.FOOrD BLOOrG. Cheers, me wee babes!!! (EPIC EDITION)

I will always be one of the first people to admit that there is great evil in this world. (Whoa, that isn't funny...nice intro. eh?) It is a realization I had early in my life and I doubt that I am alone. As a child there are monsters under beds and ghosts within attics. (Evil stalks your elementary school halls mocking anyone short, fat, or tall.) I used to pretend that if I didn't climb the stairs fast enough than the devil got my soul. (That is not a joke.) However when those stairs had been ascended there was cause for celebration and everyone celebrates differently. Yet in gatherings it is customary to cheers toward what is to come or friendships that have been made and fourties are tipped to fallen friends. We are going to focus on the cheers today. (You can tip your super sip to the canceling of Smurfs in your own time machine.)

My point is innocence can be hell and the road to being an adult is often paved with tombstones of those less fortunate. By the time you are an adult you should celebrate any chance you get. Cheers your friends and be exhaulted by them in return. Today we will be looking at some adult beverages and in doing so I would like to propose a toast to you and yours that you hold dear. (3 out of 5 of these do contain alcohol and I ain't saying that is needed to celebrate or have fun. You do what is best for you....Like drink a chard milkshake or clap at each other while one does a sit up.....I don't know you. I ain't judging. Cheers to you and your freaky healthy ways.) I am just drippin' knowledge here. 

Lastly I'd like to quote the wisdom of the mighty Winona Ryder "Lick it up, baby. Lick it up."~Heathers

So first up this fine day/night (depending on when you read this) is a Yuzu Citrus Sake. Yuzu is kinda a half lemon half tangerine fruit. (Sorta.) Sake is a wine derived from fermented rice. (Pretty much.) Sarah found this for a dinner we were having but throughout the evening it got lost in the shuffle of our fridge. For weeks it sat in the door awaiting judgement. See, neither of us has ever had good sake. (Sake we thought was good. Not to be confused with the good sake a friend forces on you which you try begrudgingly and it tastes like an accidentally twice used towel in a sauna. Ewe, stranger nooks and crannies!)

Now before we get to the night of judgement lets us take a closer look.

First you might notice the traditional drinking vessels for sake have been replaced with shot glasses and then you might notice that there are three. Next you might notice that there is a cap from a Sodastream in the shot as well as our sink. Interesting things to include in a photo, yes? Well all of these things are clues to when we tried this drink. The three glasses are because Dave helped us with this one and of course Sarah and I. The type of glasses and odd who gives a funk photo style are because it was 2:30 am on a saturday....er..sunday. We had been cheersing.

Now to be honest, I don't directly recall what it tasted like other than it was not good. I have stared at these pictures and nothing really comes to mind. So, being resourceful, I texted D and he replied "I barely remember drinking it. I remember not being impressed." Hmmm. Not the best reviews so far. 2 out of three have little to contribute. S had better recall more than this. Luckily she did. "It tasted bad. Like rotten rice and vinegar." That was when I remembered that it did taste like rotten vinegar. A cloud opened in my head and I could see me making the Mr. Yuck face. Alright. We did it. Not exactly an engrossing review but the path to get there was a lot of fun. If you don't believe me just ask D or me about our new best friend Popsicle Tompkins. I will give this drink a 1-I always expect cheers for taking a shower because I hate showers (not because I am a hippie, it is because I hate shaving my face but not as much as I hate looking like that dwarf in LOTR "And my Axe (body spray)").-out of 5.

Next we have a big beer. A big expensive beer. Somehow the beer.wine people at upscale super markets see me coming and they just throw out buzz words until one sticks. Well this beer was almost 11 dollars. All it took was for them to tell me it was imported from the italian alps. I don't know if there even are alps in Italy or if that is a figure of speech. "Oh, Mount Hood is the Oregonian Alp." Like a sucker though I had to get it. I knew if it wasn't good that I would be bummed because there was so much of it. Then I thought "easy I will wait until D comes over and then we shall devastate it." I didn't wait though.
I opened it and here is how it went

The beer had a light pilsner type of oder and a hint of dirty sponge. Damn. I thought it might be skunky or really tinny but I forgot that some wheat beers taste like dirty sponges to S and I. Luckily the taste wasn't as brutal as I had thought. The flavor was more like an upscale pilsner but there was something that I just couldn't put my finger on that I really wasn't grooving on. There were 3 or four kinds. Maybe I should have got a different one but if you make an 11 dollar beer not everyone can buy them all at once. Do I recommend buying it? Not really. By a bottle of italian wine at the wine shop on Hawthorne. Same price or cheaper and far more enjoyable. (I guess you do have to pay the price of idiots on Hawthorne though. I think the only thing people should be legally able to give a street musician (other than the finger obviously) is a flyer for an open mic. That way they can quit forcing people to listen to their awful versions of already bad songs. I mean dude, nobody is going to by your sh*tty pucca shell anklet no matter how much pain you sound like you are in. Oh, I forgot to tell you that the open mic is in the ocean. In the part of the ocean where the sharks are. Just file street musicians under shark part of ocean, please.)

Oh yes, the biere. 2(for being moderately drinkable)-It is always acceptable to cheers a scatological joke especially of somebody doesn't get your joke and double points if it is in public.-out of 5.

This beverage was found while we were on Alberta with K, E, & Z. It was acquired while we couldn't be home and they took kindness on our nomadic souls. (That sounds weird.) We easily cheers the most with K&E. We often laugh until we cry and they K and I sit on a porch and fillet life and its misgivings while S and E have a dance party. Try and tell me that isn't worth a never ending cheers. Just like Never Ending Story but with out the wolf, rock guy, turtle, flying dog and that girly looking kid. Same thing other wise.

Anyway, there is a wine/beer store on Alberta and the guy was quite nice and approachable but also fine if you just want to browse. On my own I found this odd bottle and once I read that it contains cherry I had to get it. See, there are some flemish ales that I love. It is kinda like if Sweetarts and beer had a baby. (If you know me, you understand what I just said. CHEERS!) So I kinda expected a lot from this. I know that isn't fair. We just met, this beer and I, but I still have to project my sh*t on it and bring all this snack baggage. Hey, life isn't a fair. (That is a saying right? I am not known for listening.)

Wow, this thing is darker than I thought.  It had a nice effervescence to it and a fruity aroma. My first sip revealed a mega cherry flavor. A deep, tart, intoxicating flavor. That being said, it is probably best if you order this (what are you a king?) or buy it that you enjoy cherry flavor. The beer side of things is solid but the tart cherry flavor is the dominator here. Also this beverage rings in at 8 percent. I'd say a little goes a long way. I'd also say "MMMMMMMMMMM" because it was fantastic. If you or someone you cheers likes fruit and beer combinations then acquire this post haste. 5-I only cheers test scores ranging from 69%- 78%. Hey, we don't need no show boating. You upper 80s and 90 percenters are just braggarts and philistines. Mid range is human. Anything above is a sign they are a witch and should be burned or filed under shark part of ocean with their stinky street musician brethren.-out of 5.

Ok, I know we usually only cover three snacks a post but here we are at four. We need a boost of energy and luckily we have an energy drink that our good pal Nate not only found but shipped to me for this blog. That is worthy of at least a month of stone cold muh fuggin CHEEERSSSSSSIN!!! (What? He is a super cool guy. Sup Dawg. (No he doesn't have a dog.)) Look at how bad ass this label is. I mean most energy drinks just go for script or have somebody doing an active activity like soccer or football (same thing) but look at this thing. A COW SKULL? Seriously? With a friggin' eagle on it? And look in the background. Is that flippin' MARS?!?! Is Mars glistening? WTF Is happening on this drink? Will I go insane on this space shaman pop? (All of this and more....well, just keep reading.)

This was found at an asian market I believe. I have seen it as well at Fubonn but have never purchased it. Nate put it in my hands and so here we go.

Well first let us look at the ingredients. Hmm. Yup. Alright. Oh, very interesting.

Energy drinks are like the fortune tellers of the pee world. You know? They have that odd yellow kind of motor oil color and smell like the medicine meth kids would take to avoid colds. An hour after you drink it, your pee looks and smells the same. I mean, what is it that makes all energy drinks have that smell and odd taste? Who decided that was awesome? Regardless this energy drink tastes like any other energy drink. The only odd thing about it is that it has little to no carbonation. Which is rather unsettling. Any flat beverage that you anticipate having bubbles is pretty sad. The flavor is dead on energy drink though. Flat weird labeled energy drink that says "EXPORT ONLY" on the bottle. Now if they only want it served outside of their country you KNOW it must be good. I give this weird drink a 2-I will cheers anyone who randomly does a cartwheel. Although as one gets older it is sometimes better to just mention a cartwheel and remember.-out of 5. (Double cheers apply if cartwheel is done inside a bank or credit union.)

Lastly we have a tiny soda hailing from Winco because poor people need to cheers things as well. (I mean the only Cheers a poor person has is the knock off Chearz detergent to get the mustard stains out their droors.) . . . (Wait, why did they have mustard on their drawers? Oh, they were making night sandwiches in their skibbys probably. Ok, carry on) ...(Wait, why do I think I get to make fun of poor people? I am poor.-sigh)

Lets start over. This soda was like 19 cents or something ridiculous. Now again, I am all for small soda servings. Little kids don't need a 12 ounce soda. They maybe need 4 ounces and some Sweetarts. Maybe. Or maybe just Sweetarts. Yeah, that sounds better. BUT if you must by a soda why not a tiny one? Here is a picture just to show scale.

Now a small soda is a legit idea in my opinion. I am not a soda drinker though. I drink coffee, beer/wine/gin, and water. (Most likely in that order.) Giant sodas don't make sense to me. When people walk out of a 7-11 with a bucket of pop, I think to myself "That is probably for a whole family of ten. Not just for them to take to a chair somewhere and consume by themselves in the dark... in a nest of Doritos and Combos bags." I give them the benefit of the doubt. I am a giver.

I drink coffee black. Others might say "gross" to that because they only like coffee with cream and sugar and ice cream. To that my reply is "You don't like coffee. You like milkshakes. Go drink a milkshake. You are holding up the line ordering your weird ass sh*t that is so thick somebody had to specially engineer a larger sized straw. While I appreciate you creating a job for that engineer/imagineer I have to point out the flaw in your logic. You don't need that milkshake to wake up but you do need that to pave the way for diabetes.

I recently saw a commercial for a product that you add to plain frosting and suddenly you have that flavor for your cake. Well, the first one was like strawberry or something and I thought that wasn't unreasonable. Then they said CINNAMON ROLL! Suddenly my mind snapped. I thought "Who is this person eating cake and was like "This cake is OK but I sure wish it was a cinnamon roll." "(Can you use quotes inside quotes?) HOW ABOUT YOU EAT YOUR G.D. CAKE AND ENJOY IT FOR BEING CAKE. Besides what is the difference between cake and cinnamon rolls? CINNAMON. Be a frickin' genius and put cinnamon on your cake if it matters to you so much. Still not enough? Pour some butter on it. Hey, eventually you will get it right or die trying. Either way, that product and the IDEA that maybe they have received enough letters to create this, and you ARE stupid. Proof that evolution has stopped quickly in its tracks and is wheezing on the floor watching what ever it is a Kardashian does. Proof that if you aren't part of the problem and are around to watch the world burn, you will probably smell over done french toast.

How was the soda? Not bad. A sweet apple flavor with a soft amount of carbonation. Not syrupy as some sodas can be. Taking in where it is from and what it is I am surprised to say that I am ok with it.
The name, however, Fruti King? Seriously? Fruti...King. Nobody? What was King Fruity taken? I am going to be the bigger man here and not make any obvious jokes. I am just going to leave that to you. (If you have one message me it.)


I give it a 2.5-We cheers before every meal. Truth. It signifies thanks for whichever one of us made it and that we are enjoying it together not just stuffing our craws in close vicinity. Give it a try.-out of 5.

*As always thanks to my friends and lady for making this post possible. S, N, D, K, E. Cheers.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Bevies for a Barfly.

A friend of mine was recently telling me that he has an immense fear of metamorphosis. Yeah, you read that right. Like human into werewolf or Wilford Brimley into The Thing or caterpillar into butterfly. (Maybe not the last one so much.) In particular, the scene in 'An American Werewolf in London' really messed him up. The idea of bones stretching and bodies rearranging their order terrifies him. When he told me of this I was stunned. I had never thought of those types of transformations as scary in a real sense. Perhaps the idea of all the changes happening fast is where part of his fear lies. I am not sure. What I do know is that I also share this fear. Only the metamorphosis that I fear is a long drawn out process simply referred to as 'growing up'.

Don't worry, I am not freaked out or anything because there is a very good chance that at my age now I would have grown up some. I think it is safe to say that a candy loving, cartoon drawing, funny face making, silly dancing, strange voice talking, toy playing individual such as myself, might be impervious to such afflictions of the mind. Only time will tell. My words to you, dear friends, is fight it! Fight back with all your might! Build a fort in your living room. Fill out some Mad Libs. Wear your halloween costume anytime you want. Tell someone every single detail of something that they don't care about. (Pokemon) Tell anyone to watch you do something. (Jump off a chair or click your heels together or both) Ask your co-worker "how tall is your dad?"...then reply "Mine is taller." Eat too much candy. (Yeah, like that is possible.) You can do it! Remember your youth and pay it the respect it deserves. There are too many adults stressed out in the world already. But hey, since you are an adult, there is one popular way to relieve those stresses. Hiking. Oh, wait I meant drinking.

So first we have a chocolate pumpkin stout with cocoa nibs, cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg. This beverage came from The Belmont Station in PDX. There were a few different pumpkin beers to choose from and this one was the most expensive. At least that is how I remember it. It cost around 9.50 or so. I thought that it seemed like a special bevvy worthy of a post and I waited for the next time Dave came over. It is fall and they did take the time to metamorphosize a pumpkin into a beer. Luckily my wife (Sarah) was having a birthday gathering that weekend so I knew Dave (and any of our friends who are really awesome) would be coming over soon.

This son of a gun was dark and powerful. A little goes a long way for someone like myself. I mean, I will usually have one full flavor beer and then transition into lighter beer. (metamorphosis of beverage intake) So about four or six ounces of this was all I needed. Flavor wise it was full and deep with some spice notes but nothing like the label says. (Again, it could be my ignorant tongue. It is just so very stupid.) Dave also said that he didn't taste some of the spices. Maybe that is the point. A smooth blend without stand out prominence of spice. But I kind of doubt it. My guess is that the brew out weights the bouquet. . . brewquet. (see what I did there?) I would say, if you are interested in any aspect of this label or just dark beer then you should try it. Just find a buddy or two and make a memory. I give this beverage a 3-draw a picture of your house and who lives there in crayons-out of 5.

Up next we have cyder. But not any cider. This one is an Asian Pear cyder. (Huh, those three short sentences were meant to be epic. I don't think that worked out for me. I should probably erase them or at least stop narrating to you about them.) We were recently over at Sarah and Dave's elders home and Emm had this hard cyder which he busted out for us to try. I like his style. Always have.  Share your treats peeps. Share your treats. (Unless your treat is a Peep. Those things are grotesque. Grotesque is an adult way of saying 'I'd rather eat poo farts.)

Where was I? Oh yes, so Emm opened his cyder and we all had a taste. Frankly, it tasted like apple cyder. Sarah thought so and I agree. We didn't taste much pear at all. However, Dave and Emm totally did. Which is something I often find. What one person enjoys, another detests. It is like a natural balance in the world. I mean if everyone liked Sweetarts then the world would run out and I would have to be quite perturbed. (Perturbed is adult speak for throwing yourself onto the ground and flailing your limbs and screaming words that nobody can make out until you accidentally hit your heel on something and then you are really crying and can only feel foolish because you secretly knew this whole tantrum wasn't going to result in you getting what you want in the first place.) 

Was this a bad cyder? Nope. Yet, it wasn't mind blowing either. I don't drink a ton of cyders. In fact I had a cyder a week ago and it was the first one I have had in a decade or so. I will say this though, the one I had a week ago was syrupy and coated my mouth with not greatness. This did not. It was light and fruity and not overly sweet. I give this beverage a 3.5- jump on your bed and sing into a hair brush-out of  5. 

Holy smokes. (Where did that saying come from? Did jesus have his own tobacco line at some time?) Well, we have come full circle with this whole metamorphosis post. We end with a beer called "MORPHO'  which is brewed with yerba mate, hibiscus flowers and bay leaves. I came across this beer when Sarah and I were on that same trip to Belmont Station. Pretty much anytime I see a beer brewed with herbs I have to get it. So I did and then, once again, when Dave and our good pal Caleb were over I opened it up and we gave it a taste.

Weird. Is a simple way to wrap it up. The beer is a light amber color and smooth at first. Then the mate and herbs come to the party. The herbs are the last to leave the party which isn't terrible but it is thought provoking. I found myself contemplating each drink. Just sitting and thinking about what was happening on my taste buds. That is when Caleb dropped some "real" on me. He said "Oh man, this would be great with lemonade." I had never even thought of it as an ingredient but he was totally right. Buy this beer and share it with friends. It is well made and quite interesting. (I couldn't drink more than a glass.) Then mix it in a glass 70% Morpho and 30% lemonade (I like my lemonade like I like to dress- as fresh as possible). The result is a refreshing, herbaceous, tart beverage. Yum. Who doesn't love lemon and herbs right? (A kid would tell you that 'buttfaces don't.')....(and he'd be right.) I give this meta-MORPHO-sis a 4-get up on a chair and tell everyone around you that the floor is lava-out of 5.

It looks more red because of the red bottom on the glass. Oops.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Beat the heat (to death and eat its face meats!!!!)

Is the title too intense? I can't tell. This time of year it tends to get hotter and that entails some tricks to help me cope with a rise in my internal temperature. If that help doesn't arrive on time I may react a tad on the extreme side of things and I may seem like I am melting and/or dying. At that point I may demand retribution. (which is confusing for most around me at the time.) I know I have warned you all of this before but in an effort to better flesh out the resistance tactics against the evil sun, here are some other ways to beat the heat....or not.

The first style of defense is BEER!!!
You might be thinking I picked this because of the label. Ok I did. I can't help it! It is in my goth/industrial blood that I am drawn to boneyards and decay. You say tomato and I say grim reaper, I can't shake it so why not embrace it.?. Really this label looks more like an Enigma album cover than a good goth record but whatever. You can see in the bottom of the picture that the alcohol content is 11.5. Normally I really dislike anything over 7 or so but this was delicious!

It is not too dark but it is plenty complex. I had a picture of the side label but it was far too blurry to include. It did have a ton of information about berry notes, chocolate, etc... A long list.

I couldn't make out any individually but the flavor was far more sophisticated than most darker ales I have had. Being that I don't drink a bunch of dark beers, I couldn't finish it. The richness and weight ultimately was too much for me. If it was a really hot day I don't think this would be refreshing unless you were about to lay down in a hammock and take a nap. I give this beer a 3 why do hipsters make shorts out of dress pants and wear deck shoes, out of 5. Next!!!
This peculiar little guy was found at my local asian mart that I gladly shop at rather than our extra methy Plaid Pantry. Seriously that Plaid is terrifying. So there I was staring at the beer selection when I saw something new.?. That is weird because he has had the same options forever. This intrigued me and I couldn't stop coming back to it so I picked up a six pack. Yes, you could only buy a six pack. A gamble to say the least on a blueberry beer.

The flavor is pleasant. It isn't light which helps it to not taste like a wine cooler or a fourloko. You taste the lager first, I'd say amber maybe?, then you taste the blueberry but it isn't super crazy or too sweet. Overall, a really descent fruit beer and yes I did finish it and the other five. On separate nights though. One is fine but more could result in less than favorable results. I give this beer a 4 stretch pants are not to be worn as pants, out of five. Next up: Heat!
It is a strange concept but one way that people around the world beat the heat is by consuming spicy foods which makes the body sweat and cools it down. Yeah, I didn't make it up. That is what they are doing. These little snack rings are Habanero flavored chips from Japan. My favorite was their ghost chili rings but they discontinued them. (Sarah and I have a suspicion that anytime we like something it gets discontinued or destroyed. Recently both of our favorite restaurants have gone that way.)

Now if something says Habanero on it, it needs to bring the heat. I love habaneros! They are hot but have citrus notes. Mmmmmmm two of my favorite things. Sadly these chips have neither. I mean, really the flavor could be just spice. The heat factor was really nonexistent. What? Ok, that sh*t might fly with a chip marked hot or spicy but this snack has an army of freaking peppers on it and they look EVIL! PSTSHHHHH! This bag should have a picture of butterflies and kittens holding hands and kissing your tongue because that is more what it tastes like. (Note: that has never happened to me. It is just sunny and I warned you about the over dramatizing things.) I give this "hot" snack a 1 shorts that short are actually just panties, out of five.
Sarah got me these while she was in SF (best wife eva!) but I imagine you could find a similar item in a mexican grocer. (in their store not in the actual grocer. ewe....) They are HABANERO peanuts!!!!!!
Just look at that peanut! He is either in the middle of singing like a song about how weird it is to have arms and legs but not a body or his mouth is super hot from eating spicy peanuts....either way that is odd right??? I mean, he is a spicy peanut. Huh....

Well, no. This snack is even more of a letdown. How could it be such a letdown? Well not only is it not spicy but when you pour them into your hands, they look like they are covered in hot powder. Only when you put them in your mouth they just taste like lemons. Yeah, friggin lemons! You know what you never see in the peanut butter section of your supermarket? Peanut lemon butter. BECAUSE IT S-U-C-K-S!!!! Seriously, who are these people and what is wrong with their mouths??? Buying these and then tasting them is like joining columbia music house for a penny and then realizing 14 cds for 1 cent isn't a deal when those 14 cds are mostly Richard Marx and Jodeci cds. I give these sour nuts a 1 so glad I get to see so many sun bleached prison tats in my neighborhood out of 5.

Which brings me to my best idea to beat the heat. It is a mutant child of two of my favorite things:
Yes, the sodastream is awesome. If you drink carbonated water, you need this. It is under a hundred bucks and we have already saved that between the two of us. AND-
Cold extract coffee!! Basically you take a pound of coffee put it in a things with ten cups of water and let it brew in the fridge for 12 hours. Then run it thru a filter into this carafe. It creates a coffee concentrate that is both robust and non-acidic. I love this stuff.

Now think of this drink like this: You know in the remake of The Fly when Jeff Goldblum and the fly go into the teleporter and then they come out fused??
KABOOOOM!!!! I give you sparkling iced coffee!!! Simply prepare your sodastream liquid and add it to a glass of your cold extract coffee. The ratio is one third extract to 2/3rds sparkling water. Yummm! I give this drink a 5 bad songs playing loud out of cars with their windows rolled down out of 5.

So there you go, good luck out there. Remember to wear your sunscreen and non-opened toed shoes. Come on! Really? ugh.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Drinkypants or Drunkypoo?

It is time again for an ever so informative look at bevvies! Beerlicious bevies! (I know beerlicious is not a word but it really should be.) No fancy pants talky talkin' just down to the brass tax beer speak. Seriously this is a weak post for sure but here it is anyway.

These were all selected by Sarah and I at Belmont Station......on Belmont.

First up-}This was selected by Sarah because it has a bird eating a person on the label. How can you go wrong with that? Trick question. You can't. Things eating people is my favorite genre of cinema. (I know that isn't a real genre but it should be!) This beer was an amberish color and had a slight caramel/soy sauce flavor situation. It was not bad at all. Not incredible but not bad. Lets face it, the label is the best part though. Okay lets keep moving-}
dreamy.....
I picked this one and Sarah drank it. Seriously, I had a drink of it and was unsure of the wheat vs. raspberry flavor. So I passed the beer to Sarah to try and she liked it so much she drank it. So I can't say much about this one. Sarah, however, quite enjoyed it. If you like beer with lemonade in it or any of the beer with a 50-50 fruit to beer ratio than I'd bet you'd like this.
Ok, I have no idea what I thought about this. I remember very little about it. The only thing I recall is that it tasted like tin and a slight maple syrup taste. Sorry about that but hey I warned you that this was a pretty poorly done beer post. Lastly, we have-
Alright, I know. That is the worst picture of a beer label that I have ever posted. I agree. But there is a reason.
This was on the majority of the label. Sarah found this one in the sale section. Who doesn't love a deal right? Plus look at the description on the back!

Sounds promising right? But when I opened it, it did this-
For like 10 minutes it had a slow river of foam trailing from the top of it. I have never seen a beer do that before. It wasn't shaken up and had been chilling in our fridge for over a week. Weird. How was it? Pretty darn good. This was like a 10.5 alcohol content so I expected to hate it but it didn't taste boozy at all. Rather than the usual soy sauce notes this one had more carmalized fruit leather situations. I found it pretty rich though and had to retire it after 3/4. Which since the first fourth poured itself out that means I enjoyed half of it. Regardless, if it is on sale give it a try. The end.

p.s. The answer is drinkypants. Nobody likes drunkypoo.

.FOOrD BLOrG. You gots ta chill!!!

Well well well, sun. So we meet again. I don't quite recall our exact last encounter but I do remember the smell of Banana Boat's 50 SPF lingering in the air. Oh yes, in recent years I have learned from our encounters. Each battle has tested my metal and taught me of your cruel unforgiving ways. Every scene of struggle has lead me to new weapons and tactics for our chess like conflicts. So beware "Sun" if that is your real name. (I have always suspected it was really Larry. Come on, name one good Larry that you actually know. I thought so. Oh and the one you just thought of doesn't count because he has that thing.)

The days are over where I just hide in a cave bunker during your brief but evil reign which some call summer. I have grown adventurous because my wife is somewhat of a "Larry" baby. (That sounded weird.... you know I mean sun baby right?) In the past it has been so drastic that she would walk on the side of a walkway while I cling to the side of a building so I might avoid its evil burning rays. True story. She even bought me not one but two sun shields for my side of the car. (Secret fact: One has Alf on it. HA!) However one cannot live that way forever and I have no intention for my wife to be married to a shut it and miss out on ADVENTURES!!!! So much like Batman (He is nocturnal right?) I have aquired tools to aid me through the deathbed of sunshine's scalding embrace. At first it was just good ole sunscreen and then we added a 20 ounce iced americano to sweeten the deal. However one can always plump up their utility belt....huh. Stock up? Anyway, today we shall discuss three possible new friends to join my cause. First up, Mr. Q Cumber!
Okay, I will just address the big white pornographic elephant in the room and say for all of us what is quite obvious- this drink sounds like a 1970's skin flick. Like you would see this on a marquee in Times Square as De Niro drives his taxi. (Sure wish I could recall the name of that film...)

This drink was found in just an average grocery store. We found it in Safeway and I instantly thought it sounded delicious! What I forgot is that most people like their beverages to taste like they are about 50 percent cake. Sure enough, one of the top ingredients is corn syrup. -SIGH. I mean come on people! It is cucumber sparkling water! Isn't that enough? Nope, those fatmouths involved in the recipe thought it needed cake shoved in there. So this was not great for me. Too sweet. I love candy and I love sparkling water but not together. ( What a bunch of cake lovin' Larrys!) As always, Dave came by and finished it. (Secret fact #2: He brought me some treats from his recent trip to Seattle. Dave is a hell of a dude!)
Now this I have talked about before because it is friggin' delicious!!!!! Man oh man this brewery is awesome! One of both Dave (hell of a dude) and I's faves. In fact Dave (h.o.a.d) and Sarah recently went to the brewery and had a sampler of their beers. Yeah. Rad. And get this, one had smoked oyster shells in the process. Yeah!?! What? Who makes these beers? A bunch of neon wielding wizards who's every graceful heel click makes the gods envious? Probably. That is my guess anyway. What did the gods make but one bitter blogger and one big annoying Larry? Right?..... Yes. I am right. Also I'd like to add that if you haven't had this you can find it all over but at Pasta Works on Hawthorne you can get an individual can for about $1.50. Trust me, if you buy the whole four pack-you will drink the whole four pack. These are that bodacious. Yep. Bodacious. This little friend may join me on the battlefield at dusk anytime. Side by side we shall fight back the cruel summer! (cue: Bananarama song not the cover by Ace of Base. And don't ask why I know that.)
Lastly we shall chew the fat about....er. Talk about is Ruby Jewel ice cream 'Pineapple Basil'. Yes, I realize that the photo looks a tad on the racist side but I assure you that the full logo is Ruby Jewel. I know that they have shops around the states at least on the left side of the states but this was found at Pastaworks for around 5 dollars. Is it worth it? YEPPERS!

This stuff doesn't taste like ice cream?!? It is like a gellato or sorbet or something. Which is good since the heavy milk base of ice cream would funk up the pineapple basil flavors. Some of you fatmouths might like that but not me. The flavor is fruity up front and herby in the rear. (you are making it sound that way not me...) Perfect. Trust me when I say that you should, nay, NEED TO, get some of this!! It is not listed on their website as a flavor so I bet it is a limited batch. Either way, find it. Now. This mighty beast may ride beside me through the theatre of war as we dispatch many a foe. In any case the war shall rage on as both these opponents attempt to best each other no doubt until death but today maybe you made a few friends. A few friends to help you stay cool this summer. That is important, I know because so many people wrote it in our autograph books in elementary and middle school. "Stay cool!"

*fatmouths- is in noway a hurtful term for people of a challenged weight. It is my term for people who like the fatty mouth feel of cream, butter, butter cream, etc.... So quit picking on people bigger than you. You look like a q-tip in a Big Dog tank top.

.FOOrD BLOrG. drink it...or don't. Part 2 (100th post)

Yes this is the one hundredth post on my nonsensical blog. In order to celebrate I say we have a drink....or three. Literally three different drinks shall be discussed within this epic 100th post. (There really is no epic anything about this but what do you care? Either way you are passing time on the interweb.) In all of the immense success of this blog and my 42 billion followers somehow I have managed to maintain a level head. Yes, looking back over the years there have been some good times, some bad times, and some really bad times for my mouth. Also some bad times for my friends mouths. It is to those brave souls to which I'd like to dedicate this post. Without friends to endure the things that I become obsessed with I would just be a shut in who likes to try weird things. So belly up to the bar and lets tip one out for my homies.Recently Dave (radtastic brother in law, Sarah (best wife award winner every year for 5 years straight) and I went to New Seasons and I bought this Porter. So what right? Well I bought it for the next time Dave came over because I wanted to try it but I had a sinking feeling I would hate it and Dave is really good about not wasting things. (Nice run on sentence) The reason why I thought I'd find it gross is revealed in the photo below-
See, I don't like black licorice. I am not racist I just think that flavor is terrible. (Remember the salt licorice post?) However, I thought I should try it and see how it is used in this beverage and how it pairs with a porter. It smelled like an average porter which is fine. I don't mind a porter at all in fact what else says winter like a big pint of porter? I guess, snow, santa, skiing, but those have a far lower alcohol content than a porter. The taste was not for me. Sarah didn't care for it either. It was like somebody ate black licorice and then mouthed my beer right before my drink. The flavor went like this: mmm, hmmm, ah black licorice. A three step palate parade ending with a handshake never to return. I didn't need a second drink to confirm that this was not for me. I took one sure but I didn't enjoy it.

Once we began passing this around we also began discussing if it was being served at the right temperature. Dave thought it should be warmer and upon further investigation he was correct. I thought colder was better in order to hide the flavor accents that I bought this to try. (I know that makes no sense.) As it warmed it opened up like a chilled wine. Different notes come forward. I don't like this drink but Dave finished it and Emmit liked it. I think ultimately if you like porter than give it a try. It is worth the 2.50 for the conversation. Next!
Sarah bought this at a produce market up the street from our home in SE PDX. The flavor was Cactus Honey. (Sound enticing?) The price was 50 cents. (Sound like a warning?)

Here is a tip for you, anything gourmet that is on sale is most likely not "gourmet". Now sure, there are exceptions like perishables but if it is a product on a shelf not so much. Another tip is that sometimes you get what you pay for and 50 cents is not a good price for a flavored gourmet drink. How was it? SICK. Sarah and I both thought it was undrinkable. Sarah was super thirsty and drank one sip and I had the same experience. What did it taste like exactly? Hmmm, how to put this....... It tasted like the dusty inside of a used shoe box-with cheap honey flavor!!!! The honey part made the poor quality of flavoring stick in your mouth. Normally I don't discourage people from trying a product but this one is a DO NOT. For it IS ripe. Next-
This beverage was a gift from Dave for christmas. Ok, I know this is 3 months later but look at that label in the photo. That sounds disgusting. Don't get me wrong, my favorite part of this project is when people (so far Sarah and Dave) give me something to write about. It is that thought of them seeing something and thinking of me. It is so nice. Sort of fitting that most of the finds are real wild cards as well. (Just saying) So the six pack (yes, I have five more in the fridge) has been chilling in the icebox until today. I was hesitant but I knew that this beverage should be a part of this 100th post. So I popped the cap off and had the Matuey experience.

It smelled like Raisin Bran. Wet raisin bran. I am not making stuff up at all. This business smells like straight up wet raisin bran. It was at this point that I really was rethinking drinking this beverage but I had to persist. (cue epic music) In the names of all those friends who rely on me to try something new every week. To provide a brief distraction from their weekly doldrums! I CAN NOT FAIL.

It tasted like if you squeezed wet raisin bran into a glass and drank it. -sigh. So very aweful. If that sounds like your thing then message me because I have 5 more. I would pour them down the toilet but that seems like an insult to the poo and pee already in the sewer. Seriously, poo and pee, you owe me one. (Not one poo or pee. Just to clarify. In fact you don't owe me one of anything....you are just welcome.) Lastly, kudos to you for taking a moment to peruse my BLOrG. You three people I hope get at least an occasional chuckle out of this hobby of mine. Cheers to you. See you at the 200 mark.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Beerzie Giftzie!

My manrageous bro in law brought me this beer this presidents day. What a nice surprise. Who doesn't want to drink something named after a place where men go and handle things and not wash their hands. Seriously, as a male who once in awhile has to urinate, I know that if you have ever touched a door knob in a mens room you have touched at least 1000 penises. Fact checked. Now, I didn't wait and see a thousand men not wash their hands but think on average hom many people use a public restroom in a day. Now think about who cleans that restroom and how thorough those standards are kept in check. You want to know what the real kicker here is? The more sports loving, sexist, queer hating, junk scratching, manly men wash their hands the least meaning they have literally touched millions of each others man bits. If they thought about it then they'd have to kick their own buttocks. (*just cuz I called my bro in law manrageous doesn't mean he doesn't wash his hands. I bet he is such a gentleman he washes his hands as well a others hands for them.)

Oh yea, the beer: it is a red ale. I like red ales. I have had about 20 types and this is in the top 5.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Beerziez! From other lands.....hmmm.

Anyone who knows me, like really knows me, knows that I enjoy a beer from time to time. Sometimes that enjoyment sends me into a search for new or well, just different types of said beverage. Which is an odd thing because it is like saying 'oh, I like beer but would really like to not know how it will taste.' Which really is weird. You know what it is like? Its like pooping with your arms over your head. Partly familiar and partly really confusing. You don't know what I am talking about? Try it once. Everything from the nipples down is business as usual and then your brain is like 'really? arms in the air? are we celebrating? Confusing. But don't try it too many times or everytime you are on a rollercoaster you will boom boom in your britches. (which you may or may not do anyway...) also if you are at a football game and the wave comes around....not cool. What were we talking about? Oh yea, beers.....from Russia. (not with love)Clearly the first beer I purchased here is because it is named for a downed horse in the first Kentucky Derby. (that isn't true)....(but it could be) Truth be told these three beers were found at a Russian grocery store in far out SE PDX. This beer was SKUNKY. Ick. I really don't like skunky beers. I don't smoke weed and don't want beverages that taste like how weed smells. Who are these people who do? If you do then please let me know. I don't get it. Next!
Ok so, Golden Pheasant....nice name. This sounds classy and could be better. Right? Nope, at this point I think there is a good reason Russia isn't known for its beer. In fact the top three exports are 1. oil. 2. aluminum. 3. steel products. Are you bored yet? Because boredom is number 4. (also not true) Beer is nowhere near the top of the list. This beer was forgettable but almost ok. Almost. This is the only one of all three that I finished. That is more we can say for Zartucky Gus in the derby. (he was shot).......(remember, not really)
Here we are with the last one. Look at the label. It looks like a hobo beer. 8%...um, that is pretty close to hobo beer. For all I know, in Russia, this is hobo beer. (but in russia hobo beer drinks you!- Yakov Smirnoff)...(not really) This demon beer was revolting. I drank a quarter of it and it went from cold kinda like Steel Reserve to that with a weird cream flavor. Sick. Disgusting. Revolting. I should no better. I should and to be honest, I kinda did but for the sake of having a Russian trinity of brews I bought it. Look here is the brass tax here. Russia makes beer like mexico makes candy- like they don't know it goes in your mouth where your tastebuds are. That simply has to be it. TAA-DAA!!!! (you are welcome)....(that is true).

.FOOrD BLOrG. My new favorite libation!!!

Let me start off this post by admitting that I have been thinking of stopping the blorg and going back to only illustrations. I thought this would be enjoyed by more people but I haven't heard much from anyone about even finding these little eats and drinks interesting. But if you are the one person who enjoys it don't fret I still have a few great things to report on. Now on to this impromptu post about my new passion in life. Flemish sour ales.

This is the first sour ale I found and I found it at Pastaworks on Hawthorne. It was 4 dollars for one 12 ounce bottle. Spendy? Yes. Worth it? Yes. I had heard about this type of beer but never sought it out because I heard that it has alot of cherry flavor and I don't like cherries. There are an impressive amount of information about the production of sour ales or beers online so I won't bother you with that because all you need to know is IT IS GOOD!

1- slight sweet nose.

2-Whoa. I was expecting a beery flavored beer. Not even close. A thin mouth feel not big bodied or foamy. Tiny bubbles enhance the light sour flavor.

3-This is like champagne almost. Sinfully delicious. It is good that this is only 5% alcohol because this goes down smooth. Being that it is so very refreshing and the complexity is so intriguing and sour that the second the flavor recedes from your pallette you go back for another drink.

This beverage was good but I had my sights set on the grandaddy of sour ales. See there is one place where they age the beer in giant casks and they are renouned for their beer craft. I am referring to Rodenbach. We made a special trip to Beer Mongers on Division and 12th and purchased the limited edition 2007 in a beautiful champagne type bottle for 16 bones.

Holy crap! If you are thinking that 16 bux is too much you are sooooo wrong. Ok so here is the thing, I like drinking beer because it is cold and refreshing. That is why I choose it over wine every time. You might be saying 'well, white wine is served cold." Yes, but my palette doesn't find white wine enjoyable. Champagne however is good BUT a sparkling red blows my mind. Rodenbach is like beer plus sparkling red. It is heavenly. If I was rich I would have this in my fridge at all times. This bevvy is sooo good that I just stood in the kitchen with my good friend Keith and we just stared at our glasses in between drinks of it. 16 dollars to share something special with friends is worth every penny. If you don't agree then chances are you are an a-hole. Sorry you had to find out that from a food blog.

Normally this is where I would break down the experience but there is no point. If you are still reading this buy it for yourself you deserve it and if you have a friend who likes beer or fine wine buy it for them. The flavor is sour yet complex with cranberry, cherry, oak notes....or something....I can't think about it anymore I am making myself drink crazy!!!!!!whew....sorry. Till next time.

.FOOrD BLOrG. KIDS BEER!!!!!!!!

Yes my friends drink it all in! Your eyes are not deceiving you. There on that can is a little kid with what looks like a beer. Finally there is a beverage fit to wash down those chalky candy cigarets. KIDS BEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I apologize for the excessive punctuation but I am quite excited that this product is real...and of course from Japan. The story is that this beverage was created so that kids could drink what looks like beer while their fathers drink real beer.
So it was designed to look like, pour, and foam like beer but for kids. Lets say it together 'KIDS BEER!' Feels good doesn't it. Well, down the hatch:

1-It smells like apple cider.

2-It tastes slightly of apples with a hint of bubblegum.

3-What surprises me about this is that it isn't too sweet and the bubbles are really subtle.

4-Not much of a lingering.....Hold on, you've got to look at this kid's face holding the beer.
He is just so happy. Look at him. 'Yea I am drinking beer for kids!!' Thats what I imagine he is saying...cuz thats what I am saying! Now that I think about it why isn't sparkling cider called kids champagne? Thats what adults have used it for on New Years and at weddings for years. Now we just need kids weed because Smarties are already kids cocaine. Not to mention Pixie stixs and the list goes on.....But I think what we really need to focus on here is that as parents we model behavior for our children. So if you are drinking around your children while they drink their kids beer please do so in moderation. No not because it sets a bad example otherwise but because your kids will be super chubby from all that soda. Then when they go to school kids will make fun of them. Which will happen because kids are real mean. (mainly because your soul doesn't form until you are 25) Then your kid will come home feeling bad and reach for a cold kids beer to take the edge off and there you are with a vicious cycle. So please do what this company did and think of the kids.