.FooRd BlooRg. Joy!

Greetings! This post is going to be a joyous one. By definition joy means an emotion evoked of well being. Uh, yeah I guess. I could sum up a large chunk of my childhood joy in one word with 5 letters and two syllables. Candy. Sure there were other things. Like christmas presents or birthday presents or random presents not associated with my birth or christs. What? Kids are pretty self absorbed. (It isn't their fault but it is pretty much the truth.) Who else, while still believing in god, would be like " Yes. Merry Christmas! Happy birthday jesus! Where is my bike? What? Kevin got a bike when HE was 7! What did I get? What is this shit? A doll? Are you f*cking kidding me? Have you been to my room? It only has like a bizzangle amount of dolls! (At that age, bizzangle does sound like a mathamatical amount of dolls to have.) One more doll! Yippee. No, you know what? I have enough dolls that I could go in the backyard, next to the Chipper's house (the dog) and build my own house. Yes, a LITERAL doll house. Actually, you know what,  I can't because Kevin hasn't been picking up Chipper's poops. Yeah, that is right! Screw you Kevin! If I am getting played like this YOU ARE ALL GOING DOWN! Mom wears secret ankle socks to the grocery store and dad smells of lady lotion! Oh, I am out of order? This whole christmas is out of order. With a christmas like this I can't believe that god is real. Especially since neither Joseph or Mary are storks and THAT is my understanding of where babies come from."-Kayla age 7.

Yeah sure there were joyous times with family and friends but I don't think you really get that understanding until you are older and reflect back at how awesome those times were. I am talking about at that age and at that time. Candy is one of the major joys. Obviously with this blog a by product is a large amount of odd and sometimes inedible candy and snacks. Some of those I can take to work and people will try them and most of the time the things I have hated on the most become quite well received by others. Chili Rokkas became a fave of a coworker and I hated them. Sadly it all doesn't make it to work. Another stock pile develops at home. Recently we had some home troubles in the shape of a sink leaking and majorly f-ing up our floors. So we had a contractor come out and one time he brought his son. I have no idea how old his son was but somewhere between 8-12 I'd guess. Well the contractor left the room to get a fan and there I was with a child I didn't know. I looked over my shoulder while searching for some common denominator between this child and my thirty something self. That is when I saw it: candy. Here is the problem with that situation though. When you are a thirty something male talking to a stranger's child there is no possible way of saying "you like candy?" without being totally creeped out. In fact I think that very scenario should be used as a screening for people. 

Interviewer: Ok, so hypothetically you are in a room with a child you don't know.

Guy: How'd I get there?

Interviewer: That isn't important. On the table is a bowl of assorted candy.

Guy: Is there Nutter Butter?

Interviewer: That isn't important....Also that is a cookie. The child doesn't see the candy.

Guy: Is he blind? Is the candy blind? I mean invisible.

Interviewer: No and no. It is just in a bowl. A bowl that ...he just hasn't seen the candy. Ok? Now say the line please.

Guy: You like candy?

Interviewer: Ok. How was that for you?

Guy: Oh good.

Interviewer:Not creeped out in the slightest?

Guy: No. Does he want some candy?

Interviewer: Really ok with this situation?

Guy: Oh yeah. Can I go now? My windowless van is double parked.

Interviewer: (into watch) We are going to need to take this one down. I repeat, the muskrat is doing the watoosie.

-And Scene-

What was I talking about? Oh yes, the joy of candy. Of simpler times. In honor of that our 1-5 scale will be recalling said times of joy.

Up first we have Krachie Puchitto soft candy. This flavor is grape in case you didn't notice that the candy is shaped like grapes. Do you know who likes grapes? Bunnys. Yep but only soft grapes because a bunny's mouth is like a tiny silk purse. True. Also a bunny doesn't chew to break down food. It merely cradles it in its silken mouth until the food relaxes enough to slide down in's esophogus. Yeah. They don't eat carrots either. Too hard. That whole fallacy was concocted by rabbit farmers to keep questionable folks from touching their bunnys. (*I clearly know nothing about rabbits or bunnies.)

Ah! What is that shady monkey up to? Bunny-stay away from the candy! I think the monkey holding the log in the sky which says something on it-is up to no good! Seriously, what is up with the monkey? Who holds a log like that? We can clearly see his lower torso behind that log. So am I to understand that the mascot for this snack is a log palming monkey? Yes? Ok. No that isn't weird at all. (I didn't want to say anything but it also looks like that monkey is "you know"ing that log.)

So the whole appeal to this candy, other than being soft is each kind pulls apart into tiny pieces. So the grape flavor pulls apart into individual grapes. The orange flavor has a rind you remove and you can separate the segments. Pretty clever right? And is it fun? Well, upon opening the bag you are greeted  with a fantastic grape aroma. Think about that pungent grape gum you had in your youth. Yeah, thats the good stuff. It smells heavenly.

The texture is what you pick up on first when putting it in your mouth. It is like a stale marshmellow. Not in a bad way. Maybe more like a chewier marshmallow. Then comes the sweetness and then the grape flavor wave. It is delicious. I can't say I am crazy about pulling the tiny grapes off. Or eating candy that is a fourth the size of a pencil eraser. That being said if you toss the whole thing in your trap it is quite enjoyable. A tad chewy, a bit fluffy or squishy, and very very grape. Was it a joy? Yes. Would a kid find it a joy? You bet they would. (Except maybe Kayla age 7)

Sarah just tried this treat. She smelled it and said "ooh yeah!" and thought that the pulling it apart into smaller pieces was the best part. She also said that it tasted like grape Big League Chew. She liked it.

I give this snack a 5-Swimming. The feeling of weightlessness as a kid in a pool was a magical joy.-out of 5.

Who doesn't want Smog Balls in their mouth? Most people actually. Yet here it is. This snack wa given to me by my parents for this blog. How cool is that? Pretty dang cool but lets just get somethings out of the way here. First of all, calling a sour goo candy "Toxic waste" can be gross fun for a kid. I agree with that idea. However attempting to build an empire of environmental themed candy is not a great business model. Here is why: Smog is a concept that kids not only don't care about but the don't need to. Gi-Joe doesn't stop mid battle and say "Cobra! We will be back when this smog isn't so unbarable. I mean the airborne soot particles right now have to be a hazard to local floral and fauna." Doesn't happen. Do you think Barbie's car is a hybrid? Nope. She lives in a pink mansion with a bizzangle amount of clothing, shoes, and accesories. Her whole world runs on coal and internal combustion. Don't even get me started on the Transformers.

Second of all, I guess I just had a first of all.

Now what am I supposed to make of this nuclear explosion which is obviously experiencing moderate to high levels of gastrointestinal discomfort. It just makes me think that this product might give me the emergency-D. (That is code for diarrhea.) I don't want the emergency-D on a good day and certainly not at an atomic level. I don't even think that sour candy can have that effect can it? I don't know why I am asking. I hope I never know. Ever.

So in the back of the bag of candy they included a story to rationalize their asinine choice to invent Smog Balls. It has something to do with Dr. Smogg and he wants to cover the earth is toxic chemicals that will rain down from the sky and some dude named Professor Sauernoggin (nice one) who can blast the chemical rain cloud and make it rain sour candy instead. That is the jist of it. It is really dumb. Trust me when I say that no kid is going to give a rats watoosie about that story. They just want whomever is reading it to them to shut up and give them the candy. Also I'd like to say that calling something toxic but teaching kids to eat it seems dangerous. Right? So they hear "Timmy, that is toxic!" and what Timmy hears is "That most likely has been cured by sauernoggin and comes in a variety of flavors ranging from but not limited to blue raspberry and windex." RIP Timmy. Taken from us so very young.

Are they good? Well. when you bite into one it has a crunchy candy shell and a soft sour interior. That pretty much sums up the experience. Is it sour? Not really very sour. I mean when I hear sour I imagine sucking on a lemon. (Which I love to do.) I guess sour as well as spicy is all relative to a person's taste. For me I will say that this isn't super sour. Now I am not saying that the level of citric acid isn't reminiscent of stomach bile because it is. Close your eyes and imagine eating a large amount of sub par Skittles and then having a vurp. What is a vurp? You know when you burp but some stomach acid comes up into your mouth and throat? That is a vurp. That pretty much encapsulates the aftermath of eating Smog Balls. Sound awesome?? Well luckily there are 6 flavors of regret in each bag. One of which and I am not joking, tastes how window cleaner smells. Seriously. Remember what I said earlier about "toxic"? Coincidence? Hmm.

Sarah just came in and tried this snack and she said it smelled good but when she tried the lime flavor that it was NOT sour. She said it tasted like stale tiny jawbreakers and that the strawberry wasn't bad but seemed like it tasted like strawberry nerds and that she didn't want to try others because she didn't want the windex one.

I give this snack a 1-people falling down-out of 5. Think about it. Kids get so much joy out of people falling down. Some of us adults think it is pretty awesome too. One time, Sarah, Dave and I were walking in the snow and Sarah slipped and fell which caused Dave to fall and then I stepped in the same place she slipped and I fell. It was hilariously painful.

Next up is Sumiyaki Coffee Candy!!! I love coffee. I really do. I love the smell. I love the taste. I LOVE COFFEE! My big problem when it comes to coffee drinks or coffee candy is that they usually involve cream and sugar. I only like black coffee. That is what I want. Just black. So I was hesitant to try this snack but it also said coffee on it so I wanted to try it. Ugh. So is my curse. My coffee curse.

Oh I get it. There are the beans and the coffee grinder and candy. That pretty much sums up coffee candy. Thanks candy bag designers. I had so many questions about what I was about to experience. I mean I know what candy is and I know how to drink coffee but coffee candy? I don't get it.

Oh I get it now. The candy comes in these cute silver teepees. The cuteness stops there sadly because the taste of this candy is not awesome. This tastes like old person candy. You know, the type of candy that every kid can tell is not meant for children. It isn't fun or particularly delicious. In this case it tastes like sweetened hard candy and stale old person mouth who just drank coffee which was also stale and the coffee has a mouth and it drank older coffee and it is kissing you too. (That got weird. Sorry.)

Ok close your eyes again and imagine eating a plain sugar disc candy and then your grandma who just drank a coffee gave you a big kiss. ugh. I know. I know. What did I expect. Of course it is going to be sweet but did it have to be so sweet? The candy not the grandma. Ok open your eyes.

I know. It is candy. I get it. Shame on me.

I give this snack a 3-fars-out of 5. Kids get so much joy out of gas. They do! It is like a brief toy to them. It happens to anyone and kids will roar with laughter. That is why Eddie Murphy has a 5 fart a movie clause in his contracts. (*Not a fact but it could be.)




*BONUS*

What?? Oh amn. Not Salsagheti???? Again? But I did this already! Oh wait. That was mango and this is watermelon. Fine. I will try stupid salsagheti again. This was a gift from Sarah's mom from when she went to Mexico. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the thought. I do. She wouldn't know that this was one of the first things we tried and how god awful it is. However we did and it was not great. It is funny to look back on that, years ago and how the natural evolution of this blog has changed. I am in no way a connoisseur or chef or know it all on food in any way. I am just a person who wanted to experiment with writing and this seemed like an appropriate avenue. Things were bound to change as each post is different and written in one sitting of about 2 hours. That being said some of the old posts are strange to me. Can you tell that I just don't want to eat the candy? Procrastination.

I said it last time but what is up with the duck? The duck is not a typical mexican animal nor an italian animal. Will someone please tell me why it is the spokes animal for salsagheti?,,,, And how is that duck supposed to fly with his wings pulled thru a shirt?

Crap. Just look at it. It doesn't even look good. It looks like it tastes. Like dirt and sadness. I think it may be sensing my fear. Look at the beyond lame packet of sickness that it comes with. Oh lord.

There. Much better. Don't you just want to drag some candy noodles thru that sewer leak?  MMMM. Joy! Nobody should want this.

It smells like leather and the breath of someone who may have eaten fruit once whispering the words "dream of a better life."-"One without salsagheti." The noodle itself tastes like cheap gummy laces with salt and sugar or earth rubbed on it. Not pleasant in the slightest. The poo goo is salt and chili and mucus I think. Like if someone put some salt and chili in the palm of their hand and sneezed it into your mouth. That good. No joke kids, get some of this. Together the two parts play out like two bad jokes on your tongue. Either way your feeling will be hurt. No joy. NO JOY AT ALL.

This snack gets a 0-people getting hit in the crotch-out of 5. Only the twist here is it is the first time you got hit in the crotch and it hurt. Like really hurt. That is the day the laughter died. Some shred of innocence was never to return because of that crotch shot. I hate you Salsagheti.

Thanks for reading. Till next week.

.FooRd BloRg. Chews life. Choose candy.

There is true beauty in seeing a child eat a piece of candy for the first time. That moment of discovery. "What is this? This nectar of the gods that has befallen me." That moment of clarity. "This is what adults must be doing all the time that us kids aren't allowed to do. This is what all of the patience and hard work boils down to. This single ultimate goal. This is what they lock in cabinets. What they hide from us. This is what they do while we are asleep. This is what they wrestle for in their bed that one time I walked in."

For some of us, that first gummy bear or crappy generic jelly bean was merely the gateway candy. We don't even look back to it or even remember its name. It was just the moment that we knew that wasn't it. There were bigger and stronger goodies out there and we would eat any mushy pea and "clean" our room to get at those candies. If you wanted us to bark like a duck and log roll in dirt we'd do it. (We knew ducks didn't bark. We didn't care. Dignity is something you learn far after you commit to how far you'll go to get a Blow Pop.)

Addicts? Hardly. We can quit. We could quit. From time to time some of us do. We embark on juice cleanses, diets where you count points, lent, and temporary veganism? But we come back. Like a return to a celestial sweetness that shrouds us and beats back the dark forces at work in the world. Impending all encompassing governmental control? Oh I am sorry. I didn't hear you. I was looking at my Sweetarts roll because I just got two grape in a row and that is like winning the freaking lottery. 

Oh, you are going to judge us? OK. Fine. You are better. You are all grown up. You have your fish oil pills and flax seed. You win! I say "Nay!" (I don't now why...) Look inward good sir. Deep inside you there is a child drowning in fat free grossness. Throw him a red vine and help him out! Don't drop him a Lifesaver. That is a pretend candy and everyone knows it. Give them something fun. Watch them smile and relish that treasure. That is how candy should be enjoyed. Not some psuedo candy barely flavored that is stashed in your desk like it is something shameful. 

Today we stand up. Today we unite. Today we devour.

(Coincidentally, today we will be looking at three chewy candies. The 1-5 scale shall be in honor of childhood memories.)

First up we have Milkita. Milkita is a melon flavored milk taffy. (Ugh.) This snack comes from Japan but found its way into my candy bowl by our talented photographer friend Nate. He saw this in a market and figured it deserved a home on this blog. I have said it before to the homeless and I will say it again "My friends are awesome." (Before you get all "that was a mean thing to say to a homeless man" he was one of those uppity self righteous homeless people. Man, I hope he reads this when he checks his email at the library.)

Let's just take a look at the bag here. We have a cow who isn't wearing pants. That wouldn't be weird but the cow is wearing a shirt. So.......Alright, the cow is playing soccer. There is also a melon who is doing jumping jacks in the nude. Can we just agree that this all seems questionable. There is also milk just erupting throughout the back ground. Just a milk magma spew ejecting from an invisible fault line. Next to the jumping baby melon is a huge chunk of one of its parents and the cow's shirt has a number 7 on it. That is some real crazy business. (I apologize for the quality of the pictures.) There is also a sentence on the bottom of the window that reads "Try and taste the difference of all our other flavors."
Not the most confident invitation. (I could see this tagline working for Tacobell. Because it is all the same.) Seriously. Try? Alright. The back also says "Candy is slippery and can cause choking." That sentence is under allergy information. Allergy? I guess "some people" are allergic to "slippery". "Yes, I can't have anything with tree nuts, gluten, or slippery. Oh this has slippery? Damn. Thanks for the warning."

So I am guessing that the cow beat the melon at soccer as the cow is now assuming some sort of disco victory stance and has removed it's shirt as if to say "I am not number seven anymore! I am number one!" Can we just agree that fleshy hoofs are pretty gross. (You hear that, dudes in flip flops?) There is also a weird vortex coming out of the cows posterior. Is this another warning? I am not sure.

Taste wise: I have previously covered a melon milk drink that I froze into a delectable summer treat. This candy is pretty comparable to that. Minus drinkability and carbonation and plus slippery. When you first bite into it the candy yields slightly to the force of your teeth. You get a bit of melon flavor at this point and then comes a milk essence. Now, I don't drink milk. I think it is creepy. However I could see how people might really enjoy this. It isn't very sweet. I bet if you like creamy things and or melon than this would be right up your alley. It would be a great gift for your soccer team mates and a subtle way to let them know that you indecently expose yourself every time your team scores a goal. "I tried to tell you. Remember the cow with the melons? I am the melon cow." Speaking of that. Why doesn't this cow have an udder?

I give this snack a 3- I remember as a kid that bark chips on the playground often turned into lava but the back chips poured over puke in the hall never did. It was important though to not step in either.-out of 5.

Next we have a new product from the Bazooka candy brand. I found this at a local market. It was sitting on the counter by the cash register. Impulse buy style. I said "I do." and it came home with me. This also has some strange things going on with the wrapper. First of all, it clearly is taffy that you take a pen like tube and squirt sour goo on it and then eat it. That is a lot of work for a candy. I feel like they couldn't get the snack to work so they were like just let the kids do it and they will think it is fun. I don't. Wrap that taffy around that goo and lets go! Make me work for it? Shame on you.

Oh and the flavor is "Knock out punch." A candy where you draw with goo on taffy doesn't strike me as the demographic that would enjoy violence but ok. Sure Bazooka. Lets bring violence into the equation.

Not for children under three? Really? I could have told you that. Nobody under three is writing anything of consequence and certainly nothing on taffy. They are still wearing diapers. They aren't book keeping or writing checks. (I am not a parent but I feel like all of my personifications and developmental judgements are spot on today.)

Dare to drop? Isn't that the whole appeal of this half cocked idea? It isn't really a dare if that is literally part of enjoying the process. "Look kid. This taffy isn't great. The flavor is like a really seriously cheap Airheads that got super stale. The only thing that may improve your candy situation here is this sour slime. Dare to drop." That is hardly a dare. It is only up hill from the cruddy candy. POUR THAT STUFF ON IT! Also next time kid, don't buy impulse candy when you are buying a 6 pack of tall boys. You know it won't end well.

It is nice that they are all individually wrapped and that there is a cap on the goo pen. You don't want your goo pen dripping everywhere. The weird thing about the goo pen is the cap has a piece sticking down the side. Like a regular pen cap. Like a kid is going to put it in their shirt pocket. Like a real pen. "See each piece is wrapped so he can put them in his pocket and when wants a snack he just unwraps one and squirts his goo on it and goes." Good planning. But if that kid is like me. One candy is one serving. Not one piece. One candy. The item as a whole. All that wrapping is going in the trash after one sitting. What a waste.

How does it taste? Pretty much as I have already explained. The taffy is waxy and neutral. It has a touch of punch flavor as it becomes grainy in your mouth. Man what a fun candy. Then the semi sour slime mixes with the sandy super sugary breakdown of the taffy and it ends with your teeth wanting to be in a different mouth and your tongue regretting being yours. It tastes cheap and poorly conceived. (Like any song by lmfao) This seems like a clear case of bad design meets novelty meets buyers remorse. Could this have been fun? Yes. Make the taffy into little checks and then the kid signs the check with the pen and the tagline is "Don't write checks that your mouth can't cash." Right? Give those little bankers what they want.

I give this taffy a 1-I remember few of my teachers names from elementary school but I will never forget the name of the boy who pooped his pants on the bus. Keep your head up Stevie Shannon. Wherever you are.-out of 5. (I bet he doesn't drive school busses)

This is Ninja gummy. This candy hails from Japan and comes in a variety of flavors. Wonderful flavors like grape... I love grape candies from Japan. Sure there are other flavors but why list them because grape is the best. What you say? This doesn't look like grape? That is because it isn't. Yeah. I decided to get Ume. Now if you don't know what Ume is than l shall educate you.  Ume is a fruit that americans refer to as a plum but it is more closely related to an apricot.  Yeah, it is like a hybrid of two grandma flavors. Neither is as much fun as grape. You often hear kids wanting grape juice. You don't often hear kids wanting apricot juice. If you do hear a kid say that just know that its parents are jerks. Jerks who probably aren't fun and their house smells of stale air, boredom,  and cottage cheese. Sneak that kid a Rollo and blow their mind.

Now there is something else I have to tell you about this snack. It isn't just "plum/apricot" it is salt cured plum/apricot.

Listen carefully. All other warnings you have ever received pale in comparison to what I am about to tell you. Everything your parents warned you about is bullsh*t. Those things won't kill you. Heck I bet those things are fun and make for good stories when used in moderation. Now turn off your tv. Silence your cell phone. Tell whomever is around you to shut their pie hole.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

This gummy is THE worst thing I have tried. Yes. It steals the crown from the vomit inducing Bacon Tabs. (Even though the thought of B.T.s still makes me get the vomit salivations.) These things are so evil.

When you heard as a child that bad things happen in parks at night-this is what those bad things are.

When you hear about bad things happening in a prison shower-this is what they were referring to.

When you heard Texas Chainsaw Massacre was based on a true story-THIS IS THAT STORY.

Here is the breakdown of possibly the worst candy experience on the planet:

Upon opening the pouch you get a whiff of what it would be like if fruit leather could poop on actual leather which also happened to be on fire. It is musky. Like if you put a fruity lotion on the uppermost inner thighs of an elephant. Jogged it around for an hour and then smelled it. Not for the faint of heart.

(Before we get too deep into this unsettling moment I'd like to ask you a question. Did you ever try the Miller light with salted lime? No? Well it tasted like someone sweat in your bud light with lime. It was disgusting. Ok, carry on.)

The first thing you taste is a slight tang which gave me a false sense of security. I hoped now that it would be just intense and fruity. WRONG. Then it is like all of the air in your mouth is sucked out and a dark shroud of baneful beastly evil envelopes your tongue. Then comes the whatever fruit flavor which is quickly covered by a disgusting wave of salt. There are evil layers of sickness trapped in your mouth and as you chew "fruitlessly" to get it down it keeps changing and becoming saltier and more shoe closety (not a word) in your mouth. My eyes began to water and my throat casts its vote not to be involved in anymore salted plum saliva. So around ten chews or so I expelled it into the trash and attempted to undo the damage it rout in my mouth. Which left me with no fruit flavor. Just a sense of aged decay, sickening salt, and sadness.

My mouth, once a playground for candy, was now nothing more than a bottomless wasteland of sadness and deep regret. The clarity I once had gained has now been marred. I would like to say that I will bounce back from this but this is like when a kid's first pet dies. I know now that death exists. It is my mouth. My mouth becometh death. Thanks to you Ume. You and your ninjas in business suits and reading glasses. (Look at the package again.)

I give this snack a 0- I remember swimming once and I was about to jump in the pool when a bee stung my back. I turned just in time to see it ripping its stinger end off and its bee intestines spilling out on my back. I 'd rather relive that moment every hour than eat this ume gummy again.-out of 5.


*Thank you to Nate for his submission. Thank you for reading. Now I need to go burn some sage on my mouth. My taste buds have informed me that we aren't "buds" anymore. Here's to building bridges!



p.s. I bought the salted plum gummy in a three pack. FML

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Good intentions vs. Bad inventions

I can't help but think that the people who created the internet had great intentions.  Like they were dreaming up this information super highway that would make the world a richer-brighter place. I imagine this transpired the same way 100's(?) of years prior when somebody invented the library. They just thought of a mass of useful documentation and historical facts all in one place readily accessible to anyone who enters. Only there is a stark difference between the library and the internet. The internet lately seems to be an odd hodge podge of nosey neighbor and pervert. Recently I feel like it is trying to educate or inform me on anything useful or even interesting. The internet is like "Hey, Mark is listening to Public Enemy." My reply is "Shut up internet. I don't care what he is listening to." And yet the internet persists "Hey, hey, Mark-wait, here is his picture-him. He is still listening to Public Enemy." My reply again "Stuff it, internet. Quit wasting my time." ....."Has he always had a lazy eye?" Internet replys "Yes, hold on. There, I just tagged you as his lazy eye."

Me-"Damn you internet."

Internet-"Oh I am sorry. Why don't you do a google image search for a difficult to spell Indian dish? It is really good!"

Me-(Hesitant)"Ok, that seems like a good idea. I have been wanting a new Indian recipe."

Internet-(Safe search OFF) WALL OF BUTTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(
(*Bookmark)

Me-"Damn you internet."

See, that scenario doesn't exist in the scholarly realm of libraries. You don't go to a library and open a book on George Washington and see a picture of his wood. Wooden teeth sure! (*I don't think he really had wooden teeth. Did he? Let me google image search.........Damn you internet.) There is very little trickery at the library. Well, there was. Now the library has the internet and I really would like to think that this happened so that people could find out more information. But simply go to the library and look at who is on those computers. Ok maybe two of those 20 kids are doing a book report while everybody else is being as shifty as possible. So we are all pretty much doomed to be stupid and only care about what somebody is listening to or who has the best wife/husband ever. Sigh. My point isn't that life has become meaningless and that we all are going to die. (Although that is true. At least the death part anyway. The meaning of life is a different story. No I am not going to google search that.) My point is that I believe that those two things came from a good place but good intentions sometimes lead to questionable results.

With that in mind I present :Exhibit A.

Don't get me wrong. I am not condemning or condoning candy cigarets. Everyone knows that smoking causes cancer and is delicious. However, I reviewed Kids Beer and that could be seen just as evil as this. No matter wether this candy exists or not, kids will pretend to smoke. Plus I don't think that this candy appeals to kids anymore. Actually I am not even sure that kids "pretend" anymore. I think that they just play Xbox. Who would want to pretend smoke and play Xbox?  Yeah, that is pretty silly.

Now this is a retro candy. Which means that it pretty much exists so that people old enough can experience nostalgia. Why? Well, lets open up a box and find out.

Oh that is right. They pretty much are one of the least enjoyable candies ever. Look, they don't even have the fake red end which was supposed to signify a lit cigereat. That is a bunch of BS. How does it taste? (If you had one back in the day just reflect on that for a moment.)

It smells faintly of wintergreen. It tastes like it is the faulty relative of the Lik-M-Aid stick. You know that white sugar stick that tasted like nothing but sugar and yet you could dip it into sour powder? Yeah, take that idea and worsen it. First-throw away that awesome powder. (For the young ones: It is now called Fun Dip.) Then take the candy stick and get it wet and then let is dry and repeat this process until it is a brittle unlikeable shell of itself. Now cut it into cigaret shape. YUM!

I give this snack a-1.5-If I don't want to be attacked by a bear then I better fill my britches with bees cuz bears are scared of bee stings. #deadandbee-reid-out of 5.

Exhibit B:

I bet that you are thinking "Hey, you just covered this." But look again, these are gum cigerets. Sure, you recall these. They have paper wrapped around the gum with a faint amount of powder that a kid can blow out of the gum cigaret and actually pretend that they are smoking. Such a good idea!!!

I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't think that was the coolest as a kid. Any kid would! That is until you chewed the gum. That is, if you could get the then wet paper off of the gum and also get past the flour like powder on the outside of gum.

Oh snap. These retro gum cigarets have the kid's lungs in mind-they added filters. Good save novelty candy company. Good save. In the olden times, they were all straights. No filter gum cigarets for my and all previous generations. Is the powder there? You bet your sweet bippy it is. (What does that even mean?) The only other difference here is that they also offer "different" flavors. I place that in quotes because technically speaking they are really offering different colors. The flavors range from vague fruit flavor to slightly vaguer fruit flavor but I am trying to not be too critical of this treat. That would be easy. (It is a f*cking gum cigaret.) I am merely suggesting that if you are going to make some changes than maybe improve upon the quality of the treat. That is all I am saying.

I give this snack a 1-I was scared the town might flood so I poured gas into the river and set it on fire so that the fire would evaporate the water. #notgoingtobere-elected-out of 5.

Exhibit: Wha?

Oh yea! Imagine the brainstorm that took place in an adults mind to create this!

Man#1- "We need a product that involves dipping a sucker into sour powder."

Man#2-"Isn't there like a ton of those already?"

Man#1- "You are fired."

Man#2- "Please, I have a wife and kids!"

Man#1-"You heard me! Scram"

Man #3-(Which closely resembles a super computer with an ill fitting wig.) What about a toilet?

Man#1- "Damn you internet!"

Now I get that kids love gross candy. Sure, it is fun and I am not trying to take that away. I have seen gross out labs where kids make brains and boogers sure. (Who hasn't wanted a fruit punch booger experience that wasn't the result of a Capri Sun shooting out your nose?) But I never saw a toilet and a plunger and thought "Man, if only I could eat that. That would be so dope." (I have mad street cred in my dreams.)

This was a gift from our pals A and D. It was a birthday gift. Yes, I have good pals and am blessed but that isn't what we are here to talk about. Lets lift the lid on this!

First-I want to mention that you get two candy plungers. Nice. I appreciate the second plunger even though it is kinda unrealistic. I mean if you need two different strength plungers, you have some serious gastrointestinal issues that should be diagnosed by a doctor.

Secondly- They deserve extra points for actually putting some apple flavor into the plunger. So many companies put all of the flavor in the dip and that just makes me toss the dip stick and eat the powder. (Weird sentence or Meaning of Life?)

Thirdly- This experience is kinda fun. The powder stays in the bowl and the plastic toilet is easy to hold onto. I could eat this on the go. (Pun intended, Thank You) The flavor isn't too sour or too sweet and the amount of everything seems pretty balanced considering at some point you are going to eat one of the plungers. You could easily enjoy this in two sittings. I did. Which is nice and you are in control of how much you add of the sour to the sweet. Customizable candy is dope. (Sorry, I was day dreaming for a second.)

I give this candy a 4- I am a god fearing man so I built a giant stove on my roof so when he reaches down to smite me, he will burn his hand.#lastinlineforheaven-out of 5.

Exhibit: No.

Our last snack is terrifying to me and I will tell you why. I bought it at Target. Now maybe I am different from you but I can't feel good about this existing much less buying it at Target. That store, in my mind, is where we buy dish soap or clothes hangers. We don't ever say "We need groceries. Better go to Target!" I don't even eat there. Nobody should. Alas, people do and for some reason, people sure like it. Lets look at the back of the box maybe that will make me feel better.

Oh good. It is egg free. Somehow that makes me feel like they tried to make one with eggs that sat in a box unrefridgerated. That makes my everything want to vomit. Holy sh*t-LOOK AT ALL THOSE GROSS THINGS THAT THEY MAKE!!! Ok, lets get real for a second. This snack isn't "target-ing" kids. You give a kid a choice between gummy worms, chocolate bars, and these creepy facsimiliess of a cinnamon bun and a kid would never choose the latter. These are marketed toward ladies with a lot of cats and not a lot of human contact time and dudes that smell like cheese but are not french. Or just a person that needs portable non-refrigerated cinnamon buns to tide them over between actual cinnamon buns. These are evil. A 2 dollar box of evil.

Now I always imagined that candy first was flavored after fruit in an effort to persuade kids to eat actual fruit. A flawed theory I know but in my mind somebody was thinking "Man, if only there was a product that could get my kid to eat ACTUAL cinnamon buns." Ugh, this whole section of the post is creeping me out. Lets open the box.

WTF!!! First of all there is no cinnamon swirl? Those heartless liars! (I then reread the back and noticed the giant red letters saying what this snack is. I am not so smart.) Secondly, it feels fleshy. Like cold fleshy though. Have you ever touched a corpse? No? Well touch one of these and you will know exactly what a corpse feels like. I am serious. Upon opening the box a stench is released. A rancid smell only ever encountered near a Cin-a-Bon. At this point I am really freaking out. This was quickly approaching the don't eat category in my mind. On a scale of 10 being I really want to eat this and 1 being Bacon Tabs-this is Bacon Tabs.

The first thing that happens as you bite into it is it smooshes more than it crumbles. It breaks down into a pasty substance that has the mouth feel of cheap white chocolate and then as my gag reflex is really waiting in the wings it begins to taste like the uncooked center of a Cin-a-bon. It really did. I hated every second of it but I also was so disgusted that I had to buy it. The company we have to thank for making this is called "Taste of Nature". Ah yes, who doesn't remember the natural taste of cinnamon bun bites from the great outdoors. Right now, my mouth feels like it is painted in pang and anguish. Not even bubble water is helping. Sadly, it does everything it says it does. Probably the best at being this. It is garbage but it is exactly the garbage that it professes to be. I guess I am finding it difficult to fault it for that. It is like creationalists hating dinosaurs for existing. It just is what it is and it probably bring joy to someone. Right? But I'd still rather eat an actual toilet plunger with no sour powder and if I had a kid I'd buy him a pack of candy cigarets a day if it kept him from developing a cinnamon bun addiction. I give this snack a 2.5-I like cinnamon rolls but I need them on the go for my not very active but just active enough to keep me out of the mall food court lifestyle.#stilllivesinmomsbasement-out of 5.

*The candy and gum cigarets were purchased at a great candy and soda shop in PDX called FIZZ.

Thanks to my friends for the gifts and my wicked wife.

.FOOrD BLOrG. GUM GUM GUM GUM

For this edition I chose to focus on one form of snack that always makes a snack promise to taste like what it is not. GUM. It is a treat that you chew more than any other treat. This is a promise to not only be enjoyed but to be savored for longer than an average of 45 chews. Here we go!BAM! Squeeze gum comes from Japan and it is not squeeze gum. See I have had gum that you squeeze out of a tube and it was sick, grainy, and vomitous. (If that isn't a word it should be.) This gum states that it is 19% fresh watermelon and the cool factor is upped by the fact that it comes with its own tiny pad of papers for disposal. Cute right?.

1- Smells like a chicklet.

2-The taste was not of fresh watermelon. In fact the taste was unpleasent. Like a cleaner or a medicine.....There was a hint of something not meant for mouths.

3-Love these tiny papers. Enough said.

Well Japan, this really let me down. The fact that so many good snacky fruit flavored thingies come from Japan makes me expect alot. Honestly I do. In this case, I set myself up for failure. Both Sarah and I thought this gum really missed the mark and was just plain bad.
Once again this gum hails from Japan and boasts something I have never had. A MINT POWDER CENTER!!!!! Yea, I was excited. I also like its tiny droor packaging. I LOVE Black Black and that menthol burn that it gives me. Did I hope that this gum had that burn?? Yes. Once again I had set myself up......

1- A slight mint smell. Slight.

2- Holy crap!! Awesomeness just threw up kisses on my tounge!! (Too much? Sorry, I will dial it back abit.) eh hem.... It is a good gum.

3- This gum has power! Did I notice the powder? Perhaps a tad texturally but not super noticable. The mint strength definitely had a menthol edge and it singed my nostrils in a very good way.

4-Minutes into chewing the gum I was still chewing it. Did I need to? No. The intensity had come and gone. But the mentholgasm had happened and there didn't need to be more at that.

If you like mint buy it. Find it. Hunt it down. It isn't caffienated but that isn't its promise.
Lastly, your eyes don't decieve you. That is Bubbalicious and it is from (gasp) Mexico and it is flavored 'FUEGO'.

1- I opened it and it looks wet. I instantly thought 'DAMNIT'. Nobody wants to put pre-wet gum in there mouth. And if you do, you have problems.

2-If my tounge had a middle finger it would be fully extended at you Mexico. See I don't speak spanish but I had hoped fuego meant fire. But here is how I figured out what it meant by tasting this crap. Close your eyes and imagine this: your girlfriend or significant other is a piece of unripe fruit and they just ran a marathon and they dare you to kiss their butt.....and you do. Yup 'Fuego' means sweaty rotton butt kiss...on a fruit person. They sound alike.

I knew when I saw it was wet that I didn't feel good about this and I actually tried it with my face over the trash. It lasted just into the double digits in chews. And the regret is still reclining on my tounge. Thanks allot Mexico. Bubbalicious can go fuego themselves.