gin next.) I give this item a 2-do your chores so you can get an idea of how much having a job is going to suck when you get older-out of 5.

(Note: I am not saying that my parents did or didn't do any of these things. I said "parents" in general.)

.FOOrD BLOrG. Second Chances Part deux.

2011-10-03T17:56:00.001-07:00

Ok, now where were we? Oh yes. Fall and how I love it. (The season, not the action of falling. Although that can be quite hilarious on its own.) Whenever the sun retreats and the grey reigns (eh?) the sky, I scurry (love to scurry) to the closet where I open my seasonal arsenal. It is like that scene in every James Bond movie where the spy has a droor that comes out of the wall and within it is all of his secret weapons and toys. Only in my case it is fingerless gloves, scarves, umbrellas etc... The fall is a time for layers! For closed toe shoes! (YESSSSS!) For candles and fires and red wine! For Cocteau Twins, Joy Division, and This Mortal Coil! For hot coffee! (sometimes) So maybe just maybe you need to let summer go on its merry (all too merry if you ask me) way and give fall a second chance.

Speaking of the ever allusive second chance today we are finishing our chocolate second chance post. Which is great because you aren't going to believe what I have coming up next. (Or maybe you will believe it. I don't know your belief system. Please keep that to yourself. Frankly I am sorry I mentioned it.) So, yes, chocolates. (Today's grading scale will utilize other 2nd chances.)

Up first we have Gummy Choco Apple. This product was found in Fubonn on 82nd here in PDX. Now these snackies were enticing because it has gummy+thin cracker layer+chocolate= WHAT???

Look! That chicken is wearing a chocolate helmet! That is both cool and utterly disgusting! I mean all the chocolate would melt into the feathers. Then the chocolate feathers will attract ants. Oh man what a conundrum. Where did the chicken get that chocolate anyway? I mean I understand that he/she could get the milk from a cow but then to make chocolate and don't get me started on who designed the mold that is perfect for a chicken's head. Also why is that chicken so flippin' angry? Hmmm. I can't answer that but I can tell you how they taste:

Not great.

Oh, you want to know more?! It tastes like a cheap chocolate covered raisin. I couldn't tell there was a cracker layer at all. Which really is fine with me. Sarah thought it was gross and it did remind her of chocolate covered raisins which she hates for reasons that will remain not on this blog. (If you wish to know then you can ask her and she will decide if you are worthy of this knowledge.)

When you bite into it it just becomes this glob of things not working together and it doesn't taste like apple to me at all. I give this "treat" a 1-mayonnaise is still revolting-out of 5.
Yep. Drink that all in. Obviously I didn't take that picture. I let Em open this one and try it when he was over and he desimated the wrapper like he is part badger. (I imagine badgers are quite keen on chocolate.) I guess this product hails from the UK and was Nestles attempt to make a chocolate bar that is just a five piece simple chocolate bar for men. I guess men can't handle nuts in their chocolate...or other flavors. Not like ladies I guess who need tassels and lace on their chocolate...? Yeah, I can't really wrap my head around this candy. It seems sexist or at the very least simply idiotic.
(See! Look at that wrapper! He be a badger I tells ya!)

Now about the flavor... Well, I feel the same way about this chocolate bar as I do about football; not interested. (I wish I cared about football I do. I would get invites to hang with people and cheer and what...eat and stuff. But I really have no interest in it. Don't cry for me as the world needs balance and for roughly every 1500 sports fans there needs to be one pale little man drawing pictures of a banana and Eric Stoltz high fiving. This is the burden I must carry.)

It tastes like chocolate. I mean that is all that it is. Boring mediocre chocolate. There is a boat load of fat in there too! I'd say skip this thing and get a Blizzard or a hot fudge sundae. Or eat some fresh hot brownies. (now you want a brownie don't you?) I give this a 1.5-doing sit ups is still a let down-out of five.

Lastly we have Smarties. No, not the chalky awesome tiny candies from America. (That some kids crush and snort. I know, that isn't smart....when you could just buy Pixie Stix) These are organic all natural chocolate candies from the UK. (Thanks Dave!) Just take a gander at the back.
Why not just see how bright these vegetable candies are?
Hmmm. Yeah, I think these look like fake candies. This already doesn't look like 'real' candy. These things look like the candy that some a-hole adult gives a kid because they want them to have "healthy" candy. Look party poopers, it is supposed to be CANDY. Bad for you but tastes so good candy. Don't try to pretend that this is any better for anyone because while the dyes may be from vegetables, all the fat is from the freaking chocolate that you are foolishly consuming because you think this is healthier. It ain't. Those fistfulls of 'vegetables' are just going to sit at your hips like a hobo at a stoplight. They ain't moving. It is there turf now! So don't be a fool and put hobos in your mouth. Wait, I think I lost my analogy somewhere back there.

How does it taste? Bad. Like healthy chocolate bad. Like I hate your parents for making bran carrot cake with no added sugar for my birthday bad. It is not good, bad. The thing is: this isn't healthy. They made a chocolate snack that sucks for no good reason. In fact I would argue that this chocolate tastes like it came from a bulk bin at a Winco. That is right. I said it. This is worse than poor people chocolate or at the least comparable to it. Ouch. I give this snack a 1-chocolate is STILL not my thing-out of five.

So there you have it. Two posts dedicated to giving chocolate a second chance. Some products are alright and even quite enjoyable while others are like bad pranks on your tongue. Hopefully you enjoyed this to some degree. Sarah said this was her least favorite tasting yet today. The next post is going to be one of my favorites. I can't tell you what it is about but I will say this, it will be the most expensive post I will ever do.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Second Chances Part one.

2011-09-20T20:57:00.001-07:00

It feels as though the seasons are shifting. I am extreemly excited about this. You see, this summer I decided to give it a second chance. I believe everyone and everything deserves a second chance. So I said "Summer-here is your second chance. Now do with it what you will."

Turns out summer decided to not change a thing in its program and instead give me the usual. While summer isn't my favorite, the payoff for giving it a second chance is FALL!!! I love everything about fall: cool air, rain, hoodies, heavy blankets, halloween, scarfs, gloves-oh yes this is my season. It is in this time of change that I thought another thing deserved a second chance "Chocolate".

Yes I have said a thousand times that I don't really care for chocolate BUT a lot of other people do. So for them, Sarah and I will embark on a 2 part blorg all about chocolates from around the world. The first part also features the palette of a mysterious distinguished gentleman whom we shall refer to as Emmett. (cuz that is his name...)
Ok here is a Curly Wurly. It hails from somewhere over the pond. We found it in a lebanese grocery on Stark st. here in PDX. At least I think it was lebanese. The owner seemed lebanese but it is hard to tell in some markets because they have a russian isle and a german isle etc...

Anyway that doesn't matter Lets see how it was:

S-Tastes like a rollo. I like it. Where can we buy another? It is like a rollo somebody sat on...in a good way.

E-Oh yeah, rollo. It is good. One of my favorites.

d-Rollo. A thin rollo.

It is thin and I couldn't tell why it is called what it is called because it felt flat. I couldn't tell that there was caramel in it either. A pleasant surprise for sure. If you see one. Buy it.

I give this snack a 4-spiders are still A-holes-out of five.

Why is it called a curly wurly? Behold!
Next we are returning to many a scene of snack crimes-Mexico. Yes another mexican crack at chocolate.....oh why delay it any further....

S-Mint MnMs. Cheap mint MnMs. Pretty good.

E-I agree but I like them.

d-Tastes like christmas. A cheap MnM christmas.

So they are cheap small mint chocolate balls from Mexico. Nothing fancy but Mexico has done far worse. I mean these are more enjoyable than Sixlets. I give these a 3-sunburns are still lame-out of 5.

Yes the last chocolate is from Venezuela and it is posh. Yeah, just read that label. What?? Ok that being said I really figured that this would not be great. We have been fooled before by high end chocolate with lots of gimmicks. Here we go:

S-It has the feel of pop rocks but they seem bigger. I like the pops and I am eating more of the chocolate just for the pops. Not too sure about the heat, if it needs it.

E-I like it. I get the salt very subtle but very good. The chili makes it but varies from piece to piece.

d-I agree with SARAH. It has big pops. The chocolate has a good strong flavor and the heat rises in the back of your mouth as you eat it.

This treat I expected to be gimicky but instead was balanced and fun to eat. Good chocolate with fun flavors and textures. I give this treat a 5-fruit flies and jerks and so are mosquitos-out of 5.

So summer, you fail yet again. You get too hot to do anything. You have too many bugs. Your campgrounds have too many loud children. Way too much sun. Fall can bring it on!!!

Chocolates, you haven't won me over but these treats far exceeded expectations. I dare say my first chocolate blorg that wasn't all negative but instead sucessfull.

Overall we decided that the clear winner was the Firecracker bar. I'd like to end the blorg with a quote from our mysterious distinguished gentleman in reply to me saying that the bar was 3.99.

"You can go to the store and there is a lot of sh*tty chocolates you can buy for 4 dollars."

Well put good sir, well put.

.FOOrD BLOrG. The choice is yours...but it should be mine.

2011-09-07T17:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, so lately it has been a little hot around here and I can't say that I approve of that very much but I have no choice. I mean, I have to go to work so I must venture out into the elements. That being said, in not having a choice, forces me to witness choices that others make. Choices like not wearing a shirt despite the fact that with out one you have the torso of one of those worms that people ride in the film 'DUNE'. So I began to think about how people react to the gift we all have which is the freedom of choice.

Some people really go searching before making a choice while others simply prefer to go somewhere close and buy whatever remotely meets their need. Case in point, Why is there still a mall? I mean the internet should have made these pavilions of pedestrian selections obsolete. Yet still today you can go to one and watch people buy sneakers and pretzels.... Don't worry I won't get started on how asinine it is that THAT business model has survived a recession. (Sarah has heard that rant too many times.) Why would anyone choose to eat anything in a foodcourt is beyond me! Sbarro? Chinese food from a warming tray? etc... And yet those choices are made daily. Now I am not saying I am a know it all or that I make amazing choices but people you need to look beyond plain kettle chips and french onion dip. There is a whole world of snacks waiting for consumption. Let's make some choices!
Whoa, wait.... really? Our first choice is cheetos puffs flavored like ramen with a raw egg dropped in it? YES!!!! Oh sure, I thought about Doritos falvored like Tapatio but that is just so commonplace. So obviously these hail from Japan as you maybe have noticed that the packaging is all in non-english. When I was ordering snacks last I found these and I had to try them despite the fact that I have never had ramen with egg in it. In fact I don't really care for eggs. Yet those two facts didn't stop me from buying these. (Of course facts rarely stopped me from ever doing things like being 17 and dying my hair bright pink with black cheetah spots while living amongst rednecks galore who "don't take kindly to them types")

How were they? Well since I can't compare them to the real thing food they are flavored as I will breakdown the overall taste bud execution:

First there is a pleasant corn puff crunch.

Second there is a sodium flavor much like the depth of flavor from a beef ramen packet.

Third you get a unctious almost buttery mouth feel rounding out the palette. My bet is that is how the yolk acts within the actual meal.

Good? Great? Terrible? I'd have to say the first is my answer. The first bite was confusing but by the third my mouth had figured out what was going on and kinda became addicted. Other people (Sarah) were not so keen proving that it isn't for everyone but I am glad I stepped out of the proverbial mall and made this choice. I give it a 3.5-I think if someone is rollerblading these days and you yell "shoot the duck" that they should have no choice but to have to do it or at least give it their all- out of 5. (Below be a close up of the ramen puffs.)
Mmm mmm mmm. Who doesn't like a potato? So mellow, so sedate, so unassuming. That is until you bake it into a stick form and flavor it like Yuzu and Serrano Chili! Yes, our second snack is just that and it comes packaged upright in a carton. This is from Japan as well and it just sounded so loopy that I thought I needed it. (Of course I also thought at one point that I needed a vinyl jacket and a shirt made of fishnet....like I said, I am not saying all of my choices over the years have been solid but they certainly were interesting choices.)

How were they? Not amazing. For anyone who doesn't know what Yuzu is it is a Japanese citrus that is the size of a tangerine and is sour and serranos are friggin hot! I love sour things and I love spicy things but sadly these potato sticks were neither. Just a crunchy slight tang and no heat snack. Not a bad choice but hardly an experience worth sharing. I give this humdrum snack a 1.5-If somebody is rocking a butt part hair do and you say 'butt part' I think they should have to make an inventive fart sound with their mouth.-out of 5.
(Not to mention if the said person is on rollerblades AND has a butt part then you would witness someone with a butt part shooting the duck and making inventive fart sounds with their mouth. You are welcome because that would make the world a better place.)

Next!!!
I know Pocky is hardly a new snack. I remember having it for the first time with Aaron when we went to PDQ by the house I grew up in. I have no idea how old we were but we had never seen anything like it before and while I wasn't a big chocolate fan I chose to try it. Flash forward twenty something years and on a recent trip to Fubonn and I had to pick up these Lychee flake Pocky.

Lychee has a perfume taste to it unless you can it and then the fruit just has the texture of a grape and little taste. That is what intrigued me about this. The fact that it had actual lychee flakes on it and mot simply lychee flavored cream on the cracker stick. How was it?

First, you must like lychee. It tastes like fresh lychee and weird cream. It really does. It has a perfume feel about it that really will turn some people off. Either way, a little goes a long way. To quote Dave after a bite "I get it." That is really all you need since the flavor is not so subtle. I don't think that is bad but it isn't inviting per se either. I give this snack a 3-If the only thing you have ever made "tap out" is a foot long sandwich I don't think you can wear that stupid clothing line-out of 5. Which at this point I'd like to pitch my clothing line NAP OUT. It is a couch shaped outfit you can wear that stretches over your couch perfectly making you snug with your furniture. Oh and you can nap in it.
Interesting...
Sarah bought this and I thought I would include it as another example of how Pocky is really hitting the nail on the head. If you like chocolate and coconut then this snack will not disappoint. I am not a big fan of them (we know) but it was really well executed and while not as odd as lychee quite enjoyable. I give this snack a 4-if you see a commercial for Taco Bell and drive to one the person on the intercom should have to ask you if you just saw one of their commercials and are highly suggestable and when you say yes they will direct you to an equally cheap authentic mexican restaurant/ food cart-out of 5.
Lastly we have plum flavored cheetos balls. Yeah, you read that correct. No there is no cheese involved. It is a corn puff flavored like Japanese plum. Why? I have no idea but once I knew it existed I had to have it. Was it a good choice?

No. Of course it wasn't. I mean it is a corn snack meant to taste like a fruit. Come on. We aren't talking about cereal here. A slightly salty plum flavored corn ball. Ugh. According to the bag it is 100% something and I would guess it says 100% regrettable. It tastes like an old dried plum covered in corn dust. Sick. Every who tried it described it as quite unpleasurable. This choice is about as awesome as when I drank a 16 ounce smoked dark beer and ate questionable reindeer in a sketchy german restaurant in SF. Only this snack cost 2 dollars and the meal I payed for, for days. This snack gets a 1-if Mtv can make shows where stupid people breed why don't they make a show emphasizing how famous people get when they die-out of 5. Think about it, solves so many problems. What? Too much?

Gross balls.

.fOOrD BLOrG. Something tastes like grandma...

2011-08-24T14:55:00.001-07:00

"Life is like a box of chocolates unless you are old and then it is a bowl of butterscotches."

An old person

Getting old is strange. It seems like your mind stops at a certain age and stays there. Remaining youthful and fun while your body ages and your hair turns grey. (That is not the case for all. Some people can't wait to be old fuddy duddies.) Age is bizarre much like the spelling of the word bizarre. All I know is that there are other males in the world who are 30 somethings and they don't laugh every time a chair makes a fart sound. I am not one of them. If you say "we should go get something to eat but.." I am going to say "I don't want to go anywhere that is going to make me eat butt." That is just the way it is. I have a hairstyle that looks like when a kid styles their hair in the bath. I eat more sweetarts than the average 8 year old and I draw cartoon pictures in my spare time. Adults can do what they want as long as they behave like adults. That is lame. I say do what you want, you've earned it.

These snacks today are not designed for me. They target an older demographic. A sophisticated demographic. Not a pale guy distracted from his candy blog by an episode of Spongebob Squarepants who thinks showering two days in a row deserves him a prize. Lets get to it.

(Not the shower.)

This is from Fubon and Sarah found it. The fact that it says Herbal candy is what caught our eyes. Awhile ago I had some black tea bon bons that were pretty interesting. Lets see how they fared:

S-It smells like a cough drop. First it tastes like tangerine and then it tastes like a cough drop and it makes me feel like I am sick. I'd eat it though if I was sick.

d-Yup. Cough drop. Medicinal. I don't like it. It sort of tastes like a tangerine but it is so syrupy.

It really was not herbal at all. Quite disappointing. I do like the tin and the individual wrapping. I give this snack a 2-if i ain't going outside, I ain't wearing pants-out of five.
This next snack was given to me as part of a bday prezzie from my folks. I think you can get these at Cost Plus but I am mot sure.
S- Tastes like a Bit-o-Honey but with ginger. I don't like it but I will eat it. I feel like it aids in digestion. I feel like if I eat these I would poop my pants. Why does the ginger man have a scabby acne face?

d-Ugh. It tastes like a Sugar Baby with ginger. I would not eat it again. I really hope nobody poops their pants.

He does look pretty jacked up on the box. Again I like the individual wrapping. (screw you earth) I give this snack a 2-ate a jar of salsa for lunch-out of five.
Lastly we have this Chowards gum. (I know, I just am not a chowards fan but I have passed the Chowards treats around to friends and coworkers who have thought quite highly of them.) I think this was from my parents as well. I think.
S-I like it. I think it is good. I'd chew it after eating, smoking, or drinking. The flavor goes away after about a minute.

d-Soap. It tastes like soap....and then cinnamon.....and then soap again. I don't like it. It tastes like a sachet.

What is a sachet?

It is an old lady perfume style. Imagine if you will a small bag that was scented and is kept in a bedroom. You know what? Just google it.

This was not my favorite gum. It really tastes like soap. Like my parents heard me say 'poop boogers' and made me wash my mouth out with soap...soap that I could chew. Ugh. No thank you. I give this a 1-who says a six pack is not a single serving size-out of five.

Thanks to Sarah for being my tester.

.FOOrD BLOrG. I can't drink that!?!

2011-08-18T14:28:00.001-07:00

Time again to open your mind's mouth for some serious flavor knowledge. (I don't even know what I am typing...) Hello again, summer can mean a large amount of different things to different people. To some it means time to lay out and dry their carcasses. To others it is time to walk trails in parks which I think is weird. To some it is a time to drink out on the local bar patio. To me it will always be a time for candy. So today in honor of summer we shall look at some items which are beverage themed. I mean you have to stay hydrated right? (That is not a trick question, you have to stay hydrated and yes I realize that candy is not hydrating.)

The reason summer reminds me of candy is because I have found childhood memories of summer and candy. Like eating Tart N Tinys in my parent's pool or taking the wagon full of cans to the store and buying Giant Sweetarts. (No I don't mean giant chewy sweetarts either. They were giant puck sized sweetarts and they were awesome.) The other thing that summer makes me think of is saturday morning cartoons. That concept might escape some of you young ones but there was a time when there was no internet or cartoon channels. Kids had to wait until saturday morning and then choose what to watch as three channels played cartoons until 11am or so. It sounds insane right? They were dark times indeed. But I am getting a bit off topic.

First up is Kari Poli candy sticks from Japan. I previously have talked about their candies but they were pineapple and apple flavored. The interesting thing about these treats is that they have a subtle fizzy center which didn't make sense in the previous flavors but here with 'cola' and 'ramune' flavor it sure does.

The ramune or soda flavor is not really the best. It tastes like bland bubblegum. The cola however is awesome. If you like Haribo Fizzy Cola Gummy then you'd like this snack. Sadly I think you can only find it in Japan. The box contains 12 stix wrapped n packs of two and costs around 2 dollars. I give it 4 Tooter Shellby-the green snork who comunicated by tooting-out of 5.
Speaking of things from the past, what do we have here? How old is this? The last time I saw ICEE was in the early 1980s at a Kmart when I was back to school shopping. (Needed those ESPRIT clothes) Until I received this from America and Diana as part of my bday present I thought ICEE was gone. Now I have looked online and much to my surprise they are in Burger Kings and some markets. Huh?

Maybe you knew that ICEE was still around but did they ever have carbonation? Why would they add popping candy to this treat? Why isn't this cold? Basically it is just a sucker and pop rocks. The polar bear kinda bums me out too. I mean look at what global warming has done to his ice burg. Well, he is wearing a droopy t....and jeans. (This is making my brain hurt.)
So you take the lolly and lick it and dip it into the pop rocks and then put it in your mouth. Too clinical a description? Well that sounds better than it tastes trust me. I have tried apple and lemonade. Both suckers taste like bland flavorless hard candy. And the pop rocks are worse than no brand pop rocks. Ugh. What a wasted opportunity. I bet the Slurpee version would be awesome. (Does anyone else think it is weird that a drink has the word pee in it?) I give this snack a 1-why did the punky brewster cartoon have a magic gopher named glomer?-out of five.
Sarah found this treat for me. Teaberry sounds exotic right? Well this product is made by Clarks and has been around since 1900. Yeah, this business is old school. This isn't your parents gum or even your grandparents gum. This is your great grand pappys gum and it has the flavor to prove it. It tastes like a really mild wintergreen. Like pepto bismol but in gum form. Not really a pleasurable experience but not bad either. Much like I'd imagine life was back then. I mean shoot they didn't even have t.v.s to not watch saturday morning cartoons on. Ugh. I give this gum a 3-Duke Igthorn hates gummy bears-out of 5.
Lastly I know I said these weren't drinks we were discussing but this one kinda is a drink. A friend of A&D gave this to me. It is some kind of drink mix that comes in four flavors. All of which have curious names like Himbeer, Zitron, Waldmeister, and Orange. Wait. Orange? How'd we go from Waldmeister to orange? So am I to believe that where ever this came from is a land where they speak a different language except for the word orange. That is so weird.
I told you! I am always saying 'Mach was prickelndes!" Ok so it is kinda hard to review this one because I couldn't tell what the directions were telling me so I just dumped it into a glass of water. I made the green one, Waldmeister. It fizzed for about two minutes and it tasted like a melted slushy. Apple I think. I expected lime but luckily it was apple. I couldn't drink it all. I had three drinks of it and was not thrilled about having any more. I give this "beverage" a 1-

Life is like a hurricane
Here in Duckburg
Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes
It's a duck-blur
Might solve a mystery
Or rewrite history

CHORUS:
DuckTales (oooh ooooh)
Every day they're out there making
DuckTales (oooh ooooh)
Tales of daring do bad and good
LuckTales (oooh ooooh)

When it seems they're heading for the
Final curtain
Cool deduction never fails
That's for certain
The worst of messes
Become successes

CHORUS

D-D-D-Danger! Watch behind you
There's a stranger out to find you
What to do? Just grab on to some DuckTales

CHORUS

D-D-D-Danger! Watch behind you
There's a stranger out to find you
What to do? Just grab on to some ...

CHORUS (Twice)

Not pony tales or cotton tales, no
DuckTales (ooh ooooh) -out of 5.
Lastly I just wanted to thank you for taking time to read my messy blog. Sarah showed me how to see how many times people have read these meanderings and I was surprised. So thank you and I hope you enjoy. Although some of you found the blog by doing some strange searches. Look at the last one.
Hmmm.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Chocolate wonders....

2011-08-09T14:34:00.000-07:00

My mind is constantly distracted from the mundane day to day goings on by thoughts of wonder. For instance, a t-shirt is probably called that because it is shaped like the letter t but then why aren't long sleeve shirts called floppy t-s? Or droopy t-s? Or saggy t-s? And who was the person who named a sweatshirt? They were obviously wearing it in the wrong climate. Maybe they were at somebody's house and spilt mustard on their shirt and said "hey can I borrow one of your flacid t-s?" only to go out in 95 degree weather and say "hey thanks for the shirt...or should I say sweat shirt!" (The dude in that scenerio is a total d-bag.) This is an example of my wonderfiles. Yep that is what they are called. Coincidentally this blog was almost called 'wonderfiles' and then it was almost 'wonder years' but Winnie Cooper threatened me with bodily harm.

Anywho, one of the things that I wonder about frequently on this blog is "who wanted this?" I figure each snack was created because somebody saw a lack of this product in the market. They figured they liked it and so everyone would. Or something. Either way it is like they say there is someone for everyone. There is also a snack for everyone. I just might not be the one.

So today we shall sample some chocolorts. Or chocolates, whatever. As you may know if you have read this blogity blog 'I am not a fan of chocolate.' People hydrating themselves with chocolate carmel coffee drinks makes my throw-up throw-up. That is just me. It isn't my thing but then sweetarts might not be your thing. (Now that is weird to me.) So once again I will try to be objective. I said "try".

Alright, so first up we have AERO which we found in New York. The packaging reads 'smoothest ever taste' which sounds like a bad engrish translation. And then below the O it tells you to 'feel the bubbles'. Ok Nestle, let me just start of by saying I don't like my snacks to tell me what to do. Secondly, what part of 'feel the bubbles' isn't creepy sounding to you? A stranger in a van saying "get in my van" sounds less creepy than "feel the bubbles". Regardless I was intrigued by this candy bar. I wondered if it would have fizz in it. Here is a photo of the inside.
Now I assume this candy is from England or somewhere other than here as i had never seen it. The wrapping told me very little about the contents or flavor. How was it? Well, lets start by saying don't run out and buy one. The chocolate is waxy. The inside is light and somewhat minty. Somewhat. There really isn't a large amount of flavor here. It isn't offensive but it isn't that good either. If you had to choose between this candy and another, I'd choose the other candy and tell nestle to go feel their own bubbles. I give this chocolate a 2-why are fire ants called fire ants and hornets aren't called Flying non-stop stabbing you with our asses bugs. Out of 5.

Secondly we have Joys which is a chocolate covered jelle. Yeah, I was pretty sickened by the existence of this one. Who is the weird person that was eating a chuckle and thought I sure wish this had cheap chocolate on it. That is what this needs, cheap waxy chocolate.

This treat was also found in New York in the Candy Warehouse. I am pretty sure Sarah found both of these actually. She has a good eye for treat hunting. Well when I unwrapped it, it looked like it was oozing or sweating. MMMMM. Then I cut it open and behold!
Oh man, who wouldn't want to eat that? Who could resist room temperature jello and wax? Me. But for the sake of science I ate some. Not very great is a very kind way to put it. Imagine dipping a taper candle into smuckers jam. Now imagine eating that while you have a cold. Oh and the candle is from the dollar tree. Oh and the jam isn't really jam it is just melted no name brand gummy bears on the dashboard of a el camino parked in front of the dollar tree. Hungry yet? Me neither. I give this snack a 1-why is a baby carrot just a wittled down full grown carrot but you can't make a human baby the same way-out of five.
Ok our last chocolate today is from Russia. Now I know what you are thinking: Russians aren't really known for the chocolate or beers or personality and you are correct. But this candy is supposed to be a chocolate covered banana. Where do russians get bananas? I don't know. Is this a typical russian treat? I don't think so. But we live in a russian area and this snack was at a russian meat store so I had to get it. I like the monkey on the wrapper. It is kind of fun. I am glad the monkey isn't telling me to "feel the bubbles" especially since Michael Jackson had a monkey name bubbles. So I removed the wrapper and lets just say I was not impressed by their design. Have a look!
Now I am not saying that it looks like anything gross... I am sure that is what a chocolate banana looks like. Right? uh.... Yeah. So how was it?

sick.

Very bad. You can see in the photo that the shell is cracked and exposing the weird yellow center. The density of the center is odd. Upon biting into it, your mouth is filled with grit. Who doesn't want a gritty banana? The gritty banana sounds like a porn move doesn't it? Anyway, it doesn't taste like chocolate and it doesn't taste like banana. Which I was relieved by. But what it did taste like I am unsure of. Mostly the sick texture was my concern. The grit in your mouth slowly equates to a muddy sludge which then you swallow it down. MMM. I bet all the russian kids buy these by the bunch. (see what I did there, banana pun. It was a certain a-peel!) I give this morsel of regret a .5-can a color blind person feel blue-out of five.

Well that is all for this depressing assortment of candy. I promise that you will enjoy the next edition. I swear it. Thanks for your time and cheers.

p.s. Isn't any shirt a sweatshirt when worn in the wrong climate?

.FOOrD BLOrG. Birthdays are for eating!!!!

2011-08-01T17:53:00.001-07:00

I know I missed a post last week but I have good reason as it was my birthday week. Yes, I said week. Sure it was "Birthday month" when I was in my 20s but in your thirties a week celebration is adequate. I mean, I ain't Keith Richards...I can't party like that....all the time. Anyway, I am sorry and here is last weeks post:

Ah birthdays. Some people hide from them. Some people hate them. Me? I love it. I love having them and I love my friends having birthdays. It is a great time to appreciate someone and to thank them for appreciating you. Lets face it. The world isn't bursting at the seems with people I want to be around and share my life with so I am honestly and whole heartedly thankful for the friends I have and who keep me around.

In my opinion there are two few days like this. To the point where we wanted to have 'The last supper club'. The LSC was to be an evening where one person has their selection of close friends come together and eat what they would choose as their last meal and then everyone would say the things that they would hope to say at the persons funeral. Morbid? I don't think so. I mean people do that at funerals unsure if their ghost or whatever is there so why not have the peace to have said those awesome things to their fleshy living faces??? Makes sense to me. Sadly the LSC has never begun......yet.

For me birthdays are also a time for reflection. To look back on things both awesome for me and appreciate what may have not been so awesome for others. One thing that came to mind this year was a birthday cookie. Yep, a cookie. When I was a little tike my mother made a chocolate chip cookie that was GIANT. Now if you can remember being little, anything of an unusual size is pretty incredible. A giant cookie is no exception. There was something magical about not eating a cookie but eating a cookie size portion of a giant cookie. It was like my friends Aaron, Devin, Ryan, Clovis and I had quested to find this mythical cookie beast, slain it, and were now picking it's cookie corpse for delicious morsels. That is a prime example of the power a parent has and the challenge a parent has. To make those moments. Mine did it in spades. I know not everyone is that lucky and I am thankful that I am. (Did that sound right? Sounded a tad assh*lish didn't it? Well, I meant it in a nice way.) (Don't think cookies have those powers? Explain 'Cookie bouquets?" yeah, how is that a business?

My second and last example is not birthday related but childhood related. You see, from what I can gather, when you have a kid you can't pick all their attributes and interests like you can in a videogame. Not yet anyway. So as a parent you kind of have to go with it sometimes in order to have those shared experiences. As a kid I think you often take that for granted because you are a self absorbed jerk.....wait, that came out wrong. It is because you think something is awesome so why wouldn't everyone.

This is such a story. Like most children I loved cartoons. (still do. I can't help it. I love drawing.) I didn't care what it was so when a movie was playing in the theatre I had to go. My father loves movies and would often take me. Sure we saw some stinkers that I remember when I was older. Joe vs. the volcano anybody??? But as far as kids movies I didn't remember any until one night in my early 20s when I decided to re-watch the Rainbow Brite Movie. About 5 minutes into it I thought "good lord this is one of the worst movies I have ever seen!" And then I saw myself sitting in the giant cinema chair with my face all excited and filled with Whoppers and next to me was none other than my dad. Horror struck chords in my heart as I thought how excrutiating that experience must have been for a grown man to sit through this attrocity of animation. Sadly it was 2 am when I was re-watching it so I had to wait until morning to call him and apologize but I did. I couldn't imagine him not bringing this up everyday of my entire life. "Dad, can I have 12.99 for the new Depeche Mode compact disc?" To which he would reply "Oh you want money I suffered to make? Does my suffering through the experience of Rainbow Brite mean nothing to you? Which I payed for by the way." But no, he never said anything about it. He didn't even say anything really when I called. He just said "yeah, that was pretty bad." Am I appreciative of that? Yes. That is a true parent and a lesson taken to heart. It isn't always about you and you can still make a memory doing something that someone else wants to do.

But enough of this heart felt gobbity goook! LETS EAT SOME CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!
This product obviously comes from Japan and is cake that you microwave in a cup. Now I never had an easy bake oven but one time Aaron and I made a microwave cake from a box of Lucky Charms and we ate it. Although I seem to remember it not being cooked all the way through. In any case I ordered this from Tokyo and was excited to try a carmel flavored cake that you bake in a cup.
Ok, yep. So you see in the picture above there, those are the instructions. Um. Wait. Are those bananas? There aren't any bananas in the box. Well, at this point I looked it up online and found out that this product wasn't carried anymore. So I then looked at the company site that was again only in Japanese. I eventually found a recipe but without knowing the contents of the packet I didn't want to use that. On my third search I found another website that had the instructions.
Take the packet and one egg.
Whip together in a cup.
Microwave for 2 minutes.
Enjoy! So I followed the steps and made a cupcake in a cup! How was it? Better than expected. Really, it tasted more like maple syrup than carmel. The texture was more akin to that of a pancake than a cupcake. If I really liked either of those I would have eaten the whole thing but I did have 5 bites of it and it was fun and interesting to do. (if you can get past the whole 'I am eating microwaved egg" thing.) I would imagine if you had a kid that this might just blow their mind so I included a link to a recipe for making coffee cup cupcakes : Article

I didn't know how to post a link (quit laughing) so that portion of this post was made possible by Sarah. (Who not only makes me feel special when it is my birthday but everyday multiple times over.) Am I appreciative and grateful of her? Hell effin' YES I AM! Cheers to another year my friends.

(Don't fret, I will be my bitter self soon enough. I mean, I ain't growing out my hair, hugging trees, and renouncing soap anytime soon.)

.fOOrD BLOrG. Small things may surprise you.

2011-07-18T18:08:00.000-07:00

All my life I have been of small stature. This never bothered me. I never had a Napoleon complex or was one of those angry little men. This point of view is all I know since I wasn't small and grew tall or was tall and was shrank on accident by a device built by Rick Moranis. (Yet...) An interesting thing about size though is it can be deceiving. Something smaller can surprise you. For instance, Sarah and I were on a walk once-up some sketchy steps-thru a weird woods area and suddenly a squirrel blocked our path and refused to move. It was a stand off. You would think something smaller (although it had a big cranium) facing two people much larger would scurry away. (I would, I love to scurry.) But it stood its ground in a menacing way. Now we had traveled quite far up these steps but we were pondering going back down since we were faced with this curious situation. There is something off putting about a small fearless creature where you think "if it isn't scarred it MUST have a reason. A secret." Luckily it needed to be menacing elsewhere and it leaped up a tree and vanished into the foliage. Even though we couldn't see it, we knew it was there. Watching us like the predator watches Arnold Schwarzenegger only in squirrel vision not in heat vision.

So today we will discuss some small treats that accomplish big feats. Sort of, see I kind of liked the rhyme there....they really are just treats, you know?...Some with good surprises and some with maybe not so good surprises.
Oh snap, is that a gummy from Japan? HELLS YEAH IT IS!!! You already know how I feel about this treat don't you? Well you should. Japanese gummies are epically awesome! But how are these?

Pretty darn good. The texture is not too chewy and not too soft. The exterior is coated in a tangy sugar but not too much and not over powered in citric acid as the picture might imply or one might conclude from the lemon part of the description. What first resonates on your palate is lemon but it isn't super intense and after a few chews you get the cola flavor. A pretty rad ride through flavor country if you ask me. It delivers on its promise.

The downside is that they come all the way from Japan. You cannot find them in the states and they are about 2 dollars. Now that isn't a ton of money unless you have to pay 18 dollars shipping and there are only about 12 gummies in the bag. Overall I give this snack a 4.5-I always have leg room in cars and on planes out of 5.
WHAT???? Another Japanese gummy???? APPLE GINGER ALE? Is it my birthday????? (Answer to the last question: No, but it is soon. So go return some bottles and buy me a present. I know this is a recession so don't feel obligated to buy me a champagne jacuzzi or a diamond encrusted speedo. Hmm, I don't like the word "crusted" next to the word "speedo".)

Ok, so you know this is good.... but how good? How about THE BEST!!! Yes, this is the best gummy I have ever eaten. For my palate. I like earthy flavors, herby flavors, metallic cocktails, and things more sour than sweet. Now this isn't sour. But what it is-is unbelievable. Here is a closer look.
Awe, it is so cute and tiny. BUT the flavor within is enormous. First you get the apple. Almost like a light perfume of fresh apple just dances across your tastebuds. Then you get a hint of ginger ale which grows and deepens on your tongue as if the ginger is really growing in your mouth. Real ginger flavor. Not powdered ginger or candied ginger. This is like a real deal ginger soda. It is the best marriage of fruit and ginger on the planet. THIS IS WORTH 20 DOLLARS! Luckily if you buy it for 2 and a bunch of other stuff then the shipping kinda evens out. I give this snack a 10-I fit inside most boxes-out of five.
Chowards? Who let you back in here? Didn't we already discuss two of your friends? Yes we did. And they weren't the best discussions if I recall. Ok well, lets open you up and see what's happening.
Oh, well that is pretty cute. Sarah bought these for me which is super nice. Violet huh? Well, I will just put this candy in my mouth and....oh. Oh no. ugh. I....made....a......mistake! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It is horrid!!!! Blech!!!!

It tastes like my mouth is the air filter at an octogenarian tea party!!! (For those who don't know, an octogenarian is someone between the age of 80 and 85.) It is stale and perfumee in the worst of ways. (I know perfumee is not a word.) Remember when I described something as " licking a sweaty wig"? This has some of that too. Not good. Very much so not good! This is like somebody gave you an organic soap and you wash your face with it and it gets in your mouth. Snacks shouldn't have the flavor experience of accidentally consumed household items. I give this snack a 1-why do I have to buy jeans sized for a husky 12 year old-out of five.

Oh come on! From Chowards to a candy from Mexico??? What, did my mouth lose a bet? Can I go back to the Japanese gummies please? Gosh darn it! There I said it. Now my good pal and bro in law Dave bought these for me. What a kind guy....or an evil mofo. These hard candies are called Chili Rokas. I think he got these in Seattle when he was touring doing cage fights. I am pretty sure I am recalling that correctly. (He doesn't fight cage fights...that is rule number one but if this doesn't go well I might enter him in one.) Lets take a closer look-
Huh, individually wrapped hard candies in four different flavors. That is different. 65 individually wrapped fruit flavored candies called chili rokas. That is allot of chili rokas. To be honest I would rather have 65 apple ginger ale gummies but lets just see how this goes.

I chose to sample the Pineapple flavor. Upon unwrapping the candy I first noticed that it had a beautiful yellow sheen to it. Not the usual chili dusted sweat candies I have been accustomed to from Mexico. Feeling ok at this point I put the round yellow candy in my mouth and was surprised to find no salty taste just a rather pleasant pineapple candy flavor. No not a fresh pineapple candy flavor but a candy pineapple flavor. Like one would expect to taste if they hadn't been burned by crappy mexican candy before.

Here is the problem with me and hard candy, after about a minute I just want to chew it up and move on. I don't have time to sit around slowly eroding a butterscotch with my tongue. What do you think I am an octogenarian? So after a minute I bit down on my pineapple friend who was bridging the ill blood I have with mexican sweets when I was instantly bamboozeled. Or maybe I was hornswogled. Well, either way it was massively unpleasant! In the center of this hard candy there is a lurking evil made up off chili powder and salt. Yeah, it is like your tongue got punked and then your whole mouth and then your whole day. Sure, maybe they designed it to slowly leak out like the fun fizzy center of Zotz. Only this is not Zotz nor is it fun. It hits you like somebody dumps chili powder in your mouth and sprays sweat into your mouth from a super soaker. (Now why that person would do that let alone have the time to fill a super soaker with sweat is beyond me but if you are hanging out with that person, you have made some questionable decisions.) Long gone was the fruity pineapple candy friend I had just met. They had died a terrible death and their guts were rotten and clinging to every inch of my mouth. I spit with all my might!!! I do believe my salivary glands were dry heaving in an attempt to cleanse the soiled wasteland that had become my mouth. Alas there was to be no comfort found. No knight in apple ginger ale gummy armor would ride in and rescue the now destitute and downtrodden king that was once my tongue. His kingdom had fallen. Pestulance had taken hold and poisoned his domain until all life had withered and taken leave.

It was a dark time, indeed. But as often what happens in the most dire of times there was to be a hero. For there was one, last, beacon of hope. Who was present to rise up against the dastardly chili rokka. Who was it??? You will have to read about it-NEXT TIME!!!!!!

~cliff hanger~oooooooh ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Oh, and I give this snack a 1- thirty something man who needs a stool to reach most things in the kitchen-out of 5.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Beat the heat (to death and eat its face meats!!!!)

2011-07-11T17:48:00.001-07:00

Is the title too intense? I can't tell. This time of year it tends to get hotter and that entails some tricks to help me cope with a rise in my internal temperature. If that help doesn't arrive on time I may react a tad on the extreme side of things and I may seem like I am melting and/or dying. At that point I may demand retribution. (which is confusing for most around me at the time.) I know I have warned you all of this before but in an effort to better flesh out the resistance tactics against the evil sun, here are some other ways to beat the heat....or not.

The first style of defense is BEER!!!
You might be thinking I picked this because of the label. Ok I did. I can't help it! It is in my goth/industrial blood that I am drawn to boneyards and decay. You say tomato and I say grim reaper, I can't shake it so why not embrace it.?. Really this label looks more like an Enigma album cover than a good goth record but whatever. You can see in the bottom of the picture that the alcohol content is 11.5. Normally I really dislike anything over 7 or so but this was delicious!

It is not too dark but it is plenty complex. I had a picture of the side label but it was far too blurry to include. It did have a ton of information about berry notes, chocolate, etc... A long list.

I couldn't make out any individually but the flavor was far more sophisticated than most darker ales I have had. Being that I don't drink a bunch of dark beers, I couldn't finish it. The richness and weight ultimately was too much for me. If it was a really hot day I don't think this would be refreshing unless you were about to lay down in a hammock and take a nap. I give this beer a 3 why do hipsters make shorts out of dress pants and wear deck shoes, out of 5. Next!!!
This peculiar little guy was found at my local asian mart that I gladly shop at rather than our extra methy Plaid Pantry. Seriously that Plaid is terrifying. So there I was staring at the beer selection when I saw something new.?. That is weird because he has had the same options forever. This intrigued me and I couldn't stop coming back to it so I picked up a six pack. Yes, you could only buy a six pack. A gamble to say the least on a blueberry beer.

The flavor is pleasant. It isn't light which helps it to not taste like a wine cooler or a fourloko. You taste the lager first, I'd say amber maybe?, then you taste the blueberry but it isn't super crazy or too sweet. Overall, a really descent fruit beer and yes I did finish it and the other five. On separate nights though. One is fine but more could result in less than favorable results. I give this beer a 4 stretch pants are not to be worn as pants, out of five. Next up: Heat!
It is a strange concept but one way that people around the world beat the heat is by consuming spicy foods which makes the body sweat and cools it down. Yeah, I didn't make it up. That is what they are doing. These little snack rings are Habanero flavored chips from Japan. My favorite was their ghost chili rings but they discontinued them. (Sarah and I have a suspicion that anytime we like something it gets discontinued or destroyed. Recently both of our favorite restaurants have gone that way.)

Now if something says Habanero on it, it needs to bring the heat. I love habaneros! They are hot but have citrus notes. Mmmmmmm two of my favorite things. Sadly these chips have neither. I mean, really the flavor could be just spice. The heat factor was really nonexistent. What? Ok, that sh*t might fly with a chip marked hot or spicy but this snack has an army of freaking peppers on it and they look EVIL! PSTSHHHHH! This bag should have a picture of butterflies and kittens holding hands and kissing your tongue because that is more what it tastes like. (Note: that has never happened to me. It is just sunny and I warned you about the over dramatizing things.) I give this "hot" snack a 1 shorts that short are actually just panties, out of five.
Sarah got me these while she was in SF (best wife eva!) but I imagine you could find a similar item in a mexican grocer. (in their store not in the actual grocer. ewe....) They are HABANERO peanuts!!!!!!
Just look at that peanut! He is either in the middle of singing like a song about how weird it is to have arms and legs but not a body or his mouth is super hot from eating spicy peanuts....either way that is odd right??? I mean, he is a spicy peanut. Huh....

Well, no. This snack is even more of a letdown. How could it be such a letdown? Well not only is it not spicy but when you pour them into your hands, they look like they are covered in hot powder. Only when you put them in your mouth they just taste like lemons. Yeah, friggin lemons! You know what you never see in the peanut butter section of your supermarket? Peanut lemon butter. BECAUSE IT S-U-C-K-S!!!! Seriously, who are these people and what is wrong with their mouths??? Buying these and then tasting them is like joining columbia music house for a penny and then realizing 14 cds for 1 cent isn't a deal when those 14 cds are mostly Richard Marx and Jodeci cds. I give these sour nuts a 1 so glad I get to see so many sun bleached prison tats in my neighborhood out of 5.

Which brings me to my best idea to beat the heat. It is a mutant child of two of my favorite things:
Yes, the sodastream is awesome. If you drink carbonated water, you need this. It is under a hundred bucks and we have already saved that between the two of us. AND-
Cold extract coffee!! Basically you take a pound of coffee put it in a things with ten cups of water and let it brew in the fridge for 12 hours. Then run it thru a filter into this carafe. It creates a coffee concentrate that is both robust and non-acidic. I love this stuff.

Now think of this drink like this: You know in the remake of The Fly when Jeff Goldblum and the fly go into the teleporter and then they come out fused??
KABOOOOM!!!! I give you sparkling iced coffee!!! Simply prepare your sodastream liquid and add it to a glass of your cold extract coffee. The ratio is one third extract to 2/3rds sparkling water. Yummm! I give this drink a 5 bad songs playing loud out of cars with their windows rolled down out of 5.

So there you go, good luck out there. Remember to wear your sunscreen and non-opened toed shoes. Come on! Really? ugh.

.FOOrD BLOrG. chews-your own adventure. Part 2: Electric Chewaloo

2011-07-05T19:02:00.001-07:00

Yes, you read that correctly this is the second post inspired by choose your own adventure novels. I enjoyed composing the last one so much that I decided to do another. (It also happens that I had consumed three chewy treats and therefor need not think of a new premise or angle for this blog post....very sneaky.) So if you missed the last epic post, fret not for this is not a continuation. This is a whole new adventure:

GLAGNAR AND THE WHISPERING STAFF

It was dusk and mist ebbed between the trees of Dark Hallows forest. You are GLAGNAR a

well known and respected warrior who recently obtained a mystical item from an ogre who had

fell upon some hard times and had to sell some things to make ends meet. That same ogre had

also had a stroke and fell upon your blade giving the illusion that you had slain him. An illusion

you embraced since only you know that you have never done anything heroic or for anyone else.

Your entire life however has been a series of events that have always provided you with the

appearance of a hero.

Upon approaching a small brook you pause to wash off Glagnar's unmentionables and in doing so

accidentally unwrap the mystical item. It is the whispering staff from wandering peak. An enchanted

staff with the ability of speech. Created by a lonely bridge ogre who simply needed someone to talk to

while he spent his entire life on and under that bridge. You are overjoyed to have this item and leap

from the brook and begin twirling it about yourself. Again on accident, you smack the staff against

a rotten tree and as it topples over it crushes a sand troll which was chasing a tiny pixie with broken

wings. The pixie, overjoyed at the death of the evil sand troll reveals to you it's secret pixie treasure.

The pixie says that you may choose from three magic delights. One will grant you an amazing magic

power and the other 2 will royally f-you up. (That is the pixies words not mine...nasty pixies.)

The whispering staff says "choose none and proceed to town". If you choose the pixie's trial please read

on. If you choose to listen to your whispering staff than skip to the end of the post marked "town".
Our first snack is an oldie. Gummi fruit slices!!! Now I remember buying these as a kid from the Nutcracker which was a candy kiosk in Valley River Mall in Eugene Or. My parents would give me a dollar and I would spend 15 minutes agonizing over what to get. (although I usually went with gummy sour balls.) Now I am not sure if these are always stale or they are supposed to be this texture. They seem stale. In anycase their flavors don't change much wether you choose grapefruit, cherry, orange, strawberry or lime. Except lime sucks in any candy and orange is just boring. I mean who likes orange candy? Not I. Whenever I open a pack of candy (which is an exciting time, believe me) and see an orange it is like being excited to hold a kitten and it pees on you. Not cool. The grapefruit didn't really taste like anything and grapefruit is one of my favorite flavors of anything. For that crime alone I give this snack 2 dragon's rapping about dragon problems out of five.

The pixie urges you to eat the first choice. Your whispering staff says "choose none and proceed to town. Glagnar is in a bind. If you choose to listen to the pixie then proceed to the ending marked 'fruit slice'. If you choose to listen to your whispering staff then skip to the end of the post marked "town".
Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. That is a photo of Fanta flavored Hi-chew candy. Anyone who knows of Hi-chew candy knows that they are amazing. The flavors rarely disappoint. The grape in my opinion is one of those flavors that you can't stop eating until the pack is gone. I saw this on a website and I had to order it directly from Tokyo. Not even because I love Fanta. In fact, to be honest, I can't recall when I last had Fanta if ever. I simply couldn't get past the grape thing. I just saw 'new grape flavor hi-chew' and that was all I needed.

Well, it isn't amazing. I know. Bummer. It isn't bad but it just isn't stellar. I really expected to be wowed. One interesting thing with this taffy like chew is that there are tiny dark purple hard things in the chew. Not like super hard but more like enough to add a textural element. Either way it wasn't worth 2 bux and I won't even go into the shipping costs. I give this chew a 3 harpys singing 'the crying game' out of five.

The pixie really urges you to choose this snack but your whispering staff says "no way dude. I have a really bad feeling about this...proceed to town. oh and please don't hit me against trees."

If you choose to listen to the pixie then proceed to the ending marked 'fanta'. If you choose to listen to your whispering staff then skip to the end of the post marked 'town'.

Lastly we have a Grapefruit Hi-chew!!!!!!!!! (and the imaginary crowd in my mind goes wild !!!!!) Yea, remember what I said earlier about grapefruit? IT IS THE BEST! Well, this is grapefruit and from Japan. It. Is. Awesome. For some reason it is twice the size of the Fanta pack too. Which is fine by me because it is friggin' delicious!!! Seriously great. Talk about giving everything it promises perfectly. I have never seen this in a store Asian or otherwise. I would completely order this from Japan again. The only problem is I have to put it back into my candy droor before eating a piece or I would devour the whole pack. I give this snack 5 mages singing 'Don't stop believing" out of 5.

The pixie seems sure that this is the right one. Your whispering staff says "No way homie. Proceed to the next town. This pixie be trippin'.

If you choose to listen to the pixie then proceed to the ending marked 'fruit slice'. If you choose to listen to your whispering staff then skip to the end of the post marked 'Town."

Fruit slice- You place the gummy in your mouth and begin chewing. The pixie begins a deep and bass filled belly laugh. You die in an indescribable way...for anyone but the whispering staff who describes the entire ordeal in great detail constantly. In fact that is all it whispers about for the rest of time to anyone who obtains it. And it mentions your diminutive unmentionables constantly.

Fanta- You place the candy into your mouth and neck muscles begin to bulge at an alarming rate. You think you are expanding like the Hulk. (which you don't know what that is) Sadly the rest of your body doesn't follow suit and you must live out the rest of your days dragging your gigantic neck muscles around until they form huge fat rolls since you couldn't operate such huge neck muscles and they eventually suffocate you in your sleep. Which is totally not a cool thing to do.

Grapefruit- You place the candy into your mouth and smoke bellows from your nostrils. Lightning shoots from your eyes and fireballs form in your palms. Your feet turn to gold and everywhere you step you leave a paper thin gold foot print. You are like super attractive to all the right people now. Like as if Tom Selleck circa 1980 and Sean Connery circa 1970 had a baby with gold feet and fireball hands. Everybody says awesome things to you. For like ever. And you get loads of smooches from the babes.

Town- You leave the foolish pixie and travel on to the town. Unfortunately the town has been burned to the ground by a gang of whispering staffs. They see you have captured their brethren and they descend upon you. Beating themselves against your shins and knees and elbows and sometimes your chin. All the while whispering over the top of each other. You can't so much as distinguish a word that an individual staff is saying and that is quite frustrating. The beating goes on for hours as does the annoying whispering. Finally you can't hold onto your whispering staff any longer and they disappear in the surrounding woods. You collapse to the ground only to be found by gypsy cannibals. Who were coming to town to rob and eat everyone. They are quite perturbed that you burned all of their dinners. So they eat you up like you are a grapefruit hi-chew.

The end.

.FOOrD BLOrG. chews-your own adventure.

2011-06-27T17:15:00.001-07:00

Remember choose your own adventure stories? The excitement of deciding if the hero was to enter the cave or be wary of the cave and choose the rope bridge instead by turning to page 137. This deciding moment also defined you by wether you would cheat and look ahead to see if the decision was fatal. Did you cheat? Tell the truth now. Well, I did. Hey, I was investing time into this valiant crusade and I'd be a monkeys uncle before I didn't finish that book and win. (I have no idea what that "monkeys uncle" means at all.)

The Frozen heart

You are Jameson, a paladin who has been questing in search of a mystical edible jewel that once consumed will save you from over healing forever and it will unfreeze the wizard's daughter with whom you are in love. You stand before a wood slab which displays the objects of your quest. Now if you choose to taste the first snack then please scroll down the page to the first snack. Otherwise please scroll down to the end of this post.Up first we have a Mango gummy. I know the picture is a tad deceptive. The gummy is actually about the size of a penny. Sarah and Dave returned from SF with these. THOSE TWO PEOPLE ARE AWESOME! (Hopefully, you aren't tired of me giving those two props because I plan to spend the rest of my days doing so.) The gummy is quite soft and spongy and has a pleasant fragrance of Mango. The flavor is subtle enough for you to crave another....and another. It is a good thing these come in a bag of fourty or so because I will eat them! I give this treat 4 enchanted swords out of five. If you agree that this is the edible jewel than proceed to the end of the post marked (mango). Otherwise read on.
This taffy was found by Sarah on her trip to Petaluma CA. I figured it was going to be pretty hard to find but then I found it in a nearby Dollar Tree. Yea. So I was a tid bit worried to try it. Lets face it, poor people are known for refined tastes the same way a balrog is known for it's good looks Am I right? The color of the taffy was laffy taffy pink and the smell was more subtle than laffy taffy strawberry. Definitely more sweet than sour. In fact not sour at all or tart. The flavor was creamy and the taffy was not too chewy. Kinda more like a strawberry shake than a strawberry but if that is your thing than go get one! I give the taffy 2.5 dwarves with bizmuth bronze axes out of five. If you agree that this is the edible jewel than proceed to the end of the post marked (Taffy). Otherwise read on.
These Fruit Pastiles were obtained for this judgement by Dave. They contain 25% fruit juice a but appear to have a sugar coating on them. The taste is like Chuckles. Do you remember those? They are a rather subdued and boring gummy candy that had a sugar coating on the outside to distract you from their utter lack of flavor. These aren't quite that bad but they aren't that special either. I would eat them if I had no other candy and wanted some sweets but otherwise I would pass on these. If you agree that this is the edible jewel than proceed to the end of the post marked (Pastile). Otherwise read on.
Here we have another caramel from Hokkaido. You might recall the red wine carmel from a previous post. Well this one is from Chinatown in SF instead of special ordered from Japan. The flavor is Guarana which you might recognize from energy drinks. This is really interesting. When you chew it, you get the consistence of a caramel but then the flavor switches to what you know of from energy drinks. It is really confusing and yet not terrible. I wouldn't eat a whole box of them but one here and there isn't so awful. Overall I give it 3 mages wielding compulsion spells out of 5. If you agree that this is the edible jewel than proceed to the end of the post marked (guarana). Otherwise choose :none of them

(MANGO)Upon returning to Eustachian mountain you approach the frozen body of the wizard's daughter. You place the mango gummy in her mouth and a thick fog begins filling the room. The sound of chains rattling and whips cracking is heard. The gate closes behind you and the wizard daughter's eyes begin to glow. Your body ceases and you can do nothing but watch as the wizard's daughter slowly changes into the wizard. He professes his love for you and shrinks you down and seals you in gem that dangles from his ear. Yeah, he has a really lame earing and you are it.

(TAFFY) Upon returning to Eustachian mountain you approach the frozen body of the wizard's daughter. Jameson falls to his knees at her side. He has dozens of arrows protruding from his back and a venomous snake bite on his tongue. (long story...) With his last ounce of strength he places the taffy in her mouth and he falls to the floor. The wizard's daughter awakens and sees her hero on the floor. She turns him over and deduces that only her enchanted kiss shall revive her hero. Alas upon closer examination she notices the snake bite and suddely finds Jameson really weird and grody. You die on the floor and everyone thinks you are weird.

(Fruit Pastiles) Upon returning to Eustachian mountain you approach the frozen body of the wizard's daughter. As Jameson removes the pastile from his pocket the wizard appears. He is like hella pissed off and says some serious wizard speak. You aren't sure what to make of the situation because maybe wizards just sound angry when they talk....you know, like germans. Unfortunately for you, while he is german and a wizzard, his daughter is diabetic. He assumes you are trying to poison her and he demands that you spend eternity in a dungeon comprised of things you find disagreeable.

(Guarana) Upon returning to Eustachian mountain you approach the frozen body of the wizard's daughter. Due to Jameson's high level of perception you notice that even though her body has been in stasis that she has grown a wicked mustache. As an act of kindness and in hopes of a kiss after saving her life you remove your blood knight dagger and shave her mustache off. Suddenly and without warning a deafening boom is heard. You clutch your ears causing you to drop the guarana candy to the floor where it sits for well over the allowed ten seconds rule. On your knees you look at the fallen antidote aware that you shall spend the rest of your days growing older while piniing over your sleeping wizard's daughter. When suddenly (yes, suddenly again) Jameson feels a gentle hand on his shoulder. It is the wizards daughter! As it turns out the evil spell placed on her was more like 'an evil mustache coma spell thing' and not so much a 'go on a candy quest sort of thing'. You are overjoyed and spend the rest of your days together riding like dragons and stuff.

(None of them) Upon returning to Eustachian mountain you approach the frozen body of the wizard's daughter. Jameson speaks "Hey, so I was eating a bunch of candy but none of it was special enough to save you. Soooooo, sorry about that." Jameson puts his battle scarred hand on her cheek and a single tear slowly rolls down her cheek. Upon contact of his wounds Jameson feels as if 1000 angels are kissing his wounds away but instead you poop your self to death. Not quickly either. Yeah, don't go on a quest for a wizard's daughter and return empty handed. You newb.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Drinkypants or Drunkypoo?

2011-06-27T16:34:00.000-07:00

It is time again for an ever so informative look at bevvies! Beerlicious bevies! (I know beerlicious is not a word but it really should be.) No fancy pants talky talkin' just down to the brass tax beer speak. Seriously this is a weak post for sure but here it is anyway.

These were all selected by Sarah and I at Belmont Station......on Belmont.

First up-}This was selected by Sarah because it has a bird eating a person on the label. How can you go wrong with that? Trick question. You can't. Things eating people is my favorite genre of cinema. (I know that isn't a real genre but it should be!) This beer was an amberish color and had a slight caramel/soy sauce flavor situation. It was not bad at all. Not incredible but not bad. Lets face it, the label is the best part though. Okay lets keep moving-}
dreamy.....
I picked this one and Sarah drank it. Seriously, I had a drink of it and was unsure of the wheat vs. raspberry flavor. So I passed the beer to Sarah to try and she liked it so much she drank it. So I can't say much about this one. Sarah, however, quite enjoyed it. If you like beer with lemonade in it or any of the beer with a 50-50 fruit to beer ratio than I'd bet you'd like this.
Ok, I have no idea what I thought about this. I remember very little about it. The only thing I recall is that it tasted like tin and a slight maple syrup taste. Sorry about that but hey I warned you that this was a pretty poorly done beer post. Lastly, we have-
Alright, I know. That is the worst picture of a beer label that I have ever posted. I agree. But there is a reason.
This was on the majority of the label. Sarah found this one in the sale section. Who doesn't love a deal right? Plus look at the description on the back!

Sounds promising right? But when I opened it, it did this-
For like 10 minutes it had a slow river of foam trailing from the top of it. I have never seen a beer do that before. It wasn't shaken up and had been chilling in our fridge for over a week. Weird. How was it? Pretty darn good. This was like a 10.5 alcohol content so I expected to hate it but it didn't taste boozy at all. Rather than the usual soy sauce notes this one had more carmalized fruit leather situations. I found it pretty rich though and had to retire it after 3/4. Which since the first fourth poured itself out that means I enjoyed half of it. Regardless, if it is on sale give it a try. The end.

p.s. The answer is drinkypants. Nobody likes drunkypoo.

.Vengeance is (not so) sweet.

2011-06-21T10:52:00.000-07:00

I'd like to take a brief break from snacks and talk to you about vengeance. (one of my favorite things) In particular, the film I SAW THE DEVIL. By now if you can tolerate brutal awesomeness than you have seen this film from South Korea. It is not for the faint cinema goer. Seriously. But if you like extreme cinema (the kind with a plot, not torture porn or gore for gore sake.) this film is a trip. It starts with an intensity that just ramps up through the end. After watching it I had to own it. Dave and Sarah were nice enough to pick it up for me while they were at Amoeba records in SF. However you can see it on Netflix instant watch. Yeah! For free.What is it about? Well, Byung-hun Lee( from The Good the Bad and the weird)-
plays a detective who's wife is killed and he goes to evil lengths to exact revenge on Min-sik Choi (whom you might remember from another favorite film of mine OLDBOY)
That is all I can tell you without ruining anything. Don't watch this if you don't want graphic images in your brain. Also do yourself a favor, if you are going to watch it, don't do it alone. You will want to talk about it when it is done. I saw this film quite a while ago and I still am thinking and talking about it. Good luck and happy hunting.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Not everything has to change

2011-06-17T18:39:00.000-07:00

Call it tradition or call it over celebrated repetition either way we humans love nostalgia. On a recent trip to the local market I witnessed a little boy with a familiar dilemma. His father brought him to the store and said that he could choose one treat from the candy section. Now the candy section there is about 8 ft long and about two feet taller than this child. That is a big array of options for a hungry-eyed child. He would look and then pick up something but then he'd see a better option and set the first one down. I know how he felt. I have been there. But something else struck me about that moment. At some point he might reflect on his choice that evening and feel nostalgic about it. Where he has when he ate it and how the evening air felt or that he was up past his bedtime chomping on candy so the parents could do boring parent stuff like talk. (It always seems odd to kids that parents just want to sit and talk....weird.) It is funny how powerful our senses can be and how something as simple as a sweet can bring us back decades to a finite moment when we were knee high to a grasshopper.

So I thought we would have a sit and look back on some classics (for some) and some oldies for others with hopes that maybe you'd remember a treat or an eat that you'd forgotten and can tell or share with someone.
Okay so most of this posts collective sweets came from the Troutdale General Store. Which is as expected, an old timey store with a sandwich counter, t-shirts, old candy, decorum etc...... The items in the above picture were all from the by the pound section. Now, I am not a huge fan of salt water taffy. It never really has a ton of flavor and it has the mouth-feel of sludge. I remember getting them as a child at the beach with my grandparents but I am not nostalgic about it. If they had been super sour then maybe but as a kid you eat any sweet really. What is the saying? "Any port in a storm." For their sheer pathetic existence I give them two skinned knees out of five.

So I moved on to the brown thing. Yep, the brown thing. I have no idea what it is called or why I chose it. It smelled like a caramel. It tasted, however, like grainy nasty cheap caramel and the white stuff in the center tasted and had the mouth-feel of Cinnabon frosting. I am serious. This is a fat mouth treat to the utmost degree. So gross. After the fourth chew I just walked over to the garbage and spit it out. Blech. Blech. Blech. The brown thing gets one-i pooped my pants how do I hide this from everyone, out of five.

Next we have "Sour Balls". Whose name makes me think of a put down an old person would use. "Oh that Clarence he is just an old sour balls." or "Oswald used to be the life of the party now he is just another sour balls." First of all, these balls are not sour at all. So whomever decided that these were sour needs to get their tongue checked. These are just ordinary sweet balls. Why do old people like hard candy so much? Is that nostalgia? Hmmm. Or do they just like the salivation process. I would also like to note that red and orange taste the same. LAME. Green, however, just tastes like crap. I give these sad balls a one run thru the screen door breaking it out of five.

Ok I included this because who was the bright person that thought "Man I love Smartees but whoa are they spendy?!?" "If there was only a generic version that was more approachable? Hmmmm" Guess what? Sassy Sours taste somehow crappier than Smartees which are just sugar pressed into tiny tablets. I didn't snort these. Just saying. I give these a .5 grounded for doing something totally worth getting grounded for out of five.
Necco Wafers are like a quintasential oldie treat. These are actually a different flavor than the normal roll. These are ice cream flavors. Now the original roll all tastes the same except that sick black disc. Ugh. This...oh...ugh, Hold on. This is just an original.....ugh roll.....I just ate the crappy black licorice one..........guh. Sick. Who mislabeled the bucket? Jerks. REALLY FUNNY....

In any case I hate necco wafers. They taste like they should be medicinal. I have tasted better homeopathic migraine remedies that were better than these grody sugar buttons. Coincidentaly that would be my name if I was a clown-Grody Sugar Buttons. *Honk Honk. I give necco a .o5 buried my toys in the mud and forgot where, out of five. Speaking of clowns.....
We have finally reached the heart of this post. The Circus Peanut. (SHARE TIME!) So when I was little there were few things more epic than a trip to grandma and grampa's house. One: they were totally awesome people. Two: they spoiled their grand kids. Three: candy tin. Yes. They had a tin of candy that rested on or near their television. It had a dented lid that hid its sweet sweet surprise from kid eyes. That candy tin was a mythical beast of treats. Cinnamon discs? Check! Butterscotch? You know it. Some weird pink tablet? You bet your sweet bippy! But my favorite was also one of my grandfathers favorite THE CIRCUS PEANUT. You may be thinking "I have had one and it was just spongey marshmellow that tasted vaguely sweet but nothing like a peanut." And you are correct but what you don't know is what I didn't know either.

See a few years after my grandfather passed I say these candies in a store and bought them for Nostalgic purposes. They were not as I remembered. Squishy. Well, then my father told me that his dad would buy a bag of them, open up the bag and put it up in the cupboard for weeks. What does that do? Only makes it totally awesome. It becomes stale. So moisture that makes the texture just squishy leaves and a skin kind of forms on the outside. Well not a skin so much but a shell. Yes a shell. Like a peanut. Genius! The whole texture of the treat changes and it becomes more than a one note snack. So I bought one at the store and I opened it up and put it in the top of the cupboard for 2 weeks. I just ate it. Some things are best left private. I will say, this is a sweet way to pay tribute, no matter how small a tribute, to an amazing person. Cheers gramps! Personally I give this a 5 mom said no more soda but I bet grandma will say yes, out of five. Thanks for your time now please do some reflection. Let me know what you come up with.

What? Oh that is just Morrissey with a cat on his head. Ain't nuthin. He is just provin' that he ain't no sour balls.

.FOOrD BLOrG. evolution of effervescence

2011-06-13T18:39:00.001-07:00

Recently I was listening to a bands newest release and was not really feeling some elements of the songs. This made me sad because it was a band I have listened to since 1992. I began thinking about how artist grow over time and their sound evolves. Unfortunately we might not always be into the way their sound evolves. Does that make it bad? Who is to say really? I mean the internet will always have something negative to say. Silly evil internet. I mean, we might say 'What happened?' "They used to be good!" But we can't really expect them to make the same album over and over....ok we can but even that is never a good thing. (I am talking to you KMFDM and Ministry.) One way to look at this is when a band has a sound and then adds an element which is new. For instance, a common occurance in industrial/electro and goth groups is the addition of live guitar. Their album might just be electro but then live they add drums and a guitarist. Why? It isn't more interesting if it doesn't sound like the band. I don't think I am really getting to the point here. What I mean to say is that at one point in time there were Tart N Tinys......now there are candy coated Tart n Tinys. Is it better? In my opinion, NO. The tart part was awesome now it has a sweet crappy coating on it. Ugh. (I have memories of eating those in the pool as a kid and they would fall in and just disintegrate.)

So we might trick out something but does it make it better? And does this new spruce up cut off old fans? These are some of the things we shall be looking at today as we discuss three treats with bubbles.
Dave found this for me while he was in Seattle. At first glance it could be hard candy with bubbles or like a Mentos. But sadly it is like neither. Nor is it refreshing. I mean, Refreshers are as refreshing as an executive chef at Red Lobster is an executive chef. That is to say NOT MUCH. Dave said it best "it is like eating a Tums." It is. A small oval chalky wafer that has some effervescence and no fruity flavor. Tums have better fruit flavor than these candys. I am not even refering to fruit flavored Tums either. Does the effervescent quality help the overall product? No. It is basically the selling point but fails all around to be refreshing or fun. I give this one Hot Topic employee wearing creepers and and a Cramps shirt out of 5.
Next up we have Fiona's black currant fizzballs. Well, there is a mouthful! Look at that classy glass bottle! This treat was obtained for me by the always super awesome Sarah! (Big round of applause.) It was from_ and cost like $12. Which might make it the most expensive thing I have reviewed?.?. So what we have here is a traditional hard candy with fizzy powder on the outside. Is it good? Yep. Pretty delicious actually. When you first put the candy in your mouth it has a sharpness from the fizzy powder and a tartness most likely from a touch of citric acid but that fades rather quickly leading to a pleasant berry flavor. Sort of tastes like if a blackberry and a blueberry had a baby. And you ate their berry baby. (mmmmm baby) So does the fizz pay off? Well, it sure does make it more interesting. But I could see it frightening a poor old grandma mouth. But for taking the risk I give this treat a 3 Hot Topic employees: one wearing fat pants and a dog collar, one who is 18 with a straight edge tattoo and a Morrissey T-shirt, and one who is going to regret their primal body modification when the realize that working at Hot Topic won't be cool in their late 20's, out of 5.
Lastly we have a Cola candy from Japan. This was found for me while Sarah and Dave were in San Francisco. Now I have had fizzy cola candies before and it makes sense. My favorite cola candy is from Haribo and it is gummy sour cola bottles. YUM. These candies aren't quite that good but they are decent and deliver what they promise. It is sweet, tastes like candy that is flavored like cola and it has a fizzy center. Like a cola Zot. Do the bubbles fit the bill? I'd say more so here since cola has bubbles. At some point. The cola flavor is good so even if there wasn't a fizzy filling it would be good. I give it a 4 Hot Topic employees: one wearing a Ramones t-shirt and a Lincoln Park hoody, one wearing an Invader Zim t-shirt that is 2 sizes too small for her body type, one with an emo haircut that really is just the same as Bieber's haircut but it is dyed black and he has plugs in his ear lobes, and one with a chin strap beard to show where his face stops and his Himsa hoody begins-Out of 5.

The end. (how goth)

.FOOrD BLOrG. You gots ta chill!!!

2011-06-07T17:38:00.001-07:00

Well well well, sun. So we meet again. I don't quite recall our exact last encounter but I do remember the smell of Banana Boat's 50 SPF lingering in the air. Oh yes, in recent years I have learned from our encounters. Each battle has tested my metal and taught me of your cruel unforgiving ways. Every scene of struggle has lead me to new weapons and tactics for our chess like conflicts. So beware "Sun" if that is your real name. (I have always suspected it was really Larry. Come on, name one good Larry that you actually know. I thought so. Oh and the one you just thought of doesn't count because he has that thing.)

The days are over where I just hide in a cave bunker during your brief but evil reign which some call summer. I have grown adventurous because my wife is somewhat of a "Larry" baby. (That sounded weird.... you know I mean sun baby right?) In the past it has been so drastic that she would walk on the side of a walkway while I cling to the side of a building so I might avoid its evil burning rays. True story. She even bought me not one but two sun shields for my side of the car. (Secret fact: One has Alf on it. HA!) However one cannot live that way forever and I have no intention for my wife to be married to a shut it and miss out on ADVENTURES!!!! So much like Batman (He is nocturnal right?) I have aquired tools to aid me through the deathbed of sunshine's scalding embrace. At first it was just good ole sunscreen and then we added a 20 ounce iced americano to sweeten the deal. However one can always plump up their utility belt....huh. Stock up? Anyway, today we shall discuss three possible new friends to join my cause. First up, Mr. Q Cumber!
Okay, I will just address the big white pornographic elephant in the room and say for all of us what is quite obvious- this drink sounds like a 1970's skin flick. Like you would see this on a marquee in Times Square as De Niro drives his taxi. (Sure wish I could recall the name of that film...)

This drink was found in just an average grocery store. We found it in Safeway and I instantly thought it sounded delicious! What I forgot is that most people like their beverages to taste like they are about 50 percent cake. Sure enough, one of the top ingredients is corn syrup. -SIGH. I mean come on people! It is cucumber sparkling water! Isn't that enough? Nope, those fatmouths involved in the recipe thought it needed cake shoved in there. So this was not great for me. Too sweet. I love candy and I love sparkling water but not together. ( What a bunch of cake lovin' Larrys!) As always, Dave came by and finished it. (Secret fact #2: He brought me some treats from his recent trip to Seattle. Dave is a hell of a dude!)
Now this I have talked about before because it is friggin' delicious!!!!! Man oh man this brewery is awesome! One of both Dave (hell of a dude) and I's faves. In fact Dave (h.o.a.d) and Sarah recently went to the brewery and had a sampler of their beers. Yeah. Rad. And get this, one had smoked oyster shells in the process. Yeah!?! What? Who makes these beers? A bunch of neon wielding wizards who's every graceful heel click makes the gods envious? Probably. That is my guess anyway. What did the gods make but one bitter blogger and one big annoying Larry? Right?..... Yes. I am right. Also I'd like to add that if you haven't had this you can find it all over but at Pasta Works on Hawthorne you can get an individual can for about $1.50. Trust me, if you buy the whole four pack-you will drink the whole four pack. These are that bodacious. Yep. Bodacious. This little friend may join me on the battlefield at dusk anytime. Side by side we shall fight back the cruel summer! (cue: Bananarama song not the cover by Ace of Base. And don't ask why I know that.)
Lastly we shall chew the fat about....er. Talk about is Ruby Jewel ice cream 'Pineapple Basil'. Yes, I realize that the photo looks a tad on the racist side but I assure you that the full logo is Ruby Jewel. I know that they have shops around the states at least on the left side of the states but this was found at Pastaworks for around 5 dollars. Is it worth it? YEPPERS!

This stuff doesn't taste like ice cream?!? It is like a gellato or sorbet or something. Which is good since the heavy milk base of ice cream would funk up the pineapple basil flavors. Some of you fatmouths might like that but not me. The flavor is fruity up front and herby in the rear. (you are making it sound that way not me...) Perfect. Trust me when I say that you should, nay, NEED TO, get some of this!! It is not listed on their website as a flavor so I bet it is a limited batch. Either way, find it. Now. This mighty beast may ride beside me through the theatre of war as we dispatch many a foe. In any case the war shall rage on as both these opponents attempt to best each other no doubt until death but today maybe you made a few friends. A few friends to help you stay cool this summer. That is important, I know because so many people wrote it in our autograph books in elementary and middle school. "Stay cool!"

*fatmouths- is in noway a hurtful term for people of a challenged weight. It is my term for people who like the fatty mouth feel of cream, butter, butter cream, etc.... So quit picking on people bigger than you. You look like a q-tip in a Big Dog tank top.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Friends or Enemies....?!?

2011-06-01T21:47:00.000-07:00

Let me just say upfront how much I appreciate that friends (Erin) and family (Sarah and Dave) find things for my little blog. It is so nice to be thought of by peeps while they are out in the world coming across snacks for me to (informally) write about. So very nice! Normally.... Now that we have got that out of the way lets get down to business!Oh sure, bacon water. Why not right? This was found for me by the awesome Erin. (Thanks Erin.) By this time everyone knows Voodoo Donuts bacon maple bar, bacon covered in chocolate, bacon jelly beans, etc... There are allot of bacon snacks in the world. So lets discuss why this exists: there you are eating your egg white omelet and your doctor said you can't eat bacon because of your health. Sure, bacon water. Or maybe you already have egg water and need bacon on the go. Sure, bacon water. Or maybe you worship a giant gold pig and need a substitution for holy water. Sure, bacon water. Or maybe not. Lets explain the NOT.

This cauldron of pure evil smelled like a wet ashtray took a poop in an old cowboy boot. Seriously. Everything about this was telling me 'DON'T DO IT." Alas I never look a gift horse in the mouth.... even if it smells like it is experiencing gastrointestinal issues and its mane is smoldering. So I picked up the glass and my brain said "Just don't and say you did!?!" I put the glass to my lips and the evil filled my mouth. It was at that moment that my throat closed as if to say "this is not meant for consumption". Then my eyes welled full of tears and my mouth kicked in with the mouth watering pre-vomit rinse. I was in trouble. Sarah said my face looked like I was going to puke. Which was correct. One hundred percent correct. I was seconds from regurgitating a truly delicious dinner in the name of Bacon tabs. Luckily for me I was 2 steps from the sink and spit it out along with several mouthfuls of panic saliva. I then rinsed my mouth out with buckets of water and attempted to regain my composure.

I almost tried this by myself and I am glad I didn't. Having a witness to this terrible experience made it extra special. I have learned through these posts that it is always better to share. Sadly after my experience Sarah was less than eager to try it. To be honest I wouldn't care to have somebody who is my super buddy feel what I felt. I know this product is marketed as a novelty. I would strongly argue that there is no novelty in this experience.

Usually the snack gift reviews I would liken to a funny harmless youtube video. This was more like the videos where one friend asks another to kick him in his naughty bits. Sure he is suffering but he asked his friend to do it and now everyone can laugh with them in their pain. Only instead of my bits, it was my mouth and instead of Erin's foot it was Bacon tabs. Don't think for a second though that I harbor any ill will. Heck, I didn't even demand retribution. (And I always do) That is a test of true friendship. I really can't talk about this anymore as I am getting quezzzzzy. I will leave you with a still of the brewing evil adversary I had to face.

.Cat with human hands. 1

2011-05-28T19:05:00.000-07:00

This was something I had wanted to draw for awhile and I was sitting at our dining room table staring at blank pages.....thought to myself 'Now is the time'. It is a weird angle but I have a feeling there might be five or so more of these coming up. So there is room for improvement. Sorry for the picture quality but it was a work in progress and I wanted to post it now.

.FOOrD BLOrG. mini blorg

2011-05-25T23:07:00.000-07:00

I have a few posts to do but this snack surprised me and I needed to talk about it. I am referring to Sour Gummy Popcorn.Now I know what you might be thinking- I have had a Jelly Belly that tasted like popcorn and it was gross. Yes, you are right! Or you are disgusting and like popcorn flavored jelly beans which most likely means you like thai chicken pizza and Doritos that are pizza flavored. To you I say " separate your snacks!!!!!"

This is not the case, this is a cute packaging of a fruit flavored candy. The box says that it is strawberry, apple, and watermellon flavored. They just shaped the pieces like popcorn and made all the flavors yellow. Needless to say I didn't expect much and just threw this into my lunch for work just as a mild treat. But WOW was I wrong.

For me, this was pretty great! I couldn't tell you what all the individual flavors were. In fact I thought they were just all the same flavor but I liked it. It has a familiar gummy texture a nice sour flavor and pretty much a fruit salad flavor. I loved it. I actually had to stop myself from eating them all so I could have Sarah try them since she also likes sour gummys.

Much to my surprise she said it tasted like watermellon. Maybe I was eating them too fast. I don't know but what I do know is that they are delicious. In hindsight the shape and packaging seems hokey since I like the flavor but in a world where there is already too many gummy snacks I guess you have to stand out. I suppose its kitsch factor elevates it as a gift item. All I know is that I won't turn down these as a gift in the future I just won't microwave them in butter next time.

.fOOrD BLOrG. drinks ov the sun

2011-05-21T21:53:00.001-07:00

Yeah, so I am aware that the weather is getting warmer. People are so starved for the sun. Yadda yadda yadda. I don't have seasonal depression. I don't get sad from the rain. I love the rain. I love the grey. I love living in PDX. See where I and others differ is the sun.

When the sun comes out it brings things......things like men in open toed shoes, shirtless men with misshapen bodies, thighs-why can't people keep their thighs hidden?, street musicians ( There is a reason people aren't paying to hear your music. You shouldn't punish unsuspecting citizens with your horrid bleating) and pollen. Yes, rain not only keeps Californians from moving here and making PDX a series of strip malls and terra cotta but the rain also keeps pollen out of the air. It is about the time people start talking about pretty flowers that I can't see anymore. My eyes get even redder and puffy and I look like a stoner. Great. The sun also does one other thing-it makes people thirsty. Which brings us to our first bevvy-
I didn't know there was a fruit called that either. Sarah and I found this at Fubon on 82nd. I have no idea why it is called ice drink. It is just juice. Weird tasting juice. Pretty much it tasted like raspberries and something like a strawberry. The weird part is it kinda coated your mouth like milk but there is no milk. Hmmm. Suspicious. I give this drink 3 backrolls showing thru an Old Navy tube top out of 5. Below is their description-
Next is another flavor from Sarah and I's favorite mint water producing company 'Metromint'.
Sick.
This drink tastes like amoxacilan. (Yea I know I spelled that wrong. I ain't no farm-a-cyst.) Seriously this stuff is neither fun nor refreshing to drink. It tastes like bad mint and crappy candy. If it had a salt aspect to it I'd think it came from Mexico. It is that bad. It gets 2 fire engine red skinned gingers trying to have fun at the beach out of 5.
What is that right? This can is so bewildering. It is almost like they wanted to sell on curiosity alone. Like have the label ask more questions than answer them. Milkis? Wha? Is it milk? Does it have bubbles? Melon flavored? Why does that man have a top hat which says sophistacated and a ballon which reads child like fun? Lets pour it in a glass and inspect-
Huh? Ok enough delay. This drink is surprisingly good. It is lightly carbonated. It does have some milk powder in the recipe and it does taste just like fresh melon. It is pretty fun as well. However I didn't want to drink the whole can. A few sips was just fine for me. This beverage gets 4 your butt is eating your short shorts out of 5.
So hat to do with the leftover Milkis? Well it is getting to be summer-
If you have never frozen something carbonated what happens is the bubbles leave little flavor tubes throughout. It makes a popsicle way better and lighter feeling. That doesn't mean a beer shaved ice is a good idea. Trust me.

Note* All of these beverages were acquired with the awesome Sarah who now has a blog of her own. Be a deer and check her out @ http://sarahspicymarshall.blogspot.com/

.FOOrD BLOrG. cHorcolorts

2011-05-11T15:49:00.000-07:00

Oh experimentation! New experiences! Variations! The excitement of going beyond the familiar! So many positive things can be said about straying form the well worn path of the ordinary. Last night for instance, Sarah and I went to Aviary on Alberta and we had things we have never tried before : pigs ear, goji berries, lotus bulb, and beer ice cream with a coffee gelee to name a few. Aviary succeeded for us because those steering it from the kitchen are not taking the well worn path of the ordinary. They aren't settling for the tired farm to table trend where pretty much all those restaurants serve the same dishes driven by the seasons. (Yawn. I get it asparagus is in season. Yippee!)

There is however a chance that straying the well worn path will end in unfavorable results. Today is a day for that story. You see, two weeks ago Sarah and I went on another adventure to a food pod on Belmont. (The sandwich place LARDO is awesome btw.) Before walking back to the car Sarah said she wanted to check out a strip of businesses and see what is there. One of the places was called CHOCOLAB. I know, I am not a big chocolate person but I had to see what this was all about. I was hoping it was a laboratory run by an actual chocolate labrador who scampered about barking nonsense to its employees who don't speak dog and make bad personal choices like working for a dog.....sadly it wasn't. What it was/is, is a chocolate shop that had some things to offer my blorg. Now we could have chosen a marshmellow something and a carmel something but we didn't. We chose 4 different truffles. You can see the flavors below:
Sorry about the blurry pic. Our pals Keith and Erin came over that night and the four of us split these four truffles. Here is the breakdown:

BLUEBERRY BASIL

Sarah-Tastes grainy...could be the glitter.

Keith-eh. Nothing great.

Erin- Tastes like chocolate.

dirk- Not great chocolate.

(This really was the most unremarkable truffle I have had. Forgettable at best.)

STRAWBERRY BALSAMIC

Sarah- Tastes like dried strawberries.

Keith-Tastes like the chocolate that wonka allows the oompa loompas to eat. You know, not the good stuff.

Erin- It is like eating uncooked brownies.

dirk- It is also gritty. I get no balsamic at all.
BLACKBERRY PINK PEPPERCORN-

Sarah-If you blindfolded a person they would think this is blue cheese.

Keith- Bad cheese. I taste bad cheese.

Erin-I taste a little basil..?

dirk-It tastes like earthy blue cheese. That seems pretty far off target from blackberry peppercorn which I taste neither of.

MEYER LEMON CURRY

Sarah-It really smells like curry. I kinda want to puke

Keith- Acrid.

Erin-It tastes like christmas's assh*le.

dirk-Horrid. Sticks in your craw making it hard to talk.

This last flavor was the worst!!!! So foul and unbalanced. These seem like experiments that didn't turn out. Like they should be in the sale bin. Not 2.50 each for a tiny disgusting truffle. They lady at chocolab had said they had changed their name. I am guessing that will happen again because selling sick snacks is bad for business.

Now lets review: trying new or different things is great!! But prepare yourself for some not so great experiences along the way and learn to laugh at those times rather than being bitter and sour. (like these truffles) Now if you'll excuse me I need to take this labrador into the vet cuz somebody taped test tubes to his paws and there was an acccident with a bunsun burner.....which didn't involve me. hmmm.

(Below you can see how much of each tiny truffle was left after four adults tried them. That is some darn gross chorcolorts!)
BLECH.

.(not a) FOOrD BLOrG.

2011-05-03T20:12:00.000-07:00

I'd like to let you in on a little secret I have about this blog. The backbone of it is tongue in cheek. See, the internet makes it possible for anyone to post their opinions about things even if the place within them that they are posting from is completely uneducated on the subject. That is why my blog is a collection of drawings that I hope you enjoy and pseudo/reviews of odd snacks. This blog or as I like to say blorg is about sharing a laugh not condemning anything. That is why I always encourage people to go forth and try the different items for themselves.

However a majority of reviews of anything really are mostly about one thing: personal taste. Now there is nothing wrong with personal taste I just think it is often used to judge things that we maybe don't understand the mechanics of. That is why you hear somebody (an idiot) say 'that movie is stupid.' That person doesn't mean that the film, in question, lacks ordinary quickness but rather that the film doesn't equate to their personal tastes. Of course that same person might also be referring to the films mismatched tone, poorly constructed character arch, or the blatant trope but chances are if they understand what those things are they didn't use 'stupid' to describe it. What does this have to do with food? Nothing. I have a cold and can't taste food. I can, however, watch movies.

A person in my class once said "for somebody who is so funny, you sure don't like many comedies..". What he was referring to were films he had seen and loved like "Macgruber", "The other guys", "Taldega Nights"....etc. Now I am not going to argue the merits of these films (it is enough to even call them films) but sum up what I like in other films. When comedy is most effective for me is when I have to think. When a line is said and I have to take a mental turn to get the joke. Where the concept isn't so formulaic and blatantly exposed so a wide audience can get the joke....................................................................................................................................................

get the joke.

I like the layers of comedy. I like the word play of comedy. I like the different formats that you can explore in comedy. I like when people f*ck with your expectations in comedy! If I already know what is coming then I am not entertained anymore. American comedy has been dead for years. At least in a mainstream sense. Anything good has been leeched from overseas. Then americanized and dumbed down. My point is that, for me, dick and ball jokes and naming people cunth isn't funny nor cleaver. Not because I am above potty humor at all. It just is all people have been writing and it is BORING.

Which finally brings me to the reason for my post:
I saw this a while ago but it hasn't been widely received here in the states. Well now it is on instant watch on NETFLIX. So people have no reason to not see it. What it is, is what also keeps people from seeing it. It is a comedy dealing with suicide bombers. Hold on for a second and listen. If people could handle Dr. Strangelove then, than you can handle this now.

The thing for me about watching this film again is how well it is written. I was hanging on their every word and the acting is so fantasticly done. If this was done here it would have some hambox like Ferrell dorkin' about mugging at the camera. I know I have been a little preachy here but I hate that an important comedy like this will be chosen 100 times less than a film called Milf or Grown-ups....Ok, I will go now. See you next week with 2 chocolate posts.

.FOOrD BLOrG. The Revenge of Dr. Pete

2011-04-26T19:03:00.000-07:00

This week's post is about small things. Life is really like a series of small things that we perceive as our own unified experience. Am I right? Seriously, am I? Because I have no idea what I was talking about for a second there . I was holding a crystal and listening to Tangerine Dream while taking my Biji when I think I entered a wormhole. Really, I just want to catch up on a few things and life gave me a fantastic experience to share with you. Yup. Get ready to be all shared on. (hmmm)

So chances are a few of you know this story but for those who didn't witness it please sit back and enjoy. What you see in the picture above is a flavor bottle for our new Sodastream machine. Yes it is called Dr. Pete. I think you know why. That is right, little pete is all grown up and he went to med school where he graduated at the top of his class. Now you can drink him.

(it is either that or Dr. Pepper was taken...)When I opened the box for the sodastream I found this flavor and posted it on Path saying something like "who is dr. pete?" Well I found out who he is. He is the man (or woman, sorry about your name) who brings the party!!!

It was easter and Sarah was obliging Dave by making him the Dr. Pete soda. Marisa, Daniel, and I were conversing about traversing the space time continuum or the Harlem Globetrotters or why caterpillars are called caterpillars since they don't look like pillars and they barely cater. (I don't recall which one.) So Sarah has made numerous bottles of sparkling water, just business as usual. Or was it? Because we didn't know it but when you use the sodastream to make a flavored soda you add the flavor after. Yep. After. What happens if you don't? I will tell you.

It explodes.

Luckily there were no casualties except like ten towels and everyones clothes. About the third or 5th time Sarah pushed the bubble button (don't call it that in front of the sodastream, it is very body conscious) it began spraying her with Dr. Pete at a high velocity. It was at this point I believe that she lost her visibility and froze. She stood there in the vicious onslaught of carbonated spray motionless. Yea, she didn't move an inch but what she did do made my life.

She laughed harder and wilder than I have heard her laugh maybe ever. (Now you might not know this because I don't post my private business on the interwebs and social networks but my favorite thing is making her smile and ultimately laugh. Seeing her happy is my number one everything wether I had something to do with it or not.) So there she froze completely unaware that the sodastream shot up into the ceiling and crashed to the floor right next to her. We all saw it and were so glad that she wasn't injured! That f-in thing is heavy. But she didn't, she instead roared with laughter and was soaked in Dr. Pete. Dr. Pete sprayed all over our spices, the ceiling, the cabinets, anyone in the kitchen, the floor.....ok, everything. And it was sticky. The witnesses were all troopers and laughed and helped clean up. (esp. Marisa who is a stand up gal.) How was it?

Well, Dave tried it from a glass and said it tasted like flat Dr. Pepper. Yes, Sarah blew the bubble right out of that Dr. Pete. I tried it off of my arms and it did taste like Dr. Pepper (and arms). So long story short, the sodastream is alive and well but we are rather cautious of it. Like a child who loves the ocean but gets knocked down by a wave. Then the child has a new respect for the ocean. (or it is a big fat crybaby. it is just an ocean.) Only our ocean experience tasted like 23 unique flavors (mine tasted like 23 and arms).

(The sodastream was 99 dolars and if the box had told me this would happen and Sarah would laugh that hard I would have paid 200)

Whoa, wait we are still going after that? We are but I will keep it short I just have some bits to share with you. Yes more sharing of bits. The above beer was found for me by Sarah. I had asked for a special beer for the weekend and she found me this not so little devil. It was fermented with honey and was amber in color. Sadly, that is all I recall of this beer. I know I finished it and I remember the honey lingering on the palette. Personally I like the label. Next!
This is a beer form Astoria. Eh? Not great. Not terrible. How is that for specific? I finished it. Medium bodied and a tad tinny. Whoah!!! Hey look who it is!!!!

..............................................................................................................................................
Why it is Brian Mumford!!!!!!!!! The nicest man on the planet and a musical gem to boot!

(Don't eat him. I now this is mostly a foord blorg) *go see Dragging an Ox through water or one of his other smart musical outfits.

And lastly,
"THE BOY WHO COULD FLY" IS AN AWESOME MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No jokes kids. Fred Savage, tootie from Facts of Life? Come the funk on!!! Trust me when I say give it a re-watch!

.FOOrD BLOrG. kom-BOO!-cha

2011-04-20T18:07:00.000-07:00

Allow me to preface this post with "This is not a fair fight". Way before even trying Kombucha I hated it. Mainly (and I am not the only one) because of how people talk about it. People go *ape wang about this business. (*ape wang is not a catch phrase yet) People yammer on and on about its supposed health benefits such as metabolic balancer, detoxifier, and probiotics. None of which are scientifically proven. YES. Reread that last sentence. Those dreadlocked white people who are trying to sell you on this don't have a hacky sacking leg to stand on. (not just cuz they are sacking with mother moon stream and brother bear either.) People will go on about how they feel it in them and how it regulates their digestion.

Now incase you don't know what Kombucha is I will simply break it down for you. Kombucha is rotten tea. Yep, your college room mate made Kombucha several times in the kitchen and you didn't even know that dirt munchers would pay you money to drink it and help them poop. I also don't mean to burst their bubble by saying a major side effect of ingesting anything that has rotted is the bacteria will hit the evacuation button for your lower abdomen. That is why they call it food poisoning and not say "I eat raw chicken for the cleanse!" Silly silly organic fools.

Why would hippies buy this you might be wondering? They don't, they just make their own rot tea at home. Seriously and that is why they probably like it. You can create a mother spore and move a sister spore to a new jar....blah blah blah. If you haven't had the misfortune of somebody talking to you about this just look on the interweb. Sick grossness. Sure hippies won't buy it but yuppies will and that is what we have to discuss here.
Both of these were found at the local New Seasons (Natures rip). This first one smelled like feet. The bad kind of feet. Like I imagine the feet of somebody who wears wool socks because it is organic and doesn't bathe because it wastes sky fathers tears. The kind of person who thinks their nose raping, eye blinding stink is attractive and that their beard grease is good to keep their elbows moisturized. (and that is just the ladies) The taste I would say is nothing printed on that label except 'fermented'.

Remember in the last post where I discussed how a few words on a label can make the decision for you? Well, juniper, spearmint, and lemon did that for Sarah and I. Unfortunately, those flavors were masked by the taste of a well sweated on pair of hemp pants after a long Bikram Yoga session. This was sick. We both did not drink much. I had a drink and wanted it out of my mouth so bad that if somebody had said "you will never taste anything close to that again in your life, just listen to half of a coldplay song". I would have thought about it and then done what I did. Which was drink anything else liquid in the fridge and eat some sweetarts. (sweetarts, I am sorry I had to do you that way but I needed relief from oppressive rot drink.) Sarah had maybe three drinks. In all we barely cleared the neck of the bottle before releasing it back into the wild collective stream via the sink. Which reminds me I need to burn some sage in the kitchen.
I needed about a week between kombucha drinks. Not because it messed with my exits or anything. I just didn't want anymore. Alas I had to finish what I started and that meant opening a can of (i wish i was typing :can of whoop ass) *granola gravy. (*not a real term either...i don't think) This yuppie beverage was "better". You can't taste the rot as much and the pear and ginger is more on the fore front. Which is better for me but then why wouldn't I just buy a ginger pear soda? This post aside, I would if I drank soda. So between the two this is the lesser of two evils.

I want to also note that these are in stores so they are quite different than what you make in your stinky home. The beverage home brewed has "strings" in it of fermented tea. By fermented tea I mean mold. Yes, you drink mold strings and get tons of imaginary health benefits! No thanks, if I want to imagine health benefits I will do so in a Bud Light thank you. Komucha also has alcohol in it. .5 percent which is the legal amount for a non alcoholic bevvy. Also there is an off sweetness to the taste which is from that sugar-alcohol conversion situation. I am sure somebody will read this and think it is inacurate (that isn't even spelled write.....and that is the wrong kind of right!) well, I am often not accurate. Deal with it. If I wanted to be all fact spilling I would have gone to college to be an internet. (And not the kind of internet that is all porn and guys getting hit in the junk either.) Before anyone raises their unibrow and says I am being mean on hippies let me say this: In many ways the hippies win. The earth is all jacked up so living green IS cool. There is tax benefits to leaving less of a carbon footprint (even if it is in open toed shoes, you bastards). There is more tree planting and gardens now than in the seventies (I made that up completely but it seems right.) My point in talking about this is that I don't care about your decomposed drink or your cleanse. Which let me just close on that "a cleanse" is just hippie yo-yo dieting. Your liver isn't going to forgive your 115 mai-tais. There I said it. Hippies have people doing more earth huggin' and tree kissing than ever. Be happy about it. Smile those sun weathered hippie lips hiding under that 15 year old boy mustache. (still just the ladies)

The world is full of beverages. Beverages that don't need to be stinky and rotten. We have refridgeration. You can choose something else to drink. Somebody serving me this is like on t.v. where the unattractive guy eats pig anus. If that was me (I wouldn't put my face on t.v. one. and two I might ask what happened to the pig....like the whole pig minus the anus. Because I am sure somebody else will eat that part while I eat the non-anus pork chop).

I am just saying, you could also drink water. Crazy I know. I hear there is science to back that up. (the health benefits of water not me being crazy) Now if you will excuse me my friends wind-feather, patchouli-pixie, and night-soil want me to go play frisbee golf. Peace! One love! Oh and happy 420..........ugh.

.FOOrD BLOrG. F-U! Iceland

2011-04-17T20:22:00.000-07:00

So I have been trying to eat a tad healthier. In my lunches, at work, I replaced thick bread with thin wheat sandwich things. I replaced chips with baked chips and then no chips just carrot sticks. I replaced cheese on my sandwich for juliened carrot and cucumber (ala bahn mi). Lastly I added non-fat yogurt. Super exciting right? I am sure the problem is my lunches and not my 1 billion beer diet. Yeah? huh...... Anyway, no matter the benefits of eating better anything can become boring. So some days it is good to get a different yogurt or what have you just to keep things fresh....sometimes.Now I didn't know what Icelandic style yogurt is. However, I do now know that I don't like it. Have you ever noticed that just one word or a combination of two and you have to get whatever it is? For instance I recently was at Tabla celebrating (with Sarah and Dave) an awesome couple tying the knot. (Cheers Pat n Em) and a cocktail had "clove salt". I had to try it. It was lame. But that combo made me buy it...or somebody else buy it but that isn't the point. When I saw this yogurt I thought 'Yum'. Little did I know that Icelandic people are disgusting ice trolls who simply want you to hate your mouth for a moment. (Note: the people of iceland are not trolls. I am pretty sure anyway.)

The appearance of this yogurt was thick. Like unbelievably thick and there were visible bits of something. My spoon reluctantly dug into this thick heavy sludge and I even more reluctantly lifted the spoon and put it into my mouth. Not the whole spoon just the part with goop on it. Now I have tasted a fair amount of things and usually I can hate on something that I don't enjoy the taste of. But this was so sick I actually jumped over that step and just hated my mouth for existing. What did it taste like? Like losing. Like losing in a poop eating contest. You know, like you lost and you ate poop.

I didn't taste ginger or orange. I tasted sort of sour..not good sour..and thick. It seriously coated my mouth like nothing ever has and it clung to the insides of my mouth and coated my tongue. I tried coffee to no avail. Same outcome with water. My only savior was carrots which scraped away the horrid yogurt offender. I did not take a second taste. I won't be getting this again. If you want to, head on over to New Seasons and spend 2 bucks on an Icelandic practical joke. Later.

.FOOrD BLOrG. mYStErY.....................(something to chew on)

2011-04-12T19:25:00.000-07:00

For the past few posts I have had an idea in the back of my mind. The concept of taste. What is its mysterious origin within us all? And how does that taste shape us?.... I won't get too into all of that (because my mind often dislikes finished thoughts) but as I approached this post all about gum I thought this might be an opportune time to 'chew' on the idea. (cuz the post is about gum...... and you have to chew gum......well, I guess you don't have to but it is more enjoyable....eh hem.)

I have come to realize over the years how much my personal tastes have isolated me in some ways. For instance at work where people discus sports and fantasy sports I have no taste for those things and therefor no place in the conversations. I don't listen to the radio in order to discover new bands or watch those Mtv shows that pay people who ruin their lives money. (I think the latter of those two is about one step from a disability reality show for people to laugh at.) I have no taste for it. Does that make me cool to listen to different music or to not watch those shows? No. I argue that all those things are driven by taste. There are days when I wish that my taste was different because it would be easier to feel included. For some reason I can't.

(cue: Joy Division 'ISOLATION')

When I was in first grade my mom could look out the kitchen window and see me sitting on a bench by myself watching the other kids play together. I guess I still am that same little boy only now that boy is listening to Third Eye Foundation and putting weird snacks in his mouth.

Which brings us to our first gum:

I am pretty sure Sarah got this for me but she may have found it in NY....hmmm. Anyway, it says SOUR so it has to be sour right? N-O-O-O-P-E. (that is like super nope) When I opened it I felt a weird wash of nostalgia. Something familiar and yet not the good kind of familiar. Oh yes, FRUIT STRIPE! That stupid gum that looked fun but had all of a second worth of flavor, if you call that a flavor. It was more like somebody chewed a piece of gum with a chunk of pouperie and breathed into your mouth. Hopefully this will taste better. Nope. Although the flavor lasted 2 minutes. Almost. So plus 50 points. (yeah I added points to entice the sports crowd...) But the paper stuck to the stick of gum so minus 800 flags and bases.
I don't know anything about this gum. I bought it blindly at an Italian grocery in NY. I could google it but I like adventure when it comes to these things. As I opened the package I smelled something familiar again. Chicklets. AWE MAN. (minus fifteen chest bounces if this is a chicklet...) And here is when surprise comes into play. . . It looked like a rectangle with round edges and crunched like a chicklet but it tasted like mentholatum. Like when you were a kid and you put it under your nose and licked it on kinda accident. But in gum form. The flavor lasted about a minute and a half. (so plus some sliding and putting things aggresivly in basket shapes where it just falls out and repeat.) *This is going well.
What? Hubba Bubba has a mystery for me to solve with my mouth? Well, detective tounge is here! ugh. Forget that last part...or two parts. While we are on the subject of mysteries. What is a hipster? I know what I picture and that is a person who dresses in a certain way to get attention. Why would anyone do that? If it wasn't for some reason comforting to me to have a lesbian haircut, over manicured eyebrows, and a lip piercing I wouldn't. I don't want anyone looking at me. I bought invisible spray but it got lost in the mail. (cuz it was invisible).....(and so was the mailing address sticker for some reason)

This gum was also nostalgic because it is freakin Hubba Bubba. It smelled like Hubba Bubba. My favorite flavor of which is cherry cola. This flavor smells like cherry lemonade so I am down. The piece was yellow on the outside and red in the center. It looked like a fat Bonker. (if you remember bonkers....) the taste was..............cherry lemonade. I am almost certain. You know when they make Airheads, the way they get a mystery flavor? It is the by product of changing from one flavor to another. Rather than stop the machines or throw the weird candy out they just call it 'mystery'. Bet you didn't know that?!? Amazing I know. ( Try working that into a conversation about Ke$ha or the Bulls) Oh, the flavor lasted around six minutes but that is a long time to intensely salivate. (So Hubba is up a quarter and down a penalty box...or something)

In closing, I don't mean to sound special in anyway. Quite the contrary, I think everyone has different tastes but if they are similar to others in large margins you look to be apart of a whole of something. Ah, who knows. Not me, I just know that it is weird for me now to watch children play on a playground.

.FOOrD BLOrG. . . Blatant Lies or awkward interpretations

2011-03-28T21:08:00.001-07:00

Sometimes in the real world people can twist the meanings of things in order to make them fit their agenda. Now I won't get into specifics (don't want to offend) except one: People who look at dinosaur bones and think 'That never happened." There are people like that right? They look right at the thing in front of their face and then disagree with its very existence. Pretty deep for me I know but I mention those people because I just had that moment with the first snack. Please examine the candy below. (By the way, all three of todays treats were found in New York.)
See there, on the end! It says mints. Right? I see it, 15 Mints. Huh? Because when I opened the packaging I saw flat square Pez type candy. Ok. Then I put one in my mouth. The mouth feel was quite similar to that of a Pez. The flavor was that of a weak lemon. And so began my waiting game. I waited. And I waited. Then came the moment when I decided to chew it and see if the mint in question was lying in wait in the center. Nope No mint. HUHWHA? So I looked back at the lable. M-i (so far so good) n-t (ok that spells mint in the singular form) s. Yup, it says multiple mints. How is this possible? Do I not believe enough that there is in fact mint present? I shall try again. Yet there was no mint for me. Just gritty pressed candy disappointment. (or disappoint-MINT, see what I did there?) I took pause at this. Can someone really lie to you promising that something is there that isn't? Quite a quandary. Quite a quandary indeed. Shame on you C Howard.
Well they can't be all winners. Lets move on to the next-Oh crap it is another C Howards candy!

Wait a second, this candy looks very similar to the other only look at the lable!
No allusive mint mentioned? Now it is candy? Tropical candy? One can only assume that this is a different line of the same kind of candy from the same NY based company. So I opened the wrapper and it looked the same as the previous candy. I have to say that this flavor they captured much better than the lemon. That being said, it still isn't a great candy. Honestly I don't know who this is targeted for. People who grew up with Pez but dont want to rip the candy throat out of a pocket sized buggs bunny? Or which ever you had. The funny thing about Pez was that some people kept the hollow carcasses after they had reaped all they could while other tossed those right in the trash. I just imagine the Pez dispenser on the shelf at the candy store wondering what life will be like on the outside and if there is a shelf space for their afterlife or if it will just be landfill time for an eternity. DINOSAURS! What? Let us keep moving shall we?
Oh man, here we go. Italy. I don't recall having had a snack from Italy yet on the FOOrD BLOrG. This treat we found in NYC at the awesome Italian Market EATILY. Which if you go to NYC you have to go to this market it is pretty interesting to say the least. Now being that this is from Italy and Absinth flavored I am expecting the real deal. I have had pastilles before and Absinth as well. (The first time was when I was 21 djing an SnM party in Eugene Or but that story is for another day.) I will tell you upfront (incase you forgot) I don't like black licorice. That makes up a large part of the Absinth flavor. In this case that was the best part. Bummer.

This treat had 2 flavors. Anise and bitterness. Heavy on the bitterness. This thing was so bitter I didn't enjoy it as much as endure it. Afterwords I crammed a guava candy in my mouth just to erase the bitterness. This thing was not pleasant but I will say they were honest at what the experience was. It tasted like Absinth. Really bitter absinth. Now if you will excuse me I have some soul searching to do. (and by that I mean I need to bury these candies in an unmarked grave.)
WHOA THE WORMWOOD!!!! I can see dancing minty dinosaurs everywhere!!!!!

.FOOrD BLOrG. . .SWEATING TIME.

2011-03-22T20:45:00.001-07:00

I love coffee. Like really love coffee. I drink coffee. Like really drink coffee. (is that annoying?) The only thing I love more than coffee is iced coffee. Needless to say I ingest a large amount of caffeine all day and sometimes night. Now this isn't a problem, for me. Until I need to try a product such as this. Hello Nixie Tubes!!!What are they? A Nixie Tube is a caffinated pixie stick essentially. Only they changed the first letter and sell them in test tubes. SARAH and I found this online at geek squad while buying my brother a Star Trek pizza cutter. True story, damn fine pizza cutter I might add. Anyway, it seemed pretty crazy so we bought it and they have sat in the candy bowl awaiting their day of judgement.

They come in five flavors: watermelon, fruit punch, cherry, lemon/lime, and blue raspberry.

Allow me to set the scene, it was 8pm and I wanted some coffee only the french press was dirty, the coffee pot was empty and I had already drank an espresso today. Then I remembered the Nixie Tubes and decided today was their day. The flavors are not too awesome but about on par with a Pixie Stick. My favorite was the fruit punch because it tasted like a crushed Sweetart. I love Sweetarts. (side note: Easter is my favorite sweetart holiday because they make chicks, ducks, and bunnies. I love biting their heads off like I am an ogre...but handsome. A handsome head eating ogre.)

Here is the weird thing, you know how caffeine comes on when you drink coffee? Gracefully, like ballerina it dances through your veins waking you up. You know how caffeine comes on in, say, oh, Sparks or Four Loko (r.i.p)? Like a hobo fumbling with your brain like it is a Rubix cube. That is also how the Nixie Tube works. The label says that it contains 2oomg. I can ingest that in coffee no problem but something changes when it is taken out of coffee. I don't know what. I am not a rocket scientist....or whom ever would know that answer.

So about 15 minutes after ingesting said tube my mouth began to tingle and my heart picked up its pace a bit. I even got a little sweaty. Fun? No not really. It works though. I went to bed at 4am and didn't sleep until 4:30. I spent the evening fidgiting and twitching away. But this product wasn't designed for me. This was designed for nerds who don't like coffee. Remember, I like coffee. I could see this product selling well in the rave scene. There is still a rave scene? That is weird. I could also see this selling well in the coke crowd. Just mix in some Nixie and you have lemon/lime cocaine! Isn't there a song about that?(I don't endorse the use of cocaine.)
So I guess you could just snort your Nixie Tube. Str8 to da dome! (Please don't do that.)

.FOOrD BLOrG. Chewzie Chorps

2011-03-21T15:30:00.000-07:00

To be honest I am a little under the weather here. No I am not sick but a little defeated. Here we are on post 101 and my camera app that have been using since the dawn of .FOOrD BLOrG. has gone the way of Another Bad Creation- it doesn't work anymore. (Did you think I was going to make an Iesha reference?) So the aesthetic I was going for has been compromised (I bet you didn't think I was even aiming for an aesthetic..) and to top that I didn't even photograph one of the items that I was going to talk about. Yeah, rookie mistake. Here I was all ready to talk about musical tastes and that this is post 101 which is the title of my favorite tour documentary for Depeche Mode and instead I am full of regret and angst. (too much? yea, maybe a bit)

So Sarah, Erin, and Keith are my crew on this wobbly tour of the world....well not really the world but two places. Huh, this just isn't my day. Lets get to it. (While you are looking at this picture I did 50 jumping jacks 30 sit ups and drank a double espresso.....that ought to get things going.)
Coming atcha from Japan is this, our first chewy snack. Bontan Ame Citrus candy! F.t.w.d.k (for those who don't know) a Bontan is the largest of citrus fruits and its flavor was instilled into a chewy candy in 1926 and the recipe has remained unchanged since. (This is where I would originally tied this back into music and personal taste. Mostly doing so just to justify getting to say COLDPLAY SUCKS!!! See I really can't stand coldpee...I mean Coldplay. The sound of 'it' makes my insides quake with anger/disgust. What were we...? oh) By now in this experiment of world snackery I have learned that Japan makes great snacks now. Not always the case. Not for my palette. The whole rice candy no flavor deal doesn't sit well with me. I am not poo pooing on tradition I am just saying it isn't for me.

S- ugh, it tastes like paste. it gets big and fat in your mouth and takes up your whole tounge. Kind of like a lemon head with less flavor and no sour.

E-I agree with Sarah. the rice paper wrapper makes it taste off. not lemony enough to taste good. the texture is off.

K- konichiwa flavor. like eating a creature's liver that ate a smaller creature who had eaten a lemon.

D- wax. really mild citrus. barely a flavor. I tried to peel the wrapper off in order to see what it would taste like without it but it was impossible.

See-

Next we have an addition hailing from AUSTRALIA. Yes, a first here. Green apple licorice. This was a gift from Sarah for the purpose of this blog. Thank you, Sarah. Lets see how it is:

S- it smells like homemade fruit leather. Tastes like dried pears in wax.

E-very much a waxy pear.

K- an ear waxy pear.

D-cheap waxy licorice.

I don't know why they even bother making it? There is already a billion types of licorice out on the market and I'd say about 90% are better than this attempt. I would bet that an apple scented candle would be more enjoyable to eat than this licorice. I bet even an apple scented candle purchased at a Dollar Tree tastes better than this licorice. I bet the floor of the Dollar tree....ok, that is too far. Typing this I just realized how silly it is to have to capitalize 'Dollar Tree'.

The last item was something I had held onto for 5 months just waiting for the right moment. Then I fudged up and forgot to photo it. What was it? Oh just a gummy donut candy from Japan that was individually wrapped and the size of a 50 cent piece. (Like the money unit not the rapper unit) It wasn't that great either. It looked cool. Didn't taste like a donut though. We all thought it tasted more like TANG at which point Keith said 'WU-TANG-CLAN'. That was the highlight.

So what have we learned? Well, I'd say no matter how far we get in any avenue of this experiment called life, we can and will make mistakes. The point is to have friends or loved ones to laugh with through those times. Too much? How about coldpee is a stupid band!!!

Now if you will excuse me I am going to go to the playground. (Ya know)

(ftwk)for those who know-

I DEMAND RETRIBUTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.FOOrD BLOrG. drink it...or don't. Part 2 (100th post)

2011-03-15T21:28:00.001-07:00

Yes this is the one hundredth post on my nonsensical blog. In order to celebrate I say we have a drink....or three. Literally three different drinks shall be discussed within this epic 100th post. (There really is no epic anything about this but what do you care? Either way you are passing time on the interweb.) In all of the immense success of this blog and my 42 billion followers somehow I have managed to maintain a level head. Yes, looking back over the years there have been some good times, some bad times, and some really bad times for my mouth. Also some bad times for my friends mouths. It is to those brave souls to which I'd like to dedicate this post. Without friends to endure the things that I become obsessed with I would just be a shut in who likes to try weird things. So belly up to the bar and lets tip one out for my homies.Recently Dave (radtastic brother in law, Sarah (best wife award winner every year for 5 years straight) and I went to New Seasons and I bought this Porter. So what right? Well I bought it for the next time Dave came over because I wanted to try it but I had a sinking feeling I would hate it and Dave is really good about not wasting things. (Nice run on sentence) The reason why I thought I'd find it gross is revealed in the photo below-
See, I don't like black licorice. I am not racist I just think that flavor is terrible. (Remember the salt licorice post?) However, I thought I should try it and see how it is used in this beverage and how it pairs with a porter. It smelled like an average porter which is fine. I don't mind a porter at all in fact what else says winter like a big pint of porter? I guess, snow, santa, skiing, but those have a far lower alcohol content than a porter. The taste was not for me. Sarah didn't care for it either. It was like somebody ate black licorice and then mouthed my beer right before my drink. The flavor went like this: mmm, hmmm, ah black licorice. A three step palate parade ending with a handshake never to return. I didn't need a second drink to confirm that this was not for me. I took one sure but I didn't enjoy it.

Once we began passing this around we also began discussing if it was being served at the right temperature. Dave thought it should be warmer and upon further investigation he was correct. I thought colder was better in order to hide the flavor accents that I bought this to try. (I know that makes no sense.) As it warmed it opened up like a chilled wine. Different notes come forward. I don't like this drink but Dave finished it and Emmit liked it. I think ultimately if you like porter than give it a try. It is worth the 2.50 for the conversation. Next!
Sarah bought this at a produce market up the street from our home in SE PDX. The flavor was Cactus Honey. (Sound enticing?) The price was 50 cents. (Sound like a warning?)

Here is a tip for you, anything gourmet that is on sale is most likely not "gourmet". Now sure, there are exceptions like perishables but if it is a product on a shelf not so much. Another tip is that sometimes you get what you pay for and 50 cents is not a good price for a flavored gourmet drink. How was it? SICK. Sarah and I both thought it was undrinkable. Sarah was super thirsty and drank one sip and I had the same experience. What did it taste like exactly? Hmmm, how to put this....... It tasted like the dusty inside of a used shoe box-with cheap honey flavor!!!! The honey part made the poor quality of flavoring stick in your mouth. Normally I don't discourage people from trying a product but this one is a DO NOT. For it IS ripe. Next-
This beverage was a gift from Dave for christmas. Ok, I know this is 3 months later but look at that label in the photo. That sounds disgusting. Don't get me wrong, my favorite part of this project is when people (so far Sarah and Dave) give me something to write about. It is that thought of them seeing something and thinking of me. It is so nice. Sort of fitting that most of the finds are real wild cards as well. (Just saying) So the six pack (yes, I have five more in the fridge) has been chilling in the icebox until today. I was hesitant but I knew that this beverage should be a part of this 100th post. So I popped the cap off and had the Matuey experience.

It smelled like Raisin Bran. Wet raisin bran. I am not making stuff up at all. This business smells like straight up wet raisin bran. It was at this point that I really was rethinking drinking this beverage but I had to persist. (cue epic music) In the names of all those friends who rely on me to try something new every week. To provide a brief distraction from their weekly doldrums! I CAN NOT FAIL.

It tasted like if you squeezed wet raisin bran into a glass and drank it. -sigh. So very aweful. If that sounds like your thing then message me because I have 5 more. I would pour them down the toilet but that seems like an insult to the poo and pee already in the sewer. Seriously, poo and pee, you owe me one. (Not one poo or pee. Just to clarify. In fact you don't owe me one of anything....you are just welcome.) Lastly, kudos to you for taking a moment to peruse my BLOrG. You three people I hope get at least an occasional chuckle out of this hobby of mine. Cheers to you. See you at the 200 mark.

.FOOrD BLOrG. pOORLY cONcieved

2011-03-12T14:28:00.001-08:00

It is true that everyday even the tiniest thing can teach us something about ourselves. Our alarm not going off can upset our routine which can tell us that our everyday patterns provide comfort for us. A person stopping at a crosswalk and smiling to tell us we may cross can actually make us thankful to be apart of this species and not loathe its ability to only think of itself. An expose on animal porn can teach us the relief of never having the urge to attend that kind of "petting" zoo. A t.v. show can alert us to the fact that we never want to go to New Jersey. Ever. Yes, even something as simple as the appearance of a snack can tell us something about ourselves. With that in mind, I give you:SLAPS!!!! So the proverbial gato is out of the bag here, this hails from Mexico. I know. (sigh) I know but they deserve a chance. (again and again) This was found at a mexican grocer out far out in PDX SE. There is a whole bunch of weirdness going on here. This treat is creative for sure but lets be honest, not every invention is good or needed really. Nonetheless this candy comes from 'Jose's Yummies' which sounds questionable already. Any dudes name before the word 'yummies' just sounds like a ploy to get somebody to ogle his manbits. For instance, Hanz's yummies, Dick's yummies, Harold's yummies, or my favorite- Barnaby's yummies. All pretty wangish. (Which is not a word....yet)
So as you can see here we have two flavors of slaps in the package of 15 for 1.29. (Yeah, that is a good sign.) Essentially what this appears to be is a fruit rollup not rolled up and with a stick. Yes, a stick like a lollypop stick. So once you remove the plastic pieces that surround the slap you can hold onto the stick from which the slap flacidly dangles. Mmmmmmm. Who wouldn't want that?
Hungry? Well I bit into a piece of this and the texture was far from what I expected. See I thought it was going to be more like a fruit situation but what we have is a gritty sugar situation. Normally that might appeal to me if it is sour enough. This is not and after two bites I dropped it in to the trash. Oh, I went with red by the way and it was not strawberry, cherry, raspberry, or anything berry really. My tongue feels funny and regrets being in my mouth. Perhaps the 'slap' this snack refers to is what happens to your mouth for expecting deliciousness from a treat from mexico. I didn't try yellow after that and I am not sure if I will. One slap was enough for me. Thank you, I do not want another. If this were some sort of S&M situation my safe word would be something along the lines of " Trust me you don't want Jose's Yummies in or near your mouth. I bet even Jose doesn't like his own yummies. Please for all that is delicious do not go forth and taste these demonic creations!"Too many words? Then maybe my safe word would simply be "wangish".
By now you are probably wanting me to divulge what I learned about myself thru 'Jose's yummies'. Was it the manbits/yummies thing? Was it that one of these picture looks like a jacked up condom? Nay, it was that when I first looked at these in the packaging I thought 'I bet that is what Willy Wonka's tongue looks like.' Which of course led to his entire body including: gum ball eyes, red rope intestines, circus peanut toes, to name a few. Oh and I also learned that I eat things before reading their due date. See below!
Ain't that just straight up wangish????

What did you learn?

.FOOrD BLOrG. Chorcolate chreats!!!+1

2011-03-01T18:59:00.000-08:00

I hate to confess at the beginning of any post regarding chocolate that I am not really a big fan but if I don't I feel like I am hiding something. Sorta like a person who only drinks Boones Farm who is asked to talk about a fine Shiraz. Although not all treats are perfectly designed balances of awesomeness as you are about to bear witness to. In this post we will discus not one but four eatables with input coming from not one but 5 mouths. Before you say that sounds like too much let me assure you there will just be short concise comments by each person on the food in question. It is my hope that this panel of pallets will provide a perfect POV for you passive people to ponder. (say that three times fast) So my tasting friends on this evening are Keith, Erin, Sarah, Dave and myself. Here we go-This candy hails from NYC at the Economy candy store....that is a fact and here is what we thought.

K-There is something crunchy in there.... (This was K's favorite of the evening.)

E- Sweet chocolate...kinda waxy.

S-eh, it is just chocolate. Poor peoples chocolate. (i had a typo for a second and that read poop people chocolate...note-don't eat poop people chocolate. ever)

Dave-cheap chocolate. waht i'd expect from something called economy candy. tastes like those foil covered chocolate eggs.

dirk- walgreens chocolate. nuff said. there is no marshmellow taste or grahm cracker crunch. blech. (There was no scent and no real after taste. Quite a let down if there was one in the snack kingdom) NEXT!
Yup. Your eyes don't deceive you, that is a 6 dollar chocolate bar.(sigh) This hails from an italian import grocer in the Chelsea Market in NYC. There were about five types but we chose this one as the most odd and enticing. (psst, we were so very wrong) Ginger and Goldenberry? Oh yes....oh no.

K- Should have called it scab berry.

E- It is taking my tounge hostage.

S-tastes like a scab on chocolate. looks like a scab on chocolate. Goldenberry? More like scab berry.

Dave-its confectioners chocolate. Aweful. Ugh. Sick!!! (Dave didn't eat anymore of this which proves it IS really aweful.)

dirk-tastes like baking chocolate there is no ginger flavor and goldenberries are just friggin raisins. and I HATE RAISINS. (This was voted the worst of this selection and in the tops of worst ever) Before we move on check out the idiot spew on the back of the 6 DOLLAR CANDY BAR!
Bull pucky!
These were either also found in Economy or at another shop in NYC it kinda blends together for me on that last trip. I should also say that I am an ignoramus for thinking just cuz it says bon bon that it is chocolate. This one isn't chocolate. It is a box of individually wrapped tea flavored hard candies.

K-I am just suckin' on tea and milk.

E-like having a tea bag in your mouth... bitter in the back of the mouth. not very fun and tooo gritty.

S-tastes like black tea. i like it. like tea with milk. I bet Damien would like these. Oolong.

Dave-...sucking on a teabag. chewing on a crystalized teabag.

dirk- not bad. a good tea flavor. (then I chewed it up and it made my mouth feel real weird. weird for awhile. the kind of weird a mouth feels when it has been abused by too much citric acid or tea or some other chemical...)
Lastly we have this 1.99 gem from City Market PDX. This small goodie is a scene stealer on this collection plate.

K- like chai and cinnamon.

E-i like it. it changes flavor. i like the cinnamon. (FAVE!)

S-like a chai dr. pepper. i like rich people chocolate better than poor peoples chocolate. (FAVE)

Dave-tastes like christmas. OH YEA! (trust me he sounded like the Koolaid man) All around good. (FAVE)

dirk-choco-chai awesomeness! Not a chocolate fan but this is sooooo delicious. it really does have a holiday feel to it. Celebratory. (FAVE)

There you have it, another episode of five friends putting things in their mouths together. Luckily not involving a bowl of keys (am I right swingers?and/or people who survived the 60's. Now I don't wish to offend swingers I merely mean to point out that we are not interested in diddiling a strangers fiddle. Ok? No plum smuggling here. No trolly trusselers amoung us......(not sure what that means)I am sure the PDX swinger scene is full of lookers sure....(it isn't, I heard it is 80% dudes that look like Ron Jeremy minus the endowment and the ladies are shaped like a caterpillar mated with a cupcake. You know what I mean, body all weird segments kinda folded on top like a kinda oragami flesh lump........flesh lump? what am I talking about? Oh yes, chocolate....um). Moving along, I am open to suggestions of things to try (food or drink wise) or your reactions. It felt good to get a group post out there with my pals involved as I was feeling overwhelmed with all this stock pile of questionable treats. I really need a sign off catch phrase so if you have one hallah at me(since that one stinks). Till next time, stay out of Walgreens. I am serious.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Picture Candy!!!!!

2011-02-27T18:46:00.001-08:00

You want to know a secret? I am grinning right now. No, not because I can see that your nose has some boogs in it. (don't check).........(wash your hands) But because sometimes hangin with

your peeps is the best thing since sliced bread....(I don't know who invented that saying but I am willing to bet it didn't sit well for the town bread slicer union who up until that point were pretty well respected. See before there were rocket scientists and brain doctors there were the bread slicers. So often at town meetings or stonings you'd here 'well, sure he is a cobbler but that isn't exactly bread slicing'.) There is something about that face to face jovial times that can really seem to reset ones self and enable them to face another week with their head held high. That is the power of the people you surround yourself with. Cut off the jerks and takers and only keep the quality peeps. Why am I yammering on about this? Well for one, quit asking me questions about my blog....that I am typing and two, our pals Erin and Keith came by saturday and I had a treat to fit the occasion: PAPER CANDY!
You can tell from the picture that this product comes from Japan. It is called 'Katanuki'. Katanuki has been made since 1952 by only one maker. It is a game for festivals where you pick apart a piece of candy paper with a tiny needle in hopes to reveal a whole image of something. See the sheet below-
I chose that sheet at random but it also unluckily was the katanuki that I ended up with. Some of us were far better at this task than others. By that I mean everyone but me was able to extract a whole shape. You can see Erin's below-
Yup that is a star. It should also be noted that Erin would also receive the fastest at katanuki as well. Keith was a close second with the heart and Sarah had the most difficult (that survived) with the squid. (although the squid looks a tad bit penisy...like a penis with a bunny tail maybe...hmm) You can see all three below-
And next you can see what happened to the dolphin-
Wow, I mean what happened? I couldn't have done worse blind folded and with 40s taped to my hands. (perhaps I will try that next weekend...) So the point of the candy is to be fun and to celebrate and I think it succeeded. Taste wise not so much. It tasted mostly like flour and a touch of sugar. So this is one treat that is best with friends and not really eaten. In fact if you wanted you could use the debris to spell a message to your friends. Like Keith did in the picture below.
Now go get a tissue. Seriously.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Ireland??? huh.

2011-02-25T18:33:00.000-08:00

So there we were in NYC at Economy Candy running through the store tossing anything remotely odd into a basket when Sarah found this treat. Maynards wine gums. Here is why I think it is funny: wine gums sound an aweful lot like mom mouth. Not familiar with mom mouth? Well, mom mouth is when a mom often enjoys red wine and she gets the perma-wine-stain on her lips and teeth. You use it thusly, "This wine is good but it gave me mom mouth." So now you can also ask "Been drinking some shiraz but I think it gave me wine gums." Not as cool but it is also not offensive to wine chuggin' moms. (Not that wine chuggin' moms are reading blogs and doing sparkling rose spit takes at the idea of mom mouth. ..maybe but they will forget after the fourth glass.)Wine gums come from Ireland. I know, weird. I was unaware Ireland had any candy at all. When I think of Ireland I think of depressing landscapes, booze, few teeth, and sheep. All of those things might not have any relevance since my idea of Ireland was solidified completely from films. Anyway I had these gummy tid bits during my lunch break today and they were quite enjoyable. They are round, naturally colored, and have the appearance of say Ju Ju b's. There are four different colors/flavors but other than the weird purple one, they all taste pretty similar. I know that normally if it isn't sour than I don't want it but these were good. Not unlike an upscale fruit snack. I ate them in record time so good job Ireland. Now go look in the mirror because you just might have mom mouth.

.fOOrD BLOrG. This put the what in the why.

2011-02-24T17:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes an idea can be good. Sometimes an idea can be bad. Sometimes an idea can get you incarcerated. It is my earnest feeling that those responsible for this 'idea' be promptly incarcerated with all of the 'fruits' of their labor. I give you the partial review (why partial? I will get to that after the pic. geesh.) of this-So in the rare chance that you haven't heard of Durian I will break it down for you. Durian is a cranium sized fruit covered in spines that once cracked open has a fruit with the consistency of yogurt. Sound good? Well it has a scent.....and the scent has been described as quite unfavorable in everything I have read or seen on t.v. So my awesome wife and I were in Fubon on 82nd here in PDX and she found this gem. Now they sell the fruit there but for some reason we liked the weird essence idea. See, the point of this blog isn't to eat weird sh*t for the sake of eating weird sh*t. There are enough of those and t.v. shows doing the same thing. But regardless we bought this and when Dave came by we opened it. To be honest, Dave opened it and took a deep breath. Which he quickly regretted as the essence crawled up in his nose and layed stink eggs in his brain. This business is so rank that just breaking the seal released an invisible cloud of dank doom. I know what you are thinking 'cut to the chase, what does it smell like?'

Well, put on your imagination caps because here is how I would describe it. If an onion ate a rancid egg salad sandwich that in turn gave it horrible gas which it released into a gym sock freshly worn by a sweaty teenager and then someone put that sock over your head all while you are at the country fair working an armpit hair dreading booth. Yeah, it is that bad. Go ahead and reread that last sentence and then try to ask me 'why didn't you cook with it?' There is no possible way I could make my house smell like that. I doubt it would ever leave. But who doesn't want muffins that smell like the back seat of a cab after fleet week? You couldn't even cleanse the house with sage and holy water. I am telling you the devil is here in fruit form and his sur name is DURIAN. I asked Dave for a comment on the aroma but he is most likely in the theatre watching Big Mommas House 3 and has his phone off. Sarah added that it also has a burnt hair smell to it as well. So that ought to really sell it to you. mmmmmmmmm.

In closing, I still have this essence in case you'd like to try it. If you do, you have problems. Sorry to be the blog that had to break it to you. It is ...Hold on, Dave must have just got out of BMH3 (as he calls it) and he says it smelled like 'a wet dog crawled up his nose and farted until it died.) Excellent. Lastly I ask you to look at how much you are to use of this evil elixer in your food. Till next time.
Oh and screw you Thailand. I don't fart in jars and mail them to you. (yet)

.FOOrD BLOrG. Beerzie Giftzie!

2011-02-23T19:45:00.000-08:00

My manrageous bro in law brought me this beer this presidents day. What a nice surprise. Who doesn't want to drink something named after a place where men go and handle things and not wash their hands. Seriously, as a male who once in awhile has to urinate, I know that if you have ever touched a door knob in a mens room you have touched at least 1000 penises. Fact checked. Now, I didn't wait and see a thousand men not wash their hands but think on average hom many people use a public restroom in a day. Now think about who cleans that restroom and how thorough those standards are kept in check. You want to know what the real kicker here is? The more sports loving, sexist, queer hating, junk scratching, manly men wash their hands the least meaning they have literally touched millions of each others man bits. If they thought about it then they'd have to kick their own buttocks. (*just cuz I called my bro in law manrageous doesn't mean he doesn't wash his hands. I bet he is such a gentleman he washes his hands as well a others hands for them.)

Oh yea, the beer: it is a red ale. I like red ales. I have had about 20 types and this is in the top 5.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Gummies Yummies!...from Mexico?

2011-02-23T19:30:00.000-08:00

I know you know how I feel about Mexico and their snackies. Particularly their candy. (For shame!) However (wha? I didn't see this coming?!?!?!) this candy is different......But before you put on your poncho and skeedadle to your local mexican grocer (skee-dadle? is that even a word...it certainly isn't spanish) remember that I kinda have a soft spot for sour candy and chalky candy like Sweetarts. So we aren't about to discuss a gourmet treat here....just some mexican candy. (why did that sound mean?) BEHOLD!You can't quite tell in the photo but they are gumdrops with those crappy ball berring (I know I mispelled that, I ain't a machinist!) candies stuck to the outside. First lets discus what this candy is not: chili flavored. Thank god, (they really like him there....or at least Mary) Mexico made a candy that isn't going to taste like it has sweat on it. (I hope) So it was with that hope that I pushed the first treat right into my sugar shack....er....my mouth. Lets just go with mouth.

Not bad. If you have ever had a sub par gummy candy with a touch of tartness than you can imagine this. Just glue crappy cake decorations to it and there you go. Now, I get that the cake decorations are there to make them look like fresh berries because there are SO many fresh blackberries and strawberries all over mexico. Right? Anyway, I didn't mind this snack but that being said I have eaten sour Mike and Ikes and those downright suck. I finished all of the Moritas during my lunch break at work. It is the first candy from Mexico that I have even eaten three pieces of. So tip of the sour sombrero to you for a 49 cent palatable treat to interupt an average work day. Au revoir!

.FOOrD BLOrG. Beerziez! From other lands.....hmmm.

2011-02-15T18:09:00.001-08:00

Anyone who knows me, like really knows me, knows that I enjoy a beer from time to time. Sometimes that enjoyment sends me into a search for new or well, just different types of said beverage. Which is an odd thing because it is like saying 'oh, I like beer but would really like to not know how it will taste.' Which really is weird. You know what it is like? Its like pooping with your arms over your head. Partly familiar and partly really confusing. You don't know what I am talking about? Try it once. Everything from the nipples down is business as usual and then your brain is like 'really? arms in the air? are we celebrating? Confusing. But don't try it too many times or everytime you are on a rollercoaster you will boom boom in your britches. (which you may or may not do anyway...) also if you are at a football game and the wave comes around....not cool. What were we talking about? Oh yea, beers.....from Russia. (not with love)Clearly the first beer I purchased here is because it is named for a downed horse in the first Kentucky Derby. (that isn't true)....(but it could be) Truth be told these three beers were found at a Russian grocery store in far out SE PDX. This beer was SKUNKY. Ick. I really don't like skunky beers. I don't smoke weed and don't want beverages that taste like how weed smells. Who are these people who do? If you do then please let me know. I don't get it. Next!
Ok so, Golden Pheasant....nice name. This sounds classy and could be better. Right? Nope, at this point I think there is a good reason Russia isn't known for its beer. In fact the top three exports are 1. oil. 2. aluminum. 3. steel products. Are you bored yet? Because boredom is number 4. (also not true) Beer is nowhere near the top of the list. This beer was forgettable but almost ok. Almost. This is the only one of all three that I finished. That is more we can say for Zartucky Gus in the derby. (he was shot).......(remember, not really)
Here we are with the last one. Look at the label. It looks like a hobo beer. 8%...um, that is pretty close to hobo beer. For all I know, in Russia, this is hobo beer. (but in russia hobo beer drinks you!- Yakov Smirnoff)...(not really) This demon beer was revolting. I drank a quarter of it and it went from cold kinda like Steel Reserve to that with a weird cream flavor. Sick. Disgusting. Revolting. I should no better. I should and to be honest, I kinda did but for the sake of having a Russian trinity of brews I bought it. Look here is the brass tax here. Russia makes beer like mexico makes candy- like they don't know it goes in your mouth where your tastebuds are. That simply has to be it. TAA-DAA!!!! (you are welcome)....(that is true).

.FOOrD BLOrG. eating babies!!!

2011-02-12T16:37:00.000-08:00

Sometimes snacks involve a tidbit of gimmick. Sometimes that is pretty much all they are. Sadly this is one of those cases. BOY CANDY!So here is the deal. The whole deal. This candy comes from Japan and it is called Boy Candy. Why you might ask? No it isn't flavored like boy. No it isn't made of boy. It simply is a candy with a boys face on it. Thats pretty much all there is to this snack. It tastes like any hard candy. Hard candy with no flavor. As usual I was excited to get this treat but I figured it would at least be sweet but it really has nothing going for it...except for having a face. Have a look-

.FOOrD BLOrG. tiny tiny tiny eatz....

2011-02-09T19:14:00.001-08:00

Bonjour.....I don't know why I started this off with french as there is nothing french about todays treat but I suppose since I don't speak Japanese it will have to do. Yup, today's little goodie is from Japan. Although we came across it on our recent trip to NYC. Oh man, did we find a treasure trove of delights (or disgust) there! So make sure all three of you stay tuned for that as I try to be more active on here. We were both super ill for awhile and then were in NY for a week so I apologize for the slow updates. And now, KAOL!Alright, so the appeal of these mints is that they come in a tiny charming perfume bottle and they look exactly like those silver cake decorations that you secretly liked to eat as a child. Yea, so the second that I saw them I had to have them. Sure 12 dollars for tiny mints (that might taste entirely too gross to ever finish) might not reek of wisdom it had to be done. So here we go:

1. upon opening the bottle I noticed no real scent. Which to be honest I was at ease with since I have had rose pastiles and they smell like the doom your mouth will taste.

2. the initial taste is subtle like the first layer is wax almost which slowly gives way into a slight mint.... and then it goes a tad musky. like grandma's closet kind of musky. (I realize my last post also included an elderly reference but moth balls and oak and red door make you think of what?)

3. This really is one of the most mysterious mints I have ever had. It evolves and retreats in waves of wood, mint in the most organic sense, and parafin. Yeah, like an incense or better yet a candle in your mouth...minus the fire.

In the end, it comes down to a promise. I have no idea what that promise is but I guess it is mint. It delivered that. Since it comes in a perfume bottle I am going to say it delivered that as well. Kudos Japan, I am at a loss for words on this crazy non-sweet sweet. I should note that I ate two about 20 min. ago and my mouth is very well perfumed still...like I want to hang a tiny hoodie in there so I can wear it tomorrow and smell like minty pine. If I could fit into a tiny hoodie. Just saying.....

.FOOrD BLOrG. Drink it...or don't.

2011-02-04T16:32:00.001-08:00

Have you ever thought this '' I'd like to have the option of having the taste in my mouth as if I had licked an old ladies wig EVEN if there isn't a willing old lady around.'' Me neither. But if you know someone who is into that kind of thing, well, here you go-First of all, let me say that this drink is hard to swallow.....and smell. It is disgusting. It actually tastes like if you asked an old bald lady to jog around her walker and then lifted her wig and licked her sweaty forehead. I really wish I could sell this better but I can't fathom who this drink is for. Sarah bought this in NYC on our recent trip and all I can say is that I hope the thousand other items we bought taste one billion times better than this sickening concoction. I will keep this post short and revolting...like anyone from Jersey.