.FOOrD BLOrG. Stick with it! (or don't... maybe stick with not sticking with it.)

I am not a big quote person. Like, I am not too into quoting other people. It just seems weird to me that people fuel their lives & ambitions with the words of others. Perhaps though, that is because I often don't quite get what the point is. For instance; "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." To me that sounds like "When things get difficult, you should leave. Look, it is either stick around and get sweaty and uncomfortable or go do something less challenging." My interpretation makes sense to me but it is hardly the point of the initial quote. 

Thanks to the Internet I have to read quotes from people all the time. Which I do not understand. Its like saying "Here is something I wish I had said." Or "I found a sentence that says something but then I thought about it and it meant something more." Either way, I don't think those people are smart for reading a sentence or short paragraph and copying it for everyone to see. Look, I am not saying people shouldn't stick up for what they believe in I just think it would mean more if you used your own words. 

I know. I know. You might be thinking "Geez who rained on your parade?" To which I will say two things: 1. Don't make slight of me owning a parade. You don't know what I aspire to. I don't say "Who rained on your Person Who Has A Hiney For A Head Convention (that you are presently king of.) Maybe I had a package of tostada shells fall on my head today. Yeah, and maybe it happened twice. Double yeah, and maybe my head broke all the shells. Yes, I am having that kind of day. However I am trying to move past it. You know "Cuz whatever doesn't kill you....should literally kill you for using this stupid expression." (That sounded right.) 

So today we are talking about sticks. Snacks on sticks. Also today we are talking about "Sticking with it." (Sigh) I don't know, lets just get to the first snack.

Well would you look at that grin! Here is a little guy that can't help but to make you smile. S got me this little treat from Fubon on 82nd here in Portland, OR. It looks like he is having a hell of a party there. Yep. Everyone seems to have shown up. There is Cup Dude, Chocolate Pie Head, Purple Alien Bee, Red Monkey Devil, Capt. Onion Noggin, and Wind Chill Faced Pete! (I don't actually know any of these characters. Prior to S giving me this I had no idea it existed. Clearly it is from something though. Maybe a TV show or a comic book. Something fun for sure.)

Uh huh. Here we can see a small boy telling secrets to severed heads. Ah to be young again. (*Side note: Is that boy nude cuz it looks like his winkie is danglin' there.)

Hot Damn! That is cute. Isn't it? Isn't that just the bees knees? (By that I of course mean, it doesn't exist. Yeah, the saying implies that it is great or ideal but in truth, bees don't have knees. The world you are living in is a lie.) This sucker though, is darling. Lets see how it tastes:

S- This tastes like Quik. Like that instant chocolate milk. Nesquik, yeah. Well, the pink part tastes like strawberry as well. It seems like a lot of money for a little amount of chocolate. I think they were really banking on the cute points here. I give it a 3 out of 5.

d- Well, I like that it is fudgy and not chalky. You are right, it does taste like Quik. 3.5- Foreign Languages. Look, I studied French for 4 years. I went to France. I spoke less than 4 words. (*I'd like to pause this post to share with you my french expertise: Je pense le thon est comme ci comme ca. = I think the tuna is neither here nor there. Je mange la saucisson. = I eat the sausage. Ou est tu biftek gar? = Where is your beef station. I am not sure if that is the proper conjugation for beef station. You learn that in the 5th year.) Seriously. You don't need it. Don't stick to learning that stuff. Learn something universally bad ass like nun chucks.-out of 5.

Alright, next we have this lollipop. This is a sriracha flavored lollipop. It was a gift from my parents. I don't know where it came from. However any simple search will result in lots of people offering this candy now. Since everything has gone sriracha. Mayo, chips, ketchup, donuts, candy,  you name it and someone is putting this sauce into it. Don't get me wrong. It is fine. (Full of weird stuff, but fine.)

S- This isn't spicy at all. It is supposed to taste like sriracha? It just tastes like dust. I do not like this. 1 out of 5.

d- Peanut? Dusty peanut. Why do I get a nut flavor? There is a touch of heat in the throat of the finish. Barely any heat. This tastes like an old candy shell that was once on a nut. This is like old plastic and dusty corn syrup. You know what? This tastes exactly like this time my father brought home a candy machine and we had it in our garage. (Yeah, mad cool dad points right there.) One side had peanut M&Ms and the other had some kind of red candy shell nut situation going on. This tastes like the cheap shell on those nuts. Clearly this was an attempt to cash in on a trend. This happens all too often. Oh a basil jalapeno lollipop? Then you get it and it barely tastes like anything. Or worse it just tastes like one thing. Then you can call it a "one trick pony." (Which I must say that whomever coined that term was really ungrateful to have a pony at all. Most people would be fine with a no trick pony. Like it just does average pony things. Let alone one that can pull a nickel out of your ear. Do you know how hard it is for a pony to get even one nickel? Plus once the pony finds these nickles where is a pony going to keep a nickle? Yeah, so don't count your blessings until they are...chickens. Which of a feather, will flock together...) Typical. I give this snack a 1-Karate! Don't stick with karate or any type of fighting. Just try to avoid every scenario where that would be needed. Ninja parties. Ninja garage sales. Ninja knitting circles. Ninja pilates. Hot Yoga for Ninjas. Any type of Ninja fight club, which can be a challenge because nobody is talking about it being a Ninja fight club. To avoid that last one just always talk about ninja fight club. If you are somewhere and people aren't into talking about ninja fight club, you are in a ninja fight club.  Pretty much steer clear of any and all ninja functions. Even with your beacoup nun chuck training it won't go the way you think. Just do some squat thrusts and meditate-out of 5.

Oh man, if there is one place that pretty much never fails to let me down in the snack dept. (esp. candy) it is Mexico. Here we have the Rockaleta. It is a sucker with not one but four layers of chili powder and four flavors before you reach the gum center. That might sound like a real deal of a treat to you. That is, if you have never eaten the atrocities that are candies from Mexico.

"A better way to rock?" I can think of a better way to rock. Actual rocks. Yes. I would rather eat an actual rock than this sucker. Look at how disturbing that sucker is. It is a hard candy with teeth. That is so very creepy. That is like a tooth with teeth in it. (Your nightmares will thank me for that.) Now about the sunglasses. WTF? If a living sucker needed any type of protective eye wear...sunglasses? How about goggles? Yeah, think about it! If a giant tongue is going to erode your face, the first thing to go will be your supple orbs of vision. (Your nightmares will thank me for that as well.)

Oh no. It looks even grosser than I thought. If you don't see the evil there it is because you can't tell or don't know that each layer of chili has salt as well. Yes. It is like someone who has never had candy designed this candy. "Hey Alonzo, do you like candy?" "Do I like what? I have literally never heard of or had whatever you are talking about. Is it like butts and trash?" "Um, close enough. You are hired to create Rockaletta!" (Pretty sure that is how it went down.)

Here is how it went down for us:

S-Ugh. It is salty!!! It is salty and leathery! (I should note that at this point she made a seriously grossed out face!) I can't eat this anymore. It is like somebody sweated on my candy. It is seriously disgusting. I don't even need to know what the other layers taste like. I give it a 0 and feel bad for the zero for being in relation to this. It is one of the worst.

d- Ok. It smells like if evil had breath. The stagnant breath of evil is probably their tag line for this. Ugh. It tastes salty. Not the kind of salt that you'd attribute to food either. This tastes "of a body." (Your nightmares are going to need to write me a Thank You card.) So far this sucker smells of leathery earth and tastes like the salt from a body. Mmmmm. At this point even being disgusted had lost all sense of fun. My eyes began to tear up a bit and not because of the chili. The chili isn't hot. I really don't know what is in here. It just tastes gritty and powdery with a hint of tang. The bad kind of tang. So I walked into the kitchen so that if I vomited I would be close to the sink or toilet and began biting at the horrid curse of a confection. Small shards of salty garbage began breaking off and sticking to my teeth. Sticking! Here I was battling it out with the Rockaleta and I was losing. My mouth started to do that salivating thing. You know the one that happens when you start really doing some serious self talk "It's OK. Keep it down. Don't think about it. Certainly don't think of the term "of a body." However I had to press onward. This was all for a very serious and well read blog after all. (Hi mom. Hello wife. They are separate people.) Then suddenly it gave way and I bit thru to the center. Did it look like the packaging? No.  Not at all. It looked like the inside of a really cheap candy. The colors were all muddled and dingy looking. It looked like it regretted looking like that almost as much as I regretted looking. You know that moment in horror films where the monster realizes it is the monster and that it is unnatural and must go? That is how the Rockaleta looked. So I threw it in the trash. Not the compost. The trash. I would have burned it if I could or shot it out into deep space like in Aliens. I don't even know if there were four different tastes of evil in this candy or just 4 different stages of regret for your tongue to wade through. I give this snack a 0- TV Series. Anytime someone says that a show isn't great but stick with it and it gets..... No. How about I just watch something interesting. You can tell me about your show but I am not going to spend hours getting to know characters and waiting for some kind of tension or messed up decision. God forbid it be set in the current times as well. I am not interested in castles, princes, maidens, townsfolk, kings etc... I doth not care!!!-out of 5.

Next we have cotton candy from a store here in N. Portland called Candy Babel. The owner makes the cotton candy (which I hear is tricky due to moisture and well  the fact that this is Oregon.) She also makes it without some kind of caking chemical that is in most cotton candy. This flavor is Black Currant.

S-I like it. The flavor is great. I don't know if I really know what black currant tastes like but this is good. The flavor is really interesting and the texture is quite cottony. I mean this is great cotton candy. 5 out of 5.

d- Wow. You said it so perfectly that I'd like to quote you. "I like it. The flavor is great. I don't know if I really know what black currant tastes like but this is good. The flavor is really interesting and the texture is quite cottony. I mean this is great cotton candy." -S

I give this snack a 5-Working Out. You really don't need to always be "taking it to the max." Sometimes just take it half ways to the max. Lets be honest, people who workout a ton also look like they stare at themselves nude a lot. (and they are into it.) I am all for taking care of yourself. Sure. Not every man needs to drink beer until he is shaped like a lumberjack Alfred Hitchcock at 30. I am just saying it is weird if the person who you are intimate with is more into their own body than yours. While we are being honest, anytime I see someone who is too fit I mentally tell them to "Eat a sandwich." It is OK. Be a person. Oh and maybe just tell your coach at the gym or whatever about how many miles you run every hour and how many squat thrusts you do in your sleep. You don't see me publicly talking about all the candy I eat.-out of 5.

Lastly today we have a real treat. One that will really blow your mind! It comes from Japan. I ordered it and I will order more. Like a box of them. I know I should leave this for the end but I can't talk about this candy without glowing.  So you can see on the front that it is 1-3 something or 13 something. There is also a cute little face! We can also see a lemon and something green. Not sure maybe a lime or apple and on the other side we see grapes. Ok. Grape flavor and Japan? You know this is going to be amazing.

Here you have your typical story. A man with a nice haircut tied a bow on a horse made of fish that he bought from a cheeky panda who was constipated. Then he blacked out until he was awoken by a dog stealing his bone. 20+ times. Pretty sure that is what it means.

Really quickly I wanted to show you the close up of this little one. What does that say? Probably "Look at how freaking adorable this is! (While I am feeling particularly bitter. What is with people who say "adoughable" for adorable? It is horrible. If somebody says that just slap them with the kitten they are looking at. Ok, I am kidding unless it is a picture of a kitten or a "Hang in there!" poster. Slap with that for days.) I mean, all of this package is giving away the secrets that lurk within but I don't know what it says so lets look closer!

Ah! It is even cuter in real life!!! Awe. It seems embarrassed. I really think it is blushing. Judging by the color of the candy I am going to guess that this is grape. Lets see the back of it.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Are you kidding me right now? This side is in LOVE! Well, so am I little sucker. Wait a minute. What do you think that is? Candy? A toy? The cutest choking hazard of all time?

WHAT!?! That is correct. This sucker has two sides. Two different flavors. Also the center is candy as well. (Spoiler alert: These flavors go together like poor hygiene and skateboarders.) Wow. It would appear that this candy was designed with every care taken into account. Well, except for the stick. Or...

THERE IS GUM HIDDEN IN THE STICK OF THE LOLLIPOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, that's it. All other lollipop companies take note. You just lost. Unless this treat tastes like Alonzo made it. Lets see:

S- Ok. One side is grape. I think the other side is apple. Both flavors are great separately but somehow they work well together too. It isn't too sweet. I don't know which I like better. Maybe the apple side since I have such a high expectation now for Japanese grape candy. This is really fun to eat. I have to give it a 5.

d- It should be no surprise that this treat gets a 6. Yeah, I know that there has never been a 6 before but they nailed every aspect of this candy! OK. Grape? Yes. It isn't syrupy. It is a classic Japanese grape candy flavor. Light and pleasant. Apple? Yes. The apple is cider like and brings some fresh tartness to the party. Fantastic separate but when enjoyed together, AWESOME. Now for the center. It is a disc of fizzy radness. Yea, so halfway into your lollipop enjoyment suddenly is goes from a juice drink lollipop to a soda pop lollipop.  The center tablet is ramune flavored. What? Yeah. Insane. Oh and the stick that is hiding the gum surprise? Cola flavored gum. I KNOW. This is like a kid designed it. Like me when I was a kid. It is all of these things and it only cost a dollar. One dollar. I ordered this from Tokyo. I feel like this candy broke all the rules and for that it gets a 6- Healthifying recipes! Not everything can be made skinny and lite. Figure out a balance people because at some point the dish isn't the same thing anymore. Quit always eating things that require you to imagine that they are something else. (Use your imagination for fun not to pretend you aren't miserable.) Cut corners somewhere else and allow yourself to enjoy a taco pizza or a Louisiana Gravy Barge (the food not the sex move.) Whatever you are into. Don't work hard all day and your reward be a version of something that isn't even remotely like your favorite spaghetti bake.  A Bulgar burger is not a burger. It's a grain wad. I am not saying don't eat healthy. I just think that while you are eating mostly healthy also remember to treat yourself. If you want pie then eat pie. Don't eat a piece of an apple and an oat while thinking "mmmm pie." That's not pie. No matter how you slice it, you are being a stupid pie.-out of 5.

Well, I feel better. How are you all? I hope you enjoyed this post and can free yourself from sticking to somethings that maybe are taking too much energy from you. Me? Oh I am definitely going to stick to not judging people and only worrying about myself. I think it is going well. Till next time,

“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” ― Abraham Lincoln.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Chews Life. Be the gummy.

So I was thinking about chewy candies and it dawned on me that "chewy" might be a better way to live than "hard." I am talking lifestyle. Candy metaphor lifestyle. Now I am not saying that one shouldn't have morals or ideals or stand for something. Sure, we should all do that. I am saying that perhaps there are ways that we all could be a tad less rigid. What I am saying is be open.

If you think about it, when you first chomp down on a gummy there is a sort of remix that happens. Your teeth might not break all the way thru and just the shape of the gummy changes a bit. Now it might even regain it's shape at that point. If this had been a hard candy it would break or splinter. You don't have to break. A bit of a stretch maybe but hear me out.

See, last year I told my wife that I was going to have a year of yes. Whenever she asked if I wanted to do something my answer would always be "yes" even if I didn't really want to go downtown or whatever it was. Why would I decide to do that? I did it because I had become perfectly happy in my home with the blinds drawn in my controlled environment. I needed to test myself. I needed to be open. So my awesome wife was the integral part of the equation because it wasn't up to me what I was going to or not experience. Well now we are coming up to the new year again and what do you think happened?

Nothing except a years worth of fun memories and experiences that I wouldn't have had otherwise with the person I care about the most. To be honest, I wish I had decided to do year of yes from day one. Every moment, no matter how small, you can spend with the person you care about and an inside joke or a moment of endearment can happen at anytime.

My point isn't in absolution it is an open evolution. I don't regret it. Not even things that I didn't maybe enjoy much but to be honest I can't name one of those but I can name several really fun memories that I might have previously missed. All I am saying and all this funny little blog is saying is "Try new things. Please be open to great and even bad experiences." That is life. You can't do the whole live and learn thing if you stick to what you already know and never leave your little box. 

Ok. I am done. Let us eat the chewy candies!

Well hey there cuteness! (Um, I was talking to the panda.) Here we have SUPPANDA!! A strange little candy hailing from Tokyo. First impressions, either this is sour or that panda's mouth is down south and what is supposed to be down there is on it's face. You get what I am saying? You know, like:
()*().  Well, that doesn't look right. Never mind lets just move on to the back.

Much better. So here we see the panda still has a b*tthole for a mouth and it's armpit is proclaiming something about a pineapple. That explains...um..a lot.

So it looks pretty sour. It smells slightly of either powder lemon and pineapple. At this point we have pineapple and Tokyo going in this snacks favor. I am pretty excited about trying it.

S- Well, the panda's mouth looks like a butth*le. So minus one style point for making me picture a panda butt. Mmm. It tastes good. Is there goo in the middle? I like it. I don't normally like the goo. I give it a 4-out of 5.

d- I like the texture. It has some resistance. Like a kinda ballsy jelly bean but not grainy. Like a high quality Spree. Is that the one? The goo is good. A little tart but not sour really. A nice pineapple flavor. I give this snack a 4-I don't like crowds but I can survive them by preparing myself before hand-out of 5.

In my humble opinion. You cannot go wrong with a cola flavored gummy from Japan. You can't. Anytime I try one I feel like a super mega winner. So here, that is exactly what we have. My mouth is watering. Obviously the front tells me nothing since I can't read Japanese. I think it says " Hey dirk! Buy these because they are soooooo delicious! Speaking of Dell. Remember that "shoulda got a dell" commercial. Whatever happened to that kid? Kids was a movie. Who wrote that one " I like to move it. Move it" song and why isn't that in commercials for U-Haul? You sure are good looking dirk. Have you been working out? Why yes, self. I have"
. . . . Wait, where were we?

Anyway, here we can see the back. Which clearly states....a lot of stuff. Pretty much all I know is that this candy is cola flavored and it has 2900 somethings worth of collagen. Is that a lot and why is it there? What is collagen?

I am not going to explain that to you. Me not got great thinking meats. So here is a link:

http://health.howstuffworks.com/skin-care/beauty/anti-aging/eating-collagen1.htm

Look at that little one. It is lightly dusted in a fine tart powder. Just opening the bag and I could smell awesome cola smell. Look, I don't drink soda. I don't drink any ever. (Unless it is for this blog.) That being said I love cola candy. I know. I don't understand it either.

S-I like it.  It has a nice texture. More body than the average gummy. Really good flavor. Minus one style point for looking like licorice. This could be like the Nicorette for soda drinkers. They could chew a piece of candy instead of drinking a gallon of soda. 5-out of 5.

d-Totally. I agree with every thing that you just (eats second piece) said. It has a nice chew and the flavor is really full but not too big. A nice tartness. If you like Haribo's sour cola bottles than this is like the high end of that. I give this snack a 5-Always look around you. There are funny little small things happening everywhere. It is amazing what the normal world finds normal.-out of 5.

Oh what? Dueling Japanese pineapple gummies? What did I win the mouth lottery? (That sounds like something one would lose in prison.) Once again I have no idea what any of that says and you know what my guesses are like. (Not entirely accurate.)

Whoa. Am I not the best photographer ever? Good lord I am terrible at taking pictures. This doesn't even show the collagen count. Yes this one features collagen as well. Mmmm. Animal proteins and stuff or things... It sure looks pretty on the packaging. Let's open it up!

Wait. What the f*ck is this? Where did the pretty shinny pineapple from the packaging go? This sure isn't it. This looks like a gummy from the dollar store. Luckily it smells of pineapple. Let's see how it tastes.

S-Uh. This tastes like canned pineapple. Why would anyone want to make a candy taste like canned pineapple. Minus one style point for looking so cloudy. The color is a real turn off. 3-outof 5.

d-It is ok but it does taste like canned pineapple. Who is the person that is like" Man, I LOVE canned pineapple. I just wish it was somehow more portable. I mean, than this can." It isn't terrible. It smells right. I give it a 3-I pretty much now know that anything "confit" is not for me but I had to try from beef cheek confit to duck confit to figure that out-of 5.

Ok so here we have a candy that is flavored......like......Um. Let's just get one thing out of the way. The thing at waist level on the melon man there.

That melon headed dude is sporting a full on erection. I believe this is a candy for kids. I mean, I have heard about being a fan of yourself but really! I mean, he is a melon man who is drinking a soda that tastes like him. And he is REALLY is into that.

Imagine tasting a soda that is flavored just like you. If you didn't almost vomit just now than you aren't applying your imagination. I mean, that isn't my thing but I have been in gas stations far from civilization where I have seen men who have wondered "Why t'aint thar human soders?" U no. Like a Marly soder, a Jethro soder, a Billy Bob soder... Taste like a juicy skin suit! Yee haw! Ma sister is ma wife." (Too much?) My point is that I am all for being open but maybe not that open.

(Why would anyone think that they should put a package on packaging for kids? right?)

Alright. So here we have a melon soda caramel. We have had a red wine caramel and a few others so lets just dive in.

S- Ugh. This tastes exactly like a banana runt. Exactly. (Spits it out.) -1 style point for the BS wax paper wrapping. 0-out of 5.

d- At first I am getting wax notes. Like a candle. Then the essence of cheap bubble gum. That is probably the soda flavor. After that follows hints of regret and banana flavor. This is gross and not at all like melon. Now I have never had melon soda but if this is what it tastes like I will pass. This snack gets a 1-The people that go to a day spa are very different than we are but in some way making them uncomfortable is even more satisfying than a seaweed massage-out of 5.

So ends another chewy episode of FOASP. Thanks for taking the time to read. Thanks to my wife for trying all of these snacks with me and for all of the year of yes experiences.

Lastly I'd like to share that a chef friend of ours started a 30 minutes for 30 days exercise challenge and we are a tad over a week in. The reason I mention this is because we are not big exercise people but here is what we have learned this far: 30 minutes is not a lot of time. It is very approachable. After 30 minutes of exercise a few days you really do feel different. It doesn't take much. In the time I would surf a few websites we have made a minute change to how we live and feel better. Also doing the exercises together is far more fun than alone. Lastly any exercise with any allusion to "buns" in the title is an exercise worth doing. Especially "Bollywood Booty 2."

Till next week. Keep your head up and out of any sodas.

.FooRd BlooRg. Joy!

Greetings! This post is going to be a joyous one. By definition joy means an emotion evoked of well being. Uh, yeah I guess. I could sum up a large chunk of my childhood joy in one word with 5 letters and two syllables. Candy. Sure there were other things. Like christmas presents or birthday presents or random presents not associated with my birth or christs. What? Kids are pretty self absorbed. (It isn't their fault but it is pretty much the truth.) Who else, while still believing in god, would be like " Yes. Merry Christmas! Happy birthday jesus! Where is my bike? What? Kevin got a bike when HE was 7! What did I get? What is this shit? A doll? Are you f*cking kidding me? Have you been to my room? It only has like a bizzangle amount of dolls! (At that age, bizzangle does sound like a mathamatical amount of dolls to have.) One more doll! Yippee. No, you know what? I have enough dolls that I could go in the backyard, next to the Chipper's house (the dog) and build my own house. Yes, a LITERAL doll house. Actually, you know what,  I can't because Kevin hasn't been picking up Chipper's poops. Yeah, that is right! Screw you Kevin! If I am getting played like this YOU ARE ALL GOING DOWN! Mom wears secret ankle socks to the grocery store and dad smells of lady lotion! Oh, I am out of order? This whole christmas is out of order. With a christmas like this I can't believe that god is real. Especially since neither Joseph or Mary are storks and THAT is my understanding of where babies come from."-Kayla age 7.

Yeah sure there were joyous times with family and friends but I don't think you really get that understanding until you are older and reflect back at how awesome those times were. I am talking about at that age and at that time. Candy is one of the major joys. Obviously with this blog a by product is a large amount of odd and sometimes inedible candy and snacks. Some of those I can take to work and people will try them and most of the time the things I have hated on the most become quite well received by others. Chili Rokkas became a fave of a coworker and I hated them. Sadly it all doesn't make it to work. Another stock pile develops at home. Recently we had some home troubles in the shape of a sink leaking and majorly f-ing up our floors. So we had a contractor come out and one time he brought his son. I have no idea how old his son was but somewhere between 8-12 I'd guess. Well the contractor left the room to get a fan and there I was with a child I didn't know. I looked over my shoulder while searching for some common denominator between this child and my thirty something self. That is when I saw it: candy. Here is the problem with that situation though. When you are a thirty something male talking to a stranger's child there is no possible way of saying "you like candy?" without being totally creeped out. In fact I think that very scenario should be used as a screening for people. 

Interviewer: Ok, so hypothetically you are in a room with a child you don't know.

Guy: How'd I get there?

Interviewer: That isn't important. On the table is a bowl of assorted candy.

Guy: Is there Nutter Butter?

Interviewer: That isn't important....Also that is a cookie. The child doesn't see the candy.

Guy: Is he blind? Is the candy blind? I mean invisible.

Interviewer: No and no. It is just in a bowl. A bowl that ...he just hasn't seen the candy. Ok? Now say the line please.

Guy: You like candy?

Interviewer: Ok. How was that for you?

Guy: Oh good.

Interviewer:Not creeped out in the slightest?

Guy: No. Does he want some candy?

Interviewer: Really ok with this situation?

Guy: Oh yeah. Can I go now? My windowless van is double parked.

Interviewer: (into watch) We are going to need to take this one down. I repeat, the muskrat is doing the watoosie.

-And Scene-

What was I talking about? Oh yes, the joy of candy. Of simpler times. In honor of that our 1-5 scale will be recalling said times of joy.

Up first we have Krachie Puchitto soft candy. This flavor is grape in case you didn't notice that the candy is shaped like grapes. Do you know who likes grapes? Bunnys. Yep but only soft grapes because a bunny's mouth is like a tiny silk purse. True. Also a bunny doesn't chew to break down food. It merely cradles it in its silken mouth until the food relaxes enough to slide down in's esophogus. Yeah. They don't eat carrots either. Too hard. That whole fallacy was concocted by rabbit farmers to keep questionable folks from touching their bunnys. (*I clearly know nothing about rabbits or bunnies.)

Ah! What is that shady monkey up to? Bunny-stay away from the candy! I think the monkey holding the log in the sky which says something on it-is up to no good! Seriously, what is up with the monkey? Who holds a log like that? We can clearly see his lower torso behind that log. So am I to understand that the mascot for this snack is a log palming monkey? Yes? Ok. No that isn't weird at all. (I didn't want to say anything but it also looks like that monkey is "you know"ing that log.)

So the whole appeal to this candy, other than being soft is each kind pulls apart into tiny pieces. So the grape flavor pulls apart into individual grapes. The orange flavor has a rind you remove and you can separate the segments. Pretty clever right? And is it fun? Well, upon opening the bag you are greeted  with a fantastic grape aroma. Think about that pungent grape gum you had in your youth. Yeah, thats the good stuff. It smells heavenly.

The texture is what you pick up on first when putting it in your mouth. It is like a stale marshmellow. Not in a bad way. Maybe more like a chewier marshmallow. Then comes the sweetness and then the grape flavor wave. It is delicious. I can't say I am crazy about pulling the tiny grapes off. Or eating candy that is a fourth the size of a pencil eraser. That being said if you toss the whole thing in your trap it is quite enjoyable. A tad chewy, a bit fluffy or squishy, and very very grape. Was it a joy? Yes. Would a kid find it a joy? You bet they would. (Except maybe Kayla age 7)

Sarah just tried this treat. She smelled it and said "ooh yeah!" and thought that the pulling it apart into smaller pieces was the best part. She also said that it tasted like grape Big League Chew. She liked it.

I give this snack a 5-Swimming. The feeling of weightlessness as a kid in a pool was a magical joy.-out of 5.

Who doesn't want Smog Balls in their mouth? Most people actually. Yet here it is. This snack wa given to me by my parents for this blog. How cool is that? Pretty dang cool but lets just get somethings out of the way here. First of all, calling a sour goo candy "Toxic waste" can be gross fun for a kid. I agree with that idea. However attempting to build an empire of environmental themed candy is not a great business model. Here is why: Smog is a concept that kids not only don't care about but the don't need to. Gi-Joe doesn't stop mid battle and say "Cobra! We will be back when this smog isn't so unbarable. I mean the airborne soot particles right now have to be a hazard to local floral and fauna." Doesn't happen. Do you think Barbie's car is a hybrid? Nope. She lives in a pink mansion with a bizzangle amount of clothing, shoes, and accesories. Her whole world runs on coal and internal combustion. Don't even get me started on the Transformers.

Second of all, I guess I just had a first of all.

Now what am I supposed to make of this nuclear explosion which is obviously experiencing moderate to high levels of gastrointestinal discomfort. It just makes me think that this product might give me the emergency-D. (That is code for diarrhea.) I don't want the emergency-D on a good day and certainly not at an atomic level. I don't even think that sour candy can have that effect can it? I don't know why I am asking. I hope I never know. Ever.

So in the back of the bag of candy they included a story to rationalize their asinine choice to invent Smog Balls. It has something to do with Dr. Smogg and he wants to cover the earth is toxic chemicals that will rain down from the sky and some dude named Professor Sauernoggin (nice one) who can blast the chemical rain cloud and make it rain sour candy instead. That is the jist of it. It is really dumb. Trust me when I say that no kid is going to give a rats watoosie about that story. They just want whomever is reading it to them to shut up and give them the candy. Also I'd like to say that calling something toxic but teaching kids to eat it seems dangerous. Right? So they hear "Timmy, that is toxic!" and what Timmy hears is "That most likely has been cured by sauernoggin and comes in a variety of flavors ranging from but not limited to blue raspberry and windex." RIP Timmy. Taken from us so very young.

Are they good? Well. when you bite into one it has a crunchy candy shell and a soft sour interior. That pretty much sums up the experience. Is it sour? Not really very sour. I mean when I hear sour I imagine sucking on a lemon. (Which I love to do.) I guess sour as well as spicy is all relative to a person's taste. For me I will say that this isn't super sour. Now I am not saying that the level of citric acid isn't reminiscent of stomach bile because it is. Close your eyes and imagine eating a large amount of sub par Skittles and then having a vurp. What is a vurp? You know when you burp but some stomach acid comes up into your mouth and throat? That is a vurp. That pretty much encapsulates the aftermath of eating Smog Balls. Sound awesome?? Well luckily there are 6 flavors of regret in each bag. One of which and I am not joking, tastes how window cleaner smells. Seriously. Remember what I said earlier about "toxic"? Coincidence? Hmm.

Sarah just came in and tried this snack and she said it smelled good but when she tried the lime flavor that it was NOT sour. She said it tasted like stale tiny jawbreakers and that the strawberry wasn't bad but seemed like it tasted like strawberry nerds and that she didn't want to try others because she didn't want the windex one.

I give this snack a 1-people falling down-out of 5. Think about it. Kids get so much joy out of people falling down. Some of us adults think it is pretty awesome too. One time, Sarah, Dave and I were walking in the snow and Sarah slipped and fell which caused Dave to fall and then I stepped in the same place she slipped and I fell. It was hilariously painful.

Next up is Sumiyaki Coffee Candy!!! I love coffee. I really do. I love the smell. I love the taste. I LOVE COFFEE! My big problem when it comes to coffee drinks or coffee candy is that they usually involve cream and sugar. I only like black coffee. That is what I want. Just black. So I was hesitant to try this snack but it also said coffee on it so I wanted to try it. Ugh. So is my curse. My coffee curse.

Oh I get it. There are the beans and the coffee grinder and candy. That pretty much sums up coffee candy. Thanks candy bag designers. I had so many questions about what I was about to experience. I mean I know what candy is and I know how to drink coffee but coffee candy? I don't get it.

Oh I get it now. The candy comes in these cute silver teepees. The cuteness stops there sadly because the taste of this candy is not awesome. This tastes like old person candy. You know, the type of candy that every kid can tell is not meant for children. It isn't fun or particularly delicious. In this case it tastes like sweetened hard candy and stale old person mouth who just drank coffee which was also stale and the coffee has a mouth and it drank older coffee and it is kissing you too. (That got weird. Sorry.)

Ok close your eyes again and imagine eating a plain sugar disc candy and then your grandma who just drank a coffee gave you a big kiss. ugh. I know. I know. What did I expect. Of course it is going to be sweet but did it have to be so sweet? The candy not the grandma. Ok open your eyes.

I know. It is candy. I get it. Shame on me.

I give this snack a 3-fars-out of 5. Kids get so much joy out of gas. They do! It is like a brief toy to them. It happens to anyone and kids will roar with laughter. That is why Eddie Murphy has a 5 fart a movie clause in his contracts. (*Not a fact but it could be.)




*BONUS*

What?? Oh amn. Not Salsagheti???? Again? But I did this already! Oh wait. That was mango and this is watermelon. Fine. I will try stupid salsagheti again. This was a gift from Sarah's mom from when she went to Mexico. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the thought. I do. She wouldn't know that this was one of the first things we tried and how god awful it is. However we did and it was not great. It is funny to look back on that, years ago and how the natural evolution of this blog has changed. I am in no way a connoisseur or chef or know it all on food in any way. I am just a person who wanted to experiment with writing and this seemed like an appropriate avenue. Things were bound to change as each post is different and written in one sitting of about 2 hours. That being said some of the old posts are strange to me. Can you tell that I just don't want to eat the candy? Procrastination.

I said it last time but what is up with the duck? The duck is not a typical mexican animal nor an italian animal. Will someone please tell me why it is the spokes animal for salsagheti?,,,, And how is that duck supposed to fly with his wings pulled thru a shirt?

Crap. Just look at it. It doesn't even look good. It looks like it tastes. Like dirt and sadness. I think it may be sensing my fear. Look at the beyond lame packet of sickness that it comes with. Oh lord.

There. Much better. Don't you just want to drag some candy noodles thru that sewer leak?  MMMM. Joy! Nobody should want this.

It smells like leather and the breath of someone who may have eaten fruit once whispering the words "dream of a better life."-"One without salsagheti." The noodle itself tastes like cheap gummy laces with salt and sugar or earth rubbed on it. Not pleasant in the slightest. The poo goo is salt and chili and mucus I think. Like if someone put some salt and chili in the palm of their hand and sneezed it into your mouth. That good. No joke kids, get some of this. Together the two parts play out like two bad jokes on your tongue. Either way your feeling will be hurt. No joy. NO JOY AT ALL.

This snack gets a 0-people getting hit in the crotch-out of 5. Only the twist here is it is the first time you got hit in the crotch and it hurt. Like really hurt. That is the day the laughter died. Some shred of innocence was never to return because of that crotch shot. I hate you Salsagheti.

Thanks for reading. Till next week.

.FooRd BloRg. Chews life. Choose candy.

There is true beauty in seeing a child eat a piece of candy for the first time. That moment of discovery. "What is this? This nectar of the gods that has befallen me." That moment of clarity. "This is what adults must be doing all the time that us kids aren't allowed to do. This is what all of the patience and hard work boils down to. This single ultimate goal. This is what they lock in cabinets. What they hide from us. This is what they do while we are asleep. This is what they wrestle for in their bed that one time I walked in."

For some of us, that first gummy bear or crappy generic jelly bean was merely the gateway candy. We don't even look back to it or even remember its name. It was just the moment that we knew that wasn't it. There were bigger and stronger goodies out there and we would eat any mushy pea and "clean" our room to get at those candies. If you wanted us to bark like a duck and log roll in dirt we'd do it. (We knew ducks didn't bark. We didn't care. Dignity is something you learn far after you commit to how far you'll go to get a Blow Pop.)

Addicts? Hardly. We can quit. We could quit. From time to time some of us do. We embark on juice cleanses, diets where you count points, lent, and temporary veganism? But we come back. Like a return to a celestial sweetness that shrouds us and beats back the dark forces at work in the world. Impending all encompassing governmental control? Oh I am sorry. I didn't hear you. I was looking at my Sweetarts roll because I just got two grape in a row and that is like winning the freaking lottery. 

Oh, you are going to judge us? OK. Fine. You are better. You are all grown up. You have your fish oil pills and flax seed. You win! I say "Nay!" (I don't now why...) Look inward good sir. Deep inside you there is a child drowning in fat free grossness. Throw him a red vine and help him out! Don't drop him a Lifesaver. That is a pretend candy and everyone knows it. Give them something fun. Watch them smile and relish that treasure. That is how candy should be enjoyed. Not some psuedo candy barely flavored that is stashed in your desk like it is something shameful. 

Today we stand up. Today we unite. Today we devour.

(Coincidentally, today we will be looking at three chewy candies. The 1-5 scale shall be in honor of childhood memories.)

First up we have Milkita. Milkita is a melon flavored milk taffy. (Ugh.) This snack comes from Japan but found its way into my candy bowl by our talented photographer friend Nate. He saw this in a market and figured it deserved a home on this blog. I have said it before to the homeless and I will say it again "My friends are awesome." (Before you get all "that was a mean thing to say to a homeless man" he was one of those uppity self righteous homeless people. Man, I hope he reads this when he checks his email at the library.)

Let's just take a look at the bag here. We have a cow who isn't wearing pants. That wouldn't be weird but the cow is wearing a shirt. So.......Alright, the cow is playing soccer. There is also a melon who is doing jumping jacks in the nude. Can we just agree that this all seems questionable. There is also milk just erupting throughout the back ground. Just a milk magma spew ejecting from an invisible fault line. Next to the jumping baby melon is a huge chunk of one of its parents and the cow's shirt has a number 7 on it. That is some real crazy business. (I apologize for the quality of the pictures.) There is also a sentence on the bottom of the window that reads "Try and taste the difference of all our other flavors."
Not the most confident invitation. (I could see this tagline working for Tacobell. Because it is all the same.) Seriously. Try? Alright. The back also says "Candy is slippery and can cause choking." That sentence is under allergy information. Allergy? I guess "some people" are allergic to "slippery". "Yes, I can't have anything with tree nuts, gluten, or slippery. Oh this has slippery? Damn. Thanks for the warning."

So I am guessing that the cow beat the melon at soccer as the cow is now assuming some sort of disco victory stance and has removed it's shirt as if to say "I am not number seven anymore! I am number one!" Can we just agree that fleshy hoofs are pretty gross. (You hear that, dudes in flip flops?) There is also a weird vortex coming out of the cows posterior. Is this another warning? I am not sure.

Taste wise: I have previously covered a melon milk drink that I froze into a delectable summer treat. This candy is pretty comparable to that. Minus drinkability and carbonation and plus slippery. When you first bite into it the candy yields slightly to the force of your teeth. You get a bit of melon flavor at this point and then comes a milk essence. Now, I don't drink milk. I think it is creepy. However I could see how people might really enjoy this. It isn't very sweet. I bet if you like creamy things and or melon than this would be right up your alley. It would be a great gift for your soccer team mates and a subtle way to let them know that you indecently expose yourself every time your team scores a goal. "I tried to tell you. Remember the cow with the melons? I am the melon cow." Speaking of that. Why doesn't this cow have an udder?

I give this snack a 3- I remember as a kid that bark chips on the playground often turned into lava but the back chips poured over puke in the hall never did. It was important though to not step in either.-out of 5.

Next we have a new product from the Bazooka candy brand. I found this at a local market. It was sitting on the counter by the cash register. Impulse buy style. I said "I do." and it came home with me. This also has some strange things going on with the wrapper. First of all, it clearly is taffy that you take a pen like tube and squirt sour goo on it and then eat it. That is a lot of work for a candy. I feel like they couldn't get the snack to work so they were like just let the kids do it and they will think it is fun. I don't. Wrap that taffy around that goo and lets go! Make me work for it? Shame on you.

Oh and the flavor is "Knock out punch." A candy where you draw with goo on taffy doesn't strike me as the demographic that would enjoy violence but ok. Sure Bazooka. Lets bring violence into the equation.

Not for children under three? Really? I could have told you that. Nobody under three is writing anything of consequence and certainly nothing on taffy. They are still wearing diapers. They aren't book keeping or writing checks. (I am not a parent but I feel like all of my personifications and developmental judgements are spot on today.)

Dare to drop? Isn't that the whole appeal of this half cocked idea? It isn't really a dare if that is literally part of enjoying the process. "Look kid. This taffy isn't great. The flavor is like a really seriously cheap Airheads that got super stale. The only thing that may improve your candy situation here is this sour slime. Dare to drop." That is hardly a dare. It is only up hill from the cruddy candy. POUR THAT STUFF ON IT! Also next time kid, don't buy impulse candy when you are buying a 6 pack of tall boys. You know it won't end well.

It is nice that they are all individually wrapped and that there is a cap on the goo pen. You don't want your goo pen dripping everywhere. The weird thing about the goo pen is the cap has a piece sticking down the side. Like a regular pen cap. Like a kid is going to put it in their shirt pocket. Like a real pen. "See each piece is wrapped so he can put them in his pocket and when wants a snack he just unwraps one and squirts his goo on it and goes." Good planning. But if that kid is like me. One candy is one serving. Not one piece. One candy. The item as a whole. All that wrapping is going in the trash after one sitting. What a waste.

How does it taste? Pretty much as I have already explained. The taffy is waxy and neutral. It has a touch of punch flavor as it becomes grainy in your mouth. Man what a fun candy. Then the semi sour slime mixes with the sandy super sugary breakdown of the taffy and it ends with your teeth wanting to be in a different mouth and your tongue regretting being yours. It tastes cheap and poorly conceived. (Like any song by lmfao) This seems like a clear case of bad design meets novelty meets buyers remorse. Could this have been fun? Yes. Make the taffy into little checks and then the kid signs the check with the pen and the tagline is "Don't write checks that your mouth can't cash." Right? Give those little bankers what they want.

I give this taffy a 1-I remember few of my teachers names from elementary school but I will never forget the name of the boy who pooped his pants on the bus. Keep your head up Stevie Shannon. Wherever you are.-out of 5. (I bet he doesn't drive school busses)

This is Ninja gummy. This candy hails from Japan and comes in a variety of flavors. Wonderful flavors like grape... I love grape candies from Japan. Sure there are other flavors but why list them because grape is the best. What you say? This doesn't look like grape? That is because it isn't. Yeah. I decided to get Ume. Now if you don't know what Ume is than l shall educate you.  Ume is a fruit that americans refer to as a plum but it is more closely related to an apricot.  Yeah, it is like a hybrid of two grandma flavors. Neither is as much fun as grape. You often hear kids wanting grape juice. You don't often hear kids wanting apricot juice. If you do hear a kid say that just know that its parents are jerks. Jerks who probably aren't fun and their house smells of stale air, boredom,  and cottage cheese. Sneak that kid a Rollo and blow their mind.

Now there is something else I have to tell you about this snack. It isn't just "plum/apricot" it is salt cured plum/apricot.

Listen carefully. All other warnings you have ever received pale in comparison to what I am about to tell you. Everything your parents warned you about is bullsh*t. Those things won't kill you. Heck I bet those things are fun and make for good stories when used in moderation. Now turn off your tv. Silence your cell phone. Tell whomever is around you to shut their pie hole.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

This gummy is THE worst thing I have tried. Yes. It steals the crown from the vomit inducing Bacon Tabs. (Even though the thought of B.T.s still makes me get the vomit salivations.) These things are so evil.

When you heard as a child that bad things happen in parks at night-this is what those bad things are.

When you hear about bad things happening in a prison shower-this is what they were referring to.

When you heard Texas Chainsaw Massacre was based on a true story-THIS IS THAT STORY.

Here is the breakdown of possibly the worst candy experience on the planet:

Upon opening the pouch you get a whiff of what it would be like if fruit leather could poop on actual leather which also happened to be on fire. It is musky. Like if you put a fruity lotion on the uppermost inner thighs of an elephant. Jogged it around for an hour and then smelled it. Not for the faint of heart.

(Before we get too deep into this unsettling moment I'd like to ask you a question. Did you ever try the Miller light with salted lime? No? Well it tasted like someone sweat in your bud light with lime. It was disgusting. Ok, carry on.)

The first thing you taste is a slight tang which gave me a false sense of security. I hoped now that it would be just intense and fruity. WRONG. Then it is like all of the air in your mouth is sucked out and a dark shroud of baneful beastly evil envelopes your tongue. Then comes the whatever fruit flavor which is quickly covered by a disgusting wave of salt. There are evil layers of sickness trapped in your mouth and as you chew "fruitlessly" to get it down it keeps changing and becoming saltier and more shoe closety (not a word) in your mouth. My eyes began to water and my throat casts its vote not to be involved in anymore salted plum saliva. So around ten chews or so I expelled it into the trash and attempted to undo the damage it rout in my mouth. Which left me with no fruit flavor. Just a sense of aged decay, sickening salt, and sadness.

My mouth, once a playground for candy, was now nothing more than a bottomless wasteland of sadness and deep regret. The clarity I once had gained has now been marred. I would like to say that I will bounce back from this but this is like when a kid's first pet dies. I know now that death exists. It is my mouth. My mouth becometh death. Thanks to you Ume. You and your ninjas in business suits and reading glasses. (Look at the package again.)

I give this snack a 0- I remember swimming once and I was about to jump in the pool when a bee stung my back. I turned just in time to see it ripping its stinger end off and its bee intestines spilling out on my back. I 'd rather relive that moment every hour than eat this ume gummy again.-out of 5.


*Thank you to Nate for his submission. Thank you for reading. Now I need to go burn some sage on my mouth. My taste buds have informed me that we aren't "buds" anymore. Here's to building bridges!



p.s. I bought the salted plum gummy in a three pack. FML

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Time to take your medicine.

Well if you are human than you've probably been sick at least once this winter. This winter has been brutal with the sickness. As we all know, sometimes you can't get well without taking your medicine. Why? Simply because it makes you better. How? Simply because you have choosen to take it thus exposing your insides to the gifts of modern medicine. You choose. Go natural and possibly get pneumonia or visit the doc for meds. That is my point. Somethings help and somethings are just a smoke screen or an illusion. If you don't want to get better than don't take anything. In fact, if you don't want to know than don't go to the doctor. That is a choice. You have to go the the doctor for that information. You don't just walk up to a person on the street and say "What did you have for lunch?" and their reply is "You have pneumonia." Sure this could happen but chances are slim at best.

Why then, I ask you, when I log into Facebook is there recently nothing but the NEWS. Seriously people. You aren't impacting anything under the illusion of sharing a news site. You have made no difference. You have made no donation. You have made as little effort, that could be called effort, as possible to change or impact any outcome. All you have done is depressed me AND might I add that I did nothing to deserve this. What could I possibly have been guilty of? All I wanted to know was if you ate a sandwich. Remember when that was pretty much every post? "Making a sandwich for dinner!" Minutes later "Successful sandwich preparation. Here goes nothing." Even later posted by their significant other "My man sure can make a mean sammich!!!LOL" Do you remember those fun and innocent times? I do. Did I bitch about it then? You bet your ass I did but I didn't know what I know now. (Hind sight is cheeky that way.) Innocence IS better. That is what I want from a social network. If I wanted news than I would go look for the news. Keep your chocolate out of my peanut butter OK. (Quit thinking about Peanut butter cups and agree with me.) They should create a FB just for serious news and call it SERIOUSFACE. Everyone can go there are be grumpsters and pretend that their repost saved a starving kid while they eat expensive supposed organic food and drink an 8 dollar beer. Leave me to spend my free time calmly learning that Walt made tacos and that my mom has a new birdhouse. See how relaxing that information is? Ahhhh.

Medicine.

Yes, today all of these snacky darlings have medicinal purposes in one way or another. (Or maybe they just taste like medicine either way you get the theme.)

Up first we have this lovely snack which was procured from a local asian grocery. How can you go wrong with a green tea candy with some kind of weeping center? Many ways actually but I bought this for health reasons. (I buy any candy for its mental health aiding abilities.) Green tea supposedly helps your immune system, fights rheumatoid arthritis, lowers cholesterol levels, and does something not pro-cancer. I don't know if any of that is true. I just eat candy.

Well it sure is pretty. Um, but what is that in the center? Is that a generic tylenol? Is this green tea candy some kind of roofie? There is only one way to figure this out-down the hatch. The first sensation in the mouth is green tea. Green tea was their angle and they are crushing it in that arena. This little smooth hard candy has green tea flavor in spades. Also a fake lemon taste like in Lipton tea. You know, the kind that comes in powder form and some kids eat it. (I KNOW NOT OF THOSE KIDS.)Wow. It isn't overly sweet either which I like. That being said I am now waiting for the walls to erode (of the candy..unless this is a roofie.) so I can taste that weeping lemon pocket. (Ugh. Please don't let me ever type that combination of words again. Also please go forth and call people weeping lemon pockets. "OMG. Did you hear about Glenda? She totally did the horizontal mambo with Herald and Bueford. What A Weeping Lemon Pocket." OR "Hey Todd! Shut yer weepin' lemon pocket! You's couldn't name da capitol of Salem!) So I sat, waiting for what must have been many pieces of a minute. Lets be honest, it was a minute. Then I bit into it. Not the lemon center I expected. First of all it wasn't gooey like the cover of the bag. It wasn't powdery like I thought it might be either. It was just something strange. Kinda fizzy. I don't know what it is or why they hid it in the middle of this candy disc but it is creeping me out. Give me a weeping lemon pocket any day compared to this. While it does deliver on what it says, I ate it a good ten minutes ago and my mouth tastes like it was frequently and recently tea bagged. (With actual tea.) For that reason, I give this snack a 2.5- If you are wearing a green jacket and carrying a clip board on the street don't talk to me-out of 5.

This snack I picked up at Fubonn here in PDX and then Sarah got me box at a different market and then our good friend Nate sent me some goodies and these were among the contents! (How about that. A beautiful lady, a pale troll, and an amazingly talented photographer-all around nice guy, all buying the same snack. *I will let you figure out who is who in that scenario. Although I think my pictures rule me out of the latter choice and my man goods rule me out of the first. Bummer.)

Ginger is used to treat ovarian cancer, prevent colon cancer, migraine relief and menstrual cramp relief among many other things. Pretty much it is said to fight or aid most things. All and all ginger has a pretty positive rap. Hey, look at that exciting news bursting off the front of the packaging! FOIL WRAPPED! That is like a toy and a candy in one! In your face Transformers this is a true two in one combo! We could make a foil pile, have a foil war, pretend it is snowing sticky foil snow, or just do some old fashioned littering. (Which all of those tasks lead to anyway.) Nice! Lets check out the back.

Wait a minute. Hmmm. Really? At any time? I mean sure sometimes but "any time"? I think not. Here are some examples: "Elanor, you husband has died from a slow debilitating disease. Sure he hasn't known who you were for years and that was hard, in particularly on the nurses that he kept hitting on but now he is in a better place-our furnace. Ginger candy?" Or "Leonard, you are diabetic. Ginger candy?" Or "Little Timmy, your mother and I are separating. Ginger candy? No, we aren't separating candy. We don't love each other anymore. That is why we had you and you made it worse. How about now, ginger candy?" Sure the people in those situations are assholes but let's look at some other options. "Darling Linda, I have had strong feelings for you since I first saw you in Algebra. It has taken me a long time to save up but I am finally ready to make that long awaited commitment. If you are reading this I have committed myself into the looney bin. Please find enclosed a ginger candy." Or "Stan and Elana? Oh there you are. I am Dr. Wangelstein, oh I just noticed that you are both redheads. Well, anyway it is a boy. Ginger candy?" (Hold on, in that last scenario where the doctor speaks to the parents in the waiting room...why were both parents in the waiting room?) Lets move on.

Well, I can honestly say that I did't expect that. It looks black with weird white powder on it. Oh my, it smells like what I'd imagine a horses knee would smell like. You know?!? Lets see how it tastes. Well first things first, I expected the texture of caramel but it is way denser than that. This is a serious chew here and as it warms in your mouth it has a slight wavering sweetness and it begins adhering to your teeth as if it is fighting back. This is not my cup of ginger tea. I spit it out after a minute. In my nonprofessional opinion it just has too much honey or gelatin or horse in it. When I think ginger I think about earthy powerful ginger not viscous honey sweetness. The side of the box suggests putting three candies in a cup of hot water to make ginger tea. Yeah right. I would rather drink the hot water thus burning my taste buds and not have to deal with your horse treats. The good news if this is your thing is that the price for a box of these is 89 cents and each box houses 10-12 candies. Cheap. I mean I didn't care for the candy but I will always cherish the foil. I give this treat a 2-for every world event you repost FB tells your friends twice as many times that you are listening to Tom Petty and just listened to Dave Mathews-out of 5.

We got this at Edelweiss here in PDX. I bought it because I had no idea what it was and that usually never bodes well for my mouth and/or stomach.

So what we have here is a sugar free Eucalyptus pastille. Wow does that sound like fun or what? I imagine this is what disapointment tastes like for Norweigan children. Imagine the wide eyed hopeful child approaching their bestemamma or bestepappa (Norweigan for grandma and grandpa) as their grandparent reaches into their purse (reindeer skin most likely) and asks if they want a piece of candy? The child answers back a resounding "JA!" (Norwegan for yes) and the grandparent produces this. This sad looking confection. I mean it looks like a dirty stepped on jujube.

Eucalyptus is supposed to aid in skin irritations, respiratory infections, and ear infections. What part of that doesn't sound yummy?

Is it good? Well, it tastes like menthol and something weird. The weird part I am assuming is eucalyptus. I don't know what it normally tastes like but if this is it than no thank you. It is medicinal tasting by all measurements of the word. As if that is enough to not enjoy, the texture is that of a piece of rubber. Like you are eating Bengay covered rubber buttons. (Coincidentally Rubber Buttons was my clown name back in the circus.) Bouncy back rub salve candy is what this should be called. This must be what it is like to be a masseuse and forget that you have oils on your hands from giving a massage and you get a candy out of your purse (reindeer skin most likely) and taste it. Blech. I give this candy a 2- I don't remember what your sign you are carrying said because I couldn't get past the smell-out of 5.

Oh hell yeah! First of all, I am a big fan of gummy candies. Sure there are some truly terrible ones out there but there are some great high end gummies. Japan never ceases to amaze me with their skills in the gummy dept. I mean there are a few aspects to a gummy: mouth feel-over all texture, flavor, and level of sweetness. Stop the presses though. These aren't hailing from Japan. These expensive treats are from Bissinger's Handcrafted Chocolatier in St. Louis. I know that the front tells you that is is going to be a healthy alt. to candy which is usually a bad sign. That is like people listening to The Shins because while it is music it has no components that will invigorate or excite you like good music. Better for your heart to be bored. (My god they are boring. One time we saw them because someone gave us free tickets. Ugh. Dull. I couldn't figure out why everyone was even facing the stage. Going to a Shins show because you have free tickets is like picking up a bag of dog sh*t because you need a lunch bag. It is a bad plan and you deserve what you get I guess.)

As far as health benefits, we already covered the green tea earlier and the rest is featured below.

So here on the back you can see the health benefits or lack of evil things. Plus you can see the price. Yep. Nearly 5 dollars for 4 oz. of gummy bears. Those better be some damn fine bears.

Oh my goodness these are some damn fine bears!!! While I can't say that they rival some of the greatness of Japan, these are quite legit. The aroma is Apricot. Mega freaking Apricot! The mouth feel is pretty much as good as it gets. The gummy yields ever so slightly under the pressure of your gentle mastication. (Too much?) Well it does. The gummy is not too sweet. There really is a pleasant balance of apricot aromatics, sweetness and a light lingering green tea flavor. Way more effort is felt in this than the green tea candy earlier. See that is the difference between high end and low end candy. Sure you may pay more but due to the richness and quality you end up ingesting more. I do anyway. One of these is satiating. Where as I'd eat a whole bag of Peach O's without feeling a thing. Don't get me wrong I love Peach O's but this is something different. I give this snack a 5- The world would be a better place if people actually lead by example rather than repost an example-out of 5.

My point is wether it be false help or medical promises that there are real ways to make a difference or an impact. If you are going to put any effort out at least make sure it is worth it. Then again what do I know, I am just a guy complaining to nobody in particular while eating candy in my comfortable home.


Thanks for reading and special thanks to Nate! Thanks for sending me some blog fuel. Much appreciated! Also and always to my amazing wife. Next week is a doozy! See you then. Snack on my hungry friends!