Thursday, March 22, 2012

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Chorp Chompin' Chipies 2: Snackageddon

Gr-eatings...(See what I did there?) for this installment of IN THE MOUTH OF SNACKNESS I am going to keep it short up top. It seems the intros have been getting a tad too soap boxy feeling for my own liking so I am going to try and keep it thin. In doing so I have also introduced todays theme: Swimsuit Season. Yes, that is correct. Despite the fact that there was snow this morning we are in spring. 

Spring is a great time (for those who care) to begin thinking about how far you have let yourself go though winter and the holiday season. I mean, once the sun comes out you will look like an intravenous meth addict if you are all bundled up with long sleeves on in 100 degree weather. (Albeit a portly meth addict but those have to exist too right?) What I am slowly rambling about is healthier snacks. Most people try diet changes before exercise when attempting to lose weight. Also those same people don't quit cheese. They quit full fat cheese but they get a less fat cheese. The same goes for chips. 

So today we have three different types of chips. Our rating scale includes some personal health tips.

Okay first things first, I think the packaging is hideous. I mean come on. Who ever has heard of a rice chip cowboy? That guy would be the first cowboy shot in any hostile western disagreement. He is certainly not a curly wolf! (Tough guy) Somebody would for sure clean his plow. (Beat him up) Guess what wasn't served in saloons? If you guessed rice chips than you ain't no coffee boiler! (lazy person)
That being said, maybe I am getting to knocked into a cocked hat (fouled up) on the packaging. I am sure if we open the bag we will find that these chips are as fine as cream gravy. (Top notch) Before we do that though lets take a look at the back.

Ok. What kind of flannel mouth (fancy talker, politician) puts that much reading on a bag of chips. WHAT IS THAT THEIR MISSION STATEMENT? Oh, it is. Well they need to hobble their lip. (Shut up) Also look at the bottom line. What? When just enough was more than plenty? Do these people even know what happened in the west? Did they not play the Oregon Trail Game? Are they saying this snack is barely a snack? How many questions can I ask in a row? (The answer is 6)

I found this chip while at a typical Fred Meyer. What caught my eye was the flavor. It is unusual. I often peruse the healthy chip section since I take lunches to work and I am trying to find a balance between carrot sticks and healthier chips. (Wow, that is so interesting...)The thing is most healthier chips are only 10 calories shy of their less healthy counterparts. So they better take the rag off (be better) the whole kit and kaboodle (everything) because they are more expensive and usually you get less. I ain't no shavetail (fool). I don't believe their scuttlebutt (rumours) because all that health hype will just leave you all shindy (confused).

The bottom line, for me, is that it has to taste good. Price, look, and amount are all secondary to taste. If it isn't hot as a whore house on nickel night (damned hot) or in apple pie order (in top shape) then I don't want it and I will choose something else.

Well they look good right? Lets not put the cart before the horse (Simply poor cart placement) because when I opened the bag what hit me first was the smell. The scent took me awhile to twig (understand). It at first was leathery or oaky like a saddle or a clean barn. Then I thought of chaps and then the Village People. 5 minutes later I returned to the task at hand having thoroughly danced to Macho Man. Now I was ready for a snack. The crunch these chips offer is substantial. The chips also have a decent amount of seasoning which is a nice surprise since eating a healthy chip is about as fun as being a lunger (Person who has tuberculosis). I can't say though that I tasted any chive. The flavor was like a faint worcester waft and rice chip. It was almost slightly tangy. I guess I am saying there was a mystery afoot (There was a mystery afoot) in my mouth and that wasn't a bad thing. What they created here is something original. It wasn't gross by any means. I am guessing whomever made it is an odd stick (eccentric person) of the first water (first class). Would I buy them again? Well I ate them all.  Each chip lead to the next as I tried to nail down the flavor. So I guess this is a success. I give them a 4-Don't eat free Little Ceasers pizza just because it is free at work. Have some self respect-out of 5.

Ok. So this looks "way better". (See what I did there?) Sarah was a gem and found these for me at New Seasons. Now normally when I see a healthier chip that says it has chili I just know it is going to be boring. That is the trouble with having an incredible hot sauce master as a wife. All other "spicy" anything is dull and unrefined. (Too much?) (Too bad, get your own food blog.) I was intrigued by the "sweet chili" combined with a tortilla chip. Before we talk about wether that works or not lets examine the bag.

Alright health snack. I get it, you are healthier than a fried chip. How about you keep "germinated" off my snack sack. It creeps me out. Now I am thinking about germs and mold. Ugh. I have to go dance to Macho Man in order to get over this grossness.

Alright. The first thing you notice when you open the bag is the fragarence. A subtle bouquet of corn, chili, and some other spices. (I am not a nostrilnaut. That is my guess as to what you call people who are really good at smelling. Not gutter punks or hippies but people who use their nose to detect scents. Like Dave and Sarah are nostrilnauts.) I knew at this point in the game that this chip wasn't going to be too bad. Of course, I was right. Would I prefer a fried chip? YES. But the flavor was an intriguing melange of chili, sweetness/tartness from vinegar or something, and roasted corn. Pretty darn good too. The downside is there isn't much in the bag for the 3 dollar something price. I would prefer is there was an element of heat to it but that is what Marshall's Haute Sauce is for. Also while it is crunchy and pretty tasty it isn't that much better for you.

WHOA. I thought the last snack was a little preachy but jesus. Somebody is real full of themselves. Guess who isn't the life of any party? If you guessed anybody who poops every time they blink you are right and weird. Also I am guessing these people are not the life of the party. They probably smell like paste and earth and dress like an art teacher on a hike. That being said, I give this snack a 4-Try walking to turn the t.v. on. Or do five reps of lifting the Subway sandwich to your face before each bite-out of 5.

Oh god no. I saw this recently as I passed by a 7-11. Did you know they have televisions in 7-11s now? What kind of lengthy process would you be conducting in a convenience store that would be eased by the presence of a tv? I mean the idea of a convenience store is that it is closer to you than a super market and smaller so your lazy american legs don't have to carry you too far between the malt liquor and the Milk Duds that you need to consume at home while you watch Americas Funniest Videos.

Nobody goes to 7-11 to get updated on current events. Unless that event is the ever impending diarrhea from one of their fine products. Which brings us to this snack. This is a hot dog flavored chip. Sold at the place that sells the very hotdog it is supposed to taste like. Sold right below the actual hotdog. Sold at or around the  same price. What is this madness!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Once again when the bag was opened the oder escaped. Notice there is no flowery language here. This is serious. These friggin' chips smell like a loaded hotdog. Which made me look at the bag a second time.  I hadn't noticed that the hotdog has ketchup, mustard, and relish on it. WTF? First of all I am a yellow mustard hotdog guy. No pickles or sweet catsup for me. These additions to the already less than stellar idea of a chip tasting like a hotdog is as appealing as licking a seat on the bus at the end of the day. (Most likely similar in taste as well.)

A chip is just a chip though, right? How bad could it be? What could possibly go wrong? Has 7-11 ever sold a low quality product? Can you think of a better idea? Would you like to try this for me? (I told you 6 questions in a row.)  Ok before I try this lets look at their fine ingredients.

Wait. Does that say "May contain one or more of the following"? Is that legal? I mean they couldn't possibly be more unsure of what is in this bag. Gato is spanish for cat right? Oh man. At least it has polysorbate 80. MMMMMM. So excited for this!

Oh my good lord. First there is the crunch much like a Ruffles chip and then flavor country. Wow. This is one of the strangest things I have tried. I know that means a lot. It tastes exactly like a loaded hotdog. No sh*t. I am not lying to you. Here is the total mind f*ck though. It comes in waves. Listen to what I am telling you. That is not a misprint. This sh*t is some serious next level evil business. This might be a sign that the Mayan's were right. End of days, man. End of f*ckin' days.(For my mouth at least.)

It goes ketchup, then relish something, then questionable tubed meat, then mustard, and somewhere in there is cheap bun flavor. I wish I could better illustrate this for you. Like a flip book or powerpoint presentation. IT HAS BALANCE. This is molecular gastronomy for the trailer park. The ebbing and flow of flavors continues the whole time the chip is in your mouth. So gross. So intriguing. So not ok. I really thought I had a grasp on the world but now I seriously don't know. I am like that atheist that witnesses child birth and thinks that god has to exist or a priest that realizes the whole time he has been hearing the voice of god it was just Ashton Kutcher and he was being Punk'd. What I am telling you is that some part of me has died and these chips did that.

Are these chips grotesque? For sure. Yet they are exactly what they say. In every possible way. Think about it. You could make any sandwich taste like a loaded hotdog. Crunch them up on a casserole top and it would taste like hotdog casserole. (That very thought of made my vomit have diarrhea.) I can't fault the creators for making a monster that is exactly the monster they meant to make. I mean if frankenstein was just a great florist and didn't kill anyone than he'd be the guy to go to for flowers for a funeral. Think about it. He's been dead. He knows what corpses like. (Turns out they hate orchids so quit being a dick.)
I mean really they should rename these chips "frankenstein". (See what I did there....Frankfurter....hotdog..nevermind) I give this snack a 5-actually do stretches before you take your Caramello and stretch it out-out of 5.

Now if you don't mind I am going to sit in the corner in the dark and slowly sing the lyrics to macho man while weeping. (You self sooth your way. Keep your laws off my body.)

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Time to take your medicine.

Well if you are human than you've probably been sick at least once this winter. This winter has been brutal with the sickness. As we all know, sometimes you can't get well without taking your medicine. Why? Simply because it makes you better. How? Simply because you have choosen to take it thus exposing your insides to the gifts of modern medicine. You choose. Go natural and possibly get pneumonia or visit the doc for meds. That is my point. Somethings help and somethings are just a smoke screen or an illusion. If you don't want to get better than don't take anything. In fact, if you don't want to know than don't go to the doctor. That is a choice. You have to go the the doctor for that information. You don't just walk up to a person on the street and say "What did you have for lunch?" and their reply is "You have pneumonia." Sure this could happen but chances are slim at best.

Why then, I ask you, when I log into Facebook is there recently nothing but the NEWS. Seriously people. You aren't impacting anything under the illusion of sharing a news site. You have made no difference. You have made no donation. You have made as little effort, that could be called effort, as possible to change or impact any outcome. All you have done is depressed me AND might I add that I did nothing to deserve this. What could I possibly have been guilty of? All I wanted to know was if you ate a sandwich. Remember when that was pretty much every post? "Making a sandwich for dinner!" Minutes later "Successful sandwich preparation. Here goes nothing." Even later posted by their significant other "My man sure can make a mean sammich!!!LOL" Do you remember those fun and innocent times? I do. Did I bitch about it then? You bet your ass I did but I didn't know what I know now. (Hind sight is cheeky that way.) Innocence IS better. That is what I want from a social network. If I wanted news than I would go look for the news. Keep your chocolate out of my peanut butter OK. (Quit thinking about Peanut butter cups and agree with me.) They should create a FB just for serious news and call it SERIOUSFACE. Everyone can go there are be grumpsters and pretend that their repost saved a starving kid while they eat expensive supposed organic food and drink an 8 dollar beer. Leave me to spend my free time calmly learning that Walt made tacos and that my mom has a new birdhouse. See how relaxing that information is? Ahhhh.


Yes, today all of these snacky darlings have medicinal purposes in one way or another. (Or maybe they just taste like medicine either way you get the theme.)

Up first we have this lovely snack which was procured from a local asian grocery. How can you go wrong with a green tea candy with some kind of weeping center? Many ways actually but I bought this for health reasons. (I buy any candy for its mental health aiding abilities.) Green tea supposedly helps your immune system, fights rheumatoid arthritis, lowers cholesterol levels, and does something not pro-cancer. I don't know if any of that is true. I just eat candy.

Well it sure is pretty. Um, but what is that in the center? Is that a generic tylenol? Is this green tea candy some kind of roofie? There is only one way to figure this out-down the hatch. The first sensation in the mouth is green tea. Green tea was their angle and they are crushing it in that arena. This little smooth hard candy has green tea flavor in spades. Also a fake lemon taste like in Lipton tea. You know, the kind that comes in powder form and some kids eat it. (I KNOW NOT OF THOSE KIDS.)Wow. It isn't overly sweet either which I like. That being said I am now waiting for the walls to erode (of the candy..unless this is a roofie.) so I can taste that weeping lemon pocket. (Ugh. Please don't let me ever type that combination of words again. Also please go forth and call people weeping lemon pockets. "OMG. Did you hear about Glenda? She totally did the horizontal mambo with Herald and Bueford. What A Weeping Lemon Pocket." OR "Hey Todd! Shut yer weepin' lemon pocket! You's couldn't name da capitol of Salem!) So I sat, waiting for what must have been many pieces of a minute. Lets be honest, it was a minute. Then I bit into it. Not the lemon center I expected. First of all it wasn't gooey like the cover of the bag. It wasn't powdery like I thought it might be either. It was just something strange. Kinda fizzy. I don't know what it is or why they hid it in the middle of this candy disc but it is creeping me out. Give me a weeping lemon pocket any day compared to this. While it does deliver on what it says, I ate it a good ten minutes ago and my mouth tastes like it was frequently and recently tea bagged. (With actual tea.) For that reason, I give this snack a 2.5- If you are wearing a green jacket and carrying a clip board on the street don't talk to me-out of 5.

This snack I picked up at Fubonn here in PDX and then Sarah got me box at a different market and then our good friend Nate sent me some goodies and these were among the contents! (How about that. A beautiful lady, a pale troll, and an amazingly talented photographer-all around nice guy, all buying the same snack. *I will let you figure out who is who in that scenario. Although I think my pictures rule me out of the latter choice and my man goods rule me out of the first. Bummer.)

Ginger is used to treat ovarian cancer, prevent colon cancer, migraine relief and menstrual cramp relief among many other things. Pretty much it is said to fight or aid most things. All and all ginger has a pretty positive rap. Hey, look at that exciting news bursting off the front of the packaging! FOIL WRAPPED! That is like a toy and a candy in one! In your face Transformers this is a true two in one combo! We could make a foil pile, have a foil war, pretend it is snowing sticky foil snow, or just do some old fashioned littering. (Which all of those tasks lead to anyway.) Nice! Lets check out the back.

Wait a minute. Hmmm. Really? At any time? I mean sure sometimes but "any time"? I think not. Here are some examples: "Elanor, you husband has died from a slow debilitating disease. Sure he hasn't known who you were for years and that was hard, in particularly on the nurses that he kept hitting on but now he is in a better place-our furnace. Ginger candy?" Or "Leonard, you are diabetic. Ginger candy?" Or "Little Timmy, your mother and I are separating. Ginger candy? No, we aren't separating candy. We don't love each other anymore. That is why we had you and you made it worse. How about now, ginger candy?" Sure the people in those situations are assholes but let's look at some other options. "Darling Linda, I have had strong feelings for you since I first saw you in Algebra. It has taken me a long time to save up but I am finally ready to make that long awaited commitment. If you are reading this I have committed myself into the looney bin. Please find enclosed a ginger candy." Or "Stan and Elana? Oh there you are. I am Dr. Wangelstein, oh I just noticed that you are both redheads. Well, anyway it is a boy. Ginger candy?" (Hold on, in that last scenario where the doctor speaks to the parents in the waiting room...why were both parents in the waiting room?) Lets move on.

Well, I can honestly say that I did't expect that. It looks black with weird white powder on it. Oh my, it smells like what I'd imagine a horses knee would smell like. You know?!? Lets see how it tastes. Well first things first, I expected the texture of caramel but it is way denser than that. This is a serious chew here and as it warms in your mouth it has a slight wavering sweetness and it begins adhering to your teeth as if it is fighting back. This is not my cup of ginger tea. I spit it out after a minute. In my nonprofessional opinion it just has too much honey or gelatin or horse in it. When I think ginger I think about earthy powerful ginger not viscous honey sweetness. The side of the box suggests putting three candies in a cup of hot water to make ginger tea. Yeah right. I would rather drink the hot water thus burning my taste buds and not have to deal with your horse treats. The good news if this is your thing is that the price for a box of these is 89 cents and each box houses 10-12 candies. Cheap. I mean I didn't care for the candy but I will always cherish the foil. I give this treat a 2-for every world event you repost FB tells your friends twice as many times that you are listening to Tom Petty and just listened to Dave Mathews-out of 5.

We got this at Edelweiss here in PDX. I bought it because I had no idea what it was and that usually never bodes well for my mouth and/or stomach.

So what we have here is a sugar free Eucalyptus pastille. Wow does that sound like fun or what? I imagine this is what disapointment tastes like for Norweigan children. Imagine the wide eyed hopeful child approaching their bestemamma or bestepappa (Norweigan for grandma and grandpa) as their grandparent reaches into their purse (reindeer skin most likely) and asks if they want a piece of candy? The child answers back a resounding "JA!" (Norwegan for yes) and the grandparent produces this. This sad looking confection. I mean it looks like a dirty stepped on jujube.

Eucalyptus is supposed to aid in skin irritations, respiratory infections, and ear infections. What part of that doesn't sound yummy?

Is it good? Well, it tastes like menthol and something weird. The weird part I am assuming is eucalyptus. I don't know what it normally tastes like but if this is it than no thank you. It is medicinal tasting by all measurements of the word. As if that is enough to not enjoy, the texture is that of a piece of rubber. Like you are eating Bengay covered rubber buttons. (Coincidentally Rubber Buttons was my clown name back in the circus.) Bouncy back rub salve candy is what this should be called. This must be what it is like to be a masseuse and forget that you have oils on your hands from giving a massage and you get a candy out of your purse (reindeer skin most likely) and taste it. Blech. I give this candy a 2- I don't remember what your sign you are carrying said because I couldn't get past the smell-out of 5.

Oh hell yeah! First of all, I am a big fan of gummy candies. Sure there are some truly terrible ones out there but there are some great high end gummies. Japan never ceases to amaze me with their skills in the gummy dept. I mean there are a few aspects to a gummy: mouth feel-over all texture, flavor, and level of sweetness. Stop the presses though. These aren't hailing from Japan. These expensive treats are from Bissinger's Handcrafted Chocolatier in St. Louis. I know that the front tells you that is is going to be a healthy alt. to candy which is usually a bad sign. That is like people listening to The Shins because while it is music it has no components that will invigorate or excite you like good music. Better for your heart to be bored. (My god they are boring. One time we saw them because someone gave us free tickets. Ugh. Dull. I couldn't figure out why everyone was even facing the stage. Going to a Shins show because you have free tickets is like picking up a bag of dog sh*t because you need a lunch bag. It is a bad plan and you deserve what you get I guess.)

As far as health benefits, we already covered the green tea earlier and the rest is featured below.

So here on the back you can see the health benefits or lack of evil things. Plus you can see the price. Yep. Nearly 5 dollars for 4 oz. of gummy bears. Those better be some damn fine bears.

Oh my goodness these are some damn fine bears!!! While I can't say that they rival some of the greatness of Japan, these are quite legit. The aroma is Apricot. Mega freaking Apricot! The mouth feel is pretty much as good as it gets. The gummy yields ever so slightly under the pressure of your gentle mastication. (Too much?) Well it does. The gummy is not too sweet. There really is a pleasant balance of apricot aromatics, sweetness and a light lingering green tea flavor. Way more effort is felt in this than the green tea candy earlier. See that is the difference between high end and low end candy. Sure you may pay more but due to the richness and quality you end up ingesting more. I do anyway. One of these is satiating. Where as I'd eat a whole bag of Peach O's without feeling a thing. Don't get me wrong I love Peach O's but this is something different. I give this snack a 5- The world would be a better place if people actually lead by example rather than repost an example-out of 5.

My point is wether it be false help or medical promises that there are real ways to make a difference or an impact. If you are going to put any effort out at least make sure it is worth it. Then again what do I know, I am just a guy complaining to nobody in particular while eating candy in my comfortable home.

Thanks for reading and special thanks to Nate! Thanks for sending me some blog fuel. Much appreciated! Also and always to my amazing wife. Next week is a doozy! See you then. Snack on my hungry friends!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Welcome to my motivation station prepare for elation

It would seem in these modern times that we choose not to SURVIVE but settle just to be alive. We close our eyes to the wonders of the world outside and play games on our phones and watch reruns of Pimp My Ride. The gift of experiencing our each and every breath has instead been replaced with the documentation of ones self. Majesty made both mediocre and bland because everything looks the same through the lens of Instagram. Technique and style are valued far less than a leaked nipple slip from a Kardashian dress. The idea that we are so pleased by complacency, that we are satiated in our Pajama Jeans, has me infuriated and bursting at the seams. This is a message to broadcast massive-

We have become the passive.

Before you leave this page to engage in a Farmville game or something equally mundane. Wait. Remember how you got to this day. It wasn't without stumbles, falls, scrapes, and frays. Then why live this safe predictable way? We are so insulated and inundated by how our creature comforts are operated that we have forgotten what it is like to ACTUALLY be creative. Yes, this idea should sting like a slap. Now go make something without the aid of an app. Put down your smart phone and get your wits about yourself, the only navigation you need is your own heart and health. Give your loved one some actual face time and an honest look before you passively compliment them on Facebook. It is time to treat these creature comforts like a wounded horse, get out your gun and interrupt natures course. You will have plenty of time when you are old and grey to sit around stationary and complain. For now, woman or man, let your life experiences expand. TRY EVERY SINGLE THING YOU CAN. The end result isn't wether or not you liked it, it is about learning about yourself from having tried it.  

This is your life but do you choose to live it?

-Mc Snackmixx

So today's theme is about going outside of our own comfort zones and how in the end we can look back and see how we've grown. Hold on. I am still rhyming. OK. I think it has passed now. Alright, lets get to the snacks.

This was found at Fizz in PDX. I remember getting this gum or one like it in individual plastic wrappers when I was a kid. The idea as you can see by the pretty lackadaisical packaging is that it is gum that looks like a hot dog. More specifically a wiener. Can we just have a moment here to acknowledge the tagline that they put on the front of this gum for children. Gum shaped like a wiener and it says "Blow your lunch". Nobody raised an eyebrow at that one? Really? I know what they must have meant. Oh man. But I keep looking at it. Agh. There it is. I mean double entendre aside just look at the packaging. It is so ugly. Then there is the fact that it is six pieces of gum for a buck 25. Yikes. Then there is the issue of taste.

I think we all know what it means when something is "fruit" flavored. It means that it has a vague sweet flavor that is not great nor memorable. This product has that. This gum tastes like sugar and gum.-sigh-This gum is about as good at being fun to eat as I am successful at algebra. (I never even got to algebra.)
If you are looking for a gum that turns into a pretty massive glob of sugar in your mouth than this might be the snack for you. If you like to feel as if you have made a questionable choice while purchasing a snack than this might be the snack for you. Not for me though. I give this snack a 1-Limit the amount of time you walk around in a game on your game system and actually walk around, stimulating your own nervous system-out of 5

I know, I have said it 1000 times before but I am just not a fan of Mexican candies and sweets. Nonetheless this treat came back with Pat from a recent trip. I couldn't simply turn it down so I had to try it. (Hold on, the rhyming came back. I just need to hold a cold knife to my temple and roll my eyes. Wait, that is to get rid of hiccups...Ok. I will eat a spoonful of cinnamon and also play the spoons. No, that doesn't cure anything. Oh, I think it has passed.) This snack is interesting because of the individual little husk sacks. Is that the right term? I mean they look cool right? 

Huh. A plastic bag is wrapped tightly around the tamarind flavored sugar. Interesting. It smells like if a prune had some old slippers and it was wearing them when it has a fever and it's feverish feet had fever sweats in the slippers and then you smelled it. Yeah, like sweaty prune feet slippers. How does it taste? Pretty much like that. It is gritty. It has the taste of prunes and of course it has cayenne pepper. I bet if Mexico had a show that was the hispanic equivalent of the golden girls and you kissed one of them-your mouth would taste like this. This isn't a new experience thanks to previous Mexican snack adventures but it is another experience. Yep. There is something about the clawing sweetness that won't leave your mouth. It just lingers on your tongue giving you the feeling that you are actively rotting your teeth. I can honestly say that trying this was an all around bummer like realizing that your girlfriend has teeth like Joe Strummer. (Wait. Sorry. It will pass. I just need to fold clothes and think of lemons. . . That doesn't cure anything does it? It just makes you salivate while you match socks. That is just weird. Don't do that.)
As this was a gift, I am unsure of the price but I will say this "Even free is maybe too much." I give this snack a .5-Yes it will be crowded at the ________social event but prepare yourself mentally for that and when it is over you can ay that you made it through and have an experience to remember-out of 5.

Yes. Your eyes don't deceive you. We are doing this. I am not Andrew Zimmern or whatever his name is. My thing is not about eating gross things or extreme cuisine. However, Dave gave me this awhile ago and I had said that I wouldn't be eating them. I believe I also said "I will only eat one if you eat one because I get scared when I throw up alone." (Not true. Probably) Yet ever since then a part of my brain has been saying "why not?" You see, I don't usually make new years resolutions but this year I did. It was to say yes to anything my wife asks. Do I want to go somewhere that I might not have any interest in going? Yes. (Like that.) Something that simple can break the routines that we tend to build for ourselves. It is freeing to see what you are capable of no matter how big or small or possibly ill conceived and thoroughly gross.

So that is what this post and really this snack all come down to. When life gives you a cricket can you eat it? Well what if life sprays chemicals on the cricket to flavor it like bacon and cheese? Do you eat that cricket? In truth, most of what is coating the cricket is dehydrated cheese. Don't ask me why but I was way more gung ho about this idea before I saw that it had blue cheese on it. Something about having blue cheese on my cricket is just off putting. In the event that you think they look cute in that box lets get a closer look.

For you information, the smell is somewhere between when you open a box of Kraft Mac & cheese (You know that mix of dusty cardboard and dried pasta.) and when you open the cheese powder packet from the same box. Hmmm. With just a hint of what an old fly swatter smells like. Just a touch though. Just a touch. There is a balance of ambiance here. Oh man. He is missing a leg. er. I mean he is missing a drum stick. Alright here it goes:

(At the moment of trying this I was positioned by the sink ready to vomit. I had prepared myself.)

The first thing I noticed was that it was quite crunchy and the flavor was,  believe it or not, quite fake cheesy. Now in case you are picturing me casually chewing this cricket with a thoughtful look on my face-think again. I don't think I have ever chewed something so fast in my entire life. Also my eyes did tear up because I let myself think about what I was eating when my tongue felt one of its feet or legs. Luckily these crickets are dried or something so there is no guts to squirt in your mouth, no brain matter smeared on your tongue and no eye juices to go pop. (Are you ok? You look like you might feel ill.) Back in December, Sarah and Dave and I went to The Woodsman Tavern here in PDX and they had a dish of fried pork skin dusted in similar cheese dust. I would almost rather eat this cricket. The big miss here other than that it is a cricket is the bacon flavor. This just isn't what bacon tastes like. In my snack travels I really feel like one thing never changes- only bacon tastes like bacon. Anything bacon flavored is weird and icky. So I did it. I got the cricket down. I looked my opponent in his/hers little cheese covered face and I said......ok that didn't happen. I give this snack a 2-Go to a new restaurant. Make a new dish. Walk a different way home. Change anything even a little. You will live.-out of 5.

So I did it. I ate a bug. Big deal.

Well to me it is a big deal. I didn't particularly want to eat it. But I knew I could. For this blog and for you I did. Yet none of this would have been possible without my family and friends. So thank you for taking a second out of your life to read this from the beginning till the end. Now I am going to turn on the t.v. and become passive again. (JK. I am so not. I am going to make dinner for my lady. #SheIsTheBest)

(*I promise none of the rhyming will appear in any feature posts.)

Thursday, March 1, 2012

.FOOrD BLOOrG. I need a quick fix!!!

There are some inventions and advancements that humans have created that have made our everyday existences better. Well, maybe the ideas I am referring to have made life easier. I mean I am not talking about vaccines for the sick or foot fetish chat rooms for people who work in Payless shoes. (Come on, that is a fair judgement. Have you been in one? You know that new car smell that people love about new cars? Well, Payless shoes has that "New Poverty" smell. It doesn't matter what city you are in. If there are three people in there: 1-only drinks Magnum malt liquor, 1-carries a purse only for their carton of smokes, and 1-believes they have literally seen sasquatch and is not there to by shoes, they just want to talk about it while their feet get touched. It is a dark place.)

No, I am talking about inventions like when a person was eating fistfuls of granola and dropping them all over their hemp pants and like oats were getting stuck in their arm pit hair and the now non-existant dried strawberries have fad into the dirt they were wallowing in. That person then having the epiphany to make a granola bar. That way they could even eat it between sun salutations and hug circles. You know, a good invention. 

However some ideas and their execution are not always perfect. There really is a wide margin for error and even if you do it correct there is still the question of "is it even necessary?" Case in point: at 7-11 you can get nacho chips and pump nacho cheese on them or on a shelf below that you can find nacho cheese flavored Doritos. Wtf? That is just a nacho chip with fake nacho flavor air brushed on. (I guess I shouldn't say fake nacho flavor because that is implying that 7-11 nachos are the O.N.-original nacho) My point is-do people buy the Doritos because they are less messy to eat on the go? Possibly. Side note: if you are buying a one sitting soda drink that has as many ounces as an average waist size you might need to look at your priorities. I am just saying.

Now with this questionable rant in mind, lets enter the mouth of snackness! (Shameless attempt to self promote my blog to those already reading it. #pointless)

Oh yeah! Who hasn't wanted to tell their kid "Shut up and suck on your blood bag!" or "Isn't there a blood bag you could be sucking?" and have it be somewhat ok. Well some daydreamer has made this a reality! This product was purchased at a candy store in Long beach WA. I first saw it and thought that it was most likely just a crappy novelty. However I kept walking back by it and eventually it won me over with charm. How much was it? Well I will have you know that it costs $2.25 to purchase a blood bag on which to suck. Cheaper than a real one I guess. In most markets. (One time my friend Devin told us that there is a restaurant in Portland Oregon that if you order a certain item on the menu they bring you a baby. Not a cooked baby. A live baby. Now I never found out what restaurant he was talking about but it has probably closed....and reopened as a food cart.)

Sure there are many liquid candy options but this is the first I have had in a fake blood bag. What does it taste like? Fake blood. Strawberry flavored fake blood. Is it fun to suck out of a blood bag? You'd think. If you are like me (god help you) then you'd think this would be pretty great. Sadly it mostly tastes like plastic bag punctuated by slimy with sweet strawberry notes. Pleasant? Not entirely. While trying it I just kept thinking of the man at the candy store who had some of the worst social skills. I mean all day he makes fudge and chocolates and taffy all while watching people come in and buy gummy rats and over the hill jelly beans. How insulting. That is like a cobbler choosing to work at a Payless shoes. (Yea, I brought it back. I guess I don't have a sole. *That is poor wordplay for soul) He was so cold it was as if I was doing him a disservice by buying something which directly interrupted his fudge packing. What? He was packing these expensive boxes of fudge. This guy though had less eye contact and human warmth than the average serial killer and ebbed more "I wanna make a skin dress out of you." than the average serial killer. Win win right? Who wouldn't want caramel turtles made by his-who knows where they've been hands? Me? No thanks. I will just be sitting in the corner sucking my safely packaged blood bag thanks. At this point I thought the bag was over shadowing the blood so I poured it out on the plate.

Suddenly it seemed kinda brown. This change was a slight turn off. Plus, without the bag it just felt like I forgot my popsicle was sitting on this plate and it melted. So this is a clear case of novelty. If I was a kid and my parents gave me the two and a quarter to buy whatever I wanted and this was my choice.... I'd feel robbed and cry in the toolshed. (This is a hypothetical situation where the child in question's family has a rather quaint toolshed. A toolshed complete with a crying chair. Side note- In my head, all tool sheds have a crying chair. I have never been in one but if all there is in there is tools I would need somewhere to cry out of sheer boredom) I mean that kid is watching his brother eat Laffy Taffy and he has this sick blood bag to suck. Unfair. I say go all the way with the product. Why not a candy syringe that you fill with the blood and inject into your mouth? Or at least a licorice tube that you can i.v. that shizzle straight into your flavor vein. (For the record I find "flavor vein" quite off putting of both flavors and veins.) I give this a 1-does anyone realize that there are scanners at cash registers because somebody somewhere was pissed like "it is sooo hard to reach in my wallet and then have to remove a card!" "Why can't a laser just scan my pocket with questionable health consequences thus allowing me an extra 3 seconds that I will waste later while not finding something to watch on t.v.-out of 5.

Whew. When was the last time you thought "Man, this energy drink full of weird chemicals is good but I just wish it was in my lungs?" If that was your wonder or worry then fret not little one because Aeroshot is here! Yeah. Who wants liquids with their stimulants. Drinking is for lame-o's. Hell, even energy pills pretty much require a liquid to wash them down. Now you can be like a real drug addict and huff your energy. That process must feel rewarding right? Not at all like you have made some bad decisions and it has all come down to this. Yep. When you are on the go and need that junkie feeling, Aeroshot.

Dave found this for me and I am glad he did. It is unlike anything I have tried. Did I like it? Was it effective? Does it make you cool? The answer to almost all of those questions is revealed below in one word.

First of all, look at those instructions. This doesn't seem ok. If you have any sense you will see that this appears highly suspicious. I mean if a person in a dark alley was like "here is a needle of herion it will really f*ck you up" I wouldn't do it but I'd at least respect him for being on the level. This situation however feels like a trick. You know saying though "You only live once so you should definitely do everything especially if it feels like it should be illegal." That is the saying right?

Upon putting the chap stick looking device in my mouth I began puffing on it. This felt just as I had imagined both silly and dubious. The sensation was kind of like breathing in dust. Dust and wafts of energy drink smell. Enjoyable is not a word I would use to describe this exchange. Not to mention, this has to look weird. You would need a place to hide and huff this energy shot which makes it far less practical than one of those 5 hour energy things or maybe a delicious espresso shot. Yeah. I love coffee! Why would I do this instead of coffee? Hell, I drank a shot of espresso just to get the taste of the Aero Shot out of my mouth. I even thought about snorting the espresso in hopes that it would get it out of my lungs. I didn't even feel anything from the Aero Shot. The only sensation I had was a slight light headedness from huffing a chap stick container in my kitchen while hoping I didn't wake my napping wife. Trust me, you don't want anyone witnessing you in this moment of shame.

I give this thing a 0-you know someone has seen those cereal bars with the "milk" coating on the bottom and they are now trying to invent a lunch version. Like spaghetti bar! Just wadded noodles with a sauce coating.-out of 5.

Lastly today we have Quick Blast Sour Candy Spray. Now I will tell you upfront that I am not a fan of these spray candies. Why? Because it always makes my mouth feel like I ate candy but didn't actually get the enjoyment of eating said candy. This treat was a gift from our same friends that gave me the candy toilet. They gave me two flavors to try: Cherry Splash and Green Apple Burst. I decided to try the first of the two for today's post. Before we get to how that went lets look at a side view.

Oh I see. It is supposed to look like a mini fire extinguisher. Of course. That is what every kid wants. Right? Not me. I don't care what you shape the container like I don't want anything to blast in my face. I don't want it to squirt in my face. I don't want it to mist in my face. Pretty much any measurement of wetness and my face is an unsavory combination. Would I use this in public? No. This coming from a guy who proudly sat in his work break room dipping a tiny candy plunger into a tiny plastic toilet and eating it. Nobody needs to see anyone flavor blasting. Period.

That being said, the flavor is delicious. The thing that really seals the deal for me is that it isn't just tart. This product has sweetness and sour notes. Believe it or not there are both berry and citrus elements that are quite well balanced. Would I rather eat a Sweetart? Yes. But that isn't what we are talking about here. This is a solid item that if "blasts" in your face are your thing than go buy this! I wouldn't get this again but I can't condemn it for being a good thing that just isn't for me. What they did here-they did right and they have earned a 4-How is there not a hipster pant that just comes on a roll. It has built in feet and an elastic band- you pull it up and then vacu-seal the pants in order to get the ultimate skin tight situation. I mean that must exist judging on the human crevices we witnessed in NY-out of 5.

(Side note-Human Crevices is my new indie band.)