.FOOrD BLOrG. Tea'd Off.

"I pitty the fool with a rude unbrewed attitude."

~Mr. Tea

Ugh. Stress, am I right? I mean who needs it? (A lot of people actually, but I hate it.) For the most part I live a pretty laid back life. I mean I do things and get things done, but I am not about the drama and I don't really see a need in getting all bent out of shape over things that will turn out one way or another. Look, you have a deadline, you have a lot of work to do to meet it. Why not try to have as much fun as possible while you do so? Why be all negative and stressed the whole time? Although even with all that being said, stress will still worm its way into us. When it does, we all have different ways to cope. 

Some people turn to the bottle. The old booze. The genie in a bottle (nobody says that). Some people work out (those people stress me out.) Some people knit (I am guessing). Some people read equestrian spy novels (I am really guessing). Some people take baths and some people smoke weed (The weed people probably also invented the equestrian spy novel genre). My point is that we all need a way to soothe ourselves when the going gets rough and today our snacks are focused on one of those ways. 

A nice cup of tea.

So take a seat and cozy up to the screen and lets get this par-tea started! (If you already groaned at that, you'd be best off not finishing reading this.) Oh I almost forgot, today's 1-5 scale is brought to you by methods to calm ones self or to find tranquili-TEA!!!! (I warned you.) In case you didn't know I am pretty much a guru of stress reduction. So you will no doubt marvel at my vast knowledge in the field. I know, lucky you! I mean all of this helpful information is free even! Please, enjoy.

 

Our first snack comes from the fine folks at Sugarfina. They are a company where you can order a variety of candies and treats. Most of them are packaged in cute little boxes, and when I ordered they included little packets of some other snacks to try. This is one of those snacks. Matcha Green Tea Caramels. I know. Sounds cray cray! (Is anyone still saying that? Yes. Oh good. Wait, is anyone cool still saying it? No? They never were? Oh man. Can't we all just get oolong?)

I know that photo is a bit blurry but compare the two pics. They are of the same candy but why is one yellow and one green? How weird is that? (Probably some sort of scientific explanation steeped in mystery....Steeped. Get it? Ok. Moving on.)

S- Well, it tastes like old tea. Oh man. It tastes like cheap-old green tea. Like dollar store tea. This is too bad bc I like the company and I give them a style point for the packaging but ultimately I give this a 1 out of 5.

d- It smells like maple syrup. No, it smells like a scratch n sniff sticker that was scented to smell like maple syrup a long time ago. Now that it is in my mouth it is somehow both gritty and waxy. The caramel seems cheap as well.  Perhaps I am not familiar with green tea. Is it normally like sand in maple syrup? (Like cheap sand. Not the good kind of sand. You know, like dollar store sand.) I am completely serious when I tell you that this tastes nas-TEA! (Are you really still reading this?) I give this snack a 1- Deep breathing. If you want to make it sound tougher (or nerdier) you can call it "dragon breaths." When the stress hits the fan just take some slow deep breaths in thru your nose and out thru your mouth. Try not to randomly pee yourself as having pee pants will likely stress you out further. Also focus on anything except the sheer amount of germs and ghost poots that you are probably huffing at that moment because it can be distracting and counter productive. I also once heard of a person who's guts just fell out from being too relaxed...So don't do that. -out of 5.

Second we have a Smith Tea Smoked Chai Caramel. I know. Way more cray....z. (Crazy) than the last caramel! This treat comes from Quin here in Portland. Quin offers a variety of hand made candies and can be found online at quincandy.com or in fine shops abound. There isn't much in the way of elaborate packaging here. Which is nice because I don't have to worry about a smoke screen to distract me from what the confection is. Simplicity often puts me at ease. Nothing sends up more snack red flags than packaging boasting all kinds of things and making all sorts of promises. Think of those old time snake oil salesmen. Big banners everywhere trying to convince you to buy their product. I find most often that the best treats just say what they are and that is all they need. Now let's try it.

S- I love that this is actual tea. All to often things have a fake tea flavor. I also really like the texture of Quin's caramels. I have had many of their flavors and the quality of the caramel is always satisfying. I give this a 4 out of 5.

d- The first thing that strikes me is the rich flavor of the caramel. Second I notice that it has a very luxurious mouth feel. (Like I would imagine eating an angel's perm would feel.) None of the candy is sticking to my teeth at all. The tea component comes on almost as a second stage of deliciousness and even then it isn't super assertive. The tea element lingers on the palette not unlike after you take a drink of real tea and the aromatic elements ghost ride your tongue a bit.  Quite nice. I give it a 4- Pressure points. My friend Daniel once showed me a spot that you could pinch in your hand that would make your headache go away. I know. Cra...Insane. Turns out there is like a ton of these spots all over your body. One of them, you put one hand on your third eye (that is between your other two eyes.) (*The real ones.) and the other on your collar bone and take deep breaths (Remember my previous warnings about the breaths though...) There is also a point on your hand that you can pinch but it is really close to the anti-constipation pressure point called "opening the river" or something to that effect. So maybe watch out there. -out of 5.

This is an interesting one. It was a gift from our dear friend JC. (Not to be confused with often bearded JC. Our friend JC doesn't have a beard but still often preforms miracles. Delicious miracles.) We have four flavors of this so you will probably see the others later on. This treat hails from yume Asian confections. It is called Sea Glass Jelly Candy. (Yeah, I don't know either. I had no idea this existed until she gave it to us. That is like just finding out that a unicorn is real and then being offered unicorn sashimi.) (*Side note: Pretty sure unicorn sashimi has the same texture as permed angel hair as well.) The flavor is Burgamot. Now I know that Burgamot is an orange type fruit but our frame of reference for burgamot is most often in tea. So that is why it is in our tea pot. Post, I meant post.

Here we can see the ingredients: (you can't really but I will list them for you.) water, sugar, agar, and essential oils. Simple enough. The really interesting part here is that it also  has a "Consume or freeze by" on the label band. I mean it looks like your average rock candy so what could go bad? Lets further investigate.

I do have to say that this is one of the most beautiful confections that I have had the pleasure of reviewing. I mean it looks like broken glass.

S- Well, first of all it has a really cool texture. It is also really interesting, fun, and pretty. The flavor is great. It is crunchy on the outside and soft inside. I give this a 5 out of 5.

d- Either it smells like plastic or I am imagining that based on the appearance or from the packaging. The mouth feel is as I expected. It is like a hard candy or a sugar crystal. Oh wait! It just broke. It has like a light shell on the outside! Then inside it is a light jelly. I have never had anything like this. Wow was I wrong about this. I have to try another piece because I was so distracted by the shape and density that I missed the flavor. I have to say that the flavor is a tad tea like. Not overtly citrusy. This is amazing stuff. I give it a 5- Be positive! When you encounter a person who is frustrating you and in doing so is causing you stress just say this to yourself "They are doing the best that they can." The fact is, most people aren't out to get you. People aren't making mistakes to mess with you on purpose. In reali-TEA they are doing the very best that they can but to error is human and most humans are positively stupid.  -out of 5.

Our final tea snack is from Klein's. Here we have a Sugar Free Earl Grey hard candy. Think tiny lozenges. Yeah, you got it.

Upon opening the box there is a scent not unlike opening a jar of Lipton's Iced Tea mix. This is a nostalgic smell for me as my mother always had that around the house when I was a wee tot. Lets see how it tastes:

S- I like the beginning. However after awhile it tastes like when you leave your tea bag in your cup and it gets bitter. I give it a 2 out of 5.

d- Oh snap. This has a REALLY strong tea flavor. ( "Hello! Is it TEA you're looking for? -Lionel RichTEA). The candy is about the size of a cherry Runts. (I wish it was a cherry Runts.) It is surprisingly not sweet which is nice. Except the candy is so concentrated that it transitions from tea to soapy tea really quickly. It is like if you were a kid and drinking tea and said "F*CK THIS TEA IS STRONG!" and your guardian promptly washed your mouth out with soap. I give it a 2- The Badger of Sereni-TEA. Imagine the cute tiny hands of the Badger of Serenity are cradling your heart. Its claws are not slashing your innards to ribbons (as they could so easily do) but are instead ever so gently warming your heart. The Badger of Serenity's fang filled mouth is gracefully nestled at your throat. Its jaws are not crushing your larynx though, as would be a non-Badger of Serenity's nature. Instead the Badger of Serenity is purring. A soothing purr sound not to be confused with the aggressive coarse sound the average badger would make as it sloppily guzzled your blood that would spill forth from your viciously severed arteries as the average badger made what can only be described as a breeding den of your eviscerated lung cavity. No. The Badger of Serenity means you no harm. As long as no ordinary badgers have followed the Badger of Serenity here, you will be fine. -out of 5.

Hopefully you enjoyed our little chat, I know I did. I would like to think we all learned a little about ourselves. I learned that I am possibly the worst stress reduction guru. (OR THE BEST!) See you next time.


Tea-U l8tr!

P.S. You might notice that I took the high road here and did not make one tea bag joke. Yeah, some of us are really growing up. I decided not to get too dir-TEA! Awe yea! One more!!! (#SorryNotSorry)

.FooRd BloRg. Just be nice. (to chocolate)

Everyone is exposed to different things. That is kind of the idea with this blog. Just putting stuff out there that maybe people are aware of or maybe not. Lets face it, we all miss things. We don't see a movie or checkout an album. I spend a large portion of my time in my head which is a wondrous and strange place. There for I miss things and sometimes when i encounter them it blows my mind.

One such example is that I was calling QFC a grocery store here in PDX and in order to find the number I googled it. Then clicked on the first listing I saw which was Yelp. Now maybe I have been naive but I thought Yelp was just restaurant reviews. You know, reviews that maybe are needed but boy was I wrong. There were reviews for a grocery store. Maybe this doesn't blow your mind but it shattered mine. 

First of all, who writes a review for a chain grocery store? It is a grocery store. They have prepared products and produce and a person that takes your money. It is a pretty straight forward situation. Nobody should be like "I can se my reflection in the floor of the frozen pizza isle. People need to know about this." Or "Six brands of toilet paper. I don't have time to weight the various pros and cons of this selection. Let alone debate how many ply I wish to use. Scale down your selection Safeway. I ain't no asstrologist!" (That isn't a spelling error. That person was making a pun.) It just shouldn't happen. Secondly who stops to read a review before going to a grocery store to buy basic life necessities? You usually go to whatever is closest to you. I have never heard of someone saying "Hey dear, could you pick up some lemons?" and the reply is "Yeah, I will just rundown to Fred Meyer but first let me see what a stranger said about their produce selection and parking situation." It shouldn't exist. Those are the types of things in a grocery store review because that is all you can really say about a grocery store. One person while talking about that the grocery store has parking (wtf?) remarked on how that made it easy to "zip in after work". Yeah, that is how a store works. Nobody should think "I was going to go grocery shopping but I didn't know if they had a parking lot.  Now if you are thinking that sometimes grocery store lots fill up, don't shop at that time. See how easy that is? If you want a really magical shopping experience-go at night. There is nobody there. You can spend hours squeezing grapes if you want. (Why do you want that?) The last thing I will say about this topic is that the top reviewer: Melissa had checked in there 19 times at the QFC. 19 times. I hope all of her friends appreciate that she lets them know that she is at a grocery store, a place pretty much all humans go to buy things all humans need. Whew. Mystery solved. Melissa isn't getting bananas from dragons and big foot. Nope she buys them at a grocery store like everyone else. Thanks Melissa.

Then again for all I know, Melissa may be the daughter of a spy and when she goes missing they will check her phone and say "The last place she checked in was at QFC. Lets go investigate but lets also walk. I am not sure if they have a parking lot."

Segue: Chocolate.

Well played. Today we are looking at 4 different chocolate treats and joining me in this post is Sarah and our pal Beverly.

So up first we have these cashews! Nuts covered in coconut, white chocolate, and curry. One of those I like-curry. The other things, including cashews, I am not such a fan of. I had to buy it though because it sounds so unique or different or possibly terrible. Sarah and I found these at Sheridan Fruit Company where our friend Susie works. Now thats store is more of a specialty market and deserves reviews. In fact it has at least 50 on Yelp. If I was reviewing it I'd give it a 5 out of 5. You should check it out if you haven't. Alas we are talking about these nuts and here is the breakdown.

It smells kind of like sunscreen.

B- Gross. It tastes like easter candy and suntan lotion. Like really cheap easter candy. I hate it.( -10 out of 5)

S- Oh yeah, it tastes like salty suntan lotion. Like somebody sweated in my mouth on vacation. Can I have more? (4 out of 5)

d- Ugh. Coconut. I hate it. Dreadful. It has such a fatty mouth feel between the fatty nut and the fatty white chocolate feel. It coats your mouth in fat. This is truly disgusting.  Also after you swallow it the flavor and sludge stays in your mouth. Torture.

I give this snack a 0-Go to Yelp and read reviews of Jiffy Lube-ouch-out of 5.

I am pretty sure this snack came to us by way of Birchbox. If you don't know what that is than you should look it up. It is pretty fun. This chocolate has chili, cayenne, and cinnamon. Doesn't sound too crazy right?

Kinda cute ain't it? I mean, for a choco pod. it just smells like dark chocolate.

B-It just seems like crappy milk chocolate that turns into crappy dark chocolate . I don't get any chili. I get the cinnamon and it ends with a slightly spicy mouthfeel. (2.5-out of 5)

S-I get a little cayenne but mostly cinnamon. There is too much cocoa. Like it tastes like cocoa powder. (3 out of 5)

d-Bitter. (That is literally all I wrote down. I know. Terrible review. I remember agreeing with both Bev and Sarah but I only wrote one word for myself.) 2.5-Check out Biomat plasma donation on Yelp-out of 5.

Green tea Kit Kat! Yup. I have had several types of imported kit kats over the years. I pretty much try everyone that I can find. So here we are with green tea. Again this was ordered from Tokyo as it is not available in the states.

Oh, look at the back there. You can write a little note. Remember when you couldn't write on snack size candy bars? What dark times those were. I like that there are even lines so your handwriting won't go everywhere. That is so helpful.

B-Live it. It just tastes like a vanilla Kit Kat. This reminds me of a special treat that my grandma used to make. (4-out of 5)

S-Eh. It is a vanilla Kit Kat. Not memorable at all. (3-out of 5)

d- I agree. It isn't bad at all but I wouldn't eat it again. (3-check out Taco Bell on Yelp-out of 5)

Ok so here we have another expensive chocolate bar boasting its exotic spice blends on the front. I have grown weary of these since there are so many of them and they always seem like they are going to be amazing. Yet more often than not they turn out to be underwhelming.

Uh huh. Yep. A whole lot of wordage on there. Buzz words and the use of "titillate". Everything seems in order here.

B- Ugh. It tastes like cheap chocolate and a ton of mint. (2.5-out of 5)

S-Awe sick. It tastes like bile. F-that!!! (0-out of 5)

d-I get tea at the end. Not too into the mint and the chocolate tastes really cheap. I give this chocolate a 2-check out McDonalds on Yelp-out of 5.

My wife told me that people review everything on Yelp. She was right. I guess I just never looked. The things people waste their time on is amazing. (This blog included.)

In closing, I'd like to leave you with an excerpt from a review of a Walmart on 82nd avenue. This message is by Emily L. in Portland Or. "t should also be known that my favorite moment from this particular Wal-Mart is when the women's bathroom had a human turd on the floor. Not in one of the stalls, but just out by the sinks (masterful)....and, said turd, was there long enough for someone, not to clean it up, but to put an orange cone next to it to warn people from stepping on it." 

Now that is a helpful review.

.FOOrD BLOrG. kom-BOO!-cha

Allow me to preface this post with "This is not a fair fight". Way before even trying Kombucha I hated it. Mainly (and I am not the only one) because of how people talk about it. People go *ape wang about this business. (*ape wang is not a catch phrase yet) People yammer on and on about its supposed health benefits such as metabolic balancer, detoxifier, and probiotics. None of which are scientifically proven. YES. Reread that last sentence. Those dreadlocked white people who are trying to sell you on this don't have a hacky sacking leg to stand on. (not just cuz they are sacking with mother moon stream and brother bear either.) People will go on about how they feel it in them and how it regulates their digestion.

Now incase you don't know what Kombucha is I will simply break it down for you. Kombucha is rotten tea. Yep, your college room mate made Kombucha several times in the kitchen and you didn't even know that dirt munchers would pay you money to drink it and help them poop. I also don't mean to burst their bubble by saying a major side effect of ingesting anything that has rotted is the bacteria will hit the evacuation button for your lower abdomen. That is why they call it food poisoning and not say "I eat raw chicken for the cleanse!" Silly silly organic fools.

Why would hippies buy this you might be wondering? They don't, they just make their own rot tea at home. Seriously and that is why they probably like it. You can create a mother spore and move a sister spore to a new jar....blah blah blah. If you haven't had the misfortune of somebody talking to you about this just look on the interweb. Sick grossness. Sure hippies won't buy it but yuppies will and that is what we have to discuss here.
Both of these were found at the local New Seasons (Natures rip). This first one smelled like feet. The bad kind of feet. Like I imagine the feet of somebody who wears wool socks because it is organic and doesn't bathe because it wastes sky fathers tears. The kind of person who thinks their nose raping, eye blinding stink is attractive and that their beard grease is good to keep their elbows moisturized. (and that is just the ladies) The taste I would say is nothing printed on that label except 'fermented'.

Remember in the last post where I discussed how a few words on a label can make the decision for you? Well, juniper, spearmint, and lemon did that for Sarah and I. Unfortunately, those flavors were masked by the taste of a well sweated on pair of hemp pants after a long Bikram Yoga session. This was sick. We both did not drink much. I had a drink and wanted it out of my mouth so bad that if somebody had said "you will never taste anything close to that again in your life, just listen to half of a coldplay song". I would have thought about it and then done what I did. Which was drink anything else liquid in the fridge and eat some sweetarts. (sweetarts, I am sorry I had to do you that way but I needed relief from oppressive rot drink.) Sarah had maybe three drinks. In all we barely cleared the neck of the bottle before releasing it back into the wild collective stream via the sink. Which reminds me I need to burn some sage in the kitchen.
I needed about a week between kombucha drinks. Not because it messed with my exits or anything. I just didn't want anymore. Alas I had to finish what I started and that meant opening a can of (i wish i was typing :can of whoop ass) *granola gravy. (*not a real term either...i don't think) This yuppie beverage was "better". You can't taste the rot as much and the pear and ginger is more on the fore front. Which is better for me but then why wouldn't I just buy a ginger pear soda? This post aside, I would if I drank soda. So between the two this is the lesser of two evils.

I want to also note that these are in stores so they are quite different than what you make in your stinky home. The beverage home brewed has "strings" in it of fermented tea. By fermented tea I mean mold. Yes, you drink mold strings and get tons of imaginary health benefits! No thanks, if I want to imagine health benefits I will do so in a Bud Light thank you. Komucha also has alcohol in it. .5 percent which is the legal amount for a non alcoholic bevvy. Also there is an off sweetness to the taste which is from that sugar-alcohol conversion situation. I am sure somebody will read this and think it is inacurate (that isn't even spelled write.....and that is the wrong kind of right!) well, I am often not accurate. Deal with it. If I wanted to be all fact spilling I would have gone to college to be an internet. (And not the kind of internet that is all porn and guys getting hit in the junk either.) Before anyone raises their unibrow and says I am being mean on hippies let me say this: In many ways the hippies win. The earth is all jacked up so living green IS cool. There is tax benefits to leaving less of a carbon footprint (even if it is in open toed shoes, you bastards). There is more tree planting and gardens now than in the seventies (I made that up completely but it seems right.) My point in talking about this is that I don't care about your decomposed drink or your cleanse. Which let me just close on that "a cleanse" is just hippie yo-yo dieting. Your liver isn't going to forgive your 115 mai-tais. There I said it. Hippies have people doing more earth huggin' and tree kissing than ever. Be happy about it. Smile those sun weathered hippie lips hiding under that 15 year old boy mustache. (still just the ladies)

The world is full of beverages. Beverages that don't need to be stinky and rotten. We have refridgeration. You can choose something else to drink. Somebody serving me this is like on t.v. where the unattractive guy eats pig anus. If that was me (I wouldn't put my face on t.v. one. and two I might ask what happened to the pig....like the whole pig minus the anus. Because I am sure somebody else will eat that part while I eat the non-anus pork chop).

I am just saying, you could also drink water. Crazy I know. I hear there is science to back that up. (the health benefits of water not me being crazy) Now if you will excuse me my friends wind-feather, patchouli-pixie, and night-soil want me to go play frisbee golf. Peace! One love! Oh and happy 420..........ugh.