.fOOrD BLOrG. Something tastes like grandma...

"Life is like a box of chocolates unless you are old and then it is a bowl of butterscotches."

An old person

Getting old is strange. It seems like your mind stops at a certain age and stays there. Remaining youthful and fun while your body ages and your hair turns grey. (That is not the case for all. Some people can't wait to be old fuddy duddies.) Age is bizarre much like the spelling of the word bizarre. All I know is that there are other males in the world who are 30 somethings and they don't laugh every time a chair makes a fart sound. I am not one of them. If you say "we should go get something to eat but.." I am going to say "I don't want to go anywhere that is going to make me eat butt." That is just the way it is. I have a hairstyle that looks like when a kid styles their hair in the bath. I eat more sweetarts than the average 8 year old and I draw cartoon pictures in my spare time. Adults can do what they want as long as they behave like adults. That is lame. I say do what you want, you've earned it.

These snacks today are not designed for me. They target an older demographic. A sophisticated demographic. Not a pale guy distracted from his candy blog by an episode of Spongebob Squarepants who thinks showering two days in a row deserves him a prize. Lets get to it.

(Not the shower.)

This is from Fubon and Sarah found it. The fact that it says Herbal candy is what caught our eyes. Awhile ago I had some black tea bon bons that were pretty interesting. Lets see how they fared:

S-It smells like a cough drop. First it tastes like tangerine and then it tastes like a cough drop and it makes me feel like I am sick. I'd eat it though if I was sick.

d-Yup. Cough drop. Medicinal. I don't like it. It sort of tastes like a tangerine but it is so syrupy.

It really was not herbal at all. Quite disappointing. I do like the tin and the individual wrapping. I give this snack a 2-if i ain't going outside, I ain't wearing pants-out of five.
This next snack was given to me as part of a bday prezzie from my folks. I think you can get these at Cost Plus but I am mot sure.
S- Tastes like a Bit-o-Honey but with ginger. I don't like it but I will eat it. I feel like it aids in digestion. I feel like if I eat these I would poop my pants. Why does the ginger man have a scabby acne face?

d-Ugh. It tastes like a Sugar Baby with ginger. I would not eat it again. I really hope nobody poops their pants.

He does look pretty jacked up on the box. Again I like the individual wrapping. (screw you earth) I give this snack a 2-ate a jar of salsa for lunch-out of five.
Lastly we have this Chowards gum. (I know, I just am not a chowards fan but I have passed the Chowards treats around to friends and coworkers who have thought quite highly of them.) I think this was from my parents as well. I think.
S-I like it. I think it is good. I'd chew it after eating, smoking, or drinking. The flavor goes away after about a minute.

d-Soap. It tastes like soap....and then cinnamon.....and then soap again. I don't like it. It tastes like a sachet.

What is a sachet?

It is an old lady perfume style. Imagine if you will a small bag that was scented and is kept in a bedroom. You know what? Just google it.

This was not my favorite gum. It really tastes like soap. Like my parents heard me say 'poop boogers' and made me wash my mouth out with soap...soap that I could chew. Ugh. No thank you. I give this a 1-who says a six pack is not a single serving size-out of five.

Thanks to Sarah for being my tester.

.fOOrD BLOrG. Small things may surprise you.

All my life I have been of small stature. This never bothered me. I never had a Napoleon complex or was one of those angry little men. This point of view is all I know since I wasn't small and grew tall or was tall and was shrank on accident by a device built by Rick Moranis. (Yet...) An interesting thing about size though is it can be deceiving. Something smaller can surprise you. For instance, Sarah and I were on a walk once-up some sketchy steps-thru a weird woods area and suddenly a squirrel blocked our path and refused to move. It was a stand off. You would think something smaller (although it had a big cranium) facing two people much larger would scurry away. (I would, I love to scurry.) But it stood its ground in a menacing way. Now we had traveled quite far up these steps but we were pondering going back down since we were faced with this curious situation. There is something off putting about a small fearless creature where you think "if it isn't scarred it MUST have a reason. A secret." Luckily it needed to be menacing elsewhere and it leaped up a tree and vanished into the foliage. Even though we couldn't see it, we knew it was there. Watching us like the predator watches Arnold Schwarzenegger only in squirrel vision not in heat vision.

So today we will discuss some small treats that accomplish big feats. Sort of, see I kind of liked the rhyme there....they really are just treats, you know?...Some with good surprises and some with maybe not so good surprises.
Oh snap, is that a gummy from Japan? HELLS YEAH IT IS!!! You already know how I feel about this treat don't you? Well you should. Japanese gummies are epically awesome! But how are these?

Pretty darn good. The texture is not too chewy and not too soft. The exterior is coated in a tangy sugar but not too much and not over powered in citric acid as the picture might imply or one might conclude from the lemon part of the description. What first resonates on your palate is lemon but it isn't super intense and after a few chews you get the cola flavor. A pretty rad ride through flavor country if you ask me. It delivers on its promise.

The downside is that they come all the way from Japan. You cannot find them in the states and they are about 2 dollars. Now that isn't a ton of money unless you have to pay 18 dollars shipping and there are only about 12 gummies in the bag. Overall I give this snack a 4.5-I always have leg room in cars and on planes out of 5.
WHAT???? Another Japanese gummy???? APPLE GINGER ALE? Is it my birthday????? (Answer to the last question: No, but it is soon. So go return some bottles and buy me a present. I know this is a recession so don't feel obligated to buy me a champagne jacuzzi or a diamond encrusted speedo. Hmm, I don't like the word "crusted" next to the word "speedo".)

Ok, so you know this is good.... but how good? How about THE BEST!!! Yes, this is the best gummy I have ever eaten. For my palate. I like earthy flavors, herby flavors, metallic cocktails, and things more sour than sweet. Now this isn't sour. But what it is-is unbelievable. Here is a closer look.
Awe, it is so cute and tiny. BUT the flavor within is enormous. First you get the apple. Almost like a light perfume of fresh apple just dances across your tastebuds. Then you get a hint of ginger ale which grows and deepens on your tongue as if the ginger is really growing in your mouth. Real ginger flavor. Not powdered ginger or candied ginger. This is like a real deal ginger soda. It is the best marriage of fruit and ginger on the planet. THIS IS WORTH 20 DOLLARS! Luckily if you buy it for 2 and a bunch of other stuff then the shipping kinda evens out. I give this snack a 10-I fit inside most boxes-out of five.
Chowards? Who let you back in here? Didn't we already discuss two of your friends? Yes we did. And they weren't the best discussions if I recall. Ok well, lets open you up and see what's happening.
Oh, well that is pretty cute. Sarah bought these for me which is super nice. Violet huh? Well, I will just put this candy in my mouth and....oh. Oh no. ugh. I....made....a......mistake! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It is horrid!!!! Blech!!!!

It tastes like my mouth is the air filter at an octogenarian tea party!!! (For those who don't know, an octogenarian is someone between the age of 80 and 85.) It is stale and perfumee in the worst of ways. (I know perfumee is not a word.) Remember when I described something as " licking a sweaty wig"? This has some of that too. Not good. Very much so not good! This is like somebody gave you an organic soap and you wash your face with it and it gets in your mouth. Snacks shouldn't have the flavor experience of accidentally consumed household items. I give this snack a 1-why do I have to buy jeans sized for a husky 12 year old-out of five.

Oh come on! From Chowards to a candy from Mexico??? What, did my mouth lose a bet? Can I go back to the Japanese gummies please? Gosh darn it! There I said it. Now my good pal and bro in law Dave bought these for me. What a kind guy....or an evil mofo. These hard candies are called Chili Rokas. I think he got these in Seattle when he was touring doing cage fights. I am pretty sure I am recalling that correctly. (He doesn't fight cage fights...that is rule number one but if this doesn't go well I might enter him in one.) Lets take a closer look-
Huh, individually wrapped hard candies in four different flavors. That is different. 65 individually wrapped fruit flavored candies called chili rokas. That is allot of chili rokas. To be honest I would rather have 65 apple ginger ale gummies but lets just see how this goes.

I chose to sample the Pineapple flavor. Upon unwrapping the candy I first noticed that it had a beautiful yellow sheen to it. Not the usual chili dusted sweat candies I have been accustomed to from Mexico. Feeling ok at this point I put the round yellow candy in my mouth and was surprised to find no salty taste just a rather pleasant pineapple candy flavor. No not a fresh pineapple candy flavor but a candy pineapple flavor. Like one would expect to taste if they hadn't been burned by crappy mexican candy before.

Here is the problem with me and hard candy, after about a minute I just want to chew it up and move on. I don't have time to sit around slowly eroding a butterscotch with my tongue. What do you think I am an octogenarian? So after a minute I bit down on my pineapple friend who was bridging the ill blood I have with mexican sweets when I was instantly bamboozeled. Or maybe I was hornswogled. Well, either way it was massively unpleasant! In the center of this hard candy there is a lurking evil made up off chili powder and salt. Yeah, it is like your tongue got punked and then your whole mouth and then your whole day. Sure, maybe they designed it to slowly leak out like the fun fizzy center of Zotz. Only this is not Zotz nor is it fun. It hits you like somebody dumps chili powder in your mouth and sprays sweat into your mouth from a super soaker. (Now why that person would do that let alone have the time to fill a super soaker with sweat is beyond me but if you are hanging out with that person, you have made some questionable decisions.) Long gone was the fruity pineapple candy friend I had just met. They had died a terrible death and their guts were rotten and clinging to every inch of my mouth. I spit with all my might!!! I do believe my salivary glands were dry heaving in an attempt to cleanse the soiled wasteland that had become my mouth. Alas there was to be no comfort found. No knight in apple ginger ale gummy armor would ride in and rescue the now destitute and downtrodden king that was once my tongue. His kingdom had fallen. Pestulance had taken hold and poisoned his domain until all life had withered and taken leave.

It was a dark time, indeed. But as often what happens in the most dire of times there was to be a hero. For there was one, last, beacon of hope. Who was present to rise up against the dastardly chili rokka. Who was it??? You will have to read about it-NEXT TIME!!!!!!

~cliff hanger~oooooooh ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Oh, and I give this snack a 1- thirty something man who needs a stool to reach most things in the kitchen-out of 5.

.FOOrD BLOrG. . . Blatant Lies or awkward interpretations

Sometimes in the real world people can twist the meanings of things in order to make them fit their agenda. Now I won't get into specifics (don't want to offend) except one: People who look at dinosaur bones and think 'That never happened." There are people like that right? They look right at the thing in front of their face and then disagree with its very existence. Pretty deep for me I know but I mention those people because I just had that moment with the first snack. Please examine the candy below. (By the way, all three of todays treats were found in New York.)
See there, on the end! It says mints. Right? I see it, 15 Mints. Huh? Because when I opened the packaging I saw flat square Pez type candy. Ok. Then I put one in my mouth. The mouth feel was quite similar to that of a Pez. The flavor was that of a weak lemon. And so began my waiting game. I waited. And I waited. Then came the moment when I decided to chew it and see if the mint in question was lying in wait in the center. Nope No mint. HUHWHA? So I looked back at the lable. M-i (so far so good) n-t (ok that spells mint in the singular form) s. Yup, it says multiple mints. How is this possible? Do I not believe enough that there is in fact mint present? I shall try again. Yet there was no mint for me. Just gritty pressed candy disappointment. (or disappoint-MINT, see what I did there?) I took pause at this. Can someone really lie to you promising that something is there that isn't? Quite a quandary. Quite a quandary indeed. Shame on you C Howard.
Well they can't be all winners. Lets move on to the next-Oh crap it is another C Howards candy!

Wait a second, this candy looks very similar to the other only look at the lable!
No allusive mint mentioned? Now it is candy? Tropical candy? One can only assume that this is a different line of the same kind of candy from the same NY based company. So I opened the wrapper and it looked the same as the previous candy. I have to say that this flavor they captured much better than the lemon. That being said, it still isn't a great candy. Honestly I don't know who this is targeted for. People who grew up with Pez but dont want to rip the candy throat out of a pocket sized buggs bunny? Or which ever you had. The funny thing about Pez was that some people kept the hollow carcasses after they had reaped all they could while other tossed those right in the trash. I just imagine the Pez dispenser on the shelf at the candy store wondering what life will be like on the outside and if there is a shelf space for their afterlife or if it will just be landfill time for an eternity. DINOSAURS! What? Let us keep moving shall we?
Oh man, here we go. Italy. I don't recall having had a snack from Italy yet on the FOOrD BLOrG. This treat we found in NYC at the awesome Italian Market EATILY. Which if you go to NYC you have to go to this market it is pretty interesting to say the least. Now being that this is from Italy and Absinth flavored I am expecting the real deal. I have had pastilles before and Absinth as well. (The first time was when I was 21 djing an SnM party in Eugene Or but that story is for another day.) I will tell you upfront (incase you forgot) I don't like black licorice. That makes up a large part of the Absinth flavor. In this case that was the best part. Bummer.

This treat had 2 flavors. Anise and bitterness. Heavy on the bitterness. This thing was so bitter I didn't enjoy it as much as endure it. Afterwords I crammed a guava candy in my mouth just to erase the bitterness. This thing was not pleasant but I will say they were honest at what the experience was. It tasted like Absinth. Really bitter absinth. Now if you will excuse me I have some soul searching to do. (and by that I mean I need to bury these candies in an unmarked grave.)
WHOA THE WORMWOOD!!!! I can see dancing minty dinosaurs everywhere!!!!!