Monday, March 28, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. . . Blatant Lies or awkward interpretations

Sometimes in the real world people can twist the meanings of things in order to make them fit their agenda. Now I won't get into specifics (don't want to offend) except one: People who look at dinosaur bones and think 'That never happened." There are people like that right? They look right at the thing in front of their face and then disagree with its very existence. Pretty deep for me I know but I mention those people because I just had that moment with the first snack. Please examine the candy below. (By the way, all three of todays treats were found in New York.)
See there, on the end! It says mints. Right? I see it, 15 Mints. Huh? Because when I opened the packaging I saw flat square Pez type candy. Ok. Then I put one in my mouth. The mouth feel was quite similar to that of a Pez. The flavor was that of a weak lemon. And so began my waiting game. I waited. And I waited. Then came the moment when I decided to chew it and see if the mint in question was lying in wait in the center. Nope No mint. HUHWHA? So I looked back at the lable. M-i (so far so good) n-t (ok that spells mint in the singular form) s. Yup, it says multiple mints. How is this possible? Do I not believe enough that there is in fact mint present? I shall try again. Yet there was no mint for me. Just gritty pressed candy disappointment. (or disappoint-MINT, see what I did there?) I took pause at this. Can someone really lie to you promising that something is there that isn't? Quite a quandary. Quite a quandary indeed. Shame on you C Howard.
Well they can't be all winners. Lets move on to the next-Oh crap it is another C Howards candy!
Wait a second, this candy looks very similar to the other only look at the lable!
No allusive mint mentioned? Now it is candy? Tropical candy? One can only assume that this is a different line of the same kind of candy from the same NY based company. So I opened the wrapper and it looked the same as the previous candy. I have to say that this flavor they captured much better than the lemon. That being said, it still isn't a great candy. Honestly I don't know who this is targeted for. People who grew up with Pez but dont want to rip the candy throat out of a pocket sized buggs bunny? Or which ever you had. The funny thing about Pez was that some people kept the hollow carcasses after they had reaped all they could while other tossed those right in the trash. I just imagine the Pez dispenser on the shelf at the candy store wondering what life will be like on the outside and if there is a shelf space for their afterlife or if it will just be landfill time for an eternity. DINOSAURS! What? Let us keep moving shall we?
Oh man, here we go. Italy. I don't recall having had a snack from Italy yet on the FOOrD BLOrG. This treat we found in NYC at the awesome Italian Market EATILY. Which if you go to NYC you have to go to this market it is pretty interesting to say the least. Now being that this is from Italy and Absinth flavored I am expecting the real deal. I have had pastilles before and Absinth as well. (The first time was when I was 21 djing an SnM party in Eugene Or but that story is for another day.) I will tell you upfront (incase you forgot) I don't like black licorice. That makes up a large part of the Absinth flavor. In this case that was the best part. Bummer.
This treat had 2 flavors. Anise and bitterness. Heavy on the bitterness. This thing was so bitter I didn't enjoy it as much as endure it. Afterwords I crammed a guava candy in my mouth just to erase the bitterness. This thing was not pleasant but I will say they were honest at what the experience was. It tasted like Absinth. Really bitter absinth. Now if you will excuse me I have some soul searching to do. (and by that I mean I need to bury these candies in an unmarked grave.)
WHOA THE WORMWOOD!!!! I can see dancing minty dinosaurs everywhere!!!!!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


I love coffee. Like really love coffee. I drink coffee. Like really drink coffee. (is that annoying?) The only thing I love more than coffee is iced coffee. Needless to say I ingest a large amount of caffeine all day and sometimes night. Now this isn't a problem, for me. Until I need to try a product such as this. Hello Nixie Tubes!!!What are they? A Nixie Tube is a caffinated pixie stick essentially. Only they changed the first letter and sell them in test tubes. SARAH and I found this online at geek squad while buying my brother a Star Trek pizza cutter. True story, damn fine pizza cutter I might add. Anyway, it seemed pretty crazy so we bought it and they have sat in the candy bowl awaiting their day of judgement.

They come in five flavors: watermelon, fruit punch, cherry, lemon/lime, and blue raspberry.

Allow me to set the scene, it was 8pm and I wanted some coffee only the french press was dirty, the coffee pot was empty and I had already drank an espresso today. Then I remembered the Nixie Tubes and decided today was their day. The flavors are not too awesome but about on par with a Pixie Stick. My favorite was the fruit punch because it tasted like a crushed Sweetart. I love Sweetarts. (side note: Easter is my favorite sweetart holiday because they make chicks, ducks, and bunnies. I love biting their heads off like I am an ogre...but handsome. A handsome head eating ogre.)

Here is the weird thing, you know how caffeine comes on when you drink coffee? Gracefully, like ballerina it dances through your veins waking you up. You know how caffeine comes on in, say, oh, Sparks or Four Loko (r.i.p)? Like a hobo fumbling with your brain like it is a Rubix cube. That is also how the Nixie Tube works. The label says that it contains 2oomg. I can ingest that in coffee no problem but something changes when it is taken out of coffee. I don't know what. I am not a rocket scientist....or whom ever would know that answer.

So about 15 minutes after ingesting said tube my mouth began to tingle and my heart picked up its pace a bit. I even got a little sweaty. Fun? No not really. It works though. I went to bed at 4am and didn't sleep until 4:30. I spent the evening fidgiting and twitching away. But this product wasn't designed for me. This was designed for nerds who don't like coffee. Remember, I like coffee. I could see this product selling well in the rave scene. There is still a rave scene? That is weird. I could also see this selling well in the coke crowd. Just mix in some Nixie and you have lemon/lime cocaine! Isn't there a song about that?(I don't endorse the use of cocaine.)
So I guess you could just snort your Nixie Tube. Str8 to da dome! (Please don't do that.)

Monday, March 21, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. Chewzie Chorps

To be honest I am a little under the weather here. No I am not sick but a little defeated. Here we are on post 101 and my camera app that have been using since the dawn of .FOOrD BLOrG. has gone the way of Another Bad Creation- it doesn't work anymore. (Did you think I was going to make an Iesha reference?) So the aesthetic I was going for has been compromised (I bet you didn't think I was even aiming for an aesthetic..) and to top that I didn't even photograph one of the items that I was going to talk about. Yeah, rookie mistake. Here I was all ready to talk about musical tastes and that this is post 101 which is the title of my favorite tour documentary for Depeche Mode and instead I am full of regret and angst. (too much? yea, maybe a bit)

So Sarah, Erin, and Keith are my crew on this wobbly tour of the world....well not really the world but two places. Huh, this just isn't my day. Lets get to it. (While you are looking at this picture I did 50 jumping jacks 30 sit ups and drank a double espresso.....that ought to get things going.)
Coming atcha from Japan is this, our first chewy snack. Bontan Ame Citrus candy! F.t.w.d.k (for those who don't know) a Bontan is the largest of citrus fruits and its flavor was instilled into a chewy candy in 1926 and the recipe has remained unchanged since. (This is where I would originally tied this back into music and personal taste. Mostly doing so just to justify getting to say COLDPLAY SUCKS!!! See I really can't stand coldpee...I mean Coldplay. The sound of 'it' makes my insides quake with anger/disgust. What were we...? oh) By now in this experiment of world snackery I have learned that Japan makes great snacks now. Not always the case. Not for my palette. The whole rice candy no flavor deal doesn't sit well with me. I am not poo pooing on tradition I am just saying it isn't for me.

S- ugh, it tastes like paste. it gets big and fat in your mouth and takes up your whole tounge. Kind of like a lemon head with less flavor and no sour.

E-I agree with Sarah. the rice paper wrapper makes it taste off. not lemony enough to taste good. the texture is off.

K- konichiwa flavor. like eating a creature's liver that ate a smaller creature who had eaten a lemon.

D- wax. really mild citrus. barely a flavor. I tried to peel the wrapper off in order to see what it would taste like without it but it was impossible.

Next we have an addition hailing from AUSTRALIA. Yes, a first here. Green apple licorice. This was a gift from Sarah for the purpose of this blog. Thank you, Sarah. Lets see how it is:

S- it smells like homemade fruit leather. Tastes like dried pears in wax.

E-very much a waxy pear.

K- an ear waxy pear.

D-cheap waxy licorice.

I don't know why they even bother making it? There is already a billion types of licorice out on the market and I'd say about 90% are better than this attempt. I would bet that an apple scented candle would be more enjoyable to eat than this licorice. I bet even an apple scented candle purchased at a Dollar Tree tastes better than this licorice. I bet the floor of the Dollar tree....ok, that is too far. Typing this I just realized how silly it is to have to capitalize 'Dollar Tree'.

The last item was something I had held onto for 5 months just waiting for the right moment. Then I fudged up and forgot to photo it. What was it? Oh just a gummy donut candy from Japan that was individually wrapped and the size of a 50 cent piece. (Like the money unit not the rapper unit) It wasn't that great either. It looked cool. Didn't taste like a donut though. We all thought it tasted more like TANG at which point Keith said 'WU-TANG-CLAN'. That was the highlight.

So what have we learned? Well, I'd say no matter how far we get in any avenue of this experiment called life, we can and will make mistakes. The point is to have friends or loved ones to laugh with through those times. Too much? How about coldpee is a stupid band!!!
Now if you will excuse me I am going to go to the playground. (Ya know)

(ftwk)for those who know-

I DEMAND RETRIBUTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. drink it...or don't. Part 2 (100th post)

Yes this is the one hundredth post on my nonsensical blog. In order to celebrate I say we have a drink....or three. Literally three different drinks shall be discussed within this epic 100th post. (There really is no epic anything about this but what do you care? Either way you are passing time on the interweb.) In all of the immense success of this blog and my 42 billion followers somehow I have managed to maintain a level head. Yes, looking back over the years there have been some good times, some bad times, and some really bad times for my mouth. Also some bad times for my friends mouths. It is to those brave souls to which I'd like to dedicate this post. Without friends to endure the things that I become obsessed with I would just be a shut in who likes to try weird things. So belly up to the bar and lets tip one out for my homies.Recently Dave (radtastic brother in law, Sarah (best wife award winner every year for 5 years straight) and I went to New Seasons and I bought this Porter. So what right? Well I bought it for the next time Dave came over because I wanted to try it but I had a sinking feeling I would hate it and Dave is really good about not wasting things. (Nice run on sentence) The reason why I thought I'd find it gross is revealed in the photo below-
See, I don't like black licorice. I am not racist I just think that flavor is terrible. (Remember the salt licorice post?) However, I thought I should try it and see how it is used in this beverage and how it pairs with a porter. It smelled like an average porter which is fine. I don't mind a porter at all in fact what else says winter like a big pint of porter? I guess, snow, santa, skiing, but those have a far lower alcohol content than a porter. The taste was not for me. Sarah didn't care for it either. It was like somebody ate black licorice and then mouthed my beer right before my drink. The flavor went like this: mmm, hmmm, ah black licorice. A three step palate parade ending with a handshake never to return. I didn't need a second drink to confirm that this was not for me. I took one sure but I didn't enjoy it.

Once we began passing this around we also began discussing if it was being served at the right temperature. Dave thought it should be warmer and upon further investigation he was correct. I thought colder was better in order to hide the flavor accents that I bought this to try. (I know that makes no sense.) As it warmed it opened up like a chilled wine. Different notes come forward. I don't like this drink but Dave finished it and Emmit liked it. I think ultimately if you like porter than give it a try. It is worth the 2.50 for the conversation. Next!
Sarah bought this at a produce market up the street from our home in SE PDX. The flavor was Cactus Honey. (Sound enticing?) The price was 50 cents. (Sound like a warning?)

Here is a tip for you, anything gourmet that is on sale is most likely not "gourmet". Now sure, there are exceptions like perishables but if it is a product on a shelf not so much. Another tip is that sometimes you get what you pay for and 50 cents is not a good price for a flavored gourmet drink. How was it? SICK. Sarah and I both thought it was undrinkable. Sarah was super thirsty and drank one sip and I had the same experience. What did it taste like exactly? Hmmm, how to put this....... It tasted like the dusty inside of a used shoe box-with cheap honey flavor!!!! The honey part made the poor quality of flavoring stick in your mouth. Normally I don't discourage people from trying a product but this one is a DO NOT. For it IS ripe. Next-
This beverage was a gift from Dave for christmas. Ok, I know this is 3 months later but look at that label in the photo. That sounds disgusting. Don't get me wrong, my favorite part of this project is when people (so far Sarah and Dave) give me something to write about. It is that thought of them seeing something and thinking of me. It is so nice. Sort of fitting that most of the finds are real wild cards as well. (Just saying) So the six pack (yes, I have five more in the fridge) has been chilling in the icebox until today. I was hesitant but I knew that this beverage should be a part of this 100th post. So I popped the cap off and had the Matuey experience.

It smelled like Raisin Bran. Wet raisin bran. I am not making stuff up at all. This business smells like straight up wet raisin bran. It was at this point that I really was rethinking drinking this beverage but I had to persist. (cue epic music) In the names of all those friends who rely on me to try something new every week. To provide a brief distraction from their weekly doldrums! I CAN NOT FAIL.

It tasted like if you squeezed wet raisin bran into a glass and drank it. -sigh. So very aweful. If that sounds like your thing then message me because I have 5 more. I would pour them down the toilet but that seems like an insult to the poo and pee already in the sewer. Seriously, poo and pee, you owe me one. (Not one poo or pee. Just to clarify. In fact you don't owe me one of are just welcome.) Lastly, kudos to you for taking a moment to peruse my BLOrG. You three people I hope get at least an occasional chuckle out of this hobby of mine. Cheers to you. See you at the 200 mark.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. pOORLY cONcieved

It is true that everyday even the tiniest thing can teach us something about ourselves. Our alarm not going off can upset our routine which can tell us that our everyday patterns provide comfort for us. A person stopping at a crosswalk and smiling to tell us we may cross can actually make us thankful to be apart of this species and not loathe its ability to only think of itself. An expose on animal porn can teach us the relief of never having the urge to attend that kind of "petting" zoo. A t.v. show can alert us to the fact that we never want to go to New Jersey. Ever. Yes, even something as simple as the appearance of a snack can tell us something about ourselves. With that in mind, I give you:SLAPS!!!! So the proverbial gato is out of the bag here, this hails from Mexico. I know. (sigh) I know but they deserve a chance. (again and again) This was found at a mexican grocer out far out in PDX SE. There is a whole bunch of weirdness going on here. This treat is creative for sure but lets be honest, not every invention is good or needed really. Nonetheless this candy comes from 'Jose's Yummies' which sounds questionable already. Any dudes name before the word 'yummies' just sounds like a ploy to get somebody to ogle his manbits. For instance, Hanz's yummies, Dick's yummies, Harold's yummies, or my favorite- Barnaby's yummies. All pretty wangish. (Which is not a word....yet)
So as you can see here we have two flavors of slaps in the package of 15 for 1.29. (Yeah, that is a good sign.) Essentially what this appears to be is a fruit rollup not rolled up and with a stick. Yes, a stick like a lollypop stick. So once you remove the plastic pieces that surround the slap you can hold onto the stick from which the slap flacidly dangles. Mmmmmmm. Who wouldn't want that?
Hungry? Well I bit into a piece of this and the texture was far from what I expected. See I thought it was going to be more like a fruit situation but what we have is a gritty sugar situation. Normally that might appeal to me if it is sour enough. This is not and after two bites I dropped it in to the trash. Oh, I went with red by the way and it was not strawberry, cherry, raspberry, or anything berry really. My tongue feels funny and regrets being in my mouth. Perhaps the 'slap' this snack refers to is what happens to your mouth for expecting deliciousness from a treat from mexico. I didn't try yellow after that and I am not sure if I will. One slap was enough for me. Thank you, I do not want another. If this were some sort of S&M situation my safe word would be something along the lines of " Trust me you don't want Jose's Yummies in or near your mouth. I bet even Jose doesn't like his own yummies. Please for all that is delicious do not go forth and taste these demonic creations!"Too many words? Then maybe my safe word would simply be "wangish".
By now you are probably wanting me to divulge what I learned about myself thru 'Jose's yummies'. Was it the manbits/yummies thing? Was it that one of these picture looks like a jacked up condom? Nay, it was that when I first looked at these in the packaging I thought 'I bet that is what Willy Wonka's tongue looks like.' Which of course led to his entire body including: gum ball eyes, red rope intestines, circus peanut toes, to name a few. Oh and I also learned that I eat things before reading their due date. See below!
Ain't that just straight up wangish????

What did you learn?

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. Chorcolate chreats!!!+1

I hate to confess at the beginning of any post regarding chocolate that I am not really a big fan but if I don't I feel like I am hiding something. Sorta like a person who only drinks Boones Farm who is asked to talk about a fine Shiraz. Although not all treats are perfectly designed balances of awesomeness as you are about to bear witness to. In this post we will discus not one but four eatables with input coming from not one but 5 mouths. Before you say that sounds like too much let me assure you there will just be short concise comments by each person on the food in question. It is my hope that this panel of pallets will provide a perfect POV for you passive people to ponder. (say that three times fast) So my tasting friends on this evening are Keith, Erin, Sarah, Dave and myself. Here we go-This candy hails from NYC at the Economy candy store....that is a fact and here is what we thought.

K-There is something crunchy in there.... (This was K's favorite of the evening.)

E- Sweet chocolate...kinda waxy.

S-eh, it is just chocolate. Poor peoples chocolate. (i had a typo for a second and that read poop people chocolate...note-don't eat poop people chocolate. ever)

Dave-cheap chocolate. waht i'd expect from something called economy candy. tastes like those foil covered chocolate eggs.

dirk- walgreens chocolate. nuff said. there is no marshmellow taste or grahm cracker crunch. blech. (There was no scent and no real after taste. Quite a let down if there was one in the snack kingdom) NEXT!
Yup. Your eyes don't deceive you, that is a 6 dollar chocolate bar.(sigh) This hails from an italian import grocer in the Chelsea Market in NYC. There were about five types but we chose this one as the most odd and enticing. (psst, we were so very wrong) Ginger and Goldenberry? Oh yes....oh no.

K- Should have called it scab berry.

E- It is taking my tounge hostage.

S-tastes like a scab on chocolate. looks like a scab on chocolate. Goldenberry? More like scab berry.

Dave-its confectioners chocolate. Aweful. Ugh. Sick!!! (Dave didn't eat anymore of this which proves it IS really aweful.)

dirk-tastes like baking chocolate there is no ginger flavor and goldenberries are just friggin raisins. and I HATE RAISINS. (This was voted the worst of this selection and in the tops of worst ever) Before we move on check out the idiot spew on the back of the 6 DOLLAR CANDY BAR!
Bull pucky!
These were either also found in Economy or at another shop in NYC it kinda blends together for me on that last trip. I should also say that I am an ignoramus for thinking just cuz it says bon bon that it is chocolate. This one isn't chocolate. It is a box of individually wrapped tea flavored hard candies.

K-I am just suckin' on tea and milk.

E-like having a tea bag in your mouth... bitter in the back of the mouth. not very fun and tooo gritty.

S-tastes like black tea. i like it. like tea with milk. I bet Damien would like these. Oolong.

Dave-...sucking on a teabag. chewing on a crystalized teabag.

dirk- not bad. a good tea flavor. (then I chewed it up and it made my mouth feel real weird. weird for awhile. the kind of weird a mouth feels when it has been abused by too much citric acid or tea or some other chemical...)
Lastly we have this 1.99 gem from City Market PDX. This small goodie is a scene stealer on this collection plate.

K- like chai and cinnamon.

E-i like it. it changes flavor. i like the cinnamon. (FAVE!)

S-like a chai dr. pepper. i like rich people chocolate better than poor peoples chocolate. (FAVE)

Dave-tastes like christmas. OH YEA! (trust me he sounded like the Koolaid man) All around good. (FAVE)

dirk-choco-chai awesomeness! Not a chocolate fan but this is sooooo delicious. it really does have a holiday feel to it. Celebratory. (FAVE)

There you have it, another episode of five friends putting things in their mouths together. Luckily not involving a bowl of keys (am I right swingers?and/or people who survived the 60's. Now I don't wish to offend swingers I merely mean to point out that we are not interested in diddiling a strangers fiddle. Ok? No plum smuggling here. No trolly trusselers amoung us......(not sure what that means)I am sure the PDX swinger scene is full of lookers sure....(it isn't, I heard it is 80% dudes that look like Ron Jeremy minus the endowment and the ladies are shaped like a caterpillar mated with a cupcake. You know what I mean, body all weird segments kinda folded on top like a kinda oragami flesh lump........flesh lump? what am I talking about? Oh yes, Moving along, I am open to suggestions of things to try (food or drink wise) or your reactions. It felt good to get a group post out there with my pals involved as I was feeling overwhelmed with all this stock pile of questionable treats. I really need a sign off catch phrase so if you have one hallah at me(since that one stinks). Till next time, stay out of Walgreens. I am serious.