.FOOrD BLOrG. A simpler thyme. (You change that back!)

Now more than ever people are looking back toward traditions. Back toward older times. Back to simpler aesthetics. Sadly this is mostly to cannibalize for a profit than to honor a specific thing or idea. Sure some new businesses might want to honor an old style but for every honest one there are 400 plus hipsters who look like doctors from the 1800s but the only thing they can operate is a 6 dollar a cup coffee maker at the local coffee roaster. It isn't their fault. Their generation has no aesthetics. Everything is shiny electronics and completely otherwise intangible. There are no apps for that. They must pick the bones of the 80s, 90's, 70's lumberjack chic, etc... This makes them less popular than the any person who joins Etsy trying to sell their jewelry. (There are a lot of people who make jewelry that are nice but there are more that scour what others do and then take their ideas for their own. Total craft cannibals.) Look, we tip a homeless person for a a witty sign or to appease our own guilt so why not throw a hipster a glance that they can ignore and they will in the end feel like all the mustache waxing was worth it.

The thing is, times change. I don't have anything really against "hipsters" for they are just the current name for a group of people that are trending. I know because I have been mistook for one. Here is how or why I am not one:

1) I am not nor have I ever been concerned with what anyone thinks of me. Not in a cool way but in a "please nobody ever look at me. I would be perfectly fine hiding at home forever way." 

2) Before this I was called "Metro sexual". It was a dark time but it has passed. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn't change a thing. Nobody but members of Le Tigre should have uni-brows.

3) Before that I was called "fag" This was fine and all. I am not gay but I am also not a misogynist, sexist, all around jerk, or a homophobe. So I took the hate for not hating. Always did. Always will.

4) Before that I was "goth" Probably the most accurate label. Not in the full on make up type of way or even belonging to the scene. More along the lines of morbid sense of humor and enjoyment of most things horror. I also like Bauhaus and early Cure etc... Plus black is slimming. (Not for all goths. It is a color not a miracle.)

5) I have always enjoyed odd hairstyles. Since Aaron and I got into Sun In in the 80s. I then fell in love with post apocalyptic 80s films where men wear shoulder pads but no shirt and have mo hawks and wield weapons that make no sense together. Like a motorcycle with a chainsaw welded on the front and a wrist crossbow. They are and were hilarious. (Most of which were set in years that have passed which makes viewing now even better. As I grew up I could choose and design my hairstyles and I did. I even drew them out first. Now as an adult I can do whatever I want and I will. If that means that I want to look like I just had brain surgery I will. I am not allowing anyone to tell me to "grow up" because that just means get boring. Oh so I grew up so I could have ultimate freedom and then not use it? I think not and no nomadic generation or people hating them is going to stop me. I have resigned to the fact that I will always be in the crossfire of these two groups that I don't belong to. That is cool. I will just be over here putting leather studs on my jacket with one sleeve missing because it snags on my wrist mounted blow gun.

Why are we both here? Oh yes, candy. Today we are looking at old time snacks. Lets get to it.

First up we have Horehound. Ok, stop giggling. This isn't a slightly more pc version of "b*tch" it is a flavoring that refers to two different flowering herbs. The company that makes this was started in 1919. So this is a legit old time snack. Lets look at the back.

See. Back in the day, one couldn't afford entertainment and food. You had to choose. Until this snack which combined a long yarn on the back with a bag of sugared whimsy. (None of that is true. Sometimes I make stuff up and then rather than do research I just choose to believe it. Saves time.) This story of Claeys Old Time Candies was so popular that  the bag out sold the Bible and was often read to crowds in speak-easys until such people were deemed heretics and burned alive. Ironically in fires started by horehound. (Ok, none of that is true but it is so much more interesting than this bag.

Well here it is. Yeah. That is the deal with old time candy. I can say one and you can picture it. Previous to this moment I hadn't heard of Horehound but if you tell me it is an old time candy-got it. Root Beer Barrel- yep got it. Butterscotch-no problem. Nobody is ever like "Ribbon candy? Why does it look like a ribbon? Huh, didn't anticipate that." They are a predictable lot.

How does it taste?

Well, first of all it smells like corn syrup. That is all. no herbal anything. Upon tasting it. I just mostly get that hard candy blandness. For all I know, that is some of the appeal here. As to not be to aggressive on the taste buds. One shouldn't over excite ones mouth for the mouth is a direct gateway to one's loins. (What?) I am not going to beat around the bush here. This tastes only like corn syrup. I am not exaggerating. It tastes solely like corn syrup. This is like the personification of anticipating a candy having flavor. Like it is the base for something that was forgotten. Perhaps the most perfect description for an old time candy. Sadly though I give this snack a 1- Easter pink polyester pant suit-out of 5.

Horehound Stick Candy? What did we go even further back in time? Stick Candy has to be the least pleasant style of candy. You can even tell when you give a child a stick candy that there is a moment where the kid is like "Seriously. For reals? This is what you give me? You saw me eat a strawberry. That thing was the size of a quarter and I mashed it everywhere. My mom will find some in my ear. This thing I will drool down the sides. It will run into my arm pits. I will set it down on my pants. Yeah, you heard me. I will put it down on the carpet and then eat the dog hair covered stick candy. This is a terrible idea." Stick candy is almost always a terrible flavor. Green apple? Not likely. Even if you call it that I know it will taste like a salt water taffy. Yeah, and when can we all agree that no matter what flavor you say a salt water taffy is going to be that it just tastes like 2 mouthfuls of sugar and a hint of a vague flavor. You can try 40 different flavors and other than peppermint I cant tell them apart. Over it. You should be too.

How does it taste? (sigh) Well it has a very similar corn syrup flavor. Alas this stick candy has more to offer. Bitterness. Oh man this thing is bitter. Ugh. You know how blood tastes metallic? This tastes like robot blood. So I guess Horehound tastes like robot blood with a hint of regret. A big fat lingering hint of regret. An all consuming hint. It isn't a hint. It is its entirety. I don't like this at all so I give this snack a 0- http://www.bling4canes.com/ -out of 5. (How could they be taking a break?)

Well, here we have a sucker but it is nutmeg creme flavored. This is a mash up of new flavors and old school candy making. Smells like hipster but I can't remember where Sarah got this for me so I can't say. I will say that I have put this off for awhile. It is old. When I ate it I could tell. It smelled like a caramel and it disintegrated into grittiness quickly after putting it in my mouth. I can only blame myself for not eating it 6 months to a year earlier. What can I say I had more interesting snacks to eat. It never fit into any posts. Alright, I admit it. I haven't been excited about this post and that is why it took me a month to make myself do this. Fine. I am ashamed and I apologize. How does this sucker taste? Like a caramel with a hint of nutmeg. Yeah. Pretty spot on with the name and all. The only bad part is the texture and I am not going to say it is the anonymous candy makers fault but because I don't know I can't say if it is great or not. I will put it this way, I don't enjoy it. It is too creamy for me. This is also what it was going for though. So I will give this mystery snack a 3-are there gold dentures?-out of 5.

Yep. http://www.starlightmfginc.com/ You can also get a big C for Christ. I mean, that is what jesus would do, right?

Here we are with the last snack from this post.  I have no idea what this is called. Should I look it up? I mean, probably but I am not going to. We got it at Luce which is one our favorite restaurants in Portland. I did try to look up what it is called but I can't even tell you what google image search brought up from the key words "a man, a woman, a dyke, and a basket." Yeah, I know. I was imagining that this is Holland and there is a dyke nearby. How is it? Like a foreign version of that disappointment sucker from Sees Candy. A tad easier on the teeth and maybe made from sheep. If that floats your barge than by all means pick one up. For me, I'd rather have a Blow Pop. (Which is a great name for a sucker with gum inside and a terrible name for a soda.) I give this sucker a 3- lap blanket..that is all I fear about age. Requesting and finding joy in a  lap blanket.-out of 5.

Alright, so as i said, I put this off for a month. The whole point of this blog is to enjoy snacks from around the world and write about it as an exercise. This is something I do for fun. I guess sometimes the "fun" is the challenge. I just wasn't that excited about these snacks and luckily they weren't all very good. The next 6 posts are full of strangeness though. So I hope to see you again here next Wednesday.
Take care.

.FooRd BloRg. SUCKAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They say one is born every minute. Now I don't know who this "they" is but it has been quite awhile since only one baby was born a minute. (Not that all babies are suckers but they all kinda act like one at some point. I mean come on. Take your toes out of your mouth, baby. Hey baby, keep your mushy head away form that corner on the table. Baby! You have peas everywhere but your mouth. And you seem happy about this. Plus somebody has pooped at the dinner table. Baby, you seem like the culprit. Baby-only suckers eat where they poop. Quit being a sucker and quit all that jive talkin'. Put that binky in yo mouth and go back to trying to point at things that you lack the expressive speech to say. Baby.

Speaking of babies. Are you familiar with Mattress World? Have you seen their commercials? The whole premise involves a baby sleeping on a mattress and the jingle goes "It is NEVER to late to SLEEP like a baby! Mattress World!" Really? Never? I beg to differ Mattress World. I wage that there is a time that is to late to sleep like a baby. It is anytime you are not in fact a baby. Do you know how a baby sleeps? In a plastic bag containing no less than one bodily fluid and they wake screaming with a thirst only human breast milk can quench.

If you can read this. It is too late for you to sleep in such a way. (If that is your thing. Please, please seek help.)

Why am I talking about babies? I don't know because today is all about SUCKERS. I actually had too many so I broke them into two groups with the help of Sarah. So today we shall examine four lovely lollies and the others will have to wait awhile. I just have too many snacks. (What a problem to have.) Todays 1-5 scale is sponsored by total suckers.

This sucker is made by thischarmingcandy.com which I hope is a play off of The Smiths "This charming man." I really hope so. Sarah found this for me at crafty wonderland here in Portland. I would call this look a candy boutique look. You get the feeling that this is all done by hand in somewhat small batches. It is cute, right? I bet the 30 something office lady crowd really get a hoot out of these. Sadly we aren't just here to talk of packaging so lets get to it.

What you get upon unwrapping it is a sweet waft to vanilla. Nothing wrong with that. Vanilla is a pleasant enough smell. Upon closer nasal inspection, one can detect a light cardamom scent. If you aren't familiar with cardamom it is a spice with citrus, floral, and herbal notes. It is often used in savory dishes like curries or in sweet dishes like bread pudding. (That might not be accurate I just looked up two recipes online. I like it in curries and on cauliflower but lets face it anything helps cauliflower. Ugh. Boring. Hey cauliflower, How is boringsville occupancy YOU! )

Upon tasting it I definitely get vanilla. This sucker has a smooth mouth feel. For a moment I really like this sucker. Then comes the cardamom. I think the challenge of using cardamom is that cardamom is pretty strong. If it is dancing with you, it is leading. So how do you get is to play nice with vanilla? For me, I guess you can't because the flavor here kind of comes in waves and when it is cardamom's turn YOU KNOW IT. Cardamom never really lets the vanilla do a solo. It is always present and mostly in the spotlight. (What is with this dancing analogy? Who is the sucker now?)

I give this sucker a 2-Oh you moved to PDX from Cali and didn't know it would be grey and wet most of the year? You's a sucker!-out of 5.

Well, Mexico. Your track record is less than decent. Lets be honest-your candy mostly sucks. So I guess it makes sense that you are here in the sucker category. Here we have a SUPER pineapple and chili powder sucker. That must mean that there is an unsuper one somewhere. Well, only the best for me.... (I really am not looking forward to this.) I feel like I won a race that nobody wanted to win and now I have to eat this as a reward. Damn you Pina Loca. (Pina Loca sounds like when the bars empty out in Mexico and drunk people just pee anywhere. "That guy has his penis out and he is pina loca!"

This smells faintly of pineapple. I love how it has the indention in the center so it looks like a tiny circle of pineapple. (Great attention to detail.) Sadly is tastes like corn syrup. Sure there is a somewhat pleasant flavor of pineapple but the cheapness of the sucker gives it a weird solid rubber feel. Then comes the chili. Now I like spice. I do. But for some reason the chili in most mexican candies is just powder and it dries out my mouth and is all around grody. Technically speaking it is also icky to the max. The weird thing is, despite obvious short comings, I like this sucker at times and hate it at others. I really can't stress that enough. It is rare that something is at both ends of the spectrum. This creation is. I wouldn't buy it again even at like 30 cents.

I give this sucker a 2-If you eat at Por Que No. You are a white sucker. (Seriously, if you google where do white people eat tacos on hawthorne, Por Que No COMES UP #1) Portland has amazing authentic regional mexican food. You foolish white suckers-out of 5.

Sarah and I found this at Candy Babel here in Portland, OR. Candy Babel is a cute small candy store which is unfortunately located in the same building as a gym. The combination results in confusion as your eyes peruse delicious little candies but your nose smells horrid sweaty people. I mean it is on Alberta! For those who don't know Alberta, it is a place in PDX where men and women have beards and hairy pits and nobody showers. (*Kinda not true)(Kinda true) It is a street that feels dirty to me. An odd choice for a candy shop but i am sure rent is cheap. I recommend stopping by as the owner is nice and she imports some pretty interesting candies. Sadly there weren't signs to tell you a gummy came from Australia so unless you ask her you might miss some unassuming treats. I frankly don't even know if this rose sucker was made in PDX or from Ireland. Well, either way I have to eat it.

When you unwrap this rose sucker, you smell 2 things. 1-Plastic. 2-Grandma. A combination that shouldn't be appealing unless ,of course, you have a plastic robo-grandma who takes care of you. (*Not a real thing.) There is an art when it comes to combining rose with anything. Rose should be used as a spice almost and never the main ingredient. The reason being, it is a ROSE. Roses taste like perfume.  Sure there was that rose water that I really liked but it had subtlety. Simply the smell of this makes me afraid of its lack of nuances.

The taste is just as I had feared. I wouldn't say I derived any pleasure from this sucker. In fact I found this sucker pretty offensive to my taste buds. It isn't super sweet but it is super ROSE. Sure you can see the rose petals in the sucker. Sure that is pretty. But it SURE tastes like potpourri. Ugh.

I give this snack a 1-If you put any money or attention toward terrible things like Kardashians or other rich untalented people, you are a straight up sucker. You are part of the problem.-out of 5.

We sound this sucker at a Finland gifts store in Astoria. I was attracted to it because it is called a DUMLE which means dummy. (Not true.) It was invented in 1945. (Oh, that is very interesting.) It is available in single piece, ice cream, mini-bars, chocolate drink, and sucker form. It is described as a "toffee chew." Which makes me want to eat one in front of old people so they can regale me with tales of the yesteryears. "I remember when the earth was one continent and we rode dinosaurs to school only we didn't have schools because we were pencils. Only instead of lead we were filled with lust for the sea and we sang shanties about sea pencils and Abigail, the horse-faced princess of Yorkshire." (That last old person might have dementia.)

I'd like to also bring attention to the wrapper which clearly states that this is the original. The original what I don't know. The original candy? Sucker? Dumle? Dumle, I can believe as up until I saw this I had no idea a Dumle existed. Frankly, I was fine not knowing but since I know now of the original Dumle I must eat it.

My goodness. That is a beautiful looking sucker. Isn't it? It doesn't look turd like in the slightest. Nope. Easily the prettiest sucker. Right? Ok. No. This looks like a poopsicle. There I said it. Somebody had to. I mean, come on! That took NO stretch of the imagination. It LITERALLY looks like dookie. And why is it cracked?  What happened? ugh.

This sucker smells like the inside of an easter basket on the poor side of town. Stale, sad, and hopeful that there is other candy around. It tastes like a very old Rollo that maybe has been in the couch awhile and many people have been over each taking time to sit on it. As if they hoped it would hatch into a fantastic snack but it never blossomed into fruition. So they got a stick and peeled it out of the couch. Luckily it is the "original?".....

I give this snack a 1.5-If you believe in the law of attraction, you are such a sucker. You can't think change. You have to physically do something. I hate to break it to you, sucker but life takes effort. Now get your sucker self up and go do something.-out of 5.



Thanks again for taking time to witness these suckers.
See you next time.


Get a piece


SUCKERZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Ah Mozz.)