Wednesday, July 18, 2012

.FooRd BloRg. Just be nice. (to chocolate)

Everyone is exposed to different things. That is kind of the idea with this blog. Just putting stuff out there that maybe people are aware of or maybe not. Lets face it, we all miss things. We don't see a movie or checkout an album. I spend a large portion of my time in my head which is a wondrous and strange place. There for I miss things and sometimes when i encounter them it blows my mind.

One such example is that I was calling QFC a grocery store here in PDX and in order to find the number I googled it. Then clicked on the first listing I saw which was Yelp. Now maybe I have been naive but I thought Yelp was just restaurant reviews. You know, reviews that maybe are needed but boy was I wrong. There were reviews for a grocery store. Maybe this doesn't blow your mind but it shattered mine. 

First of all, who writes a review for a chain grocery store? It is a grocery store. They have prepared products and produce and a person that takes your money. It is a pretty straight forward situation. Nobody should be like "I can se my reflection in the floor of the frozen pizza isle. People need to know about this." Or "Six brands of toilet paper. I don't have time to weight the various pros and cons of this selection. Let alone debate how many ply I wish to use. Scale down your selection Safeway. I ain't no asstrologist!" (That isn't a spelling error. That person was making a pun.) It just shouldn't happen. Secondly who stops to read a review before going to a grocery store to buy basic life necessities? You usually go to whatever is closest to you. I have never heard of someone saying "Hey dear, could you pick up some lemons?" and the reply is "Yeah, I will just rundown to Fred Meyer but first let me see what a stranger said about their produce selection and parking situation." It shouldn't exist. Those are the types of things in a grocery store review because that is all you can really say about a grocery store. One person while talking about that the grocery store has parking (wtf?) remarked on how that made it easy to "zip in after work". Yeah, that is how a store works. Nobody should think "I was going to go grocery shopping but I didn't know if they had a parking lot.  Now if you are thinking that sometimes grocery store lots fill up, don't shop at that time. See how easy that is? If you want a really magical shopping experience-go at night. There is nobody there. You can spend hours squeezing grapes if you want. (Why do you want that?) The last thing I will say about this topic is that the top reviewer: Melissa had checked in there 19 times at the QFC. 19 times. I hope all of her friends appreciate that she lets them know that she is at a grocery store, a place pretty much all humans go to buy things all humans need. Whew. Mystery solved. Melissa isn't getting bananas from dragons and big foot. Nope she buys them at a grocery store like everyone else. Thanks Melissa.

Then again for all I know, Melissa may be the daughter of a spy and when she goes missing they will check her phone and say "The last place she checked in was at QFC. Lets go investigate but lets also walk. I am not sure if they have a parking lot."

Segue: Chocolate.

Well played. Today we are looking at 4 different chocolate treats and joining me in this post is Sarah and our pal Beverly.

So up first we have these cashews! Nuts covered in coconut, white chocolate, and curry. One of those I like-curry. The other things, including cashews, I am not such a fan of. I had to buy it though because it sounds so unique or different or possibly terrible. Sarah and I found these at Sheridan Fruit Company where our friend Susie works. Now thats store is more of a specialty market and deserves reviews. In fact it has at least 50 on Yelp. If I was reviewing it I'd give it a 5 out of 5. You should check it out if you haven't. Alas we are talking about these nuts and here is the breakdown.

It smells kind of like sunscreen.

B- Gross. It tastes like easter candy and suntan lotion. Like really cheap easter candy. I hate it.( -10 out of 5)

S- Oh yeah, it tastes like salty suntan lotion. Like somebody sweated in my mouth on vacation. Can I have more? (4 out of 5)

d- Ugh. Coconut. I hate it. Dreadful. It has such a fatty mouth feel between the fatty nut and the fatty white chocolate feel. It coats your mouth in fat. This is truly disgusting.  Also after you swallow it the flavor and sludge stays in your mouth. Torture.

I give this snack a 0-Go to Yelp and read reviews of Jiffy Lube-ouch-out of 5.

I am pretty sure this snack came to us by way of Birchbox. If you don't know what that is than you should look it up. It is pretty fun. This chocolate has chili, cayenne, and cinnamon. Doesn't sound too crazy right?

Kinda cute ain't it? I mean, for a choco pod. it just smells like dark chocolate.

B-It just seems like crappy milk chocolate that turns into crappy dark chocolate . I don't get any chili. I get the cinnamon and it ends with a slightly spicy mouthfeel. (2.5-out of 5)

S-I get a little cayenne but mostly cinnamon. There is too much cocoa. Like it tastes like cocoa powder. (3 out of 5)

d-Bitter. (That is literally all I wrote down. I know. Terrible review. I remember agreeing with both Bev and Sarah but I only wrote one word for myself.) 2.5-Check out Biomat plasma donation on Yelp-out of 5.

Green tea Kit Kat! Yup. I have had several types of imported kit kats over the years. I pretty much try everyone that I can find. So here we are with green tea. Again this was ordered from Tokyo as it is not available in the states.

Oh, look at the back there. You can write a little note. Remember when you couldn't write on snack size candy bars? What dark times those were. I like that there are even lines so your handwriting won't go everywhere. That is so helpful.

B-Live it. It just tastes like a vanilla Kit Kat. This reminds me of a special treat that my grandma used to make. (4-out of 5)

S-Eh. It is a vanilla Kit Kat. Not memorable at all. (3-out of 5)

d- I agree. It isn't bad at all but I wouldn't eat it again. (3-check out Taco Bell on Yelp-out of 5)

Ok so here we have another expensive chocolate bar boasting its exotic spice blends on the front. I have grown weary of these since there are so many of them and they always seem like they are going to be amazing. Yet more often than not they turn out to be underwhelming.

Uh huh. Yep. A whole lot of wordage on there. Buzz words and the use of "titillate". Everything seems in order here.

B- Ugh. It tastes like cheap chocolate and a ton of mint. (2.5-out of 5)

S-Awe sick. It tastes like bile. F-that!!! (0-out of 5)

d-I get tea at the end. Not too into the mint and the chocolate tastes really cheap. I give this chocolate a 2-check out McDonalds on Yelp-out of 5.

My wife told me that people review everything on Yelp. She was right. I guess I just never looked. The things people waste their time on is amazing. (This blog included.)

In closing, I'd like to leave you with an excerpt from a review of a Walmart on 82nd avenue. This message is by Emily L. in Portland Or. "t should also be known that my favorite moment from this particular Wal-Mart is when the women's bathroom had a human turd on the floor. Not in one of the stalls, but just out by the sinks (masterful)....and, said turd, was there long enough for someone, not to clean it up, but to put an orange cone next to it to warn people from stepping on it." 

Now that is a helpful review.