.FOOrD BLOrG. Second Chances Part deux.

Ok, now where were we? Oh yes. Fall and how I love it. (The season, not the action of falling. Although that can be quite hilarious on its own.) Whenever the sun retreats and the grey reigns (eh?) the sky, I scurry (love to scurry) to the closet where I open my seasonal arsenal. It is like that scene in every James Bond movie where the spy has a droor that comes out of the wall and within it is all of his secret weapons and toys. Only in my case it is fingerless gloves, scarves, umbrellas etc... The fall is a time for layers! For closed toe shoes! (YESSSSS!) For candles and fires and red wine! For Cocteau Twins, Joy Division, and This Mortal Coil! For hot coffee! (sometimes) So maybe just maybe you need to let summer go on its merry (all too merry if you ask me) way and give fall a second chance.

Speaking of the ever allusive second chance today we are finishing our chocolate second chance post. Which is great because you aren't going to believe what I have coming up next. (Or maybe you will believe it. I don't know your belief system. Please keep that to yourself. Frankly I am sorry I mentioned it.) So, yes, chocolates. (Today's grading scale will utilize other 2nd chances.)

Up first we have Gummy Choco Apple. This product was found in Fubonn on 82nd here in PDX. Now these snackies were enticing because it has gummy+thin cracker layer+chocolate= WHAT???

Look! That chicken is wearing a chocolate helmet! That is both cool and utterly disgusting! I mean all the chocolate would melt into the feathers. Then the chocolate feathers will attract ants. Oh man what a conundrum. Where did the chicken get that chocolate anyway? I mean I understand that he/she could get the milk from a cow but then to make chocolate and don't get me started on who designed the mold that is perfect for a chicken's head. Also why is that chicken so flippin' angry? Hmmm. I can't answer that but I can tell you how they taste:

Not great.

Oh, you want to know more?! It tastes like a cheap chocolate covered raisin. I couldn't tell there was a cracker layer at all. Which really is fine with me. Sarah thought it was gross and it did remind her of chocolate covered raisins which she hates for reasons that will remain not on this blog. (If you wish to know then you can ask her and she will decide if you are worthy of this knowledge.)

When you bite into it it just becomes this glob of things not working together and it doesn't taste like apple to me at all. I give this "treat" a 1-mayonnaise is still revolting-out of 5.
Yep. Drink that all in. Obviously I didn't take that picture. I let Em open this one and try it when he was over and he desimated the wrapper like he is part badger. (I imagine badgers are quite keen on chocolate.) I guess this product hails from the UK and was Nestles attempt to make a chocolate bar that is just a five piece simple chocolate bar for men. I guess men can't handle nuts in their chocolate...or other flavors. Not like ladies I guess who need tassels and lace on their chocolate...? Yeah, I can't really wrap my head around this candy. It seems sexist or at the very least simply idiotic.
(See! Look at that wrapper! He be a badger I tells ya!)

Now about the flavor... Well, I feel the same way about this chocolate bar as I do about football; not interested. (I wish I cared about football I do. I would get invites to hang with people and cheer and what...eat and stuff. But I really have no interest in it. Don't cry for me as the world needs balance and for roughly every 1500 sports fans there needs to be one pale little man drawing pictures of a banana and Eric Stoltz high fiving. This is the burden I must carry.)

It tastes like chocolate. I mean that is all that it is. Boring mediocre chocolate. There is a boat load of fat in there too! I'd say skip this thing and get a Blizzard or a hot fudge sundae. Or eat some fresh hot brownies. (now you want a brownie don't you?) I give this a 1.5-doing sit ups is still a let down-out of five.

Lastly we have Smarties. No, not the chalky awesome tiny candies from America. (That some kids crush and snort. I know, that isn't smart....when you could just buy Pixie Stix) These are organic all natural chocolate candies from the UK. (Thanks Dave!) Just take a gander at the back.
Why not just see how bright these vegetable candies are?
Hmmm. Yeah, I think these look like fake candies. This already doesn't look like 'real' candy. These things look like the candy that some a-hole adult gives a kid because they want them to have "healthy" candy. Look party poopers, it is supposed to be CANDY. Bad for you but tastes so good candy. Don't try to pretend that this is any better for anyone because while the dyes may be from vegetables, all the fat is from the freaking chocolate that you are foolishly consuming because you think this is healthier. It ain't. Those fistfulls of 'vegetables' are just going to sit at your hips like a hobo at a stoplight. They ain't moving. It is there turf now! So don't be a fool and put hobos in your mouth. Wait, I think I lost my analogy somewhere back there.

How does it taste? Bad. Like healthy chocolate bad. Like I hate your parents for making bran carrot cake with no added sugar for my birthday bad. It is not good, bad. The thing is: this isn't healthy. They made a chocolate snack that sucks for no good reason. In fact I would argue that this chocolate tastes like it came from a bulk bin at a Winco. That is right. I said it. This is worse than poor people chocolate or at the least comparable to it. Ouch. I give this snack a 1-chocolate is STILL not my thing-out of five.

So there you have it. Two posts dedicated to giving chocolate a second chance. Some products are alright and even quite enjoyable while others are like bad pranks on your tongue. Hopefully you enjoyed this to some degree. Sarah said this was her least favorite tasting yet today. The next post is going to be one of my favorites. I can't tell you what it is about but I will say this, it will be the most expensive post I will ever do.

.fOOrD BLOrG. This put the what in the why.

Sometimes an idea can be good. Sometimes an idea can be bad. Sometimes an idea can get you incarcerated. It is my earnest feeling that those responsible for this 'idea' be promptly incarcerated with all of the 'fruits' of their labor. I give you the partial review (why partial? I will get to that after the pic. geesh.) of this-So in the rare chance that you haven't heard of Durian I will break it down for you. Durian is a cranium sized fruit covered in spines that once cracked open has a fruit with the consistency of yogurt. Sound good? Well it has a scent.....and the scent has been described as quite unfavorable in everything I have read or seen on t.v. So my awesome wife and I were in Fubon on 82nd here in PDX and she found this gem. Now they sell the fruit there but for some reason we liked the weird essence idea. See, the point of this blog isn't to eat weird sh*t for the sake of eating weird sh*t. There are enough of those and t.v. shows doing the same thing. But regardless we bought this and when Dave came by we opened it. To be honest, Dave opened it and took a deep breath. Which he quickly regretted as the essence crawled up in his nose and layed stink eggs in his brain. This business is so rank that just breaking the seal released an invisible cloud of dank doom. I know what you are thinking 'cut to the chase, what does it smell like?'

Well, put on your imagination caps because here is how I would describe it. If an onion ate a rancid egg salad sandwich that in turn gave it horrible gas which it released into a gym sock freshly worn by a sweaty teenager and then someone put that sock over your head all while you are at the country fair working an armpit hair dreading booth. Yeah, it is that bad. Go ahead and reread that last sentence and then try to ask me 'why didn't you cook with it?' There is no possible way I could make my house smell like that. I doubt it would ever leave. But who doesn't want muffins that smell like the back seat of a cab after fleet week? You couldn't even cleanse the house with sage and holy water. I am telling you the devil is here in fruit form and his sur name is DURIAN. I asked Dave for a comment on the aroma but he is most likely in the theatre watching Big Mommas House 3 and has his phone off. Sarah added that it also has a burnt hair smell to it as well. So that ought to really sell it to you. mmmmmmmmm.

In closing, I still have this essence in case you'd like to try it. If you do, you have problems. Sorry to be the blog that had to break it to you. It is ...Hold on, Dave must have just got out of BMH3 (as he calls it) and he says it smelled like 'a wet dog crawled up his nose and farted until it died.) Excellent. Lastly I ask you to look at how much you are to use of this evil elixer in your food. Till next time.
Oh and screw you Thailand. I don't fart in jars and mail them to you. (yet)

.last nite inspiration.

.scanner sez BOO.

'shh' whispers the walls. Newish laptop plus new scanner/printer=.we all hope for animal color. returns to life. (this is a warning)

.long time No sea.

Said the parched british man I once saw in a pet store...he was part fishman also. I should have mentioned that....first ....anyway, it has been some time. No I have no drawings to post. Scanner is still not working...well it does work but the laptop does not. Nothing too huge to announce.....buy that is sooooo boring to say, agin and again. Yea, thats right, agin. Hey that is pretty close to 'a gin' which is half ov my favorite drink order. I love labling posts 'fall', thats a secret, tell no one. I swear new pics soon if i have to take them with a camera.

dirk

.stop when you arebeneath the ground.

Not much to speak of today, got a shot at the clinic. Love Sarah's new car. Made a bunch of cds for her new ride. I really enjoy the process of making mix cds....I enjoyed tapes more but now both are pretty obsolite. what with ipods and what not. thats all.
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(I was in the basement and near the rubbish bin i saw a small boy with an even smaller mouth and I bent over to him. He was attemting to discus palaces he'd seen to the leaky faucet. Breifly he stopped his story and tiny whispered this to me:



.if i were to crumble
my body so as to
create a crease
where I have folded too often
might there be a hole
that I might see inside


with in me
I might spy my
precious paper horse
and we might ride
through fields of
questionable discourse
sprinting-splitting winds
like hairs and our
errors unannounced
all shackles unadressed
me and my precious
paper
horse.

.nineteen days late.

So, we are have been back since the 14th yes....I have been busy returning to work and relaxing from such a long vakay. My favorite thing about the trip? Seeing so many friends who were stoked (really, I just said stoked?) to hang out. Much respect east coast peeps!!! The image today is a scan of a journal entry from NY. I bought a book there that was half lined and half not lined...and i just realized that fact is pointless to tell you...anyway. I scanned a bunch of stuff today so expect new images here and photos on the ole myspacecrap.-------------------------------
Today is GABBER TUESDAY!!!! Which means I only listen to GABBER (hardcore techno) and draw. With the exception of a break to play 'Dead Space' which is friggin' awesome in its creepiness and goretastic fun!!! The gabber thing came about because dave was playing a terrible game called 'In the pit' and everytime he said it, it would trigger a song in my head from a compilation 'industrial strenghth 2'. So i went looking for it and discovered I have an intense amount of gabber cds......And three hours into it today 'wooo hooo!!! I feel that the amount of coffee i am ingesting and the bombastic high paced electronic assault may be leading me into a murderous convulsion but thats ok right?----------------------------------------------------
Lastly I am thinking of getting some dj mixers thingies and djing in my living room ala early nineties style........screw the club scene lets bring it home.

.zombie cats with a love for fine dining.

Sometimes the mind can choose something to reflect on that... well, maybe isn't the most important. For instance, say I...er...you lets say you are at a meeting and then you zone out for a second and remember a song that was sung at your elementary school. Quite popular, if you remember correctly and it goes as so 'whistle while you work, Betsy is a jerk. Shane Mctheeny broke his weenie, now it doesn't work'. Ok fine, it was my elementary school and I should add that Shane seemed quite mature for fifth grade, their relationship was common knowledge, and Shane was the first person I knew that owned a Guns 'n' Roses cassette. Those were the days... On a non-similar note I'd just like to say that Mtv and Vh1 always seemed to be different in their broadcasting but as of late I have noticed that they both suck the same and show the same pointless crizap! I know that is hardly news but I just attempted to find anything worth watching and flipping through that deadzone was painfull and stupid level increasing. SEE!!!

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

.a new coat is what we grow when alone.

This is the original sketch that became a collaboration piece that we entered into this hippie gallery group show. It was made not for that show though, I had just been thinking about bearies or bairys...or...however you spell it. Anyway, if you don't get it, get your head checked.
So it is saturday, which means 'cocktails'!! Ok, it doesn't really but I think it should. I am pretty sure that the (awful) Sci-fi channel is playing every aweful original film they have ever made. Its like the worst weekend in thee history of programming....ugh. That being said I have seen atleast some of each terrible one. What can I say, I love when things eat people. Its my thing. I think we are a bit uppity about our place in the food chain and I like to see us get taken down a peg or two. I don't just mean in a 'JAWS' sense either cuz if you are in the ocean and a shark eats you thats just common sense. You were in its house, you deserve what you get. Same thing with the sasquash...what do you mean it is sasquatch? I am refering to the large member of the gourd family that preys upon organic farmers...What do you mean you haven't heard of that??
Well are you a gardener? Composting doesn't count, lots of people do that. That is what I thought, anyway I am going to go now. I have some serious loin stretches to engage in before next swim suit season. Oh wait, not loin I meant leg. L8tr. Whoooooo!!!!!!!!!

.eggshells aren't for dancing.

Yea, that is a drawing of my Genesis cover band. Anywho, I am soo sick and effing tired of people talking pol___t_cs!!! I don't even want to type the word. I mean there are so many other things that are out of their control that they could have an opinion on. Like friggin' leprechauns!! Or dream cows, whose milk keeps the moon white or pony dust which is their magic dander that keeps jockeys so very dainty. I mean the list goes on, instead its like 'blah blah misinformed opinion and another opinionated heard somewhere statement'.
B-O-R-I-N-G!!!!!!!!! The fun is still out there, trust me, it is just passed the blow hards next to their forgotton pow-pow-power wheel which is way more bad a$$ed then their hum-V or whatever they are called. See, know I just sound incoherant...and with spelling errors.

A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza.

When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter to get it.

There a clerk asks him:

"Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"

The guru replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."

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What ? too soon? Hey, I didn't make it up.

.The day we both lost our balls.

Going back to work tommorrow, the break was nice but passed quickly. Right now our home smells of pie and beef roast. Mmmmmmmmm......................This drawing is an old one but I came across some old gems in a book of mine. There you go, enjoy!

.small man operator.

Ah Tuesdays, soo very special. Or not. Woke up this morning, had some coffee, drew a little cartoon for you and have been listening to 'Printer' I can take more, which is off the Statler and Waldorf lable. A small label named after those two persnickity old men on The Muppets. When I say small I am not joking, they average a release a year. Whew. Anyway, I don't feel particularly motivated today...I have bathed though so I have that going for me.

*What would you call a rabbit that is mad at the sun?

-A hot cross bunny.

.war within the walls of one's own head.

So today began my week long break from work. Nothing to focus on for a day is a dangerous place for me. It can be, at times anyway. Like, minus structure, my mind feels it is free to not linger on anything for too long which results in...well, very little results AND alot of nonsense.
I have a staggering ability to not need coherent thought. Just sit on the floor next to an electric panda and name our favorite nonfood items, that we don't treat as so. 1.couch 2. other pandas 3. wooden trouser 4. even more pandas. and so forth, you know? No, nevermind....its too late. Passed their bedtimes anyway.
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There are two albums that I recently purchased which are becoming the soundtrack for my break. The first is off the ever so pleasent Planet mu records 'Mrs. Jynx' The standoffish cat. It hits my ears like off cuts of AFX and old school Artificial Intellegence stuff. Its comforting in its sleepy bouncyness. The second being 'ITAL TEK' Cyclical, off of Planet Mu as well but quite different from Mrs. Jynx. Ital tek is colder at times, dubby, dark even and noisy in small places, shimmering dense metalic echos bouncing off into the distance. Anyway, check them out and then amaze your friends. Like this,:yout friend says" wow, coldplay is awesome." you say : Ital tek'. then when they say what, you kick em in the shins for liking mundane lackluster crud like such. OR you could like that group too...but that just makes me sad.