.FOOrD BLOrG. Got(h) Milk?

Ok, once again I am apologizing for my extended absence. It was my intention to post every week in the last month but with the art show on the 15th I was really busy and then since then I was waiting on a special piece of equipment for my most expensive blog ever. Yes, I need a special machine for that post and I thought I'd have it by now. I don't so this isn't that most expensive post. Don't fret however, it is on its way. So are we okay? There has been some distance between us but lets move forward. Deal?

So today we are going to look at some products that involve milk. First things first, I think milk is creepy. I don't like to drink it. I don't like to cook with it. I don't put it on cereal. I mean if somebody said to you "Good Morning, would you like a glass of fluid that has been squeezed from another species nipples?" I would hope you'd say no. I think everyone HAS to drink milk as a kid. Parents or grandparents make you. As an adult you can choose and I say no. Yes, I like cheese but that is different. It has mold as well....Hey, quit trying to ruin cheese for me. Let's just keep this moving. Today our 1-5 will be in honor of the things parents make kids do.

Well, what a cool tin! Scho-ka-kola? That sounds fun! Like when an adult talks to a kid like they are completely stupid. "Wood yew lyke sum scho-ka-kola????" I found this when Sarah and I went to Edelweiss here in PDX. They have baked goods, meats, candies etc... Anything you need to feed your Scandanavian mouth. I picked this up and saw that it was nearly 8 dollars and set it down. Later after walking the entire store twice I picked it up again. There was a mystery here that I couldn't leave alone. I asked the lady who was stocking the shelves and she said it was chocolate and caffeine. That was enough for me and I bought it.
As you can see in the picture, the chocolates are in little pie pieces. Well, Dave and Nate came by on Sun. and that seemed like a good time to ambush my pals with some snacks. (snack attack, I know but it seemed too obvious.) So we cracked the tin and dug in.

Oh man. This has to be one of the worst nearly 8 dollars I have spent. Honestly it is weird. At first it tastes almost like chocolate and then right about when you think it is going to be a nice full chocolate flavor it turns into a mouthful of soil. Yep. soil. Nate at first said it was "earthy" but he was being kind. It was straight up a mouthful of dirt. The whole experience was like a rollercoaster of disappointment built on my tastebuds. Even better it lingered for like five minutes. That was when I realized we needed a pallete cleanser. I give this snack a 1-wear clothes you hate for picture day-out of 5.
Ok, before you say anything. I know that is a terrible picture. There are clearer pictures of sasquatch. I am sorry. I don't know what happened. I don't know what to tell you, I will try harder? I will. Sarah and I found this when Dave and Mark went with us to the pumpkin patch. It is a New Zealand company that makes licorice treats of various types. This one is strawberry licorice with a center of white chocolate. You know I don't really care for chocolate but I really don't care for white chocolate. It is creepy. I realize that is the goth calling the chocolate white.... That is a saying right? Or was it something about pot. Nevermind, it isn't important.
See, that picture almost makes it look edible... Anyway, back to sunday. So we had just ingested expensive dirt chocolate and so I tore this open and cut a few pieces off. I figured "How bad could it be?" Now lets just pause for a second and look at what this is. It is licorice that is flavored. Basically a cavity bomb. Then it is stuffed with white chocolate which is also a cavity bomb. I wasn't thinking. (Yes, I have to admit that all the time.) So we all popped them into our mouths and ugh. It really was like a massive sugar explosion. Nate said "he could feel the cavities..." I think he could. Either that or it was the Scho-ka-kola talking. Dave wasn't a big fan but he does follow the L.N.T.B. or Leave No Treats Behind act. So he ate the last piece. I have no recollection of how it tasted. It was a wall of sugar in my mouth. Not good. So Dave and I had a shot of espresso. Seemed like the thing to do. I give this snack a 1-if you don't eat it for dinner you can eat it for breakfast-out of 5.
Lastly we have this. Just look at the packaging. Even though I don't like milk I had to try this. I couldn't pass it up. Plus, I think strawberry milk is even creepier than regular milk. I don't know why. I thought it was rad when I was a kid. Mostly likely because it was different but I also thought the amount of paste, Joey (in elementary school) could eat was impressive. Now in hindsight, not so impressive. Mediocre at best there Joey. Don't quit your day job. (He didn't have a day job, he was 9. Also how am I talking to him in the past? Since when did I get a worm hole? Ewe. I just realized how gross that sounds. It also sounds like a FU from a guy in Jersey. "Hey pal, stuff it in your wormhole!")

So lets take a look at this marvel of technology.
(Ok sasquatch took that picture. It isn't his fault that it is hard to use an iphone with his big stinky sasquatch hands.) So it seems easy enough, just put the straw in the milk and sip. I can do that. With instructions that short I didn't even space off and miss part of the instruction. (Take note of that, rest of my life.)...(hold on I see something shiny)
Wait a second, somebody just melted this straw. I paid 2 dollars and something for 6 melted straws with crumby strawberry things in them? Yep. But how did it taste??? Well, I tried it with soy milk. When we were at an Oriental grocery on 82nd they gave us a free little carton of soy milk. I saved it since I then didn't have to buy milk. So first I had to try soy milk. Then I had to try soy milk with a strawberry straw.

Soy milk- ugh. No thank you. I'd like to stop the experiment please.

Soy milk with strawberry straw- This isn't any better. Also some a-hole melted this straw and put crap in it.

It didn't really taste like strawberry. This was no magic straw. So I thought well it most likely only works with 100% moo juice. I didn't have any. So I thought, maybe the soy milk is getting in the way with all of it's awesome soy milk flavor. (I didn't think that at all.) So I grabbed my glass of sparkling water and another straw. (At this point I was thinking that this was not my best idea.) Then I took a huge swig. . . . . . . .

Actually not that bad. It really did taste like strawberry. I mean, fake strawberry. Kinda like a poorman's italian soda. I guess not so poor if he had to buy a sodastream and expensive melted straws but whatever. (I think I will try gin next.) I give this item a 2-do your chores so you can get an idea of how much having a job is going to suck when you get older-out of 5.

(Note: I am not saying that my parents did or didn't do any of these things. I said "parents" in general.)