.FOOrD BLOrG. chews-your own adventure. Part 2: Electric Chewaloo

Yes, you read that correctly this is the second post inspired by choose your own adventure novels. I enjoyed composing the last one so much that I decided to do another. (It also happens that I had consumed three chewy treats and therefor need not think of a new premise or angle for this blog post....very sneaky.) So if you missed the last epic post, fret not for this is not a continuation. This is a whole new adventure:

GLAGNAR AND THE WHISPERING STAFF

It was dusk and mist ebbed between the trees of Dark Hallows forest. You are GLAGNAR a

well known and respected warrior who recently obtained a mystical item from an ogre who had

fell upon some hard times and had to sell some things to make ends meet. That same ogre had

also had a stroke and fell upon your blade giving the illusion that you had slain him. An illusion

you embraced since only you know that you have never done anything heroic or for anyone else.

Your entire life however has been a series of events that have always provided you with the

appearance of a hero.

Upon approaching a small brook you pause to wash off Glagnar's unmentionables and in doing so

accidentally unwrap the mystical item. It is the whispering staff from wandering peak. An enchanted

staff with the ability of speech. Created by a lonely bridge ogre who simply needed someone to talk to

while he spent his entire life on and under that bridge. You are overjoyed to have this item and leap

from the brook and begin twirling it about yourself. Again on accident, you smack the staff against

a rotten tree and as it topples over it crushes a sand troll which was chasing a tiny pixie with broken

wings. The pixie, overjoyed at the death of the evil sand troll reveals to you it's secret pixie treasure.

The pixie says that you may choose from three magic delights. One will grant you an amazing magic

power and the other 2 will royally f-you up. (That is the pixies words not mine...nasty pixies.)

The whispering staff says "choose none and proceed to town". If you choose the pixie's trial please read

on. If you choose to listen to your whispering staff than skip to the end of the post marked "town".
Our first snack is an oldie. Gummi fruit slices!!! Now I remember buying these as a kid from the Nutcracker which was a candy kiosk in Valley River Mall in Eugene Or. My parents would give me a dollar and I would spend 15 minutes agonizing over what to get. (although I usually went with gummy sour balls.) Now I am not sure if these are always stale or they are supposed to be this texture. They seem stale. In anycase their flavors don't change much wether you choose grapefruit, cherry, orange, strawberry or lime. Except lime sucks in any candy and orange is just boring. I mean who likes orange candy? Not I. Whenever I open a pack of candy (which is an exciting time, believe me) and see an orange it is like being excited to hold a kitten and it pees on you. Not cool. The grapefruit didn't really taste like anything and grapefruit is one of my favorite flavors of anything. For that crime alone I give this snack 2 dragon's rapping about dragon problems out of five.

The pixie urges you to eat the first choice. Your whispering staff says "choose none and proceed to town. Glagnar is in a bind. If you choose to listen to the pixie then proceed to the ending marked 'fruit slice'. If you choose to listen to your whispering staff then skip to the end of the post marked "town".
Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. That is a photo of Fanta flavored Hi-chew candy. Anyone who knows of Hi-chew candy knows that they are amazing. The flavors rarely disappoint. The grape in my opinion is one of those flavors that you can't stop eating until the pack is gone. I saw this on a website and I had to order it directly from Tokyo. Not even because I love Fanta. In fact, to be honest, I can't recall when I last had Fanta if ever. I simply couldn't get past the grape thing. I just saw 'new grape flavor hi-chew' and that was all I needed.

Well, it isn't amazing. I know. Bummer. It isn't bad but it just isn't stellar. I really expected to be wowed. One interesting thing with this taffy like chew is that there are tiny dark purple hard things in the chew. Not like super hard but more like enough to add a textural element. Either way it wasn't worth 2 bux and I won't even go into the shipping costs. I give this chew a 3 harpys singing 'the crying game' out of five.

The pixie really urges you to choose this snack but your whispering staff says "no way dude. I have a really bad feeling about this...proceed to town. oh and please don't hit me against trees."

If you choose to listen to the pixie then proceed to the ending marked 'fanta'. If you choose to listen to your whispering staff then skip to the end of the post marked 'town'.

Lastly we have a Grapefruit Hi-chew!!!!!!!!! (and the imaginary crowd in my mind goes wild !!!!!) Yea, remember what I said earlier about grapefruit? IT IS THE BEST! Well, this is grapefruit and from Japan. It. Is. Awesome. For some reason it is twice the size of the Fanta pack too. Which is fine by me because it is friggin' delicious!!! Seriously great. Talk about giving everything it promises perfectly. I have never seen this in a store Asian or otherwise. I would completely order this from Japan again. The only problem is I have to put it back into my candy droor before eating a piece or I would devour the whole pack. I give this snack 5 mages singing 'Don't stop believing" out of 5.

The pixie seems sure that this is the right one. Your whispering staff says "No way homie. Proceed to the next town. This pixie be trippin'.

If you choose to listen to the pixie then proceed to the ending marked 'fruit slice'. If you choose to listen to your whispering staff then skip to the end of the post marked 'Town."

Fruit slice- You place the gummy in your mouth and begin chewing. The pixie begins a deep and bass filled belly laugh. You die in an indescribable way...for anyone but the whispering staff who describes the entire ordeal in great detail constantly. In fact that is all it whispers about for the rest of time to anyone who obtains it. And it mentions your diminutive unmentionables constantly.

Fanta- You place the candy into your mouth and neck muscles begin to bulge at an alarming rate. You think you are expanding like the Hulk. (which you don't know what that is) Sadly the rest of your body doesn't follow suit and you must live out the rest of your days dragging your gigantic neck muscles around until they form huge fat rolls since you couldn't operate such huge neck muscles and they eventually suffocate you in your sleep. Which is totally not a cool thing to do.

Grapefruit- You place the candy into your mouth and smoke bellows from your nostrils. Lightning shoots from your eyes and fireballs form in your palms. Your feet turn to gold and everywhere you step you leave a paper thin gold foot print. You are like super attractive to all the right people now. Like as if Tom Selleck circa 1980 and Sean Connery circa 1970 had a baby with gold feet and fireball hands. Everybody says awesome things to you. For like ever. And you get loads of smooches from the babes.

Town- You leave the foolish pixie and travel on to the town. Unfortunately the town has been burned to the ground by a gang of whispering staffs. They see you have captured their brethren and they descend upon you. Beating themselves against your shins and knees and elbows and sometimes your chin. All the while whispering over the top of each other. You can't so much as distinguish a word that an individual staff is saying and that is quite frustrating. The beating goes on for hours as does the annoying whispering. Finally you can't hold onto your whispering staff any longer and they disappear in the surrounding woods. You collapse to the ground only to be found by gypsy cannibals. Who were coming to town to rob and eat everyone. They are quite perturbed that you burned all of their dinners. So they eat you up like you are a grapefruit hi-chew.

The end.