.FooRd BloRg. Crunchle Krunch Crunx

Is it just me or does time seem faster as you get older? When you are young time seems so slow. I recall the minutes of a clock lasting a lifetime. Now it seems that the days are short and years are a blur. Did you know mallards are monogamous?

Ok. See, what happened there is I am pretty bad at segues. What is a segue? It is a smooth transition from one subject or topic to another. Did you know that the king of hearts is the only king without a mustache? Think about it dudes. Shave that thing off your face. The king of hearts. He is the king of hearts. He wouldn't lie. 

A segue requires a logical bridge between the two subjects. My brain doesn't build logical bridges. My bridges are a bit more like the end scene in Labyrinth where there is all those steps and the girl can't figure out how to get to Bowie but she can see him.  I am also bad at segues because I will learn something and I will need to share it with everyone I know and I don't finesse it into the conversation either. Example: 

Person: Nice weather we are having.

Me: Yes. I read that a crow lives in a family group ranging from 2-15. And every family is called  a murder. Want to go 50/50 on this fruit roll up? It is grape.

Sarah recently went to a candy store on NW 23rd and she saw a wall of black licorice containers. Different shapes etc... I have seen red licorice ropes and laces and wheels. So who is this person that is sitting around like "Rope? Oh somebody did that? How about a smaller rope? Like a shoe lace. Somebody did that? What if the shoe lace is all wound up and you can then unroll the lace. Somebody did that? AH. Boot? Damn. Sheep? Arg! Pirate? Double Arg! Booty? Yeah, like tiny licorice tooshes. Whew. We did it." That is what I imagine. Just a weird licorice loving snack engineer sitting in a basement somewhere brainstorming licorice shapes. Did you know pearls melt in vinegar? True.

I love bad segues. I love snacks. Lets combine those two.

First up we have a snack that Sarah found at an asian grocery. They are a type of snack named ball cookies. Keep it together. These are called honey ball cookies. This brand is called Hot Kid but we will get to that later. That makes this snack 'Hot Kid's Honey Ball Cookies." I am pretty sure that typing that sentence puts me on some kind of government list. What can you do? Snacking has risks.

Why isn't this snack called "chicken egg cookies?" It is far less questionable. Plus they went thru all the trouble of having chickens all over the packaging. I thought that these cookies were shaped like eggs not balls but then I also thought that they were crackers not cookies.

But wait it gets weirder. Look at the warning in the clear part of the bag. Think about that. They made a nearly invisible warning on food item. What? Was the white background too expensive? Look at the top of the picture at what they did print on white background. "Jim want ball cookie" WTF? What kind of super weirdness is this? Who is Jim?

Finally we have this. That must be Jim. Now I am really hoping that the "hot" that they are referring to is a temperature situation and not how I would feel I'd look in that ensemble. How is the actual ball cookie? Well.  The ball cookie sack, when opened, smelled of flour, paper, and honey. I was disappointed because I thought that this would be like goldfish crackers but instead it was silly little cookie puff balls. We had this on a family outing to the beach. Nobody cared for them. Really the most interesting thing about this snack is the bag. The cookies are barely a cookie. You bite into it and it quickly dissolves in your mouth. Forgettable with a hint of honey. I bet that if you had these as a child than maybe you'd like them as an adult. For me it doesn't do much. I give this snack a 2-A ducks quack doesn't echo and nobody knows why AND Walt Disney was afraid of mice-out of 5.

Oh good. A soy sauce flavored watermelon seed. Yeah. Not a sunflower seed. Which is a seed that people normally eat. This is a soy sauce flavored watermelon seed. A seed that people have always spit out. Now we know why. It has nothing to do with them being inedible and everything to do with that they don't taste like soy sauce. Sarah also found this snack at the same market and we ate these on the same beach trip mentioned earlier.

I didn't go in the ocean.

There is a good look at the ingredients. Very interesting. Not really. In fact I have no idea why I even took that picture. Did you know that peanuts are an ingredient in dynamite? I wonder if dynamite has a warning on the side "Manufactured in a facility that processes peanuts." Like wise peanuts would seem pretty bad ass if they had a warning "Processed in a dynamite factory."

Were these good? Well they smelled like a leather wallet aged in a well and dried with salt on it. It was bitter and very soy saucy. It was also difficult to chew and seemed burnt. In short, this is a terrible thing to put in your mouth.

Here is a list of better things to put in your mouth: soil, lower grade soil, hobo slept on soil, soil on a hobo, hobo, owl pellets, lawn furniture that has received a urine shower, a photo of Rosie O Donnell, a soil covered photo of Rosie O' Donnell, a grave robber's pants, or you could lick the lower portion of a glass door in a day care.

This will surely turn you off of both soy sauce and watermelon seeds. I wish I could go into graphic detail about how gross it was. But again it just isn't that memorable. I give this snack a 0-Your stomach has two produce a new layer of mucus every 2 days or it will digest itself.  Justin Timberlake is 31-out of 5.

Ok these nuts are available at many asian markets and groceries. They might look like that nut snack at Trader Joes but these are far better. First of all, Trader Joes really really sucks. Think about it. Nothing good comes from there. It is a grocery store of one brand. It belongs in a mall. They have frozen trash that isn't very good trash and poor produce and lame cheeses and cheap wine that is gross. ZING! Take that! One person doens't like trader joes. I am sure they care. My point is that the trader joes nut snack has funky lime leaves in it. This mix just has peanuts, pepper flakes and pepper corns. Sarah loves these nuts. What is there not to love.

Look at this dreamy field. Rolling hills covered in nothing but nut bushes. I didn't know that you'd find nuts under bush. I assumed nuts grew in trees. I guess that peanut is a ground nut meaning that it grows in the ground. The first Portland Rose festival was today June 20th 1907.

So I have no idea what this product is called I just know what it is. Clearly the illustration shows: 1. Shake bag. 2. Break tooth. 3. Eat a steaming hot dish of leaf and ovals. Is this a good snack? Do you like heat? I sure as heck do. These nuts are great. Sometimes the pepper corns are a bit much but the chili and peanuts are delicious. I give this treat a 5-The nobel peace prize depicts three naked men with their hands on each others shoulders and on average a 100 people choke to death on ball point pens-out of 5.

Lastly we have another cheeto flavor from Tokyo. I ordered this snack from japan. I am not sure why. It is flavored to taste like Tteokbokki. I know. It looks like I had a seizure while typing. It is a dish prepared with rice cakes cut into rectangles and stir fried with ginkgo nuts and sometimes seafood and then covered with cheese. I guess not all are covered in cheese but this one is. Sound good?

Now lets just put the weird dish name and flavor aside and look at what is going on in that picture. It looks to me like that dog has rolled that boy up in a blanket. I saw this once done to a man who took a lot of extacy or lsd or both and he was dressed like fred flintstone. Well, he was flipping out and pooped in a bush and white bird, who were like the crazy wranglers, came and rolled him up in a blanket and took him away. So in my mind, that boy made this dish and that dog was like "he HAS to be on drugs!' and has rolled him up. I bet that is it.

It looks pretty good to me but looks can be deceiving. It smells like a cheeto. Like puffed corn and some type of dried spice. It tastes like if the three words "I don't know" had a flavor. I haven't had this dish and my brain has no idea what to do with this flavor. It isn't really cheesy. It isn't really sweet or savory. It is somewhere in the middle. Now you might be thinking that doesn't sound that bad but think about this. I am in my thirties. I have tasted a wide array of flavors. When you taste something and you can't quite place it your brain does odd things. It panics like "This isn't food! What are we doing?" It feels creepy for something to be texturally normal but flavor wise it is something unknown. I think that our brain also tells us if something is rotten much in  the same way. You bite into an apple and the texture might be the same but then your brain says "This doesn't taste like apple. Eject!" 

Well the texture was corn puff but the flavor was a mystery which ultimately I found unnecessary to eat. For really no reason I give this snack a 3-The cigarette lighter was invented before the match and the king of hearts represents Charlemagne- out of 5.

You should all be more like Charlemagne. (*Actually just shave. I don't know what kind of life he lived.) 

.FooRd BlooRg. Chocolorts revenge.

Spring is here. Time to pick some flowers..(Oh my god. That is the worst intro ever. Can we just look at that for a second. Both of us just hold this moment. Ugh. It feels gross doesn't it? I deleted a heavy intro about women vs. men and the difficulty of not being overly masculine (overly? You say.) and that is the intro you get? Yes. I am sorry. I am trying to not be so heavy handed in the intro. So lets just pretend that those two short piddly sentences are just great comedy gold. How about you laugh really loud and it will make me feel better. Just pretend that this post started with me saying:

Anytime I see a person hang-gliding I assume that they are a time traveller from 1982.

or

You see less smiles at a craft fair than at a goth night.

or

I am pretty sure the inventor of high fives would view "punching it in" the same way Beethoven would view Kid Rock. #Bullsh!t.

or

Wishing wells are casinos for the amish.

or

Sure when you eat it you call it Asparagus but when you pee it becomes despair-a-gross. #Am I right?

or

My gym hated my promotional idea: Win a free month by guessing how many farts are in the yoga studio.

(I know. Cheap move to recycle things I have posted on Twitter. But get used to it because the 1-5 scale is all them sum b!tches)

So today we are sitting down to eat some chocolates yet again. Sarah is going to be helping me out here so lets get to it.

First up we have a Japanese Kit Kat. Incase you don't know "sakura" is cherry blossom and "maccha" is a finely ground green tea powder and a "latte" is gross. I mean it is a coffee drink made with steamed milk or soy milk....and it is gross. (Jk. But seriously I don't like cream or milk in my coffee. It isn't my thing.)

What a cute box these six tiny expensive Kit Kat sticks come in. I mean look at that little flap. Obviously the person who designed it doesn't understand how keys work but that is ok.

Looks pretty good right? Well here is the break down:

S-Hmm. It tastes like a condensed milk Kit Kat. I don't get any rose in aroma or taste.

d- I get no rose at all. This is pretty close to a non-chocolate Kit Kat.

I wish we could expand on that but honestly that is how long we "enjoyed" this snack. I was expecting strong rose flavor or heavy green tea taste but what they delivered on here is that milk. That lovely latte milk. No thanks. Shame on you Japan. I give this snack a 2-It would seem to me that Tracy Chapman would be great at Nascar commentary#YouDriveAFastCar-out of 5.

Sarah found this for me. As I have said before: these expensive chocolate bars can be quite tricky. They seem to bloat the packaging with as many buzzwords in an attempt to hook a yuppie into spending 8 bucks or whatever. (Also who let that jester into the tea room? That clown is going to break something or defile the finger sandwiches. You know he is.)

Blah blah blah.....Hold up. Skip down to the second paragraph. Read those first two sentences. Now if you aren't the least bit creeped out by that than this chocolate is for you. No. You can't argue. If you are into that than you are weird. Like cat lady fashion blogger weird. Like frog statue collecting weird. Like you smell like off cheese weird. You get the point.

Well it looks unassuming. Here is the breakdown:

S-It smells like a delicious chai. It tastes like a delicious chai. Good chocolate with great flavor. (She went back for seconds....Personally I bet she will finish it tonight.)

d-Oh yeah. Super good. Really nice chai flavor. Wow. Delivers 100% as promised. Hot damn.

If you like chocolate and or chai then you deserve this. It is great. I kind of want to make smores out of it. I also kind of want to drink an espresso but if I am awake I want to drink an espresso. I give this snack a 5-If you answer anything with "nunya" I will stab you in the throat. Not because you are a terrible person (also true) but because it is my kill word.-out of 5.

Ok.Remember when we ate chocolate that had beef and cheese in it? Well we did and this also hails from Neapolitan Chocolates. Rose-berry? Come on! How adorable is that? It sounds like a kid with a head cold is saying "rosemary."

Oh geez. It is super cute. Look at that little fella.

Oh no. I cut him all up and now I have to eat his brains! (And everything else...)

S-Hmmm. It is weird because the chocolate is good but then the rose comes in and it tastes like someone spilled perfume on my chocolate.

d-Whoa. Weird. Yet again their chocolate is good. However when it finishes with the rose it is not quite enjoyable. I also don't get any berry.

S-It is the little dried raspberry or strawberry on top. Also I would like to add in all realness that if you were in the movie The Avengers that you would be THE INCREDIBLE HUNK. On the account that you are so hunktacular and hot..and strong. and dreamier than Leonardo in Romeo and Juliet. (Ok she didn't say that last part...)

d-Oh.

Ultimately this candy fell short of being amazing. Which is sad because the core of what they have going on here is solid. The chocolate is tasty and the soft center is scrumptious but sadly the rose is a no go.

I give this snack a 2-I just took an instagram of my FB, pinned it on my pinterest board and tweeted the occasion. Why am I still so empty inside? #FakeAccomplishments-out of 5.



Well that is that. Next week we have three exciting beverages. (Spoiler alert!) As always I am open to snack suggestions. Just say howdy to me on twitter: dirk_marshall or find me on the FB.(maybe not.)
I wil leave you with two more tweets.

"It is so hard to ride a bike with your ho." #UrbanGardener

"Why isn't there a catholic fight club called Taberknuckle choir? #ICheckedThereIsNun

*No I didn't post this as an add for my twitter. I was sitting staring at the first two sentences on this post and thought "really? This is the memorable intro? I will just look at my twitter and maybe I will be inspired. Instead I found that I had forgotten all of these sentences I had posted. These thoughts that I had had. Pretty weird. I started one just as a place to put thoughts and not really to use a social tool. So I thought I would share it here once. Take care.

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Time to take your medicine.

Well if you are human than you've probably been sick at least once this winter. This winter has been brutal with the sickness. As we all know, sometimes you can't get well without taking your medicine. Why? Simply because it makes you better. How? Simply because you have choosen to take it thus exposing your insides to the gifts of modern medicine. You choose. Go natural and possibly get pneumonia or visit the doc for meds. That is my point. Somethings help and somethings are just a smoke screen or an illusion. If you don't want to get better than don't take anything. In fact, if you don't want to know than don't go to the doctor. That is a choice. You have to go the the doctor for that information. You don't just walk up to a person on the street and say "What did you have for lunch?" and their reply is "You have pneumonia." Sure this could happen but chances are slim at best.

Why then, I ask you, when I log into Facebook is there recently nothing but the NEWS. Seriously people. You aren't impacting anything under the illusion of sharing a news site. You have made no difference. You have made no donation. You have made as little effort, that could be called effort, as possible to change or impact any outcome. All you have done is depressed me AND might I add that I did nothing to deserve this. What could I possibly have been guilty of? All I wanted to know was if you ate a sandwich. Remember when that was pretty much every post? "Making a sandwich for dinner!" Minutes later "Successful sandwich preparation. Here goes nothing." Even later posted by their significant other "My man sure can make a mean sammich!!!LOL" Do you remember those fun and innocent times? I do. Did I bitch about it then? You bet your ass I did but I didn't know what I know now. (Hind sight is cheeky that way.) Innocence IS better. That is what I want from a social network. If I wanted news than I would go look for the news. Keep your chocolate out of my peanut butter OK. (Quit thinking about Peanut butter cups and agree with me.) They should create a FB just for serious news and call it SERIOUSFACE. Everyone can go there are be grumpsters and pretend that their repost saved a starving kid while they eat expensive supposed organic food and drink an 8 dollar beer. Leave me to spend my free time calmly learning that Walt made tacos and that my mom has a new birdhouse. See how relaxing that information is? Ahhhh.

Medicine.

Yes, today all of these snacky darlings have medicinal purposes in one way or another. (Or maybe they just taste like medicine either way you get the theme.)

Up first we have this lovely snack which was procured from a local asian grocery. How can you go wrong with a green tea candy with some kind of weeping center? Many ways actually but I bought this for health reasons. (I buy any candy for its mental health aiding abilities.) Green tea supposedly helps your immune system, fights rheumatoid arthritis, lowers cholesterol levels, and does something not pro-cancer. I don't know if any of that is true. I just eat candy.

Well it sure is pretty. Um, but what is that in the center? Is that a generic tylenol? Is this green tea candy some kind of roofie? There is only one way to figure this out-down the hatch. The first sensation in the mouth is green tea. Green tea was their angle and they are crushing it in that arena. This little smooth hard candy has green tea flavor in spades. Also a fake lemon taste like in Lipton tea. You know, the kind that comes in powder form and some kids eat it. (I KNOW NOT OF THOSE KIDS.)Wow. It isn't overly sweet either which I like. That being said I am now waiting for the walls to erode (of the candy..unless this is a roofie.) so I can taste that weeping lemon pocket. (Ugh. Please don't let me ever type that combination of words again. Also please go forth and call people weeping lemon pockets. "OMG. Did you hear about Glenda? She totally did the horizontal mambo with Herald and Bueford. What A Weeping Lemon Pocket." OR "Hey Todd! Shut yer weepin' lemon pocket! You's couldn't name da capitol of Salem!) So I sat, waiting for what must have been many pieces of a minute. Lets be honest, it was a minute. Then I bit into it. Not the lemon center I expected. First of all it wasn't gooey like the cover of the bag. It wasn't powdery like I thought it might be either. It was just something strange. Kinda fizzy. I don't know what it is or why they hid it in the middle of this candy disc but it is creeping me out. Give me a weeping lemon pocket any day compared to this. While it does deliver on what it says, I ate it a good ten minutes ago and my mouth tastes like it was frequently and recently tea bagged. (With actual tea.) For that reason, I give this snack a 2.5- If you are wearing a green jacket and carrying a clip board on the street don't talk to me-out of 5.

This snack I picked up at Fubonn here in PDX and then Sarah got me box at a different market and then our good friend Nate sent me some goodies and these were among the contents! (How about that. A beautiful lady, a pale troll, and an amazingly talented photographer-all around nice guy, all buying the same snack. *I will let you figure out who is who in that scenario. Although I think my pictures rule me out of the latter choice and my man goods rule me out of the first. Bummer.)

Ginger is used to treat ovarian cancer, prevent colon cancer, migraine relief and menstrual cramp relief among many other things. Pretty much it is said to fight or aid most things. All and all ginger has a pretty positive rap. Hey, look at that exciting news bursting off the front of the packaging! FOIL WRAPPED! That is like a toy and a candy in one! In your face Transformers this is a true two in one combo! We could make a foil pile, have a foil war, pretend it is snowing sticky foil snow, or just do some old fashioned littering. (Which all of those tasks lead to anyway.) Nice! Lets check out the back.

Wait a minute. Hmmm. Really? At any time? I mean sure sometimes but "any time"? I think not. Here are some examples: "Elanor, you husband has died from a slow debilitating disease. Sure he hasn't known who you were for years and that was hard, in particularly on the nurses that he kept hitting on but now he is in a better place-our furnace. Ginger candy?" Or "Leonard, you are diabetic. Ginger candy?" Or "Little Timmy, your mother and I are separating. Ginger candy? No, we aren't separating candy. We don't love each other anymore. That is why we had you and you made it worse. How about now, ginger candy?" Sure the people in those situations are assholes but let's look at some other options. "Darling Linda, I have had strong feelings for you since I first saw you in Algebra. It has taken me a long time to save up but I am finally ready to make that long awaited commitment. If you are reading this I have committed myself into the looney bin. Please find enclosed a ginger candy." Or "Stan and Elana? Oh there you are. I am Dr. Wangelstein, oh I just noticed that you are both redheads. Well, anyway it is a boy. Ginger candy?" (Hold on, in that last scenario where the doctor speaks to the parents in the waiting room...why were both parents in the waiting room?) Lets move on.

Well, I can honestly say that I did't expect that. It looks black with weird white powder on it. Oh my, it smells like what I'd imagine a horses knee would smell like. You know?!? Lets see how it tastes. Well first things first, I expected the texture of caramel but it is way denser than that. This is a serious chew here and as it warms in your mouth it has a slight wavering sweetness and it begins adhering to your teeth as if it is fighting back. This is not my cup of ginger tea. I spit it out after a minute. In my nonprofessional opinion it just has too much honey or gelatin or horse in it. When I think ginger I think about earthy powerful ginger not viscous honey sweetness. The side of the box suggests putting three candies in a cup of hot water to make ginger tea. Yeah right. I would rather drink the hot water thus burning my taste buds and not have to deal with your horse treats. The good news if this is your thing is that the price for a box of these is 89 cents and each box houses 10-12 candies. Cheap. I mean I didn't care for the candy but I will always cherish the foil. I give this treat a 2-for every world event you repost FB tells your friends twice as many times that you are listening to Tom Petty and just listened to Dave Mathews-out of 5.

We got this at Edelweiss here in PDX. I bought it because I had no idea what it was and that usually never bodes well for my mouth and/or stomach.

So what we have here is a sugar free Eucalyptus pastille. Wow does that sound like fun or what? I imagine this is what disapointment tastes like for Norweigan children. Imagine the wide eyed hopeful child approaching their bestemamma or bestepappa (Norweigan for grandma and grandpa) as their grandparent reaches into their purse (reindeer skin most likely) and asks if they want a piece of candy? The child answers back a resounding "JA!" (Norwegan for yes) and the grandparent produces this. This sad looking confection. I mean it looks like a dirty stepped on jujube.

Eucalyptus is supposed to aid in skin irritations, respiratory infections, and ear infections. What part of that doesn't sound yummy?

Is it good? Well, it tastes like menthol and something weird. The weird part I am assuming is eucalyptus. I don't know what it normally tastes like but if this is it than no thank you. It is medicinal tasting by all measurements of the word. As if that is enough to not enjoy, the texture is that of a piece of rubber. Like you are eating Bengay covered rubber buttons. (Coincidentally Rubber Buttons was my clown name back in the circus.) Bouncy back rub salve candy is what this should be called. This must be what it is like to be a masseuse and forget that you have oils on your hands from giving a massage and you get a candy out of your purse (reindeer skin most likely) and taste it. Blech. I give this candy a 2- I don't remember what your sign you are carrying said because I couldn't get past the smell-out of 5.

Oh hell yeah! First of all, I am a big fan of gummy candies. Sure there are some truly terrible ones out there but there are some great high end gummies. Japan never ceases to amaze me with their skills in the gummy dept. I mean there are a few aspects to a gummy: mouth feel-over all texture, flavor, and level of sweetness. Stop the presses though. These aren't hailing from Japan. These expensive treats are from Bissinger's Handcrafted Chocolatier in St. Louis. I know that the front tells you that is is going to be a healthy alt. to candy which is usually a bad sign. That is like people listening to The Shins because while it is music it has no components that will invigorate or excite you like good music. Better for your heart to be bored. (My god they are boring. One time we saw them because someone gave us free tickets. Ugh. Dull. I couldn't figure out why everyone was even facing the stage. Going to a Shins show because you have free tickets is like picking up a bag of dog sh*t because you need a lunch bag. It is a bad plan and you deserve what you get I guess.)

As far as health benefits, we already covered the green tea earlier and the rest is featured below.

So here on the back you can see the health benefits or lack of evil things. Plus you can see the price. Yep. Nearly 5 dollars for 4 oz. of gummy bears. Those better be some damn fine bears.

Oh my goodness these are some damn fine bears!!! While I can't say that they rival some of the greatness of Japan, these are quite legit. The aroma is Apricot. Mega freaking Apricot! The mouth feel is pretty much as good as it gets. The gummy yields ever so slightly under the pressure of your gentle mastication. (Too much?) Well it does. The gummy is not too sweet. There really is a pleasant balance of apricot aromatics, sweetness and a light lingering green tea flavor. Way more effort is felt in this than the green tea candy earlier. See that is the difference between high end and low end candy. Sure you may pay more but due to the richness and quality you end up ingesting more. I do anyway. One of these is satiating. Where as I'd eat a whole bag of Peach O's without feeling a thing. Don't get me wrong I love Peach O's but this is something different. I give this snack a 5- The world would be a better place if people actually lead by example rather than repost an example-out of 5.

My point is wether it be false help or medical promises that there are real ways to make a difference or an impact. If you are going to put any effort out at least make sure it is worth it. Then again what do I know, I am just a guy complaining to nobody in particular while eating candy in my comfortable home.


Thanks for reading and special thanks to Nate! Thanks for sending me some blog fuel. Much appreciated! Also and always to my amazing wife. Next week is a doozy! See you then. Snack on my hungry friends!

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Welcome to my motivation station prepare for elation

It would seem in these modern times that we choose not to SURVIVE but settle just to be alive. We close our eyes to the wonders of the world outside and play games on our phones and watch reruns of Pimp My Ride. The gift of experiencing our each and every breath has instead been replaced with the documentation of ones self. Majesty made both mediocre and bland because everything looks the same through the lens of Instagram. Technique and style are valued far less than a leaked nipple slip from a Kardashian dress. The idea that we are so pleased by complacency, that we are satiated in our Pajama Jeans, has me infuriated and bursting at the seams. This is a message to broadcast massive-

We have become the passive.

Before you leave this page to engage in a Farmville game or something equally mundane. Wait. Remember how you got to this day. It wasn't without stumbles, falls, scrapes, and frays. Then why live this safe predictable way? We are so insulated and inundated by how our creature comforts are operated that we have forgotten what it is like to ACTUALLY be creative. Yes, this idea should sting like a slap. Now go make something without the aid of an app. Put down your smart phone and get your wits about yourself, the only navigation you need is your own heart and health. Give your loved one some actual face time and an honest look before you passively compliment them on Facebook. It is time to treat these creature comforts like a wounded horse, get out your gun and interrupt natures course. You will have plenty of time when you are old and grey to sit around stationary and complain. For now, woman or man, let your life experiences expand. TRY EVERY SINGLE THING YOU CAN. The end result isn't wether or not you liked it, it is about learning about yourself from having tried it.  

This is your life but do you choose to live it?

-Mc Snackmixx

So today's theme is about going outside of our own comfort zones and how in the end we can look back and see how we've grown. Hold on. I am still rhyming. OK. I think it has passed now. Alright, lets get to the snacks.

This was found at Fizz in PDX. I remember getting this gum or one like it in individual plastic wrappers when I was a kid. The idea as you can see by the pretty lackadaisical packaging is that it is gum that looks like a hot dog. More specifically a wiener. Can we just have a moment here to acknowledge the tagline that they put on the front of this gum for children. Gum shaped like a wiener and it says "Blow your lunch". Nobody raised an eyebrow at that one? Really? I know what they must have meant. Oh man. But I keep looking at it. Agh. There it is. I mean double entendre aside just look at the packaging. It is so ugly. Then there is the fact that it is six pieces of gum for a buck 25. Yikes. Then there is the issue of taste.

I think we all know what it means when something is "fruit" flavored. It means that it has a vague sweet flavor that is not great nor memorable. This product has that. This gum tastes like sugar and gum.-sigh-This gum is about as good at being fun to eat as I am successful at algebra. (I never even got to algebra.)
If you are looking for a gum that turns into a pretty massive glob of sugar in your mouth than this might be the snack for you. If you like to feel as if you have made a questionable choice while purchasing a snack than this might be the snack for you. Not for me though. I give this snack a 1-Limit the amount of time you walk around in a game on your game system and actually walk around, stimulating your own nervous system-out of 5

I know, I have said it 1000 times before but I am just not a fan of Mexican candies and sweets. Nonetheless this treat came back with Pat from a recent trip. I couldn't simply turn it down so I had to try it. (Hold on, the rhyming came back. I just need to hold a cold knife to my temple and roll my eyes. Wait, that is to get rid of hiccups...Ok. I will eat a spoonful of cinnamon and also play the spoons. No, that doesn't cure anything. Oh, I think it has passed.) This snack is interesting because of the individual little husk sacks. Is that the right term? I mean they look cool right? 

Huh. A plastic bag is wrapped tightly around the tamarind flavored sugar. Interesting. It smells like if a prune had some old slippers and it was wearing them when it has a fever and it's feverish feet had fever sweats in the slippers and then you smelled it. Yeah, like sweaty prune feet slippers. How does it taste? Pretty much like that. It is gritty. It has the taste of prunes and of course it has cayenne pepper. I bet if Mexico had a show that was the hispanic equivalent of the golden girls and you kissed one of them-your mouth would taste like this. This isn't a new experience thanks to previous Mexican snack adventures but it is another experience. Yep. There is something about the clawing sweetness that won't leave your mouth. It just lingers on your tongue giving you the feeling that you are actively rotting your teeth. I can honestly say that trying this was an all around bummer like realizing that your girlfriend has teeth like Joe Strummer. (Wait. Sorry. It will pass. I just need to fold clothes and think of lemons. . . That doesn't cure anything does it? It just makes you salivate while you match socks. That is just weird. Don't do that.)
As this was a gift, I am unsure of the price but I will say this "Even free is maybe too much." I give this snack a .5-Yes it will be crowded at the ________social event but prepare yourself mentally for that and when it is over you can ay that you made it through and have an experience to remember-out of 5.

Yes. Your eyes don't deceive you. We are doing this. I am not Andrew Zimmern or whatever his name is. My thing is not about eating gross things or extreme cuisine. However, Dave gave me this awhile ago and I had said that I wouldn't be eating them. I believe I also said "I will only eat one if you eat one because I get scared when I throw up alone." (Not true. Probably) Yet ever since then a part of my brain has been saying "why not?" You see, I don't usually make new years resolutions but this year I did. It was to say yes to anything my wife asks. Do I want to go somewhere that I might not have any interest in going? Yes. (Like that.) Something that simple can break the routines that we tend to build for ourselves. It is freeing to see what you are capable of no matter how big or small or possibly ill conceived and thoroughly gross.

So that is what this post and really this snack all come down to. When life gives you a cricket can you eat it? Well what if life sprays chemicals on the cricket to flavor it like bacon and cheese? Do you eat that cricket? In truth, most of what is coating the cricket is dehydrated cheese. Don't ask me why but I was way more gung ho about this idea before I saw that it had blue cheese on it. Something about having blue cheese on my cricket is just off putting. In the event that you think they look cute in that box lets get a closer look.

For you information, the smell is somewhere between when you open a box of Kraft Mac & cheese (You know that mix of dusty cardboard and dried pasta.) and when you open the cheese powder packet from the same box. Hmmm. With just a hint of what an old fly swatter smells like. Just a touch though. Just a touch. There is a balance of ambiance here. Oh man. He is missing a leg. er. I mean he is missing a drum stick. Alright here it goes:

(At the moment of trying this I was positioned by the sink ready to vomit. I had prepared myself.)

The first thing I noticed was that it was quite crunchy and the flavor was,  believe it or not, quite fake cheesy. Now in case you are picturing me casually chewing this cricket with a thoughtful look on my face-think again. I don't think I have ever chewed something so fast in my entire life. Also my eyes did tear up because I let myself think about what I was eating when my tongue felt one of its feet or legs. Luckily these crickets are dried or something so there is no guts to squirt in your mouth, no brain matter smeared on your tongue and no eye juices to go pop. (Are you ok? You look like you might feel ill.) Back in December, Sarah and Dave and I went to The Woodsman Tavern here in PDX and they had a dish of fried pork skin dusted in similar cheese dust. I would almost rather eat this cricket. The big miss here other than that it is a cricket is the bacon flavor. This just isn't what bacon tastes like. In my snack travels I really feel like one thing never changes- only bacon tastes like bacon. Anything bacon flavored is weird and icky. So I did it. I got the cricket down. I looked my opponent in his/hers little cheese covered face and I said......ok that didn't happen. I give this snack a 2-Go to a new restaurant. Make a new dish. Walk a different way home. Change anything even a little. You will live.-out of 5.

So I did it. I ate a bug. Big deal.

Well to me it is a big deal. I didn't particularly want to eat it. But I knew I could. For this blog and for you I did. Yet none of this would have been possible without my family and friends. So thank you for taking a second out of your life to read this from the beginning till the end. Now I am going to turn on the t.v. and become passive again. (JK. I am so not. I am going to make dinner for my lady. #SheIsTheBest)


(*I promise none of the rhyming will appear in any feature posts.)

.FOOrD BLOrG. KIT KATTIES!!!!!

(Side note: As I type this I am also watching 'The Expendables'. So every few sentences I pause to do a round house kick and a few hundred squat thrusts.) Since September I have been excited about this post. Sarah found me a website that carried these variations on the Kit Kat and no matter the price I had to have them. Thank you Japan, for another tasty assignment. Why did it take so long? It didn't, I had a list of other items to review before this awesome assortment and I had to have The Tasteam with me. (You might recall me reffering to them previously as Team Tounge but seeing as they are brother and sister I had to change that for obvious reasons. ) Sarah was our note taker and since we we are discussing so many flavors I am presenting this post in just the recorded responses. Without further adiou I give you Kit Katties!!!Number one: Soy sauce

Dave-smells like pancakes, tastes like white chocolate. Dave was dissapointed

Sarah-eh, I am uninterested

dirk-doesn't like it.

Ultimately- We think there was a mix up at the Nestle factory. It only had a mild scent once Dave put a piece in each nostril. None of it remotely smelled or tasted of soy sauce.
Aloe Vera Yogurt-

Dave-like licking handy sandy. (he kept eating it)

Sarah-smells like grandma and tastes like lotion.

dirk-soap, it is worse than the first. hope it doesn't give you diarhea like soap. so i heard....

Ultimately, this went as expected. sickly.
Maple Syrup-

Dave-smells like maple. tastes like maple. like the maple spread from flavor spot

Sarah-Yep. maple

dirk-not bad. pretty accurate. finally a breakfast candybar.

Ultimately, it is what it promises. Not bad at all.

Salt Carmel Crunch Bar-

Dave-smells like carmel popcorn. I hate it, crappy popcorn poopie pants. It goes with my crappy four loko.

Sarah-the salt flavor lingers

dirk-this is disgusting. who sweat on my candy bar. I am not eating anymore of this.blech.

Ultimately, least popular. Totally disgusting.
Lemon Ramune-

Dave-smells like lemon...lemony snickits. it is good.

Sarah-I like. I ate the mosty.

dirk-fruity pebbles, it smells of fruity pebbles and tastes like fruity loops.

Ultimately, a surprisingly fun snackie.

COLA-

Dave-WOW. This is the best snack I have eaten with you. So effin' good!

Sarah-smells like sour cola candies. it made sarah burpie....

dirk-weird. oh my god THIS IS DELICIOUS!!!!

Ultimately, it had a subtle fizz to it and it was awesome. You wouldn't think cola, chocolate wafer would be even remotely good.. Major success Japan. I would eat this weekly. I would like to thank you for reading this and thank my team for eating these snackies.