.FOOrD BLOrG. DIY Snacks

There is nothing new about the idea of DIY (Do it Yourself). Many generations look back to previous generations and learn that they can do things that have since become more accessible through big business. Gardening and canning are obvious examples. Sure you can go to the supermarket and buy food or you can grow it and even preserve anything of excess for consumption through the winter. Genius. There has always been an undercurrent of people in these life crusades that frankly not too many people have the time or interest. Those people (whom we will refer to as the majority) have no qualms with sitting in their car in a line at a Taco bell because they don't feel like cooking. (Which if you ask me they are also saying that they don't care about eating either.) Fine. I am trying not to judge. (I am also completely judging but then editing out the sentences.) There are other people who grew their own tomatoes and onions. Then they made a simple red sauce and canned it months ago. They came home and heated up their no preservative, canned at the height of flavor, and freshness sauce and had a satisfying delicious meal. I am still trying not to judge but I can tell you who felt better after the meal. (Also the other person is a gross pig bodied fanny face. *Oops missed that judgement. My apologies to any PBFF.) 

An obvious example but people also DIY clothes, soap, chickens, jewelry, home repair, goats, car mechanics, and pet grooming (probably). I like the idea of it all but like many people I have a limit to that which I can do for myself. Time is the biggest limit but also ability. (I am not allowed to use power tools. This is a very valid rule. One that I don't have the time to get into today but maybe next week.) For example, if I had a child, there is no way that I could do cloth diapers. There are other factors too like "gross." (Now if you want to blow your mind just look at a cloth diaper blog. We are talking 1000s of readers and 1000s of DIY brands.) I hear people talk about it and they say "You have to dump the baby by product (Which is all a baby does. Do you know why people always say a baby looks cute in a picture? It is because you can't smell them. (*Eh, that sounds like a judgement. Judges? Ok. No name calling so we will let that one pass.) then you have to rinse the foulness from the cloth as best you can. Now remember all of this is happening without gloves on. Yeah, grody-mcstinky finger has poop hands! (*Ok that is a total judgement even if it is a fact. Plus it should be capitalized. Public apology to all G-MFs) Then you wash it with your clothes in the wash. See what I mean? It is gross, a lot of work, and too time consuming. (Not to mention a ton of the designs are Tye dyed or have peace signs. If I wanted my imaginary baby to look like a hippy I'd let her grow out her dreadlocks.)  Wait, what was my point?

Today we are going to talk about snacks. Snacks and the idea of: Could I do this myself?

Alright, so first we have a popcorn from Masala Pop which is a Portland Oregon business. I would like to preface this review with the fact that I don't like caramel corn and rarely eat popcorn. So please take that into consideration.

As we can see on the front, this is anything but ordinary. This version (and I believe they have three core varieties and a seasonal feature. I think.) is Chai Masala Popcorn with Oregon Hazelnuts. (Along with the beginning preface I should add that I don't really care for hazelnuts either.) Often in these ramblings I talk about the buzzwords on the front of products. The tactical statement on the front that triggers want or need in the brain and insures that we as consumers will buy the product. Masala Pop clearly communicates what it is and if you don't get enough from the opening statement then they break it down for you below that. This is smart because not everyone understands or knows what chai or masala is or means. Mostly because they are too busy dying in their pointless routines of eating the same bland mayonnaise laden turkey and cream cheese bagel bites with a side of hamburger helper. What a bunch of Chump-Dumps sitting like lumps swelling up their bumps. (*Clearly that was a judgement. Also not so clearly is what that last bit means. Apologies to whomever that was targeted at. Although chances are they don't read this blog. One because they aren't my mother or my wife and also because everyone knows that Chump-Dumps can't read anything that doesn't say ranch.* Second judgement. Sorry. It is kind of fun though.
)
Lastly, Masala Pop includes a very nice photo on the front to cover anyone that is........Ok. Stopped myself there. Lets just say it is a wise move on their part. Moving on....

I love products that put everything out there. On the back we have just that. They don't hide behind "secret ingredients." They also are showing that they care about people who have food allergies. They seem proud of the product and what is in it and what isn't in it. They also aren't too preachy. I don't want a preachy snack. Nobody should. I can respect all of these things but what it really all comes down to is taste.

Well, the aroma is surprising. There are hints of spice and not a huge sweet smell. I can even detect the scent of popcorn. Yeah. I didn't expect that. See, that is what one word can do. Even though "Caramel" doesn't appear until the second sentence on the label, my brain puts that first. Probably because I know what caramel corn tastes like and my brain just wanted to classify what this snack is. However that is not what this is. There is something far more complex and intriguing going on here.  Lets see the breakdown:

S- Whoa. It is crunchy. I really like that I can taste the chai. It looks like the hazelnuts aren't coated in the same way as the popcorn which is nice and adds another dimension. This is great. I really like the crunch. 5-out of-5

d-It is really nice. I like the crunch and that this is far more savory than I expected. I thought this would be very sweet with hints of spice. I was wrong. Delicious.

Since trying this flavor I have tried the other offerings and they are all creative but make sense. They are all great but my favorite is the limited Saffron Rose. It is incredible. They sell these individually or they also have a tin situation. I recommend you get this if you like snacks, popcorn, kettle corn, or all around awesomeness.

Now for today's big question: Could I DIY this?

No.

Sure I can and have made flavored popcorn but you aren't going to get this light crispness or the aromatic warmth that this spice blend adds. Sure you can make some dumbed down version but why? The art to whatever their process is, is perfect here.

 I give them 5-Animal hats. Look lady, you are over 30 and wearing a hat with cat ears. It doesn't read "I am cute." or "I am eccentric." It reads "My therapy didn't take." Go back and get help. A homeless person doesn't even want to ask you for change and they once courted a frisbee. (Not even a frisbee golf one or even glow in the dark. Just one of those free ones. Yeah, I know.) Nobody cares if you DIY'd that hat but we all wish you DDTYAISH. (Didn't do that yourself and instead sought help.)-out of 5.

So on a not too recent trip to Seattle we encountered these chips. I had to buy these. Crab chip? Is that anything like a cow chip? Lets hope not. Ok. Cheap jokes aside, this is a great idea. Crab is a delight. Nobody is here to say crab isn't simply the delight of the sea and if you are you get your lilly-livered, flima-flab jibbering, wobbly-teated, land-loving self OUT OF HERE! (*Whoa. Ok that was another judgement. I am starting to seriously doubt my ability to self censor. This explains alot about how I am perceived both in and out of the work place. Oh and apologies to anyone named Carlyle or Phulva.*)
My point being that a little salt and spice is nice with crab. Have you ever had a crab boil? You know where you boil, crab, potatoes, and corn all in water with OLD Bay seasoning? If not then go DIY a crab boil. Trust me.

Uh huh. Yep. I can see on the back here we have.... Alright what are some of those ingredients? I get like the first five or so. Might I say, really nice photo skills. Wow. I am quite a DIY photographer. I should probably make an ETSY site where I just copy everyone else's idea. Oh someone does that already? How many? Most? Oh. Well maybe when I take up knitting and make arm warmers. (*Yeah, I noticed it too. This seems like poorly disguised judgery. What do you mean "judgery" isn't a word. Oh yeah, WELL IT ISN'T YOUR FOOD BLOG IS IT? YOU SELF RIGHTEOUS KNOW IT ALL! YOU KNOW LIFE ISN'T A GAME OF JEOPARDY AND YOUR MEMORIZED FACTS DON'T ACTUALLY MAKE YOU ANY BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. . . .ok, maybe we should all just take a breather. Lets just get up and do some stretches. Hip thrusts are calming? Lets just do some hip thrusts.. I DON'T SEE YOU THRUSTING!!!

How does it look? Well, there you go. They are quarter size roughly. Kinda cute.

S-This is pretty good. They are salty. I like the amount of salt. It might be too salty for some people but this is right up my salt alley. They get a plus one style point for the bag looking old timey. This looks like something you'd get at the beach in years gone by. 5-out of-5. A very good snack.

d- These are great. This is pretty much exactly what you'd want it to be. If you are going to eat a chip knowing that it is all oils and weird what not then this is the one and it would be great with crab. You'd need the salt on this chip.

Could I DIY it? No. Look I have tried "oven" fries. Not even close and not nearly as enjoyable. It just isn't. I know this isn't a kale chip. It isn't trying to be one. I have also seen people fry potatoes in an attempt to make a chip and they are almost always overdone. Especially in Portland sandwich shops. Buy the chip. It comes from the east coast but Picnic in Seattle sells them.

I give it a 5-Look. It is going to shrink. We all know it. Don't bother knitting him a sweater. It is going to go boxy and wonky on his body. It will probably also get too tight on his neck which will freak him out and subconsciously he will feel like you are smothering him. Save yourself the time and stick to scarves. He forgets them everywhere anyway. (because they make his beard itchy. Also ask him to shave off his beard. We hate it and it he lives in a city. He doesn't need to hide his face from the elements. Yes, even though he looks like Elvis DeGeneres with out it.)-out of 5.

Do you know what I love? Chickpeas. Yep. I know that isn't the toughest thing to exclaim but it is true. I love garbanzo beans or chickpeas whatever you want to call them. Cook them, mash them, bake them, blend them- I really don't care. Plain in a an herb salad. Fork yes! (Yeah, that made me hate myself...ugh.) So when I saw this in a Portland grocery store I had to try them. From the cover I figured that this is much like a peanut snack that I love to get from Asian groceries that has szechuan peppercorns in it. The aromatic heat blast of that snack contrasted with the peanut is awesome. I also really enjoy both pepper and coarse salt.

So on the back of the bag here we can see that there are health "facts." Ah they sound pretty good for you. Oh and they have recommended uses other than out of the bag...."Egg salad?" Go take a long walk off a short salad bar you SNACK FREAKSHOW! (*My apologies for this outburst. I really thought we had moved past this. Sorry Good Bean.) Seems to me that egg salad, other than being completely disgusting, is a weird choice for....I am sorry but the idea is just making we want to vomit. Weird choice Good Bean also why rule out the vegans?

WTF are these? This isn't what is on the bag. These look like dirty flesh marbles. (Well, they do!) This is not good business. You make me think clean, light, and healthy chickpeas and what you actually give me to put in my mouth are dirty flesh marbles. Shame on you.

S-Ugh. This has a really BAD texture. Nope. I don't like it. This isn't even close to the picture. This isn't the same product. 0-out of 5.

d-Oh no. The texture makes me think it is old. This is so unpleasantly gritty. It is even shelf stable until July. I can't imagine eating more of this now much less sitting around until July. I don't even get any exotic pepper or coarse salt.


Could I DIY? Yes. I have. It was a thousand times better. It was crunchy and not clay like at all. You can find easy recipes online and at like 80 cents a can you could make a lot more than this bag. Hell, you can get the dried ones at an even cheaper cost but then maybe that is what this is from. I give this a 0-Electrical. Dudes. Hey, put the wires down. Quit impersonating Tim Allen. That was a long time ago. Let it die. He had to. You don't understand electrical currents. Let a professional do it. Don't get all butt-hurt cause you can't use all your tools. Just buck up little cowboy. Tomorrow is another dance at the cow corral.(Is that how men talk?)-out of 5.

Lastly we have Tom Yum Flavored peanuts. Yep. So now you can get a peanut flavored like your favorite Thai soup. Now I hope that this doesn't sound racist but is that supposed to be a peanut with David Lee Roth's hair wearing those x-ray specs that you could order from the back of a comic book in an effort to see people's undergarments? Cuz if so, that is a weird choice for a mascot.

 

Ah, so we can see here that this is Thailand's #1 peanut snack. Well it must be great then. Although I would like to mention that it is odd to eat nuts from a tennis ball can. Is the hairy peanut man also into tennis? My brain may be reading to much into his hairy peanut activities. Are his tennis whites under the robe? You know what. Not important. Lets move on.

Ok. So once I popped the can open we can see a coated peanut snack. This is very similar in its approach to Cracker Nuts another Asian snack. So what you have is a peanut in a crunchy flavored shell.

S-It is just a dry crunchy peanut. I like the flavor. The texture is a little weird. I taste some of the coconut and a little seaweed or fish sauce but it isn't gross. I even get a little lime leaf in there. It is pretty good. 4-out of 5. Although, minus one style point for the dumb cartoon. Cartoons are for babies and tom yum is not for babies.

d- The aroma is of peanuts. Whoa these are super crunchy. It is slightly sweet at first. These nuts have a weird tang but I like the heat at the end. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Could I DIY? No. I am sure there is some kind of slightly dubious process at work. I give this a 4-Look. Nobody needs your half baked childish ideas about food or snacks. Leave it to the stuffy entitled people to judge other peoples hard work and dreams. The idea that you sit and write for 2 hours and don't edit isn't even interesting or cool. Quit wasting your time and go outside. You look like a pale clam-faced little troll. (*OK. Stop. Now you are bring mean. It doesn't matter that you have become lost in the idea of having two separate voices. It is no reason to beat yourself up. You have made your point. You want people to go out and try these things and decide for themselves. You wanted to give them a chuckle. Hopefully you did that. Now just stop. You are bumming out this frisbee. It was loved once. A long time ago....)-out of 5.


Take care. Hope you enjoyed and are inspired to blah-blah-blah DIY.

FooRd BooRg. Snack of attraction

Oh, hello there. I like your outfit. What are those _________? (A. Crocs, B. Uggs, C. Flip flops, D. Reasonable foot attire) Is that the kind that _________? (A. Tone your butt, B. Match the drapes, C. "Donate" money to somewhere, D. Cover your sick ass man toes.) Well that is just awesome. have you lost weight? I mean I am sure you are hearing that from everyone. You look more slender __________.

(A. In areas of your face, B. around your tree trunk of a neck, C. On your eyebrow....as in one., D. pretty much all over. E. Have you lost scabs?)

See what I did there? I started todays post off with a little compliment. Hopefully now we are both on the same page (both literally and figuratively) and ready to get on down to brass tacks. (Don't tell anyone but I have no idea what that expression means. Is it a tax on brass? I mean brass is so tacky and ugly. They should tax the crap out of anyone buying brass. What? Do you want a brass bed? Then you should be taxed. I remember seeing a daybed at a girl's house, as a child, and I thought "Thar be sum ugly beast if evar I set an I on wun!. *Side note: I was a little pirate-y as a child and still didn't want brass for my booty. *Double side note: Not feeling that last sentence.)

Today we are looking at three crunchy snacks as well as talking about compliments. Sure they are weird and often hard to take. I hate them. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than trying to decide the appropriate response to a compliment. Here is hypothetical you: "Hey dirk, you said something funny once about dog tattoos at an improv show. That was funny." And here is non-hypothetical me: "Ah.......................(puts one hand on hip while curling lip and slowly bending knees) ..thank you." And I should add that the thank you is wheezed out of my lungs on an exhale. Then as you walk away I think "I probably did that ok. I think that went well." Only to have my wife say "What the hell was that? That was really-really-weird." Trust me. You get to peruse my life from a far but I have to live as this mess 24-7.

Ok lets belly up to the table and snack.

Isn't that cute? (That is a rhetorical question. You needn't answer it. They are tiny burgers. Of course they are cute. No not sliders. Sliders are bull sh!t. Hey buddy, how about you put down the tiny 4 sandwiches and you commit to a natural sized sandwich. Is that really so crazy? Well, lets go further down the sandwich rabbit hole and acknowledge that you are eating a sandwich sitting down. Yeah. The sandwich was invented for workers to eat on the go. That is the only purpose of stupid bread. What is stupid bread? It is every bread. You don't need to eat so much bread. You don't. How about this: cut two slices of cake and put sandwich fixings between them and eat it while looking at yourself in the mirror. Yeah, I don't even have a point. But if you did that please take a picture. That is one picture of someone in a bathroom mirror that I would care to see. Side note: Anytime I see a picture of someone, that they themselves took, in a bathroom mirror I only think about how sad and lonely they must be to make this visual cry for attention and put it on the internet. At least if you were eating a cake sandwich we could laugh together.)

Yes, those are cute burgers. This first snack was a gift from our friend Mel who saw this at a store and thought that I should have it. I know. She is awesome. Evan, her son is a fan of the blog. (Well, he will be. Right now he is busy with teething and limited arm and leg movements but if I know anything about child development it is that reading is just around the corner.) Anytime a friend gives me a snack for this creative outlet it is the biggest compliment. It is like saying "Here- I welcome your weekly distraction and would like for you to make fun of this." I will oblige to the best of my ability every time.

(A non-weird as possible Thank You. To each and every one of you. *Wife included. Hi wife!)

So here we see on the back . . . I have no idea what is happening here. On the right I am pretty sure that is a breakdown of what this snack is. The top sentence says "On top there is a bun." and the bottom sentence reads "We really like how that looked so we followed suit with a bun also down here. You know, balance and feng shui and what not.?." (I really like how casual they are being about the art  form that is feng shui. "You know, this and that, feng shui and stuff..whateves.)

Now what the Every Burger is saying on the right is a total mystery to me. "As the spokes burger for Every Burger I would like to call attention to our cause EAT THE RICH!!!!" Ok, That might not be what it says but the burger has a point. I mean rich people eat foie gras because it is the liver of a duck or goose that has been specially fattened. Seems to me those specially fattened rich people would be pretty tasty. I like what this burger is saying or not saying at all. Lets see if there are clues inside.

WTF? Is that a hotdog? No I think it is a regular sized burger providing tutelage for the diminutive Every Burger. Something like "It isn't the size of the dog in the fight! It is the fear of the brutal owner who trains his dog through horrid tests of both mind and strength which in turn create the perfect canine killing machine just like in that Jet Li movie where Bob Hoskins trains him to fight and Jet Li has to wear a dog collar and what?? Oh yes, it was called "Unleashed. Thanks Henry-the burger not seen in the picture because he was taking the picture. " That movie sucked."

Or it is just a cartoon diagram of what this product is which is two sweetened wheat crackers with a patty of fudge in the middle. See! (Wait. What is that orange stuff? I know it is supposed to look like cheese. I am guessing that it is frosting.)

Come on. They even have tiny little sesame seeds on the buns. Adorable. How does it taste?

Just like a tiny, slightly fluffier Chips Ahoy cookie. You know. That sweet and cheap store bought cookie? That flavor that most store bought cookies have. Like that. Maybe a bit closer to a less crunchy Pocky but you get the idea. Do I wish that it was supposed to taste like a cheese burger? Yes. The silver lining on the situation is that I didn't have to vomit after trying it. So far this post is vomit free.
Nice.

I give this snack a 3.5-I like the way your beard frames your face. Not a lot of grandmas are willing to rock that look-out of 5.

Alright, next we have a four cheese chip made by Frito Lay in Japan. I ordered this snack from Tokyo because I thought the name was cute and because I didn't think there were 4 cheeses in Japan.

Oh, Cheese Snack For Cheese Lover.  How silly your name sounds. I guess if Americans are going to make sushi that is total crap than they should get a crack at cheese flavored snacks. (I am not sure if America invented cheese snacks. I am pretty confident that we didn't but we would probably win a war against whomever did. A cheese war. Lets start making fondue guns and cheddar tanks and do this! With how liberal "war" is being attached to tv shows i.e. Storage Wars, Parking Wars, Cupcake Wars. I am surprised that stores haven't changed coupons to strategies for war on cheese and other sandwich conspirators. 2 for 1 Fruity Pebbles-Declaration of execution! All Hillshire Farm meats dated 5-19-2012 must be eradicated.)

So here we can see the breakdown of the four cheeses. First we have Parmesan. Ok that seems logical. That would add some salt and nutty-ness to the equation. Second down the line we have Mozzarella which sounds like it would be Morrissey's favorite cheese. (See what I did there? His nick name is Mozz. Or is it Motts. Like the apple sauce...I think the first one.) So that would add some creamy kinda thing to the jamboree. Third we have cream cheese. Wait. What? Seriously? Cream cheese? OH good. I can't be the only person that thinks cream cheese shouldn't even count as cheese. Oh you disagree? Ok then remind me of the last time you ordered a cheese plate and the best thing on there was the cream cheese. You can't because the only time that would happen is if McDonalds started serving cheese plates. It would have american cheese, cream cheese, and Doritos. Cream cheese is a joke that people use to make a bagel not be the driest 5 servings of bread you ever ate. BREAD AGAIN!
Lastly we have Mascarpone cheese. It seems to me that they are trying to class it up at the end there after whoring around with cream cheese. I am not impressed. You had your chance cheese snack for cheese lover. You blew it.

Wait again. What is she doing here? Is that a personal ad? Is she the illusive cheese lover? Did she win a cheese contest and her reward was Frito Lay bestowed upon her a specially designed cheese snack? I don't know but I hope so. If you look at the bottom of her box....(BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry.) She runs some kind of blog. I went to it. Couldn't read it but she posts under cuty-bunny. Yeah. She is a grown up woman. Cuty-bunny? Get over yourself.

http://cheese.exblog.jp/

It looks like your average cheese chip right? Well it smells weird. Have you ever noticed that a cats feet smell like tortilla chips? No? Well they do. Fact checked. Seriously go check. Go pick up your cat and smell its feet. Well, one foot is probably enough. Don't have a cat? Try out the neighbors! They won't mind. Chances are they have wanted to talk to you about that for years and didn't know how to bring it up.

Where was I? Oh yes, these chips smell like cat feet. If the cat feet had stepped in sweet cheese dust or had a terrible infection of some sort. (Whoa, almost made myself sick there. Foot infections will do that.) Did you know that Jared Leto got gout in his foot from gaining all those pounds for that movie Chapter 27 that nobody saw? He was good in it. My point is that these chips smell like Jared Leto's foot did then. Not My So Called Life Jared Leto. Those feet smelled of angel whispers and unicorn winks.  Jared Leto's gout foot. Lets move on to taste right?

Ugh. Oh NO. Ack. It tastes sweet at first. Like sweet corn. Then the crappy cheese powder melts on your tongue and all hell breaks loose in your mouth. It is like I am having a party in my mouth but I only invited regret and remorse, both of which have food poisoning and the toilet is broken. Whew. This cheese lover must be the target of a ruse. This is bad.

The flavor is just too sweet and the aroma is a mix of human decomp and more human decomp. Overall this is the most off putting chip that I have tried ever. Maybe ever. I can honestly say that they missed the mark here unless that is what they were going for in which case I am guessing they also keep their dead mother in their basement and parade around in their victim's skins.

I give this snack a 0-I like your haircut. I think it is nice that people with special needs are given work.-out of 5.

Lastly we have Long Potato Chips. These are long potato chips. Look at that dude eating a chip at arms length away. (The picture is a lie. The only person who could do that is Cee lo.) See they could have tried to come up with a catchy name "SKIS- The only chip big enough to ski on." "Average penis length chip." (That is a good one.) (Except how horrible would it be to find out that you are under average by putting your penis on a chip. That is a poor use for a penis and a waste of a chip.) "Subway sandwich size chip." (That one needs some work but also it is true.) Alas they decide to go with the direct approach.

Long Potato chips.

So I found these at our local russian meat smoking place. Overseas Taste. I had seen them and couldn't get them out of my mind so Sarah and I went back and I bought them. Weird fact: The plain kind of the same product which came in a plain brown wrapper was 79 cents. This one with the illustration was a dollar 99. I had to get the one with the funny picture but at what price? Oh I told you that already. That price and also the price of flavor. These are bacon and onion.  Oh man. After that last chip I would much rather have another Every Burger. I knew I should have saved Every Burger for last. Oh well. Here we go.

It smells of old cardboard. Most likely because that is what it is packaged in. It feels kind of like an even more processed Pringles. (If that is a reality.) Now for the taste test.

AH! Ugh. Orp. Urf. No!


To be honest, I have just brushed my teeth. Here is the moment by moment breakdown. I lifted the waving chip up to my mouth. My brain said "Smells like cardboard. We are eating cardboard now? Why didn't I get that memo? Nobody CCs me on anything. Does stomach know?" I bit into the chip and my mouth replied "Hand? Why are you inserting cardboard into the mouth loading zone. There is no scheduled cardboard delivery into this orifice." To which my hand replied "I am out of here!" and retreated. Leaving a chunk of the long chip in my mouth. My mouth then said "Sh!t. What am I supposed to do with this? Hey eyes, are we near a hole or a body of water so I can eject this piece of debris? Hand is acting like a total ass right now." Eyes shouted back " Nope. We are in our home. In the kitchen. I don't want to tell you how to do your job but there is a sink nearby." Mouth responded "I appreciate your level of professionalism eyes. On second thought, there isn't much in here so teeth and i are going to try and break it down and let throat do its thang." "I mean thing." "Sorry thang."  Then a voice distant from mouth called out "The names Wang not thang."

At that moment my teeth attempted to bite into the thin chip. I thought it would be easy but the chip fought back, lodging itself into my teeth. The flavor was of dust and despair. Cardboard, dust, dead moths, skull nostrils. Yeah, this chip tasted like if you licked the wall of those bone catacombs. It was horrible. I can't even tell you accurately how awful it was. My taste buds said "F-this! Eject!!!! Eject!!!" and throat said "I always side with taste buds. It shall not pass!!!!" So I had one choice and that was spit  it out into the sink. The thing was that the chip had glued itself to my teeth and the chemical bacon and onion flavor was seeping out. I washed and rinsed with water but it was no use. Whatever this chip is made of it is pure evil. So I had no choice. I brushed. I usually advise people to try the things I review on here. Not this time. This "chip" gets a 0-You wear that print well. You know on some people it would highlight their imperfections but not on you. It compliments them-out of 5.

.FooRd BlooRg. Swimsuit Season Approaches! (new choice)

 Well summer is only a few months away which makes this the popular time when people start making the choice to exercise and/or make changes to what they are eating. Often people will make substitutions to meals. "Yeah, I will get the double bacon triple cheese deep fried burger but instead of fries I will have the tots." (They can't all be 100%) Some people make better choices than others.

Now I am not saying that you should eat healthy if you aren't or even that it is important to be able to wear a swimsuit. Heck, people see my flesh so rarely that it is often is a topic of conversation. "Have you seen dirk's feet? "No." "Me either. He DOES have feet right? I am suddenly worried. You know what? They are probably hooves." (First of all, those last two guys were total d!cks. I do have feet and they are normal webbed toed feet like everyone else. Secondly, not everyone needs to walk about in flip flops exposing their walnut-knuckled hairy toes. Dudes-that goes for you too.) Don't get me started on being shirtless. Ain't going to happen. (No tourists allowed.)

However, every time I hear about substitutions or choices it reminds me of one of my favorite improv games. (Those of you who know me, know that I have been in a few improv groups over the years. Those of you who really know me, know that I couldn't leave that on the stage and really have never stopped playing in my everyday life.) That game is New Choice. How it works is that someone says "I have lost my cat." Then another person says "new choice." The first person then has to change what they said to something like "I ate my cat.....and I miss him." The other person, if they like that direction then allows the scene to move forward until they feel the need to "new choice" again. You can also say "new choice on how you are standing" or whatever motion wise as well.

How great would it be if that was used in everyone's everyday life? Answer: SUPER GREAT! (new choice) Not all that keen. (new choice) What if vegans get to heaven and all the angel gowns are made of bacon and nobody can be nude. And then god is like "hey, get in on these sweet ass bacon gowns." And the vegans are like but this isn't our scene and god is like "What did you just say to me? Don't sass me!" And then the vegans are cursed to a century of doing the funky chicken because god doesn't judge but he probably has a sweet ass sense of humor.

Here is a helpful scenario: you enter a room and stub your pinkie toe on a table leg. (A terrible pain. An infuriating situation.) Normally this could be quite maddening and you'd swear. Who knows, it might even be enough to derail your day. So here is how you "new choice" it. Right after you stub your toe, when you'd normally swear, you exclaim "NEW CHOICE!" and then hobble out of the room. Then you re-enter the room. Perhaps this time you are swinging  your arms like a monkey and you then squat on that table and eat a banana. First things first: That is a rad way to enter a room. Second things second: it is pretty to be hard mad when pretending to eat a banana plus that table just got owned. Your day is safe to progress. Nice work.

Now if it was to work in society people would have to be on the honor system. So if say, you were about to cross the street, it is cold and raining and a lady in a minivan does the whole I don't see you waiting (Which I have to say, moms in mini vans are some of the most self absorbed and rude people on the planet. Here is an idea: How about all people should be treated like they matter not just your hell spawn. Nobody owes you anything. You can wait in line like everyone else. Too busy? Well quit creating little, loud, smelly, jobs for yourself.) thing. Now instead of flipping her off (which probably doesn't happen enough) you yell "new choice on how you make me wait in the rain!" This forces her, by law, to circle around the block and pass you again. This time however she is blind folded or ghost riding her whip or surfing on top like Teen Wolf. I would feel better. I bet you would too and she'd have to deal with the fact that she doesn't care about others which will hopefully make her less of a beast. (If that is possible. That very situation has happened to me more times than there are mustaches at a Le Tigre concert.)

Wow. What an intro. Well, if you boil all that down, you get that today's post is about making a choice to eat something healthier. Huh. Should have just said that. (I should really get an editor. These things would be like ten sentences.) Todays 1 to 5 scale will be brought to you by my own new choice confessions.

So first up today we have this "fruit leather" which Sarah and I found at whole foods. You remember fruit leather right? It was in a bright colored package and it looked reddish or purple. It smelled of crushed fruit and possibly a cup of sugar. It was nothing short of a delight. Now look at that picture above. If this product was said on NPR this is exactly what I would picture. I can hear that bored voice saying it as I read it. This product had better be for adults because if you, as a parent, put this in your kid's lunch rest assured that you are a jerk through and through. (I mean what do you feed your kids for breakfast other than excuses to complain about later in life?)

We can also see that this "fruit leather" is gluten-free and raw. So we certainly know we are in boringsville where they serve only one dish: buyers remorse. Lets look at the back.

I don't really have anything to add to that. Sounds like a solid plan except the no fun part. Now I get choosing a soy latte over a fat one.(?) Because in that situation you want your caffeine. Who is jonesing so hard for a fruit roll up but wants it to be super healthy? Why wouldn't you just eat fruit? Like real normal state fruit? Yeah I said super healthy. The ingriedients are orange, banana, and kale. Yes. Kale. Oh my, well who needs sugar with those three sweet things? I mean, who designed this? A professor who is an ACTUAL salad? "Goodness, I really must invent something delicious to eat!" said Professor Salad Head. "I simply can't "leaf" this inventing thing to laymen whom possibly like fun." (Coming to NBC next fall.)

Ok look at that thing. It felt as dry as it looked and it smelled like if you borrowed a prune's old leather jacket. I asked Sarah to join me on todays post. Her response will proceed an S.

S-No. It tastes like soap.

d-Ugh. It is easy to tell at first that this isn't good. The feel is dry and perfumey. Then the ground ginger in it comes on like the smell of 1000 grannies in your mouth. (Oh sweety, you should brush more. When are you gunna get married. Those space babies aren't gunna birth themselves!-That last one is Gertrude. She ain't been right in the head since she heard Rock Hudson was gay.)  It really tastes like soap. Really bad but healthy for you soap. I got no lime and no positive experience  from this at all. Plus it was like a buck fifty or so for this disappointment. I give this a 0-If you are ever thinking that having an ex-girlfriend pierce your ears in a mall is a good idea. New choice yourself. They are going to be crooked and both will scar you for life.-out of 5.

This snack comes from Japan! Just look at all those symbols telling people something that I don't understand. That is ok. I don't feel left out. Simply because all I need is that onion with the head band. Check that onion man out! (You know, every time I ride the bus I am pretty sure there is at least one onion man or woman on it.) He looks pretty cool! (I wonder if he knows Prof. Salad head? He probably doesn't. He most likely has a pretty dour existence. Onions are pretty goth. Think about it, every time he cuts himself EVERYONE cries.) This guy though seems pretty nifty.

Well clearly the nutrition facts are in order. Obviously I ordered this as a substitution for a potato chip. I imagine it is healthier and less starchy. I didn't go to food college though. An interesting fact is that this bag is really light. Like really light. The contents weigh a whopping total 17 grams. That is less than an ounce like a 1/2 ounce. The price tag was 2.50 and we won't discuss the shipping.

What you see is actual slices of onion that has been treated in some way. It feels like a cross between styrofoam and a piece of dried apple. It smells like onion. There is something new but also comforting about this one.

S-It is like those crispy onions that people put on caseroles. It is good. Tastes a lot like astronaut ice cream.

d- Yeah. You are totally right. This is onion astronaut ice cream.

These really were pretty great. Quite expensive for what you get but at least good tasting. If they were sold in the states I would buy them again. I give this snack a 4.5- if you are a bird legged small kid when a fashion craze like spandex comes around just "new choice" yourself on the morning when you wake up and decide 6th grade is a good time to wear those spandex with big pink stripes up the sides to school. Take a long look in the mirror. See how they are hanging baggily around your tiny famine thighs. New choice those shorts buddy. Otherwise you are in for a real long day of being quite self conscious and will have to later blog about it in a blog dedicated to snacks.-out of 5.

Ok, I will first address the giant animal free elephant in the room. "Jerquee" is really close to being the worst word ever. One letter off actually. (I did a google search to see if anyone of any nationality was named Jerqueepha or Jerqueest Love. I didn't find anything.)

Also I would like to add that using the word beef in quotes makes it super creepy. Try it. Say the word beef to someone and do the air quotes with your fingers. Watch as their face slowly changes expressions as their brain goes "Wha? Is it not beef? Was it at one time beef? Is the beef in question in fact chicken?"

Sorry this photo is so blurry but the best part is that it states "...the worlds best-tasting "vegetarian jerky." That is a relief. So we have the real...I mean "real deal" here. (Did I do that right?) It also says to micro wave it for 10 seconds for a hot sizzlin' snack. No thanks. It seems weird to microwave such a healthy "food."

Wow. Still pretty fattening and 165 calories. Do you know what has less than that? Real jerky. Yeah. Protein. Meat walking around with a face that you stab off and eat it. (Too much?) Sorry I am just so "jazzed" about this "vegetarian jerky." The hard part about pretending to eat meat is that you also have to pretend that it is good, fun, and that you like it. If you do like it than rest assured in the fact that you like weird soy protein not meat. That is clear.

Upon opening the bag I encountered a smell. The smell was clearly of a pet store. You know the smell of the dog food aisle? Yup. These people have it in the bag. Literally. Until I let it out. Like a cat....(what?)

S-It just tastes like dog food. Gross.

d-It tastes like dog food. It smells like dog food. Does this company make dog food as well? I think I bought dog food. However I would feel bad giving this to a dog.

The texture is spongey and it reeks of dog. Do you think dogs are ever vegan by choice? Or are they all freegan because they eat cat poop because it is free and the cat pooped it willingly.?.

I give this snack a 0-if you are in middle school "new choice" your cool drawing that you are going to have the barbur shave into the sides of your head. Not because that isn't cool but because your drawing of a hollow arrow with a line thru the middle on each side that then drops down to meet in the back  is about to make it look like you have a cock and balls shaved into the side of your head. And it is middle school. They still haven't let up on those saggy bike shorts.-out of 5. (Don't cry for me I have had more bad haircuts than you'd have seen at a Bikini Kill concert. Actually I have just had most of those haircuts.)


*Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoy a long future of new choices. Till next time.











P.S.

You may notice that this post has two Kathleen Hanna references. I would recommend young women check out her and other feminist musicians and spend less time wanting to be famous for being pregnant at 16. Maybe someday women will be shown in media as powerful intellectuals instead of "crazy, slutty, wild girls!!" That would be a new choice.




(Too heavy of a final statement? Well, you simply can't new choice the truth.)

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Chorp Chompin' Chipies 2: Snackageddon

Gr-eatings...(See what I did there?) for this installment of IN THE MOUTH OF SNACKNESS I am going to keep it short up top. It seems the intros have been getting a tad too soap boxy feeling for my own liking so I am going to try and keep it thin. In doing so I have also introduced todays theme: Swimsuit Season. Yes, that is correct. Despite the fact that there was snow this morning we are in spring. 

Spring is a great time (for those who care) to begin thinking about how far you have let yourself go though winter and the holiday season. I mean, once the sun comes out you will look like an intravenous meth addict if you are all bundled up with long sleeves on in 100 degree weather. (Albeit a portly meth addict but those have to exist too right?) What I am slowly rambling about is healthier snacks. Most people try diet changes before exercise when attempting to lose weight. Also those same people don't quit cheese. They quit full fat cheese but they get a less fat cheese. The same goes for chips. 

So today we have three different types of chips. Our rating scale includes some personal health tips.

Okay first things first, I think the packaging is hideous. I mean come on. Who ever has heard of a rice chip cowboy? That guy would be the first cowboy shot in any hostile western disagreement. He is certainly not a curly wolf! (Tough guy) Somebody would for sure clean his plow. (Beat him up) Guess what wasn't served in saloons? If you guessed rice chips than you ain't no coffee boiler! (lazy person)
That being said, maybe I am getting to knocked into a cocked hat (fouled up) on the packaging. I am sure if we open the bag we will find that these chips are as fine as cream gravy. (Top notch) Before we do that though lets take a look at the back.

Ok. What kind of flannel mouth (fancy talker, politician) puts that much reading on a bag of chips. WHAT IS THAT THEIR MISSION STATEMENT? Oh, it is. Well they need to hobble their lip. (Shut up) Also look at the bottom line. What? When just enough was more than plenty? Do these people even know what happened in the west? Did they not play the Oregon Trail Game? Are they saying this snack is barely a snack? How many questions can I ask in a row? (The answer is 6)

I found this chip while at a typical Fred Meyer. What caught my eye was the flavor. It is unusual. I often peruse the healthy chip section since I take lunches to work and I am trying to find a balance between carrot sticks and healthier chips. (Wow, that is so interesting...)The thing is most healthier chips are only 10 calories shy of their less healthy counterparts. So they better take the rag off (be better) the whole kit and kaboodle (everything) because they are more expensive and usually you get less. I ain't no shavetail (fool). I don't believe their scuttlebutt (rumours) because all that health hype will just leave you all shindy (confused).

The bottom line, for me, is that it has to taste good. Price, look, and amount are all secondary to taste. If it isn't hot as a whore house on nickel night (damned hot) or in apple pie order (in top shape) then I don't want it and I will choose something else.

Well they look good right? Lets not put the cart before the horse (Simply poor cart placement) because when I opened the bag what hit me first was the smell. The scent took me awhile to twig (understand). It at first was leathery or oaky like a saddle or a clean barn. Then I thought of chaps and then the Village People. 5 minutes later I returned to the task at hand having thoroughly danced to Macho Man. Now I was ready for a snack. The crunch these chips offer is substantial. The chips also have a decent amount of seasoning which is a nice surprise since eating a healthy chip is about as fun as being a lunger (Person who has tuberculosis). I can't say though that I tasted any chive. The flavor was like a faint worcester waft and rice chip. It was almost slightly tangy. I guess I am saying there was a mystery afoot (There was a mystery afoot) in my mouth and that wasn't a bad thing. What they created here is something original. It wasn't gross by any means. I am guessing whomever made it is an odd stick (eccentric person) of the first water (first class). Would I buy them again? Well I ate them all.  Each chip lead to the next as I tried to nail down the flavor. So I guess this is a success. I give them a 4-Don't eat free Little Ceasers pizza just because it is free at work. Have some self respect-out of 5.

Ok. So this looks "way better". (See what I did there?) Sarah was a gem and found these for me at New Seasons. Now normally when I see a healthier chip that says it has chili I just know it is going to be boring. That is the trouble with having an incredible hot sauce master as a wife. All other "spicy" anything is dull and unrefined. (Too much?) (Too bad, get your own food blog.) I was intrigued by the "sweet chili" combined with a tortilla chip. Before we talk about wether that works or not lets examine the bag.

Alright health snack. I get it, you are healthier than a fried chip. How about you keep "germinated" off my snack sack. It creeps me out. Now I am thinking about germs and mold. Ugh. I have to go dance to Macho Man in order to get over this grossness.

Alright. The first thing you notice when you open the bag is the fragarence. A subtle bouquet of corn, chili, and some other spices. (I am not a nostrilnaut. That is my guess as to what you call people who are really good at smelling. Not gutter punks or hippies but people who use their nose to detect scents. Like Dave and Sarah are nostrilnauts.) I knew at this point in the game that this chip wasn't going to be too bad. Of course, I was right. Would I prefer a fried chip? YES. But the flavor was an intriguing melange of chili, sweetness/tartness from vinegar or something, and roasted corn. Pretty darn good too. The downside is there isn't much in the bag for the 3 dollar something price. I would prefer is there was an element of heat to it but that is what Marshall's Haute Sauce is for. Also while it is crunchy and pretty tasty it isn't that much better for you.

WHOA. I thought the last snack was a little preachy but jesus. Somebody is real full of themselves. Guess who isn't the life of any party? If you guessed anybody who poops every time they blink you are right and weird. Also I am guessing these people are not the life of the party. They probably smell like paste and earth and dress like an art teacher on a hike. That being said, I give this snack a 4-Try walking to turn the t.v. on. Or do five reps of lifting the Subway sandwich to your face before each bite-out of 5.

Oh god no. I saw this recently as I passed by a 7-11. Did you know they have televisions in 7-11s now? What kind of lengthy process would you be conducting in a convenience store that would be eased by the presence of a tv? I mean the idea of a convenience store is that it is closer to you than a super market and smaller so your lazy american legs don't have to carry you too far between the malt liquor and the Milk Duds that you need to consume at home while you watch Americas Funniest Videos.

Nobody goes to 7-11 to get updated on current events. Unless that event is the ever impending diarrhea from one of their fine products. Which brings us to this snack. This is a hot dog flavored chip. Sold at the place that sells the very hotdog it is supposed to taste like. Sold right below the actual hotdog. Sold at or around the  same price. What is this madness!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Once again when the bag was opened the oder escaped. Notice there is no flowery language here. This is serious. These friggin' chips smell like a loaded hotdog. Which made me look at the bag a second time.  I hadn't noticed that the hotdog has ketchup, mustard, and relish on it. WTF? First of all I am a yellow mustard hotdog guy. No pickles or sweet catsup for me. These additions to the already less than stellar idea of a chip tasting like a hotdog is as appealing as licking a seat on the bus at the end of the day. (Most likely similar in taste as well.)

A chip is just a chip though, right? How bad could it be? What could possibly go wrong? Has 7-11 ever sold a low quality product? Can you think of a better idea? Would you like to try this for me? (I told you 6 questions in a row.)  Ok before I try this lets look at their fine ingredients.

Wait. Does that say "May contain one or more of the following"? Is that legal? I mean they couldn't possibly be more unsure of what is in this bag. Gato is spanish for cat right? Oh man. At least it has polysorbate 80. MMMMMM. So excited for this!

Oh my good lord. First there is the crunch much like a Ruffles chip and then flavor country. Wow. This is one of the strangest things I have tried. I know that means a lot. It tastes exactly like a loaded hotdog. No sh*t. I am not lying to you. Here is the total mind f*ck though. It comes in waves. Listen to what I am telling you. That is not a misprint. This sh*t is some serious next level evil business. This might be a sign that the Mayan's were right. End of days, man. End of f*ckin' days.(For my mouth at least.)

It goes ketchup, then relish something, then questionable tubed meat, then mustard, and somewhere in there is cheap bun flavor. I wish I could better illustrate this for you. Like a flip book or powerpoint presentation. IT HAS BALANCE. This is molecular gastronomy for the trailer park. The ebbing and flow of flavors continues the whole time the chip is in your mouth. So gross. So intriguing. So not ok. I really thought I had a grasp on the world but now I seriously don't know. I am like that atheist that witnesses child birth and thinks that god has to exist or a priest that realizes the whole time he has been hearing the voice of god it was just Ashton Kutcher and he was being Punk'd. What I am telling you is that some part of me has died and these chips did that.

Are these chips grotesque? For sure. Yet they are exactly what they say. In every possible way. Think about it. You could make any sandwich taste like a loaded hotdog. Crunch them up on a casserole top and it would taste like hotdog casserole. (That very thought of made my vomit have diarrhea.) I can't fault the creators for making a monster that is exactly the monster they meant to make. I mean if frankenstein was just a great florist and didn't kill anyone than he'd be the guy to go to for flowers for a funeral. Think about it. He's been dead. He knows what corpses like. (Turns out they hate orchids so quit being a dick.)
I mean really they should rename these chips "frankenstein". (See what I did there....Frankfurter....hotdog..nevermind) I give this snack a 5-actually do stretches before you take your Caramello and stretch it out-out of 5.

Now if you don't mind I am going to sit in the corner in the dark and slowly sing the lyrics to macho man while weeping. (You self sooth your way. Keep your laws off my body.)

.FOOrD BLOrG. My Ding Dong and Cracker Nuts.

What is in a name really? If you ask me-EVERYTHING. You see, being named Dirk, many people in my life have gotten my name wrong. Sure, now there are olympic athletes and ball players named Dirk but for some reason people still get it wrong. Derrick. Yea, people are constantly thinking that I say my name is Derrick. Do me a favor and say my name and then say Derrick. Notice a difference? Yes? Me too. A big one. My name is short and one syllable. I have a one clap name. Derrick sounds like a name created by combining two names. Like naming a kid after both parents. Like Dermot and Rick named their son after themselves. I am not saying there is anything wrong at all with Derrick having two dads. I am saying his name is stupid.

The thing about naming something is you are the person in complete control. That is to say, you are responsible for how this all unfolds. Wether it is naming a kitten or a child or even your own business, there is a chance that you might not make the best decision. Maybe have a consultant or someone help you. Anywho, it is with this idea of names that we approach todays snacks. So open up, this is all true and at times a tad difficult to swallow.

(*Today's rating scale will feature names that I am glad I don't have.)

Yes. That is a sack of Ding Dongs. It is not the first snack called a ding dong but since Hostess just filed for chapter 11, it may be the last. I found this on a recent trip to an Asian grocery store. The cost was around 2 dollars. Let's just take a moment to admire the weird creepy elf that is clearly up to something questionable. He is doing that shifty sideways glance and putting a finger to his lips partly to express craftyness and also to signal that we shouldn't tell anyone about what he was about to do with that bell. I like nothing about being forced into some kind of blood oath with some kind of under dwelling being. Now look at his pinky. That isn't how I ring a bell. That IS how I drink tea but ring a bell? I think not Derrick. I think not.

Ok so we have a snack mix. Lets just look and see what is all in.....um, what the f*ck is cornick? Now I know what those other things are but cornick? Also just to be honest, look at how they put "All in one snack." after the list of things in the sack. Like it is a miracle. LOOK! BEHOLD AT THIS AMAZING FEAT! I TOOK THESE SEPARATE THINGS-PUT EM IN A BAG AND NOW THEY ARE ONE. I AM THE GOD OF DING DONG. (Please don't refer to me as that.)  Look buddy, any random crap you put in a bag is the same thing. I mean anything you eat at one point in time becomes a uniform snack. Ok, lets just move on. Lets open the bag.

Well, you may have noticed that everything in the bag is tiny. Like the size of baby teeth. Oh and curls? I think not. None of the chip curls are actually long enough to curl. There are peanuts in there. The tiniest peanuts that I have ever seen. I decided to taste all the parts individually and to be honest they all taste the same. All parts taste like corn. So despite the phenomenon of putting all these different things in a bag, it all tastes like just one thing. Yes, even the peas. I am sure kid's have been wishing for years that peas tasted like corn but I am rather disappointed. The snack isn't salty or strange in flavor it just is corn. Tiny corn snack is what they should call it. I mean I didn't eat a lot of it but I imagine somebody out there really likes Ding Dong and when their friend invites them to lunch they say "I would but I am so full of Ding Dong right now."

I give this snack a 2-Fanny Whiffers, I mean boy or girl this kid is going to get sat on. A ton.-out of 5. 

Ok, so now we have moved on to Cracker Nuts. While the name isn't quite as unfortunate as the first snack, it isn't great either. Not just because I am white either. (You racist.) I am willing to bet that this snack is 50% cracker and 50% nuts. Unlike the first snack which was (hopefully) 0% dong. (This product was procured for me by my awesome wife from Fubon.)

Yep. They are simply peanuts that have been cracker coated and seasoned. This flavor being "Hot and spicy". Once again I have been mislead by packaging for my cracker nuts were neither hot nor spicy. Flavor wise, they taste like peanuts with a stale coating. Much like if you ever got any kind of peanut snack out of a quarter vending machine. They always tasted stale. Like the bowling alley or where ever you were eating them was built around that vending machine. Like you are eating a piece of history. It isn't terrible really. You first taste the seasoning which is sodium and a pinch of pepper and maybe some cayenne. Then the cracker shell busts open and you got nuts in your mouth. The end. Not a bad snack altogether. Heck I might even try the other flavors. Well, maybe not. I still have half my cracker nuts left.


I give this snack a 3-Felanie- like melanie but with an f. And if you think she isn't going to smoke by the age of 12 and be preggers by 15, you gotta another thing coming-out of 5.

This was found in the jewish section of a regular grocery store. It is a Kosher snack. I am not Jewish so I have no idea what that means but I believe it involves a rabbi. Can we just take a second and notice what the hell is happening on the bag. I mean did the kids from Rugrats grow up and start a Kosher chip company? Chuckie has lost some weight and Tommy had to get glasses that is too bad. Looks like he never got a full head of hair either. Huh. Bummer.

Ok It also hails from Israel. Which I have been spelling "isreal" all this time. Like 'yo this place IS REAL!.' Thanks spell check.

Oh. Well that doesn't look like a cheese curl. In fact it looks healthy. Like it is made of wheat. The chips have the texture of concrete. Seriously. I think you could skin a knee on one. They don't have an overwhelming bbq flavor either. Really they have a flavor like you should feel ashamed for trying to eat chips. Like you should not only not eat chips but if you do then you should eat these so that you could wish that you weren't eating chips. If that makes sense. There was nothing sinfully delicious about this snack. Actually it mostly tasted like wheat and sadness. I think you could taste the tears from whomever tilled the wheat in the snack. Bissli- a tear in every bag.

I give this snack a 2-Ivana Mandic. Yep. That is an actual name of a girl from Yugoslavia. You can see here id online. It is a classic terrible name. How she survived high school we may never know. Or if he did-out of 5.

Thanks to my wife for support and awesomness and thank you for reading. Snack on!

Lastly here is a strange picture from the top of the bag-

You are welcome.