.FOOrD BLOrG. Grape Expectations.

Ah, expectations. We all have them. It is like when Ernest was in those commercials in the 80s and then somebody decided to make a full length Ernest movie. We all expected it would be SO good. You didn't? Well, my friend Aaron and I did. We went the first week, if not opening day. We loved it. However, we also each had a tiny squirt gun and spent most of the movie scampering about the theater while the only other person (a full grown man of weight) chortled from the darkness. I bet you didn't expect that I would be telling you about Ernest Goes To Camp in a snack blog. Yet here we are. 

Our favorite part of that cinematic tour DE force was when the turtles parachute and one says "I am scared Sarge!" and another turtle replies "We are all scared son!" That scene is about as long as a commercial. Aaron and I filled the downtime of the movie by amusing ourselves. Somehow all of these elements of the environment, the weird guy who didn't have any kids but was at a kids movie (red flag),  and the film itself, all became one thing. One thing that we thought was great. We got what we expected, for brief moments, like the commercials that the movie was based on. Our expectations were satiated. It was a great time to be a kid. Know what I mean?

Today we are talking about one flavor. Yes, for the first time in this odd little blogs history, we aren't talking about a type of snack but a single flavor. Grape. Now these snacks were not pretested or compiled. They were merely part of the treasure chest of acquired snacks and S said "These are all grape flavored. Why not do a grape post?" Brilliant. 

Today's 1-5 scale is brought to you by childhood expectations of the future.

Alright. So this snack is not a rare one. Hi-Chew is easy to find these days. Even some 7-11's carry  Hi-Chew flavors. However, it is a good place to start when talking about grape flavored candy. I have yet to have a Hi-Chew that I didn't like. Do you remember Bonkers? They had a commercial where a lady would eat a candy and a giant fruit would crash through the ceiling and land on her. No? Well they looked just like Hi-Chew. One color on the outside and another on the inside. I am not sure what purpose this serves. I suppose it is purely aesthetic. Like tribal tattoos on dudes or tramp stamps on....women of the night. (I always thought that the best tramp stamp would be a belly button. People would be so confused.)

Upon opening the outer wrapper you can really smell a pungent aroma of grape. Do you remember grape Hubba Bubba? It is like that. If you don't remember Hubba Bubba then try remembering grape Bubble Tape. No? Do you recall commercials telling you the dangers of inhalants because that stuff can severely mess up your brain and memory. (hint hint)

S- This is really grape. I like the two colors. This is fun. I don't care for the waxy white paper though. I give it a 4 out of 5.

d- Yep. I like Hi-Chew. They always have good flavor. This has a nice chew not unlike a taffy. It's great. I give it a 4.5- flying cars. People always expect that the future will bring flying cars. Sorry people but flying cars aren't going to ever....fly. Why? Think about it. What killed the electric car? Gas companies. (I am pretty sure. I never saw the documentary. I think we already know what types of movies I have been watching and they are not in the same wheelhouse as environmental documentaries. Unless there is one called Earnest Saves The Electric Car.) So with the flying car you have to think about those huge tire companies. Flying cars don't use tires. Everyone knows that they hover and then fly around. Tire companies control more than what you know, man. What is the number one cereal? Cheerios. What are Cheerios shaped like? Tires. What is the most common shape for a child to learn first? Circle. What is a circle? A tire.  Most clocks are round. What else is round? Tires. Most clocks are tires. You get it. (After I post this blog, should I go missing....tires.)

When creating a brand it is important to clearly communicate what your product is to the consumers. So here we have Grape Candy which is a grape....candy. Huh. Well done. We can also see that it is "A fresh and tasty grape." Not to be confused with a similar product that was aiming for "an old and nasty grape." Those are just raisins. (Raisins are not that grape. See what I did there?) What you can't quite make out from the photo is that it says "Grape in love. Have a sweet flavor."

Now either something is lost in translation here or this is the best way to start and end every conversation.

There is also an odd drawing on the bottom of the bag that says "Save the Children." Next to that there is an illustration of one kid doing a handstand and another drinking.  I am not sure how much sweet flavor these children are having but they are clearly too grape in love and need to be saved. I can't read any of the details so all I know is that there are children somewhere and they need assistance. Lets look on the back of the bag.

Well this isn't any help. Unless the bag is telling me that these expired a year ago. Is that what it says in the far right corner? No, my right. Yeah, there. I don't know either. Lets just open it up.

Well the candy just looks like a hard candy. There are like 40 candies in here which isn't usually the best sign. Lets see how it tastes.

S- Hmmm. Well, I wouldn't say this is anything special. There is a mild grape flavor. Not really anything to talk about here. I guess it gets a 3 out of 5. It is what it says, just a "grape candy."

d- This is just an average grape candy. Usually I love anything grape but this is less interesting than a Jolly Rancher. There needs to be some acidity or something and the longer I eat it the more chemical the taste becomes. I don't really care for this. I mean it isn't the worst. (Bacon Tabs were the worst. Go read that post. Trust me.) I give this snack a 2- Mohawks and shoulder pads. One of my favorite film genres (I like to call ) Future-past movies. These films (made in the late 1960s-80s) usually take place after a nuclear situation has ruined civilization and they are set in the future. Like the year 1999!!! There is always a dude (or twenty) with intricate hair like a Mohawk that is one side neon pink and the other jet black, and no shirt. In place of a shirt, football shoulder pads. You know, because if you are going to ride through the dessert (oh, the whole world is a dessert by the way) on a motorcycle made mostly of chainsaws with a ridiculous weapon like a wrist crossbow (Why would you need a good weapon? Did you forget about your chainsaw motorcycle?) you only need to protect your shoulders. I mean you wouldn't want to mess up your mohawk. (Notice only one mode of transportation exists in this future. Tires.)-out of 5.

Alright, so next we have E-ma. This is our third grape snack and it also hails from Japan. I will get to what this is all about but first look at that guy. What is his deal? You know what is weird is that his head looks like how I remember that guy in the audience when Aaron and I saw Ernest Goes To Camp. That is good news, he got healthy and learned a second language. I didn't expect that to happen.

So this snack is made of layers of real fruit juice and it has a layer of xylitol gum and the center is vitamin C. Whoa.

Ok. The smell here is super grapey.

S-Wow. It is making me salivate! Was I supposed to chew it? This is really interesting.

d- After a second it has a great acidic sour grape flavor. Then moments later that fades and then a different almost deeper flavor happens. I chewed it. I am confused.

S-(second tasting) I get a lot of grape flavor and then my mouth tingles. Then I get sour notes. There are waves of different experiences. The Japanese really know what they are doing. I love this. 5 out of 5.

d-(second tasting) I agree.

I give this snack a 5-Pills. The futuristic expectation that we won't need to eat anything anymore. That all of our nutrients will come in the form of a pill. Remember The Jetsons? They ate pills all the time. Sadly this isn't true still. Why you ask? Where does food come from? A farm. What is on a farm? A tractor. What is on a tractor? Tires. Yeah. This runs deep. Tires, bro. Tires.-out of 5.

Next up is Candemina! This snack also comes from Japan which begs the question:

What is this guy doing here? I mean I can see that he is vigorously playing the maracas but why? This gummy isn't trying to be a traditional Hispanic candy. (If you read this blog then you know how I feel about most of those. El sad face.) The name certainly doesn't translate into "maraca man." Maybe the candy looks like maracas.

Nope. It sure looks delicious though. (At this point you may have noticed that the photos lately look so much better. Well, S has taken over in the picture dept. and now everything looks rad. Thanks S.) Again the aroma when opening the bag (which is resealable) it says "Hey, maybe savor this. Don't be such a pig. I mean you can but now you have the option.") is really pungently grape.

S- This smells awesome. It has a lot of texture as you chew it. This candy also has a very fun shape. This might be the best grape flavor yet. 5 out of 5 even though the Spanish looking Asian man is quite confusing.

d-I had to chew it 8 times before my teeth pierced it. This has awesome flavor and a great chew. One of the top gummy candies I have ever eaten. (Not quite as high as the Pure gummy candies but close.) I give this snack a 5- Hairstyle. As a kid I always assumed that as an adult I would have the coolest hair though as of late it has become quite boring. Looking over pics of me in the last 15 years one might assume that I was either heavily into anime or a lady heavily into ladies. I am neither but that is the tricky thing about expectations. You should never build expectations off how something looks or you could be mislead by a faux hawk or a possibly Asian and or Hispanic maraca playing man.-out of 5.

This is not a sex toy.

Please look at that diagram and let me say again, this is not a sex toy.

Our last snack is the Pucho variety gummy snack. This comes in a three pack. (So you will see this in the future in a different flavor. Unless I just eat them because it is delicious.) This flavor is grape and yogurt. I am pretty sure. Not 100 percent sure, but pretty sure. Now I have no idea why this candy is shaped in this rigged tube or what that diagram is supposed to mean. I thought maybe it was saying you could invert the lid and it would pop up. You know, like those toy discs? However, it has been 4 minutes and it is just sitting there upside down. I feel bad because look at that cute little face. I just messed that dude up. (I am pretty tough.)

When I opened the tube I can smell grape-like aromas but there is also something else. Possibly the yogurt flavor.

S-Um. I don't know. This is difficult to say. I guess that the purple one might be grape. It kinda tastes like grape. I think the clear one tastes like vitamin C. I am not impressed and it isn't grape enough. I give it a 2-out of 5. In part due to the fact that you called it a butt plug.

d- I did say that. The purple is chewy and about as grape as a generic fruit snack. The clear one is not yogurt unless you tell somebody that they are eating a yogurt flavored candy while they eat it. Even then it isn't very convincing. I give it a 2- Careers. As a child I expected that by the time I reached my 30's, that despite having no musical talent or a singing voice, I would be a famous musician. Which would mean that people I don't know would look at me. That is a total nightmare and the opposite of what would make me happy. Instead I am eating candy and making jokes on the Internet in hopes it makes you smile. At least a little bit.-out of 5.

So far the future might not be what you expected but it is pretty grape in love.

Have a sweet flavor.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Gum, a novel idea.

Novelty. 

Novelty is a weird word. You can use it to describe the "newness" of something. "We will see how much the baby enjoys that real ninja star once the novelty has worn off." (*Did I mention I am about to become a parent? No worries. I got this.) You can also use novelty to describe a trinket. "It was so small that I accidentally swallowed the novelty teapot. Before I swallowed it, it was quite hilarious. Since then I have grown rather worrisome." (Typical scenarios.) This is strange to me. Perhaps it is the way in which I feel novelty is used to weigh entertainment. It is like you could also say "Eventually the baby won't be entertained by my penny collection." Or "I am no longer entertained by this thumbnail-sized panini press. I long for an actual panini press. These sandwiches are far too fluffy to eat unpressed." (More boring typical scenarios.) I think my problem with the word novelty is that I weigh entertainment and enjoyment far beyond most other things in life. I mean, I am aging pretty gracefully with the exception of smile lines. I just love laughter and being able to share that with the people I care about. That is how my brain has always worked. Case in point: Me, an elementary school boy. I overhear a ditty that another student has made up about 2 other children who may fancy each other. It goes "Whistle while you work. Betsy is a jerk. Shane Metheney broke his weenie. Now it doesn't work." I will never forget it. The novelty of that novelty song has never worn off. However, I spent weeks in high school studying the table of elements and all I could tell you is that if you want to make Poison, you need to combine the elements "Bel," "Biv," & "Divoe." Now you know.

So today we are looking at gum. Gum is something that you should want to linger. You want to enjoy it as long as possible. Otherwise you'd just eat candy, right? Also today's 1-5 scale is brought to you by personal moments of novelty. However, to prove that my blog is not a novelty, I plan on being completely serious for the rest of this post.

Alright, so first off we have a very serious gum. This is Camel Balls. In case you aren't quite sure what they are alluding to, Chicle has given you an artistic rendering of rotund camel testicles. Technically speaking though, that is an illustration of a camel scrotum. I can't help but imagine that there was a test group who after a long deliberation decided that children would rather have camel balls in their mouth and that a child asking their parents for a camel scrotum would be in poor taste. (That probably happened.)

We found this gum in a village in the south of France. We were at a farmers market and there was a small candy kiosk. There amongst the various confections like hand pulled taffy, various licorices, and pastilles were Camel Balls. They only had the one flavor. So I am assuming that Camel Balls only come "Extra Sour." The outer wrapper was not cooperating in the photo but you can sort of see that on the left it says "liquid filled." Now in case you have never known how a camel ball should be. It should be extra sour and liquid filled. Lets move on past its gorgeous exterior and see the actual delicacy.

Oh bother. It would appear some misfortune has befallen my camel ball which has caused it to rupture. It would also appear that I have only one ball. I have one camel ball. One must inquire as to why this is called "Camel Balls" but inside there is a lone ball. They should either change the name of this fine dessert or put a second ball in there. I mean, it is a no brainer. Lets be honest about how many balls we are giving people.

The ball smells somewhere between Pixie Stix and a Tart N Tiny (before they candy coated them.) The  ball (since it had leaked) has a texture that is somehow both slimy and gritty (slitty?) Eventually the gum has an elastic and soft chew. The type of chew that you might have encountered with a very cheap  and sugary gum. The flavor is equal parts blue raspberry and fruit punch. I find myself somewhat forlorn that I didn't get the full experience of the camel ball bursting in my mouth. However, it is my duty to carry on and not hold that against the gum. The flavor dissipates rather quickly and the once slitty gum starts to seize once you have swallowed the load of flavor that the ball once contained. In under a minute I found the experience had lost its luster. I give this snack a 2- Long ago my friend Aaron and I would DJ around town under the name DJ Sharon Needles. One of the things we would do to alleviate the pretentiousness of the dance scene was at one point in the evening we would give out glow sticks and fake mustaches. Suddenly people were transformed from a party where people might think twice about dancing to a care-free fun time.-out of 5.

Our second gum today was found at Tenzing Momo. Tenzing Momo is a herbs, vitamins, incense, etc... kind of shop located in Pikes Place Market in Seattle. I always knew of it as "The Witch Store."  It feels a bit like a witch's store. The overall layout is kinda chaotic and the people who work there run the gambit from elder librarian of occult books to a crusty punk wiccan. Even when I lived in Seattle I always enjoyed a pop into Tenzing Momo if not to purchase something, to listen to a customer rant on to the employee who simply wants them to take their bag of crazy and move on.  "Yes. Here is your wolves blood tea and your chants to bring about the moon child which shall in turn enslave all of man. Thank you for shopping at Tenzing Momo."

What we have here, in a nondescript drug bag, is gum. Now this was an impulse buy. It was at the register and I wanted it for this post. What kind is it? What is it made of? What flavor is it supposed to be? Who made this? These are all questions that are usually applied to things that are found in these tiny bags. The truth is: I don't know.

S- It smells like beeswax. Hmm. It is minty at first. I get a touch of honey. I like that it isn't sticking to my teeth. I think that this is a pretty good gum. The flavor lasts a good amount of time and I enjoy the light minty flavor. I give it a 4 out of 5.

d-There isn't crunch at first. Like most gums this shape that usually have that crisp outer layer. This breaks down a bit more like wax. A good wax. Like this is more natural in its essence. This reminds me of a chiclet. I actually enjoy the mint flavor. It has a good chew. Not too hard. I give it a 4-Mix tapes or Cd's. I love making mixes. I enjoy making them for specific people. I like to find out what types of music they listen to and find elements of that in other bands or styles that might not be familiar with. Is a mix a novelty? Perhaps but the feeling of receiving something that someone has put so much thought into is nothing to laugh at. -out of 5.

Our third gum comes to us from Accouterments. They also made the popcorn and cola gumballs from another post. (S's mother found this for me. I am thankful for kindness like this.) Here we have not one but 3 different flavors of gum to try.  Cranberry, pumpkin pie, and turkey. I know what you are thinking "Finally a meat gumball!" I bet the Camel Balls people are rolling in their graves (they have passed in this scenario) wishing they had just made camel flavor gum. (mmmmm) I mean, don't over think it right?

So we open the tin and we can see the 3 different colors. Red is clearly the cranberry, orange is the pumpkin pie, and yellow must be turkey.

Cranberry

S- This tastes like a cheap gumball. I don't taste cranberry. eh. Not impressed.

d- I agree. The shell on the outside kinda breaks off and it just tastes like a gumball you'd get out of a machine for a nickle. The kind who's flavor you'd describe as "red." Like it isn't even a discernible fruit.

Pumpkin Pie

S- Alright. This tastes like a cheap Big Red. Not too bad. Mostly an artificial cinnamon flavor.

d- I get a cheap cinnamon. The flavors of these aren't great or lasting very long.

Turkey

S-This tastes like gravy. This really tastes like a gravy gumball. It is pretty close to mayo gum. Is there mayonnaise gum? If not, someone should make it. People would love that. I give these a 3 because they nailed the gravy flavor and it is gross-out of 5.

d- This is definitely more gravy than turkey. A very gravy gumball indeed. Well it finally sort of delivers what it is saying it would.

Overall, I get that this has to be meant as a novelty. There can't be an honest market for meat gum. Right? I mean the cranberry and pie flavors aren't even close. It is almost like they weren't even trying because the crazy turkey gumball is what people are going to buy this for. Even the ratio seems poorly conceived. 4 cranberry to 9 turkey? Well, I suppose turkey is the main course. I give this snack a 2-Makeover Party. This is something we have done. First you compile a box of costumes and novelty items (novelty like silly glasses etc... not novelty like penis pasta.) Next you invite your friends over and pair people off in 2s. Each person in the pair will choose the outfit for the other person for the duration of the party. This is a great time for photos.-out of 5.

Our last gum comes to us from Japan. This is Watering Kissmint Flavor Change. A subtle yet beautiful name for a gum. Who doesn't want to think of mouths watering while they kiss. Just saliva streams a flowing. Watering those kisses. It is just poetry, people. We can also see from the name that this gum changes flavors. Magical! So really what we have here is a gum that is designed to change from pineapple to mint and it has a chemical to make your mouth water. Seriously. I am being serious. Look!

You can clearly see that there are lines on the gum stick that... You know, do the changing and watering in your mouth. We have finally reached that point in food. Feel free to ask your next server at a restaurant "Excuse me, I'd like the tuna niciose but do you know if it has something to make the watering happen in my mouth?" I can guarentee that either it will or the server might even share their own mouth waterings with your tuna for asking! We really are alive at a magical time.

Yep. See. Right there. Those lines are going to do things in your mouth. Magical things.

S- I wouldn't say it is a flavor change as much as flavorful. This is kind of a visceral experience. I also would say that this is more menthol than mint. I get citrus more than any other fruit. There is also a cough drop quality here. I give this gum a 5-out of 5. It is a fun experience and rather inventive.

d- I like this. The flavor lasts longer than any of the other gums that we have tried today. The texture is nice and not slitty at all. I don't get pineapple as much as a citrus. I really like the menthol. Mint can often be too one note but the citrus and menthol play well together. This is like if Fruit Stripe gum and Vicks got together. I remember as a kid that there was Aspergum. It was a delicious blend of aspirin and gum for children. (What could go wrong?) I give this snack a 4.5- One time at a party I found some string and I put it on my top lip, like a mustache. I was quite enjoying myself until someone said "What are you like 5?" At the time I replied "Mostly." but I thought about it after. The conclusion I came to is that to some adults the novelty of youth has worn off. To me it never will. It is magical. It is transformational. It is so unpretentious and fun. Adults are often trying to seem smarter and more important than they are. (Adults can suck Camel Balls.) Me? I am the kid with the greying hair and the paper mustache who is sitting in the corner drawing a hot dog dance party.

Chew on that.

(*Also I'd like to thank S for helping me by taking photos. This blog looks a lot better because of her efforts.)