.FooRd BloRg. Just be nice. (to chocolate)

Everyone is exposed to different things. That is kind of the idea with this blog. Just putting stuff out there that maybe people are aware of or maybe not. Lets face it, we all miss things. We don't see a movie or checkout an album. I spend a large portion of my time in my head which is a wondrous and strange place. There for I miss things and sometimes when i encounter them it blows my mind.

One such example is that I was calling QFC a grocery store here in PDX and in order to find the number I googled it. Then clicked on the first listing I saw which was Yelp. Now maybe I have been naive but I thought Yelp was just restaurant reviews. You know, reviews that maybe are needed but boy was I wrong. There were reviews for a grocery store. Maybe this doesn't blow your mind but it shattered mine. 

First of all, who writes a review for a chain grocery store? It is a grocery store. They have prepared products and produce and a person that takes your money. It is a pretty straight forward situation. Nobody should be like "I can se my reflection in the floor of the frozen pizza isle. People need to know about this." Or "Six brands of toilet paper. I don't have time to weight the various pros and cons of this selection. Let alone debate how many ply I wish to use. Scale down your selection Safeway. I ain't no asstrologist!" (That isn't a spelling error. That person was making a pun.) It just shouldn't happen. Secondly who stops to read a review before going to a grocery store to buy basic life necessities? You usually go to whatever is closest to you. I have never heard of someone saying "Hey dear, could you pick up some lemons?" and the reply is "Yeah, I will just rundown to Fred Meyer but first let me see what a stranger said about their produce selection and parking situation." It shouldn't exist. Those are the types of things in a grocery store review because that is all you can really say about a grocery store. One person while talking about that the grocery store has parking (wtf?) remarked on how that made it easy to "zip in after work". Yeah, that is how a store works. Nobody should think "I was going to go grocery shopping but I didn't know if they had a parking lot.  Now if you are thinking that sometimes grocery store lots fill up, don't shop at that time. See how easy that is? If you want a really magical shopping experience-go at night. There is nobody there. You can spend hours squeezing grapes if you want. (Why do you want that?) The last thing I will say about this topic is that the top reviewer: Melissa had checked in there 19 times at the QFC. 19 times. I hope all of her friends appreciate that she lets them know that she is at a grocery store, a place pretty much all humans go to buy things all humans need. Whew. Mystery solved. Melissa isn't getting bananas from dragons and big foot. Nope she buys them at a grocery store like everyone else. Thanks Melissa.

Then again for all I know, Melissa may be the daughter of a spy and when she goes missing they will check her phone and say "The last place she checked in was at QFC. Lets go investigate but lets also walk. I am not sure if they have a parking lot."

Segue: Chocolate.

Well played. Today we are looking at 4 different chocolate treats and joining me in this post is Sarah and our pal Beverly.

So up first we have these cashews! Nuts covered in coconut, white chocolate, and curry. One of those I like-curry. The other things, including cashews, I am not such a fan of. I had to buy it though because it sounds so unique or different or possibly terrible. Sarah and I found these at Sheridan Fruit Company where our friend Susie works. Now thats store is more of a specialty market and deserves reviews. In fact it has at least 50 on Yelp. If I was reviewing it I'd give it a 5 out of 5. You should check it out if you haven't. Alas we are talking about these nuts and here is the breakdown.

It smells kind of like sunscreen.

B- Gross. It tastes like easter candy and suntan lotion. Like really cheap easter candy. I hate it.( -10 out of 5)

S- Oh yeah, it tastes like salty suntan lotion. Like somebody sweated in my mouth on vacation. Can I have more? (4 out of 5)

d- Ugh. Coconut. I hate it. Dreadful. It has such a fatty mouth feel between the fatty nut and the fatty white chocolate feel. It coats your mouth in fat. This is truly disgusting.  Also after you swallow it the flavor and sludge stays in your mouth. Torture.

I give this snack a 0-Go to Yelp and read reviews of Jiffy Lube-ouch-out of 5.

I am pretty sure this snack came to us by way of Birchbox. If you don't know what that is than you should look it up. It is pretty fun. This chocolate has chili, cayenne, and cinnamon. Doesn't sound too crazy right?

Kinda cute ain't it? I mean, for a choco pod. it just smells like dark chocolate.

B-It just seems like crappy milk chocolate that turns into crappy dark chocolate . I don't get any chili. I get the cinnamon and it ends with a slightly spicy mouthfeel. (2.5-out of 5)

S-I get a little cayenne but mostly cinnamon. There is too much cocoa. Like it tastes like cocoa powder. (3 out of 5)

d-Bitter. (That is literally all I wrote down. I know. Terrible review. I remember agreeing with both Bev and Sarah but I only wrote one word for myself.) 2.5-Check out Biomat plasma donation on Yelp-out of 5.

Green tea Kit Kat! Yup. I have had several types of imported kit kats over the years. I pretty much try everyone that I can find. So here we are with green tea. Again this was ordered from Tokyo as it is not available in the states.

Oh, look at the back there. You can write a little note. Remember when you couldn't write on snack size candy bars? What dark times those were. I like that there are even lines so your handwriting won't go everywhere. That is so helpful.

B-Live it. It just tastes like a vanilla Kit Kat. This reminds me of a special treat that my grandma used to make. (4-out of 5)

S-Eh. It is a vanilla Kit Kat. Not memorable at all. (3-out of 5)

d- I agree. It isn't bad at all but I wouldn't eat it again. (3-check out Taco Bell on Yelp-out of 5)

Ok so here we have another expensive chocolate bar boasting its exotic spice blends on the front. I have grown weary of these since there are so many of them and they always seem like they are going to be amazing. Yet more often than not they turn out to be underwhelming.

Uh huh. Yep. A whole lot of wordage on there. Buzz words and the use of "titillate". Everything seems in order here.

B- Ugh. It tastes like cheap chocolate and a ton of mint. (2.5-out of 5)

S-Awe sick. It tastes like bile. F-that!!! (0-out of 5)

d-I get tea at the end. Not too into the mint and the chocolate tastes really cheap. I give this chocolate a 2-check out McDonalds on Yelp-out of 5.

My wife told me that people review everything on Yelp. She was right. I guess I just never looked. The things people waste their time on is amazing. (This blog included.)

In closing, I'd like to leave you with an excerpt from a review of a Walmart on 82nd avenue. This message is by Emily L. in Portland Or. "t should also be known that my favorite moment from this particular Wal-Mart is when the women's bathroom had a human turd on the floor. Not in one of the stalls, but just out by the sinks (masterful)....and, said turd, was there long enough for someone, not to clean it up, but to put an orange cone next to it to warn people from stepping on it." 

Now that is a helpful review.

.FOOrD BLOrG. More chocolates.....Seriously?

Ok, I get it. People like chocolate. A lot. It is like the old saying "Variety is the spice of life. . .but after you've had a moderately sized portion of life you are probably going to want dessert and if you are like most people then that will include chocolate."-Aesop or Nestle, I don't recall.

Seriously, I get it. When I go to a market I see a whole end cap of new chocolate concoctions. There has to be an end in sight for this madness. I am convinced that we have exhausted all of the good chocolate pairings and are now just putting anything in chocolate. "Oh, you like chocolate? What else do you like? Do you like boobs? Because this one was made with just boobs. (I know, you are thinking I bet that one is milk chocolate. It wasn't. It was 90% Cacao) Do you like hedgehogs? Because this one tastes like hedgehogs. No that isn't gross. These hedgehogs are very optimistic and their toileting skills are impeccable. How about pizza? I made chocolate pizza and then put pizza in the chocolate. What do you mean is there cheese in it? If you are lactose intolerant what business do you have eating chocolate in the first place? Oh, you like dogs? I made dog chocolates. That is right they are just for dogs and this time have 0% actual dog in them. (Which is real. That last one is real. There are chocolates made just for dogs. That is messed up. Chocolate can kill a dog. That is like making candy household cleaners for kids and then getting mad when they drink the windex. That is your fault. Your kids death is on your hands and your neighbors are scoffing at your sub par window care.) Oh, you like windows? I made chocolate windows and just in case, a chocolate kid sized coffin."-Aesop

I think you get the point. See, I am all about trying new things and giving things a chance but some ideas just shouldn't get out of the idea phase. Somebody should say "I don't think this is a good idea." For instance, any chocolate that is pooped out of a plastic person or animal. That is gross and all I know is that this isn't going to be good chocolate. You never get a Dove chocolate out of a pooping anything situation. If you do, then I am guessing that you are a good samaritan and that person you helped has paid you with one chocolate. Sure it is a weird payment but I don't know the circumstances and I don't need to know. And no, I don't want that chocolate. None the less, my friends and I rallied around some chocolates and braved another session of 'In The Mouth Of Snackness'. Lets see if any of the products are well conceived or just another chocolate regret.

Both this chocolate and the next were found by my wife at a Zupans grocery here in Portland, Or. I am sure you have seen these around if you have any interest in chocolate snacks. You might not have purchased one on the account that they are nine or ten dollars. Yeah, for a chocolate bar. That is the world of "high end" food. One of the ideas behind products like this is that you are paying for premium quality ingredients that have been arranged and balanced by a true talent. These are usually products designed for individual tastes not like an average candy bar that is designed for broad consumption.
Does that make sense? (I wasn't listening to me either.) Basically they are designing an eating experience more than just the experience of stuffing your word chute with foods.

So we can see on the front here: ginger, wasabi, black sesame seeds etc... I must admit that these buzz words peaked my interest and I was glad that she picked it out. (Well done, wife.) I didn't get a photo of the back (I am so lame.) but it had a play by play of how they wanted you to enjoy their product. These steps included warming the piece of chocolate with your thumb and even how to breathe during the eating of said chocolate. First off, keep your laws off my body. Secondly, keep you chocolate off my thumbs. That looks gross.

The wrapper is quite interesting. I always appreciate it when a company adds some design elements to what would otherwise just be boring. While this is nice and all, it will be for nothing if they snack is blech. So lets unwrap this beast and see how it tastes. In addition to my heroic wife, we also have two of our friends C and N to aid in todays experiment.

*Note: Check it out, they even printed something on the chocolate...or stamped it...or molded it...Look, I don't know their process. Geez. Just look at it.

S-Tastes like chocolate. I don't really taste any ginger or wasabi but I can feel the texture of the sesame seeds. (A moment later.) Wait, I get a little wasabi and a little ginger. It isn't bad. I like the sesame seed but would like more wasabi. 3 out of 5.

C- I get a little ginger. A small amount of wasabi which is good. You don't want to f*ck around with wasabi. So subtle. It's base is a very nice chocolate. I could do with more ginger and a touch more wasabi. I could eat this pretty often. Despite the long list of buzz words it isn't a novelty. 3.5 out of 5.

N-It is on the sweet side which I didn't expect. If you suck on the piece of chocolate you do get a little more of the wasabi. For me though it is just a tad too sweet. 2.5 out of 5.

d- This is going to be difficult because all I wrote in my note was "bullsh*t". I think my problem is that I don't care for somebody telling me how to do something or how to enjoy something. However when we did what the back of the packaging said, it really was an interesting experience. Not amazing or mind blowing but I think we could see how this could work. Maybe for a lot of people it does. We thought that perhaps in a restaurant setting or a dessert place this would bode well. Again, I am not a chocolate fan but I can appreciate that we all had similar and yet different experiences and that hasn't really happened before. So nice work but I give it a 2 out of 5.

*Note: This was scribbled in my notes- Not Hobo Biggins Chocolate Company. So do with that what you will.

Here we go again. Another 8-10 dollar chocolate bar. This time including Thyme. Thyme is my favorite herb and if it is paired with lemon I will consume whatever it is on. (That is a lot of time spent saying thyme.) This bar didn't come with its own list of instructions. Thank goodness. Lets see their wrapper under the packaging.

Huh. Well, there is something there but it is so bland that why did they even bother? Yeah, I know the name of the company it is on the outside already. I don't know, just the look of this whole situation reeks of boredom and effort. I usually don't get too gossipy but their website is atrocious. I clicked on shopping and it just told me that my basket was empty. Thanks.

Oh wow. They bothered to put lines on the chocolate. Cool. That must take some time to design. Lines. Interesting choice. Lines. Yea.... I can feel all the design work and everything really inflating the cost here...Or not. I feel like paying this much for something it should feel personal and this doesn't feel personal at all. It continues to feel boxy and boring. I do love thyme though, remember? The flavor will probably turn it around.

S-No. Big f*cking zero.

C-Oh, no. It tastes like the seeds from a birdcage. The seeds from a birdcage with poop on them. Ugh. 1 out of 5 for just trying. It is even worse the second time.

N-Blech. Ugh. Weird. It tastes like carob. This, in no way, tastes like chocolate. 0 out of 5.

d-AHHH. This tastes just how an art teacher smells. The rice texture is highly questionable and there is far too much flax seed or burnt a$$ hair. I can't tell which. 0 out of 5.

Yeah, so to recap this evening's trials: at the end of the evening the first chocolate bar was pretty much gone. All but I kept going back to it and trying to find different elements. That says something right? Almost all of the second bar remained on the plate. Four people with different tastes all found it terrible. So between these two are two very different approaches. If I was spending 10 dollars I know who I would choose. (a ton of Sweetarts) I'd like to thank C & N for participating. I hope they will come back again and as always my lady for her support and all around wifeness.

But wait, there is more!!! A BONUS CHOCOLATE ADDITION!

We found this in a Finish store in Astoria. This is the same store that we found double salt licorice at. Ugh. There is something so fantastically intriguing about this product. I mean everyone has seen those little chocolate liquor candies but this is somehow different. Maybe it is the flavored vodka addition or the suppository shape rather than a bottle. Regardless it was a definite buy even at $7.50 a box. So we waited for an opportune time and busted this finish baby open.

So each chocolate is individually wrapped which is a good move since a few were smooshed.  In the first round S tried the original and I tried the cranberry. The woman at the store told us, even though most people should know this, don't bite it in half or vodka will drool down your chin. So you just pop it in your mouth and chew away.

The first thing that happens is the chocolate gives way under your teeth and vodka fills your mouth. Now the next time your teeth meet, there is a gritty crunch. I figure that shell inside the chocolate acts as some kind of barrier for the vodka. It is not great. So there you are with a mouth full of vodka, weird floating crunchy tidbits, and subpar chocolate chunks. You can't really swallow it all down safelyeven though that is what your mind is telling you to do. Your only option is to buck up and chew as fast as you can as vodka sloshes amongst the melting chocolate saliva in your mouth. Sound good? Want some?
Well, come on over we have more.

Needless to say neither of us particularly enjoyed our experience. The first time. Yes we tried another each because S came up with an awesome game plan. Go against the elderly woman's words and defy her finish wishes. S bit the end off the chocolate and shot the lemon lime vodka. "Oh yea, that is pretty good. Just tastes like lemon lime vodka." she said tossing the hollowed chocolate carcass down the garbage disposal. So I tried it as well. She was right, yet again. Heck, this experience was cheaper than 10 dollars and WAY more fun. We were suddenly excited to have a box of these tiny vodka shots. I kinda feel like this product is like those Wax nips. Which was just a wax bottle with a small amount of vaguely sweet liquid in it. Sure you could chew the crappy wax but then you'd just have a mouth full of crappy wax. No thanks. Just let us bite the heads off and drink their guts, thank you.

S-Before figuring out to bite the top off and not eat the chocolate. 2 out of 5. After changing up the experience-4 out of 5.
d- I agree. 100 %

So not everything is a great idea. Not everyone is right about ow to experience things. They all were experiences though and even the bad ones, when shared with friends, can become laughable fun experiences.

Until next time, something, something, and something.-Aesop

......................................

.fOOrD BLOrG. Something tastes like grandma...

"Life is like a box of chocolates unless you are old and then it is a bowl of butterscotches."

An old person

Getting old is strange. It seems like your mind stops at a certain age and stays there. Remaining youthful and fun while your body ages and your hair turns grey. (That is not the case for all. Some people can't wait to be old fuddy duddies.) Age is bizarre much like the spelling of the word bizarre. All I know is that there are other males in the world who are 30 somethings and they don't laugh every time a chair makes a fart sound. I am not one of them. If you say "we should go get something to eat but.." I am going to say "I don't want to go anywhere that is going to make me eat butt." That is just the way it is. I have a hairstyle that looks like when a kid styles their hair in the bath. I eat more sweetarts than the average 8 year old and I draw cartoon pictures in my spare time. Adults can do what they want as long as they behave like adults. That is lame. I say do what you want, you've earned it.

These snacks today are not designed for me. They target an older demographic. A sophisticated demographic. Not a pale guy distracted from his candy blog by an episode of Spongebob Squarepants who thinks showering two days in a row deserves him a prize. Lets get to it.

(Not the shower.)

This is from Fubon and Sarah found it. The fact that it says Herbal candy is what caught our eyes. Awhile ago I had some black tea bon bons that were pretty interesting. Lets see how they fared:

S-It smells like a cough drop. First it tastes like tangerine and then it tastes like a cough drop and it makes me feel like I am sick. I'd eat it though if I was sick.

d-Yup. Cough drop. Medicinal. I don't like it. It sort of tastes like a tangerine but it is so syrupy.

It really was not herbal at all. Quite disappointing. I do like the tin and the individual wrapping. I give this snack a 2-if i ain't going outside, I ain't wearing pants-out of five.
This next snack was given to me as part of a bday prezzie from my folks. I think you can get these at Cost Plus but I am mot sure.
S- Tastes like a Bit-o-Honey but with ginger. I don't like it but I will eat it. I feel like it aids in digestion. I feel like if I eat these I would poop my pants. Why does the ginger man have a scabby acne face?

d-Ugh. It tastes like a Sugar Baby with ginger. I would not eat it again. I really hope nobody poops their pants.

He does look pretty jacked up on the box. Again I like the individual wrapping. (screw you earth) I give this snack a 2-ate a jar of salsa for lunch-out of five.
Lastly we have this Chowards gum. (I know, I just am not a chowards fan but I have passed the Chowards treats around to friends and coworkers who have thought quite highly of them.) I think this was from my parents as well. I think.
S-I like it. I think it is good. I'd chew it after eating, smoking, or drinking. The flavor goes away after about a minute.

d-Soap. It tastes like soap....and then cinnamon.....and then soap again. I don't like it. It tastes like a sachet.

What is a sachet?

It is an old lady perfume style. Imagine if you will a small bag that was scented and is kept in a bedroom. You know what? Just google it.

This was not my favorite gum. It really tastes like soap. Like my parents heard me say 'poop boogers' and made me wash my mouth out with soap...soap that I could chew. Ugh. No thank you. I give this a 1-who says a six pack is not a single serving size-out of five.

Thanks to Sarah for being my tester.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Drink it...or don't.

Have you ever thought this '' I'd like to have the option of having the taste in my mouth as if I had licked an old ladies wig EVEN if there isn't a willing old lady around.'' Me neither. But if you know someone who is into that kind of thing, well, here you go-First of all, let me say that this drink is hard to swallow.....and smell. It is disgusting. It actually tastes like if you asked an old bald lady to jog around her walker and then lifted her wig and licked her sweaty forehead. I really wish I could sell this better but I can't fathom who this drink is for. Sarah bought this in NYC on our recent trip and all I can say is that I hope the thousand other items we bought taste one billion times better than this sickening concoction. I will keep this post short and revolting...like anyone from Jersey.