Gr-eatings...(See what I did there?) for this installment of IN THE MOUTH OF SNACKNESS I am going to keep it short up top. It seems the intros have been getting a tad too soap boxy feeling for my own liking so I am going to try and keep it thin. In doing so I have also introduced todays theme: Swimsuit Season. Yes, that is correct. Despite the fact that there was snow this morning we are in spring.
Spring is a great time (for those who care) to begin thinking about how far you have let yourself go though winter and the holiday season. I mean, once the sun comes out you will look like an intravenous meth addict if you are all bundled up with long sleeves on in 100 degree weather. (Albeit a portly meth addict but those have to exist too right?) What I am slowly rambling about is healthier snacks. Most people try diet changes before exercise when attempting to lose weight. Also those same people don't quit cheese. They quit full fat cheese but they get a less fat cheese. The same goes for chips.
So today we have three different types of chips. Our rating scale includes some personal health tips.
Okay first things first, I think the packaging is hideous. I mean come on. Who ever has heard of a rice chip cowboy? That guy would be the first cowboy shot in any hostile western disagreement. He is certainly not a curly wolf! (Tough guy) Somebody would for sure clean his plow. (Beat him up) Guess what wasn't served in saloons? If you guessed rice chips than you ain't no coffee boiler! (lazy person)
That being said, maybe I am getting to knocked into a cocked hat (fouled up) on the packaging. I am sure if we open the bag we will find that these chips are as fine as cream gravy. (Top notch) Before we do that though lets take a look at the back.
Ok. What kind of flannel mouth (fancy talker, politician) puts that much reading on a bag of chips. WHAT IS THAT THEIR MISSION STATEMENT? Oh, it is. Well they need to hobble their lip. (Shut up) Also look at the bottom line. What? When just enough was more than plenty? Do these people even know what happened in the west? Did they not play the Oregon Trail Game? Are they saying this snack is barely a snack? How many questions can I ask in a row? (The answer is 6)
I found this chip while at a typical Fred Meyer. What caught my eye was the flavor. It is unusual. I often peruse the healthy chip section since I take lunches to work and I am trying to find a balance between carrot sticks and healthier chips. (Wow, that is so interesting...)The thing is most healthier chips are only 10 calories shy of their less healthy counterparts. So they better take the rag off (be better) the whole kit and kaboodle (everything) because they are more expensive and usually you get less. I ain't no shavetail (fool). I don't believe their scuttlebutt (rumours) because all that health hype will just leave you all shindy (confused).
The bottom line, for me, is that it has to taste good. Price, look, and amount are all secondary to taste. If it isn't hot as a whore house on nickel night (damned hot) or in apple pie order (in top shape) then I don't want it and I will choose something else.
Well they look good right? Lets not put the cart before the horse (Simply poor cart placement) because when I opened the bag what hit me first was the smell. The scent took me awhile to twig (understand). It at first was leathery or oaky like a saddle or a clean barn. Then I thought of chaps and then the Village People. 5 minutes later I returned to the task at hand having thoroughly danced to Macho Man. Now I was ready for a snack. The crunch these chips offer is substantial. The chips also have a decent amount of seasoning which is a nice surprise since eating a healthy chip is about as fun as being a lunger (Person who has tuberculosis). I can't say though that I tasted any chive. The flavor was like a faint worcester waft and rice chip. It was almost slightly tangy. I guess I am saying there was a mystery afoot (There was a mystery afoot) in my mouth and that wasn't a bad thing. What they created here is something original. It wasn't gross by any means. I am guessing whomever made it is an odd stick (eccentric person) of the first water (first class). Would I buy them again? Well I ate them all. Each chip lead to the next as I tried to nail down the flavor. So I guess this is a success. I give them a 4-Don't eat free Little Ceasers pizza just because it is free at work. Have some self respect-out of 5.
Ok. So this looks "way better". (See what I did there?) Sarah was a gem and found these for me at New Seasons. Now normally when I see a healthier chip that says it has chili I just know it is going to be boring. That is the trouble with having an incredible hot sauce master as a wife. All other "spicy" anything is dull and unrefined. (Too much?) (Too bad, get your own food blog.) I was intrigued by the "sweet chili" combined with a tortilla chip. Before we talk about wether that works or not lets examine the bag.
Alright health snack. I get it, you are healthier than a fried chip. How about you keep "germinated" off my snack sack. It creeps me out. Now I am thinking about germs and mold. Ugh. I have to go dance to Macho Man in order to get over this grossness.
WHOA. I thought the last snack was a little preachy but jesus. Somebody is real full of themselves. Guess who isn't the life of any party? If you guessed anybody who poops every time they blink you are right and weird. Also I am guessing these people are not the life of the party. They probably smell like paste and earth and dress like an art teacher on a hike. That being said, I give this snack a 4-Try walking to turn the t.v. on. Or do five reps of lifting the Subway sandwich to your face before each bite-out of 5.
Oh god no. I saw this recently as I passed by a 7-11. Did you know they have televisions in 7-11s now? What kind of lengthy process would you be conducting in a convenience store that would be eased by the presence of a tv? I mean the idea of a convenience store is that it is closer to you than a super market and smaller so your lazy american legs don't have to carry you too far between the malt liquor and the Milk Duds that you need to consume at home while you watch Americas Funniest Videos.
Nobody goes to 7-11 to get updated on current events. Unless that event is the ever impending diarrhea from one of their fine products. Which brings us to this snack. This is a hot dog flavored chip. Sold at the place that sells the very hotdog it is supposed to taste like. Sold right below the actual hotdog. Sold at or around the same price. What is this madness!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Once again when the bag was opened the oder escaped. Notice there is no flowery language here. This is serious. These friggin' chips smell like a loaded hotdog. Which made me look at the bag a second time. I hadn't noticed that the hotdog has ketchup, mustard, and relish on it. WTF? First of all I am a yellow mustard hotdog guy. No pickles or sweet catsup for me. These additions to the already less than stellar idea of a chip tasting like a hotdog is as appealing as licking a seat on the bus at the end of the day. (Most likely similar in taste as well.)
A chip is just a chip though, right? How bad could it be? What could possibly go wrong? Has 7-11 ever sold a low quality product? Can you think of a better idea? Would you like to try this for me? (I told you 6 questions in a row.) Ok before I try this lets look at their fine ingredients.
Wait. Does that say "May contain one or more of the following"? Is that legal? I mean they couldn't possibly be more unsure of what is in this bag. Gato is spanish for cat right? Oh man. At least it has polysorbate 80. MMMMMM. So excited for this!
Oh my good lord. First there is the crunch much like a Ruffles chip and then flavor country. Wow. This is one of the strangest things I have tried. I know that means a lot. It tastes exactly like a loaded hotdog. No sh*t. I am not lying to you. Here is the total mind f*ck though. It comes in waves. Listen to what I am telling you. That is not a misprint. This sh*t is some serious next level evil business. This might be a sign that the Mayan's were right. End of days, man. End of f*ckin' days.(For my mouth at least.)
It goes ketchup, then relish something, then questionable tubed meat, then mustard, and somewhere in there is cheap bun flavor. I wish I could better illustrate this for you. Like a flip book or powerpoint presentation. IT HAS BALANCE. This is molecular gastronomy for the trailer park. The ebbing and flow of flavors continues the whole time the chip is in your mouth. So gross. So intriguing. So not ok. I really thought I had a grasp on the world but now I seriously don't know. I am like that atheist that witnesses child birth and thinks that god has to exist or a priest that realizes the whole time he has been hearing the voice of god it was just Ashton Kutcher and he was being Punk'd. What I am telling you is that some part of me has died and these chips did that.
Are these chips grotesque? For sure. Yet they are exactly what they say. In every possible way. Think about it. You could make any sandwich taste like a loaded hotdog. Crunch them up on a casserole top and it would taste like hotdog casserole. (That very thought of made my vomit have diarrhea.) I can't fault the creators for making a monster that is exactly the monster they meant to make. I mean if frankenstein was just a great florist and didn't kill anyone than he'd be the guy to go to for flowers for a funeral. Think about it. He's been dead. He knows what corpses like. (Turns out they hate orchids so quit being a dick.)
I mean really they should rename these chips "frankenstein". (See what I did there....Frankfurter....hotdog..nevermind) I give this snack a 5-actually do stretches before you take your Caramello and stretch it out-out of 5.
Now if you don't mind I am going to sit in the corner in the dark and slowly sing the lyrics to macho man while weeping. (You self sooth your way. Keep your laws off my body.)