FooRd BooRg. Snack of attraction

Oh, hello there. I like your outfit. What are those _________? (A. Crocs, B. Uggs, C. Flip flops, D. Reasonable foot attire) Is that the kind that _________? (A. Tone your butt, B. Match the drapes, C. "Donate" money to somewhere, D. Cover your sick ass man toes.) Well that is just awesome. have you lost weight? I mean I am sure you are hearing that from everyone. You look more slender __________.

(A. In areas of your face, B. around your tree trunk of a neck, C. On your eyebrow....as in one., D. pretty much all over. E. Have you lost scabs?)

See what I did there? I started todays post off with a little compliment. Hopefully now we are both on the same page (both literally and figuratively) and ready to get on down to brass tacks. (Don't tell anyone but I have no idea what that expression means. Is it a tax on brass? I mean brass is so tacky and ugly. They should tax the crap out of anyone buying brass. What? Do you want a brass bed? Then you should be taxed. I remember seeing a daybed at a girl's house, as a child, and I thought "Thar be sum ugly beast if evar I set an I on wun!. *Side note: I was a little pirate-y as a child and still didn't want brass for my booty. *Double side note: Not feeling that last sentence.)

Today we are looking at three crunchy snacks as well as talking about compliments. Sure they are weird and often hard to take. I hate them. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than trying to decide the appropriate response to a compliment. Here is hypothetical you: "Hey dirk, you said something funny once about dog tattoos at an improv show. That was funny." And here is non-hypothetical me: "Ah.......................(puts one hand on hip while curling lip and slowly bending knees) ..thank you." And I should add that the thank you is wheezed out of my lungs on an exhale. Then as you walk away I think "I probably did that ok. I think that went well." Only to have my wife say "What the hell was that? That was really-really-weird." Trust me. You get to peruse my life from a far but I have to live as this mess 24-7.

Ok lets belly up to the table and snack.

Isn't that cute? (That is a rhetorical question. You needn't answer it. They are tiny burgers. Of course they are cute. No not sliders. Sliders are bull sh!t. Hey buddy, how about you put down the tiny 4 sandwiches and you commit to a natural sized sandwich. Is that really so crazy? Well, lets go further down the sandwich rabbit hole and acknowledge that you are eating a sandwich sitting down. Yeah. The sandwich was invented for workers to eat on the go. That is the only purpose of stupid bread. What is stupid bread? It is every bread. You don't need to eat so much bread. You don't. How about this: cut two slices of cake and put sandwich fixings between them and eat it while looking at yourself in the mirror. Yeah, I don't even have a point. But if you did that please take a picture. That is one picture of someone in a bathroom mirror that I would care to see. Side note: Anytime I see a picture of someone, that they themselves took, in a bathroom mirror I only think about how sad and lonely they must be to make this visual cry for attention and put it on the internet. At least if you were eating a cake sandwich we could laugh together.)

Yes, those are cute burgers. This first snack was a gift from our friend Mel who saw this at a store and thought that I should have it. I know. She is awesome. Evan, her son is a fan of the blog. (Well, he will be. Right now he is busy with teething and limited arm and leg movements but if I know anything about child development it is that reading is just around the corner.) Anytime a friend gives me a snack for this creative outlet it is the biggest compliment. It is like saying "Here- I welcome your weekly distraction and would like for you to make fun of this." I will oblige to the best of my ability every time.

(A non-weird as possible Thank You. To each and every one of you. *Wife included. Hi wife!)

So here we see on the back . . . I have no idea what is happening here. On the right I am pretty sure that is a breakdown of what this snack is. The top sentence says "On top there is a bun." and the bottom sentence reads "We really like how that looked so we followed suit with a bun also down here. You know, balance and feng shui and what not.?." (I really like how casual they are being about the art  form that is feng shui. "You know, this and that, feng shui and stuff..whateves.)

Now what the Every Burger is saying on the right is a total mystery to me. "As the spokes burger for Every Burger I would like to call attention to our cause EAT THE RICH!!!!" Ok, That might not be what it says but the burger has a point. I mean rich people eat foie gras because it is the liver of a duck or goose that has been specially fattened. Seems to me those specially fattened rich people would be pretty tasty. I like what this burger is saying or not saying at all. Lets see if there are clues inside.

WTF? Is that a hotdog? No I think it is a regular sized burger providing tutelage for the diminutive Every Burger. Something like "It isn't the size of the dog in the fight! It is the fear of the brutal owner who trains his dog through horrid tests of both mind and strength which in turn create the perfect canine killing machine just like in that Jet Li movie where Bob Hoskins trains him to fight and Jet Li has to wear a dog collar and what?? Oh yes, it was called "Unleashed. Thanks Henry-the burger not seen in the picture because he was taking the picture. " That movie sucked."

Or it is just a cartoon diagram of what this product is which is two sweetened wheat crackers with a patty of fudge in the middle. See! (Wait. What is that orange stuff? I know it is supposed to look like cheese. I am guessing that it is frosting.)

Come on. They even have tiny little sesame seeds on the buns. Adorable. How does it taste?

Just like a tiny, slightly fluffier Chips Ahoy cookie. You know. That sweet and cheap store bought cookie? That flavor that most store bought cookies have. Like that. Maybe a bit closer to a less crunchy Pocky but you get the idea. Do I wish that it was supposed to taste like a cheese burger? Yes. The silver lining on the situation is that I didn't have to vomit after trying it. So far this post is vomit free.
Nice.

I give this snack a 3.5-I like the way your beard frames your face. Not a lot of grandmas are willing to rock that look-out of 5.

Alright, next we have a four cheese chip made by Frito Lay in Japan. I ordered this snack from Tokyo because I thought the name was cute and because I didn't think there were 4 cheeses in Japan.

Oh, Cheese Snack For Cheese Lover.  How silly your name sounds. I guess if Americans are going to make sushi that is total crap than they should get a crack at cheese flavored snacks. (I am not sure if America invented cheese snacks. I am pretty confident that we didn't but we would probably win a war against whomever did. A cheese war. Lets start making fondue guns and cheddar tanks and do this! With how liberal "war" is being attached to tv shows i.e. Storage Wars, Parking Wars, Cupcake Wars. I am surprised that stores haven't changed coupons to strategies for war on cheese and other sandwich conspirators. 2 for 1 Fruity Pebbles-Declaration of execution! All Hillshire Farm meats dated 5-19-2012 must be eradicated.)

So here we can see the breakdown of the four cheeses. First we have Parmesan. Ok that seems logical. That would add some salt and nutty-ness to the equation. Second down the line we have Mozzarella which sounds like it would be Morrissey's favorite cheese. (See what I did there? His nick name is Mozz. Or is it Motts. Like the apple sauce...I think the first one.) So that would add some creamy kinda thing to the jamboree. Third we have cream cheese. Wait. What? Seriously? Cream cheese? OH good. I can't be the only person that thinks cream cheese shouldn't even count as cheese. Oh you disagree? Ok then remind me of the last time you ordered a cheese plate and the best thing on there was the cream cheese. You can't because the only time that would happen is if McDonalds started serving cheese plates. It would have american cheese, cream cheese, and Doritos. Cream cheese is a joke that people use to make a bagel not be the driest 5 servings of bread you ever ate. BREAD AGAIN!
Lastly we have Mascarpone cheese. It seems to me that they are trying to class it up at the end there after whoring around with cream cheese. I am not impressed. You had your chance cheese snack for cheese lover. You blew it.

Wait again. What is she doing here? Is that a personal ad? Is she the illusive cheese lover? Did she win a cheese contest and her reward was Frito Lay bestowed upon her a specially designed cheese snack? I don't know but I hope so. If you look at the bottom of her box....(BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry.) She runs some kind of blog. I went to it. Couldn't read it but she posts under cuty-bunny. Yeah. She is a grown up woman. Cuty-bunny? Get over yourself.

http://cheese.exblog.jp/

It looks like your average cheese chip right? Well it smells weird. Have you ever noticed that a cats feet smell like tortilla chips? No? Well they do. Fact checked. Seriously go check. Go pick up your cat and smell its feet. Well, one foot is probably enough. Don't have a cat? Try out the neighbors! They won't mind. Chances are they have wanted to talk to you about that for years and didn't know how to bring it up.

Where was I? Oh yes, these chips smell like cat feet. If the cat feet had stepped in sweet cheese dust or had a terrible infection of some sort. (Whoa, almost made myself sick there. Foot infections will do that.) Did you know that Jared Leto got gout in his foot from gaining all those pounds for that movie Chapter 27 that nobody saw? He was good in it. My point is that these chips smell like Jared Leto's foot did then. Not My So Called Life Jared Leto. Those feet smelled of angel whispers and unicorn winks.  Jared Leto's gout foot. Lets move on to taste right?

Ugh. Oh NO. Ack. It tastes sweet at first. Like sweet corn. Then the crappy cheese powder melts on your tongue and all hell breaks loose in your mouth. It is like I am having a party in my mouth but I only invited regret and remorse, both of which have food poisoning and the toilet is broken. Whew. This cheese lover must be the target of a ruse. This is bad.

The flavor is just too sweet and the aroma is a mix of human decomp and more human decomp. Overall this is the most off putting chip that I have tried ever. Maybe ever. I can honestly say that they missed the mark here unless that is what they were going for in which case I am guessing they also keep their dead mother in their basement and parade around in their victim's skins.

I give this snack a 0-I like your haircut. I think it is nice that people with special needs are given work.-out of 5.

Lastly we have Long Potato Chips. These are long potato chips. Look at that dude eating a chip at arms length away. (The picture is a lie. The only person who could do that is Cee lo.) See they could have tried to come up with a catchy name "SKIS- The only chip big enough to ski on." "Average penis length chip." (That is a good one.) (Except how horrible would it be to find out that you are under average by putting your penis on a chip. That is a poor use for a penis and a waste of a chip.) "Subway sandwich size chip." (That one needs some work but also it is true.) Alas they decide to go with the direct approach.

Long Potato chips.

So I found these at our local russian meat smoking place. Overseas Taste. I had seen them and couldn't get them out of my mind so Sarah and I went back and I bought them. Weird fact: The plain kind of the same product which came in a plain brown wrapper was 79 cents. This one with the illustration was a dollar 99. I had to get the one with the funny picture but at what price? Oh I told you that already. That price and also the price of flavor. These are bacon and onion.  Oh man. After that last chip I would much rather have another Every Burger. I knew I should have saved Every Burger for last. Oh well. Here we go.

It smells of old cardboard. Most likely because that is what it is packaged in. It feels kind of like an even more processed Pringles. (If that is a reality.) Now for the taste test.

AH! Ugh. Orp. Urf. No!


To be honest, I have just brushed my teeth. Here is the moment by moment breakdown. I lifted the waving chip up to my mouth. My brain said "Smells like cardboard. We are eating cardboard now? Why didn't I get that memo? Nobody CCs me on anything. Does stomach know?" I bit into the chip and my mouth replied "Hand? Why are you inserting cardboard into the mouth loading zone. There is no scheduled cardboard delivery into this orifice." To which my hand replied "I am out of here!" and retreated. Leaving a chunk of the long chip in my mouth. My mouth then said "Sh!t. What am I supposed to do with this? Hey eyes, are we near a hole or a body of water so I can eject this piece of debris? Hand is acting like a total ass right now." Eyes shouted back " Nope. We are in our home. In the kitchen. I don't want to tell you how to do your job but there is a sink nearby." Mouth responded "I appreciate your level of professionalism eyes. On second thought, there isn't much in here so teeth and i are going to try and break it down and let throat do its thang." "I mean thing." "Sorry thang."  Then a voice distant from mouth called out "The names Wang not thang."

At that moment my teeth attempted to bite into the thin chip. I thought it would be easy but the chip fought back, lodging itself into my teeth. The flavor was of dust and despair. Cardboard, dust, dead moths, skull nostrils. Yeah, this chip tasted like if you licked the wall of those bone catacombs. It was horrible. I can't even tell you accurately how awful it was. My taste buds said "F-this! Eject!!!! Eject!!!" and throat said "I always side with taste buds. It shall not pass!!!!" So I had one choice and that was spit  it out into the sink. The thing was that the chip had glued itself to my teeth and the chemical bacon and onion flavor was seeping out. I washed and rinsed with water but it was no use. Whatever this chip is made of it is pure evil. So I had no choice. I brushed. I usually advise people to try the things I review on here. Not this time. This "chip" gets a 0-You wear that print well. You know on some people it would highlight their imperfections but not on you. It compliments them-out of 5.

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Time to take your medicine.

Well if you are human than you've probably been sick at least once this winter. This winter has been brutal with the sickness. As we all know, sometimes you can't get well without taking your medicine. Why? Simply because it makes you better. How? Simply because you have choosen to take it thus exposing your insides to the gifts of modern medicine. You choose. Go natural and possibly get pneumonia or visit the doc for meds. That is my point. Somethings help and somethings are just a smoke screen or an illusion. If you don't want to get better than don't take anything. In fact, if you don't want to know than don't go to the doctor. That is a choice. You have to go the the doctor for that information. You don't just walk up to a person on the street and say "What did you have for lunch?" and their reply is "You have pneumonia." Sure this could happen but chances are slim at best.

Why then, I ask you, when I log into Facebook is there recently nothing but the NEWS. Seriously people. You aren't impacting anything under the illusion of sharing a news site. You have made no difference. You have made no donation. You have made as little effort, that could be called effort, as possible to change or impact any outcome. All you have done is depressed me AND might I add that I did nothing to deserve this. What could I possibly have been guilty of? All I wanted to know was if you ate a sandwich. Remember when that was pretty much every post? "Making a sandwich for dinner!" Minutes later "Successful sandwich preparation. Here goes nothing." Even later posted by their significant other "My man sure can make a mean sammich!!!LOL" Do you remember those fun and innocent times? I do. Did I bitch about it then? You bet your ass I did but I didn't know what I know now. (Hind sight is cheeky that way.) Innocence IS better. That is what I want from a social network. If I wanted news than I would go look for the news. Keep your chocolate out of my peanut butter OK. (Quit thinking about Peanut butter cups and agree with me.) They should create a FB just for serious news and call it SERIOUSFACE. Everyone can go there are be grumpsters and pretend that their repost saved a starving kid while they eat expensive supposed organic food and drink an 8 dollar beer. Leave me to spend my free time calmly learning that Walt made tacos and that my mom has a new birdhouse. See how relaxing that information is? Ahhhh.

Medicine.

Yes, today all of these snacky darlings have medicinal purposes in one way or another. (Or maybe they just taste like medicine either way you get the theme.)

Up first we have this lovely snack which was procured from a local asian grocery. How can you go wrong with a green tea candy with some kind of weeping center? Many ways actually but I bought this for health reasons. (I buy any candy for its mental health aiding abilities.) Green tea supposedly helps your immune system, fights rheumatoid arthritis, lowers cholesterol levels, and does something not pro-cancer. I don't know if any of that is true. I just eat candy.

Well it sure is pretty. Um, but what is that in the center? Is that a generic tylenol? Is this green tea candy some kind of roofie? There is only one way to figure this out-down the hatch. The first sensation in the mouth is green tea. Green tea was their angle and they are crushing it in that arena. This little smooth hard candy has green tea flavor in spades. Also a fake lemon taste like in Lipton tea. You know, the kind that comes in powder form and some kids eat it. (I KNOW NOT OF THOSE KIDS.)Wow. It isn't overly sweet either which I like. That being said I am now waiting for the walls to erode (of the candy..unless this is a roofie.) so I can taste that weeping lemon pocket. (Ugh. Please don't let me ever type that combination of words again. Also please go forth and call people weeping lemon pockets. "OMG. Did you hear about Glenda? She totally did the horizontal mambo with Herald and Bueford. What A Weeping Lemon Pocket." OR "Hey Todd! Shut yer weepin' lemon pocket! You's couldn't name da capitol of Salem!) So I sat, waiting for what must have been many pieces of a minute. Lets be honest, it was a minute. Then I bit into it. Not the lemon center I expected. First of all it wasn't gooey like the cover of the bag. It wasn't powdery like I thought it might be either. It was just something strange. Kinda fizzy. I don't know what it is or why they hid it in the middle of this candy disc but it is creeping me out. Give me a weeping lemon pocket any day compared to this. While it does deliver on what it says, I ate it a good ten minutes ago and my mouth tastes like it was frequently and recently tea bagged. (With actual tea.) For that reason, I give this snack a 2.5- If you are wearing a green jacket and carrying a clip board on the street don't talk to me-out of 5.

This snack I picked up at Fubonn here in PDX and then Sarah got me box at a different market and then our good friend Nate sent me some goodies and these were among the contents! (How about that. A beautiful lady, a pale troll, and an amazingly talented photographer-all around nice guy, all buying the same snack. *I will let you figure out who is who in that scenario. Although I think my pictures rule me out of the latter choice and my man goods rule me out of the first. Bummer.)

Ginger is used to treat ovarian cancer, prevent colon cancer, migraine relief and menstrual cramp relief among many other things. Pretty much it is said to fight or aid most things. All and all ginger has a pretty positive rap. Hey, look at that exciting news bursting off the front of the packaging! FOIL WRAPPED! That is like a toy and a candy in one! In your face Transformers this is a true two in one combo! We could make a foil pile, have a foil war, pretend it is snowing sticky foil snow, or just do some old fashioned littering. (Which all of those tasks lead to anyway.) Nice! Lets check out the back.

Wait a minute. Hmmm. Really? At any time? I mean sure sometimes but "any time"? I think not. Here are some examples: "Elanor, you husband has died from a slow debilitating disease. Sure he hasn't known who you were for years and that was hard, in particularly on the nurses that he kept hitting on but now he is in a better place-our furnace. Ginger candy?" Or "Leonard, you are diabetic. Ginger candy?" Or "Little Timmy, your mother and I are separating. Ginger candy? No, we aren't separating candy. We don't love each other anymore. That is why we had you and you made it worse. How about now, ginger candy?" Sure the people in those situations are assholes but let's look at some other options. "Darling Linda, I have had strong feelings for you since I first saw you in Algebra. It has taken me a long time to save up but I am finally ready to make that long awaited commitment. If you are reading this I have committed myself into the looney bin. Please find enclosed a ginger candy." Or "Stan and Elana? Oh there you are. I am Dr. Wangelstein, oh I just noticed that you are both redheads. Well, anyway it is a boy. Ginger candy?" (Hold on, in that last scenario where the doctor speaks to the parents in the waiting room...why were both parents in the waiting room?) Lets move on.

Well, I can honestly say that I did't expect that. It looks black with weird white powder on it. Oh my, it smells like what I'd imagine a horses knee would smell like. You know?!? Lets see how it tastes. Well first things first, I expected the texture of caramel but it is way denser than that. This is a serious chew here and as it warms in your mouth it has a slight wavering sweetness and it begins adhering to your teeth as if it is fighting back. This is not my cup of ginger tea. I spit it out after a minute. In my nonprofessional opinion it just has too much honey or gelatin or horse in it. When I think ginger I think about earthy powerful ginger not viscous honey sweetness. The side of the box suggests putting three candies in a cup of hot water to make ginger tea. Yeah right. I would rather drink the hot water thus burning my taste buds and not have to deal with your horse treats. The good news if this is your thing is that the price for a box of these is 89 cents and each box houses 10-12 candies. Cheap. I mean I didn't care for the candy but I will always cherish the foil. I give this treat a 2-for every world event you repost FB tells your friends twice as many times that you are listening to Tom Petty and just listened to Dave Mathews-out of 5.

We got this at Edelweiss here in PDX. I bought it because I had no idea what it was and that usually never bodes well for my mouth and/or stomach.

So what we have here is a sugar free Eucalyptus pastille. Wow does that sound like fun or what? I imagine this is what disapointment tastes like for Norweigan children. Imagine the wide eyed hopeful child approaching their bestemamma or bestepappa (Norweigan for grandma and grandpa) as their grandparent reaches into their purse (reindeer skin most likely) and asks if they want a piece of candy? The child answers back a resounding "JA!" (Norwegan for yes) and the grandparent produces this. This sad looking confection. I mean it looks like a dirty stepped on jujube.

Eucalyptus is supposed to aid in skin irritations, respiratory infections, and ear infections. What part of that doesn't sound yummy?

Is it good? Well, it tastes like menthol and something weird. The weird part I am assuming is eucalyptus. I don't know what it normally tastes like but if this is it than no thank you. It is medicinal tasting by all measurements of the word. As if that is enough to not enjoy, the texture is that of a piece of rubber. Like you are eating Bengay covered rubber buttons. (Coincidentally Rubber Buttons was my clown name back in the circus.) Bouncy back rub salve candy is what this should be called. This must be what it is like to be a masseuse and forget that you have oils on your hands from giving a massage and you get a candy out of your purse (reindeer skin most likely) and taste it. Blech. I give this candy a 2- I don't remember what your sign you are carrying said because I couldn't get past the smell-out of 5.

Oh hell yeah! First of all, I am a big fan of gummy candies. Sure there are some truly terrible ones out there but there are some great high end gummies. Japan never ceases to amaze me with their skills in the gummy dept. I mean there are a few aspects to a gummy: mouth feel-over all texture, flavor, and level of sweetness. Stop the presses though. These aren't hailing from Japan. These expensive treats are from Bissinger's Handcrafted Chocolatier in St. Louis. I know that the front tells you that is is going to be a healthy alt. to candy which is usually a bad sign. That is like people listening to The Shins because while it is music it has no components that will invigorate or excite you like good music. Better for your heart to be bored. (My god they are boring. One time we saw them because someone gave us free tickets. Ugh. Dull. I couldn't figure out why everyone was even facing the stage. Going to a Shins show because you have free tickets is like picking up a bag of dog sh*t because you need a lunch bag. It is a bad plan and you deserve what you get I guess.)

As far as health benefits, we already covered the green tea earlier and the rest is featured below.

So here on the back you can see the health benefits or lack of evil things. Plus you can see the price. Yep. Nearly 5 dollars for 4 oz. of gummy bears. Those better be some damn fine bears.

Oh my goodness these are some damn fine bears!!! While I can't say that they rival some of the greatness of Japan, these are quite legit. The aroma is Apricot. Mega freaking Apricot! The mouth feel is pretty much as good as it gets. The gummy yields ever so slightly under the pressure of your gentle mastication. (Too much?) Well it does. The gummy is not too sweet. There really is a pleasant balance of apricot aromatics, sweetness and a light lingering green tea flavor. Way more effort is felt in this than the green tea candy earlier. See that is the difference between high end and low end candy. Sure you may pay more but due to the richness and quality you end up ingesting more. I do anyway. One of these is satiating. Where as I'd eat a whole bag of Peach O's without feeling a thing. Don't get me wrong I love Peach O's but this is something different. I give this snack a 5- The world would be a better place if people actually lead by example rather than repost an example-out of 5.

My point is wether it be false help or medical promises that there are real ways to make a difference or an impact. If you are going to put any effort out at least make sure it is worth it. Then again what do I know, I am just a guy complaining to nobody in particular while eating candy in my comfortable home.


Thanks for reading and special thanks to Nate! Thanks for sending me some blog fuel. Much appreciated! Also and always to my amazing wife. Next week is a doozy! See you then. Snack on my hungry friends!