.It is your choice, chews wisely. FOOrD BLOrG.

They are going to say something. They are and they always will. Just know that if you let that stop you, that your will, will become your won't. (I don't write pretty or often make sense but to me I make perfect nonsense.) A few years ago I did a year of yes. For one year I said yes to everything. Especially things that I didn't or wouldn't normally do. See, I was building a tight comfy little world to retire to all too often. I needed to push myself back out. Not even in a big way like back onto a stage or out in front of people. Like just back outside. Like just around other humans. So I did. It wasn't easy but it really wasn't that hard either. When I allowed myself no grey decision area everything slowly became easier. I didn't have time to waffle on whether or not to do something. I just had to and learn to cope. Learn to cope with groups of people. Learn to cope with people who I didn't see eye to eye with. Learn to cope with peoples' decisions that I might not agree with. The next year I decided to carry it on. One more year of yes. I can now proudly tell you that those years have passed and I don't even notice the difference. The yes has become a part of me. It is in me. It is kind of like the first time you exercise and it sucks. The next time it still sucks but it is a little easier. Then over time your muscles tone and you feel changes in your body order and after awhile you might not even notice that. You just function differently. I learned that change is nice. I learned that change is hard. I learned that I will always be learning. I learned that it all starts with a choice. Choose wisely.

Today we will be trying some chewy snacks. Also our 1-5 scale is brought to you by choices I have made with varying results that didn't kill me.

Alright, first we have Cherry Vanilla Gumdrops from a store called QUIN here in Portland, Or. Sarah told me awhile ago that the woman behind all of the baked goods at Saint Cupcake (also here in PDX) was adding candy to her already expansive list of treats. (We have since gone to SC a number of times and fallen in love with their cookies, brownies, and even ice cream treats.) So Sarah took me around to find some candies made by the mastermind Jami Curl. I bought a few here and there. Then Sarah told me that a whole candy store of these treats was opening and I couldn't wait. I mean I had to but it wasn't too long before QUIN opened and we descended upon it for their hand made treats and curated chocolate bars etc...

I realize this picture isn't the prettiest but you get the point. Look at what is in the gumdrop. Notice what isn't. This is a choice. Now if you do anything creative there will be people who don't like what you do. There will be people who don't even do what you do but will think they know more than you and that you are wrong. You just have to know to choose not to be a party to that. I think part of that is to do what you want and not to listen to them ever. Take even the compliments with a grain of salt as to not become an asshole. Ultimately though I think you have to make a product that you stand by. Something that you believe in. Where you believe in what you put into it. That is what I see here. Ingredients sure. However the flavor and function of what is on this label (hand written exp. date *love it.) all belongs and has purpose.

Ok. Now look at this thing. The two tone cylinder dusted in sweet sweet crystals. It is beautiful. It doesn't feel hard or dense to the touch either. Upon opening the bag I get a definite aroma of cherry.  A pleasant aroma that is both fruity and familiar. Lets try it:

S-This really reminds me of being a kid. I like the consistency and how it isn't sticking to my teeth. There is something about this that recalls cherry cough syrup I had as a child. I know how that sounds. I mean it in a familiar and good way. Maybe it is just the gelatin and the cherry together and maybe it just feels like it is making something inside you better. It feels like somebody is caring for you. I also like that it says it has vanilla and cherry in the title and in the ingredients. I give it a 5 out of 5. Plus one friend point. Plus one ingredient point. (Side note: She just created those two bonus categories. Debut!)

d-I love the texture of this. It has a soft chew. You can really tell that this has been freshly made. It hasn't been sitting around in a warehouse. I like the cherry flavor. It isn't super fake or syrupy. I think the vanilla is in the finish. Like if the cherry was an elderly person and the vanilla was helping it gracefully to sit in a chair. Oh and your tongue is the chair. I give this gumdrop a 5- When getting lines shaved in you hair was cool (6th grade) I drew what I thought was a cool arrow design that stepped down to the back and wrapped around to an arrow on the other side. I didn't realize until the other middle schoolers helped me see that I had a barber shave not one but two penises on the side of my head. Middle school. Double penis hair design. I chose that. I lived.-out of 5.

Moving right along we have Energy Gummy Bears. I got this for Christmas. I asked for these and I think they came from Thinkgeek. The whole appeal is that each package has the chemical equivalent of an energy drink but now you can chew it in bear form. You know for all those times that you have taken a drink of an energy drink and thought "Wow. This tastes SO good. I wish this would linger on my palette for longer!" My favorite thing about this is the health benefits listed at the top of the bag. Clearly if you are eating energy gummy bears you are eating properly and watching your vitamin intake. "Hey Skip, did you drink kale smoothie today?" "No need brother bear. I ate this metallic satchel of all chemical candies. Now lets hula hoop in park in protest of the establishment!" (I also like that someone drew that psychotic bear and someone along the line thought it didn't really communicate the mission statement. Put a frickin thunderbolt on it's face. BOOM. Poetry.)

Well we showed what QUIN put into their candy so lets look at.....um. Are those even things? This is an intentionally awful photo. I wanted you to see what reading after eating these, feels like. What the eff is all that? Is this the recipe for meth? Are these Breaking Bad Bears? (Expect those at your local market soon.)

It smells like a bad decision.

S-Ah. Oh. No No NO. Ugh. It tastes bitter. This is the perfect example of bad cough syrup. This is the polar opposite of the first candy. It sticks to your teeth and lingers in your mouth when you REALLY don't want it to. Horrible.  It is called "Citrus Blast" and there isn't even any citrus in it. How can it be called that? On a scale of 1-5 I give it a negative million.  Plus it is brown. Nobody wants to eat a brown gummy. Gross.

d- Oh it is bitter and is getting more bitter. This tastes like chemicals. Like if my methy neighbor decided to make candy. Maybe these are meth vitamins. They need to be chewy on the account of your brittle soft meth teeth and gum sores. You get your vitamins (somehow) and can pretend that you are eating citrus blast gasoline. Seriously, I once got face wash in my mouth that was far more pleasant and seemed closer to something you should ingest. 0-I decided in college to get back on the stage (a great way to push yourself out of your comfort zone.) into 2 one act plays. The first time my future wife would see me on stage. In one play I was a transgender psychotic nurse and in the other I was in full drag with heels...I don't remember why. She brought her little brother. Not only did she not bat an eye during all this but she coached me on how to walk in heels each night. I never really got good at it. I appreciate what people go thru for fashionable footwear though and supportive friends and family. No matter how strange the choice may seem.-out of 5.

Candy Sunshine! This snack sounds even more like acid than the last one which really seemed like it was at least created on acid or for people on acid. acid.  This snack also came from a snack website. I forget which one. You can clearly see that it is inspired by the original. What is the original? Well just google it. Trust me. It is quite a website. Not going to? Ok I will tell you. The original was candy raisins. Yeah. What? I am not going to tell you the story because their beautiful website does all that. I just want to get this sweet awesome packaging open and let the sunshine loose!

Oh. What the eff? This is just an ordinary sack of pencil erasers. Not the cool kind that are scented either. You know, the ones that you tried when nobody was looking. I mean, we all did it. They smelled delicious like strawberries and grapes. This does not.  Look at it. We had to eat that. Look at it again. It looks like ear wax or ear plugs or ears plugged with wax. Actually, I swear I have seen a suppository that looks like this. That makes sense. It is probably more enjoyable to put this where the sun don't shine. (See what I did there? The Original Where The Sun Don't Shine)

S-Um. I just had to swallow it. This has never happened before but I just had to get it out of my mouth. This candy tastes like someone else's sour breath. If that doesn't make sense to you, think about it. Someone else's sour breath. Do you have it? That is this. Was this the original color? Fix it. Make it taste good. Do something. I don't like this at all. 1-for the weird shape-out of 5.

d- Nope. What? Who missed this? Who was like "Oh man, have you ever had wax, dust, whatever is in erasers, and sadness? It is delicious. I can't find the original but I am feeling inspired!" There is almost a sour bile kind of faintness to it. Like stomach bile fruit leather. I give this snack a 1-One time my friend Aaron and i were playing in this desolate field where there was a slide. We were kids. It had rained. I chose to climb up the wet slide in muddy shoes with no traction. I slipped and as I slid down toward the huge puddle waiting for me at the bottom I shouted "I CAN'T STOP! I CAN'T STOP!" until I crash landed butt first into the puddle. We still laugh about this 20 plus years later. Even bad choices can make the best stories-out of 5.

Lastly we have a gummy from the mighty meiji company. I ordered this from Japan as I love almost every gummy I have ever had from there. This one is Guava flavored.

So here we can see all of the ingredients. I have no idea what any of this says but I do know that this gummy uses 100% fruit juice and each pouch has 2,600 mg of collagen. This isn't the first collagen gummy i have had. This can creep some people out. Supposedly by eating the collagen your skin will look younger. I don't know if that is true. It makes me think I am eating ear lobes. Like in a positive and proactive way. That is normal right?

Ok. The smell is of fruit. I am not super well versed in guava but I am pretty sure this is it. Nearly every gummy I have had from Japan has had this awesome aroma when the bag is opened. You just want to eat it. So we did:

S- Alright. This IS good. This is a good gummy. This is like a beauty treatment and a sweet snack all in one. I get it. This is good. I am going to eat another one. 5 out of 5!!!!

d- Great! Not fake sweet. This is a naturally fruity kinda deal. (well put) This is like a more elastic fruit snack. These are really fragrant. I am going to probably finish these now. I give this a 5-In college I wanted to be involved with the WRC (women's resource center) which did all sorts of incredible work and was run by some really amazing women. The problem was 'What could I offer?" Well, I volunteered to run STITCH AND BITCH. That is right, every week I hosted Stitch and Bitch. Me and around 5 ladies would gather and chat while knitting. Only I had a dirty little secret. You see, I didn't know how to knit. I had learned just how to cast on. So all I did was cast on over and over and over. People enjoyed my bitching so much that they didn't care about my stitching.-out of 5.

So there we go. Another instalment draws to a close.  I encourage you to choose new things to try. Choose things you are pretty sure you won't like. Choose to be kind to strangers. Choose to be helpful. Choose things for other people's benefit. Whatever you do don't choose things that will insulate you in outcomes you already know. At least choose to look at the options and of course, thanks for choosing to read this.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Chews Life. Be the gummy.

So I was thinking about chewy candies and it dawned on me that "chewy" might be a better way to live than "hard." I am talking lifestyle. Candy metaphor lifestyle. Now I am not saying that one shouldn't have morals or ideals or stand for something. Sure, we should all do that. I am saying that perhaps there are ways that we all could be a tad less rigid. What I am saying is be open.

If you think about it, when you first chomp down on a gummy there is a sort of remix that happens. Your teeth might not break all the way thru and just the shape of the gummy changes a bit. Now it might even regain it's shape at that point. If this had been a hard candy it would break or splinter. You don't have to break. A bit of a stretch maybe but hear me out.

See, last year I told my wife that I was going to have a year of yes. Whenever she asked if I wanted to do something my answer would always be "yes" even if I didn't really want to go downtown or whatever it was. Why would I decide to do that? I did it because I had become perfectly happy in my home with the blinds drawn in my controlled environment. I needed to test myself. I needed to be open. So my awesome wife was the integral part of the equation because it wasn't up to me what I was going to or not experience. Well now we are coming up to the new year again and what do you think happened?

Nothing except a years worth of fun memories and experiences that I wouldn't have had otherwise with the person I care about the most. To be honest, I wish I had decided to do year of yes from day one. Every moment, no matter how small, you can spend with the person you care about and an inside joke or a moment of endearment can happen at anytime.

My point isn't in absolution it is an open evolution. I don't regret it. Not even things that I didn't maybe enjoy much but to be honest I can't name one of those but I can name several really fun memories that I might have previously missed. All I am saying and all this funny little blog is saying is "Try new things. Please be open to great and even bad experiences." That is life. You can't do the whole live and learn thing if you stick to what you already know and never leave your little box. 

Ok. I am done. Let us eat the chewy candies!

Well hey there cuteness! (Um, I was talking to the panda.) Here we have SUPPANDA!! A strange little candy hailing from Tokyo. First impressions, either this is sour or that panda's mouth is down south and what is supposed to be down there is on it's face. You get what I am saying? You know, like:
()*().  Well, that doesn't look right. Never mind lets just move on to the back.

Much better. So here we see the panda still has a b*tthole for a mouth and it's armpit is proclaiming something about a pineapple. That explains...um..a lot.

So it looks pretty sour. It smells slightly of either powder lemon and pineapple. At this point we have pineapple and Tokyo going in this snacks favor. I am pretty excited about trying it.

S- Well, the panda's mouth looks like a butth*le. So minus one style point for making me picture a panda butt. Mmm. It tastes good. Is there goo in the middle? I like it. I don't normally like the goo. I give it a 4-out of 5.

d- I like the texture. It has some resistance. Like a kinda ballsy jelly bean but not grainy. Like a high quality Spree. Is that the one? The goo is good. A little tart but not sour really. A nice pineapple flavor. I give this snack a 4-I don't like crowds but I can survive them by preparing myself before hand-out of 5.

In my humble opinion. You cannot go wrong with a cola flavored gummy from Japan. You can't. Anytime I try one I feel like a super mega winner. So here, that is exactly what we have. My mouth is watering. Obviously the front tells me nothing since I can't read Japanese. I think it says " Hey dirk! Buy these because they are soooooo delicious! Speaking of Dell. Remember that "shoulda got a dell" commercial. Whatever happened to that kid? Kids was a movie. Who wrote that one " I like to move it. Move it" song and why isn't that in commercials for U-Haul? You sure are good looking dirk. Have you been working out? Why yes, self. I have"
. . . . Wait, where were we?

Anyway, here we can see the back. Which clearly states....a lot of stuff. Pretty much all I know is that this candy is cola flavored and it has 2900 somethings worth of collagen. Is that a lot and why is it there? What is collagen?

I am not going to explain that to you. Me not got great thinking meats. So here is a link:

http://health.howstuffworks.com/skin-care/beauty/anti-aging/eating-collagen1.htm

Look at that little one. It is lightly dusted in a fine tart powder. Just opening the bag and I could smell awesome cola smell. Look, I don't drink soda. I don't drink any ever. (Unless it is for this blog.) That being said I love cola candy. I know. I don't understand it either.

S-I like it.  It has a nice texture. More body than the average gummy. Really good flavor. Minus one style point for looking like licorice. This could be like the Nicorette for soda drinkers. They could chew a piece of candy instead of drinking a gallon of soda. 5-out of 5.

d-Totally. I agree with every thing that you just (eats second piece) said. It has a nice chew and the flavor is really full but not too big. A nice tartness. If you like Haribo's sour cola bottles than this is like the high end of that. I give this snack a 5-Always look around you. There are funny little small things happening everywhere. It is amazing what the normal world finds normal.-out of 5.

Oh what? Dueling Japanese pineapple gummies? What did I win the mouth lottery? (That sounds like something one would lose in prison.) Once again I have no idea what any of that says and you know what my guesses are like. (Not entirely accurate.)

Whoa. Am I not the best photographer ever? Good lord I am terrible at taking pictures. This doesn't even show the collagen count. Yes this one features collagen as well. Mmmm. Animal proteins and stuff or things... It sure looks pretty on the packaging. Let's open it up!

Wait. What the f*ck is this? Where did the pretty shinny pineapple from the packaging go? This sure isn't it. This looks like a gummy from the dollar store. Luckily it smells of pineapple. Let's see how it tastes.

S-Uh. This tastes like canned pineapple. Why would anyone want to make a candy taste like canned pineapple. Minus one style point for looking so cloudy. The color is a real turn off. 3-outof 5.

d-It is ok but it does taste like canned pineapple. Who is the person that is like" Man, I LOVE canned pineapple. I just wish it was somehow more portable. I mean, than this can." It isn't terrible. It smells right. I give it a 3-I pretty much now know that anything "confit" is not for me but I had to try from beef cheek confit to duck confit to figure that out-of 5.

Ok so here we have a candy that is flavored......like......Um. Let's just get one thing out of the way. The thing at waist level on the melon man there.

That melon headed dude is sporting a full on erection. I believe this is a candy for kids. I mean, I have heard about being a fan of yourself but really! I mean, he is a melon man who is drinking a soda that tastes like him. And he is REALLY is into that.

Imagine tasting a soda that is flavored just like you. If you didn't almost vomit just now than you aren't applying your imagination. I mean, that isn't my thing but I have been in gas stations far from civilization where I have seen men who have wondered "Why t'aint thar human soders?" U no. Like a Marly soder, a Jethro soder, a Billy Bob soder... Taste like a juicy skin suit! Yee haw! Ma sister is ma wife." (Too much?) My point is that I am all for being open but maybe not that open.

(Why would anyone think that they should put a package on packaging for kids? right?)

Alright. So here we have a melon soda caramel. We have had a red wine caramel and a few others so lets just dive in.

S- Ugh. This tastes exactly like a banana runt. Exactly. (Spits it out.) -1 style point for the BS wax paper wrapping. 0-out of 5.

d- At first I am getting wax notes. Like a candle. Then the essence of cheap bubble gum. That is probably the soda flavor. After that follows hints of regret and banana flavor. This is gross and not at all like melon. Now I have never had melon soda but if this is what it tastes like I will pass. This snack gets a 1-The people that go to a day spa are very different than we are but in some way making them uncomfortable is even more satisfying than a seaweed massage-out of 5.

So ends another chewy episode of FOASP. Thanks for taking the time to read. Thanks to my wife for trying all of these snacks with me and for all of the year of yes experiences.

Lastly I'd like to share that a chef friend of ours started a 30 minutes for 30 days exercise challenge and we are a tad over a week in. The reason I mention this is because we are not big exercise people but here is what we have learned this far: 30 minutes is not a lot of time. It is very approachable. After 30 minutes of exercise a few days you really do feel different. It doesn't take much. In the time I would surf a few websites we have made a minute change to how we live and feel better. Also doing the exercises together is far more fun than alone. Lastly any exercise with any allusion to "buns" in the title is an exercise worth doing. Especially "Bollywood Booty 2."

Till next week. Keep your head up and out of any sodas.

.FooRd BloRg. Chews life. Choose candy.

There is true beauty in seeing a child eat a piece of candy for the first time. That moment of discovery. "What is this? This nectar of the gods that has befallen me." That moment of clarity. "This is what adults must be doing all the time that us kids aren't allowed to do. This is what all of the patience and hard work boils down to. This single ultimate goal. This is what they lock in cabinets. What they hide from us. This is what they do while we are asleep. This is what they wrestle for in their bed that one time I walked in."

For some of us, that first gummy bear or crappy generic jelly bean was merely the gateway candy. We don't even look back to it or even remember its name. It was just the moment that we knew that wasn't it. There were bigger and stronger goodies out there and we would eat any mushy pea and "clean" our room to get at those candies. If you wanted us to bark like a duck and log roll in dirt we'd do it. (We knew ducks didn't bark. We didn't care. Dignity is something you learn far after you commit to how far you'll go to get a Blow Pop.)

Addicts? Hardly. We can quit. We could quit. From time to time some of us do. We embark on juice cleanses, diets where you count points, lent, and temporary veganism? But we come back. Like a return to a celestial sweetness that shrouds us and beats back the dark forces at work in the world. Impending all encompassing governmental control? Oh I am sorry. I didn't hear you. I was looking at my Sweetarts roll because I just got two grape in a row and that is like winning the freaking lottery. 

Oh, you are going to judge us? OK. Fine. You are better. You are all grown up. You have your fish oil pills and flax seed. You win! I say "Nay!" (I don't now why...) Look inward good sir. Deep inside you there is a child drowning in fat free grossness. Throw him a red vine and help him out! Don't drop him a Lifesaver. That is a pretend candy and everyone knows it. Give them something fun. Watch them smile and relish that treasure. That is how candy should be enjoyed. Not some psuedo candy barely flavored that is stashed in your desk like it is something shameful. 

Today we stand up. Today we unite. Today we devour.

(Coincidentally, today we will be looking at three chewy candies. The 1-5 scale shall be in honor of childhood memories.)

First up we have Milkita. Milkita is a melon flavored milk taffy. (Ugh.) This snack comes from Japan but found its way into my candy bowl by our talented photographer friend Nate. He saw this in a market and figured it deserved a home on this blog. I have said it before to the homeless and I will say it again "My friends are awesome." (Before you get all "that was a mean thing to say to a homeless man" he was one of those uppity self righteous homeless people. Man, I hope he reads this when he checks his email at the library.)

Let's just take a look at the bag here. We have a cow who isn't wearing pants. That wouldn't be weird but the cow is wearing a shirt. So.......Alright, the cow is playing soccer. There is also a melon who is doing jumping jacks in the nude. Can we just agree that this all seems questionable. There is also milk just erupting throughout the back ground. Just a milk magma spew ejecting from an invisible fault line. Next to the jumping baby melon is a huge chunk of one of its parents and the cow's shirt has a number 7 on it. That is some real crazy business. (I apologize for the quality of the pictures.) There is also a sentence on the bottom of the window that reads "Try and taste the difference of all our other flavors."
Not the most confident invitation. (I could see this tagline working for Tacobell. Because it is all the same.) Seriously. Try? Alright. The back also says "Candy is slippery and can cause choking." That sentence is under allergy information. Allergy? I guess "some people" are allergic to "slippery". "Yes, I can't have anything with tree nuts, gluten, or slippery. Oh this has slippery? Damn. Thanks for the warning."

So I am guessing that the cow beat the melon at soccer as the cow is now assuming some sort of disco victory stance and has removed it's shirt as if to say "I am not number seven anymore! I am number one!" Can we just agree that fleshy hoofs are pretty gross. (You hear that, dudes in flip flops?) There is also a weird vortex coming out of the cows posterior. Is this another warning? I am not sure.

Taste wise: I have previously covered a melon milk drink that I froze into a delectable summer treat. This candy is pretty comparable to that. Minus drinkability and carbonation and plus slippery. When you first bite into it the candy yields slightly to the force of your teeth. You get a bit of melon flavor at this point and then comes a milk essence. Now, I don't drink milk. I think it is creepy. However I could see how people might really enjoy this. It isn't very sweet. I bet if you like creamy things and or melon than this would be right up your alley. It would be a great gift for your soccer team mates and a subtle way to let them know that you indecently expose yourself every time your team scores a goal. "I tried to tell you. Remember the cow with the melons? I am the melon cow." Speaking of that. Why doesn't this cow have an udder?

I give this snack a 3- I remember as a kid that bark chips on the playground often turned into lava but the back chips poured over puke in the hall never did. It was important though to not step in either.-out of 5.

Next we have a new product from the Bazooka candy brand. I found this at a local market. It was sitting on the counter by the cash register. Impulse buy style. I said "I do." and it came home with me. This also has some strange things going on with the wrapper. First of all, it clearly is taffy that you take a pen like tube and squirt sour goo on it and then eat it. That is a lot of work for a candy. I feel like they couldn't get the snack to work so they were like just let the kids do it and they will think it is fun. I don't. Wrap that taffy around that goo and lets go! Make me work for it? Shame on you.

Oh and the flavor is "Knock out punch." A candy where you draw with goo on taffy doesn't strike me as the demographic that would enjoy violence but ok. Sure Bazooka. Lets bring violence into the equation.

Not for children under three? Really? I could have told you that. Nobody under three is writing anything of consequence and certainly nothing on taffy. They are still wearing diapers. They aren't book keeping or writing checks. (I am not a parent but I feel like all of my personifications and developmental judgements are spot on today.)

Dare to drop? Isn't that the whole appeal of this half cocked idea? It isn't really a dare if that is literally part of enjoying the process. "Look kid. This taffy isn't great. The flavor is like a really seriously cheap Airheads that got super stale. The only thing that may improve your candy situation here is this sour slime. Dare to drop." That is hardly a dare. It is only up hill from the cruddy candy. POUR THAT STUFF ON IT! Also next time kid, don't buy impulse candy when you are buying a 6 pack of tall boys. You know it won't end well.

It is nice that they are all individually wrapped and that there is a cap on the goo pen. You don't want your goo pen dripping everywhere. The weird thing about the goo pen is the cap has a piece sticking down the side. Like a regular pen cap. Like a kid is going to put it in their shirt pocket. Like a real pen. "See each piece is wrapped so he can put them in his pocket and when wants a snack he just unwraps one and squirts his goo on it and goes." Good planning. But if that kid is like me. One candy is one serving. Not one piece. One candy. The item as a whole. All that wrapping is going in the trash after one sitting. What a waste.

How does it taste? Pretty much as I have already explained. The taffy is waxy and neutral. It has a touch of punch flavor as it becomes grainy in your mouth. Man what a fun candy. Then the semi sour slime mixes with the sandy super sugary breakdown of the taffy and it ends with your teeth wanting to be in a different mouth and your tongue regretting being yours. It tastes cheap and poorly conceived. (Like any song by lmfao) This seems like a clear case of bad design meets novelty meets buyers remorse. Could this have been fun? Yes. Make the taffy into little checks and then the kid signs the check with the pen and the tagline is "Don't write checks that your mouth can't cash." Right? Give those little bankers what they want.

I give this taffy a 1-I remember few of my teachers names from elementary school but I will never forget the name of the boy who pooped his pants on the bus. Keep your head up Stevie Shannon. Wherever you are.-out of 5. (I bet he doesn't drive school busses)

This is Ninja gummy. This candy hails from Japan and comes in a variety of flavors. Wonderful flavors like grape... I love grape candies from Japan. Sure there are other flavors but why list them because grape is the best. What you say? This doesn't look like grape? That is because it isn't. Yeah. I decided to get Ume. Now if you don't know what Ume is than l shall educate you.  Ume is a fruit that americans refer to as a plum but it is more closely related to an apricot.  Yeah, it is like a hybrid of two grandma flavors. Neither is as much fun as grape. You often hear kids wanting grape juice. You don't often hear kids wanting apricot juice. If you do hear a kid say that just know that its parents are jerks. Jerks who probably aren't fun and their house smells of stale air, boredom,  and cottage cheese. Sneak that kid a Rollo and blow their mind.

Now there is something else I have to tell you about this snack. It isn't just "plum/apricot" it is salt cured plum/apricot.

Listen carefully. All other warnings you have ever received pale in comparison to what I am about to tell you. Everything your parents warned you about is bullsh*t. Those things won't kill you. Heck I bet those things are fun and make for good stories when used in moderation. Now turn off your tv. Silence your cell phone. Tell whomever is around you to shut their pie hole.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

This gummy is THE worst thing I have tried. Yes. It steals the crown from the vomit inducing Bacon Tabs. (Even though the thought of B.T.s still makes me get the vomit salivations.) These things are so evil.

When you heard as a child that bad things happen in parks at night-this is what those bad things are.

When you hear about bad things happening in a prison shower-this is what they were referring to.

When you heard Texas Chainsaw Massacre was based on a true story-THIS IS THAT STORY.

Here is the breakdown of possibly the worst candy experience on the planet:

Upon opening the pouch you get a whiff of what it would be like if fruit leather could poop on actual leather which also happened to be on fire. It is musky. Like if you put a fruity lotion on the uppermost inner thighs of an elephant. Jogged it around for an hour and then smelled it. Not for the faint of heart.

(Before we get too deep into this unsettling moment I'd like to ask you a question. Did you ever try the Miller light with salted lime? No? Well it tasted like someone sweat in your bud light with lime. It was disgusting. Ok, carry on.)

The first thing you taste is a slight tang which gave me a false sense of security. I hoped now that it would be just intense and fruity. WRONG. Then it is like all of the air in your mouth is sucked out and a dark shroud of baneful beastly evil envelopes your tongue. Then comes the whatever fruit flavor which is quickly covered by a disgusting wave of salt. There are evil layers of sickness trapped in your mouth and as you chew "fruitlessly" to get it down it keeps changing and becoming saltier and more shoe closety (not a word) in your mouth. My eyes began to water and my throat casts its vote not to be involved in anymore salted plum saliva. So around ten chews or so I expelled it into the trash and attempted to undo the damage it rout in my mouth. Which left me with no fruit flavor. Just a sense of aged decay, sickening salt, and sadness.

My mouth, once a playground for candy, was now nothing more than a bottomless wasteland of sadness and deep regret. The clarity I once had gained has now been marred. I would like to say that I will bounce back from this but this is like when a kid's first pet dies. I know now that death exists. It is my mouth. My mouth becometh death. Thanks to you Ume. You and your ninjas in business suits and reading glasses. (Look at the package again.)

I give this snack a 0- I remember swimming once and I was about to jump in the pool when a bee stung my back. I turned just in time to see it ripping its stinger end off and its bee intestines spilling out on my back. I 'd rather relive that moment every hour than eat this ume gummy again.-out of 5.


*Thank you to Nate for his submission. Thank you for reading. Now I need to go burn some sage on my mouth. My taste buds have informed me that we aren't "buds" anymore. Here's to building bridges!



p.s. I bought the salted plum gummy in a three pack. FML

.fOOrD BLOrG. Small things may surprise you.

All my life I have been of small stature. This never bothered me. I never had a Napoleon complex or was one of those angry little men. This point of view is all I know since I wasn't small and grew tall or was tall and was shrank on accident by a device built by Rick Moranis. (Yet...) An interesting thing about size though is it can be deceiving. Something smaller can surprise you. For instance, Sarah and I were on a walk once-up some sketchy steps-thru a weird woods area and suddenly a squirrel blocked our path and refused to move. It was a stand off. You would think something smaller (although it had a big cranium) facing two people much larger would scurry away. (I would, I love to scurry.) But it stood its ground in a menacing way. Now we had traveled quite far up these steps but we were pondering going back down since we were faced with this curious situation. There is something off putting about a small fearless creature where you think "if it isn't scarred it MUST have a reason. A secret." Luckily it needed to be menacing elsewhere and it leaped up a tree and vanished into the foliage. Even though we couldn't see it, we knew it was there. Watching us like the predator watches Arnold Schwarzenegger only in squirrel vision not in heat vision.

So today we will discuss some small treats that accomplish big feats. Sort of, see I kind of liked the rhyme there....they really are just treats, you know?...Some with good surprises and some with maybe not so good surprises.
Oh snap, is that a gummy from Japan? HELLS YEAH IT IS!!! You already know how I feel about this treat don't you? Well you should. Japanese gummies are epically awesome! But how are these?

Pretty darn good. The texture is not too chewy and not too soft. The exterior is coated in a tangy sugar but not too much and not over powered in citric acid as the picture might imply or one might conclude from the lemon part of the description. What first resonates on your palate is lemon but it isn't super intense and after a few chews you get the cola flavor. A pretty rad ride through flavor country if you ask me. It delivers on its promise.

The downside is that they come all the way from Japan. You cannot find them in the states and they are about 2 dollars. Now that isn't a ton of money unless you have to pay 18 dollars shipping and there are only about 12 gummies in the bag. Overall I give this snack a 4.5-I always have leg room in cars and on planes out of 5.
WHAT???? Another Japanese gummy???? APPLE GINGER ALE? Is it my birthday????? (Answer to the last question: No, but it is soon. So go return some bottles and buy me a present. I know this is a recession so don't feel obligated to buy me a champagne jacuzzi or a diamond encrusted speedo. Hmm, I don't like the word "crusted" next to the word "speedo".)

Ok, so you know this is good.... but how good? How about THE BEST!!! Yes, this is the best gummy I have ever eaten. For my palate. I like earthy flavors, herby flavors, metallic cocktails, and things more sour than sweet. Now this isn't sour. But what it is-is unbelievable. Here is a closer look.
Awe, it is so cute and tiny. BUT the flavor within is enormous. First you get the apple. Almost like a light perfume of fresh apple just dances across your tastebuds. Then you get a hint of ginger ale which grows and deepens on your tongue as if the ginger is really growing in your mouth. Real ginger flavor. Not powdered ginger or candied ginger. This is like a real deal ginger soda. It is the best marriage of fruit and ginger on the planet. THIS IS WORTH 20 DOLLARS! Luckily if you buy it for 2 and a bunch of other stuff then the shipping kinda evens out. I give this snack a 10-I fit inside most boxes-out of five.
Chowards? Who let you back in here? Didn't we already discuss two of your friends? Yes we did. And they weren't the best discussions if I recall. Ok well, lets open you up and see what's happening.
Oh, well that is pretty cute. Sarah bought these for me which is super nice. Violet huh? Well, I will just put this candy in my mouth and....oh. Oh no. ugh. I....made....a......mistake! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It is horrid!!!! Blech!!!!

It tastes like my mouth is the air filter at an octogenarian tea party!!! (For those who don't know, an octogenarian is someone between the age of 80 and 85.) It is stale and perfumee in the worst of ways. (I know perfumee is not a word.) Remember when I described something as " licking a sweaty wig"? This has some of that too. Not good. Very much so not good! This is like somebody gave you an organic soap and you wash your face with it and it gets in your mouth. Snacks shouldn't have the flavor experience of accidentally consumed household items. I give this snack a 1-why do I have to buy jeans sized for a husky 12 year old-out of five.

Oh come on! From Chowards to a candy from Mexico??? What, did my mouth lose a bet? Can I go back to the Japanese gummies please? Gosh darn it! There I said it. Now my good pal and bro in law Dave bought these for me. What a kind guy....or an evil mofo. These hard candies are called Chili Rokas. I think he got these in Seattle when he was touring doing cage fights. I am pretty sure I am recalling that correctly. (He doesn't fight cage fights...that is rule number one but if this doesn't go well I might enter him in one.) Lets take a closer look-
Huh, individually wrapped hard candies in four different flavors. That is different. 65 individually wrapped fruit flavored candies called chili rokas. That is allot of chili rokas. To be honest I would rather have 65 apple ginger ale gummies but lets just see how this goes.

I chose to sample the Pineapple flavor. Upon unwrapping the candy I first noticed that it had a beautiful yellow sheen to it. Not the usual chili dusted sweat candies I have been accustomed to from Mexico. Feeling ok at this point I put the round yellow candy in my mouth and was surprised to find no salty taste just a rather pleasant pineapple candy flavor. No not a fresh pineapple candy flavor but a candy pineapple flavor. Like one would expect to taste if they hadn't been burned by crappy mexican candy before.

Here is the problem with me and hard candy, after about a minute I just want to chew it up and move on. I don't have time to sit around slowly eroding a butterscotch with my tongue. What do you think I am an octogenarian? So after a minute I bit down on my pineapple friend who was bridging the ill blood I have with mexican sweets when I was instantly bamboozeled. Or maybe I was hornswogled. Well, either way it was massively unpleasant! In the center of this hard candy there is a lurking evil made up off chili powder and salt. Yeah, it is like your tongue got punked and then your whole mouth and then your whole day. Sure, maybe they designed it to slowly leak out like the fun fizzy center of Zotz. Only this is not Zotz nor is it fun. It hits you like somebody dumps chili powder in your mouth and sprays sweat into your mouth from a super soaker. (Now why that person would do that let alone have the time to fill a super soaker with sweat is beyond me but if you are hanging out with that person, you have made some questionable decisions.) Long gone was the fruity pineapple candy friend I had just met. They had died a terrible death and their guts were rotten and clinging to every inch of my mouth. I spit with all my might!!! I do believe my salivary glands were dry heaving in an attempt to cleanse the soiled wasteland that had become my mouth. Alas there was to be no comfort found. No knight in apple ginger ale gummy armor would ride in and rescue the now destitute and downtrodden king that was once my tongue. His kingdom had fallen. Pestulance had taken hold and poisoned his domain until all life had withered and taken leave.

It was a dark time, indeed. But as often what happens in the most dire of times there was to be a hero. For there was one, last, beacon of hope. Who was present to rise up against the dastardly chili rokka. Who was it??? You will have to read about it-NEXT TIME!!!!!!

~cliff hanger~oooooooh ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Oh, and I give this snack a 1- thirty something man who needs a stool to reach most things in the kitchen-out of 5.

.FOOrD BLOrG. chews-your own adventure. Part 2: Electric Chewaloo

Yes, you read that correctly this is the second post inspired by choose your own adventure novels. I enjoyed composing the last one so much that I decided to do another. (It also happens that I had consumed three chewy treats and therefor need not think of a new premise or angle for this blog post....very sneaky.) So if you missed the last epic post, fret not for this is not a continuation. This is a whole new adventure:

GLAGNAR AND THE WHISPERING STAFF

It was dusk and mist ebbed between the trees of Dark Hallows forest. You are GLAGNAR a

well known and respected warrior who recently obtained a mystical item from an ogre who had

fell upon some hard times and had to sell some things to make ends meet. That same ogre had

also had a stroke and fell upon your blade giving the illusion that you had slain him. An illusion

you embraced since only you know that you have never done anything heroic or for anyone else.

Your entire life however has been a series of events that have always provided you with the

appearance of a hero.

Upon approaching a small brook you pause to wash off Glagnar's unmentionables and in doing so

accidentally unwrap the mystical item. It is the whispering staff from wandering peak. An enchanted

staff with the ability of speech. Created by a lonely bridge ogre who simply needed someone to talk to

while he spent his entire life on and under that bridge. You are overjoyed to have this item and leap

from the brook and begin twirling it about yourself. Again on accident, you smack the staff against

a rotten tree and as it topples over it crushes a sand troll which was chasing a tiny pixie with broken

wings. The pixie, overjoyed at the death of the evil sand troll reveals to you it's secret pixie treasure.

The pixie says that you may choose from three magic delights. One will grant you an amazing magic

power and the other 2 will royally f-you up. (That is the pixies words not mine...nasty pixies.)

The whispering staff says "choose none and proceed to town". If you choose the pixie's trial please read

on. If you choose to listen to your whispering staff than skip to the end of the post marked "town".
Our first snack is an oldie. Gummi fruit slices!!! Now I remember buying these as a kid from the Nutcracker which was a candy kiosk in Valley River Mall in Eugene Or. My parents would give me a dollar and I would spend 15 minutes agonizing over what to get. (although I usually went with gummy sour balls.) Now I am not sure if these are always stale or they are supposed to be this texture. They seem stale. In anycase their flavors don't change much wether you choose grapefruit, cherry, orange, strawberry or lime. Except lime sucks in any candy and orange is just boring. I mean who likes orange candy? Not I. Whenever I open a pack of candy (which is an exciting time, believe me) and see an orange it is like being excited to hold a kitten and it pees on you. Not cool. The grapefruit didn't really taste like anything and grapefruit is one of my favorite flavors of anything. For that crime alone I give this snack 2 dragon's rapping about dragon problems out of five.

The pixie urges you to eat the first choice. Your whispering staff says "choose none and proceed to town. Glagnar is in a bind. If you choose to listen to the pixie then proceed to the ending marked 'fruit slice'. If you choose to listen to your whispering staff then skip to the end of the post marked "town".
Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. That is a photo of Fanta flavored Hi-chew candy. Anyone who knows of Hi-chew candy knows that they are amazing. The flavors rarely disappoint. The grape in my opinion is one of those flavors that you can't stop eating until the pack is gone. I saw this on a website and I had to order it directly from Tokyo. Not even because I love Fanta. In fact, to be honest, I can't recall when I last had Fanta if ever. I simply couldn't get past the grape thing. I just saw 'new grape flavor hi-chew' and that was all I needed.

Well, it isn't amazing. I know. Bummer. It isn't bad but it just isn't stellar. I really expected to be wowed. One interesting thing with this taffy like chew is that there are tiny dark purple hard things in the chew. Not like super hard but more like enough to add a textural element. Either way it wasn't worth 2 bux and I won't even go into the shipping costs. I give this chew a 3 harpys singing 'the crying game' out of five.

The pixie really urges you to choose this snack but your whispering staff says "no way dude. I have a really bad feeling about this...proceed to town. oh and please don't hit me against trees."

If you choose to listen to the pixie then proceed to the ending marked 'fanta'. If you choose to listen to your whispering staff then skip to the end of the post marked 'town'.

Lastly we have a Grapefruit Hi-chew!!!!!!!!! (and the imaginary crowd in my mind goes wild !!!!!) Yea, remember what I said earlier about grapefruit? IT IS THE BEST! Well, this is grapefruit and from Japan. It. Is. Awesome. For some reason it is twice the size of the Fanta pack too. Which is fine by me because it is friggin' delicious!!! Seriously great. Talk about giving everything it promises perfectly. I have never seen this in a store Asian or otherwise. I would completely order this from Japan again. The only problem is I have to put it back into my candy droor before eating a piece or I would devour the whole pack. I give this snack 5 mages singing 'Don't stop believing" out of 5.

The pixie seems sure that this is the right one. Your whispering staff says "No way homie. Proceed to the next town. This pixie be trippin'.

If you choose to listen to the pixie then proceed to the ending marked 'fruit slice'. If you choose to listen to your whispering staff then skip to the end of the post marked 'Town."

Fruit slice- You place the gummy in your mouth and begin chewing. The pixie begins a deep and bass filled belly laugh. You die in an indescribable way...for anyone but the whispering staff who describes the entire ordeal in great detail constantly. In fact that is all it whispers about for the rest of time to anyone who obtains it. And it mentions your diminutive unmentionables constantly.

Fanta- You place the candy into your mouth and neck muscles begin to bulge at an alarming rate. You think you are expanding like the Hulk. (which you don't know what that is) Sadly the rest of your body doesn't follow suit and you must live out the rest of your days dragging your gigantic neck muscles around until they form huge fat rolls since you couldn't operate such huge neck muscles and they eventually suffocate you in your sleep. Which is totally not a cool thing to do.

Grapefruit- You place the candy into your mouth and smoke bellows from your nostrils. Lightning shoots from your eyes and fireballs form in your palms. Your feet turn to gold and everywhere you step you leave a paper thin gold foot print. You are like super attractive to all the right people now. Like as if Tom Selleck circa 1980 and Sean Connery circa 1970 had a baby with gold feet and fireball hands. Everybody says awesome things to you. For like ever. And you get loads of smooches from the babes.

Town- You leave the foolish pixie and travel on to the town. Unfortunately the town has been burned to the ground by a gang of whispering staffs. They see you have captured their brethren and they descend upon you. Beating themselves against your shins and knees and elbows and sometimes your chin. All the while whispering over the top of each other. You can't so much as distinguish a word that an individual staff is saying and that is quite frustrating. The beating goes on for hours as does the annoying whispering. Finally you can't hold onto your whispering staff any longer and they disappear in the surrounding woods. You collapse to the ground only to be found by gypsy cannibals. Who were coming to town to rob and eat everyone. They are quite perturbed that you burned all of their dinners. So they eat you up like you are a grapefruit hi-chew.

The end.

.FOOrD BLOrG. chews-your own adventure.

Remember choose your own adventure stories? The excitement of deciding if the hero was to enter the cave or be wary of the cave and choose the rope bridge instead by turning to page 137. This deciding moment also defined you by wether you would cheat and look ahead to see if the decision was fatal. Did you cheat? Tell the truth now. Well, I did. Hey, I was investing time into this valiant crusade and I'd be a monkeys uncle before I didn't finish that book and win. (I have no idea what that "monkeys uncle" means at all.)

The Frozen heart

You are Jameson, a paladin who has been questing in search of a mystical edible jewel that once consumed will save you from over healing forever and it will unfreeze the wizard's daughter with whom you are in love. You stand before a wood slab which displays the objects of your quest. Now if you choose to taste the first snack then please scroll down the page to the first snack. Otherwise please scroll down to the end of this post.Up first we have a Mango gummy. I know the picture is a tad deceptive. The gummy is actually about the size of a penny. Sarah and Dave returned from SF with these. THOSE TWO PEOPLE ARE AWESOME! (Hopefully, you aren't tired of me giving those two props because I plan to spend the rest of my days doing so.) The gummy is quite soft and spongy and has a pleasant fragrance of Mango. The flavor is subtle enough for you to crave another....and another. It is a good thing these come in a bag of fourty or so because I will eat them! I give this treat 4 enchanted swords out of five. If you agree that this is the edible jewel than proceed to the end of the post marked (mango). Otherwise read on.
This taffy was found by Sarah on her trip to Petaluma CA. I figured it was going to be pretty hard to find but then I found it in a nearby Dollar Tree. Yea. So I was a tid bit worried to try it. Lets face it, poor people are known for refined tastes the same way a balrog is known for it's good looks Am I right? The color of the taffy was laffy taffy pink and the smell was more subtle than laffy taffy strawberry. Definitely more sweet than sour. In fact not sour at all or tart. The flavor was creamy and the taffy was not too chewy. Kinda more like a strawberry shake than a strawberry but if that is your thing than go get one! I give the taffy 2.5 dwarves with bizmuth bronze axes out of five. If you agree that this is the edible jewel than proceed to the end of the post marked (Taffy). Otherwise read on.
These Fruit Pastiles were obtained for this judgement by Dave. They contain 25% fruit juice a but appear to have a sugar coating on them. The taste is like Chuckles. Do you remember those? They are a rather subdued and boring gummy candy that had a sugar coating on the outside to distract you from their utter lack of flavor. These aren't quite that bad but they aren't that special either. I would eat them if I had no other candy and wanted some sweets but otherwise I would pass on these. If you agree that this is the edible jewel than proceed to the end of the post marked (Pastile). Otherwise read on.
Here we have another caramel from Hokkaido. You might recall the red wine carmel from a previous post. Well this one is from Chinatown in SF instead of special ordered from Japan. The flavor is Guarana which you might recognize from energy drinks. This is really interesting. When you chew it, you get the consistence of a caramel but then the flavor switches to what you know of from energy drinks. It is really confusing and yet not terrible. I wouldn't eat a whole box of them but one here and there isn't so awful. Overall I give it 3 mages wielding compulsion spells out of 5. If you agree that this is the edible jewel than proceed to the end of the post marked (guarana). Otherwise choose :none of them

(MANGO)Upon returning to Eustachian mountain you approach the frozen body of the wizard's daughter. You place the mango gummy in her mouth and a thick fog begins filling the room. The sound of chains rattling and whips cracking is heard. The gate closes behind you and the wizard daughter's eyes begin to glow. Your body ceases and you can do nothing but watch as the wizard's daughter slowly changes into the wizard. He professes his love for you and shrinks you down and seals you in gem that dangles from his ear. Yeah, he has a really lame earing and you are it.

(TAFFY) Upon returning to Eustachian mountain you approach the frozen body of the wizard's daughter. Jameson falls to his knees at her side. He has dozens of arrows protruding from his back and a venomous snake bite on his tongue. (long story...) With his last ounce of strength he places the taffy in her mouth and he falls to the floor. The wizard's daughter awakens and sees her hero on the floor. She turns him over and deduces that only her enchanted kiss shall revive her hero. Alas upon closer examination she notices the snake bite and suddely finds Jameson really weird and grody. You die on the floor and everyone thinks you are weird.

(Fruit Pastiles) Upon returning to Eustachian mountain you approach the frozen body of the wizard's daughter. As Jameson removes the pastile from his pocket the wizard appears. He is like hella pissed off and says some serious wizard speak. You aren't sure what to make of the situation because maybe wizards just sound angry when they talk....you know, like germans. Unfortunately for you, while he is german and a wizzard, his daughter is diabetic. He assumes you are trying to poison her and he demands that you spend eternity in a dungeon comprised of things you find disagreeable.

(Guarana) Upon returning to Eustachian mountain you approach the frozen body of the wizard's daughter. Due to Jameson's high level of perception you notice that even though her body has been in stasis that she has grown a wicked mustache. As an act of kindness and in hopes of a kiss after saving her life you remove your blood knight dagger and shave her mustache off. Suddenly and without warning a deafening boom is heard. You clutch your ears causing you to drop the guarana candy to the floor where it sits for well over the allowed ten seconds rule. On your knees you look at the fallen antidote aware that you shall spend the rest of your days growing older while piniing over your sleeping wizard's daughter. When suddenly (yes, suddenly again) Jameson feels a gentle hand on his shoulder. It is the wizards daughter! As it turns out the evil spell placed on her was more like 'an evil mustache coma spell thing' and not so much a 'go on a candy quest sort of thing'. You are overjoyed and spend the rest of your days together riding like dragons and stuff.

(None of them) Upon returning to Eustachian mountain you approach the frozen body of the wizard's daughter. Jameson speaks "Hey, so I was eating a bunch of candy but none of it was special enough to save you. Soooooo, sorry about that." Jameson puts his battle scarred hand on her cheek and a single tear slowly rolls down her cheek. Upon contact of his wounds Jameson feels as if 1000 angels are kissing his wounds away but instead you poop your self to death. Not quickly either. Yeah, don't go on a quest for a wizard's daughter and return empty handed. You newb.