Thursday, December 29, 2011

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Something to chew on. (end of the year edition)

Well, here we are. The end of another year. A time when many people reflect on 365 days of happenings and look ever onward to another hopeful year of bounty and change. (Or they just get drunk and try to open mouth kiss someone at midnite) New years has always been odd to me. When you are a kid you just want to stay up late. Then you get older and you just want the champagne. Then you get older and you just want to stay home. However there are a quadrant of people who make resolutions and plan life changes and the such. I know, sounds exhausting. Now I am not one of those people but last year I made one. I decided to wear more grey and acid washed denim. It worked out nicely. Sure I didn't lose 15 lbs or save orphans or learn to skydive. (Technically everyone knows how to skydive since you are really just falling. Lets be honest, gravity is doing most of the work.) But I digress, with all this mulling over of things this seems a fitting time to return to the snack that takes time to break down, gum.

Oh, a two-fer! Well, half of this doesn't sound vomit-licious. First up today we have popcorn and cola flavored gumballs. This was a gift from Dave I think. I was happy to see that it says "2 flavors" as I think combined it would be way worse.

Yes. It looks like everything is in order here. Brown must be cola and yellow must be poopcorn. (Oops, sorry about that.) The balls have very little scent. There is a slight popcorn odor, however. I decided to warm up to the challenge by chewing the cola gum first.

Nothing. Really bland. Not even overtly sweet. I have had some amazing cola gum from Japan. This is not amazing or great or good or even ok. I thought this would be one of the high notes of this post. Boy was I wrong. Now on to -gulp- popcorn.

UGH. It tastes like popcorn. Like buttery-cinema popcorn! Why??? Who on this planet was eating popcorn and thought "I wish I had some gum for when I finish this popcorn so I can just keep this popcorn thing going." Sick!!!!!

Ok, now together.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! blarg! URP. Blech!!!! Who would want this??? Sweet, buttery, corn flavor..... Oh no. I feel noxious. I need to lay down or eat a pepto bismol factory.

I give this "treat" a .5- i will watch every Shirley Temple movie and try to eat less carbs-out of 5.

Ah. Sarah brought me the next three entries and they all hail from Japan. Oh Japan, you wonderful land of candy which I find far superior to my homeland. (Not you, Sweetarts. I love you.) The first of the three is peach and it hails from the Bourbon company. I won't go into the history of the company but if you want to know:

I have tried a few of their products and they have been pretty solid. This gum is no exception. It is peach.  Upon unwrapping it you are hit with a pungent sweet peach perfume. The smell reminds me of buying peach-o's as a kid. You know, when you could walk up to the counter and open the plastic tub of them and use crappy plastic tongs to retrieve the peach flavored gummy. The flavor is solid and peach-tastic but as with most stick gum, the flavor dissipates far too quickly. I mean why keep chewing it if the flavor goes away? Why not just make it candy? Is there someone that is thinking "I like candy but I don't like swallowing the candy. I'd like the sweetness and at the same time create more waste." Why not just skip the gum and flavor the wrapper? Then you just chew on the paper and spit it out. Actually why don't we flavor every recyclable material and then the homeless can eat and help the planet at the same time? No?
Well not all my ideas can be good ones. I give this snack a 3- I am going to learn tap dance and morse code-out of 5.

Next up is Grape. Possibly my favorite flavor of candy from Japan. They just do it so very right. This one, however, is a bit more american in flavor style. In what way? First off, it smells like Hubba Bubba grape gum. Yeah. Which is pretty rad. Then there is the taste. Totally like the smell. This business is just like classic grape hubba bubba gum only in stick form. That part is a shame because the smooshy pillowy goodness of hubba bubba is part of the pleasure factor. That aside, this sh*t is delicious. In fact I am chewing three pieces right now and I am in grape heaven. Downside: flavor fades after 3 minutes. Upside: that is like 3 minutes in heaven. (Not the game where you try to get to 3rd bass in a dark closet. And not the 3rd bass that rapped about pop goes the weasel.) I give this snack a 4.5- I am going to jog a marathon and only eat raw foods.......and judge EVERYONE!-out of 5.

I feel like I have covered this. Maybe not. So here we have classic Lotte Ginseng gum. Another in the stick variety. My amazing wife found this for me and it smells like dirt. (That isn't her fault but seriously it smells like dirt.) It smells kind like if you put ben gay on your hand and then stuck your hand in dirt and then smelled it. Yea, it smells like earth medicine. (my new hippie jam band) Which I guess makes sense since ginseng is medicinal and from the earth. The taste is like the earth. Really earthy. I cannot stress that enough. Did I saw earthy yet? EARTHY. Yeah, wow. Ok after about a minute of earthyness there is a bit of sweetness and ginsengness. Overall, not my favorite thing. Pretty far from my favorite. (earthy) See here is my problem: it isn't bad but I like my ginger and ginseng items to not be sweet. Just give me the raw power of those things. You don't need to go and make everything super sweet. I give this gum a 2-I am going to travel the world with google earth-out of 5.

Ok. Lastly we have Mastic. Sarah and I found this at an ethnic grocery. I think it was Lebanese. I think. This gum is quite interesting. You can read all about the health benefits by clicking on this link.

Alas I am no doctor. I just want to eat it. It has no scent at all. Biting into it there is a slight sweetness as the candy shell crackles between your teeth. The from within its center comes a raging earthyness. Wait. Seriously? More earthyness? Come on!

As can be expected from something that fights stomach ulcers and kills bacteria on your teeth: it sucks to eat it. It is not good. So that you don't have to buy this and try it simply go outside and dig up something with a root. Now put that dirty root in your mouth. Mmmmmm. Now go wash out your dirty root mouth.
 I give this snack a 1-I am going to spend more time with family and quit drinking...maybe not-out of 5.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


Well, either to your delight or dismay the holiday season is upon us. For me, it is to much delight. I like to spend my time doing nice things for people I care about. It makes me feel good to do whatever that is. It could be something as simple as making a mix for someone or drawing something that I hope they get a smile or a chortle out of. (Yea, I look forward to chortles.) So a season pretty much about showing someone that you thought about them is pretty dope to me. Sure people say it is about different faiths, Coca-Cola, consumerism, greed or any other thing. To me it is simply an ok to do something nice without people getting weird about it. So if you believe it is a time for those other things than we shall just agree to disagree. (Fine by me because I have been drawing pictures of you with ginormous shoulders. I give them to my friends and they chortle about your freakish shoulders.) Well, enough jibber jabber lets us feast upon snacks!!!

Todays rating scale is brought to you by: not the best ways to say you care.

Ok so Sarah and I found this at Fubon. I am not familiar with mangosteen. It looks like something from a b-movie that would open and a ghoulie or paper mache alien would crawl out. It was like 1.99 or so for a bag (like 30 pieces) so I thought why not give it a try.

The candy is small and rectangular. Pretty darn cute if you ask me.  I opened it up and it looks like a taffy. I thought this was more of a hard candy deal but whatever. For a second I was thinking this was in the Durian family so I expected a fart smell. Luckily no fart smell. Instead it smelled like muscat or really perfumed grapes. The texture was quite hard at first and then it kinda became taffy like. By kinda, I mean it affixed itself to my teeth and was not going to go quietly into my gullet. This wasn't bad though since the flavor was much like the smell. Fruity and sweet. (not unlike myself) Quite fine with the exception of the possible dental damage. This could have been far worse had it gone down the fart road. (Dear lord, I do not pray often but if you could please make sure I never go down the fart road. Thanks.)

I give this treat a 4-you bought me a book about how to give good foot massages-out of 5.

Um. Ok so what is this? Lets check the back.

What the???

Huh. I honestly haven't had any Turkish candy to my knowledge. I looked up the word "peber" and it means pepper. So that sounds pretty good. I see the back of the bag has a heating scale so this could really be fun. Like a spicy cough drop. Do those exist? They should. Lets toss one in the ole hatch. (hmm)

Oh dear god no. Ick. ARGH......the humanity. BAHHHHHHH!!!! ugh.

(5 minutes and a cup of coffee later)

That went well.

So upon further inspection this product is black licorice flavored and has pepper in the center along with ammonium chloride. The latter ingredient is what makes black licorice taste salty and astringent. Ok, so here is the breakdown of my experience.

I put it into my mouth and it tasted buttery kind of. Then it began waves of black licorice flavor. I don't like black licorice. I REALLY don't like black licorice. So this product might be great for you but for me it couldn't be much worse unless it was served in a vinegar soaked used sock. As for the center, I didn't get there. Remember when that owl on the tootsie pop commercial was all like "how many licks..1,2,3" and then he bit it? My experience here was like that only it involved gagging and spitting into the trash instead of a tootsie center. (I was dressed like an owl that had somehow gotten a questionable college education somewhere. I mean, seriously it is  hard for people to get into programs and become professors and somehow this owl did? And yet he is stumped by a candy?..He is like "I can't wrap my educated owl brain around what is happening on this stick. Good thing I will have a chance to inspect it again when I vomit it back up since I have no,.what were we talking about?)

The thing about this snack and others like it (chili rokkas) is that while it isn't for me, I know that there are people who love it. Half the time I share my snacks after these posts my friends or coworkers love whatever it is I didn't like. But here, In the Mouth of Snackness, I rate these eaties. I give this snack a .5- Oh, a book of daily inspirational quotes. Thank you, I know right where I want to shove this...I mean "put" it.-out of 5.

Ok, WTF. (This is about the shoulders comment isn't it?) Creamy corn candy? Ugh. OK. I can't blame anyone else. I saw this when we got the mangosteen candy and the sheer grossness required me to buy it. Let me just say that I had a bad feeling buying it and a worse feeling putting it up to my mouth.

Oh man. It smelled like I remember that corn that people buy to go fishing. Have you smelled that? It is rank. Like hobo halitosis rank. Like if corn ate corn while drinking milk and then vomited corn into your hair dryer and then you dryed your hair with the corn puke dryer while you snorted a packet of splenda. (you know, like that.) I put this into my mouth and oh no. Bad. The first thing you taste is a sweetness quickly and I cannot stress that enough, followed by the creamy corn flavor. I could not get this out of my mouth fast enough. This is so disgusting it seems like a practical joke. Played on my mouth by someone who is about to be drawn with gargantuan shoulders. The thing is, I do this to myself. Poor weird me. At least I was smart enough to not bite the taffy for if it had adhered to my teeth I would have up chucked for sure. (You know, blow chunks, bark at ants, bring it up for a vote, urp, spill stomach soup, vorbal the chibbits....Ok I don't think that last one was real.)

I give this snack a 0-Oh you bought me a bike pump. Why does it say Penis on it?-out of 5.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this post and the holiday season. If you are one of those people who likes to humbug and go against the grain just to be miserable. I am sorry. I hope someday you choose to just be open to the kindness of people. Sometimes people need a designated time to think of others and it is ok to be thought about. At least look at it this way, being mad often and being a curmudgeon is hard on your heart and stressful. Let's face it, we all don't live forever. Try to enjoy your time here because when you are dead you are dead and all that is left is a coffin. A weird shaped coffin in order to fit your HUGE expansive ungodly shoulders.

And good will to everyone.

Monday, November 28, 2011

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Chomp Chompin' Chipies!!!!

The shape and the order of the thing is in constant shift within the world of food. Here is a scenario: "Hey people, do you like pumpkin pie?" People answer in crotchety old man voice "Yes, but I am soooo tired of having to chew it and I always want ice cream too but my freezer is filled with sea bass!" Our solution: "Well why not drink pie? Here is a pumpkin shake!" Then all those people (with weird old man voices) rejoice "Y-A-Y!" And scene.

Here is another scenario: "I like eating fresh fruit but it is SOOOO hard to keep buying it at the store and then it just gets bruised and yucky." (Actual testimony by Tyler Wauldrup the first 2 year old stock broker.)
"Well Tyler, how about fruit that is ground up and then coated in sugar and squished into a bar form?" His response "Y-a-y! I go boom boom!" (We should have edited that last part. I am sorry.)

Now in both those scenarios one could argue that by changing the shape and order of the item it becomes more easily transportable. That is true. But it also changes it into something else. Somebody had to do tricky things to those initial ingredients and take things away and add things to them. You aren't really drinking just pie and ice cream or eating "real" fruit, in most cases. So I bought some chips also known as chippy chorps, chip chips, or eat crunch crunch flats and here are the results.

First up we have this product which I have no idea what it is called. I bought it at Fubon on a recent trip with my amazing wife. This picture isn't great I know but it shows the only english on the front.  Sarah found these and I thought "What a good idea. I will eat healthier at lunch time if I have dried fruit." Then I thought "Was Howard the Duck really too groovy for gravy and too precious for pate?" When I returned from deep thought, we had bought the chips.

Ooooh! Those look healthy and delicious! Don't they? Well it is a good thing that they didn't pluralize the fruits on the front because there was one strawberry chip. Yeah. One. There was like 59 banana chips and a bunch of either jackfruit or apple. I have no idea what jackfruit looks or tastes like and I ate it. I think. Look right there in the front. I am pretty sure that isn't apple. The problem here is that everything kind of tasted like apple or banana or both. Then there is the issue of texture, which here, everything had the crunch of astronaut ice cream. Which made me think perhaps this isn't fruit anymore. Sure I have had dried fruit in cereals and things but this stuff was really dry and had a strange powdery outside. Like maybe a chemical had dried it. Now I am not putting this snack down. I am just saying, I have some questions. (Other than the one about Howard the Duck.) I give this snack a 3-cookie dough squeeze tube called "cookie squirts" Now you can have cookies in a tube. when a friend says"oh man i got cookie crumbs all over my clothes. You can say, "Not me, I have cookie squirts."-out of 5.

Next we have Cassava chips. Now if you aren't familiar with Cassava, you might be more familiar with yuca. Which is what it is. Huh. Same thing. It is a starchy thing that is the third largest source of carbs in the tropics. So with that in mind, what a great thing to turn into a chippy chorp. But wait, if this is just another carb then why not just eat a potato chip? Well, it is all natural. Wait, isn't a potato all natural? Um, yes. But this has only 140 calories (per small amount that nobody actually stops eating chips at.)
So it has the same amount as the average "healthy" chip or "baked" chip. Lets take a look.

Well they are quite pretty. They have little aroma. Perhaps a touch of sweet notes rather than the salt I can usually detect from a bag of chips that are said to be "salty". The crunch is satisfying but the flavor is kinda mundane. I mean, look, you want to eat better? Take an actual vegetable in your lunch. A carrot has a great crunch and if you dip it in then it will have awesome flavor. But if you are going to eat chips and think healthy...that is a different thing. Lets face it, in the end you ate 3-500 calories of something that you didn't enjoy as much as the real thing. So are these crunch crunch flats bad? Not at all. They taste like a yam with some cayenne on it that was maybe lightly fried or maybe baked. I give it a 3-A new snack sponsered by hip hop artists. It is nuts ground into a powder that is then sprinkled on shredded jerky. You eat it like people use chew. Just tuck it into your lip and let it slowly give you sustenance for up to an hour. When your co-workers say "man, I am dragging. Must be low blood sugar." You can reply "Not me, I have Yo-Nuts in my mouth."-out of 5.

Lastly we have this. I have no idea what this is called. I had to by it because it had a chicken screaming, it looks like the chip is shaped like a chicken leg, and there is a chef and a safari hunter double high fiving while they cry. (The latter being something I have always wanted to see. My bucket list just got shorter.) If you can believe it, this only cost 2 dollars. Yeah, I kinda want to frame it. But wait, it gets better.

Oh what? There is a cartoon inside the box?!? Of my favorite scene where the safari hunter (ok, he has to be the worst safari hunter if he is after a chicken. A chicken.) has a stick with a hand on it and he goes to a gun store guy that totally wants a chicken. The gun store guy is like "hey how about you try a gun?" and the safari dude is like "I don't know. This stick with a hand on it has been working pretty nicely."and the gun store guy is like "Oh yeah? what have you killed?" and the safari dude is like "Um, if by killed you mean slapped the hell out of with a stick with a hand on it...... 2 kittens and a diabetic gorilla..... but the last one may have been a dream."

That it what I imagine is happening anyway.

Yes!!! The chips are shaped like chicken legs!!!! (There were more than three in the bag.) So I can pretend I am eating fried chicken with my sandwich at lunch?!? Awesome. Kind of. The only problem I have with this snack is that fried chicken is too hard to approximate the taste of. That being said, I have no idea if that is the idea behind this snack. So we have a corn puff shaped like a chicken leg with a slight chicken in a biscuit taste (but far less creepy tasting) with a touch of cayenne for heat. Obviously this is intended for kids so the heat scale won't be super hot. I sometimes forget that when I am looking at these snacks. That whole intended audience thing. If I was a kid (kinda am) I'd want this. I'd buy it for a kid just to watch them wtf their way thru it. I give this snack a 4.5-Do you like gravy but can't find the time to make it? Well how about gravy pouch? Simply fill the insulated pouch with your choice of stock and add one teaspoon of thickener and seal it up and drop it in your pocket. Then go on your usual one mile jog and when you are done, so is the gravy! The next time a family member says "Gladis, this gravy is to die for. Is it store bought?" You can proudly exclaim "No, I made my own gravy. In my pants."-out of 5.

*All grading scale ideas are of my own mind and trademarked accordingly. Any intent on stealing these gems will result in a ton of voodoo rituals and general bad mouthing.

P.s. Don't buy stocks from Tyler. So far I am in 500 dollars to something called momma and dadda.

Monday, November 21, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. Bevies for a Barfly.

A friend of mine was recently telling me that he has an immense fear of metamorphosis. Yeah, you read that right. Like human into werewolf or Wilford Brimley into The Thing or caterpillar into butterfly. (Maybe not the last one so much.) In particular, the scene in 'An American Werewolf in London' really messed him up. The idea of bones stretching and bodies rearranging their order terrifies him. When he told me of this I was stunned. I had never thought of those types of transformations as scary in a real sense. Perhaps the idea of all the changes happening fast is where part of his fear lies. I am not sure. What I do know is that I also share this fear. Only the metamorphosis that I fear is a long drawn out process simply referred to as 'growing up'.

Don't worry, I am not freaked out or anything because there is a very good chance that at my age now I would have grown up some. I think it is safe to say that a candy loving, cartoon drawing, funny face making, silly dancing, strange voice talking, toy playing individual such as myself, might be impervious to such afflictions of the mind. Only time will tell. My words to you, dear friends, is fight it! Fight back with all your might! Build a fort in your living room. Fill out some Mad Libs. Wear your halloween costume anytime you want. Tell someone every single detail of something that they don't care about. (Pokemon) Tell anyone to watch you do something. (Jump off a chair or click your heels together or both) Ask your co-worker "how tall is your dad?"...then reply "Mine is taller." Eat too much candy. (Yeah, like that is possible.) You can do it! Remember your youth and pay it the respect it deserves. There are too many adults stressed out in the world already. But hey, since you are an adult, there is one popular way to relieve those stresses. Hiking. Oh, wait I meant drinking.
So first we have a chocolate pumpkin stout with cocoa nibs, cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg. This beverage came from The Belmont Station in PDX. There were a few different pumpkin beers to choose from and this one was the most expensive. At least that is how I remember it. It cost around 9.50 or so. I thought that it seemed like a special bevvy worthy of a post and I waited for the next time Dave came over. It is fall and they did take the time to metamorphosize a pumpkin into a beer. Luckily my wife (Sarah) was having a birthday gathering that weekend so I knew Dave (and any of our friends who are really awesome) would be coming over soon.

This son of a gun was dark and powerful. A little goes a long way for someone like myself. I mean, I will usually have one full flavor beer and then transition into lighter beer. (metamorphosis of beverage intake) So about four or six ounces of this was all I needed. Flavor wise it was full and deep with some spice notes but nothing like the label says. (Again, it could be my ignorant tongue. It is just so very stupid.) Dave also said that he didn't taste some of the spices. Maybe that is the point. A smooth blend without stand out prominence of spice. But I kind of doubt it. My guess is that the brew out weights the bouquet. . . brewquet. (see what I did there?) I would say, if you are interested in any aspect of this label or just dark beer then you should try it. Just find a buddy or two and make a memory. I give this beverage a 3-draw a picture of your house and who lives there in crayons-out of 5.

Up next we have cyder. But not any cider. This one is an Asian Pear cyder. (Huh, those three short sentences were meant to be epic. I don't think that worked out for me. I should probably erase them or at least stop narrating to you about them.) We were recently over at Sarah and Dave's elders home and Emm had this hard cyder which he busted out for us to try. I like his style. Always have.  Share your treats peeps. Share your treats. (Unless your treat is a Peep. Those things are grotesque. Grotesque is an adult way of saying 'I'd rather eat poo farts.)

Where was I? Oh yes, so Emm opened his cyder and we all had a taste. Frankly, it tasted like apple cyder. Sarah thought so and I agree. We didn't taste much pear at all. However, Dave and Emm totally did. Which is something I often find. What one person enjoys, another detests. It is like a natural balance in the world. I mean if everyone liked Sweetarts then the world would run out and I would have to be quite perturbed. (Perturbed is adult speak for throwing yourself onto the ground and flailing your limbs and screaming words that nobody can make out until you accidentally hit your heel on something and then you are really crying and can only feel foolish because you secretly knew this whole tantrum wasn't going to result in you getting what you want in the first place.) 

Was this a bad cyder? Nope. Yet, it wasn't mind blowing either. I don't drink a ton of cyders. In fact I had a cyder a week ago and it was the first one I have had in a decade or so. I will say this though, the one I had a week ago was syrupy and coated my mouth with not greatness. This did not. It was light and fruity and not overly sweet. I give this beverage a 3.5- jump on your bed and sing into a hair brush-out of  5. 

Holy smokes. (Where did that saying come from? Did jesus have his own tobacco line at some time?) Well, we have come full circle with this whole metamorphosis post. We end with a beer called "MORPHO'  which is brewed with yerba mate, hibiscus flowers and bay leaves. I came across this beer when Sarah and I were on that same trip to Belmont Station. Pretty much anytime I see a beer brewed with herbs I have to get it. So I did and then, once again, when Dave and our good pal Caleb were over I opened it up and we gave it a taste.

Weird. Is a simple way to wrap it up. The beer is a light amber color and smooth at first. Then the mate and herbs come to the party. The herbs are the last to leave the party which isn't terrible but it is thought provoking. I found myself contemplating each drink. Just sitting and thinking about what was happening on my taste buds. That is when Caleb dropped some "real" on me. He said "Oh man, this would be great with lemonade." I had never even thought of it as an ingredient but he was totally right. Buy this beer and share it with friends. It is well made and quite interesting. (I couldn't drink more than a glass.) Then mix it in a glass 70% Morpho and 30% lemonade (I like my lemonade like I like to dress- as fresh as possible). The result is a refreshing, herbaceous, tart beverage. Yum. Who doesn't love lemon and herbs right? (A kid would tell you that 'buttfaces don't.')....(and he'd be right.) I give this meta-MORPHO-sis a 4-get up on a chair and tell everyone around you that the floor is lava-out of 5.

It looks more red because of the red bottom on the glass. Oops.

Monday, November 14, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. Ordinary Coffee Blog Post.

"Harry, I am going to let you in on a little secret. Everyday, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it. Don't wait for it. Just let it happen. It could be a new shirt at the men's store, a cat nap in your office chair or two cups of hot black coffee. Like this."- Dale Cooper

Truer words have rarely been spoken. Not only am I a huge fan of treating ones self but I am an immense fan of coffee. In fact, our home has not one but many ways of creating coffee. Ranging from the espresso machine, cold extract, or the french press. To the old fashioned coffee pot or percolator. While I may like to make coffee in many ways I take it only one way.
"I like my coffee black just like my metal."-J. Urine

This is my most expensive post ever!!!!!! (In theory)

Technically speaking the second half was a gift but we will get to that.

First we need to discuss this-

Incase you didn't know, David Lynch has a coffee that you can buy online. Luckily I have an awesome wife, who with the help of some wine, bought this coffee even though the shipping was more than the coffee. I don't care about that. Treat yourself, right?

This could be tricky, I mean what if it isn't even coffee. What if you get it and a one eyed dove hobbles out of the box and bums a cigarette from you. You couldn't really return it because in some transcendental way that "is" David Lynch coffee. We don't know. I mean the dude paints with rotting meat. (By the way, he just released a full album and it is really a doozy. Check it out!) My point is that between Sarah and I we have many of his various ventures and the collection wouldn't be complete with out the cup of joe. We have had many late night conversations with friends about his films and symbolism and what not. So one would expect that his coffee would be a bit different. And that one would be right.

How does it taste?

"I've had I don't know how many cups of coffee in my life, but this is one of the best." -Dale Cooper

That is a quote about another coffee. This coffee was not the best. Nor did it taste like there was a fish in the percolator. Oddly enough, get this, it tasted like an espresso roast IF it was diner coffee. Right??? What??? So close your eyes a moment and think back to how true diner coffee tastes. Ponder it. Now transcend that with a touch of dark espresso lurking in the back of your mouth like Bob was lurking behind the bed. Seriously, that is what it tastes like. If you want, come on over and we will brew some and watch Mulholland Drive. Then we can discuss the significance of lamps and how to catch ideas like fish.

I give this beverage a 3.5 "I do not introduce the log." -Log Lady- out of 5.
What is that you say? Well let me start at the beginning: I grew up in a small town. I never had a billion friends. I wasn't the popular kid. I was (and am) a small little guy who liked candy, toys, and movies. I met my life friend Aaron at a very early age. We had similar interests and height and soon were best of pals. For a few years it was just us against the far larger world. We scurried about talking of ninjas and monsters until we met Devin, Ryan, and Clovis. We became the crew. You know how in Stand By Me, how the whole thing is this flash back to his pals when they were little? When I do that, those are this kids I see. So now we are all grown up and doing our own things. But from time to time we reconnect and that is always great. Now I didn't see Clovis. But Aaron did. He went on a fishing trip and Clovis is a guide down in Eugene. Well Aaron mentioned that I have this little food blorg and soon I received this mysterious package.
Within it was this-
Oh coffee. That is cool. I wonder why there is a cat monkey on the bag.... Oh what!!!! Yep. My childhood pal Clovis mailed us Kopi Lewak. Which is the most expensive coffee on the planet!!!!
Yeah! Another interesting thing about this coffee is that a tree dwelling cat-like creature (like me) in Southeast Asia eats the ripest red coffee beans and then poops out the seeds which are then collected and processed and sold as Kopi Lewak. Yup.

(Don't look up pictures of palm civits. They are not cute.)
So the beans just look like plain old coffee beans and once ground it just smelled like plain old coffee.
Now to the taste. Well. Luckily, for my wallet, I wouldn't say it is incredible. We both (S and I) took a sip and sat puzzled for a bit. The funny thing about this point is that what were we doing was most likely taking all that we knew about the process and the oddness and incorporate that into what we were tasting. It was earthy smelling and earthy tasting but the taste was missing something. Was that because it was tree cat poop coffee? No, that isn't it. What had me perplexed was that it was a light roast. (who does a light roast on cat poop coffee? I know.) We both usually drink dark roasts. With that in mind we sipped again. It was pleasant, light, and earthy. You should most likely take my word for it because Sarah said that there are restaurants that sell it for 50 dollars a cup. Yeah, I started my Saturday off with 100 dollars worth of coffee. Did you? Well, go back and read that quote at the top of this post because you know what? You deserve it. Yes my friend, you deserve to drink a beverage brewed in a cats intestine. Pat your self on the back. I give this treat experience a 4- "styrofoam never dies as long as you live"- Andy-out of 5.

*Lastly a final thanks to my wonderful wife and my dear friends. Thank you for being part of my life and weird interests. You make my life far more richer and sometimes stranger in all of the bestest of ways.

Now if you will excuse me, Leo needs a new pair of shoes.....

Monday, November 7, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. Got(h) Milk?

Ok, once again I am apologizing for my extended absence. It was my intention to post every week in the last month but with the art show on the 15th I was really busy and then since then I was waiting on a special piece of equipment for my most expensive blog ever. Yes, I need a special machine for that post and I thought I'd have it by now. I don't so this isn't that most expensive post. Don't fret however, it is on its way. So are we okay? There has been some distance between us but lets move forward. Deal?

So today we are going to look at some products that involve milk. First things first, I think milk is creepy. I don't like to drink it. I don't like to cook with it. I don't put it on cereal. I mean if somebody said to you "Good Morning, would you like a glass of fluid that has been squeezed from another species nipples?" I would hope you'd say no. I think everyone HAS to drink milk as a kid. Parents or grandparents make you. As an adult you can choose and I say no. Yes, I like cheese but that is different. It has mold as well....Hey, quit trying to ruin cheese for me. Let's just keep this moving. Today our 1-5 will be in honor of the things parents make kids do.

Well, what a cool tin! Scho-ka-kola? That sounds fun! Like when an adult talks to a kid like they are completely stupid. "Wood yew lyke sum scho-ka-kola????" I found this when Sarah and I went to Edelweiss here in PDX. They have baked goods, meats, candies etc... Anything you need to feed your Scandanavian mouth. I picked this up and saw that it was nearly 8 dollars and set it down. Later after walking the entire store twice I picked it up again. There was a mystery here that I couldn't leave alone. I asked the lady who was stocking the shelves and she said it was chocolate and caffeine. That was enough for me and I bought it.
As you can see in the picture, the chocolates are in little pie pieces. Well, Dave and Nate came by on Sun. and that seemed like a good time to ambush my pals with some snacks. (snack attack, I know but it seemed too obvious.) So we cracked the tin and dug in.

Oh man. This has to be one of the worst nearly 8 dollars I have spent. Honestly it is weird. At first it tastes almost like chocolate and then right about when you think it is going to be a nice full chocolate flavor it turns into a mouthful of soil. Yep. soil. Nate at first said it was "earthy" but he was being kind. It was straight up a mouthful of dirt. The whole experience was like a rollercoaster of disappointment built on my tastebuds. Even better it lingered for like five minutes. That was when I realized we needed a pallete cleanser. I give this snack a 1-wear clothes you hate for picture day-out of 5.
Ok, before you say anything. I know that is a terrible picture. There are clearer pictures of sasquatch. I am sorry. I don't know what happened. I don't know what to tell you, I will try harder? I will. Sarah and I found this when Dave and Mark went with us to the pumpkin patch. It is a New Zealand company that makes licorice treats of various types. This one is strawberry licorice with a center of white chocolate. You know I don't really care for chocolate but I really don't care for white chocolate. It is creepy. I realize that is the goth calling the chocolate white.... That is a saying right? Or was it something about pot. Nevermind, it isn't important.
See, that picture almost makes it look edible... Anyway, back to sunday. So we had just ingested expensive dirt chocolate and so I tore this open and cut a few pieces off. I figured "How bad could it be?" Now lets just pause for a second and look at what this is. It is licorice that is flavored. Basically a cavity bomb. Then it is stuffed with white chocolate which is also a cavity bomb. I wasn't thinking. (Yes, I have to admit that all the time.) So we all popped them into our mouths and ugh. It really was like a massive sugar explosion. Nate said "he could feel the cavities..." I think he could. Either that or it was the Scho-ka-kola talking. Dave wasn't a big fan but he does follow the L.N.T.B. or Leave No Treats Behind act. So he ate the last piece. I have no recollection of how it tasted. It was a wall of sugar in my mouth. Not good. So Dave and I had a shot of espresso. Seemed like the thing to do. I give this snack a 1-if you don't eat it for dinner you can eat it for breakfast-out of 5.
Lastly we have this. Just look at the packaging. Even though I don't like milk I had to try this. I couldn't pass it up. Plus, I think strawberry milk is even creepier than regular milk. I don't know why. I thought it was rad when I was a kid. Mostly likely because it was different but I also thought the amount of paste, Joey (in elementary school) could eat was impressive. Now in hindsight, not so impressive. Mediocre at best there Joey. Don't quit your day job. (He didn't have a day job, he was 9. Also how am I talking to him in the past? Since when did I get a worm hole? Ewe. I just realized how gross that sounds. It also sounds like a FU from a guy in Jersey. "Hey pal, stuff it in your wormhole!")

So lets take a look at this marvel of technology.
(Ok sasquatch took that picture. It isn't his fault that it is hard to use an iphone with his big stinky sasquatch hands.) So it seems easy enough, just put the straw in the milk and sip. I can do that. With instructions that short I didn't even space off and miss part of the instruction. (Take note of that, rest of my life.)...(hold on I see something shiny)
Wait a second, somebody just melted this straw. I paid 2 dollars and something for 6 melted straws with crumby strawberry things in them? Yep. But how did it taste??? Well, I tried it with soy milk. When we were at an Oriental grocery on 82nd they gave us a free little carton of soy milk. I saved it since I then didn't have to buy milk. So first I had to try soy milk. Then I had to try soy milk with a strawberry straw.

Soy milk- ugh. No thank you. I'd like to stop the experiment please.

Soy milk with strawberry straw- This isn't any better. Also some a-hole melted this straw and put crap in it.

It didn't really taste like strawberry. This was no magic straw. So I thought well it most likely only works with 100% moo juice. I didn't have any. So I thought, maybe the soy milk is getting in the way with all of it's awesome soy milk flavor. (I didn't think that at all.) So I grabbed my glass of sparkling water and another straw. (At this point I was thinking that this was not my best idea.) Then I took a huge swig. . . . . . . .

Actually not that bad. It really did taste like strawberry. I mean, fake strawberry. Kinda like a poorman's italian soda. I guess not so poor if he had to buy a sodastream and expensive melted straws but whatever. (I think I will try gin next.) I give this item a 2-do your chores so you can get an idea of how much having a job is going to suck when you get older-out of 5.

(Note: I am not saying that my parents did or didn't do any of these things. I said "parents" in general.)

Monday, October 3, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. Second Chances Part deux.

Ok, now where were we? Oh yes. Fall and how I love it. (The season, not the action of falling. Although that can be quite hilarious on its own.) Whenever the sun retreats and the grey reigns (eh?) the sky, I scurry (love to scurry) to the closet where I open my seasonal arsenal. It is like that scene in every James Bond movie where the spy has a droor that comes out of the wall and within it is all of his secret weapons and toys. Only in my case it is fingerless gloves, scarves, umbrellas etc... The fall is a time for layers! For closed toe shoes! (YESSSSS!) For candles and fires and red wine! For Cocteau Twins, Joy Division, and This Mortal Coil! For hot coffee! (sometimes) So maybe just maybe you need to let summer go on its merry (all too merry if you ask me) way and give fall a second chance.

Speaking of the ever allusive second chance today we are finishing our chocolate second chance post. Which is great because you aren't going to believe what I have coming up next. (Or maybe you will believe it. I don't know your belief system. Please keep that to yourself. Frankly I am sorry I mentioned it.) So, yes, chocolates. (Today's grading scale will utilize other 2nd chances.)
Up first we have Gummy Choco Apple. This product was found in Fubonn on 82nd here in PDX. Now these snackies were enticing because it has gummy+thin cracker layer+chocolate= WHAT???
Look! That chicken is wearing a chocolate helmet! That is both cool and utterly disgusting! I mean all the chocolate would melt into the feathers. Then the chocolate feathers will attract ants. Oh man what a conundrum. Where did the chicken get that chocolate anyway? I mean I understand that he/she could get the milk from a cow but then to make chocolate and don't get me started on who designed the mold that is perfect for a chicken's head. Also why is that chicken so flippin' angry? Hmmm. I can't answer that but I can tell you how they taste:

Not great.

Oh, you want to know more?! It tastes like a cheap chocolate covered raisin. I couldn't tell there was a cracker layer at all. Which really is fine with me. Sarah thought it was gross and it did remind her of chocolate covered raisins which she hates for reasons that will remain not on this blog. (If you wish to know then you can ask her and she will decide if you are worthy of this knowledge.)

When you bite into it it just becomes this glob of things not working together and it doesn't taste like apple to me at all. I give this "treat" a 1-mayonnaise is still revolting-out of 5.
Yep. Drink that all in. Obviously I didn't take that picture. I let Em open this one and try it when he was over and he desimated the wrapper like he is part badger. (I imagine badgers are quite keen on chocolate.) I guess this product hails from the UK and was Nestles attempt to make a chocolate bar that is just a five piece simple chocolate bar for men. I guess men can't handle nuts in their chocolate...or other flavors. Not like ladies I guess who need tassels and lace on their chocolate...? Yeah, I can't really wrap my head around this candy. It seems sexist or at the very least simply idiotic.
(See! Look at that wrapper! He be a badger I tells ya!)

Now about the flavor... Well, I feel the same way about this chocolate bar as I do about football; not interested. (I wish I cared about football I do. I would get invites to hang with people and cheer and and stuff. But I really have no interest in it. Don't cry for me as the world needs balance and for roughly every 1500 sports fans there needs to be one pale little man drawing pictures of a banana and Eric Stoltz high fiving. This is the burden I must carry.)

It tastes like chocolate. I mean that is all that it is. Boring mediocre chocolate. There is a boat load of fat in there too! I'd say skip this thing and get a Blizzard or a hot fudge sundae. Or eat some fresh hot brownies. (now you want a brownie don't you?) I give this a 1.5-doing sit ups is still a let down-out of five.
Lastly we have Smarties. No, not the chalky awesome tiny candies from America. (That some kids crush and snort. I know, that isn't smart....when you could just buy Pixie Stix) These are organic all natural chocolate candies from the UK. (Thanks Dave!) Just take a gander at the back.
Why not just see how bright these vegetable candies are?
Hmmm. Yeah, I think these look like fake candies. This already doesn't look like 'real' candy. These things look like the candy that some a-hole adult gives a kid because they want them to have "healthy" candy. Look party poopers, it is supposed to be CANDY. Bad for you but tastes so good candy. Don't try to pretend that this is any better for anyone because while the dyes may be from vegetables, all the fat is from the freaking chocolate that you are foolishly consuming because you think this is healthier. It ain't. Those fistfulls of 'vegetables' are just going to sit at your hips like a hobo at a stoplight. They ain't moving. It is there turf now! So don't be a fool and put hobos in your mouth. Wait, I think I lost my analogy somewhere back there.

How does it taste? Bad. Like healthy chocolate bad. Like I hate your parents for making bran carrot cake with no added sugar for my birthday bad. It is not good, bad. The thing is: this isn't healthy. They made a chocolate snack that sucks for no good reason. In fact I would argue that this chocolate tastes like it came from a bulk bin at a Winco. That is right. I said it. This is worse than poor people chocolate or at the least comparable to it. Ouch. I give this snack a 1-chocolate is STILL not my thing-out of five.

So there you have it. Two posts dedicated to giving chocolate a second chance. Some products are alright and even quite enjoyable while others are like bad pranks on your tongue. Hopefully you enjoyed this to some degree. Sarah said this was her least favorite tasting yet today. The next post is going to be one of my favorites. I can't tell you what it is about but I will say this, it will be the most expensive post I will ever do.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. Second Chances Part one.

It feels as though the seasons are shifting. I am extreemly excited about this. You see, this summer I decided to give it a second chance. I believe everyone and everything deserves a second chance. So I said "Summer-here is your second chance. Now do with it what you will."

Turns out summer decided to not change a thing in its program and instead give me the usual. While summer isn't my favorite, the payoff for giving it a second chance is FALL!!! I love everything about fall: cool air, rain, hoodies, heavy blankets, halloween, scarfs, gloves-oh yes this is my season. It is in this time of change that I thought another thing deserved a second chance "Chocolate".

Yes I have said a thousand times that I don't really care for chocolate BUT a lot of other people do. So for them, Sarah and I will embark on a 2 part blorg all about chocolates from around the world. The first part also features the palette of a mysterious distinguished gentleman whom we shall refer to as Emmett. (cuz that is his name...)
Ok here is a Curly Wurly. It hails from somewhere over the pond. We found it in a lebanese grocery on Stark st. here in PDX. At least I think it was lebanese. The owner seemed lebanese but it is hard to tell in some markets because they have a russian isle and a german isle etc...
Anyway that doesn't matter Lets see how it was:

S-Tastes like a rollo. I like it. Where can we buy another? It is like a rollo somebody sat a good way.

E-Oh yeah, rollo. It is good. One of my favorites.

d-Rollo. A thin rollo.

It is thin and I couldn't tell why it is called what it is called because it felt flat. I couldn't tell that there was caramel in it either. A pleasant surprise for sure. If you see one. Buy it.
I give this snack a 4-spiders are still A-holes-out of five.

Why is it called a curly wurly? Behold!
Next we are returning to many a scene of snack crimes-Mexico. Yes another mexican crack at chocolate.....oh why delay it any further....

S-Mint MnMs. Cheap mint MnMs. Pretty good.

E-I agree but I like them.

d-Tastes like christmas. A cheap MnM christmas.

So they are cheap small mint chocolate balls from Mexico. Nothing fancy but Mexico has done far worse. I mean these are more enjoyable than Sixlets. I give these a 3-sunburns are still lame-out of 5.
Yes the last chocolate is from Venezuela and it is posh. Yeah, just read that label. What?? Ok that being said I really figured that this would not be great. We have been fooled before by high end chocolate with lots of gimmicks. Here we go:

S-It has the feel of pop rocks but they seem bigger. I like the pops and I am eating more of the chocolate just for the pops. Not too sure about the heat, if it needs it.

E-I like it. I get the salt very subtle but very good. The chili makes it but varies from piece to piece.

d-I agree with SARAH. It has big pops. The chocolate has a good strong flavor and the heat rises in the back of your mouth as you eat it.

This treat I expected to be gimicky but instead was balanced and fun to eat. Good chocolate with fun flavors and textures. I give this treat a 5-fruit flies and jerks and so are mosquitos-out of 5.

So summer, you fail yet again. You get too hot to do anything. You have too many bugs. Your campgrounds have too many loud children. Way too much sun. Fall can bring it on!!!

Chocolates, you haven't won me over but these treats far exceeded expectations. I dare say my first chocolate blorg that wasn't all negative but instead sucessfull.

Overall we decided that the clear winner was the Firecracker bar. I'd like to end the blorg with a quote from our mysterious distinguished gentleman in reply to me saying that the bar was 3.99.

"You can go to the store and there is a lot of sh*tty chocolates you can buy for 4 dollars."

Well put good sir, well put.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. The choice is yours...but it should be mine.

Ok, so lately it has been a little hot around here and I can't say that I approve of that very much but I have no choice. I mean, I have to go to work so I must venture out into the elements. That being said, in not having a choice, forces me to witness choices that others make. Choices like not wearing a shirt despite the fact that with out one you have the torso of one of those worms that people ride in the film 'DUNE'. So I began to think about how people react to the gift we all have which is the freedom of choice.

Some people really go searching before making a choice while others simply prefer to go somewhere close and buy whatever remotely meets their need. Case in point, Why is there still a mall? I mean the internet should have made these pavilions of pedestrian selections obsolete. Yet still today you can go to one and watch people buy sneakers and pretzels.... Don't worry I won't get started on how asinine it is that THAT business model has survived a recession. (Sarah has heard that rant too many times.) Why would anyone choose to eat anything in a foodcourt is beyond me! Sbarro? Chinese food from a warming tray? etc... And yet those choices are made daily. Now I am not saying I am a know it all or that I make amazing choices but people you need to look beyond plain kettle chips and french onion dip. There is a whole world of snacks waiting for consumption. Let's make some choices!
Whoa, wait.... really? Our first choice is cheetos puffs flavored like ramen with a raw egg dropped in it? YES!!!! Oh sure, I thought about Doritos falvored like Tapatio but that is just so commonplace. So obviously these hail from Japan as you maybe have noticed that the packaging is all in non-english. When I was ordering snacks last I found these and I had to try them despite the fact that I have never had ramen with egg in it. In fact I don't really care for eggs. Yet those two facts didn't stop me from buying these. (Of course facts rarely stopped me from ever doing things like being 17 and dying my hair bright pink with black cheetah spots while living amongst rednecks galore who "don't take kindly to them types")

How were they? Well since I can't compare them to the real thing food they are flavored as I will breakdown the overall taste bud execution:

First there is a pleasant corn puff crunch.

Second there is a sodium flavor much like the depth of flavor from a beef ramen packet.

Third you get a unctious almost buttery mouth feel rounding out the palette. My bet is that is how the yolk acts within the actual meal.

Good? Great? Terrible? I'd have to say the first is my answer. The first bite was confusing but by the third my mouth had figured out what was going on and kinda became addicted. Other people (Sarah) were not so keen proving that it isn't for everyone but I am glad I stepped out of the proverbial mall and made this choice. I give it a 3.5-I think if someone is rollerblading these days and you yell "shoot the duck" that they should have no choice but to have to do it or at least give it their all- out of 5. (Below be a close up of the ramen puffs.)
Mmm mmm mmm. Who doesn't like a potato? So mellow, so sedate, so unassuming. That is until you bake it into a stick form and flavor it like Yuzu and Serrano Chili! Yes, our second snack is just that and it comes packaged upright in a carton. This is from Japan as well and it just sounded so loopy that I thought I needed it. (Of course I also thought at one point that I needed a vinyl jacket and a shirt made of I said, I am not saying all of my choices over the years have been solid but they certainly were interesting choices.)

How were they? Not amazing. For anyone who doesn't know what Yuzu is it is a Japanese citrus that is the size of a tangerine and is sour and serranos are friggin hot! I love sour things and I love spicy things but sadly these potato sticks were neither. Just a crunchy slight tang and no heat snack. Not a bad choice but hardly an experience worth sharing. I give this humdrum snack a 1.5-If somebody is rocking a butt part hair do and you say 'butt part' I think they should have to make an inventive fart sound with their mouth.-out of 5.
(Not to mention if the said person is on rollerblades AND has a butt part then you would witness someone with a butt part shooting the duck and making inventive fart sounds with their mouth. You are welcome because that would make the world a better place.)

I know Pocky is hardly a new snack. I remember having it for the first time with Aaron when we went to PDQ by the house I grew up in. I have no idea how old we were but we had never seen anything like it before and while I wasn't a big chocolate fan I chose to try it. Flash forward twenty something years and on a recent trip to Fubonn and I had to pick up these Lychee flake Pocky.

Lychee has a perfume taste to it unless you can it and then the fruit just has the texture of a grape and little taste. That is what intrigued me about this. The fact that it had actual lychee flakes on it and mot simply lychee flavored cream on the cracker stick. How was it?

First, you must like lychee. It tastes like fresh lychee and weird cream. It really does. It has a perfume feel about it that really will turn some people off. Either way, a little goes a long way. To quote Dave after a bite "I get it." That is really all you need since the flavor is not so subtle. I don't think that is bad but it isn't inviting per se either. I give this snack a 3-If the only thing you have ever made "tap out" is a foot long sandwich I don't think you can wear that stupid clothing line-out of 5. Which at this point I'd like to pitch my clothing line NAP OUT. It is a couch shaped outfit you can wear that stretches over your couch perfectly making you snug with your furniture. Oh and you can nap in it.
Sarah bought this and I thought I would include it as another example of how Pocky is really hitting the nail on the head. If you like chocolate and coconut then this snack will not disappoint. I am not a big fan of them (we know) but it was really well executed and while not as odd as lychee quite enjoyable. I give this snack a 4-if you see a commercial for Taco Bell and drive to one the person on the intercom should have to ask you if you just saw one of their commercials and are highly suggestable and when you say yes they will direct you to an equally cheap authentic mexican restaurant/ food cart-out of 5.
Lastly we have plum flavored cheetos balls. Yeah, you read that correct. No there is no cheese involved. It is a corn puff flavored like Japanese plum. Why? I have no idea but once I knew it existed I had to have it. Was it a good choice?

No. Of course it wasn't. I mean it is a corn snack meant to taste like a fruit. Come on. We aren't talking about cereal here. A slightly salty plum flavored corn ball. Ugh. According to the bag it is 100% something and I would guess it says 100% regrettable. It tastes like an old dried plum covered in corn dust. Sick. Every who tried it described it as quite unpleasurable. This choice is about as awesome as when I drank a 16 ounce smoked dark beer and ate questionable reindeer in a sketchy german restaurant in SF. Only this snack cost 2 dollars and the meal I payed for, for days. This snack gets a 1-if Mtv can make shows where stupid people breed why don't they make a show emphasizing how famous people get when they die-out of 5. Think about it, solves so many problems. What? Too much?

Gross balls.