.FOOrD BLOrG. Chews Life. Be the gummy.

So I was thinking about chewy candies and it dawned on me that "chewy" might be a better way to live than "hard." I am talking lifestyle. Candy metaphor lifestyle. Now I am not saying that one shouldn't have morals or ideals or stand for something. Sure, we should all do that. I am saying that perhaps there are ways that we all could be a tad less rigid. What I am saying is be open.

If you think about it, when you first chomp down on a gummy there is a sort of remix that happens. Your teeth might not break all the way thru and just the shape of the gummy changes a bit. Now it might even regain it's shape at that point. If this had been a hard candy it would break or splinter. You don't have to break. A bit of a stretch maybe but hear me out.

See, last year I told my wife that I was going to have a year of yes. Whenever she asked if I wanted to do something my answer would always be "yes" even if I didn't really want to go downtown or whatever it was. Why would I decide to do that? I did it because I had become perfectly happy in my home with the blinds drawn in my controlled environment. I needed to test myself. I needed to be open. So my awesome wife was the integral part of the equation because it wasn't up to me what I was going to or not experience. Well now we are coming up to the new year again and what do you think happened?

Nothing except a years worth of fun memories and experiences that I wouldn't have had otherwise with the person I care about the most. To be honest, I wish I had decided to do year of yes from day one. Every moment, no matter how small, you can spend with the person you care about and an inside joke or a moment of endearment can happen at anytime.

My point isn't in absolution it is an open evolution. I don't regret it. Not even things that I didn't maybe enjoy much but to be honest I can't name one of those but I can name several really fun memories that I might have previously missed. All I am saying and all this funny little blog is saying is "Try new things. Please be open to great and even bad experiences." That is life. You can't do the whole live and learn thing if you stick to what you already know and never leave your little box. 

Ok. I am done. Let us eat the chewy candies!

Well hey there cuteness! (Um, I was talking to the panda.) Here we have SUPPANDA!! A strange little candy hailing from Tokyo. First impressions, either this is sour or that panda's mouth is down south and what is supposed to be down there is on it's face. You get what I am saying? You know, like:
()*().  Well, that doesn't look right. Never mind lets just move on to the back.

Much better. So here we see the panda still has a b*tthole for a mouth and it's armpit is proclaiming something about a pineapple. That explains...um..a lot.

So it looks pretty sour. It smells slightly of either powder lemon and pineapple. At this point we have pineapple and Tokyo going in this snacks favor. I am pretty excited about trying it.

S- Well, the panda's mouth looks like a butth*le. So minus one style point for making me picture a panda butt. Mmm. It tastes good. Is there goo in the middle? I like it. I don't normally like the goo. I give it a 4-out of 5.

d- I like the texture. It has some resistance. Like a kinda ballsy jelly bean but not grainy. Like a high quality Spree. Is that the one? The goo is good. A little tart but not sour really. A nice pineapple flavor. I give this snack a 4-I don't like crowds but I can survive them by preparing myself before hand-out of 5.

In my humble opinion. You cannot go wrong with a cola flavored gummy from Japan. You can't. Anytime I try one I feel like a super mega winner. So here, that is exactly what we have. My mouth is watering. Obviously the front tells me nothing since I can't read Japanese. I think it says " Hey dirk! Buy these because they are soooooo delicious! Speaking of Dell. Remember that "shoulda got a dell" commercial. Whatever happened to that kid? Kids was a movie. Who wrote that one " I like to move it. Move it" song and why isn't that in commercials for U-Haul? You sure are good looking dirk. Have you been working out? Why yes, self. I have"
. . . . Wait, where were we?

Anyway, here we can see the back. Which clearly states....a lot of stuff. Pretty much all I know is that this candy is cola flavored and it has 2900 somethings worth of collagen. Is that a lot and why is it there? What is collagen?

I am not going to explain that to you. Me not got great thinking meats. So here is a link:

http://health.howstuffworks.com/skin-care/beauty/anti-aging/eating-collagen1.htm

Look at that little one. It is lightly dusted in a fine tart powder. Just opening the bag and I could smell awesome cola smell. Look, I don't drink soda. I don't drink any ever. (Unless it is for this blog.) That being said I love cola candy. I know. I don't understand it either.

S-I like it.  It has a nice texture. More body than the average gummy. Really good flavor. Minus one style point for looking like licorice. This could be like the Nicorette for soda drinkers. They could chew a piece of candy instead of drinking a gallon of soda. 5-out of 5.

d-Totally. I agree with every thing that you just (eats second piece) said. It has a nice chew and the flavor is really full but not too big. A nice tartness. If you like Haribo's sour cola bottles than this is like the high end of that. I give this snack a 5-Always look around you. There are funny little small things happening everywhere. It is amazing what the normal world finds normal.-out of 5.

Oh what? Dueling Japanese pineapple gummies? What did I win the mouth lottery? (That sounds like something one would lose in prison.) Once again I have no idea what any of that says and you know what my guesses are like. (Not entirely accurate.)

Whoa. Am I not the best photographer ever? Good lord I am terrible at taking pictures. This doesn't even show the collagen count. Yes this one features collagen as well. Mmmm. Animal proteins and stuff or things... It sure looks pretty on the packaging. Let's open it up!

Wait. What the f*ck is this? Where did the pretty shinny pineapple from the packaging go? This sure isn't it. This looks like a gummy from the dollar store. Luckily it smells of pineapple. Let's see how it tastes.

S-Uh. This tastes like canned pineapple. Why would anyone want to make a candy taste like canned pineapple. Minus one style point for looking so cloudy. The color is a real turn off. 3-outof 5.

d-It is ok but it does taste like canned pineapple. Who is the person that is like" Man, I LOVE canned pineapple. I just wish it was somehow more portable. I mean, than this can." It isn't terrible. It smells right. I give it a 3-I pretty much now know that anything "confit" is not for me but I had to try from beef cheek confit to duck confit to figure that out-of 5.

Ok so here we have a candy that is flavored......like......Um. Let's just get one thing out of the way. The thing at waist level on the melon man there.

That melon headed dude is sporting a full on erection. I believe this is a candy for kids. I mean, I have heard about being a fan of yourself but really! I mean, he is a melon man who is drinking a soda that tastes like him. And he is REALLY is into that.

Imagine tasting a soda that is flavored just like you. If you didn't almost vomit just now than you aren't applying your imagination. I mean, that isn't my thing but I have been in gas stations far from civilization where I have seen men who have wondered "Why t'aint thar human soders?" U no. Like a Marly soder, a Jethro soder, a Billy Bob soder... Taste like a juicy skin suit! Yee haw! Ma sister is ma wife." (Too much?) My point is that I am all for being open but maybe not that open.

(Why would anyone think that they should put a package on packaging for kids? right?)

Alright. So here we have a melon soda caramel. We have had a red wine caramel and a few others so lets just dive in.

S- Ugh. This tastes exactly like a banana runt. Exactly. (Spits it out.) -1 style point for the BS wax paper wrapping. 0-out of 5.

d- At first I am getting wax notes. Like a candle. Then the essence of cheap bubble gum. That is probably the soda flavor. After that follows hints of regret and banana flavor. This is gross and not at all like melon. Now I have never had melon soda but if this is what it tastes like I will pass. This snack gets a 1-The people that go to a day spa are very different than we are but in some way making them uncomfortable is even more satisfying than a seaweed massage-out of 5.

So ends another chewy episode of FOASP. Thanks for taking the time to read. Thanks to my wife for trying all of these snacks with me and for all of the year of yes experiences.

Lastly I'd like to share that a chef friend of ours started a 30 minutes for 30 days exercise challenge and we are a tad over a week in. The reason I mention this is because we are not big exercise people but here is what we have learned this far: 30 minutes is not a lot of time. It is very approachable. After 30 minutes of exercise a few days you really do feel different. It doesn't take much. In the time I would surf a few websites we have made a minute change to how we live and feel better. Also doing the exercises together is far more fun than alone. Lastly any exercise with any allusion to "buns" in the title is an exercise worth doing. Especially "Bollywood Booty 2."

Till next week. Keep your head up and out of any sodas.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Chewzie Chorps

To be honest I am a little under the weather here. No I am not sick but a little defeated. Here we are on post 101 and my camera app that have been using since the dawn of .FOOrD BLOrG. has gone the way of Another Bad Creation- it doesn't work anymore. (Did you think I was going to make an Iesha reference?) So the aesthetic I was going for has been compromised (I bet you didn't think I was even aiming for an aesthetic..) and to top that I didn't even photograph one of the items that I was going to talk about. Yeah, rookie mistake. Here I was all ready to talk about musical tastes and that this is post 101 which is the title of my favorite tour documentary for Depeche Mode and instead I am full of regret and angst. (too much? yea, maybe a bit)

So Sarah, Erin, and Keith are my crew on this wobbly tour of the world....well not really the world but two places. Huh, this just isn't my day. Lets get to it. (While you are looking at this picture I did 50 jumping jacks 30 sit ups and drank a double espresso.....that ought to get things going.)
Coming atcha from Japan is this, our first chewy snack. Bontan Ame Citrus candy! F.t.w.d.k (for those who don't know) a Bontan is the largest of citrus fruits and its flavor was instilled into a chewy candy in 1926 and the recipe has remained unchanged since. (This is where I would originally tied this back into music and personal taste. Mostly doing so just to justify getting to say COLDPLAY SUCKS!!! See I really can't stand coldpee...I mean Coldplay. The sound of 'it' makes my insides quake with anger/disgust. What were we...? oh) By now in this experiment of world snackery I have learned that Japan makes great snacks now. Not always the case. Not for my palette. The whole rice candy no flavor deal doesn't sit well with me. I am not poo pooing on tradition I am just saying it isn't for me.

S- ugh, it tastes like paste. it gets big and fat in your mouth and takes up your whole tounge. Kind of like a lemon head with less flavor and no sour.

E-I agree with Sarah. the rice paper wrapper makes it taste off. not lemony enough to taste good. the texture is off.

K- konichiwa flavor. like eating a creature's liver that ate a smaller creature who had eaten a lemon.

D- wax. really mild citrus. barely a flavor. I tried to peel the wrapper off in order to see what it would taste like without it but it was impossible.

See-

Next we have an addition hailing from AUSTRALIA. Yes, a first here. Green apple licorice. This was a gift from Sarah for the purpose of this blog. Thank you, Sarah. Lets see how it is:

S- it smells like homemade fruit leather. Tastes like dried pears in wax.

E-very much a waxy pear.

K- an ear waxy pear.

D-cheap waxy licorice.

I don't know why they even bother making it? There is already a billion types of licorice out on the market and I'd say about 90% are better than this attempt. I would bet that an apple scented candle would be more enjoyable to eat than this licorice. I bet even an apple scented candle purchased at a Dollar Tree tastes better than this licorice. I bet the floor of the Dollar tree....ok, that is too far. Typing this I just realized how silly it is to have to capitalize 'Dollar Tree'.

The last item was something I had held onto for 5 months just waiting for the right moment. Then I fudged up and forgot to photo it. What was it? Oh just a gummy donut candy from Japan that was individually wrapped and the size of a 50 cent piece. (Like the money unit not the rapper unit) It wasn't that great either. It looked cool. Didn't taste like a donut though. We all thought it tasted more like TANG at which point Keith said 'WU-TANG-CLAN'. That was the highlight.

So what have we learned? Well, I'd say no matter how far we get in any avenue of this experiment called life, we can and will make mistakes. The point is to have friends or loved ones to laugh with through those times. Too much? How about coldpee is a stupid band!!!

Now if you will excuse me I am going to go to the playground. (Ya know)

(ftwk)for those who know-

I DEMAND RETRIBUTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.FOOrD BLOrG. pOORLY cONcieved

It is true that everyday even the tiniest thing can teach us something about ourselves. Our alarm not going off can upset our routine which can tell us that our everyday patterns provide comfort for us. A person stopping at a crosswalk and smiling to tell us we may cross can actually make us thankful to be apart of this species and not loathe its ability to only think of itself. An expose on animal porn can teach us the relief of never having the urge to attend that kind of "petting" zoo. A t.v. show can alert us to the fact that we never want to go to New Jersey. Ever. Yes, even something as simple as the appearance of a snack can tell us something about ourselves. With that in mind, I give you:SLAPS!!!! So the proverbial gato is out of the bag here, this hails from Mexico. I know. (sigh) I know but they deserve a chance. (again and again) This was found at a mexican grocer out far out in PDX SE. There is a whole bunch of weirdness going on here. This treat is creative for sure but lets be honest, not every invention is good or needed really. Nonetheless this candy comes from 'Jose's Yummies' which sounds questionable already. Any dudes name before the word 'yummies' just sounds like a ploy to get somebody to ogle his manbits. For instance, Hanz's yummies, Dick's yummies, Harold's yummies, or my favorite- Barnaby's yummies. All pretty wangish. (Which is not a word....yet)
So as you can see here we have two flavors of slaps in the package of 15 for 1.29. (Yeah, that is a good sign.) Essentially what this appears to be is a fruit rollup not rolled up and with a stick. Yes, a stick like a lollypop stick. So once you remove the plastic pieces that surround the slap you can hold onto the stick from which the slap flacidly dangles. Mmmmmmm. Who wouldn't want that?
Hungry? Well I bit into a piece of this and the texture was far from what I expected. See I thought it was going to be more like a fruit situation but what we have is a gritty sugar situation. Normally that might appeal to me if it is sour enough. This is not and after two bites I dropped it in to the trash. Oh, I went with red by the way and it was not strawberry, cherry, raspberry, or anything berry really. My tongue feels funny and regrets being in my mouth. Perhaps the 'slap' this snack refers to is what happens to your mouth for expecting deliciousness from a treat from mexico. I didn't try yellow after that and I am not sure if I will. One slap was enough for me. Thank you, I do not want another. If this were some sort of S&M situation my safe word would be something along the lines of " Trust me you don't want Jose's Yummies in or near your mouth. I bet even Jose doesn't like his own yummies. Please for all that is delicious do not go forth and taste these demonic creations!"Too many words? Then maybe my safe word would simply be "wangish".
By now you are probably wanting me to divulge what I learned about myself thru 'Jose's yummies'. Was it the manbits/yummies thing? Was it that one of these picture looks like a jacked up condom? Nay, it was that when I first looked at these in the packaging I thought 'I bet that is what Willy Wonka's tongue looks like.' Which of course led to his entire body including: gum ball eyes, red rope intestines, circus peanut toes, to name a few. Oh and I also learned that I eat things before reading their due date. See below!
Ain't that just straight up wangish????

What did you learn?