Wednesday, April 25, 2012

.FooRd BlooRg. Swimsuit Season Approaches! (new choice)

 Well summer is only a few months away which makes this the popular time when people start making the choice to exercise and/or make changes to what they are eating. Often people will make substitutions to meals. "Yeah, I will get the double bacon triple cheese deep fried burger but instead of fries I will have the tots." (They can't all be 100%) Some people make better choices than others.

Now I am not saying that you should eat healthy if you aren't or even that it is important to be able to wear a swimsuit. Heck, people see my flesh so rarely that it is often is a topic of conversation. "Have you seen dirk's feet? "No." "Me either. He DOES have feet right? I am suddenly worried. You know what? They are probably hooves." (First of all, those last two guys were total d!cks. I do have feet and they are normal webbed toed feet like everyone else. Secondly, not everyone needs to walk about in flip flops exposing their walnut-knuckled hairy toes. Dudes-that goes for you too.) Don't get me started on being shirtless. Ain't going to happen. (No tourists allowed.)

However, every time I hear about substitutions or choices it reminds me of one of my favorite improv games. (Those of you who know me, know that I have been in a few improv groups over the years. Those of you who really know me, know that I couldn't leave that on the stage and really have never stopped playing in my everyday life.) That game is New Choice. How it works is that someone says "I have lost my cat." Then another person says "new choice." The first person then has to change what they said to something like "I ate my cat.....and I miss him." The other person, if they like that direction then allows the scene to move forward until they feel the need to "new choice" again. You can also say "new choice on how you are standing" or whatever motion wise as well.

How great would it be if that was used in everyone's everyday life? Answer: SUPER GREAT! (new choice) Not all that keen. (new choice) What if vegans get to heaven and all the angel gowns are made of bacon and nobody can be nude. And then god is like "hey, get in on these sweet ass bacon gowns." And the vegans are like but this isn't our scene and god is like "What did you just say to me? Don't sass me!" And then the vegans are cursed to a century of doing the funky chicken because god doesn't judge but he probably has a sweet ass sense of humor.

Here is a helpful scenario: you enter a room and stub your pinkie toe on a table leg. (A terrible pain. An infuriating situation.) Normally this could be quite maddening and you'd swear. Who knows, it might even be enough to derail your day. So here is how you "new choice" it. Right after you stub your toe, when you'd normally swear, you exclaim "NEW CHOICE!" and then hobble out of the room. Then you re-enter the room. Perhaps this time you are swinging  your arms like a monkey and you then squat on that table and eat a banana. First things first: That is a rad way to enter a room. Second things second: it is pretty to be hard mad when pretending to eat a banana plus that table just got owned. Your day is safe to progress. Nice work.

Now if it was to work in society people would have to be on the honor system. So if say, you were about to cross the street, it is cold and raining and a lady in a minivan does the whole I don't see you waiting (Which I have to say, moms in mini vans are some of the most self absorbed and rude people on the planet. Here is an idea: How about all people should be treated like they matter not just your hell spawn. Nobody owes you anything. You can wait in line like everyone else. Too busy? Well quit creating little, loud, smelly, jobs for yourself.) thing. Now instead of flipping her off (which probably doesn't happen enough) you yell "new choice on how you make me wait in the rain!" This forces her, by law, to circle around the block and pass you again. This time however she is blind folded or ghost riding her whip or surfing on top like Teen Wolf. I would feel better. I bet you would too and she'd have to deal with the fact that she doesn't care about others which will hopefully make her less of a beast. (If that is possible. That very situation has happened to me more times than there are mustaches at a Le Tigre concert.)

Wow. What an intro. Well, if you boil all that down, you get that today's post is about making a choice to eat something healthier. Huh. Should have just said that. (I should really get an editor. These things would be like ten sentences.) Todays 1 to 5 scale will be brought to you by my own new choice confessions.

So first up today we have this "fruit leather" which Sarah and I found at whole foods. You remember fruit leather right? It was in a bright colored package and it looked reddish or purple. It smelled of crushed fruit and possibly a cup of sugar. It was nothing short of a delight. Now look at that picture above. If this product was said on NPR this is exactly what I would picture. I can hear that bored voice saying it as I read it. This product had better be for adults because if you, as a parent, put this in your kid's lunch rest assured that you are a jerk through and through. (I mean what do you feed your kids for breakfast other than excuses to complain about later in life?)

We can also see that this "fruit leather" is gluten-free and raw. So we certainly know we are in boringsville where they serve only one dish: buyers remorse. Lets look at the back.

I don't really have anything to add to that. Sounds like a solid plan except the no fun part. Now I get choosing a soy latte over a fat one.(?) Because in that situation you want your caffeine. Who is jonesing so hard for a fruit roll up but wants it to be super healthy? Why wouldn't you just eat fruit? Like real normal state fruit? Yeah I said super healthy. The ingriedients are orange, banana, and kale. Yes. Kale. Oh my, well who needs sugar with those three sweet things? I mean, who designed this? A professor who is an ACTUAL salad? "Goodness, I really must invent something delicious to eat!" said Professor Salad Head. "I simply can't "leaf" this inventing thing to laymen whom possibly like fun." (Coming to NBC next fall.)

Ok look at that thing. It felt as dry as it looked and it smelled like if you borrowed a prune's old leather jacket. I asked Sarah to join me on todays post. Her response will proceed an S.

S-No. It tastes like soap.

d-Ugh. It is easy to tell at first that this isn't good. The feel is dry and perfumey. Then the ground ginger in it comes on like the smell of 1000 grannies in your mouth. (Oh sweety, you should brush more. When are you gunna get married. Those space babies aren't gunna birth themselves!-That last one is Gertrude. She ain't been right in the head since she heard Rock Hudson was gay.)  It really tastes like soap. Really bad but healthy for you soap. I got no lime and no positive experience  from this at all. Plus it was like a buck fifty or so for this disappointment. I give this a 0-If you are ever thinking that having an ex-girlfriend pierce your ears in a mall is a good idea. New choice yourself. They are going to be crooked and both will scar you for life.-out of 5.

This snack comes from Japan! Just look at all those symbols telling people something that I don't understand. That is ok. I don't feel left out. Simply because all I need is that onion with the head band. Check that onion man out! (You know, every time I ride the bus I am pretty sure there is at least one onion man or woman on it.) He looks pretty cool! (I wonder if he knows Prof. Salad head? He probably doesn't. He most likely has a pretty dour existence. Onions are pretty goth. Think about it, every time he cuts himself EVERYONE cries.) This guy though seems pretty nifty.

Well clearly the nutrition facts are in order. Obviously I ordered this as a substitution for a potato chip. I imagine it is healthier and less starchy. I didn't go to food college though. An interesting fact is that this bag is really light. Like really light. The contents weigh a whopping total 17 grams. That is less than an ounce like a 1/2 ounce. The price tag was 2.50 and we won't discuss the shipping.

What you see is actual slices of onion that has been treated in some way. It feels like a cross between styrofoam and a piece of dried apple. It smells like onion. There is something new but also comforting about this one.

S-It is like those crispy onions that people put on caseroles. It is good. Tastes a lot like astronaut ice cream.

d- Yeah. You are totally right. This is onion astronaut ice cream.

These really were pretty great. Quite expensive for what you get but at least good tasting. If they were sold in the states I would buy them again. I give this snack a 4.5- if you are a bird legged small kid when a fashion craze like spandex comes around just "new choice" yourself on the morning when you wake up and decide 6th grade is a good time to wear those spandex with big pink stripes up the sides to school. Take a long look in the mirror. See how they are hanging baggily around your tiny famine thighs. New choice those shorts buddy. Otherwise you are in for a real long day of being quite self conscious and will have to later blog about it in a blog dedicated to snacks.-out of 5.

Ok, I will first address the giant animal free elephant in the room. "Jerquee" is really close to being the worst word ever. One letter off actually. (I did a google search to see if anyone of any nationality was named Jerqueepha or Jerqueest Love. I didn't find anything.)

Also I would like to add that using the word beef in quotes makes it super creepy. Try it. Say the word beef to someone and do the air quotes with your fingers. Watch as their face slowly changes expressions as their brain goes "Wha? Is it not beef? Was it at one time beef? Is the beef in question in fact chicken?"

Sorry this photo is so blurry but the best part is that it states "...the worlds best-tasting "vegetarian jerky." That is a relief. So we have the real...I mean "real deal" here. (Did I do that right?) It also says to micro wave it for 10 seconds for a hot sizzlin' snack. No thanks. It seems weird to microwave such a healthy "food."

Wow. Still pretty fattening and 165 calories. Do you know what has less than that? Real jerky. Yeah. Protein. Meat walking around with a face that you stab off and eat it. (Too much?) Sorry I am just so "jazzed" about this "vegetarian jerky." The hard part about pretending to eat meat is that you also have to pretend that it is good, fun, and that you like it. If you do like it than rest assured in the fact that you like weird soy protein not meat. That is clear.

Upon opening the bag I encountered a smell. The smell was clearly of a pet store. You know the smell of the dog food aisle? Yup. These people have it in the bag. Literally. Until I let it out. Like a cat....(what?)

S-It just tastes like dog food. Gross.

d-It tastes like dog food. It smells like dog food. Does this company make dog food as well? I think I bought dog food. However I would feel bad giving this to a dog.

The texture is spongey and it reeks of dog. Do you think dogs are ever vegan by choice? Or are they all freegan because they eat cat poop because it is free and the cat pooped it willingly.?.

I give this snack a 0-if you are in middle school "new choice" your cool drawing that you are going to have the barbur shave into the sides of your head. Not because that isn't cool but because your drawing of a hollow arrow with a line thru the middle on each side that then drops down to meet in the back  is about to make it look like you have a cock and balls shaved into the side of your head. And it is middle school. They still haven't let up on those saggy bike shorts.-out of 5. (Don't cry for me I have had more bad haircuts than you'd have seen at a Bikini Kill concert. Actually I have just had most of those haircuts.)

*Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoy a long future of new choices. Till next time.


You may notice that this post has two Kathleen Hanna references. I would recommend young women check out her and other feminist musicians and spend less time wanting to be famous for being pregnant at 16. Maybe someday women will be shown in media as powerful intellectuals instead of "crazy, slutty, wild girls!!" That would be a new choice.

(Too heavy of a final statement? Well, you simply can't new choice the truth.)

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

.FooRd BloRg. Chews life. Choose candy.

There is true beauty in seeing a child eat a piece of candy for the first time. That moment of discovery. "What is this? This nectar of the gods that has befallen me." That moment of clarity. "This is what adults must be doing all the time that us kids aren't allowed to do. This is what all of the patience and hard work boils down to. This single ultimate goal. This is what they lock in cabinets. What they hide from us. This is what they do while we are asleep. This is what they wrestle for in their bed that one time I walked in."

For some of us, that first gummy bear or crappy generic jelly bean was merely the gateway candy. We don't even look back to it or even remember its name. It was just the moment that we knew that wasn't it. There were bigger and stronger goodies out there and we would eat any mushy pea and "clean" our room to get at those candies. If you wanted us to bark like a duck and log roll in dirt we'd do it. (We knew ducks didn't bark. We didn't care. Dignity is something you learn far after you commit to how far you'll go to get a Blow Pop.)

Addicts? Hardly. We can quit. We could quit. From time to time some of us do. We embark on juice cleanses, diets where you count points, lent, and temporary veganism? But we come back. Like a return to a celestial sweetness that shrouds us and beats back the dark forces at work in the world. Impending all encompassing governmental control? Oh I am sorry. I didn't hear you. I was looking at my Sweetarts roll because I just got two grape in a row and that is like winning the freaking lottery. 

Oh, you are going to judge us? OK. Fine. You are better. You are all grown up. You have your fish oil pills and flax seed. You win! I say "Nay!" (I don't now why...) Look inward good sir. Deep inside you there is a child drowning in fat free grossness. Throw him a red vine and help him out! Don't drop him a Lifesaver. That is a pretend candy and everyone knows it. Give them something fun. Watch them smile and relish that treasure. That is how candy should be enjoyed. Not some psuedo candy barely flavored that is stashed in your desk like it is something shameful. 

Today we stand up. Today we unite. Today we devour.

(Coincidentally, today we will be looking at three chewy candies. The 1-5 scale shall be in honor of childhood memories.)

First up we have Milkita. Milkita is a melon flavored milk taffy. (Ugh.) This snack comes from Japan but found its way into my candy bowl by our talented photographer friend Nate. He saw this in a market and figured it deserved a home on this blog. I have said it before to the homeless and I will say it again "My friends are awesome." (Before you get all "that was a mean thing to say to a homeless man" he was one of those uppity self righteous homeless people. Man, I hope he reads this when he checks his email at the library.)

Let's just take a look at the bag here. We have a cow who isn't wearing pants. That wouldn't be weird but the cow is wearing a shirt. So.......Alright, the cow is playing soccer. There is also a melon who is doing jumping jacks in the nude. Can we just agree that this all seems questionable. There is also milk just erupting throughout the back ground. Just a milk magma spew ejecting from an invisible fault line. Next to the jumping baby melon is a huge chunk of one of its parents and the cow's shirt has a number 7 on it. That is some real crazy business. (I apologize for the quality of the pictures.) There is also a sentence on the bottom of the window that reads "Try and taste the difference of all our other flavors."
Not the most confident invitation. (I could see this tagline working for Tacobell. Because it is all the same.) Seriously. Try? Alright. The back also says "Candy is slippery and can cause choking." That sentence is under allergy information. Allergy? I guess "some people" are allergic to "slippery". "Yes, I can't have anything with tree nuts, gluten, or slippery. Oh this has slippery? Damn. Thanks for the warning."

So I am guessing that the cow beat the melon at soccer as the cow is now assuming some sort of disco victory stance and has removed it's shirt as if to say "I am not number seven anymore! I am number one!" Can we just agree that fleshy hoofs are pretty gross. (You hear that, dudes in flip flops?) There is also a weird vortex coming out of the cows posterior. Is this another warning? I am not sure.

Taste wise: I have previously covered a melon milk drink that I froze into a delectable summer treat. This candy is pretty comparable to that. Minus drinkability and carbonation and plus slippery. When you first bite into it the candy yields slightly to the force of your teeth. You get a bit of melon flavor at this point and then comes a milk essence. Now, I don't drink milk. I think it is creepy. However I could see how people might really enjoy this. It isn't very sweet. I bet if you like creamy things and or melon than this would be right up your alley. It would be a great gift for your soccer team mates and a subtle way to let them know that you indecently expose yourself every time your team scores a goal. "I tried to tell you. Remember the cow with the melons? I am the melon cow." Speaking of that. Why doesn't this cow have an udder?

I give this snack a 3- I remember as a kid that bark chips on the playground often turned into lava but the back chips poured over puke in the hall never did. It was important though to not step in either.-out of 5.

Next we have a new product from the Bazooka candy brand. I found this at a local market. It was sitting on the counter by the cash register. Impulse buy style. I said "I do." and it came home with me. This also has some strange things going on with the wrapper. First of all, it clearly is taffy that you take a pen like tube and squirt sour goo on it and then eat it. That is a lot of work for a candy. I feel like they couldn't get the snack to work so they were like just let the kids do it and they will think it is fun. I don't. Wrap that taffy around that goo and lets go! Make me work for it? Shame on you.

Oh and the flavor is "Knock out punch." A candy where you draw with goo on taffy doesn't strike me as the demographic that would enjoy violence but ok. Sure Bazooka. Lets bring violence into the equation.

Not for children under three? Really? I could have told you that. Nobody under three is writing anything of consequence and certainly nothing on taffy. They are still wearing diapers. They aren't book keeping or writing checks. (I am not a parent but I feel like all of my personifications and developmental judgements are spot on today.)

Dare to drop? Isn't that the whole appeal of this half cocked idea? It isn't really a dare if that is literally part of enjoying the process. "Look kid. This taffy isn't great. The flavor is like a really seriously cheap Airheads that got super stale. The only thing that may improve your candy situation here is this sour slime. Dare to drop." That is hardly a dare. It is only up hill from the cruddy candy. POUR THAT STUFF ON IT! Also next time kid, don't buy impulse candy when you are buying a 6 pack of tall boys. You know it won't end well.

It is nice that they are all individually wrapped and that there is a cap on the goo pen. You don't want your goo pen dripping everywhere. The weird thing about the goo pen is the cap has a piece sticking down the side. Like a regular pen cap. Like a kid is going to put it in their shirt pocket. Like a real pen. "See each piece is wrapped so he can put them in his pocket and when wants a snack he just unwraps one and squirts his goo on it and goes." Good planning. But if that kid is like me. One candy is one serving. Not one piece. One candy. The item as a whole. All that wrapping is going in the trash after one sitting. What a waste.

How does it taste? Pretty much as I have already explained. The taffy is waxy and neutral. It has a touch of punch flavor as it becomes grainy in your mouth. Man what a fun candy. Then the semi sour slime mixes with the sandy super sugary breakdown of the taffy and it ends with your teeth wanting to be in a different mouth and your tongue regretting being yours. It tastes cheap and poorly conceived. (Like any song by lmfao) This seems like a clear case of bad design meets novelty meets buyers remorse. Could this have been fun? Yes. Make the taffy into little checks and then the kid signs the check with the pen and the tagline is "Don't write checks that your mouth can't cash." Right? Give those little bankers what they want.

I give this taffy a 1-I remember few of my teachers names from elementary school but I will never forget the name of the boy who pooped his pants on the bus. Keep your head up Stevie Shannon. Wherever you are.-out of 5. (I bet he doesn't drive school busses)

This is Ninja gummy. This candy hails from Japan and comes in a variety of flavors. Wonderful flavors like grape... I love grape candies from Japan. Sure there are other flavors but why list them because grape is the best. What you say? This doesn't look like grape? That is because it isn't. Yeah. I decided to get Ume. Now if you don't know what Ume is than l shall educate you.  Ume is a fruit that americans refer to as a plum but it is more closely related to an apricot.  Yeah, it is like a hybrid of two grandma flavors. Neither is as much fun as grape. You often hear kids wanting grape juice. You don't often hear kids wanting apricot juice. If you do hear a kid say that just know that its parents are jerks. Jerks who probably aren't fun and their house smells of stale air, boredom,  and cottage cheese. Sneak that kid a Rollo and blow their mind.

Now there is something else I have to tell you about this snack. It isn't just "plum/apricot" it is salt cured plum/apricot.

Listen carefully. All other warnings you have ever received pale in comparison to what I am about to tell you. Everything your parents warned you about is bullsh*t. Those things won't kill you. Heck I bet those things are fun and make for good stories when used in moderation. Now turn off your tv. Silence your cell phone. Tell whomever is around you to shut their pie hole.


This gummy is THE worst thing I have tried. Yes. It steals the crown from the vomit inducing Bacon Tabs. (Even though the thought of B.T.s still makes me get the vomit salivations.) These things are so evil.

When you heard as a child that bad things happen in parks at night-this is what those bad things are.

When you hear about bad things happening in a prison shower-this is what they were referring to.

When you heard Texas Chainsaw Massacre was based on a true story-THIS IS THAT STORY.

Here is the breakdown of possibly the worst candy experience on the planet:

Upon opening the pouch you get a whiff of what it would be like if fruit leather could poop on actual leather which also happened to be on fire. It is musky. Like if you put a fruity lotion on the uppermost inner thighs of an elephant. Jogged it around for an hour and then smelled it. Not for the faint of heart.

(Before we get too deep into this unsettling moment I'd like to ask you a question. Did you ever try the Miller light with salted lime? No? Well it tasted like someone sweat in your bud light with lime. It was disgusting. Ok, carry on.)

The first thing you taste is a slight tang which gave me a false sense of security. I hoped now that it would be just intense and fruity. WRONG. Then it is like all of the air in your mouth is sucked out and a dark shroud of baneful beastly evil envelopes your tongue. Then comes the whatever fruit flavor which is quickly covered by a disgusting wave of salt. There are evil layers of sickness trapped in your mouth and as you chew "fruitlessly" to get it down it keeps changing and becoming saltier and more shoe closety (not a word) in your mouth. My eyes began to water and my throat casts its vote not to be involved in anymore salted plum saliva. So around ten chews or so I expelled it into the trash and attempted to undo the damage it rout in my mouth. Which left me with no fruit flavor. Just a sense of aged decay, sickening salt, and sadness.

My mouth, once a playground for candy, was now nothing more than a bottomless wasteland of sadness and deep regret. The clarity I once had gained has now been marred. I would like to say that I will bounce back from this but this is like when a kid's first pet dies. I know now that death exists. It is my mouth. My mouth becometh death. Thanks to you Ume. You and your ninjas in business suits and reading glasses. (Look at the package again.)

I give this snack a 0- I remember swimming once and I was about to jump in the pool when a bee stung my back. I turned just in time to see it ripping its stinger end off and its bee intestines spilling out on my back. I 'd rather relive that moment every hour than eat this ume gummy again.-out of 5.

*Thank you to Nate for his submission. Thank you for reading. Now I need to go burn some sage on my mouth. My taste buds have informed me that we aren't "buds" anymore. Here's to building bridges!

p.s. I bought the salted plum gummy in a three pack. FML

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Cheers, me wee babes!!! (EPIC EDITION)

I will always be one of the first people to admit that there is great evil in this world. (Whoa, that isn't funny...nice intro. eh?) It is a realization I had early in my life and I doubt that I am alone. As a child there are monsters under beds and ghosts within attics. (Evil stalks your elementary school halls mocking anyone short, fat, or tall.) I used to pretend that if I didn't climb the stairs fast enough than the devil got my soul. (That is not a joke.) However when those stairs had been ascended there was cause for celebration and everyone celebrates differently. Yet in gatherings it is customary to cheers toward what is to come or friendships that have been made and fourties are tipped to fallen friends. We are going to focus on the cheers today. (You can tip your super sip to the canceling of Smurfs in your own time machine.)

My point is innocence can be hell and the road to being an adult is often paved with tombstones of those less fortunate. By the time you are an adult you should celebrate any chance you get. Cheers your friends and be exhaulted by them in return. Today we will be looking at some adult beverages and in doing so I would like to propose a toast to you and yours that you hold dear. (3 out of 5 of these do contain alcohol and I ain't saying that is needed to celebrate or have fun. You do what is best for you....Like drink a chard milkshake or clap at each other while one does a sit up.....I don't know you. I ain't judging. Cheers to you and your freaky healthy ways.) I am just drippin' knowledge here. 

Lastly I'd like to quote the wisdom of the mighty Winona Ryder "Lick it up, baby. Lick it up."~Heathers

So first up this fine day/night (depending on when you read this) is a Yuzu Citrus Sake. Yuzu is kinda a half lemon half tangerine fruit. (Sorta.) Sake is a wine derived from fermented rice. (Pretty much.) Sarah found this for a dinner we were having but throughout the evening it got lost in the shuffle of our fridge. For weeks it sat in the door awaiting judgement. See, neither of us has ever had good sake. (Sake we thought was good. Not to be confused with the good sake a friend forces on you which you try begrudgingly and it tastes like an accidentally twice used towel in a sauna. Ewe, stranger nooks and crannies!)

Now before we get to the night of judgement lets us take a closer look.

First you might notice the traditional drinking vessels for sake have been replaced with shot glasses and then you might notice that there are three. Next you might notice that there is a cap from a Sodastream in the shot as well as our sink. Interesting things to include in a photo, yes? Well all of these things are clues to when we tried this drink. The three glasses are because Dave helped us with this one and of course Sarah and I. The type of glasses and odd who gives a funk photo style are because it was 2:30 am on a We had been cheersing.

Now to be honest, I don't directly recall what it tasted like other than it was not good. I have stared at these pictures and nothing really comes to mind. So, being resourceful, I texted D and he replied "I barely remember drinking it. I remember not being impressed." Hmmm. Not the best reviews so far. 2 out of three have little to contribute. S had better recall more than this. Luckily she did. "It tasted bad. Like rotten rice and vinegar." That was when I remembered that it did taste like rotten vinegar. A cloud opened in my head and I could see me making the Mr. Yuck face. Alright. We did it. Not exactly an engrossing review but the path to get there was a lot of fun. If you don't believe me just ask D or me about our new best friend Popsicle Tompkins. I will give this drink a 1-I always expect cheers for taking a shower because I hate showers (not because I am a hippie, it is because I hate shaving my face but not as much as I hate looking like that dwarf in LOTR "And my Axe (body spray)").-out of 5.

Next we have a big beer. A big expensive beer. Somehow the people at upscale super markets see me coming and they just throw out buzz words until one sticks. Well this beer was almost 11 dollars. All it took was for them to tell me it was imported from the italian alps. I don't know if there even are alps in Italy or if that is a figure of speech. "Oh, Mount Hood is the Oregonian Alp." Like a sucker though I had to get it. I knew if it wasn't good that I would be bummed because there was so much of it. Then I thought "easy I will wait until D comes over and then we shall devastate it." I didn't wait though.
I opened it and here is how it went

The beer had a light pilsner type of oder and a hint of dirty sponge. Damn. I thought it might be skunky or really tinny but I forgot that some wheat beers taste like dirty sponges to S and I. Luckily the taste wasn't as brutal as I had thought. The flavor was more like an upscale pilsner but there was something that I just couldn't put my finger on that I really wasn't grooving on. There were 3 or four kinds. Maybe I should have got a different one but if you make an 11 dollar beer not everyone can buy them all at once. Do I recommend buying it? Not really. By a bottle of italian wine at the wine shop on Hawthorne. Same price or cheaper and far more enjoyable. (I guess you do have to pay the price of idiots on Hawthorne though. I think the only thing people should be legally able to give a street musician (other than the finger obviously) is a flyer for an open mic. That way they can quit forcing people to listen to their awful versions of already bad songs. I mean dude, nobody is going to by your sh*tty pucca shell anklet no matter how much pain you sound like you are in. Oh, I forgot to tell you that the open mic is in the ocean. In the part of the ocean where the sharks are. Just file street musicians under shark part of ocean, please.)

Oh yes, the biere. 2(for being moderately drinkable)-It is always acceptable to cheers a scatological joke especially of somebody doesn't get your joke and double points if it is in public.-out of 5.

This beverage was found while we were on Alberta with K, E, & Z. It was acquired while we couldn't be home and they took kindness on our nomadic souls. (That sounds weird.) We easily cheers the most with K&E. We often laugh until we cry and they K and I sit on a porch and fillet life and its misgivings while S and E have a dance party. Try and tell me that isn't worth a never ending cheers. Just like Never Ending Story but with out the wolf, rock guy, turtle, flying dog and that girly looking kid. Same thing other wise.

Anyway, there is a wine/beer store on Alberta and the guy was quite nice and approachable but also fine if you just want to browse. On my own I found this odd bottle and once I read that it contains cherry I had to get it. See, there are some flemish ales that I love. It is kinda like if Sweetarts and beer had a baby. (If you know me, you understand what I just said. CHEERS!) So I kinda expected a lot from this. I know that isn't fair. We just met, this beer and I, but I still have to project my sh*t on it and bring all this snack baggage. Hey, life isn't a fair. (That is a saying right? I am not known for listening.)

Wow, this thing is darker than I thought.  It had a nice effervescence to it and a fruity aroma. My first sip revealed a mega cherry flavor. A deep, tart, intoxicating flavor. That being said, it is probably best if you order this (what are you a king?) or buy it that you enjoy cherry flavor. The beer side of things is solid but the tart cherry flavor is the dominator here. Also this beverage rings in at 8 percent. I'd say a little goes a long way. I'd also say "MMMMMMMMMMM" because it was fantastic. If you or someone you cheers likes fruit and beer combinations then acquire this post haste. 5-I only cheers test scores ranging from 69%- 78%. Hey, we don't need no show boating. You upper 80s and 90 percenters are just braggarts and philistines. Mid range is human. Anything above is a sign they are a witch and should be burned or filed under shark part of ocean with their stinky street musician brethren.-out of 5.

Ok, I know we usually only cover three snacks a post but here we are at four. We need a boost of energy and luckily we have an energy drink that our good pal Nate not only found but shipped to me for this blog. That is worthy of at least a month of stone cold muh fuggin CHEEERSSSSSSIN!!! (What? He is a super cool guy. Sup Dawg. (No he doesn't have a dog.)) Look at how bad ass this label is. I mean most energy drinks just go for script or have somebody doing an active activity like soccer or football (same thing) but look at this thing. A COW SKULL? Seriously? With a friggin' eagle on it? And look in the background. Is that flippin' MARS?!?! Is Mars glistening? WTF Is happening on this drink? Will I go insane on this space shaman pop? (All of this and more....well, just keep reading.)

This was found at an asian market I believe. I have seen it as well at Fubonn but have never purchased it. Nate put it in my hands and so here we go.

Well first let us look at the ingredients. Hmm. Yup. Alright. Oh, very interesting.

Energy drinks are like the fortune tellers of the pee world. You know? They have that odd yellow kind of motor oil color and smell like the medicine meth kids would take to avoid colds. An hour after you drink it, your pee looks and smells the same. I mean, what is it that makes all energy drinks have that smell and odd taste? Who decided that was awesome? Regardless this energy drink tastes like any other energy drink. The only odd thing about it is that it has little to no carbonation. Which is rather unsettling. Any flat beverage that you anticipate having bubbles is pretty sad. The flavor is dead on energy drink though. Flat weird labeled energy drink that says "EXPORT ONLY" on the bottle. Now if they only want it served outside of their country you KNOW it must be good. I give this weird drink a 2-I will cheers anyone who randomly does a cartwheel. Although as one gets older it is sometimes better to just mention a cartwheel and remember.-out of 5. (Double cheers apply if cartwheel is done inside a bank or credit union.)

Lastly we have a tiny soda hailing from Winco because poor people need to cheers things as well. (I mean the only Cheers a poor person has is the knock off Chearz detergent to get the mustard stains out their droors.) . . . (Wait, why did they have mustard on their drawers? Oh, they were making night sandwiches in their skibbys probably. Ok, carry on) ...(Wait, why do I think I get to make fun of poor people? I am poor.-sigh)

Lets start over. This soda was like 19 cents or something ridiculous. Now again, I am all for small soda servings. Little kids don't need a 12 ounce soda. They maybe need 4 ounces and some Sweetarts. Maybe. Or maybe just Sweetarts. Yeah, that sounds better. BUT if you must by a soda why not a tiny one? Here is a picture just to show scale.

Now a small soda is a legit idea in my opinion. I am not a soda drinker though. I drink coffee, beer/wine/gin, and water. (Most likely in that order.) Giant sodas don't make sense to me. When people walk out of a 7-11 with a bucket of pop, I think to myself "That is probably for a whole family of ten. Not just for them to take to a chair somewhere and consume by themselves in the dark... in a nest of Doritos and Combos bags." I give them the benefit of the doubt. I am a giver.

I drink coffee black. Others might say "gross" to that because they only like coffee with cream and sugar and ice cream. To that my reply is "You don't like coffee. You like milkshakes. Go drink a milkshake. You are holding up the line ordering your weird ass sh*t that is so thick somebody had to specially engineer a larger sized straw. While I appreciate you creating a job for that engineer/imagineer I have to point out the flaw in your logic. You don't need that milkshake to wake up but you do need that to pave the way for diabetes.

I recently saw a commercial for a product that you add to plain frosting and suddenly you have that flavor for your cake. Well, the first one was like strawberry or something and I thought that wasn't unreasonable. Then they said CINNAMON ROLL! Suddenly my mind snapped. I thought "Who is this person eating cake and was like "This cake is OK but I sure wish it was a cinnamon roll." "(Can you use quotes inside quotes?) HOW ABOUT YOU EAT YOUR G.D. CAKE AND ENJOY IT FOR BEING CAKE. Besides what is the difference between cake and cinnamon rolls? CINNAMON. Be a frickin' genius and put cinnamon on your cake if it matters to you so much. Still not enough? Pour some butter on it. Hey, eventually you will get it right or die trying. Either way, that product and the IDEA that maybe they have received enough letters to create this, and you ARE stupid. Proof that evolution has stopped quickly in its tracks and is wheezing on the floor watching what ever it is a Kardashian does. Proof that if you aren't part of the problem and are around to watch the world burn, you will probably smell over done french toast.

How was the soda? Not bad. A sweet apple flavor with a soft amount of carbonation. Not syrupy as some sodas can be. Taking in where it is from and what it is I am surprised to say that I am ok with it.
The name, however, Fruti King? Seriously? Fruti...King. Nobody? What was King Fruity taken? I am going to be the bigger man here and not make any obvious jokes. I am just going to leave that to you. (If you have one message me it.)

I give it a 2.5-We cheers before every meal. Truth. It signifies thanks for whichever one of us made it and that we are enjoying it together not just stuffing our craws in close vicinity. Give it a try.-out of 5.

*As always thanks to my friends and lady for making this post possible. S, N, D, K, E. Cheers.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Chocolate and its many strange bedfellows

First off at the top here I'd like to apologize for not posting last week. Our kitchen and bathroom were under construction which meant we had to basically be homeless during the day and a night. (Luckily we have good friends who were happy to take us in.) So not being home made it difficult to get all snacky snackin if you know what I mean. 

That week did make me think though. There is something about seeing something in various stages of construction where you realize how many individual items must aid each other in order to create something that works. Not unlike people and our choices of friends. There are those who add and enrich your life and those who leech and subtract from your existence. I guess the ultimate goal is to trim that parasitic fat (ugh...grosss) and have a lean, happy, and rich life bloated with quality friends. (I just pictured all of you looking like that girl in Willy Wonka who goes to the juicer.)

It is with that in mind as we turn our attention toward chocolate. (Yet again.) Don't fret there are other items coming up that are not chocolate and I have another full order hailing from far away. Now lets do some tongue math: do the ingredients add or subtract. (Tongue math???)

First up we have this little gem which features chocolate, exploded corn, chili, and salt. Sounds strange right? Sarah and I sought this out after she had read about it somewhere. (Possibly my most informative sentence ever.) Doesn't exploded corn sound crazy? Wait. Couldn't anyone call popcorn- exploded corn? Hmm. Not so crazy sounding is it? Now it sounds kinda dim witted if you ask me but then again just look at the bottom. "Best understood by tasting." No sh*t buddy. I suppose you could just draw Orville Redenbacher dippin his Bs in some chocolate and put that at the bottom. Maybe that doesn't make any sense (shocker) but my point is that statement implies that we can't possibly conceive what they have imagined. Ok, enough about the label lets look at the back.

Well. I paid over 4 dollars for a small piece of chocolate brittle? Yep. But it has EXPLODED CORN!!! Ugh. Now before we get to the taste I would like to point out that a typical mole sauce has all of these ingredients in one way or another. So all of these chocolate companies (must be millions) aren't really so creative. I mean many of these that we try aren't even solid with the chocolate before they add all the extra buzz words. I know I may sound bitter (chocolate) and maybe I am. Many people like finding new tasty gems and many people make money off our search with faulty foods. Ok enough is enough. Lets get to the taste.

Aiding with this entry of snacks is my lovely wife (S). We will each deliver a brief statement about the snack and award a level of deliciousness and rebuyability (not a word) ranging from the classic 0-5. By cutting this open we can see the crazy corn. Mysterious!!!

S- I don't get any chili. Ugh. It tastes like somebody dropped corn chips in my candy. No! It tastes like corn nut dust in chocolate. No thanks. 2 out of 5.

d- That is so disgusting and entirely accurate. It tastes like somebody dipped their corn nuts in chocolate. (Orville?) The salt they are talking about was probably from the nuts and the chili is nowhere to be found. My mouth has depression right now. It is as if all of the whimsy and wonder of candy has died in my mouth tonite. (Cutting Crew) Too far? Maybe. 1 out of 5.


This was found at a wine and chocolate and beer shop on Alberta here in PDX. (Weird that I didn't find one soap store on that street.) I was looking at the 10 dollar bar of this but then we noticed that company has smaller tastes. Do you know what that tells me? That tells me that they stand by their product and aren't trying to fool/force anyone to fork out big bucks just to taste their wares. I like that move Jade. Well done. Lets check the back.

So we have chocolate here featuring toasted sesame seeds, tea, and chili. Doesn't that just sound like a warm winter evening by the fire? What a comforting collection of bedfellows for the chocolate. Lets see what orgiastic occurrences happen when we do the tongue math. (That sentence went all kinds of wrong....I apologize.)  Maybe we will  just see what it looks like first.

Oh wow. It is like little tiles. Three to be exact. I like this idea. Normally I like my desserts in small amounts. A tad will do if it is good quality but is it? Lets see-

S- I get the crunch of the seed. I don't really get the tea in there at all. I do taste some chili and I like that it is good non-sweetened chocolate. Quite good palattable chocolate. 4 out of 5. (Spoiler alert: This was S's favorite from the whole array.)

d- It is pretty bitter but the overall mouth feel is great. Good balance of flavors. Maybe I don't get the tea though there maybe a bit in the finish. 3.75 out of 5.

This really was pleasant. I now want to try all of their other products and I will. I will.

Ooh. This one looks scholarly. This little stubby treat features pecans, nougat, and bacon carmel. Sounds a bit like a twist on a Snickers to me. Still it was at the same shop that we found the last one and it was small so I got it. Now i have been over the bacon+sweets craze for a few years now but I wanted to see how a caramel made with bacon would turn out. Before the revel, here is a shot of the ingredients on the back.

Seems like it could be promising right?

Well, now that we can see inside it looks pretty much like a snickers bar. All and all this treat appears pretty approachable and on the level. The only mystery is how the bacon caramel will marry.

S-Huh uh. There is something way too animally. The bacon. This tastes like a farm. 2-out of 5.

d- Somebody wrapped a mess of farm stink in chocolate! Ugh. Without the bacon flavor this would be a pleasant upscale candy bar. The overall mouth feel was satisfying and other than the livestock and hay notes quite enjoyable. 1.5 out of 5. (Oh no, if this isn't last what could be worse than this?)

Get the f*ck out. A beef and cheese chocolate truffle?


Sarah found this at Whole Foods. It was with no hesitation that I purchased it. Like I said before, meat chocolate and cheese have played together many times. But the simple ugly wording of this seems so honest. It doesn't say Wagyu Beef, cave aged gruyere, and cacao. It says beef and cheese. I love that. It was, I think, a dollar fifty. Approachable and yet dangerous. This could be bad. (Like bacon tabs bad.)

It seems so casual and unassuming there in its cost effective packaging. Looks like any other chocolate really.

When you cut it open you see caramel. I don't see shredded cheese or beef jerky anywhere. It doesn't smell like meat or cheese.

S-I like it. It has a really good texture. I would try any of their other products. 4-out of 5.

d- This is really good. Kinda reminds me of a high end Rollo. I don't get the beef or cheese but I like the mouth feel. It is smooth and creamy with a really nice medium chocolate flavor. 4-out of 5.

Neither of us minded that it didn't taste like beef or cheese. The overall taste of the product was so nice and I don't feel duped at all. In a strange way, it succedes where others fail by ultimately being pleasant to enjoy and be around. It wasn't making a big stink about what it was it just calmly stated it and was pretty delicious. This was my favorite of the four. Didn't see that coming.

Which brings us to a close. Somethings can sparkle but will ultimately fade if the core isn't strong enough in the first place. I mean, why paint a wall if the substructure is crumbling?  Sure you can shape poop to look like a candy bar but it still is going to be poop in a Twix wrapper(I guess that would be 2 poops. Should have gone with Mars. Damn my metaphors lately.) and it will still taste like poop. (What am I talking about?) Just try to be a good person and enrich the friends lives around you. Surround yourself with those that do the same. Send those other f*ckers packing.

Thanks again to all our good friends. Especially K & E for putting us up when we were homeless. Cheers to you and yours. See you real soon.