.FooRd BloRg. Chews life. Choose candy.

There is true beauty in seeing a child eat a piece of candy for the first time. That moment of discovery. "What is this? This nectar of the gods that has befallen me." That moment of clarity. "This is what adults must be doing all the time that us kids aren't allowed to do. This is what all of the patience and hard work boils down to. This single ultimate goal. This is what they lock in cabinets. What they hide from us. This is what they do while we are asleep. This is what they wrestle for in their bed that one time I walked in."

For some of us, that first gummy bear or crappy generic jelly bean was merely the gateway candy. We don't even look back to it or even remember its name. It was just the moment that we knew that wasn't it. There were bigger and stronger goodies out there and we would eat any mushy pea and "clean" our room to get at those candies. If you wanted us to bark like a duck and log roll in dirt we'd do it. (We knew ducks didn't bark. We didn't care. Dignity is something you learn far after you commit to how far you'll go to get a Blow Pop.)

Addicts? Hardly. We can quit. We could quit. From time to time some of us do. We embark on juice cleanses, diets where you count points, lent, and temporary veganism? But we come back. Like a return to a celestial sweetness that shrouds us and beats back the dark forces at work in the world. Impending all encompassing governmental control? Oh I am sorry. I didn't hear you. I was looking at my Sweetarts roll because I just got two grape in a row and that is like winning the freaking lottery. 

Oh, you are going to judge us? OK. Fine. You are better. You are all grown up. You have your fish oil pills and flax seed. You win! I say "Nay!" (I don't now why...) Look inward good sir. Deep inside you there is a child drowning in fat free grossness. Throw him a red vine and help him out! Don't drop him a Lifesaver. That is a pretend candy and everyone knows it. Give them something fun. Watch them smile and relish that treasure. That is how candy should be enjoyed. Not some psuedo candy barely flavored that is stashed in your desk like it is something shameful. 

Today we stand up. Today we unite. Today we devour.

(Coincidentally, today we will be looking at three chewy candies. The 1-5 scale shall be in honor of childhood memories.)

First up we have Milkita. Milkita is a melon flavored milk taffy. (Ugh.) This snack comes from Japan but found its way into my candy bowl by our talented photographer friend Nate. He saw this in a market and figured it deserved a home on this blog. I have said it before to the homeless and I will say it again "My friends are awesome." (Before you get all "that was a mean thing to say to a homeless man" he was one of those uppity self righteous homeless people. Man, I hope he reads this when he checks his email at the library.)

Let's just take a look at the bag here. We have a cow who isn't wearing pants. That wouldn't be weird but the cow is wearing a shirt. So.......Alright, the cow is playing soccer. There is also a melon who is doing jumping jacks in the nude. Can we just agree that this all seems questionable. There is also milk just erupting throughout the back ground. Just a milk magma spew ejecting from an invisible fault line. Next to the jumping baby melon is a huge chunk of one of its parents and the cow's shirt has a number 7 on it. That is some real crazy business. (I apologize for the quality of the pictures.) There is also a sentence on the bottom of the window that reads "Try and taste the difference of all our other flavors."
Not the most confident invitation. (I could see this tagline working for Tacobell. Because it is all the same.) Seriously. Try? Alright. The back also says "Candy is slippery and can cause choking." That sentence is under allergy information. Allergy? I guess "some people" are allergic to "slippery". "Yes, I can't have anything with tree nuts, gluten, or slippery. Oh this has slippery? Damn. Thanks for the warning."

So I am guessing that the cow beat the melon at soccer as the cow is now assuming some sort of disco victory stance and has removed it's shirt as if to say "I am not number seven anymore! I am number one!" Can we just agree that fleshy hoofs are pretty gross. (You hear that, dudes in flip flops?) There is also a weird vortex coming out of the cows posterior. Is this another warning? I am not sure.

Taste wise: I have previously covered a melon milk drink that I froze into a delectable summer treat. This candy is pretty comparable to that. Minus drinkability and carbonation and plus slippery. When you first bite into it the candy yields slightly to the force of your teeth. You get a bit of melon flavor at this point and then comes a milk essence. Now, I don't drink milk. I think it is creepy. However I could see how people might really enjoy this. It isn't very sweet. I bet if you like creamy things and or melon than this would be right up your alley. It would be a great gift for your soccer team mates and a subtle way to let them know that you indecently expose yourself every time your team scores a goal. "I tried to tell you. Remember the cow with the melons? I am the melon cow." Speaking of that. Why doesn't this cow have an udder?

I give this snack a 3- I remember as a kid that bark chips on the playground often turned into lava but the back chips poured over puke in the hall never did. It was important though to not step in either.-out of 5.

Next we have a new product from the Bazooka candy brand. I found this at a local market. It was sitting on the counter by the cash register. Impulse buy style. I said "I do." and it came home with me. This also has some strange things going on with the wrapper. First of all, it clearly is taffy that you take a pen like tube and squirt sour goo on it and then eat it. That is a lot of work for a candy. I feel like they couldn't get the snack to work so they were like just let the kids do it and they will think it is fun. I don't. Wrap that taffy around that goo and lets go! Make me work for it? Shame on you.

Oh and the flavor is "Knock out punch." A candy where you draw with goo on taffy doesn't strike me as the demographic that would enjoy violence but ok. Sure Bazooka. Lets bring violence into the equation.

Not for children under three? Really? I could have told you that. Nobody under three is writing anything of consequence and certainly nothing on taffy. They are still wearing diapers. They aren't book keeping or writing checks. (I am not a parent but I feel like all of my personifications and developmental judgements are spot on today.)

Dare to drop? Isn't that the whole appeal of this half cocked idea? It isn't really a dare if that is literally part of enjoying the process. "Look kid. This taffy isn't great. The flavor is like a really seriously cheap Airheads that got super stale. The only thing that may improve your candy situation here is this sour slime. Dare to drop." That is hardly a dare. It is only up hill from the cruddy candy. POUR THAT STUFF ON IT! Also next time kid, don't buy impulse candy when you are buying a 6 pack of tall boys. You know it won't end well.

It is nice that they are all individually wrapped and that there is a cap on the goo pen. You don't want your goo pen dripping everywhere. The weird thing about the goo pen is the cap has a piece sticking down the side. Like a regular pen cap. Like a kid is going to put it in their shirt pocket. Like a real pen. "See each piece is wrapped so he can put them in his pocket and when wants a snack he just unwraps one and squirts his goo on it and goes." Good planning. But if that kid is like me. One candy is one serving. Not one piece. One candy. The item as a whole. All that wrapping is going in the trash after one sitting. What a waste.

How does it taste? Pretty much as I have already explained. The taffy is waxy and neutral. It has a touch of punch flavor as it becomes grainy in your mouth. Man what a fun candy. Then the semi sour slime mixes with the sandy super sugary breakdown of the taffy and it ends with your teeth wanting to be in a different mouth and your tongue regretting being yours. It tastes cheap and poorly conceived. (Like any song by lmfao) This seems like a clear case of bad design meets novelty meets buyers remorse. Could this have been fun? Yes. Make the taffy into little checks and then the kid signs the check with the pen and the tagline is "Don't write checks that your mouth can't cash." Right? Give those little bankers what they want.

I give this taffy a 1-I remember few of my teachers names from elementary school but I will never forget the name of the boy who pooped his pants on the bus. Keep your head up Stevie Shannon. Wherever you are.-out of 5. (I bet he doesn't drive school busses)

This is Ninja gummy. This candy hails from Japan and comes in a variety of flavors. Wonderful flavors like grape... I love grape candies from Japan. Sure there are other flavors but why list them because grape is the best. What you say? This doesn't look like grape? That is because it isn't. Yeah. I decided to get Ume. Now if you don't know what Ume is than l shall educate you.  Ume is a fruit that americans refer to as a plum but it is more closely related to an apricot.  Yeah, it is like a hybrid of two grandma flavors. Neither is as much fun as grape. You often hear kids wanting grape juice. You don't often hear kids wanting apricot juice. If you do hear a kid say that just know that its parents are jerks. Jerks who probably aren't fun and their house smells of stale air, boredom,  and cottage cheese. Sneak that kid a Rollo and blow their mind.

Now there is something else I have to tell you about this snack. It isn't just "plum/apricot" it is salt cured plum/apricot.

Listen carefully. All other warnings you have ever received pale in comparison to what I am about to tell you. Everything your parents warned you about is bullsh*t. Those things won't kill you. Heck I bet those things are fun and make for good stories when used in moderation. Now turn off your tv. Silence your cell phone. Tell whomever is around you to shut their pie hole.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

This gummy is THE worst thing I have tried. Yes. It steals the crown from the vomit inducing Bacon Tabs. (Even though the thought of B.T.s still makes me get the vomit salivations.) These things are so evil.

When you heard as a child that bad things happen in parks at night-this is what those bad things are.

When you hear about bad things happening in a prison shower-this is what they were referring to.

When you heard Texas Chainsaw Massacre was based on a true story-THIS IS THAT STORY.

Here is the breakdown of possibly the worst candy experience on the planet:

Upon opening the pouch you get a whiff of what it would be like if fruit leather could poop on actual leather which also happened to be on fire. It is musky. Like if you put a fruity lotion on the uppermost inner thighs of an elephant. Jogged it around for an hour and then smelled it. Not for the faint of heart.

(Before we get too deep into this unsettling moment I'd like to ask you a question. Did you ever try the Miller light with salted lime? No? Well it tasted like someone sweat in your bud light with lime. It was disgusting. Ok, carry on.)

The first thing you taste is a slight tang which gave me a false sense of security. I hoped now that it would be just intense and fruity. WRONG. Then it is like all of the air in your mouth is sucked out and a dark shroud of baneful beastly evil envelopes your tongue. Then comes the whatever fruit flavor which is quickly covered by a disgusting wave of salt. There are evil layers of sickness trapped in your mouth and as you chew "fruitlessly" to get it down it keeps changing and becoming saltier and more shoe closety (not a word) in your mouth. My eyes began to water and my throat casts its vote not to be involved in anymore salted plum saliva. So around ten chews or so I expelled it into the trash and attempted to undo the damage it rout in my mouth. Which left me with no fruit flavor. Just a sense of aged decay, sickening salt, and sadness.

My mouth, once a playground for candy, was now nothing more than a bottomless wasteland of sadness and deep regret. The clarity I once had gained has now been marred. I would like to say that I will bounce back from this but this is like when a kid's first pet dies. I know now that death exists. It is my mouth. My mouth becometh death. Thanks to you Ume. You and your ninjas in business suits and reading glasses. (Look at the package again.)

I give this snack a 0- I remember swimming once and I was about to jump in the pool when a bee stung my back. I turned just in time to see it ripping its stinger end off and its bee intestines spilling out on my back. I 'd rather relive that moment every hour than eat this ume gummy again.-out of 5.


*Thank you to Nate for his submission. Thank you for reading. Now I need to go burn some sage on my mouth. My taste buds have informed me that we aren't "buds" anymore. Here's to building bridges!



p.s. I bought the salted plum gummy in a three pack. FML

.FOOrD BLOOrG.

Well, either to your delight or dismay the holiday season is upon us. For me, it is to much delight. I like to spend my time doing nice things for people I care about. It makes me feel good to do whatever that is. It could be something as simple as making a mix for someone or drawing something that I hope they get a smile or a chortle out of. (Yea, I look forward to chortles.) So a season pretty much about showing someone that you thought about them is pretty dope to me. Sure people say it is about different faiths, Coca-Cola, consumerism, greed or any other thing. To me it is simply an ok to do something nice without people getting weird about it. So if you believe it is a time for those other things than we shall just agree to disagree. (Fine by me because I have been drawing pictures of you with ginormous shoulders. I give them to my friends and they chortle about your freakish shoulders.) Well, enough jibber jabber lets us feast upon snacks!!!

Todays rating scale is brought to you by: not the best ways to say you care.

Ok so Sarah and I found this at Fubon. I am not familiar with mangosteen. It looks like something from a b-movie that would open and a ghoulie or paper mache alien would crawl out. It was like 1.99 or so for a bag (like 30 pieces) so I thought why not give it a try.

The candy is small and rectangular. Pretty darn cute if you ask me.  I opened it up and it looks like a taffy. I thought this was more of a hard candy deal but whatever. For a second I was thinking this was in the Durian family so I expected a fart smell. Luckily no fart smell. Instead it smelled like muscat or really perfumed grapes. The texture was quite hard at first and then it kinda became taffy like. By kinda, I mean it affixed itself to my teeth and was not going to go quietly into my gullet. This wasn't bad though since the flavor was much like the smell. Fruity and sweet. (not unlike myself) Quite fine with the exception of the possible dental damage. This could have been far worse had it gone down the fart road. (Dear lord, I do not pray often but if you could please make sure I never go down the fart road. Thanks.)

I give this treat a 4-you bought me a book about how to give good foot massages-out of 5.

Um. Ok so what is this? Lets check the back.

What the???

Huh. I honestly haven't had any Turkish candy to my knowledge. I looked up the word "peber" and it means pepper. So that sounds pretty good. I see the back of the bag has a heating scale so this could really be fun. Like a spicy cough drop. Do those exist? They should. Lets toss one in the ole hatch. (hmm)

Oh dear god no. Ick. ARGH......the humanity. It......is........black......licorice. BAHHHHHHH!!!! ugh.

(5 minutes and a cup of coffee later)

That went well.

So upon further inspection this product is black licorice flavored and has pepper in the center along with ammonium chloride. The latter ingredient is what makes black licorice taste salty and astringent. Ok, so here is the breakdown of my experience.

I put it into my mouth and it tasted buttery kind of. Then it began waves of black licorice flavor. I don't like black licorice. I REALLY don't like black licorice. So this product might be great for you but for me it couldn't be much worse unless it was served in a vinegar soaked used sock. As for the center, I didn't get there. Remember when that owl on the tootsie pop commercial was all like "how many licks..1,2,3" and then he bit it? My experience here was like that only it involved gagging and spitting into the trash instead of a tootsie center. (I was dressed like an owl that had somehow gotten a questionable college education somewhere. I mean, seriously it is  hard for people to get into programs and become professors and somehow this owl did? And yet he is stumped by a candy?..He is like "I can't wrap my educated owl brain around what is happening on this stick. Good thing I will have a chance to inspect it again when I vomit it back up since I have no anus..um,.what were we talking about?)

The thing about this snack and others like it (chili rokkas) is that while it isn't for me, I know that there are people who love it. Half the time I share my snacks after these posts my friends or coworkers love whatever it is I didn't like. But here, In the Mouth of Snackness, I rate these eaties. I give this snack a .5- Oh, a book of daily inspirational quotes. Thank you, I know right where I want to shove this...I mean "put" it.-out of 5.

Ok, WTF. (This is about the shoulders comment isn't it?) Creamy corn candy? Ugh. OK. I can't blame anyone else. I saw this when we got the mangosteen candy and the sheer grossness required me to buy it. Let me just say that I had a bad feeling buying it and a worse feeling putting it up to my mouth.

Oh man. It smelled like I remember that corn that people buy to go fishing. Have you smelled that? It is rank. Like hobo halitosis rank. Like if corn ate corn while drinking milk and then vomited corn into your hair dryer and then you dryed your hair with the corn puke dryer while you snorted a packet of splenda. (you know, like that.) I put this into my mouth and oh no. Bad. The first thing you taste is a sweetness quickly and I cannot stress that enough, followed by the creamy corn flavor. I could not get this out of my mouth fast enough. This is so disgusting it seems like a practical joke. Played on my mouth by someone who is about to be drawn with gargantuan shoulders. The thing is, I do this to myself. Poor weird me. At least I was smart enough to not bite the taffy for if it had adhered to my teeth I would have up chucked for sure. (You know, blow chunks, bark at ants, bring it up for a vote, urp, spill stomach soup, vorbal the chibbits....Ok I don't think that last one was real.)

I give this snack a 0-Oh you bought me a bike pump. Why does it say Penis on it?-out of 5.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this post and the holiday season. If you are one of those people who likes to humbug and go against the grain just to be miserable. I am sorry. I hope someday you choose to just be open to the kindness of people. Sometimes people need a designated time to think of others and it is ok to be thought about. At least look at it this way, being mad often and being a curmudgeon is hard on your heart and stressful. Let's face it, we all don't live forever. Try to enjoy your time here because when you are dead you are dead and all that is left is a coffin. A weird shaped coffin in order to fit your HUGE expansive ungodly shoulders.


And good will to everyone.

.FOOrD BLOrG. chews-your own adventure.

Remember choose your own adventure stories? The excitement of deciding if the hero was to enter the cave or be wary of the cave and choose the rope bridge instead by turning to page 137. This deciding moment also defined you by wether you would cheat and look ahead to see if the decision was fatal. Did you cheat? Tell the truth now. Well, I did. Hey, I was investing time into this valiant crusade and I'd be a monkeys uncle before I didn't finish that book and win. (I have no idea what that "monkeys uncle" means at all.)

The Frozen heart

You are Jameson, a paladin who has been questing in search of a mystical edible jewel that once consumed will save you from over healing forever and it will unfreeze the wizard's daughter with whom you are in love. You stand before a wood slab which displays the objects of your quest. Now if you choose to taste the first snack then please scroll down the page to the first snack. Otherwise please scroll down to the end of this post.Up first we have a Mango gummy. I know the picture is a tad deceptive. The gummy is actually about the size of a penny. Sarah and Dave returned from SF with these. THOSE TWO PEOPLE ARE AWESOME! (Hopefully, you aren't tired of me giving those two props because I plan to spend the rest of my days doing so.) The gummy is quite soft and spongy and has a pleasant fragrance of Mango. The flavor is subtle enough for you to crave another....and another. It is a good thing these come in a bag of fourty or so because I will eat them! I give this treat 4 enchanted swords out of five. If you agree that this is the edible jewel than proceed to the end of the post marked (mango). Otherwise read on.
This taffy was found by Sarah on her trip to Petaluma CA. I figured it was going to be pretty hard to find but then I found it in a nearby Dollar Tree. Yea. So I was a tid bit worried to try it. Lets face it, poor people are known for refined tastes the same way a balrog is known for it's good looks Am I right? The color of the taffy was laffy taffy pink and the smell was more subtle than laffy taffy strawberry. Definitely more sweet than sour. In fact not sour at all or tart. The flavor was creamy and the taffy was not too chewy. Kinda more like a strawberry shake than a strawberry but if that is your thing than go get one! I give the taffy 2.5 dwarves with bizmuth bronze axes out of five. If you agree that this is the edible jewel than proceed to the end of the post marked (Taffy). Otherwise read on.
These Fruit Pastiles were obtained for this judgement by Dave. They contain 25% fruit juice a but appear to have a sugar coating on them. The taste is like Chuckles. Do you remember those? They are a rather subdued and boring gummy candy that had a sugar coating on the outside to distract you from their utter lack of flavor. These aren't quite that bad but they aren't that special either. I would eat them if I had no other candy and wanted some sweets but otherwise I would pass on these. If you agree that this is the edible jewel than proceed to the end of the post marked (Pastile). Otherwise read on.
Here we have another caramel from Hokkaido. You might recall the red wine carmel from a previous post. Well this one is from Chinatown in SF instead of special ordered from Japan. The flavor is Guarana which you might recognize from energy drinks. This is really interesting. When you chew it, you get the consistence of a caramel but then the flavor switches to what you know of from energy drinks. It is really confusing and yet not terrible. I wouldn't eat a whole box of them but one here and there isn't so awful. Overall I give it 3 mages wielding compulsion spells out of 5. If you agree that this is the edible jewel than proceed to the end of the post marked (guarana). Otherwise choose :none of them

(MANGO)Upon returning to Eustachian mountain you approach the frozen body of the wizard's daughter. You place the mango gummy in her mouth and a thick fog begins filling the room. The sound of chains rattling and whips cracking is heard. The gate closes behind you and the wizard daughter's eyes begin to glow. Your body ceases and you can do nothing but watch as the wizard's daughter slowly changes into the wizard. He professes his love for you and shrinks you down and seals you in gem that dangles from his ear. Yeah, he has a really lame earing and you are it.

(TAFFY) Upon returning to Eustachian mountain you approach the frozen body of the wizard's daughter. Jameson falls to his knees at her side. He has dozens of arrows protruding from his back and a venomous snake bite on his tongue. (long story...) With his last ounce of strength he places the taffy in her mouth and he falls to the floor. The wizard's daughter awakens and sees her hero on the floor. She turns him over and deduces that only her enchanted kiss shall revive her hero. Alas upon closer examination she notices the snake bite and suddely finds Jameson really weird and grody. You die on the floor and everyone thinks you are weird.

(Fruit Pastiles) Upon returning to Eustachian mountain you approach the frozen body of the wizard's daughter. As Jameson removes the pastile from his pocket the wizard appears. He is like hella pissed off and says some serious wizard speak. You aren't sure what to make of the situation because maybe wizards just sound angry when they talk....you know, like germans. Unfortunately for you, while he is german and a wizzard, his daughter is diabetic. He assumes you are trying to poison her and he demands that you spend eternity in a dungeon comprised of things you find disagreeable.

(Guarana) Upon returning to Eustachian mountain you approach the frozen body of the wizard's daughter. Due to Jameson's high level of perception you notice that even though her body has been in stasis that she has grown a wicked mustache. As an act of kindness and in hopes of a kiss after saving her life you remove your blood knight dagger and shave her mustache off. Suddenly and without warning a deafening boom is heard. You clutch your ears causing you to drop the guarana candy to the floor where it sits for well over the allowed ten seconds rule. On your knees you look at the fallen antidote aware that you shall spend the rest of your days growing older while piniing over your sleeping wizard's daughter. When suddenly (yes, suddenly again) Jameson feels a gentle hand on his shoulder. It is the wizards daughter! As it turns out the evil spell placed on her was more like 'an evil mustache coma spell thing' and not so much a 'go on a candy quest sort of thing'. You are overjoyed and spend the rest of your days together riding like dragons and stuff.

(None of them) Upon returning to Eustachian mountain you approach the frozen body of the wizard's daughter. Jameson speaks "Hey, so I was eating a bunch of candy but none of it was special enough to save you. Soooooo, sorry about that." Jameson puts his battle scarred hand on her cheek and a single tear slowly rolls down her cheek. Upon contact of his wounds Jameson feels as if 1000 angels are kissing his wounds away but instead you poop your self to death. Not quickly either. Yeah, don't go on a quest for a wizard's daughter and return empty handed. You newb.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Not everything has to change

Call it tradition or call it over celebrated repetition either way we humans love nostalgia. On a recent trip to the local market I witnessed a little boy with a familiar dilemma. His father brought him to the store and said that he could choose one treat from the candy section. Now the candy section there is about 8 ft long and about two feet taller than this child. That is a big array of options for a hungry-eyed child. He would look and then pick up something but then he'd see a better option and set the first one down. I know how he felt. I have been there. But something else struck me about that moment. At some point he might reflect on his choice that evening and feel nostalgic about it. Where he has when he ate it and how the evening air felt or that he was up past his bedtime chomping on candy so the parents could do boring parent stuff like talk. (It always seems odd to kids that parents just want to sit and talk....weird.) It is funny how powerful our senses can be and how something as simple as a sweet can bring us back decades to a finite moment when we were knee high to a grasshopper.

So I thought we would have a sit and look back on some classics (for some) and some oldies for others with hopes that maybe you'd remember a treat or an eat that you'd forgotten and can tell or share with someone.
Okay so most of this posts collective sweets came from the Troutdale General Store. Which is as expected, an old timey store with a sandwich counter, t-shirts, old candy, decorum etc...... The items in the above picture were all from the by the pound section. Now, I am not a huge fan of salt water taffy. It never really has a ton of flavor and it has the mouth-feel of sludge. I remember getting them as a child at the beach with my grandparents but I am not nostalgic about it. If they had been super sour then maybe but as a kid you eat any sweet really. What is the saying? "Any port in a storm." For their sheer pathetic existence I give them two skinned knees out of five.

So I moved on to the brown thing. Yep, the brown thing. I have no idea what it is called or why I chose it. It smelled like a caramel. It tasted, however, like grainy nasty cheap caramel and the white stuff in the center tasted and had the mouth-feel of Cinnabon frosting. I am serious. This is a fat mouth treat to the utmost degree. So gross. After the fourth chew I just walked over to the garbage and spit it out. Blech. Blech. Blech. The brown thing gets one-i pooped my pants how do I hide this from everyone, out of five.

Next we have "Sour Balls". Whose name makes me think of a put down an old person would use. "Oh that Clarence he is just an old sour balls." or "Oswald used to be the life of the party now he is just another sour balls." First of all, these balls are not sour at all. So whomever decided that these were sour needs to get their tongue checked. These are just ordinary sweet balls. Why do old people like hard candy so much? Is that nostalgia? Hmmm. Or do they just like the salivation process. I would also like to note that red and orange taste the same. LAME. Green, however, just tastes like crap. I give these sad balls a one run thru the screen door breaking it out of five.

Ok I included this because who was the bright person that thought "Man I love Smartees but whoa are they spendy?!?" "If there was only a generic version that was more approachable? Hmmmm" Guess what? Sassy Sours taste somehow crappier than Smartees which are just sugar pressed into tiny tablets. I didn't snort these. Just saying. I give these a .5 grounded for doing something totally worth getting grounded for out of five.
Necco Wafers are like a quintasential oldie treat. These are actually a different flavor than the normal roll. These are ice cream flavors. Now the original roll all tastes the same except that sick black disc. Ugh. This...oh...ugh, Hold on. This is just an original.....ugh roll.....I just ate the crappy black licorice one..........guh. Sick. Who mislabeled the bucket? Jerks. REALLY FUNNY....

In any case I hate necco wafers. They taste like they should be medicinal. I have tasted better homeopathic migraine remedies that were better than these grody sugar buttons. Coincidentaly that would be my name if I was a clown-Grody Sugar Buttons. *Honk Honk. I give necco a .o5 buried my toys in the mud and forgot where, out of five. Speaking of clowns.....
We have finally reached the heart of this post. The Circus Peanut. (SHARE TIME!) So when I was little there were few things more epic than a trip to grandma and grampa's house. One: they were totally awesome people. Two: they spoiled their grand kids. Three: candy tin. Yes. They had a tin of candy that rested on or near their television. It had a dented lid that hid its sweet sweet surprise from kid eyes. That candy tin was a mythical beast of treats. Cinnamon discs? Check! Butterscotch? You know it. Some weird pink tablet? You bet your sweet bippy! But my favorite was also one of my grandfathers favorite THE CIRCUS PEANUT. You may be thinking "I have had one and it was just spongey marshmellow that tasted vaguely sweet but nothing like a peanut." And you are correct but what you don't know is what I didn't know either.

See a few years after my grandfather passed I say these candies in a store and bought them for Nostalgic purposes. They were not as I remembered. Squishy. Well, then my father told me that his dad would buy a bag of them, open up the bag and put it up in the cupboard for weeks. What does that do? Only makes it totally awesome. It becomes stale. So moisture that makes the texture just squishy leaves and a skin kind of forms on the outside. Well not a skin so much but a shell. Yes a shell. Like a peanut. Genius! The whole texture of the treat changes and it becomes more than a one note snack. So I bought one at the store and I opened it up and put it in the top of the cupboard for 2 weeks. I just ate it. Some things are best left private. I will say, this is a sweet way to pay tribute, no matter how small a tribute, to an amazing person. Cheers gramps! Personally I give this a 5 mom said no more soda but I bet grandma will say yes, out of five. Thanks for your time now please do some reflection. Let me know what you come up with.

What? Oh that is just Morrissey with a cat on his head. Ain't nuthin. He is just provin' that he ain't no sour balls.