.FOOrD BLOrG. Ordinary Coffee Blog Post.

"Harry, I am going to let you in on a little secret. Everyday, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it. Don't wait for it. Just let it happen. It could be a new shirt at the men's store, a cat nap in your office chair or two cups of hot black coffee. Like this."- Dale Cooper

Truer words have rarely been spoken. Not only am I a huge fan of treating ones self but I am an immense fan of coffee. In fact, our home has not one but many ways of creating coffee. Ranging from the espresso machine, cold extract, or the french press. To the old fashioned coffee pot or percolator. While I may like to make coffee in many ways I take it only one way.

"I like my coffee black just like my metal."-J. Urine

This is my most expensive post ever!!!!!! (In theory)

Technically speaking the second half was a gift but we will get to that.

First we need to discuss this-

Incase you didn't know, David Lynch has a coffee that you can buy online. Luckily I have an awesome wife, who with the help of some wine, bought this coffee even though the shipping was more than the coffee. I don't care about that. Treat yourself, right?

This could be tricky, I mean what if it isn't even coffee. What if you get it and a one eyed dove hobbles out of the box and bums a cigarette from you. You couldn't really return it because in some transcendental way that "is" David Lynch coffee. We don't know. I mean the dude paints with rotting meat. (By the way, he just released a full album and it is really a doozy. Check it out!) My point is that between Sarah and I we have many of his various ventures and the collection wouldn't be complete with out the cup of joe. We have had many late night conversations with friends about his films and symbolism and what not. So one would expect that his coffee would be a bit different. And that one would be right.

How does it taste?

"I've had I don't know how many cups of coffee in my life, but this is one of the best." -Dale Cooper

That is a quote about another coffee. This coffee was not the best. Nor did it taste like there was a fish in the percolator. Oddly enough, get this, it tasted like an espresso roast IF it was diner coffee. Right??? What??? So close your eyes a moment and think back to how true diner coffee tastes. Ponder it. Now transcend that with a touch of dark espresso lurking in the back of your mouth like Bob was lurking behind the bed. Seriously, that is what it tastes like. If you want, come on over and we will brew some and watch Mulholland Drive. Then we can discuss the significance of lamps and how to catch ideas like fish.

I give this beverage a 3.5 "I do not introduce the log." -Log Lady- out of 5.

What is that you say? Well let me start at the beginning: I grew up in a small town. I never had a billion friends. I wasn't the popular kid. I was (and am) a small little guy who liked candy, toys, and movies. I met my life friend Aaron at a very early age. We had similar interests and height and soon were best of pals. For a few years it was just us against the far larger world. We scurried about talking of ninjas and monsters until we met Devin, Ryan, and Clovis. We became the crew. You know how in Stand By Me, how the whole thing is this flash back to his pals when they were little? When I do that, those are this kids I see. So now we are all grown up and doing our own things. But from time to time we reconnect and that is always great. Now I didn't see Clovis. But Aaron did. He went on a fishing trip and Clovis is a guide down in Eugene. Well Aaron mentioned that I have this little food blorg and soon I received this mysterious package.

Within it was this-
Oh coffee. That is cool. I wonder why there is a cat monkey on the bag.... Oh what!!!! Yep. My childhood pal Clovis mailed us Kopi Lewak. Which is the most expensive coffee on the planet!!!!

Yeah! Another interesting thing about this coffee is that a tree dwelling cat-like creature (like me) in Southeast Asia eats the ripest red coffee beans and then poops out the seeds which are then collected and processed and sold as Kopi Lewak. Yup.

(Don't look up pictures of palm civits. They are not cute.)
So the beans just look like plain old coffee beans and once ground it just smelled like plain old coffee.
Now to the taste. Well. Luckily, for my wallet, I wouldn't say it is incredible. We both (S and I) took a sip and sat puzzled for a bit. The funny thing about this point is that what were we doing was most likely taking all that we knew about the process and the oddness and incorporate that into what we were tasting. It was earthy smelling and earthy tasting but the taste was missing something. Was that because it was tree cat poop coffee? No, that isn't it. What had me perplexed was that it was a light roast. (who does a light roast on cat poop coffee? I know.) We both usually drink dark roasts. With that in mind we sipped again. It was pleasant, light, and earthy. You should most likely take my word for it because Sarah said that there are restaurants that sell it for 50 dollars a cup. Yeah, I started my Saturday off with 100 dollars worth of coffee. Did you? Well, go back and read that quote at the top of this post because you know what? You deserve it. Yes my friend, you deserve to drink a beverage brewed in a cats intestine. Pat your self on the back. I give this treat experience a 4- "styrofoam never dies as long as you live"- Andy-out of 5.

*Lastly a final thanks to my wonderful wife and my dear friends. Thank you for being part of my life and weird interests. You make my life far more richer and sometimes stranger in all of the bestest of ways.

Now if you will excuse me, Leo needs a new pair of shoes.....

.FOOrD BLOrG. Got(h) Milk?

Ok, once again I am apologizing for my extended absence. It was my intention to post every week in the last month but with the art show on the 15th I was really busy and then since then I was waiting on a special piece of equipment for my most expensive blog ever. Yes, I need a special machine for that post and I thought I'd have it by now. I don't so this isn't that most expensive post. Don't fret however, it is on its way. So are we okay? There has been some distance between us but lets move forward. Deal?

So today we are going to look at some products that involve milk. First things first, I think milk is creepy. I don't like to drink it. I don't like to cook with it. I don't put it on cereal. I mean if somebody said to you "Good Morning, would you like a glass of fluid that has been squeezed from another species nipples?" I would hope you'd say no. I think everyone HAS to drink milk as a kid. Parents or grandparents make you. As an adult you can choose and I say no. Yes, I like cheese but that is different. It has mold as well....Hey, quit trying to ruin cheese for me. Let's just keep this moving. Today our 1-5 will be in honor of the things parents make kids do.

Well, what a cool tin! Scho-ka-kola? That sounds fun! Like when an adult talks to a kid like they are completely stupid. "Wood yew lyke sum scho-ka-kola????" I found this when Sarah and I went to Edelweiss here in PDX. They have baked goods, meats, candies etc... Anything you need to feed your Scandanavian mouth. I picked this up and saw that it was nearly 8 dollars and set it down. Later after walking the entire store twice I picked it up again. There was a mystery here that I couldn't leave alone. I asked the lady who was stocking the shelves and she said it was chocolate and caffeine. That was enough for me and I bought it.
As you can see in the picture, the chocolates are in little pie pieces. Well, Dave and Nate came by on Sun. and that seemed like a good time to ambush my pals with some snacks. (snack attack, I know but it seemed too obvious.) So we cracked the tin and dug in.

Oh man. This has to be one of the worst nearly 8 dollars I have spent. Honestly it is weird. At first it tastes almost like chocolate and then right about when you think it is going to be a nice full chocolate flavor it turns into a mouthful of soil. Yep. soil. Nate at first said it was "earthy" but he was being kind. It was straight up a mouthful of dirt. The whole experience was like a rollercoaster of disappointment built on my tastebuds. Even better it lingered for like five minutes. That was when I realized we needed a pallete cleanser. I give this snack a 1-wear clothes you hate for picture day-out of 5.
Ok, before you say anything. I know that is a terrible picture. There are clearer pictures of sasquatch. I am sorry. I don't know what happened. I don't know what to tell you, I will try harder? I will. Sarah and I found this when Dave and Mark went with us to the pumpkin patch. It is a New Zealand company that makes licorice treats of various types. This one is strawberry licorice with a center of white chocolate. You know I don't really care for chocolate but I really don't care for white chocolate. It is creepy. I realize that is the goth calling the chocolate white.... That is a saying right? Or was it something about pot. Nevermind, it isn't important.
See, that picture almost makes it look edible... Anyway, back to sunday. So we had just ingested expensive dirt chocolate and so I tore this open and cut a few pieces off. I figured "How bad could it be?" Now lets just pause for a second and look at what this is. It is licorice that is flavored. Basically a cavity bomb. Then it is stuffed with white chocolate which is also a cavity bomb. I wasn't thinking. (Yes, I have to admit that all the time.) So we all popped them into our mouths and ugh. It really was like a massive sugar explosion. Nate said "he could feel the cavities..." I think he could. Either that or it was the Scho-ka-kola talking. Dave wasn't a big fan but he does follow the L.N.T.B. or Leave No Treats Behind act. So he ate the last piece. I have no recollection of how it tasted. It was a wall of sugar in my mouth. Not good. So Dave and I had a shot of espresso. Seemed like the thing to do. I give this snack a 1-if you don't eat it for dinner you can eat it for breakfast-out of 5.
Lastly we have this. Just look at the packaging. Even though I don't like milk I had to try this. I couldn't pass it up. Plus, I think strawberry milk is even creepier than regular milk. I don't know why. I thought it was rad when I was a kid. Mostly likely because it was different but I also thought the amount of paste, Joey (in elementary school) could eat was impressive. Now in hindsight, not so impressive. Mediocre at best there Joey. Don't quit your day job. (He didn't have a day job, he was 9. Also how am I talking to him in the past? Since when did I get a worm hole? Ewe. I just realized how gross that sounds. It also sounds like a FU from a guy in Jersey. "Hey pal, stuff it in your wormhole!")

So lets take a look at this marvel of technology.
(Ok sasquatch took that picture. It isn't his fault that it is hard to use an iphone with his big stinky sasquatch hands.) So it seems easy enough, just put the straw in the milk and sip. I can do that. With instructions that short I didn't even space off and miss part of the instruction. (Take note of that, rest of my life.)...(hold on I see something shiny)
Wait a second, somebody just melted this straw. I paid 2 dollars and something for 6 melted straws with crumby strawberry things in them? Yep. But how did it taste??? Well, I tried it with soy milk. When we were at an Oriental grocery on 82nd they gave us a free little carton of soy milk. I saved it since I then didn't have to buy milk. So first I had to try soy milk. Then I had to try soy milk with a strawberry straw.

Soy milk- ugh. No thank you. I'd like to stop the experiment please.

Soy milk with strawberry straw- This isn't any better. Also some a-hole melted this straw and put crap in it.

It didn't really taste like strawberry. This was no magic straw. So I thought well it most likely only works with 100% moo juice. I didn't have any. So I thought, maybe the soy milk is getting in the way with all of it's awesome soy milk flavor. (I didn't think that at all.) So I grabbed my glass of sparkling water and another straw. (At this point I was thinking that this was not my best idea.) Then I took a huge swig. . . . . . . .

Actually not that bad. It really did taste like strawberry. I mean, fake strawberry. Kinda like a poorman's italian soda. I guess not so poor if he had to buy a sodastream and expensive melted straws but whatever. (I think I will try gin next.) I give this item a 2-do your chores so you can get an idea of how much having a job is going to suck when you get older-out of 5.

(Note: I am not saying that my parents did or didn't do any of these things. I said "parents" in general.)