.FOOrD BLOrG. Ordinary Coffee Blog Post.

"Harry, I am going to let you in on a little secret. Everyday, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it. Don't wait for it. Just let it happen. It could be a new shirt at the men's store, a cat nap in your office chair or two cups of hot black coffee. Like this."- Dale Cooper

Truer words have rarely been spoken. Not only am I a huge fan of treating ones self but I am an immense fan of coffee. In fact, our home has not one but many ways of creating coffee. Ranging from the espresso machine, cold extract, or the french press. To the old fashioned coffee pot or percolator. While I may like to make coffee in many ways I take it only one way.

"I like my coffee black just like my metal."-J. Urine

This is my most expensive post ever!!!!!! (In theory)

Technically speaking the second half was a gift but we will get to that.

First we need to discuss this-

Incase you didn't know, David Lynch has a coffee that you can buy online. Luckily I have an awesome wife, who with the help of some wine, bought this coffee even though the shipping was more than the coffee. I don't care about that. Treat yourself, right?

This could be tricky, I mean what if it isn't even coffee. What if you get it and a one eyed dove hobbles out of the box and bums a cigarette from you. You couldn't really return it because in some transcendental way that "is" David Lynch coffee. We don't know. I mean the dude paints with rotting meat. (By the way, he just released a full album and it is really a doozy. Check it out!) My point is that between Sarah and I we have many of his various ventures and the collection wouldn't be complete with out the cup of joe. We have had many late night conversations with friends about his films and symbolism and what not. So one would expect that his coffee would be a bit different. And that one would be right.

How does it taste?

"I've had I don't know how many cups of coffee in my life, but this is one of the best." -Dale Cooper

That is a quote about another coffee. This coffee was not the best. Nor did it taste like there was a fish in the percolator. Oddly enough, get this, it tasted like an espresso roast IF it was diner coffee. Right??? What??? So close your eyes a moment and think back to how true diner coffee tastes. Ponder it. Now transcend that with a touch of dark espresso lurking in the back of your mouth like Bob was lurking behind the bed. Seriously, that is what it tastes like. If you want, come on over and we will brew some and watch Mulholland Drive. Then we can discuss the significance of lamps and how to catch ideas like fish.

I give this beverage a 3.5 "I do not introduce the log." -Log Lady- out of 5.

What is that you say? Well let me start at the beginning: I grew up in a small town. I never had a billion friends. I wasn't the popular kid. I was (and am) a small little guy who liked candy, toys, and movies. I met my life friend Aaron at a very early age. We had similar interests and height and soon were best of pals. For a few years it was just us against the far larger world. We scurried about talking of ninjas and monsters until we met Devin, Ryan, and Clovis. We became the crew. You know how in Stand By Me, how the whole thing is this flash back to his pals when they were little? When I do that, those are this kids I see. So now we are all grown up and doing our own things. But from time to time we reconnect and that is always great. Now I didn't see Clovis. But Aaron did. He went on a fishing trip and Clovis is a guide down in Eugene. Well Aaron mentioned that I have this little food blorg and soon I received this mysterious package.

Within it was this-
Oh coffee. That is cool. I wonder why there is a cat monkey on the bag.... Oh what!!!! Yep. My childhood pal Clovis mailed us Kopi Lewak. Which is the most expensive coffee on the planet!!!!

Yeah! Another interesting thing about this coffee is that a tree dwelling cat-like creature (like me) in Southeast Asia eats the ripest red coffee beans and then poops out the seeds which are then collected and processed and sold as Kopi Lewak. Yup.

(Don't look up pictures of palm civits. They are not cute.)
So the beans just look like plain old coffee beans and once ground it just smelled like plain old coffee.
Now to the taste. Well. Luckily, for my wallet, I wouldn't say it is incredible. We both (S and I) took a sip and sat puzzled for a bit. The funny thing about this point is that what were we doing was most likely taking all that we knew about the process and the oddness and incorporate that into what we were tasting. It was earthy smelling and earthy tasting but the taste was missing something. Was that because it was tree cat poop coffee? No, that isn't it. What had me perplexed was that it was a light roast. (who does a light roast on cat poop coffee? I know.) We both usually drink dark roasts. With that in mind we sipped again. It was pleasant, light, and earthy. You should most likely take my word for it because Sarah said that there are restaurants that sell it for 50 dollars a cup. Yeah, I started my Saturday off with 100 dollars worth of coffee. Did you? Well, go back and read that quote at the top of this post because you know what? You deserve it. Yes my friend, you deserve to drink a beverage brewed in a cats intestine. Pat your self on the back. I give this treat experience a 4- "styrofoam never dies as long as you live"- Andy-out of 5.

*Lastly a final thanks to my wonderful wife and my dear friends. Thank you for being part of my life and weird interests. You make my life far more richer and sometimes stranger in all of the bestest of ways.

Now if you will excuse me, Leo needs a new pair of shoes.....

.FOOrD BLOrG. Beat the heat (to death and eat its face meats!!!!)

Is the title too intense? I can't tell. This time of year it tends to get hotter and that entails some tricks to help me cope with a rise in my internal temperature. If that help doesn't arrive on time I may react a tad on the extreme side of things and I may seem like I am melting and/or dying. At that point I may demand retribution. (which is confusing for most around me at the time.) I know I have warned you all of this before but in an effort to better flesh out the resistance tactics against the evil sun, here are some other ways to beat the heat....or not.

The first style of defense is BEER!!!
You might be thinking I picked this because of the label. Ok I did. I can't help it! It is in my goth/industrial blood that I am drawn to boneyards and decay. You say tomato and I say grim reaper, I can't shake it so why not embrace it.?. Really this label looks more like an Enigma album cover than a good goth record but whatever. You can see in the bottom of the picture that the alcohol content is 11.5. Normally I really dislike anything over 7 or so but this was delicious!

It is not too dark but it is plenty complex. I had a picture of the side label but it was far too blurry to include. It did have a ton of information about berry notes, chocolate, etc... A long list.

I couldn't make out any individually but the flavor was far more sophisticated than most darker ales I have had. Being that I don't drink a bunch of dark beers, I couldn't finish it. The richness and weight ultimately was too much for me. If it was a really hot day I don't think this would be refreshing unless you were about to lay down in a hammock and take a nap. I give this beer a 3 why do hipsters make shorts out of dress pants and wear deck shoes, out of 5. Next!!!
This peculiar little guy was found at my local asian mart that I gladly shop at rather than our extra methy Plaid Pantry. Seriously that Plaid is terrifying. So there I was staring at the beer selection when I saw something new.?. That is weird because he has had the same options forever. This intrigued me and I couldn't stop coming back to it so I picked up a six pack. Yes, you could only buy a six pack. A gamble to say the least on a blueberry beer.

The flavor is pleasant. It isn't light which helps it to not taste like a wine cooler or a fourloko. You taste the lager first, I'd say amber maybe?, then you taste the blueberry but it isn't super crazy or too sweet. Overall, a really descent fruit beer and yes I did finish it and the other five. On separate nights though. One is fine but more could result in less than favorable results. I give this beer a 4 stretch pants are not to be worn as pants, out of five. Next up: Heat!
It is a strange concept but one way that people around the world beat the heat is by consuming spicy foods which makes the body sweat and cools it down. Yeah, I didn't make it up. That is what they are doing. These little snack rings are Habanero flavored chips from Japan. My favorite was their ghost chili rings but they discontinued them. (Sarah and I have a suspicion that anytime we like something it gets discontinued or destroyed. Recently both of our favorite restaurants have gone that way.)

Now if something says Habanero on it, it needs to bring the heat. I love habaneros! They are hot but have citrus notes. Mmmmmmm two of my favorite things. Sadly these chips have neither. I mean, really the flavor could be just spice. The heat factor was really nonexistent. What? Ok, that sh*t might fly with a chip marked hot or spicy but this snack has an army of freaking peppers on it and they look EVIL! PSTSHHHHH! This bag should have a picture of butterflies and kittens holding hands and kissing your tongue because that is more what it tastes like. (Note: that has never happened to me. It is just sunny and I warned you about the over dramatizing things.) I give this "hot" snack a 1 shorts that short are actually just panties, out of five.
Sarah got me these while she was in SF (best wife eva!) but I imagine you could find a similar item in a mexican grocer. (in their store not in the actual grocer. ewe....) They are HABANERO peanuts!!!!!!
Just look at that peanut! He is either in the middle of singing like a song about how weird it is to have arms and legs but not a body or his mouth is super hot from eating spicy peanuts....either way that is odd right??? I mean, he is a spicy peanut. Huh....

Well, no. This snack is even more of a letdown. How could it be such a letdown? Well not only is it not spicy but when you pour them into your hands, they look like they are covered in hot powder. Only when you put them in your mouth they just taste like lemons. Yeah, friggin lemons! You know what you never see in the peanut butter section of your supermarket? Peanut lemon butter. BECAUSE IT S-U-C-K-S!!!! Seriously, who are these people and what is wrong with their mouths??? Buying these and then tasting them is like joining columbia music house for a penny and then realizing 14 cds for 1 cent isn't a deal when those 14 cds are mostly Richard Marx and Jodeci cds. I give these sour nuts a 1 so glad I get to see so many sun bleached prison tats in my neighborhood out of 5.

Which brings me to my best idea to beat the heat. It is a mutant child of two of my favorite things:
Yes, the sodastream is awesome. If you drink carbonated water, you need this. It is under a hundred bucks and we have already saved that between the two of us. AND-
Cold extract coffee!! Basically you take a pound of coffee put it in a things with ten cups of water and let it brew in the fridge for 12 hours. Then run it thru a filter into this carafe. It creates a coffee concentrate that is both robust and non-acidic. I love this stuff.

Now think of this drink like this: You know in the remake of The Fly when Jeff Goldblum and the fly go into the teleporter and then they come out fused??
KABOOOOM!!!! I give you sparkling iced coffee!!! Simply prepare your sodastream liquid and add it to a glass of your cold extract coffee. The ratio is one third extract to 2/3rds sparkling water. Yummm! I give this drink a 5 bad songs playing loud out of cars with their windows rolled down out of 5.

So there you go, good luck out there. Remember to wear your sunscreen and non-opened toed shoes. Come on! Really? ugh.