.FOOrD BLOOrG.

Well, either to your delight or dismay the holiday season is upon us. For me, it is to much delight. I like to spend my time doing nice things for people I care about. It makes me feel good to do whatever that is. It could be something as simple as making a mix for someone or drawing something that I hope they get a smile or a chortle out of. (Yea, I look forward to chortles.) So a season pretty much about showing someone that you thought about them is pretty dope to me. Sure people say it is about different faiths, Coca-Cola, consumerism, greed or any other thing. To me it is simply an ok to do something nice without people getting weird about it. So if you believe it is a time for those other things than we shall just agree to disagree. (Fine by me because I have been drawing pictures of you with ginormous shoulders. I give them to my friends and they chortle about your freakish shoulders.) Well, enough jibber jabber lets us feast upon snacks!!!

Todays rating scale is brought to you by: not the best ways to say you care.

Ok so Sarah and I found this at Fubon. I am not familiar with mangosteen. It looks like something from a b-movie that would open and a ghoulie or paper mache alien would crawl out. It was like 1.99 or so for a bag (like 30 pieces) so I thought why not give it a try.

The candy is small and rectangular. Pretty darn cute if you ask me.  I opened it up and it looks like a taffy. I thought this was more of a hard candy deal but whatever. For a second I was thinking this was in the Durian family so I expected a fart smell. Luckily no fart smell. Instead it smelled like muscat or really perfumed grapes. The texture was quite hard at first and then it kinda became taffy like. By kinda, I mean it affixed itself to my teeth and was not going to go quietly into my gullet. This wasn't bad though since the flavor was much like the smell. Fruity and sweet. (not unlike myself) Quite fine with the exception of the possible dental damage. This could have been far worse had it gone down the fart road. (Dear lord, I do not pray often but if you could please make sure I never go down the fart road. Thanks.)

I give this treat a 4-you bought me a book about how to give good foot massages-out of 5.

Um. Ok so what is this? Lets check the back.

What the???

Huh. I honestly haven't had any Turkish candy to my knowledge. I looked up the word "peber" and it means pepper. So that sounds pretty good. I see the back of the bag has a heating scale so this could really be fun. Like a spicy cough drop. Do those exist? They should. Lets toss one in the ole hatch. (hmm)

Oh dear god no. Ick. ARGH......the humanity. It......is........black......licorice. BAHHHHHHH!!!! ugh.

(5 minutes and a cup of coffee later)

That went well.

So upon further inspection this product is black licorice flavored and has pepper in the center along with ammonium chloride. The latter ingredient is what makes black licorice taste salty and astringent. Ok, so here is the breakdown of my experience.

I put it into my mouth and it tasted buttery kind of. Then it began waves of black licorice flavor. I don't like black licorice. I REALLY don't like black licorice. So this product might be great for you but for me it couldn't be much worse unless it was served in a vinegar soaked used sock. As for the center, I didn't get there. Remember when that owl on the tootsie pop commercial was all like "how many licks..1,2,3" and then he bit it? My experience here was like that only it involved gagging and spitting into the trash instead of a tootsie center. (I was dressed like an owl that had somehow gotten a questionable college education somewhere. I mean, seriously it is  hard for people to get into programs and become professors and somehow this owl did? And yet he is stumped by a candy?..He is like "I can't wrap my educated owl brain around what is happening on this stick. Good thing I will have a chance to inspect it again when I vomit it back up since I have no anus..um,.what were we talking about?)

The thing about this snack and others like it (chili rokkas) is that while it isn't for me, I know that there are people who love it. Half the time I share my snacks after these posts my friends or coworkers love whatever it is I didn't like. But here, In the Mouth of Snackness, I rate these eaties. I give this snack a .5- Oh, a book of daily inspirational quotes. Thank you, I know right where I want to shove this...I mean "put" it.-out of 5.

Ok, WTF. (This is about the shoulders comment isn't it?) Creamy corn candy? Ugh. OK. I can't blame anyone else. I saw this when we got the mangosteen candy and the sheer grossness required me to buy it. Let me just say that I had a bad feeling buying it and a worse feeling putting it up to my mouth.

Oh man. It smelled like I remember that corn that people buy to go fishing. Have you smelled that? It is rank. Like hobo halitosis rank. Like if corn ate corn while drinking milk and then vomited corn into your hair dryer and then you dryed your hair with the corn puke dryer while you snorted a packet of splenda. (you know, like that.) I put this into my mouth and oh no. Bad. The first thing you taste is a sweetness quickly and I cannot stress that enough, followed by the creamy corn flavor. I could not get this out of my mouth fast enough. This is so disgusting it seems like a practical joke. Played on my mouth by someone who is about to be drawn with gargantuan shoulders. The thing is, I do this to myself. Poor weird me. At least I was smart enough to not bite the taffy for if it had adhered to my teeth I would have up chucked for sure. (You know, blow chunks, bark at ants, bring it up for a vote, urp, spill stomach soup, vorbal the chibbits....Ok I don't think that last one was real.)

I give this snack a 0-Oh you bought me a bike pump. Why does it say Penis on it?-out of 5.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this post and the holiday season. If you are one of those people who likes to humbug and go against the grain just to be miserable. I am sorry. I hope someday you choose to just be open to the kindness of people. Sometimes people need a designated time to think of others and it is ok to be thought about. At least look at it this way, being mad often and being a curmudgeon is hard on your heart and stressful. Let's face it, we all don't live forever. Try to enjoy your time here because when you are dead you are dead and all that is left is a coffin. A weird shaped coffin in order to fit your HUGE expansive ungodly shoulders.


And good will to everyone.