.FOOrD BLOrG. Chews Life. Be the gummy.

So I was thinking about chewy candies and it dawned on me that "chewy" might be a better way to live than "hard." I am talking lifestyle. Candy metaphor lifestyle. Now I am not saying that one shouldn't have morals or ideals or stand for something. Sure, we should all do that. I am saying that perhaps there are ways that we all could be a tad less rigid. What I am saying is be open.

If you think about it, when you first chomp down on a gummy there is a sort of remix that happens. Your teeth might not break all the way thru and just the shape of the gummy changes a bit. Now it might even regain it's shape at that point. If this had been a hard candy it would break or splinter. You don't have to break. A bit of a stretch maybe but hear me out.

See, last year I told my wife that I was going to have a year of yes. Whenever she asked if I wanted to do something my answer would always be "yes" even if I didn't really want to go downtown or whatever it was. Why would I decide to do that? I did it because I had become perfectly happy in my home with the blinds drawn in my controlled environment. I needed to test myself. I needed to be open. So my awesome wife was the integral part of the equation because it wasn't up to me what I was going to or not experience. Well now we are coming up to the new year again and what do you think happened?

Nothing except a years worth of fun memories and experiences that I wouldn't have had otherwise with the person I care about the most. To be honest, I wish I had decided to do year of yes from day one. Every moment, no matter how small, you can spend with the person you care about and an inside joke or a moment of endearment can happen at anytime.

My point isn't in absolution it is an open evolution. I don't regret it. Not even things that I didn't maybe enjoy much but to be honest I can't name one of those but I can name several really fun memories that I might have previously missed. All I am saying and all this funny little blog is saying is "Try new things. Please be open to great and even bad experiences." That is life. You can't do the whole live and learn thing if you stick to what you already know and never leave your little box. 

Ok. I am done. Let us eat the chewy candies!

Well hey there cuteness! (Um, I was talking to the panda.) Here we have SUPPANDA!! A strange little candy hailing from Tokyo. First impressions, either this is sour or that panda's mouth is down south and what is supposed to be down there is on it's face. You get what I am saying? You know, like:
()*().  Well, that doesn't look right. Never mind lets just move on to the back.

Much better. So here we see the panda still has a b*tthole for a mouth and it's armpit is proclaiming something about a pineapple. That explains...um..a lot.

So it looks pretty sour. It smells slightly of either powder lemon and pineapple. At this point we have pineapple and Tokyo going in this snacks favor. I am pretty excited about trying it.

S- Well, the panda's mouth looks like a butth*le. So minus one style point for making me picture a panda butt. Mmm. It tastes good. Is there goo in the middle? I like it. I don't normally like the goo. I give it a 4-out of 5.

d- I like the texture. It has some resistance. Like a kinda ballsy jelly bean but not grainy. Like a high quality Spree. Is that the one? The goo is good. A little tart but not sour really. A nice pineapple flavor. I give this snack a 4-I don't like crowds but I can survive them by preparing myself before hand-out of 5.

In my humble opinion. You cannot go wrong with a cola flavored gummy from Japan. You can't. Anytime I try one I feel like a super mega winner. So here, that is exactly what we have. My mouth is watering. Obviously the front tells me nothing since I can't read Japanese. I think it says " Hey dirk! Buy these because they are soooooo delicious! Speaking of Dell. Remember that "shoulda got a dell" commercial. Whatever happened to that kid? Kids was a movie. Who wrote that one " I like to move it. Move it" song and why isn't that in commercials for U-Haul? You sure are good looking dirk. Have you been working out? Why yes, self. I have"
. . . . Wait, where were we?

Anyway, here we can see the back. Which clearly states....a lot of stuff. Pretty much all I know is that this candy is cola flavored and it has 2900 somethings worth of collagen. Is that a lot and why is it there? What is collagen?

I am not going to explain that to you. Me not got great thinking meats. So here is a link:

http://health.howstuffworks.com/skin-care/beauty/anti-aging/eating-collagen1.htm

Look at that little one. It is lightly dusted in a fine tart powder. Just opening the bag and I could smell awesome cola smell. Look, I don't drink soda. I don't drink any ever. (Unless it is for this blog.) That being said I love cola candy. I know. I don't understand it either.

S-I like it.  It has a nice texture. More body than the average gummy. Really good flavor. Minus one style point for looking like licorice. This could be like the Nicorette for soda drinkers. They could chew a piece of candy instead of drinking a gallon of soda. 5-out of 5.

d-Totally. I agree with every thing that you just (eats second piece) said. It has a nice chew and the flavor is really full but not too big. A nice tartness. If you like Haribo's sour cola bottles than this is like the high end of that. I give this snack a 5-Always look around you. There are funny little small things happening everywhere. It is amazing what the normal world finds normal.-out of 5.

Oh what? Dueling Japanese pineapple gummies? What did I win the mouth lottery? (That sounds like something one would lose in prison.) Once again I have no idea what any of that says and you know what my guesses are like. (Not entirely accurate.)

Whoa. Am I not the best photographer ever? Good lord I am terrible at taking pictures. This doesn't even show the collagen count. Yes this one features collagen as well. Mmmm. Animal proteins and stuff or things... It sure looks pretty on the packaging. Let's open it up!

Wait. What the f*ck is this? Where did the pretty shinny pineapple from the packaging go? This sure isn't it. This looks like a gummy from the dollar store. Luckily it smells of pineapple. Let's see how it tastes.

S-Uh. This tastes like canned pineapple. Why would anyone want to make a candy taste like canned pineapple. Minus one style point for looking so cloudy. The color is a real turn off. 3-outof 5.

d-It is ok but it does taste like canned pineapple. Who is the person that is like" Man, I LOVE canned pineapple. I just wish it was somehow more portable. I mean, than this can." It isn't terrible. It smells right. I give it a 3-I pretty much now know that anything "confit" is not for me but I had to try from beef cheek confit to duck confit to figure that out-of 5.

Ok so here we have a candy that is flavored......like......Um. Let's just get one thing out of the way. The thing at waist level on the melon man there.

That melon headed dude is sporting a full on erection. I believe this is a candy for kids. I mean, I have heard about being a fan of yourself but really! I mean, he is a melon man who is drinking a soda that tastes like him. And he is REALLY is into that.

Imagine tasting a soda that is flavored just like you. If you didn't almost vomit just now than you aren't applying your imagination. I mean, that isn't my thing but I have been in gas stations far from civilization where I have seen men who have wondered "Why t'aint thar human soders?" U no. Like a Marly soder, a Jethro soder, a Billy Bob soder... Taste like a juicy skin suit! Yee haw! Ma sister is ma wife." (Too much?) My point is that I am all for being open but maybe not that open.

(Why would anyone think that they should put a package on packaging for kids? right?)

Alright. So here we have a melon soda caramel. We have had a red wine caramel and a few others so lets just dive in.

S- Ugh. This tastes exactly like a banana runt. Exactly. (Spits it out.) -1 style point for the BS wax paper wrapping. 0-out of 5.

d- At first I am getting wax notes. Like a candle. Then the essence of cheap bubble gum. That is probably the soda flavor. After that follows hints of regret and banana flavor. This is gross and not at all like melon. Now I have never had melon soda but if this is what it tastes like I will pass. This snack gets a 1-The people that go to a day spa are very different than we are but in some way making them uncomfortable is even more satisfying than a seaweed massage-out of 5.

So ends another chewy episode of FOASP. Thanks for taking the time to read. Thanks to my wife for trying all of these snacks with me and for all of the year of yes experiences.

Lastly I'd like to share that a chef friend of ours started a 30 minutes for 30 days exercise challenge and we are a tad over a week in. The reason I mention this is because we are not big exercise people but here is what we have learned this far: 30 minutes is not a lot of time. It is very approachable. After 30 minutes of exercise a few days you really do feel different. It doesn't take much. In the time I would surf a few websites we have made a minute change to how we live and feel better. Also doing the exercises together is far more fun than alone. Lastly any exercise with any allusion to "buns" in the title is an exercise worth doing. Especially "Bollywood Booty 2."

Till next week. Keep your head up and out of any sodas.

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Welcome to my motivation station prepare for elation

It would seem in these modern times that we choose not to SURVIVE but settle just to be alive. We close our eyes to the wonders of the world outside and play games on our phones and watch reruns of Pimp My Ride. The gift of experiencing our each and every breath has instead been replaced with the documentation of ones self. Majesty made both mediocre and bland because everything looks the same through the lens of Instagram. Technique and style are valued far less than a leaked nipple slip from a Kardashian dress. The idea that we are so pleased by complacency, that we are satiated in our Pajama Jeans, has me infuriated and bursting at the seams. This is a message to broadcast massive-

We have become the passive.

Before you leave this page to engage in a Farmville game or something equally mundane. Wait. Remember how you got to this day. It wasn't without stumbles, falls, scrapes, and frays. Then why live this safe predictable way? We are so insulated and inundated by how our creature comforts are operated that we have forgotten what it is like to ACTUALLY be creative. Yes, this idea should sting like a slap. Now go make something without the aid of an app. Put down your smart phone and get your wits about yourself, the only navigation you need is your own heart and health. Give your loved one some actual face time and an honest look before you passively compliment them on Facebook. It is time to treat these creature comforts like a wounded horse, get out your gun and interrupt natures course. You will have plenty of time when you are old and grey to sit around stationary and complain. For now, woman or man, let your life experiences expand. TRY EVERY SINGLE THING YOU CAN. The end result isn't wether or not you liked it, it is about learning about yourself from having tried it.  

This is your life but do you choose to live it?

-Mc Snackmixx

So today's theme is about going outside of our own comfort zones and how in the end we can look back and see how we've grown. Hold on. I am still rhyming. OK. I think it has passed now. Alright, lets get to the snacks.

This was found at Fizz in PDX. I remember getting this gum or one like it in individual plastic wrappers when I was a kid. The idea as you can see by the pretty lackadaisical packaging is that it is gum that looks like a hot dog. More specifically a wiener. Can we just have a moment here to acknowledge the tagline that they put on the front of this gum for children. Gum shaped like a wiener and it says "Blow your lunch". Nobody raised an eyebrow at that one? Really? I know what they must have meant. Oh man. But I keep looking at it. Agh. There it is. I mean double entendre aside just look at the packaging. It is so ugly. Then there is the fact that it is six pieces of gum for a buck 25. Yikes. Then there is the issue of taste.

I think we all know what it means when something is "fruit" flavored. It means that it has a vague sweet flavor that is not great nor memorable. This product has that. This gum tastes like sugar and gum.-sigh-This gum is about as good at being fun to eat as I am successful at algebra. (I never even got to algebra.)
If you are looking for a gum that turns into a pretty massive glob of sugar in your mouth than this might be the snack for you. If you like to feel as if you have made a questionable choice while purchasing a snack than this might be the snack for you. Not for me though. I give this snack a 1-Limit the amount of time you walk around in a game on your game system and actually walk around, stimulating your own nervous system-out of 5

I know, I have said it 1000 times before but I am just not a fan of Mexican candies and sweets. Nonetheless this treat came back with Pat from a recent trip. I couldn't simply turn it down so I had to try it. (Hold on, the rhyming came back. I just need to hold a cold knife to my temple and roll my eyes. Wait, that is to get rid of hiccups...Ok. I will eat a spoonful of cinnamon and also play the spoons. No, that doesn't cure anything. Oh, I think it has passed.) This snack is interesting because of the individual little husk sacks. Is that the right term? I mean they look cool right? 

Huh. A plastic bag is wrapped tightly around the tamarind flavored sugar. Interesting. It smells like if a prune had some old slippers and it was wearing them when it has a fever and it's feverish feet had fever sweats in the slippers and then you smelled it. Yeah, like sweaty prune feet slippers. How does it taste? Pretty much like that. It is gritty. It has the taste of prunes and of course it has cayenne pepper. I bet if Mexico had a show that was the hispanic equivalent of the golden girls and you kissed one of them-your mouth would taste like this. This isn't a new experience thanks to previous Mexican snack adventures but it is another experience. Yep. There is something about the clawing sweetness that won't leave your mouth. It just lingers on your tongue giving you the feeling that you are actively rotting your teeth. I can honestly say that trying this was an all around bummer like realizing that your girlfriend has teeth like Joe Strummer. (Wait. Sorry. It will pass. I just need to fold clothes and think of lemons. . . That doesn't cure anything does it? It just makes you salivate while you match socks. That is just weird. Don't do that.)
As this was a gift, I am unsure of the price but I will say this "Even free is maybe too much." I give this snack a .5-Yes it will be crowded at the ________social event but prepare yourself mentally for that and when it is over you can ay that you made it through and have an experience to remember-out of 5.

Yes. Your eyes don't deceive you. We are doing this. I am not Andrew Zimmern or whatever his name is. My thing is not about eating gross things or extreme cuisine. However, Dave gave me this awhile ago and I had said that I wouldn't be eating them. I believe I also said "I will only eat one if you eat one because I get scared when I throw up alone." (Not true. Probably) Yet ever since then a part of my brain has been saying "why not?" You see, I don't usually make new years resolutions but this year I did. It was to say yes to anything my wife asks. Do I want to go somewhere that I might not have any interest in going? Yes. (Like that.) Something that simple can break the routines that we tend to build for ourselves. It is freeing to see what you are capable of no matter how big or small or possibly ill conceived and thoroughly gross.

So that is what this post and really this snack all come down to. When life gives you a cricket can you eat it? Well what if life sprays chemicals on the cricket to flavor it like bacon and cheese? Do you eat that cricket? In truth, most of what is coating the cricket is dehydrated cheese. Don't ask me why but I was way more gung ho about this idea before I saw that it had blue cheese on it. Something about having blue cheese on my cricket is just off putting. In the event that you think they look cute in that box lets get a closer look.

For you information, the smell is somewhere between when you open a box of Kraft Mac & cheese (You know that mix of dusty cardboard and dried pasta.) and when you open the cheese powder packet from the same box. Hmmm. With just a hint of what an old fly swatter smells like. Just a touch though. Just a touch. There is a balance of ambiance here. Oh man. He is missing a leg. er. I mean he is missing a drum stick. Alright here it goes:

(At the moment of trying this I was positioned by the sink ready to vomit. I had prepared myself.)

The first thing I noticed was that it was quite crunchy and the flavor was,  believe it or not, quite fake cheesy. Now in case you are picturing me casually chewing this cricket with a thoughtful look on my face-think again. I don't think I have ever chewed something so fast in my entire life. Also my eyes did tear up because I let myself think about what I was eating when my tongue felt one of its feet or legs. Luckily these crickets are dried or something so there is no guts to squirt in your mouth, no brain matter smeared on your tongue and no eye juices to go pop. (Are you ok? You look like you might feel ill.) Back in December, Sarah and Dave and I went to The Woodsman Tavern here in PDX and they had a dish of fried pork skin dusted in similar cheese dust. I would almost rather eat this cricket. The big miss here other than that it is a cricket is the bacon flavor. This just isn't what bacon tastes like. In my snack travels I really feel like one thing never changes- only bacon tastes like bacon. Anything bacon flavored is weird and icky. So I did it. I got the cricket down. I looked my opponent in his/hers little cheese covered face and I said......ok that didn't happen. I give this snack a 2-Go to a new restaurant. Make a new dish. Walk a different way home. Change anything even a little. You will live.-out of 5.

So I did it. I ate a bug. Big deal.

Well to me it is a big deal. I didn't particularly want to eat it. But I knew I could. For this blog and for you I did. Yet none of this would have been possible without my family and friends. So thank you for taking a second out of your life to read this from the beginning till the end. Now I am going to turn on the t.v. and become passive again. (JK. I am so not. I am going to make dinner for my lady. #SheIsTheBest)


(*I promise none of the rhyming will appear in any feature posts.)

.FOOrD BLOrG. My Ding Dong and Cracker Nuts.

What is in a name really? If you ask me-EVERYTHING. You see, being named Dirk, many people in my life have gotten my name wrong. Sure, now there are olympic athletes and ball players named Dirk but for some reason people still get it wrong. Derrick. Yea, people are constantly thinking that I say my name is Derrick. Do me a favor and say my name and then say Derrick. Notice a difference? Yes? Me too. A big one. My name is short and one syllable. I have a one clap name. Derrick sounds like a name created by combining two names. Like naming a kid after both parents. Like Dermot and Rick named their son after themselves. I am not saying there is anything wrong at all with Derrick having two dads. I am saying his name is stupid.

The thing about naming something is you are the person in complete control. That is to say, you are responsible for how this all unfolds. Wether it is naming a kitten or a child or even your own business, there is a chance that you might not make the best decision. Maybe have a consultant or someone help you. Anywho, it is with this idea of names that we approach todays snacks. So open up, this is all true and at times a tad difficult to swallow.

(*Today's rating scale will feature names that I am glad I don't have.)

Yes. That is a sack of Ding Dongs. It is not the first snack called a ding dong but since Hostess just filed for chapter 11, it may be the last. I found this on a recent trip to an Asian grocery store. The cost was around 2 dollars. Let's just take a moment to admire the weird creepy elf that is clearly up to something questionable. He is doing that shifty sideways glance and putting a finger to his lips partly to express craftyness and also to signal that we shouldn't tell anyone about what he was about to do with that bell. I like nothing about being forced into some kind of blood oath with some kind of under dwelling being. Now look at his pinky. That isn't how I ring a bell. That IS how I drink tea but ring a bell? I think not Derrick. I think not.

Ok so we have a snack mix. Lets just look and see what is all in.....um, what the f*ck is cornick? Now I know what those other things are but cornick? Also just to be honest, look at how they put "All in one snack." after the list of things in the sack. Like it is a miracle. LOOK! BEHOLD AT THIS AMAZING FEAT! I TOOK THESE SEPARATE THINGS-PUT EM IN A BAG AND NOW THEY ARE ONE. I AM THE GOD OF DING DONG. (Please don't refer to me as that.)  Look buddy, any random crap you put in a bag is the same thing. I mean anything you eat at one point in time becomes a uniform snack. Ok, lets just move on. Lets open the bag.

Well, you may have noticed that everything in the bag is tiny. Like the size of baby teeth. Oh and curls? I think not. None of the chip curls are actually long enough to curl. There are peanuts in there. The tiniest peanuts that I have ever seen. I decided to taste all the parts individually and to be honest they all taste the same. All parts taste like corn. So despite the phenomenon of putting all these different things in a bag, it all tastes like just one thing. Yes, even the peas. I am sure kid's have been wishing for years that peas tasted like corn but I am rather disappointed. The snack isn't salty or strange in flavor it just is corn. Tiny corn snack is what they should call it. I mean I didn't eat a lot of it but I imagine somebody out there really likes Ding Dong and when their friend invites them to lunch they say "I would but I am so full of Ding Dong right now."

I give this snack a 2-Fanny Whiffers, I mean boy or girl this kid is going to get sat on. A ton.-out of 5. 

Ok, so now we have moved on to Cracker Nuts. While the name isn't quite as unfortunate as the first snack, it isn't great either. Not just because I am white either. (You racist.) I am willing to bet that this snack is 50% cracker and 50% nuts. Unlike the first snack which was (hopefully) 0% dong. (This product was procured for me by my awesome wife from Fubon.)

Yep. They are simply peanuts that have been cracker coated and seasoned. This flavor being "Hot and spicy". Once again I have been mislead by packaging for my cracker nuts were neither hot nor spicy. Flavor wise, they taste like peanuts with a stale coating. Much like if you ever got any kind of peanut snack out of a quarter vending machine. They always tasted stale. Like the bowling alley or where ever you were eating them was built around that vending machine. Like you are eating a piece of history. It isn't terrible really. You first taste the seasoning which is sodium and a pinch of pepper and maybe some cayenne. Then the cracker shell busts open and you got nuts in your mouth. The end. Not a bad snack altogether. Heck I might even try the other flavors. Well, maybe not. I still have half my cracker nuts left.


I give this snack a 3-Felanie- like melanie but with an f. And if you think she isn't going to smoke by the age of 12 and be preggers by 15, you gotta another thing coming-out of 5.

This was found in the jewish section of a regular grocery store. It is a Kosher snack. I am not Jewish so I have no idea what that means but I believe it involves a rabbi. Can we just take a second and notice what the hell is happening on the bag. I mean did the kids from Rugrats grow up and start a Kosher chip company? Chuckie has lost some weight and Tommy had to get glasses that is too bad. Looks like he never got a full head of hair either. Huh. Bummer.

Ok It also hails from Israel. Which I have been spelling "isreal" all this time. Like 'yo this place IS REAL!.' Thanks spell check.

Oh. Well that doesn't look like a cheese curl. In fact it looks healthy. Like it is made of wheat. The chips have the texture of concrete. Seriously. I think you could skin a knee on one. They don't have an overwhelming bbq flavor either. Really they have a flavor like you should feel ashamed for trying to eat chips. Like you should not only not eat chips but if you do then you should eat these so that you could wish that you weren't eating chips. If that makes sense. There was nothing sinfully delicious about this snack. Actually it mostly tasted like wheat and sadness. I think you could taste the tears from whomever tilled the wheat in the snack. Bissli- a tear in every bag.

I give this snack a 2-Ivana Mandic. Yep. That is an actual name of a girl from Yugoslavia. You can see here id online. It is a classic terrible name. How she survived high school we may never know. Or if he did-out of 5.

Thanks to my wife for support and awesomness and thank you for reading. Snack on!

Lastly here is a strange picture from the top of the bag-

You are welcome.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Calling for backup Moufs.

Alright, so I needed back up and Sarah was game so one night I made a sampler plater. Well the next night Dave and Rosa came by so I made another sampler plater for them and here is how it broke down:In order to save time Sarah will be represented by S, David by D, and Rosa by R.
S-Liked it. Functionable to erase bad tastes. (see next snack) Not good chewing gum.

D-Tastes like pinesol and ginger. Flavor dissapates quickly.

R- Tastes of chlorine. I like it but it tastes like chlorine.
S- Compressed arlic salt and one drop of blood.

D-Pee, chicken boulion and salt.

R-salt and chicken.
S-Tastes like Jaeger.

D-Tastes like amaretto.

R-Agreed. Ameretto Jaeger.

S- Like licking a dusty leather boot.

D-Bad pulled pork

R-Frittos and beef

Yup, these here are essentially cheetos but Tom Yum soup flavor.

dirk-They smell of lemon grass and taste of lemongrass. Doesn't taste like the soup but they are spicy and taste also of lime. I ate quite a few.

S-Tastes like lemongrass and they are spicy...give you fish breath. Or seaweed.

D-Breath smells like fish, of the sea.

R-delicious, spicy, loved it.
That concludes our sampler platter experiment. All of these have there own blog post with the exception of the tom yum fritto chips. I'd like to take this moment to thank my contributers for their valiant efforts and brave tounges.

.FOOrD BLOrG. crunchy snackies

Somewhere between Mexico and Japan lies the aim of this salty snack from Japan. It is called CRATZ (which sounds like a sound alike swear a kid would say at school) and the flavor is Mexican chicken flavor and it is supposed to have almonds somewhere in the mix.

1- It smells like upscale dry pet food.

2- I expected this to go many different ways in the arena of taste but I didn't guess correctly.

3-Salty Salty Salty

4-This snack is so sodium laden that I bet it would give a bullion cube a run for its money.

5- Intense is an understatement. After one tiny chunk I was finished with this experiment. Yet for the sake of science I had another just to make sure. No other taste really comes to the for front and now that I had seconds I think it made my breath smell a little like pee.

Yep, this is not for me. According to the packaging I am guessing you should eat this with a cold beer but why you would want to ruin a perfectly good beer experience with this is beyond me. Even the poor quality beer I drink doesn't deserve that sort of treatment. Maybe the makers of this snack had actual snacks from Mexico and thought they should lower the bar. I don't know for sure but that seems the most logical to me. Please excuse me I need to brush my teeth again.