.FOOrD BLOrG. kom-BOO!-cha

Allow me to preface this post with "This is not a fair fight". Way before even trying Kombucha I hated it. Mainly (and I am not the only one) because of how people talk about it. People go *ape wang about this business. (*ape wang is not a catch phrase yet) People yammer on and on about its supposed health benefits such as metabolic balancer, detoxifier, and probiotics. None of which are scientifically proven. YES. Reread that last sentence. Those dreadlocked white people who are trying to sell you on this don't have a hacky sacking leg to stand on. (not just cuz they are sacking with mother moon stream and brother bear either.) People will go on about how they feel it in them and how it regulates their digestion.

Now incase you don't know what Kombucha is I will simply break it down for you. Kombucha is rotten tea. Yep, your college room mate made Kombucha several times in the kitchen and you didn't even know that dirt munchers would pay you money to drink it and help them poop. I also don't mean to burst their bubble by saying a major side effect of ingesting anything that has rotted is the bacteria will hit the evacuation button for your lower abdomen. That is why they call it food poisoning and not say "I eat raw chicken for the cleanse!" Silly silly organic fools.

Why would hippies buy this you might be wondering? They don't, they just make their own rot tea at home. Seriously and that is why they probably like it. You can create a mother spore and move a sister spore to a new jar....blah blah blah. If you haven't had the misfortune of somebody talking to you about this just look on the interweb. Sick grossness. Sure hippies won't buy it but yuppies will and that is what we have to discuss here.
Both of these were found at the local New Seasons (Natures rip). This first one smelled like feet. The bad kind of feet. Like I imagine the feet of somebody who wears wool socks because it is organic and doesn't bathe because it wastes sky fathers tears. The kind of person who thinks their nose raping, eye blinding stink is attractive and that their beard grease is good to keep their elbows moisturized. (and that is just the ladies) The taste I would say is nothing printed on that label except 'fermented'.

Remember in the last post where I discussed how a few words on a label can make the decision for you? Well, juniper, spearmint, and lemon did that for Sarah and I. Unfortunately, those flavors were masked by the taste of a well sweated on pair of hemp pants after a long Bikram Yoga session. This was sick. We both did not drink much. I had a drink and wanted it out of my mouth so bad that if somebody had said "you will never taste anything close to that again in your life, just listen to half of a coldplay song". I would have thought about it and then done what I did. Which was drink anything else liquid in the fridge and eat some sweetarts. (sweetarts, I am sorry I had to do you that way but I needed relief from oppressive rot drink.) Sarah had maybe three drinks. In all we barely cleared the neck of the bottle before releasing it back into the wild collective stream via the sink. Which reminds me I need to burn some sage in the kitchen.
I needed about a week between kombucha drinks. Not because it messed with my exits or anything. I just didn't want anymore. Alas I had to finish what I started and that meant opening a can of (i wish i was typing :can of whoop ass) *granola gravy. (*not a real term either...i don't think) This yuppie beverage was "better". You can't taste the rot as much and the pear and ginger is more on the fore front. Which is better for me but then why wouldn't I just buy a ginger pear soda? This post aside, I would if I drank soda. So between the two this is the lesser of two evils.

I want to also note that these are in stores so they are quite different than what you make in your stinky home. The beverage home brewed has "strings" in it of fermented tea. By fermented tea I mean mold. Yes, you drink mold strings and get tons of imaginary health benefits! No thanks, if I want to imagine health benefits I will do so in a Bud Light thank you. Komucha also has alcohol in it. .5 percent which is the legal amount for a non alcoholic bevvy. Also there is an off sweetness to the taste which is from that sugar-alcohol conversion situation. I am sure somebody will read this and think it is inacurate (that isn't even spelled write.....and that is the wrong kind of right!) well, I am often not accurate. Deal with it. If I wanted to be all fact spilling I would have gone to college to be an internet. (And not the kind of internet that is all porn and guys getting hit in the junk either.) Before anyone raises their unibrow and says I am being mean on hippies let me say this: In many ways the hippies win. The earth is all jacked up so living green IS cool. There is tax benefits to leaving less of a carbon footprint (even if it is in open toed shoes, you bastards). There is more tree planting and gardens now than in the seventies (I made that up completely but it seems right.) My point in talking about this is that I don't care about your decomposed drink or your cleanse. Which let me just close on that "a cleanse" is just hippie yo-yo dieting. Your liver isn't going to forgive your 115 mai-tais. There I said it. Hippies have people doing more earth huggin' and tree kissing than ever. Be happy about it. Smile those sun weathered hippie lips hiding under that 15 year old boy mustache. (still just the ladies)

The world is full of beverages. Beverages that don't need to be stinky and rotten. We have refridgeration. You can choose something else to drink. Somebody serving me this is like on t.v. where the unattractive guy eats pig anus. If that was me (I wouldn't put my face on t.v. one. and two I might ask what happened to the pig....like the whole pig minus the anus. Because I am sure somebody else will eat that part while I eat the non-anus pork chop).

I am just saying, you could also drink water. Crazy I know. I hear there is science to back that up. (the health benefits of water not me being crazy) Now if you will excuse me my friends wind-feather, patchouli-pixie, and night-soil want me to go play frisbee golf. Peace! One love! Oh and happy 420..........ugh.