.It is your choice, chews wisely. FOOrD BLOrG.

They are going to say something. They are and they always will. Just know that if you let that stop you, that your will, will become your won't. (I don't write pretty or often make sense but to me I make perfect nonsense.) A few years ago I did a year of yes. For one year I said yes to everything. Especially things that I didn't or wouldn't normally do. See, I was building a tight comfy little world to retire to all too often. I needed to push myself back out. Not even in a big way like back onto a stage or out in front of people. Like just back outside. Like just around other humans. So I did. It wasn't easy but it really wasn't that hard either. When I allowed myself no grey decision area everything slowly became easier. I didn't have time to waffle on whether or not to do something. I just had to and learn to cope. Learn to cope with groups of people. Learn to cope with people who I didn't see eye to eye with. Learn to cope with peoples' decisions that I might not agree with. The next year I decided to carry it on. One more year of yes. I can now proudly tell you that those years have passed and I don't even notice the difference. The yes has become a part of me. It is in me. It is kind of like the first time you exercise and it sucks. The next time it still sucks but it is a little easier. Then over time your muscles tone and you feel changes in your body order and after awhile you might not even notice that. You just function differently. I learned that change is nice. I learned that change is hard. I learned that I will always be learning. I learned that it all starts with a choice. Choose wisely.

Today we will be trying some chewy snacks. Also our 1-5 scale is brought to you by choices I have made with varying results that didn't kill me.

Alright, first we have Cherry Vanilla Gumdrops from a store called QUIN here in Portland, Or. Sarah told me awhile ago that the woman behind all of the baked goods at Saint Cupcake (also here in PDX) was adding candy to her already expansive list of treats. (We have since gone to SC a number of times and fallen in love with their cookies, brownies, and even ice cream treats.) So Sarah took me around to find some candies made by the mastermind Jami Curl. I bought a few here and there. Then Sarah told me that a whole candy store of these treats was opening and I couldn't wait. I mean I had to but it wasn't too long before QUIN opened and we descended upon it for their hand made treats and curated chocolate bars etc...

I realize this picture isn't the prettiest but you get the point. Look at what is in the gumdrop. Notice what isn't. This is a choice. Now if you do anything creative there will be people who don't like what you do. There will be people who don't even do what you do but will think they know more than you and that you are wrong. You just have to know to choose not to be a party to that. I think part of that is to do what you want and not to listen to them ever. Take even the compliments with a grain of salt as to not become an asshole. Ultimately though I think you have to make a product that you stand by. Something that you believe in. Where you believe in what you put into it. That is what I see here. Ingredients sure. However the flavor and function of what is on this label (hand written exp. date *love it.) all belongs and has purpose.

Ok. Now look at this thing. The two tone cylinder dusted in sweet sweet crystals. It is beautiful. It doesn't feel hard or dense to the touch either. Upon opening the bag I get a definite aroma of cherry.  A pleasant aroma that is both fruity and familiar. Lets try it:

S-This really reminds me of being a kid. I like the consistency and how it isn't sticking to my teeth. There is something about this that recalls cherry cough syrup I had as a child. I know how that sounds. I mean it in a familiar and good way. Maybe it is just the gelatin and the cherry together and maybe it just feels like it is making something inside you better. It feels like somebody is caring for you. I also like that it says it has vanilla and cherry in the title and in the ingredients. I give it a 5 out of 5. Plus one friend point. Plus one ingredient point. (Side note: She just created those two bonus categories. Debut!)

d-I love the texture of this. It has a soft chew. You can really tell that this has been freshly made. It hasn't been sitting around in a warehouse. I like the cherry flavor. It isn't super fake or syrupy. I think the vanilla is in the finish. Like if the cherry was an elderly person and the vanilla was helping it gracefully to sit in a chair. Oh and your tongue is the chair. I give this gumdrop a 5- When getting lines shaved in you hair was cool (6th grade) I drew what I thought was a cool arrow design that stepped down to the back and wrapped around to an arrow on the other side. I didn't realize until the other middle schoolers helped me see that I had a barber shave not one but two penises on the side of my head. Middle school. Double penis hair design. I chose that. I lived.-out of 5.

Moving right along we have Energy Gummy Bears. I got this for Christmas. I asked for these and I think they came from Thinkgeek. The whole appeal is that each package has the chemical equivalent of an energy drink but now you can chew it in bear form. You know for all those times that you have taken a drink of an energy drink and thought "Wow. This tastes SO good. I wish this would linger on my palette for longer!" My favorite thing about this is the health benefits listed at the top of the bag. Clearly if you are eating energy gummy bears you are eating properly and watching your vitamin intake. "Hey Skip, did you drink kale smoothie today?" "No need brother bear. I ate this metallic satchel of all chemical candies. Now lets hula hoop in park in protest of the establishment!" (I also like that someone drew that psychotic bear and someone along the line thought it didn't really communicate the mission statement. Put a frickin thunderbolt on it's face. BOOM. Poetry.)

Well we showed what QUIN put into their candy so lets look at.....um. Are those even things? This is an intentionally awful photo. I wanted you to see what reading after eating these, feels like. What the eff is all that? Is this the recipe for meth? Are these Breaking Bad Bears? (Expect those at your local market soon.)

It smells like a bad decision.

S-Ah. Oh. No No NO. Ugh. It tastes bitter. This is the perfect example of bad cough syrup. This is the polar opposite of the first candy. It sticks to your teeth and lingers in your mouth when you REALLY don't want it to. Horrible.  It is called "Citrus Blast" and there isn't even any citrus in it. How can it be called that? On a scale of 1-5 I give it a negative million.  Plus it is brown. Nobody wants to eat a brown gummy. Gross.

d- Oh it is bitter and is getting more bitter. This tastes like chemicals. Like if my methy neighbor decided to make candy. Maybe these are meth vitamins. They need to be chewy on the account of your brittle soft meth teeth and gum sores. You get your vitamins (somehow) and can pretend that you are eating citrus blast gasoline. Seriously, I once got face wash in my mouth that was far more pleasant and seemed closer to something you should ingest. 0-I decided in college to get back on the stage (a great way to push yourself out of your comfort zone.) into 2 one act plays. The first time my future wife would see me on stage. In one play I was a transgender psychotic nurse and in the other I was in full drag with heels...I don't remember why. She brought her little brother. Not only did she not bat an eye during all this but she coached me on how to walk in heels each night. I never really got good at it. I appreciate what people go thru for fashionable footwear though and supportive friends and family. No matter how strange the choice may seem.-out of 5.

Candy Sunshine! This snack sounds even more like acid than the last one which really seemed like it was at least created on acid or for people on acid. acid.  This snack also came from a snack website. I forget which one. You can clearly see that it is inspired by the original. What is the original? Well just google it. Trust me. It is quite a website. Not going to? Ok I will tell you. The original was candy raisins. Yeah. What? I am not going to tell you the story because their beautiful website does all that. I just want to get this sweet awesome packaging open and let the sunshine loose!

Oh. What the eff? This is just an ordinary sack of pencil erasers. Not the cool kind that are scented either. You know, the ones that you tried when nobody was looking. I mean, we all did it. They smelled delicious like strawberries and grapes. This does not.  Look at it. We had to eat that. Look at it again. It looks like ear wax or ear plugs or ears plugged with wax. Actually, I swear I have seen a suppository that looks like this. That makes sense. It is probably more enjoyable to put this where the sun don't shine. (See what I did there? The Original Where The Sun Don't Shine)

S-Um. I just had to swallow it. This has never happened before but I just had to get it out of my mouth. This candy tastes like someone else's sour breath. If that doesn't make sense to you, think about it. Someone else's sour breath. Do you have it? That is this. Was this the original color? Fix it. Make it taste good. Do something. I don't like this at all. 1-for the weird shape-out of 5.

d- Nope. What? Who missed this? Who was like "Oh man, have you ever had wax, dust, whatever is in erasers, and sadness? It is delicious. I can't find the original but I am feeling inspired!" There is almost a sour bile kind of faintness to it. Like stomach bile fruit leather. I give this snack a 1-One time my friend Aaron and i were playing in this desolate field where there was a slide. We were kids. It had rained. I chose to climb up the wet slide in muddy shoes with no traction. I slipped and as I slid down toward the huge puddle waiting for me at the bottom I shouted "I CAN'T STOP! I CAN'T STOP!" until I crash landed butt first into the puddle. We still laugh about this 20 plus years later. Even bad choices can make the best stories-out of 5.

Lastly we have a gummy from the mighty meiji company. I ordered this from Japan as I love almost every gummy I have ever had from there. This one is Guava flavored.

So here we can see all of the ingredients. I have no idea what any of this says but I do know that this gummy uses 100% fruit juice and each pouch has 2,600 mg of collagen. This isn't the first collagen gummy i have had. This can creep some people out. Supposedly by eating the collagen your skin will look younger. I don't know if that is true. It makes me think I am eating ear lobes. Like in a positive and proactive way. That is normal right?

Ok. The smell is of fruit. I am not super well versed in guava but I am pretty sure this is it. Nearly every gummy I have had from Japan has had this awesome aroma when the bag is opened. You just want to eat it. So we did:

S- Alright. This IS good. This is a good gummy. This is like a beauty treatment and a sweet snack all in one. I get it. This is good. I am going to eat another one. 5 out of 5!!!!

d- Great! Not fake sweet. This is a naturally fruity kinda deal. (well put) This is like a more elastic fruit snack. These are really fragrant. I am going to probably finish these now. I give this a 5-In college I wanted to be involved with the WRC (women's resource center) which did all sorts of incredible work and was run by some really amazing women. The problem was 'What could I offer?" Well, I volunteered to run STITCH AND BITCH. That is right, every week I hosted Stitch and Bitch. Me and around 5 ladies would gather and chat while knitting. Only I had a dirty little secret. You see, I didn't know how to knit. I had learned just how to cast on. So all I did was cast on over and over and over. People enjoyed my bitching so much that they didn't care about my stitching.-out of 5.

So there we go. Another instalment draws to a close.  I encourage you to choose new things to try. Choose things you are pretty sure you won't like. Choose to be kind to strangers. Choose to be helpful. Choose things for other people's benefit. Whatever you do don't choose things that will insulate you in outcomes you already know. At least choose to look at the options and of course, thanks for choosing to read this.

.FOOrD BLOrG. The choice is yours...but it should be mine.

Ok, so lately it has been a little hot around here and I can't say that I approve of that very much but I have no choice. I mean, I have to go to work so I must venture out into the elements. That being said, in not having a choice, forces me to witness choices that others make. Choices like not wearing a shirt despite the fact that with out one you have the torso of one of those worms that people ride in the film 'DUNE'. So I began to think about how people react to the gift we all have which is the freedom of choice.

Some people really go searching before making a choice while others simply prefer to go somewhere close and buy whatever remotely meets their need. Case in point, Why is there still a mall? I mean the internet should have made these pavilions of pedestrian selections obsolete. Yet still today you can go to one and watch people buy sneakers and pretzels.... Don't worry I won't get started on how asinine it is that THAT business model has survived a recession. (Sarah has heard that rant too many times.) Why would anyone choose to eat anything in a foodcourt is beyond me! Sbarro? Chinese food from a warming tray? etc... And yet those choices are made daily. Now I am not saying I am a know it all or that I make amazing choices but people you need to look beyond plain kettle chips and french onion dip. There is a whole world of snacks waiting for consumption. Let's make some choices!
Whoa, wait.... really? Our first choice is cheetos puffs flavored like ramen with a raw egg dropped in it? YES!!!! Oh sure, I thought about Doritos falvored like Tapatio but that is just so commonplace. So obviously these hail from Japan as you maybe have noticed that the packaging is all in non-english. When I was ordering snacks last I found these and I had to try them despite the fact that I have never had ramen with egg in it. In fact I don't really care for eggs. Yet those two facts didn't stop me from buying these. (Of course facts rarely stopped me from ever doing things like being 17 and dying my hair bright pink with black cheetah spots while living amongst rednecks galore who "don't take kindly to them types")

How were they? Well since I can't compare them to the real thing food they are flavored as I will breakdown the overall taste bud execution:

First there is a pleasant corn puff crunch.

Second there is a sodium flavor much like the depth of flavor from a beef ramen packet.

Third you get a unctious almost buttery mouth feel rounding out the palette. My bet is that is how the yolk acts within the actual meal.

Good? Great? Terrible? I'd have to say the first is my answer. The first bite was confusing but by the third my mouth had figured out what was going on and kinda became addicted. Other people (Sarah) were not so keen proving that it isn't for everyone but I am glad I stepped out of the proverbial mall and made this choice. I give it a 3.5-I think if someone is rollerblading these days and you yell "shoot the duck" that they should have no choice but to have to do it or at least give it their all- out of 5. (Below be a close up of the ramen puffs.)
Mmm mmm mmm. Who doesn't like a potato? So mellow, so sedate, so unassuming. That is until you bake it into a stick form and flavor it like Yuzu and Serrano Chili! Yes, our second snack is just that and it comes packaged upright in a carton. This is from Japan as well and it just sounded so loopy that I thought I needed it. (Of course I also thought at one point that I needed a vinyl jacket and a shirt made of fishnet....like I said, I am not saying all of my choices over the years have been solid but they certainly were interesting choices.)

How were they? Not amazing. For anyone who doesn't know what Yuzu is it is a Japanese citrus that is the size of a tangerine and is sour and serranos are friggin hot! I love sour things and I love spicy things but sadly these potato sticks were neither. Just a crunchy slight tang and no heat snack. Not a bad choice but hardly an experience worth sharing. I give this humdrum snack a 1.5-If somebody is rocking a butt part hair do and you say 'butt part' I think they should have to make an inventive fart sound with their mouth.-out of 5.
(Not to mention if the said person is on rollerblades AND has a butt part then you would witness someone with a butt part shooting the duck and making inventive fart sounds with their mouth. You are welcome because that would make the world a better place.)

Next!!!
I know Pocky is hardly a new snack. I remember having it for the first time with Aaron when we went to PDQ by the house I grew up in. I have no idea how old we were but we had never seen anything like it before and while I wasn't a big chocolate fan I chose to try it. Flash forward twenty something years and on a recent trip to Fubonn and I had to pick up these Lychee flake Pocky.

Lychee has a perfume taste to it unless you can it and then the fruit just has the texture of a grape and little taste. That is what intrigued me about this. The fact that it had actual lychee flakes on it and mot simply lychee flavored cream on the cracker stick. How was it?

First, you must like lychee. It tastes like fresh lychee and weird cream. It really does. It has a perfume feel about it that really will turn some people off. Either way, a little goes a long way. To quote Dave after a bite "I get it." That is really all you need since the flavor is not so subtle. I don't think that is bad but it isn't inviting per se either. I give this snack a 3-If the only thing you have ever made "tap out" is a foot long sandwich I don't think you can wear that stupid clothing line-out of 5. Which at this point I'd like to pitch my clothing line NAP OUT. It is a couch shaped outfit you can wear that stretches over your couch perfectly making you snug with your furniture. Oh and you can nap in it.
Interesting...
Sarah bought this and I thought I would include it as another example of how Pocky is really hitting the nail on the head. If you like chocolate and coconut then this snack will not disappoint. I am not a big fan of them (we know) but it was really well executed and while not as odd as lychee quite enjoyable. I give this snack a 4-if you see a commercial for Taco Bell and drive to one the person on the intercom should have to ask you if you just saw one of their commercials and are highly suggestable and when you say yes they will direct you to an equally cheap authentic mexican restaurant/ food cart-out of 5.
Lastly we have plum flavored cheetos balls. Yeah, you read that correct. No there is no cheese involved. It is a corn puff flavored like Japanese plum. Why? I have no idea but once I knew it existed I had to have it. Was it a good choice?

No. Of course it wasn't. I mean it is a corn snack meant to taste like a fruit. Come on. We aren't talking about cereal here. A slightly salty plum flavored corn ball. Ugh. According to the bag it is 100% something and I would guess it says 100% regrettable. It tastes like an old dried plum covered in corn dust. Sick. Every who tried it described it as quite unpleasurable. This choice is about as awesome as when I drank a 16 ounce smoked dark beer and ate questionable reindeer in a sketchy german restaurant in SF. Only this snack cost 2 dollars and the meal I payed for, for days. This snack gets a 1-if Mtv can make shows where stupid people breed why don't they make a show emphasizing how famous people get when they die-out of 5. Think about it, solves so many problems. What? Too much?

Gross balls.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Corn Chorps!!!!

Look, I am going to start this off with some brutal honesty....you ready? Ok, here goes: I never really cared for Cheetos or really any puffed corn snack. I will give you a second to deal with that......( At this point I am humming for approximately 2 minutes to allow proper processing time. Oh, the song? It was 'dirk wears white socks' by Adam and the Ants) {side note: I don't wear white socks} Now don't get me wrong I have eaten cheetos over the years....most likely just FLAMIN' HOT!!!! Because anything that has flames on it, I want to eat for some reason. In my later years I have given this snack form a chance but I have never thought 'gee, I could go for a Cheeto right now.' Also I'd like to say that spell check is saying I have misspelled 'cheeto' and I am not going to look it up solely because I hate that damn cheetah and I always will. Stuff it cheetah! Ok therapy session is over and now here is the first flavor!

Chili oil flavor corn curls. Yep! But look at the guy pointing to his chili oil pool below him....while he is holding a tiny jar of chili oil. As if that moat of oil below him, the actual picture of what the chip tastes like doesn't get the point across. There for he needs his tiny cartoon jar to so we can see that it is in fact chili oil flavor. OR, perhaps the cartoon rendering of this homeless man who loves chili oil is so crude that people might think 'does that homeless man on my chip bag have a jar of human poop with him?' and the other artist said ' have him point at a vat of chili oil!' Genius, crisis averted.
It is a plump corn puff curl. (See photo above)

1-it smells like a corn chip, not really any hint of spice or oil...maybe some oil.

2-Tastes like a corn snack with a hint of oil....I guess they nailed the oil. But is that really good?

3-oil. No heat. Yea, so chili oil?....the chili part...not so much.

What a let down. But then again, as a chip advertised by a homeless french guy who advertises a Japanese chip....maybe it ain't so bad. Nope, it is. But as you will see, that poor little french tramp has a buddy and he is a frickin' frog! Yeah, think about that for a moment. Too me, it makes sense because people with beards attract flies. They attract flies because beards are gross and unsanitary and the rotting food in their face bushels attract flies. And flies attract frogs. The frog however is sad not because the homeless man is homeless but because he is french and everyone knows that french people smell but homeless french people.....Hey-yo!
The second flavor, also from Japan but this time actually by Frito Lay, is a soy sauce flavored Cheeto. I was intrigued by this idea. Would it be cheesy? Cheese and soy sauce? Have I had that? What if that simple pairing of sodium and cheese is my favorite flavor combo? Hmmm, and why isn't that the flavor of a COMBO? (SECRET: My friend Keith likes Combos.)
I cautiously opened the bag to reveal a cheeto just like any other cheeto. It was pale and withered with tiny brown freckles. Like what I would look like if I went out in the sun.

1- Have you ever put brewers yeast and soy sauce on popcorn? That is the essence that I picked up on the ole smell-o-meter.

2- Ok erase the idea of cheese flavored corn snack. Imagine just puffed corn. Now drag that thru soy sauce and dry it with a blow dryer and eat it. (on second thought, don't use a blow dryer)

3-That is what it tastes like. It is not bad at all. It is crunchy and salty. Sure the salt is very much soy sauce but it works. If there was chili on this I'd order another bag right now. I am not saying it is amazing or anything but in comparison to the other bag. Night and day. While we are comparing the bags look at the first.....take your time....yea, the first one...it is the crappy one with the cartoon street person and now look at the second. It is the classy, sexy, romantical snack bag where the soy sauce looks like fine wine. You choose which experience you want. WRONG! You are supposed to choose the soy sauce flavor. In closure, incase you don't know, McDonalds is opening a chinese food chain. No joke. Like they did mexican food with Chipotle. Don't be surprised if they do a stir fry wrap with soysauce cheetos in it. ugh....

.FOOrD BLOrG. HARD CANDY (ewe)

Here we have a battle of hard candy. Oh yeah! IT IS ON! Whatever that means.... This battle is big and includes America vs. Japan vs. Mexico. This time it is personal and the battlefield is your own mouth! (that was my intro)Up first, JAPAN!!! Candy sticks. I have no idea what they are called and I can't find them on the website I ordered but lets face it nobody who reads this buys this crap anyway but I digress. I bought two boxes of these candies each with 2 flavors. Apple, Pineapple, Lemon, and Grape. I won't get into each different flavor just the overall execution.

1-no scent

2-While each flavor is different each has a mentionable amount of sourness. Which I like. The outside of each stick is semi-hard candy and the inside is a mix of hard candy and carbonation.

3-These are pretty good. Grape is my favorite.

4-No after taste.

The thing about this snack is it is kinda like stick candy/ hard candy version of nerds. Think about it. Only nerds are more fun. (That is a t-shirt) Overall a good candy, quite different, interesting fizzy sour goodness. Well done Japan. Moving on let us see what America has for us...

Bottle Pop? Ok, this seems innocent enough right? Well no it isn't and I will tell you why. Look in the picture at the tiny word above 'Bottle Pop'. Yeah, 'baby' is the word. Ok. Nobody other than babies should use a bottle because of what is on top of the bottle. A nipple. Yea, which didn't occur to me until I tried to enjoy this perversion of candy. Ugh, here we go:

1- The candy part has no smell but the powder smells like awesome strawberry smells. See, you take the top and lick it then stick it into the bottle and turn it upside down so that it gets covered in strawberry powder. The powder sticks to your spit and then you put the candy crusted spit back into your mouth. Sound fun? Did I mention that you are sucking on a fake nipple then dipping your spit covered nipple in candy dust and then put the coagulated candy dirt spit covered fake nipple back in your mouth. Yeah, I know I should have put this all together but i didn't 'before' but I sure did when it was in my mouth.

2-Who cares what it tastes like. You have to be buying this product cuz you have some serious issues and or fetishes. If you do buy these I know you are wondering why they don't make milk flavored bottle pops. Sickos. Well done Merica.
Oh man, so here we are Mexico. I know we have had our differences but here is your chance to turn it all around.

1-Kinda smells like fruit leather....and chili powder. Oh man, I thought this was just watermelon. Damn it Mexico. Now I gotta put this in my mouth...oh man.

2-Great. It tastes like prunes. Prunes with a salty subtle chili flavor. Imagine if you will that you put on slippers made of fruit leather and jog in chili powder until your feet sweat in your fruit leather slippers. Then you stop jogging and remove your slippers and wrap them around a stick and put it in your mouth. Oh did that make you sad? Yeah well imagine how my mouth feels! Mexico you have done it again.

3-F-you mexico.

In closing (we checked) the stick is supposed to look like it has been in a rectum.

.FOOrD BLOrG.

OK, so you know when you are at the store and you want a cola but you aren't really that thirsty and you also want some cotton candy but you'd like to chew it for 20 minutes AND you only have enough money to buy one item.. . . You haven't had that problem? Well me neither but that didn't stop someone from solving that non-existant dilema. BEHOLD: Cola flavored cotton candy that turns into gum in your mouth!Meiji brings us this oddity from Japan and you know that means it will be pretty darn awesome. Also awesome is the art work which clearly tells the story of a man chewing gum and hanging out with a pompous toad while a ninja floats above him in a cloud and another ninja appears to have taken his genitals out. That is clearly the story right? I see it.
Before we begin I'd like to add that I have no idea what is happening in the picture above.

1-It smells like cola and fiber glass.

2- Upon putting it in your mouth it feels like eating hair. Matted fiber glass hair. Wig candy if you will. At first it is all texture as the hair fibers start melting releasing a subtle cola flavor. Then as you chew it in an attempt to break down the cola hairball in your mouth it becomes like a slime. So at one point you have hairy slime in your mouth. Then the slime congeals into the texture you know as a little bit of gum.

3-Same as above only the amount of gum in my mouth has grown a tad. At this point I noticed that there were tiny white specks in the matted hair candy. Those tiny specks were compact pellets of fizz. So you have frothy slimy hair candy with cola flavor.

4-Once the cotton cnady is all gone you have a piece of gum in your mouth about the size of an average piece of bubble gum. The flavor is gone after a minute or two sadly leaving you with only the sweet memory of what once was hair.

I know that you are most likely thinking I must have hated it by describing it in slimy hair terms but to be honest it was quite fun. The experience was just that, an experience. It was enjoyable and intriguing how it changed form and shape. I, for one, would rather have this treat in my mouth than a Razzle anyday.

.FOOrD BLOrG. GUM GUM GUM GUM

For this edition I chose to focus on one form of snack that always makes a snack promise to taste like what it is not. GUM. It is a treat that you chew more than any other treat. This is a promise to not only be enjoyed but to be savored for longer than an average of 45 chews. Here we go!BAM! Squeeze gum comes from Japan and it is not squeeze gum. See I have had gum that you squeeze out of a tube and it was sick, grainy, and vomitous. (If that isn't a word it should be.) This gum states that it is 19% fresh watermelon and the cool factor is upped by the fact that it comes with its own tiny pad of papers for disposal. Cute right?.

1- Smells like a chicklet.

2-The taste was not of fresh watermelon. In fact the taste was unpleasent. Like a cleaner or a medicine.....There was a hint of something not meant for mouths.

3-Love these tiny papers. Enough said.

Well Japan, this really let me down. The fact that so many good snacky fruit flavored thingies come from Japan makes me expect alot. Honestly I do. In this case, I set myself up for failure. Both Sarah and I thought this gum really missed the mark and was just plain bad.
Once again this gum hails from Japan and boasts something I have never had. A MINT POWDER CENTER!!!!! Yea, I was excited. I also like its tiny droor packaging. I LOVE Black Black and that menthol burn that it gives me. Did I hope that this gum had that burn?? Yes. Once again I had set myself up......

1- A slight mint smell. Slight.

2- Holy crap!! Awesomeness just threw up kisses on my tounge!! (Too much? Sorry, I will dial it back abit.) eh hem.... It is a good gum.

3- This gum has power! Did I notice the powder? Perhaps a tad texturally but not super noticable. The mint strength definitely had a menthol edge and it singed my nostrils in a very good way.

4-Minutes into chewing the gum I was still chewing it. Did I need to? No. The intensity had come and gone. But the mentholgasm had happened and there didn't need to be more at that.

If you like mint buy it. Find it. Hunt it down. It isn't caffienated but that isn't its promise.
Lastly, your eyes don't decieve you. That is Bubbalicious and it is from (gasp) Mexico and it is flavored 'FUEGO'.

1- I opened it and it looks wet. I instantly thought 'DAMNIT'. Nobody wants to put pre-wet gum in there mouth. And if you do, you have problems.

2-If my tounge had a middle finger it would be fully extended at you Mexico. See I don't speak spanish but I had hoped fuego meant fire. But here is how I figured out what it meant by tasting this crap. Close your eyes and imagine this: your girlfriend or significant other is a piece of unripe fruit and they just ran a marathon and they dare you to kiss their butt.....and you do. Yup 'Fuego' means sweaty rotton butt kiss...on a fruit person. They sound alike.

I knew when I saw it was wet that I didn't feel good about this and I actually tried it with my face over the trash. It lasted just into the double digits in chews. And the regret is still reclining on my tounge. Thanks allot Mexico. Bubbalicious can go fuego themselves.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Crunchies

Here we have Death Sauce Rings from Frito Lay in Japan. Now I thought that Death Sauce was a hot sauce from the states but I was wrong. I am sure the bag explains this. Supposedly this snack even has Jolokia or ghost chili..... All I know is I heard it was spicy and I wanted it!!!

1-Smells of corn snack and chemicals. Which I suppose is quite accurate and I should expect that.

2-Initially it tastes like paprika or slightly like chili powder. Substantial crunch like fresh corn puff?. . .

3- The decent heat factor is a late comer to this mouth party. But it is there. Not super hot or 'death' like.

4-The heat dissipates rather quickly.

Overall I am going to keep this short. Why waste time, right? Look at the picture below and you will get the drift. It is a puffed corn snack with questionable flavor and some spice. Not really note worthy and not worth ordering from Japan. The appearance seems enticing and wild but other than being another thing to pack into your food hole is dismissable.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Sweet sweet tushies

Well, not really... These candies in the photo below are called POPO candy. Now in some circles a 'popo' is a bottom, rear end, booty, fanny, tail, seat, stern, bum, hindquarters, rump, arse, nates, posterior, can, derriere, backside, under structure, tail end, ground work, keister, prat, do nothing, duffs, biscuits, haunches, hams, and of course caboose. It should also be noted that some people might use this term as slang for the police. I don't know why exactly and I am too lazy to care enough to google that. Regardless, none of this explains why this treat is called POPO and has a picture of a psychotic crab on the candy. Curious eh?

Suprise!!! It is Cola flavored candy that fizzes inside! Yup that is why the crab looks as though it has rabies. It isn't booty foam. I know, I was fooled as well. Sorry that this review is a tad different but it didn't seem right to drag out a review when it could be explained so clearly and simply. Is it good? Sure it is fine. Not too cola-y and not sour and with just enough fizz in the center to be pretty interesting but the end result is nothing like the crab illustration indicates. Japan has a ton of cola flavored candy and this is just another one. Another one that sucked me in with its filthy bathroom humor which I am pretty sure is just in my head. For all I know POPO is just Japanese for crazy bubbling cola crab candy.

Alas, I don't speak Japanese. Which brings me to a very exciting announcement and that is today I came home to a new shipment from Japan bursting with rare awesome goodies. Seriously, you aren't going to believe some of this is real. Those posts I have been looking forward for a month or so now but until then please enjoy these pictures from the packing material (it is common to pack boxes from Japan with newspapers from that area) with what I am guessing is the caption.

I am not sure what all the text says about this girl and the guy in the kid suit with a perm but I am sure it boils down to: Not getting Married.
Finally a product voted TOO JAPANESE and was taken off the market. Revamped with less cute animal faces and then returned to the market only too fail.
These guy's sign may say 'Roller Japan' but this picture reads 'Virgin Convention' and I am positive the text reads ' we don't do chicks we just do wheelies'. (Having never roller bladed I don't know if you can wheelie....)
Lastly I think this picture reads as this 'Girl wonders if cat will shout then smell bad bum burps and eat her heart. Till next time SAYONARA!!!

.FOOrD BLOrG. Puffy Snackie

I have no idea what this snack is called unless it is called ' Grapes Marshmellow'. Which is entirely possible with a snack from Japan. I saw this and thought what is one flavor that Japan always gets right? Grape. Without a doubt, grape. So I had to get this candy despite the fact that the lower corner has a picture which leads me to believe it is filled with something. This could be either really great or really not great.

1- Smells a tad medicine like and it feels dusty.

2- It tastes like medicine and the goop inside is a weird contrast to the fluffy exterior.

3- This is sick and I am glad there are only two bites per wrapper.

4- I feel like I took medicine not had a snack.

Second opinions:

Sarah- I don't like grape or medicine. This is sick.

Dave- Dimeatap. Fluffy grape dime tap dream.

Yeah, Dave gets really poetic there in the end. Sadly, this snack really was a let down but in its defense this really good have gone either way. At least for my waist line this snack sucked and I don't have to worry about craving goo filled marshmellows anytime soon. There were other flavors but frankly I bet they all would evoke the same response. There isn't much else I have to say about this snack so lets just leave it short and sweet like my experience with this snack...minus the medicine after taste.

.FOOrD BLOrG. crunchy snackies

Somewhere between Mexico and Japan lies the aim of this salty snack from Japan. It is called CRATZ (which sounds like a sound alike swear a kid would say at school) and the flavor is Mexican chicken flavor and it is supposed to have almonds somewhere in the mix.

1- It smells like upscale dry pet food.

2- I expected this to go many different ways in the arena of taste but I didn't guess correctly.

3-Salty Salty Salty

4-This snack is so sodium laden that I bet it would give a bullion cube a run for its money.

5- Intense is an understatement. After one tiny chunk I was finished with this experiment. Yet for the sake of science I had another just to make sure. No other taste really comes to the for front and now that I had seconds I think it made my breath smell a little like pee.

Yep, this is not for me. According to the packaging I am guessing you should eat this with a cold beer but why you would want to ruin a perfectly good beer experience with this is beyond me. Even the poor quality beer I drink doesn't deserve that sort of treatment. Maybe the makers of this snack had actual snacks from Mexico and thought they should lower the bar. I don't know for sure but that seems the most logical to me. Please excuse me I need to brush my teeth again.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Crunchy snackies

Finally you don't have to buy dried pressed meat and chips at the store! You can just buy this fine snack from Japan which infuses beef jerky flavor into Frito Lay corn chips. A great idea or so I thought as with many purchases it never hurts to really investigate the packaging. See there are many types of jerky some of which are awesome while others are not amazing. Usually a bag of jerky that runs about 12 bux is delicious and the 99 cent plank at the sevey is not so grand. Here we go:

1- It smelled like a Frito with a hint of wallet.....

2- It looked like an average corn chip only thinner and flat very flat.

3- Initially the chip tastes like a corn chip and then there is something weird.

4-By the fourth or so chip my mind was trying to get a jerky vibe going on but I couldn't make it equate. I was looking for that 12 dollar beef flavor and what this snack was attempting to taste like is the 25 cent jerky disc I bought at Putt n Video as a child.

5- Once I realized that and looked at the bag I could see the clear illustration of what they were going for. I also stopped eating them.

They aren't disgusting really but the after taste is similar to a wallet stuffed with corn and with a kiss of gasoline. Oh well, sure that sounds gross but it could have been worse. So no I won't be buying more of these but don't tell that to the guy in the picture below.

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Something to chew on.

Gum, it is a timeless treat. Whether it be in ball, stick, or whatever shape a Chicklet is, gum is exciting for kids of all ages. Personally, I do not chew gum often but for the sake of nostalgia I composed todays experiment. As you can see above, our first gum is a classic. Bazooka has been around since around WW2 and is made by the TOPPS company. Which is why it tastes like the sticks of gum in TOPPS trading cards people bought in the 1980's. It is pink, hard, and tastes like what people would assume plain bubble gum tastes like. The weird thing for me is that the 'comic' wrapped around this gum is new?! Yeah, so somebody's job out there is to write Bazooka Joe comics. Really, seriously? Ok I don't think adding internet references to a comic that no kids identify with but whatever. I guess the Flintstone's Pebbles cereal will feature Fred djing on his ipodosaurus next. Moving on.
Found this at a Mexican market far out SE. Yep, it is Choco flavored bubble gum but it gets worse. It is chocolate flavored gum with a liquid center and THEN it has cake decorations glued to it. What a terrible terrible terrible idea.

1- It smelled like chocolate.

2- It crunched when I bit into it and then things took a turn for the worse.

3-The liquid oozed out and the texture of the gum was brittle and gag inducing.

4- After 6 full chews I gagged and spit it out into the garbage.

Don't chew this gum. Don't let your enemies chew this gum. Go eat the worst chocolate out there and it still won't be this aweful. Blech!!!! Who would have thought that chocolate flavored gum from Mexico would be bad?
This gum is inspired by "omikuji", which are wooden sticks with fortunes inscribed on them. As you can tell this treat comes from Japan. Not only do they have fortunes but some of them, the ones with bad fortunes, stain your mouth red. I am chewing one stick now. I don't read Japanese but this first stick was not unlucky as my mouth is not red. Time for stick 2.

1- Smells like powder and sugar.

2- Tastes like perfume. Light perfume.

3- Two sticks in and my mouth isn't red. I guess that is good luck.

It is not a secret that Japan's treats are usually more imaginative and sometimes way tastier. In this case, this gum kicks Bazooka Joe's butt all over the place and I don't even understand it. Seriously, look at this last picture and tell me 'What in the world is he saying?'.