.FOOrD BLOrG. You gots ta chill!!!

Well well well, sun. So we meet again. I don't quite recall our exact last encounter but I do remember the smell of Banana Boat's 50 SPF lingering in the air. Oh yes, in recent years I have learned from our encounters. Each battle has tested my metal and taught me of your cruel unforgiving ways. Every scene of struggle has lead me to new weapons and tactics for our chess like conflicts. So beware "Sun" if that is your real name. (I have always suspected it was really Larry. Come on, name one good Larry that you actually know. I thought so. Oh and the one you just thought of doesn't count because he has that thing.)

The days are over where I just hide in a cave bunker during your brief but evil reign which some call summer. I have grown adventurous because my wife is somewhat of a "Larry" baby. (That sounded weird.... you know I mean sun baby right?) In the past it has been so drastic that she would walk on the side of a walkway while I cling to the side of a building so I might avoid its evil burning rays. True story. She even bought me not one but two sun shields for my side of the car. (Secret fact: One has Alf on it. HA!) However one cannot live that way forever and I have no intention for my wife to be married to a shut it and miss out on ADVENTURES!!!! So much like Batman (He is nocturnal right?) I have aquired tools to aid me through the deathbed of sunshine's scalding embrace. At first it was just good ole sunscreen and then we added a 20 ounce iced americano to sweeten the deal. However one can always plump up their utility belt....huh. Stock up? Anyway, today we shall discuss three possible new friends to join my cause. First up, Mr. Q Cumber!
Okay, I will just address the big white pornographic elephant in the room and say for all of us what is quite obvious- this drink sounds like a 1970's skin flick. Like you would see this on a marquee in Times Square as De Niro drives his taxi. (Sure wish I could recall the name of that film...)

This drink was found in just an average grocery store. We found it in Safeway and I instantly thought it sounded delicious! What I forgot is that most people like their beverages to taste like they are about 50 percent cake. Sure enough, one of the top ingredients is corn syrup. -SIGH. I mean come on people! It is cucumber sparkling water! Isn't that enough? Nope, those fatmouths involved in the recipe thought it needed cake shoved in there. So this was not great for me. Too sweet. I love candy and I love sparkling water but not together. ( What a bunch of cake lovin' Larrys!) As always, Dave came by and finished it. (Secret fact #2: He brought me some treats from his recent trip to Seattle. Dave is a hell of a dude!)
Now this I have talked about before because it is friggin' delicious!!!!! Man oh man this brewery is awesome! One of both Dave (hell of a dude) and I's faves. In fact Dave (h.o.a.d) and Sarah recently went to the brewery and had a sampler of their beers. Yeah. Rad. And get this, one had smoked oyster shells in the process. Yeah!?! What? Who makes these beers? A bunch of neon wielding wizards who's every graceful heel click makes the gods envious? Probably. That is my guess anyway. What did the gods make but one bitter blogger and one big annoying Larry? Right?..... Yes. I am right. Also I'd like to add that if you haven't had this you can find it all over but at Pasta Works on Hawthorne you can get an individual can for about $1.50. Trust me, if you buy the whole four pack-you will drink the whole four pack. These are that bodacious. Yep. Bodacious. This little friend may join me on the battlefield at dusk anytime. Side by side we shall fight back the cruel summer! (cue: Bananarama song not the cover by Ace of Base. And don't ask why I know that.)
Lastly we shall chew the fat about....er. Talk about is Ruby Jewel ice cream 'Pineapple Basil'. Yes, I realize that the photo looks a tad on the racist side but I assure you that the full logo is Ruby Jewel. I know that they have shops around the states at least on the left side of the states but this was found at Pastaworks for around 5 dollars. Is it worth it? YEPPERS!

This stuff doesn't taste like ice cream?!? It is like a gellato or sorbet or something. Which is good since the heavy milk base of ice cream would funk up the pineapple basil flavors. Some of you fatmouths might like that but not me. The flavor is fruity up front and herby in the rear. (you are making it sound that way not me...) Perfect. Trust me when I say that you should, nay, NEED TO, get some of this!! It is not listed on their website as a flavor so I bet it is a limited batch. Either way, find it. Now. This mighty beast may ride beside me through the theatre of war as we dispatch many a foe. In any case the war shall rage on as both these opponents attempt to best each other no doubt until death but today maybe you made a few friends. A few friends to help you stay cool this summer. That is important, I know because so many people wrote it in our autograph books in elementary and middle school. "Stay cool!"

*fatmouths- is in noway a hurtful term for people of a challenged weight. It is my term for people who like the fatty mouth feel of cream, butter, butter cream, etc.... So quit picking on people bigger than you. You look like a q-tip in a Big Dog tank top.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Friends or Enemies....?!?

Let me just say upfront how much I appreciate that friends (Erin) and family (Sarah and Dave) find things for my little blog. It is so nice to be thought of by peeps while they are out in the world coming across snacks for me to (informally) write about. So very nice! Normally.... Now that we have got that out of the way lets get down to business!Oh sure, bacon water. Why not right? This was found for me by the awesome Erin. (Thanks Erin.) By this time everyone knows Voodoo Donuts bacon maple bar, bacon covered in chocolate, bacon jelly beans, etc... There are allot of bacon snacks in the world. So lets discuss why this exists: there you are eating your egg white omelet and your doctor said you can't eat bacon because of your health. Sure, bacon water. Or maybe you already have egg water and need bacon on the go. Sure, bacon water. Or maybe you worship a giant gold pig and need a substitution for holy water. Sure, bacon water. Or maybe not. Lets explain the NOT.

This cauldron of pure evil smelled like a wet ashtray took a poop in an old cowboy boot. Seriously. Everything about this was telling me 'DON'T DO IT." Alas I never look a gift horse in the mouth.... even if it smells like it is experiencing gastrointestinal issues and its mane is smoldering. So I picked up the glass and my brain said "Just don't and say you did!?!" I put the glass to my lips and the evil filled my mouth. It was at that moment that my throat closed as if to say "this is not meant for consumption". Then my eyes welled full of tears and my mouth kicked in with the mouth watering pre-vomit rinse. I was in trouble. Sarah said my face looked like I was going to puke. Which was correct. One hundred percent correct. I was seconds from regurgitating a truly delicious dinner in the name of Bacon tabs. Luckily for me I was 2 steps from the sink and spit it out along with several mouthfuls of panic saliva. I then rinsed my mouth out with buckets of water and attempted to regain my composure.

I almost tried this by myself and I am glad I didn't. Having a witness to this terrible experience made it extra special. I have learned through these posts that it is always better to share. Sadly after my experience Sarah was less than eager to try it. To be honest I wouldn't care to have somebody who is my super buddy feel what I felt. I know this product is marketed as a novelty. I would strongly argue that there is no novelty in this experience.

Usually the snack gift reviews I would liken to a funny harmless youtube video. This was more like the videos where one friend asks another to kick him in his naughty bits. Sure he is suffering but he asked his friend to do it and now everyone can laugh with them in their pain. Only instead of my bits, it was my mouth and instead of Erin's foot it was Bacon tabs. Don't think for a second though that I harbor any ill will. Heck, I didn't even demand retribution. (And I always do) That is a test of true friendship. I really can't talk about this anymore as I am getting quezzzzzy. I will leave you with a still of the brewing evil adversary I had to face.