.FOOrD BLOrG. Stick with it! (or don't... maybe stick with not sticking with it.)

I am not a big quote person. Like, I am not too into quoting other people. It just seems weird to me that people fuel their lives & ambitions with the words of others. Perhaps though, that is because I often don't quite get what the point is. For instance; "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." To me that sounds like "When things get difficult, you should leave. Look, it is either stick around and get sweaty and uncomfortable or go do something less challenging." My interpretation makes sense to me but it is hardly the point of the initial quote. 

Thanks to the Internet I have to read quotes from people all the time. Which I do not understand. Its like saying "Here is something I wish I had said." Or "I found a sentence that says something but then I thought about it and it meant something more." Either way, I don't think those people are smart for reading a sentence or short paragraph and copying it for everyone to see. Look, I am not saying people shouldn't stick up for what they believe in I just think it would mean more if you used your own words. 

I know. I know. You might be thinking "Geez who rained on your parade?" To which I will say two things: 1. Don't make slight of me owning a parade. You don't know what I aspire to. I don't say "Who rained on your Person Who Has A Hiney For A Head Convention (that you are presently king of.) Maybe I had a package of tostada shells fall on my head today. Yeah, and maybe it happened twice. Double yeah, and maybe my head broke all the shells. Yes, I am having that kind of day. However I am trying to move past it. You know "Cuz whatever doesn't kill you....should literally kill you for using this stupid expression." (That sounded right.) 

So today we are talking about sticks. Snacks on sticks. Also today we are talking about "Sticking with it." (Sigh) I don't know, lets just get to the first snack.

Well would you look at that grin! Here is a little guy that can't help but to make you smile. S got me this little treat from Fubon on 82nd here in Portland, OR. It looks like he is having a hell of a party there. Yep. Everyone seems to have shown up. There is Cup Dude, Chocolate Pie Head, Purple Alien Bee, Red Monkey Devil, Capt. Onion Noggin, and Wind Chill Faced Pete! (I don't actually know any of these characters. Prior to S giving me this I had no idea it existed. Clearly it is from something though. Maybe a TV show or a comic book. Something fun for sure.)

Uh huh. Here we can see a small boy telling secrets to severed heads. Ah to be young again. (*Side note: Is that boy nude cuz it looks like his winkie is danglin' there.)

Hot Damn! That is cute. Isn't it? Isn't that just the bees knees? (By that I of course mean, it doesn't exist. Yeah, the saying implies that it is great or ideal but in truth, bees don't have knees. The world you are living in is a lie.) This sucker though, is darling. Lets see how it tastes:

S- This tastes like Quik. Like that instant chocolate milk. Nesquik, yeah. Well, the pink part tastes like strawberry as well. It seems like a lot of money for a little amount of chocolate. I think they were really banking on the cute points here. I give it a 3 out of 5.

d- Well, I like that it is fudgy and not chalky. You are right, it does taste like Quik. 3.5- Foreign Languages. Look, I studied French for 4 years. I went to France. I spoke less than 4 words. (*I'd like to pause this post to share with you my french expertise: Je pense le thon est comme ci comme ca. = I think the tuna is neither here nor there. Je mange la saucisson. = I eat the sausage. Ou est tu biftek gar? = Where is your beef station. I am not sure if that is the proper conjugation for beef station. You learn that in the 5th year.) Seriously. You don't need it. Don't stick to learning that stuff. Learn something universally bad ass like nun chucks.-out of 5.

Alright, next we have this lollipop. This is a sriracha flavored lollipop. It was a gift from my parents. I don't know where it came from. However any simple search will result in lots of people offering this candy now. Since everything has gone sriracha. Mayo, chips, ketchup, donuts, candy,  you name it and someone is putting this sauce into it. Don't get me wrong. It is fine. (Full of weird stuff, but fine.)

S- This isn't spicy at all. It is supposed to taste like sriracha? It just tastes like dust. I do not like this. 1 out of 5.

d- Peanut? Dusty peanut. Why do I get a nut flavor? There is a touch of heat in the throat of the finish. Barely any heat. This tastes like an old candy shell that was once on a nut. This is like old plastic and dusty corn syrup. You know what? This tastes exactly like this time my father brought home a candy machine and we had it in our garage. (Yeah, mad cool dad points right there.) One side had peanut M&Ms and the other had some kind of red candy shell nut situation going on. This tastes like the cheap shell on those nuts. Clearly this was an attempt to cash in on a trend. This happens all too often. Oh a basil jalapeno lollipop? Then you get it and it barely tastes like anything. Or worse it just tastes like one thing. Then you can call it a "one trick pony." (Which I must say that whomever coined that term was really ungrateful to have a pony at all. Most people would be fine with a no trick pony. Like it just does average pony things. Let alone one that can pull a nickel out of your ear. Do you know how hard it is for a pony to get even one nickel? Plus once the pony finds these nickles where is a pony going to keep a nickle? Yeah, so don't count your blessings until they are...chickens. Which of a feather, will flock together...) Typical. I give this snack a 1-Karate! Don't stick with karate or any type of fighting. Just try to avoid every scenario where that would be needed. Ninja parties. Ninja garage sales. Ninja knitting circles. Ninja pilates. Hot Yoga for Ninjas. Any type of Ninja fight club, which can be a challenge because nobody is talking about it being a Ninja fight club. To avoid that last one just always talk about ninja fight club. If you are somewhere and people aren't into talking about ninja fight club, you are in a ninja fight club.  Pretty much steer clear of any and all ninja functions. Even with your beacoup nun chuck training it won't go the way you think. Just do some squat thrusts and meditate-out of 5.

Oh man, if there is one place that pretty much never fails to let me down in the snack dept. (esp. candy) it is Mexico. Here we have the Rockaleta. It is a sucker with not one but four layers of chili powder and four flavors before you reach the gum center. That might sound like a real deal of a treat to you. That is, if you have never eaten the atrocities that are candies from Mexico.

"A better way to rock?" I can think of a better way to rock. Actual rocks. Yes. I would rather eat an actual rock than this sucker. Look at how disturbing that sucker is. It is a hard candy with teeth. That is so very creepy. That is like a tooth with teeth in it. (Your nightmares will thank me for that.) Now about the sunglasses. WTF? If a living sucker needed any type of protective eye wear...sunglasses? How about goggles? Yeah, think about it! If a giant tongue is going to erode your face, the first thing to go will be your supple orbs of vision. (Your nightmares will thank me for that as well.)

Oh no. It looks even grosser than I thought. If you don't see the evil there it is because you can't tell or don't know that each layer of chili has salt as well. Yes. It is like someone who has never had candy designed this candy. "Hey Alonzo, do you like candy?" "Do I like what? I have literally never heard of or had whatever you are talking about. Is it like butts and trash?" "Um, close enough. You are hired to create Rockaletta!" (Pretty sure that is how it went down.)

Here is how it went down for us:

S-Ugh. It is salty!!! It is salty and leathery! (I should note that at this point she made a seriously grossed out face!) I can't eat this anymore. It is like somebody sweated on my candy. It is seriously disgusting. I don't even need to know what the other layers taste like. I give it a 0 and feel bad for the zero for being in relation to this. It is one of the worst.

d- Ok. It smells like if evil had breath. The stagnant breath of evil is probably their tag line for this. Ugh. It tastes salty. Not the kind of salt that you'd attribute to food either. This tastes "of a body." (Your nightmares are going to need to write me a Thank You card.) So far this sucker smells of leathery earth and tastes like the salt from a body. Mmmmm. At this point even being disgusted had lost all sense of fun. My eyes began to tear up a bit and not because of the chili. The chili isn't hot. I really don't know what is in here. It just tastes gritty and powdery with a hint of tang. The bad kind of tang. So I walked into the kitchen so that if I vomited I would be close to the sink or toilet and began biting at the horrid curse of a confection. Small shards of salty garbage began breaking off and sticking to my teeth. Sticking! Here I was battling it out with the Rockaleta and I was losing. My mouth started to do that salivating thing. You know the one that happens when you start really doing some serious self talk "It's OK. Keep it down. Don't think about it. Certainly don't think of the term "of a body." However I had to press onward. This was all for a very serious and well read blog after all. (Hi mom. Hello wife. They are separate people.) Then suddenly it gave way and I bit thru to the center. Did it look like the packaging? No.  Not at all. It looked like the inside of a really cheap candy. The colors were all muddled and dingy looking. It looked like it regretted looking like that almost as much as I regretted looking. You know that moment in horror films where the monster realizes it is the monster and that it is unnatural and must go? That is how the Rockaleta looked. So I threw it in the trash. Not the compost. The trash. I would have burned it if I could or shot it out into deep space like in Aliens. I don't even know if there were four different tastes of evil in this candy or just 4 different stages of regret for your tongue to wade through. I give this snack a 0- TV Series. Anytime someone says that a show isn't great but stick with it and it gets..... No. How about I just watch something interesting. You can tell me about your show but I am not going to spend hours getting to know characters and waiting for some kind of tension or messed up decision. God forbid it be set in the current times as well. I am not interested in castles, princes, maidens, townsfolk, kings etc... I doth not care!!!-out of 5.

Next we have cotton candy from a store here in N. Portland called Candy Babel. The owner makes the cotton candy (which I hear is tricky due to moisture and well  the fact that this is Oregon.) She also makes it without some kind of caking chemical that is in most cotton candy. This flavor is Black Currant.

S-I like it. The flavor is great. I don't know if I really know what black currant tastes like but this is good. The flavor is really interesting and the texture is quite cottony. I mean this is great cotton candy. 5 out of 5.

d- Wow. You said it so perfectly that I'd like to quote you. "I like it. The flavor is great. I don't know if I really know what black currant tastes like but this is good. The flavor is really interesting and the texture is quite cottony. I mean this is great cotton candy." -S

I give this snack a 5-Working Out. You really don't need to always be "taking it to the max." Sometimes just take it half ways to the max. Lets be honest, people who workout a ton also look like they stare at themselves nude a lot. (and they are into it.) I am all for taking care of yourself. Sure. Not every man needs to drink beer until he is shaped like a lumberjack Alfred Hitchcock at 30. I am just saying it is weird if the person who you are intimate with is more into their own body than yours. While we are being honest, anytime I see someone who is too fit I mentally tell them to "Eat a sandwich." It is OK. Be a person. Oh and maybe just tell your coach at the gym or whatever about how many miles you run every hour and how many squat thrusts you do in your sleep. You don't see me publicly talking about all the candy I eat.-out of 5.

Lastly today we have a real treat. One that will really blow your mind! It comes from Japan. I ordered it and I will order more. Like a box of them. I know I should leave this for the end but I can't talk about this candy without glowing.  So you can see on the front that it is 1-3 something or 13 something. There is also a cute little face! We can also see a lemon and something green. Not sure maybe a lime or apple and on the other side we see grapes. Ok. Grape flavor and Japan? You know this is going to be amazing.

Here you have your typical story. A man with a nice haircut tied a bow on a horse made of fish that he bought from a cheeky panda who was constipated. Then he blacked out until he was awoken by a dog stealing his bone. 20+ times. Pretty sure that is what it means.

Really quickly I wanted to show you the close up of this little one. What does that say? Probably "Look at how freaking adorable this is! (While I am feeling particularly bitter. What is with people who say "adoughable" for adorable? It is horrible. If somebody says that just slap them with the kitten they are looking at. Ok, I am kidding unless it is a picture of a kitten or a "Hang in there!" poster. Slap with that for days.) I mean, all of this package is giving away the secrets that lurk within but I don't know what it says so lets look closer!

Ah! It is even cuter in real life!!! Awe. It seems embarrassed. I really think it is blushing. Judging by the color of the candy I am going to guess that this is grape. Lets see the back of it.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Are you kidding me right now? This side is in LOVE! Well, so am I little sucker. Wait a minute. What do you think that is? Candy? A toy? The cutest choking hazard of all time?

WHAT!?! That is correct. This sucker has two sides. Two different flavors. Also the center is candy as well. (Spoiler alert: These flavors go together like poor hygiene and skateboarders.) Wow. It would appear that this candy was designed with every care taken into account. Well, except for the stick. Or...

THERE IS GUM HIDDEN IN THE STICK OF THE LOLLIPOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, that's it. All other lollipop companies take note. You just lost. Unless this treat tastes like Alonzo made it. Lets see:

S- Ok. One side is grape. I think the other side is apple. Both flavors are great separately but somehow they work well together too. It isn't too sweet. I don't know which I like better. Maybe the apple side since I have such a high expectation now for Japanese grape candy. This is really fun to eat. I have to give it a 5.

d- It should be no surprise that this treat gets a 6. Yeah, I know that there has never been a 6 before but they nailed every aspect of this candy! OK. Grape? Yes. It isn't syrupy. It is a classic Japanese grape candy flavor. Light and pleasant. Apple? Yes. The apple is cider like and brings some fresh tartness to the party. Fantastic separate but when enjoyed together, AWESOME. Now for the center. It is a disc of fizzy radness. Yea, so halfway into your lollipop enjoyment suddenly is goes from a juice drink lollipop to a soda pop lollipop.  The center tablet is ramune flavored. What? Yeah. Insane. Oh and the stick that is hiding the gum surprise? Cola flavored gum. I KNOW. This is like a kid designed it. Like me when I was a kid. It is all of these things and it only cost a dollar. One dollar. I ordered this from Tokyo. I feel like this candy broke all the rules and for that it gets a 6- Healthifying recipes! Not everything can be made skinny and lite. Figure out a balance people because at some point the dish isn't the same thing anymore. Quit always eating things that require you to imagine that they are something else. (Use your imagination for fun not to pretend you aren't miserable.) Cut corners somewhere else and allow yourself to enjoy a taco pizza or a Louisiana Gravy Barge (the food not the sex move.) Whatever you are into. Don't work hard all day and your reward be a version of something that isn't even remotely like your favorite spaghetti bake.  A Bulgar burger is not a burger. It's a grain wad. I am not saying don't eat healthy. I just think that while you are eating mostly healthy also remember to treat yourself. If you want pie then eat pie. Don't eat a piece of an apple and an oat while thinking "mmmm pie." That's not pie. No matter how you slice it, you are being a stupid pie.-out of 5.

Well, I feel better. How are you all? I hope you enjoyed this post and can free yourself from sticking to somethings that maybe are taking too much energy from you. Me? Oh I am definitely going to stick to not judging people and only worrying about myself. I think it is going well. Till next time,

“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” ― Abraham Lincoln.

.What is happening with you? You seem "different." FOOrD BLOrG.

Chocolate. 

I know I have said 1000 times that I am not a big chocolate fan. However, even if you are a chocolate fan, you aren't going to like every single thing that chocolate has going on. This is pretty much true with anything. You could be the biggest corduroy vest fan but that doesn't mean you want corduroy ass less chaps. (or maybe it does. They would look good with the vest.) You might love German techno but that doesn't mean you'll love a German techno remix of Fallout Boy. (Unless it is instrumental.) You might love cats but that certainly doesn't mean you'll enjoy Cats The Musical. I am not sure if I am communicating this clearly so lets bring Punky Brewster into the situation. (Always a good idea.) 

So Punky Brewster was a sitcom that was on in the mid 1980s. It was about a quirky little girl who is being raised by an old fuddy duddy foster parent with a heart of gold. The story lines follow Punky as she struggles with things like mild sadness, stress, and friendships. It did OK for a year and so someone decided "We need more Punky!" So suddenly there was a cartoon called "It's Punky Brewster." Basically, the same right? I mean, give the people what they want! Punky Brewster? Check. Magic Gopher-who grants wishes? Check. Wait. What? This isn't the same. If Punky had a magic gopher that grants wishes, she probably wouldn't be a foster kid living with a weird old man with a bleeding ulcer. (I am not admitting that I have thought about this before or argued this point at a party after a few too many slippery nipples.) A version of something can only be just that. Different. Trust me, as someone who has had that word applied to them their whole life, different is an acquired taste.

Today we will be trying some different chocolate friends.

First up today is Choco Baby. S found this for me at a market. I think what catches the eye first here is the exploitation style-possibly racist name. Now a lot of candy that I find or that is found for me at Asian groceries or ordered from over seas, will have cartoon characters on them. I am so very glad that this one does not. I searched for commercials with fear in my heart of what I would find. Luckily there were none. So what is a Choco Baby? Well, you know how chocolate can be so DIFFICULT to lug around? Oh man, it is just so HEAVY and cumbersome!!! Am I right? Well luckily meiji has you in mind and created a snack that is a tiny piece of chocolate something. Yeah and packaged it in a tube that is roughly the same size as the average chocolate bar. (huh..) Hey, look on the bright side though, it has a flip top lid so once you try this candy, you can re gift it to someone who you don't really care about. The plastic wrapper even comes off when you open it so they won't know that the candy is racist or an allusion to feces. (I mean everyone has a gross uncle who while leaving a restroom has claimed that they just birthed a chocobaby, right? No. Just me. Thanks Uncle Glen. Thanks a bunch.)

Lets try it!!!

Side note: Upon opening, it smells like a Dollar Store candle that is supposed to smell like a chocolate scented Dollar Store candle. Yeah. Not even a chocolate scented candle. Try once removed from that.

S- Ugh. Oh no. This is like bad Easter candy. If this is chocolate it has to be the cheapest of any chocolate ever. I am bummed that this is the blog post that you are returning with. I give it a 1 out of 5. No style points. I bet the whole wrapper comes off when you open it, to give you a chance to call it non-racist things.

d- Ack. I have literally tasted wax that was better than this. The mouth feel is both regret and crumbling wax. It is something like a fake Tootsie roll in every worse sense of this sentence. Perhaps this is the flavor equivalent to being racist. Eat this snack to feel what a racist mouth feels like after being racist. This is the "scared straight" equivalent of snacks. You eat this and then your mouth will want to repent and eat better chocolate. I give this snack a 1- Hyper color shorts. Yeah, sure the shirt will show off your teenage armpit heat and or breasts but as a teenager I had the shorts too. No teenage boy needs heat sensitive shorts. Stick with the shirts Hyper color!-out of 5.

OK so moving on. Here we have another entry from a fancy chocolate bar. There are millions of these things on the market and I have had maybe two that were worth buying a second time. For all I know maybe that is the $8 chocolate bar business model. Get everyone once. That is all you need. Anyway, I digress, S found this for me. I believe at a local market. (Isn't that helpful?) Look. It is Edamame and sea salt. A chocolate bar with those two things. This is like a low calorie snack meets an actually enjoyable snack. (Just kidding. Love me some edamame. Isn't this helpful as well?) All I know is that I don't see salted milk chocolate often. Bitter or dark chocolate sure. Those are complex and assertive chocolates. Salty milk? Yeah, I will pass on that. That sounds gross.

So as is the case ever so often with this style of upscale grocery chocolate (is that a term or classification?) the back of the packaging pleads their case. It is a bad picture here because I don't really care. Look, be proud of what you make. Sure. Just get off you chocolate high horse. Locally source? OK. Good ingredients? Yeah, well nobody admits otherwise. Fast food doesn't say "some of the meat in here was maybe almost not just chemicals once.?" They say "Only the best..." If I buy a snack, I want a snack not a one sheet advertising your mission statement. Your mission statement is the same as every other snack. Get my money and get in my mouth. (That is also probably a rap lyric.) So then I opened the packaging....

What? Now it is crazy sexy time party? There is a manage a trios of chocolate ladies (That sounded worse than intended.) in here. Also there are not one but two more paragraphs. Here is the interesting part. So inside it says that every time you buy their chocolate that they give food to someone who wouldn't have food. (Yeah, like that shoe company.) It sounds to me like they could just not put edamame in their chocolate and those hungry people would have a meal and I could eat the chocolate. Win win. Whatever, lets keep unwrapping this completely not wasteful amount of wrapping on this chocolate.

Whoa there. Easy on the edamame! Don't you know there are starving people waiting for me to buy a chocolate bar so that you can then feed them hopefully anything but this? (OK. This sounds harsh and I want to apologize to blah blah blah for all the stuff. We good?)

S- I really don't get the edamame. I get the texture. It is chewy. I really don't care for this. 1 out of 5. They get one style point for the inside packaging.

d- I knew it. Salty milk chocolate. This is disgusting. Let the record show (of this fake food blog) that we both love salt but this is a misuse altogether. The edamame is like something fell into the chocolate machine. Like an old worm or something dried up and unpleasant. (Not a pleasant worm, like the one in the movie Labyrinth.) I give this a 1-pizza bun burger -out of 5. (What is a pizza bun burger? it is a burger with pieces of pizza as the bun. Duh. It is also a bad idea. Some of you know what I am talking about.)

Next is another treat from the fine people at sugarfina. Here we have some dark chocolate covered goji berries. You can look up what a goji berry is on your own time. I am not a research assistant. I eat stuff and babble. (I am a novice mess at both of those things.) Now here is the problem. Just because you may enjoy a company doesn't mean that everything they make will be your favorite. Sure, it might be but there is always the danger that it won't be for you. That is OK. Everyone can like different things. Hey, I like so many things that you probably don't. Things you might even hate. That is cool. Eat a goji berry and chill. (In your research, did you see they are good for chilling? I know they have alleged health benefits. It isn't for erectile dysfunction is it? You know what? Don't tell me. It isn't important.)

Side note: No real aroma when opening the container. This snack sort of feels like a chocolate covered raisin.

S- Nope. There is something weird about it. This reminds me of a chocolate covered raisin that has been badly burned first. Ugh. I give this negative points. Less than nothing.

d- The "dark chocolate" shell first gracefully shatters revealing an emaciated fragment of a mere cat's toenail. (possibly) Do you remember wax lips? this is like eating the part of those that had a sore on it. (Too much?) Well, it isn't great. Nobody should eat these. I just want to move on. I give this a 0-New Kids On the Block reunion-out of 5. (Come on. You had your run. Donnie, you are going to throw your hip out dry humping that amplifier.)

Alright. This is the end. We end it with this. The Idaho Spud. This is an old candy. Like 1918 old. The candy bar reads "The candy bar that makes Idaho famous." Which just goes to show you that once, a long time ago, "famous" meant something entirely different. Also a long time ago, i guess you could put sugar on anything and call it "candy." Case in point: see below.

What the eff??? It is like they aren't even trying. Oh so this is what a potato looks like? They must have been so confused at all of the potatoes that their cat had laid in the litter box. Now, I had hopes that S would really like this one as it involves some sort of coconut but upon seeing it she demanded to see the ingredients. Trust me, they are atrocious. Weird oils and all. What you can't see here is that beneath the attractive exterior is a very creative interpretation of a marshmallow. This isn't right. Somebody check the Idaho water supply. Something has gone horribly awry and not only is nobody fixing it. They are claiming it. If I made this, I'd blame everyone else. However, the rule is that we have to try it.....

S- No way. This is some REAL weird stuff. Here, let me see what is in it. Ugh. I hate this. I hate this the most. This is inedible. Worse than negative points. No style points for things that look like poop.

d- You know how a really horrid version of magic shell tastes when it is covered in dead skin? NO? Well, I do and it is what makes Idaho famous! The gritty exterior is a marvelous precursor to the grainy texture of the chemical marshmallow that lie in wait beneath it. (Chemical Marshmallow is my favorite early 90s rock band BTW.) I give this a 0-Lip Smackers. Alright, cool it. People like mint and berry lip gloss. Nobody who is 8 needs to know what a pina colada tastes like much less lips that taste like a pina colada. No teenager needs root beer lip gloss. "Hey Glen, what was your first kiss like?" Eh, root beer. "You ain't never kissed anyone Glen. That is why you make gross jokes when you leave restrooms. Weirdo."-out of 5.


It is good to be back. I will try to post every week on mouth watering Wednesday. (That is what everyone calls it right?) I have a wonderful assortment of snacks so far that have been gifted to me or that I have sought out. Thanks for taking the time to read this drivel. As always, don't take my word for it. Go try these snacks and all of the others "reviewed" and form your own opinions from experiences. Blah blah blah and stuff,

dirk.

Alright, I am done. Normally there is at least a positive snack in the bunch but these are all terrible. albeit terrible in their own special different ways. Like us all.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Don't fear the Chocolatier.

October is one of my truly favorite months. I love the fall and I love the onslaught of horror films everywhere. Ever since I was little (but not too little) I have enjoyed creature features and other scary tales. As we all know, one of the things that make a really effective spooky film is that it taps into a specific fear.You know, like nuclear fallout turning people into zombies or wanting to be like the people on Keeping up with the Kardashians turning people into zombies or zombies turing people into zombies.....or well, just zombies. 

There are some scenes in films that shock and disgust us. Scenes that we instantly put ourselves in the "What would that feel like? AHHHHH!" situation. For instance the ankle scene in Pet Sematary or the entire last quarter of the film Audition. (shudder.) However horrific a scene is though, if we can't imagine it being real or edit ourselves into the scene than it isn't going to work. That being said, allow me to regale you with a very true scene from my life just a few days ago...

Four months ago I has a minor odd feeling in my right ear. It didn't hurt but it felt like a mild pressure. (Are you nervous where this is going yet?) After much deliberation I made an appointment to see a doctor. Long story short, he knew nothing of what it was and could see no visible problem. He prescribed me drops for both ears and sent me on my way. The drops were a real treat and after a week of my loving wife putting drops in my ears for me nothing changed for the better. So I returned again and this time the doctor (different one) prescribed me antibiotics which as we all know come with their own horrors. So for ten days I took my punishment and it helped me with nothing but perhaps drop a few pounds. I returned again and this time the doctor referred me to a specialist. (*Cue The Dead Milkmen song "Take me to the Specialist")

This problem had lingered for months now in varying stages of displeasure. Sometimes I wanted to bang my head into the desk in an effort to alleviate pressure or simply scream at the top of my lungs for some kind of release. After a while I had become accustomed to the situation but I still didn't want to go deaf if that was a side effect to whatever was happening in my ear. Prior to the specialist I had to have a hearing test. Now this is the part of the film where the main character sits in a strange room with someone on the other side of a tinted window. The unseen person makes bleep sounds and I would press a clicker when I would hear it. Then the person would say words and ask that I would repeat them as their voice would become quieter and quieter. In my cold padded room I'd hear a voice "Bedroom" and I'd say "Bedroom." The a quieter voice "Cowboy" and again I would repeat "Cowboy" until I would hear nothing and be left to wonder what had become of said bedroom cowboy.  I had tested above average all across the board and was sent to another area to wait.

Once admitted into the room I sat for a moment before in walked a beast of a woman. She had a wide face that was devoid of expression and stringy hair like that girl who crawled out of the t.v. in The Ring (The original not the bs remake.) She dragged her legs across the floor like she was a zombie and her voice was monotone at best. Now I'd just like to pause and say that in a patient care situation "care" is an important word and an even more appreciated feeling to have when something is wrong with you. This lady was giving up none of that. She turned my chair and and asked what was the problem. So I told her the whole ordeal which she took in without blinking or moving a muscle at all. This lady was really freaking me out now. She shined a light into my ear and reached over for a long metal stick about 4 inches in length. "What is that even here for?" I thought. "Don't look at her....Don't look at anything she picks up. She is rummaging around for things to stick into your ear!"

It was at this point I decided to look forward. That would be a good point to focus on  and then all I have to do is go to my happy place and wait for this to all be over. A great plan. Except for one thing. As she pressed my head into my left shoulder I realized that she had turned my chair so that I was facing myself. I had nowhere else to look as she placed a small metal cone on my ear and lifted the small metal rod and slid it along the cone and slowly into my ear. (Do you understand what I am saying? I have the pristine image of somebody slowly lowering a surgical implement into the confines of my head. That is so f*cked up. Nobody should have that.) What happened? It hurt and I shook and somehow made my squished-into-my-neck face look even more worse. She was displeased. She told me not to move or I might get hurt. Yes those are her words. The same words a kidnapper uses or a bank robber. I thought, "This has to be the first time she has done this on a living person." She tried again by squishing my face further into my neck. My eyes filled with fear as she again lowered a different but still metal pick into my skull. Same results. She huffed like Dahmer probably did after ever failed lobotomy. By this point I figured that this is either a hidden camera show with really good lawyers or that she is an escaped patient from a torture institution. (They still have those right? That is where toothbrushes are made of sand paper and their t.v.s only show those "real housewife" shows.)

So the "dr?" calls for the nurse and then drips fluid in my ear and tells me to "sit still and wait." The nurse walks in and the "dr" says "I need to put something in his ear to numb it because he is so jumpy." I didn't have a problem with this at first. Until she said "An eye dropper OR a syringe." PROBLEM. I can't explain nor should I have to how much I am on team eye dropper in any situation where the two option of what will be put into my ear canal is A. eyedropper or B. A SYRINGE!!! (Now let's just take a moment and acknowledge that this lady doesn't seem to know her way around this room. Anybody else concerned by this? I was.) Nonetheless, what did they go with? Syringe. (FMLx1000) 

The nurse then leaves after doing nothing but silently agreeing that the dr.'s crazy idea is a good one and she leaves the door open. So now the lady presses my already squished face into my shoulder. My eyes dart from the mirror, where I can see her filling the syringe, to the open door as people are passing and NOT HELPING. Then I see what will forever be my horror moment. I literally see this person slowly lowering a dripping syringe into my ear canal. Like she is flying a spoonful of food into a babies mouth. You know what? If she had made a crazy airplane noise that would have somehow made it better. Listen to my words: I have fleeting images of seeing a syringe be inserted into where my eardrum is. If that doesn't creep you out. Then you aren't human. 

(What happened? She then dug around with a tool in my numbed ear and removed some debris that she said was the problem. The problem was caused by the ear drops from the first dr. I know. FML.)

Now lets talk chocolate!!!!

I know that in the past I haven't given chocolate the highest of praise. So this time I have a team of friends who will weigh in on each snack! Welcome to the fold: Tara, Kurt, Beverly and returning awesome wife Sarah.

Well first up we have Magic Fingers. I believe we purchased this at a russian grocery but judging by the title you might think it came from an adult store.You know, the kind where nobody dresses like that chef guy on the packaging. (Maybe one guy but rest assured he has no magic fingers. The only thing he has on his hands is too much time and calluses. You know, from baking...)

Well it appears to just be a biscuit-like Twix kind of deal. Lets see the breakdown:

S- I don't like it. 0-out of-5 I like the gold wrapper for each MF but the outside wrapper is crap so no style points. (*Side note: She literally just started giving out style points. This has never been a part of the judging so let's all welcome STYLE POINTS!)

T- It is a little bland. 1.5-out of-5 because it isn't horrible. Nothing to turn to for a treat of quality in either biscuit or chocolate.

K- It is kinda like a Whopper and kind of like not eating anything. Not bad. 2-out of-5

B-This is stupid. It isn't gross but who cares. At least try to wrap it nicely. It looks like it has been previously unwrapped. 1-out of 5.

D- This is cheap and the biscuit part is powdery. The chocolate is super cheap and has more in common with candle wax. Cheap candle wax. I give this a 1-If you hated the ankle scene in Pet Symatary than you should watch Sympathy for Mr. Vengence-out of 5.

So there are literally hundreds of chocolate companies in Portland it seems. We hadn't seen this one before so we bought two different kinds from The Meadow in North Portland or maybe New Seasons somewhere....You know what? Doesn't matter. What does matter is that the buzz words on the cute little packaging matches with the flavors inside.

Here we can see all of the special ingredients. Yep. Ok everything seems to be in order here. This seems to be looking good.

So I screwed up and didn't take a picture before I cut it up but I did with the next one. Don't worry.

S-Tastes like chocolate. That is it. My throat is a little burning but that is probably from the habanero sauce at dinner. I give it a 1and a half-outof 5 Also 3 style points for the packaging. (*we still don't know how many possible style pints there are so maybe that isn't even good.)

T- I just taste chocolate. Wait, there was a small chunk of something in it. No nothing. 2.5-out of 5. It is ok but really nothing special.

K-SAME. I agree with everything that is being said.

Bev-This is just dark chocolate. Bummer. NBD. I guess if you hit those ingredients really hard though it maybe gross. I give it a 4-out of 5.

d- I get dark chocolate. No ginger or anything promised on the front. This doesn't seem balanced or impressive. Disappointing. 2-The most intense french horror film is titled INSIDE and it will murder your brain-out of 5.

Well, after that warm response who wouldn't want to try another one? Show of hands? (You can't see this but it is all hands in here.) I selected this one because it has hazelnuts and fernet. Sarah loves both of those things. So I thought that this was really going to be something special. Maybe it might become her new favorite thing. Only time and mouths will tell. (That sounded weird.)

So here we can see more fantastical blah blah blah. Chocolates do this SO much. It is like a book on the back. In fact I expect sometime to pick up a book and turn it over only to find out that it is a chocolate and all the literature is just their food mission statement. Look if you need a paragraph to win over a consumer maybe focus more on what your product is and make it approachable and less like you are so smart and unique. Just an idea. Your whimsical hoopla just makes you seems like a stuffy a-hole. (Not exclusively this snack just most high end chocolates. I just want the snack. I already have a library card if i need anything else. Thanks.)

So here you can see how pretty it looks in it's little plastic sleeve.  Let's just move on to what the team thought.

S-This one is a bit waxy. It seems lighter than the last one. They get a 1-out of 5 for no Fernet. Ugh. So disappointed. However I like the packaging. I like that each flavor has a different colored wax seal. So 5 style points. (That is the most style points since the style points have been added.)

T-I like this chocolate better. 2-out of 5. (She must have said more but that is literally all I wrote down.

K-I like this one much better. Smooth chocolate. Not too flavory. 3-out of 5.

B-Bummer again. There is nothing to it. I might taste fernet but it might be psychosymatic. It tastes like fernet farted. 4-out of 5. Good chocolate. (Swear to god that is what I wrote down. In that order. That is what she said. The weirdest highest rating for that snack.)

d-Eh.... Where do you start with something that gives you so little to remark on. This is like being a kid on that last day of school and the other kid that you like offers to sign your yearbook and you are so excited to see what it says. You get your book and open it and notice that they wrote "stay cool this summer" which would be exciting if Joey and Heath and Karl hadn't also written the exact same thing. Unremarkable. 2-The spanish film [REC] should be the only found footage film. Period.-out of 5.

This was a gift I received for my birthday from our good pals Caleb and Natasha. Now I have had many chocolate snacks and many bacon snacks. Bacon donuts, bacon beer, bacon water, bacon gum etc....... I have had one chocolate bacon before and it wasn't my favorite thing ever. However that didn't make it to the blog as it was on vacation. Here is a close up of the actual product.

S- I am giving it a zero for just being here. Negative style points.

T-Uh. It tastes stale. I am really not into the bacon. Ugh. 0-I am finding it...hard to swallow..gross.

B-No problem. It is kinda interesting. Home made would be way better than sitting on a shelf. I am not upset about it. 3. NBD.

K-This is disgusting. Is this real bacon? This can't be real. Ugh. 0-out of 5.

d-This smells like if a shoe had a basement where bad things happened. This is like the worst of two worlds. I feel like the oily fat from the bacon has leeched into the chocolate. The texture is a waxy fatty affair. Nobody wants that. Why would somebody want to share this with people? 0-The Innkeepers is one of the best old style ghost stories of the last decade-out of 5.

B -{round 2} I get more bacon. Ugh. It is way worse this time. That three is fading fast. Ultimately resting at 1-out of 5.






So there you have it. Yet another chocolate chapter closed. As always I encourage you to try these or any of the other snacks on this blog and find out if it is delicious or not. I am always surprised at what people like that I don't and vice versa. See you next time. Happy Halloween.

Yes I realized it is odd to put a terrifying ear experience before a food blog.

('*side note: Once the lady removed the dried chemical from the drops and the experience was over I felt like she was the best person in the world. That being said, she had just dumped a bunch of numbing things into my brains.)

.FooRd BloRg. Just be nice. (to chocolate)

Everyone is exposed to different things. That is kind of the idea with this blog. Just putting stuff out there that maybe people are aware of or maybe not. Lets face it, we all miss things. We don't see a movie or checkout an album. I spend a large portion of my time in my head which is a wondrous and strange place. There for I miss things and sometimes when i encounter them it blows my mind.

One such example is that I was calling QFC a grocery store here in PDX and in order to find the number I googled it. Then clicked on the first listing I saw which was Yelp. Now maybe I have been naive but I thought Yelp was just restaurant reviews. You know, reviews that maybe are needed but boy was I wrong. There were reviews for a grocery store. Maybe this doesn't blow your mind but it shattered mine. 

First of all, who writes a review for a chain grocery store? It is a grocery store. They have prepared products and produce and a person that takes your money. It is a pretty straight forward situation. Nobody should be like "I can se my reflection in the floor of the frozen pizza isle. People need to know about this." Or "Six brands of toilet paper. I don't have time to weight the various pros and cons of this selection. Let alone debate how many ply I wish to use. Scale down your selection Safeway. I ain't no asstrologist!" (That isn't a spelling error. That person was making a pun.) It just shouldn't happen. Secondly who stops to read a review before going to a grocery store to buy basic life necessities? You usually go to whatever is closest to you. I have never heard of someone saying "Hey dear, could you pick up some lemons?" and the reply is "Yeah, I will just rundown to Fred Meyer but first let me see what a stranger said about their produce selection and parking situation." It shouldn't exist. Those are the types of things in a grocery store review because that is all you can really say about a grocery store. One person while talking about that the grocery store has parking (wtf?) remarked on how that made it easy to "zip in after work". Yeah, that is how a store works. Nobody should think "I was going to go grocery shopping but I didn't know if they had a parking lot.  Now if you are thinking that sometimes grocery store lots fill up, don't shop at that time. See how easy that is? If you want a really magical shopping experience-go at night. There is nobody there. You can spend hours squeezing grapes if you want. (Why do you want that?) The last thing I will say about this topic is that the top reviewer: Melissa had checked in there 19 times at the QFC. 19 times. I hope all of her friends appreciate that she lets them know that she is at a grocery store, a place pretty much all humans go to buy things all humans need. Whew. Mystery solved. Melissa isn't getting bananas from dragons and big foot. Nope she buys them at a grocery store like everyone else. Thanks Melissa.

Then again for all I know, Melissa may be the daughter of a spy and when she goes missing they will check her phone and say "The last place she checked in was at QFC. Lets go investigate but lets also walk. I am not sure if they have a parking lot."

Segue: Chocolate.

Well played. Today we are looking at 4 different chocolate treats and joining me in this post is Sarah and our pal Beverly.

So up first we have these cashews! Nuts covered in coconut, white chocolate, and curry. One of those I like-curry. The other things, including cashews, I am not such a fan of. I had to buy it though because it sounds so unique or different or possibly terrible. Sarah and I found these at Sheridan Fruit Company where our friend Susie works. Now thats store is more of a specialty market and deserves reviews. In fact it has at least 50 on Yelp. If I was reviewing it I'd give it a 5 out of 5. You should check it out if you haven't. Alas we are talking about these nuts and here is the breakdown.

It smells kind of like sunscreen.

B- Gross. It tastes like easter candy and suntan lotion. Like really cheap easter candy. I hate it.( -10 out of 5)

S- Oh yeah, it tastes like salty suntan lotion. Like somebody sweated in my mouth on vacation. Can I have more? (4 out of 5)

d- Ugh. Coconut. I hate it. Dreadful. It has such a fatty mouth feel between the fatty nut and the fatty white chocolate feel. It coats your mouth in fat. This is truly disgusting.  Also after you swallow it the flavor and sludge stays in your mouth. Torture.

I give this snack a 0-Go to Yelp and read reviews of Jiffy Lube-ouch-out of 5.

I am pretty sure this snack came to us by way of Birchbox. If you don't know what that is than you should look it up. It is pretty fun. This chocolate has chili, cayenne, and cinnamon. Doesn't sound too crazy right?

Kinda cute ain't it? I mean, for a choco pod. it just smells like dark chocolate.

B-It just seems like crappy milk chocolate that turns into crappy dark chocolate . I don't get any chili. I get the cinnamon and it ends with a slightly spicy mouthfeel. (2.5-out of 5)

S-I get a little cayenne but mostly cinnamon. There is too much cocoa. Like it tastes like cocoa powder. (3 out of 5)

d-Bitter. (That is literally all I wrote down. I know. Terrible review. I remember agreeing with both Bev and Sarah but I only wrote one word for myself.) 2.5-Check out Biomat plasma donation on Yelp-out of 5.

Green tea Kit Kat! Yup. I have had several types of imported kit kats over the years. I pretty much try everyone that I can find. So here we are with green tea. Again this was ordered from Tokyo as it is not available in the states.

Oh, look at the back there. You can write a little note. Remember when you couldn't write on snack size candy bars? What dark times those were. I like that there are even lines so your handwriting won't go everywhere. That is so helpful.

B-Live it. It just tastes like a vanilla Kit Kat. This reminds me of a special treat that my grandma used to make. (4-out of 5)

S-Eh. It is a vanilla Kit Kat. Not memorable at all. (3-out of 5)

d- I agree. It isn't bad at all but I wouldn't eat it again. (3-check out Taco Bell on Yelp-out of 5)

Ok so here we have another expensive chocolate bar boasting its exotic spice blends on the front. I have grown weary of these since there are so many of them and they always seem like they are going to be amazing. Yet more often than not they turn out to be underwhelming.

Uh huh. Yep. A whole lot of wordage on there. Buzz words and the use of "titillate". Everything seems in order here.

B- Ugh. It tastes like cheap chocolate and a ton of mint. (2.5-out of 5)

S-Awe sick. It tastes like bile. F-that!!! (0-out of 5)

d-I get tea at the end. Not too into the mint and the chocolate tastes really cheap. I give this chocolate a 2-check out McDonalds on Yelp-out of 5.

My wife told me that people review everything on Yelp. She was right. I guess I just never looked. The things people waste their time on is amazing. (This blog included.)

In closing, I'd like to leave you with an excerpt from a review of a Walmart on 82nd avenue. This message is by Emily L. in Portland Or. "t should also be known that my favorite moment from this particular Wal-Mart is when the women's bathroom had a human turd on the floor. Not in one of the stalls, but just out by the sinks (masterful)....and, said turd, was there long enough for someone, not to clean it up, but to put an orange cone next to it to warn people from stepping on it." 

Now that is a helpful review.

.FooRd BlooRg. Chocolorts revenge.

Spring is here. Time to pick some flowers..(Oh my god. That is the worst intro ever. Can we just look at that for a second. Both of us just hold this moment. Ugh. It feels gross doesn't it? I deleted a heavy intro about women vs. men and the difficulty of not being overly masculine (overly? You say.) and that is the intro you get? Yes. I am sorry. I am trying to not be so heavy handed in the intro. So lets just pretend that those two short piddly sentences are just great comedy gold. How about you laugh really loud and it will make me feel better. Just pretend that this post started with me saying:

Anytime I see a person hang-gliding I assume that they are a time traveller from 1982.

or

You see less smiles at a craft fair than at a goth night.

or

I am pretty sure the inventor of high fives would view "punching it in" the same way Beethoven would view Kid Rock. #Bullsh!t.

or

Wishing wells are casinos for the amish.

or

Sure when you eat it you call it Asparagus but when you pee it becomes despair-a-gross. #Am I right?

or

My gym hated my promotional idea: Win a free month by guessing how many farts are in the yoga studio.

(I know. Cheap move to recycle things I have posted on Twitter. But get used to it because the 1-5 scale is all them sum b!tches)

So today we are sitting down to eat some chocolates yet again. Sarah is going to be helping me out here so lets get to it.

First up we have a Japanese Kit Kat. Incase you don't know "sakura" is cherry blossom and "maccha" is a finely ground green tea powder and a "latte" is gross. I mean it is a coffee drink made with steamed milk or soy milk....and it is gross. (Jk. But seriously I don't like cream or milk in my coffee. It isn't my thing.)

What a cute box these six tiny expensive Kit Kat sticks come in. I mean look at that little flap. Obviously the person who designed it doesn't understand how keys work but that is ok.

Looks pretty good right? Well here is the break down:

S-Hmm. It tastes like a condensed milk Kit Kat. I don't get any rose in aroma or taste.

d- I get no rose at all. This is pretty close to a non-chocolate Kit Kat.

I wish we could expand on that but honestly that is how long we "enjoyed" this snack. I was expecting strong rose flavor or heavy green tea taste but what they delivered on here is that milk. That lovely latte milk. No thanks. Shame on you Japan. I give this snack a 2-It would seem to me that Tracy Chapman would be great at Nascar commentary#YouDriveAFastCar-out of 5.

Sarah found this for me. As I have said before: these expensive chocolate bars can be quite tricky. They seem to bloat the packaging with as many buzzwords in an attempt to hook a yuppie into spending 8 bucks or whatever. (Also who let that jester into the tea room? That clown is going to break something or defile the finger sandwiches. You know he is.)

Blah blah blah.....Hold up. Skip down to the second paragraph. Read those first two sentences. Now if you aren't the least bit creeped out by that than this chocolate is for you. No. You can't argue. If you are into that than you are weird. Like cat lady fashion blogger weird. Like frog statue collecting weird. Like you smell like off cheese weird. You get the point.

Well it looks unassuming. Here is the breakdown:

S-It smells like a delicious chai. It tastes like a delicious chai. Good chocolate with great flavor. (She went back for seconds....Personally I bet she will finish it tonight.)

d-Oh yeah. Super good. Really nice chai flavor. Wow. Delivers 100% as promised. Hot damn.

If you like chocolate and or chai then you deserve this. It is great. I kind of want to make smores out of it. I also kind of want to drink an espresso but if I am awake I want to drink an espresso. I give this snack a 5-If you answer anything with "nunya" I will stab you in the throat. Not because you are a terrible person (also true) but because it is my kill word.-out of 5.

Ok.Remember when we ate chocolate that had beef and cheese in it? Well we did and this also hails from Neapolitan Chocolates. Rose-berry? Come on! How adorable is that? It sounds like a kid with a head cold is saying "rosemary."

Oh geez. It is super cute. Look at that little fella.

Oh no. I cut him all up and now I have to eat his brains! (And everything else...)

S-Hmmm. It is weird because the chocolate is good but then the rose comes in and it tastes like someone spilled perfume on my chocolate.

d-Whoa. Weird. Yet again their chocolate is good. However when it finishes with the rose it is not quite enjoyable. I also don't get any berry.

S-It is the little dried raspberry or strawberry on top. Also I would like to add in all realness that if you were in the movie The Avengers that you would be THE INCREDIBLE HUNK. On the account that you are so hunktacular and hot..and strong. and dreamier than Leonardo in Romeo and Juliet. (Ok she didn't say that last part...)

d-Oh.

Ultimately this candy fell short of being amazing. Which is sad because the core of what they have going on here is solid. The chocolate is tasty and the soft center is scrumptious but sadly the rose is a no go.

I give this snack a 2-I just took an instagram of my FB, pinned it on my pinterest board and tweeted the occasion. Why am I still so empty inside? #FakeAccomplishments-out of 5.



Well that is that. Next week we have three exciting beverages. (Spoiler alert!) As always I am open to snack suggestions. Just say howdy to me on twitter: dirk_marshall or find me on the FB.(maybe not.)
I wil leave you with two more tweets.

"It is so hard to ride a bike with your ho." #UrbanGardener

"Why isn't there a catholic fight club called Taberknuckle choir? #ICheckedThereIsNun

*No I didn't post this as an add for my twitter. I was sitting staring at the first two sentences on this post and thought "really? This is the memorable intro? I will just look at my twitter and maybe I will be inspired. Instead I found that I had forgotten all of these sentences I had posted. These thoughts that I had had. Pretty weird. I started one just as a place to put thoughts and not really to use a social tool. So I thought I would share it here once. Take care.