Wednesday, May 30, 2012

FooRd BooRg. Snack of attraction

Oh, hello there. I like your outfit. What are those _________? (A. Crocs, B. Uggs, C. Flip flops, D. Reasonable foot attire) Is that the kind that _________? (A. Tone your butt, B. Match the drapes, C. "Donate" money to somewhere, D. Cover your sick ass man toes.) Well that is just awesome. have you lost weight? I mean I am sure you are hearing that from everyone. You look more slender __________.
(A. In areas of your face, B. around your tree trunk of a neck, C. On your in one., D. pretty much all over. E. Have you lost scabs?)

See what I did there? I started todays post off with a little compliment. Hopefully now we are both on the same page (both literally and figuratively) and ready to get on down to brass tacks. (Don't tell anyone but I have no idea what that expression means. Is it a tax on brass? I mean brass is so tacky and ugly. They should tax the crap out of anyone buying brass. What? Do you want a brass bed? Then you should be taxed. I remember seeing a daybed at a girl's house, as a child, and I thought "Thar be sum ugly beast if evar I set an I on wun!. *Side note: I was a little pirate-y as a child and still didn't want brass for my booty. *Double side note: Not feeling that last sentence.)

Today we are looking at three crunchy snacks as well as talking about compliments. Sure they are weird and often hard to take. I hate them. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than trying to decide the appropriate response to a compliment. Here is hypothetical you: "Hey dirk, you said something funny once about dog tattoos at an improv show. That was funny." And here is non-hypothetical me: "Ah.......................(puts one hand on hip while curling lip and slowly bending knees) ..thank you." And I should add that the thank you is wheezed out of my lungs on an exhale. Then as you walk away I think "I probably did that ok. I think that went well." Only to have my wife say "What the hell was that? That was really-really-weird." Trust me. You get to peruse my life from a far but I have to live as this mess 24-7.

Ok lets belly up to the table and snack.

Isn't that cute? (That is a rhetorical question. You needn't answer it. They are tiny burgers. Of course they are cute. No not sliders. Sliders are bull sh!t. Hey buddy, how about you put down the tiny 4 sandwiches and you commit to a natural sized sandwich. Is that really so crazy? Well, lets go further down the sandwich rabbit hole and acknowledge that you are eating a sandwich sitting down. Yeah. The sandwich was invented for workers to eat on the go. That is the only purpose of stupid bread. What is stupid bread? It is every bread. You don't need to eat so much bread. You don't. How about this: cut two slices of cake and put sandwich fixings between them and eat it while looking at yourself in the mirror. Yeah, I don't even have a point. But if you did that please take a picture. That is one picture of someone in a bathroom mirror that I would care to see. Side note: Anytime I see a picture of someone, that they themselves took, in a bathroom mirror I only think about how sad and lonely they must be to make this visual cry for attention and put it on the internet. At least if you were eating a cake sandwich we could laugh together.)

Yes, those are cute burgers. This first snack was a gift from our friend Mel who saw this at a store and thought that I should have it. I know. She is awesome. Evan, her son is a fan of the blog. (Well, he will be. Right now he is busy with teething and limited arm and leg movements but if I know anything about child development it is that reading is just around the corner.) Anytime a friend gives me a snack for this creative outlet it is the biggest compliment. It is like saying "Here- I welcome your weekly distraction and would like for you to make fun of this." I will oblige to the best of my ability every time.

(A non-weird as possible Thank You. To each and every one of you. *Wife included. Hi wife!)

So here we see on the back . . . I have no idea what is happening here. On the right I am pretty sure that is a breakdown of what this snack is. The top sentence says "On top there is a bun." and the bottom sentence reads "We really like how that looked so we followed suit with a bun also down here. You know, balance and feng shui and what not.?." (I really like how casual they are being about the art  form that is feng shui. "You know, this and that, feng shui and stuff..whateves.)

Now what the Every Burger is saying on the right is a total mystery to me. "As the spokes burger for Every Burger I would like to call attention to our cause EAT THE RICH!!!!" Ok, That might not be what it says but the burger has a point. I mean rich people eat foie gras because it is the liver of a duck or goose that has been specially fattened. Seems to me those specially fattened rich people would be pretty tasty. I like what this burger is saying or not saying at all. Lets see if there are clues inside.

WTF? Is that a hotdog? No I think it is a regular sized burger providing tutelage for the diminutive Every Burger. Something like "It isn't the size of the dog in the fight! It is the fear of the brutal owner who trains his dog through horrid tests of both mind and strength which in turn create the perfect canine killing machine just like in that Jet Li movie where Bob Hoskins trains him to fight and Jet Li has to wear a dog collar and what?? Oh yes, it was called "Unleashed. Thanks Henry-the burger not seen in the picture because he was taking the picture. " That movie sucked."

Or it is just a cartoon diagram of what this product is which is two sweetened wheat crackers with a patty of fudge in the middle. See! (Wait. What is that orange stuff? I know it is supposed to look like cheese. I am guessing that it is frosting.)

Come on. They even have tiny little sesame seeds on the buns. Adorable. How does it taste?

Just like a tiny, slightly fluffier Chips Ahoy cookie. You know. That sweet and cheap store bought cookie? That flavor that most store bought cookies have. Like that. Maybe a bit closer to a less crunchy Pocky but you get the idea. Do I wish that it was supposed to taste like a cheese burger? Yes. The silver lining on the situation is that I didn't have to vomit after trying it. So far this post is vomit free.

I give this snack a 3.5-I like the way your beard frames your face. Not a lot of grandmas are willing to rock that look-out of 5.

Alright, next we have a four cheese chip made by Frito Lay in Japan. I ordered this snack from Tokyo because I thought the name was cute and because I didn't think there were 4 cheeses in Japan.

Oh, Cheese Snack For Cheese Lover.  How silly your name sounds. I guess if Americans are going to make sushi that is total crap than they should get a crack at cheese flavored snacks. (I am not sure if America invented cheese snacks. I am pretty confident that we didn't but we would probably win a war against whomever did. A cheese war. Lets start making fondue guns and cheddar tanks and do this! With how liberal "war" is being attached to tv shows i.e. Storage Wars, Parking Wars, Cupcake Wars. I am surprised that stores haven't changed coupons to strategies for war on cheese and other sandwich conspirators. 2 for 1 Fruity Pebbles-Declaration of execution! All Hillshire Farm meats dated 5-19-2012 must be eradicated.)

So here we can see the breakdown of the four cheeses. First we have Parmesan. Ok that seems logical. That would add some salt and nutty-ness to the equation. Second down the line we have Mozzarella which sounds like it would be Morrissey's favorite cheese. (See what I did there? His nick name is Mozz. Or is it Motts. Like the apple sauce...I think the first one.) So that would add some creamy kinda thing to the jamboree. Third we have cream cheese. Wait. What? Seriously? Cream cheese? OH good. I can't be the only person that thinks cream cheese shouldn't even count as cheese. Oh you disagree? Ok then remind me of the last time you ordered a cheese plate and the best thing on there was the cream cheese. You can't because the only time that would happen is if McDonalds started serving cheese plates. It would have american cheese, cream cheese, and Doritos. Cream cheese is a joke that people use to make a bagel not be the driest 5 servings of bread you ever ate. BREAD AGAIN!
Lastly we have Mascarpone cheese. It seems to me that they are trying to class it up at the end there after whoring around with cream cheese. I am not impressed. You had your chance cheese snack for cheese lover. You blew it.

Wait again. What is she doing here? Is that a personal ad? Is she the illusive cheese lover? Did she win a cheese contest and her reward was Frito Lay bestowed upon her a specially designed cheese snack? I don't know but I hope so. If you look at the bottom of her box....(BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry.) She runs some kind of blog. I went to it. Couldn't read it but she posts under cuty-bunny. Yeah. She is a grown up woman. Cuty-bunny? Get over yourself.

It looks like your average cheese chip right? Well it smells weird. Have you ever noticed that a cats feet smell like tortilla chips? No? Well they do. Fact checked. Seriously go check. Go pick up your cat and smell its feet. Well, one foot is probably enough. Don't have a cat? Try out the neighbors! They won't mind. Chances are they have wanted to talk to you about that for years and didn't know how to bring it up.

Where was I? Oh yes, these chips smell like cat feet. If the cat feet had stepped in sweet cheese dust or had a terrible infection of some sort. (Whoa, almost made myself sick there. Foot infections will do that.) Did you know that Jared Leto got gout in his foot from gaining all those pounds for that movie Chapter 27 that nobody saw? He was good in it. My point is that these chips smell like Jared Leto's foot did then. Not My So Called Life Jared Leto. Those feet smelled of angel whispers and unicorn winks.  Jared Leto's gout foot. Lets move on to taste right?

Ugh. Oh NO. Ack. It tastes sweet at first. Like sweet corn. Then the crappy cheese powder melts on your tongue and all hell breaks loose in your mouth. It is like I am having a party in my mouth but I only invited regret and remorse, both of which have food poisoning and the toilet is broken. Whew. This cheese lover must be the target of a ruse. This is bad.

The flavor is just too sweet and the aroma is a mix of human decomp and more human decomp. Overall this is the most off putting chip that I have tried ever. Maybe ever. I can honestly say that they missed the mark here unless that is what they were going for in which case I am guessing they also keep their dead mother in their basement and parade around in their victim's skins.

I give this snack a 0-I like your haircut. I think it is nice that people with special needs are given work.-out of 5.

Lastly we have Long Potato Chips. These are long potato chips. Look at that dude eating a chip at arms length away. (The picture is a lie. The only person who could do that is Cee lo.) See they could have tried to come up with a catchy name "SKIS- The only chip big enough to ski on." "Average penis length chip." (That is a good one.) (Except how horrible would it be to find out that you are under average by putting your penis on a chip. That is a poor use for a penis and a waste of a chip.) "Subway sandwich size chip." (That one needs some work but also it is true.) Alas they decide to go with the direct approach.

Long Potato chips.

So I found these at our local russian meat smoking place. Overseas Taste. I had seen them and couldn't get them out of my mind so Sarah and I went back and I bought them. Weird fact: The plain kind of the same product which came in a plain brown wrapper was 79 cents. This one with the illustration was a dollar 99. I had to get the one with the funny picture but at what price? Oh I told you that already. That price and also the price of flavor. These are bacon and onion.  Oh man. After that last chip I would much rather have another Every Burger. I knew I should have saved Every Burger for last. Oh well. Here we go.

It smells of old cardboard. Most likely because that is what it is packaged in. It feels kind of like an even more processed Pringles. (If that is a reality.) Now for the taste test.

AH! Ugh. Orp. Urf. No!

To be honest, I have just brushed my teeth. Here is the moment by moment breakdown. I lifted the waving chip up to my mouth. My brain said "Smells like cardboard. We are eating cardboard now? Why didn't I get that memo? Nobody CCs me on anything. Does stomach know?" I bit into the chip and my mouth replied "Hand? Why are you inserting cardboard into the mouth loading zone. There is no scheduled cardboard delivery into this orifice." To which my hand replied "I am out of here!" and retreated. Leaving a chunk of the long chip in my mouth. My mouth then said "Sh!t. What am I supposed to do with this? Hey eyes, are we near a hole or a body of water so I can eject this piece of debris? Hand is acting like a total ass right now." Eyes shouted back " Nope. We are in our home. In the kitchen. I don't want to tell you how to do your job but there is a sink nearby." Mouth responded "I appreciate your level of professionalism eyes. On second thought, there isn't much in here so teeth and i are going to try and break it down and let throat do its thang." "I mean thing." "Sorry thang."  Then a voice distant from mouth called out "The names Wang not thang."

At that moment my teeth attempted to bite into the thin chip. I thought it would be easy but the chip fought back, lodging itself into my teeth. The flavor was of dust and despair. Cardboard, dust, dead moths, skull nostrils. Yeah, this chip tasted like if you licked the wall of those bone catacombs. It was horrible. I can't even tell you accurately how awful it was. My taste buds said "F-this! Eject!!!! Eject!!!" and throat said "I always side with taste buds. It shall not pass!!!!" So I had one choice and that was spit  it out into the sink. The thing was that the chip had glued itself to my teeth and the chemical bacon and onion flavor was seeping out. I washed and rinsed with water but it was no use. Whatever this chip is made of it is pure evil. So I had no choice. I brushed. I usually advise people to try the things I review on here. Not this time. This "chip" gets a 0-You wear that print well. You know on some people it would highlight their imperfections but not on you. It compliments them-out of 5.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

.FooRd BlooRg. Goth Drinks?....(sigh)

"Ever since I can remember I have sensed evil lurking around every corner and in every smile." -ME

Nothing like a little self love to kick it off right? (That isn't what I meant...Oh man, this is going all sideways already. (sigh)) My point is something I have touched on before. There are things or ways of being that reside in people forever. There are punks that will always be punk to some degree. It is a deep well within them that loves The Dead Kennedys and giving people the middle finger. This is just how things are. Me? I will always be an industrial-goth-kid. I am not ashamed of it. What does that entail you ask? Well, I don't paint my face white and cry in my fishnets but I do love The Cure (pre fat Bob) Cocteau Twins, Clan of Xymox, This Mortal Coil, etc... And by and large I feel like most of this world is unnecessary and utterly ridiculous. The industrial side of me loves Throbbing Gristle , Ministry, Chemlab, 16volt, Funker Vogt, and Combichrist. I might not be wearing a work shirt and Docs but believe me I am bitter pretty often. In my opinion, one needs the goth side for emotional depth and the industrial side to move more in their life and wallow less.  I would say I am 80/20 : industrial to goth ratio.

I recently watched a sub par documentary about the beginning of industrial music and one total idiot said that listening to Nine Inch Nails "The downward spiral" is devastating.... Really? Frat boy? Better go listen to Cake or Limp Biquick. (Frat guys are like way into baking, right?) If you are aware and even comfortable that evil exists than dark things are less jarring and depressing. Hell. They aren't even dark anymore. Which I think is more healthy and realistic. Basically what I am saying is that there are people who go to a park and think "What a great place." and there are those of us (wearing spf 50 at least) who think "Why are we outside and just think about all the lurid things that happen here at night."

What was my point? Oh yes, we are talking about drinks today and they are black. (Like my heart. sigh) So goth drinks it is. HERE WE GO!

Alright. What we have here is  Frizz Coffee. I don't do a lot of these bottled coffee drinks because most of them contain sugar or worse-cream. I like my coffee black. (Like my heart. (sigh)) That being said, I haven't had this one yet and I was buying some other things from this international grocery on Stark street here in PDX. They sometimes have some pretty good items and this time I found three drinks. This being the first.

Sarah tried all of these as well and described this weeks post as her least favorite yet. Sounds promising right? Well the thing is- neither of us drink soda. I know that sounds almost unamerican. (spell check is telling me that isn't a word which in turn is so very American.)

S- Whoa. Way too sweet. It tastes like carbonated chocolate milk.

d-I almost like the bubbles but it is just far too sweet.

Fascinating, yes? Look at how many ounces it is. Yeah, it is a tiny bottle. We drank about an ounce each before calling it a day. How sad is that. I didn't even sneak drink it because it said coffee on it. (That says a lot)

So to recap: If sweet coffee drinks are your thing then by all means drink this. (The first ingriedient is sugar and coffee is second.) Also today I walked into a bathroom that smelled like freshly popped buttered popcorn. I almost threw up. Lets be honest, nobody had popcorn in that bathroom. What were we recapping?

I give this snack a 2- tombstones out of 5, (I am talking about the pizza. (not...sigh.)

Oh Fentimans, how I love your little cute drink bottles. So old timey. Usually so delicious. (This above angle is to show how cute the bottle is. It also makes me feel really tall. Which never happens.)

So here is an intriguing CherryTree Cola. I won't retype all the goodies in it so go on and give that label a gander. Sounds pretty awesome right? I thought so. My only problem is that I bought this so long ago that I have no idea where I got it. This drink post got super pushed back because I kept getting another and another weird thing I wanted to share first.

S- Yum. This is really good. I really like that fermented ginger root. This is my favorite of all the drinks by far.

d-The ginger really anchors the cola flavor which is lightened by the cherry's inherent sweetness. (That is not what I said. I said MMMMMM. But it is all true nonetheless.)

I included this picture of all the ingredients in a blurry photo. My god, how much more professional could I possibly be? Sweet angle as well. I should be one of d'em image catchers!!! (sigh)
This was a fabulous drink though. If you are even slightly intrigued then I would say buy it. I give this drink a 5-google search goths in trees, trust me-out of 5.

This drink was found at that aforementioned international grocery on Stark. It caught my eye and I thought that since the weather was getting better maybe a lemonade would be nice. (It also has a skull on it and skulls are scary.-sigh)

Ok. This just got a bit odd. I mean I get that they are going for a joke here but I prefer to imagine someone peer pressuring rabbits to drink black lemonade. The bunnies then trying to play it cool before blowing carrots and black lemonade everywhere. Crying shameful bunny tears. I mean they just wanted to belong. Somewhere. Anywhere.

. . .What. . . were . . . .we....Oh yeah.

Ok, lemonade. Now you are getting a little too comfortable with our relationship. You are just a bonehead! You are the one thinking that people want to drink black lemonade. Which Sarah noticed is actually blue. In your bonehead face.

What? Ok, two things here. One: No. You can't have me for life. You are trying way too hard. Two: You honestly thought "I better trademark that sweet ass skull and cross bones drawing!" You think that someone giving the opportunity to use anyones skull and crossbones that they would choose yours? I have seen better skulls drawn by children. Dead children. (sigh...too goth?)Now back to the trying too hard part. You know when you see a kid and all of his clothes are from Hot Topic. Like he really looks the scene. I feel the same way about those people as I do about this drink. You are trying to hard. It isn't about all that stuff on you. I get that you want people to think you are different. Great job. You've proved that all those people who's opinions don't matter to you DO in fact matter to you. Now quit wasting your parents money on glitter belts and lenore stickers and get a job at Wetzels Pretzels. Make something of yourself. (or at least give free lemonade to the mall goth girls. Maybe then they will notice you.-sigh.)

Ahhh. There is more? No this is your way out!!! You crappy novelty beverage.

S- Ugh. Tastes bad. This tastes like boogers.

d-Ugh. It tastes like bad lemon cleaner.

This is not a good product. Normally I try to make a joke but also recommend you try these things for yourself. Not today. Not here. This thing is all packaging and that isn't even great. The best part was pouring it down the drain. That looked kinda pretty. I give this drink a 0- we are all dying....constantly radiating decay (sigh)-out of 5.

*I forgot what she said this tasted like so when I woke her up from her nap to ask her, in a daze she gestured toward her nostril. So she doesn't eat boogers. That is my point.

S- (after waking from nap.) I said it tasted like stomach bile.

d-Oh yeah. It sure did taste like throw up.

I had to get this. First of all the label is really eye catching. Chai Cola? Are you kidding me? Yes please. (about the soda not the kidding) Tell me more.

Ok. Now the back here is a tad too hippy for my likes. That being said I am still very excited to try it.

S- Oh. This is pretty good.

d-I like this but it doesn't seem very bubbly.

S-I think it tastes bubbly. I wish I had some whisky to mix it with.

d-Maybe it is the teas that are mellowing the sharpness of the effervescence...or not. I like the flavor but I can't drink more than maybe 2-3 ounces of it. Not that it is bad it isn't but I am not a soda person.

S-Do I have any whisky?


S-I don't. I know. (sad face.)

We give this beverage a 4.5-How is it weird to be pale but pumpkin colored people walking around is completely normal?-out of 5.

Oh snap. Did I use the "capturing sasquatch" lens on Instagram? No. Sadly I just really suck at taking pictures. Also I made that joke before. Also I am too lazy to even remove that joke so I just keep hammering away on the keyboard as if to create distance between me and that moment. Ugh. Well that ends this lovely little post.  Wow. Not to be too goth but this has to have been my least enjoyable post ever. Stay tuned next week! Maybe this blog will just become a goth food blog. Just recipes that involve pills and smoking cloves. See you on the other side.

*How many sighs did you count?

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

.FooRd BlooRg. Chocolorts revenge.

Spring is here. Time to pick some flowers..(Oh my god. That is the worst intro ever. Can we just look at that for a second. Both of us just hold this moment. Ugh. It feels gross doesn't it? I deleted a heavy intro about women vs. men and the difficulty of not being overly masculine (overly? You say.) and that is the intro you get? Yes. I am sorry. I am trying to not be so heavy handed in the intro. So lets just pretend that those two short piddly sentences are just great comedy gold. How about you laugh really loud and it will make me feel better. Just pretend that this post started with me saying:

Anytime I see a person hang-gliding I assume that they are a time traveller from 1982.


You see less smiles at a craft fair than at a goth night.


I am pretty sure the inventor of high fives would view "punching it in" the same way Beethoven would view Kid Rock. #Bullsh!t.


Wishing wells are casinos for the amish.


Sure when you eat it you call it Asparagus but when you pee it becomes despair-a-gross. #Am I right?


My gym hated my promotional idea: Win a free month by guessing how many farts are in the yoga studio.

(I know. Cheap move to recycle things I have posted on Twitter. But get used to it because the 1-5 scale is all them sum b!tches)

So today we are sitting down to eat some chocolates yet again. Sarah is going to be helping me out here so lets get to it.

First up we have a Japanese Kit Kat. Incase you don't know "sakura" is cherry blossom and "maccha" is a finely ground green tea powder and a "latte" is gross. I mean it is a coffee drink made with steamed milk or soy milk....and it is gross. (Jk. But seriously I don't like cream or milk in my coffee. It isn't my thing.)

What a cute box these six tiny expensive Kit Kat sticks come in. I mean look at that little flap. Obviously the person who designed it doesn't understand how keys work but that is ok.

Looks pretty good right? Well here is the break down:

S-Hmm. It tastes like a condensed milk Kit Kat. I don't get any rose in aroma or taste.

d- I get no rose at all. This is pretty close to a non-chocolate Kit Kat.

I wish we could expand on that but honestly that is how long we "enjoyed" this snack. I was expecting strong rose flavor or heavy green tea taste but what they delivered on here is that milk. That lovely latte milk. No thanks. Shame on you Japan. I give this snack a 2-It would seem to me that Tracy Chapman would be great at Nascar commentary#YouDriveAFastCar-out of 5.

Sarah found this for me. As I have said before: these expensive chocolate bars can be quite tricky. They seem to bloat the packaging with as many buzzwords in an attempt to hook a yuppie into spending 8 bucks or whatever. (Also who let that jester into the tea room? That clown is going to break something or defile the finger sandwiches. You know he is.)

Blah blah blah.....Hold up. Skip down to the second paragraph. Read those first two sentences. Now if you aren't the least bit creeped out by that than this chocolate is for you. No. You can't argue. If you are into that than you are weird. Like cat lady fashion blogger weird. Like frog statue collecting weird. Like you smell like off cheese weird. You get the point.

Well it looks unassuming. Here is the breakdown:

S-It smells like a delicious chai. It tastes like a delicious chai. Good chocolate with great flavor. (She went back for seconds....Personally I bet she will finish it tonight.)

d-Oh yeah. Super good. Really nice chai flavor. Wow. Delivers 100% as promised. Hot damn.

If you like chocolate and or chai then you deserve this. It is great. I kind of want to make smores out of it. I also kind of want to drink an espresso but if I am awake I want to drink an espresso. I give this snack a 5-If you answer anything with "nunya" I will stab you in the throat. Not because you are a terrible person (also true) but because it is my kill word.-out of 5.

Ok.Remember when we ate chocolate that had beef and cheese in it? Well we did and this also hails from Neapolitan Chocolates. Rose-berry? Come on! How adorable is that? It sounds like a kid with a head cold is saying "rosemary."

Oh geez. It is super cute. Look at that little fella.

Oh no. I cut him all up and now I have to eat his brains! (And everything else...)

S-Hmmm. It is weird because the chocolate is good but then the rose comes in and it tastes like someone spilled perfume on my chocolate.

d-Whoa. Weird. Yet again their chocolate is good. However when it finishes with the rose it is not quite enjoyable. I also don't get any berry.

S-It is the little dried raspberry or strawberry on top. Also I would like to add in all realness that if you were in the movie The Avengers that you would be THE INCREDIBLE HUNK. On the account that you are so hunktacular and hot..and strong. and dreamier than Leonardo in Romeo and Juliet. (Ok she didn't say that last part...)


Ultimately this candy fell short of being amazing. Which is sad because the core of what they have going on here is solid. The chocolate is tasty and the soft center is scrumptious but sadly the rose is a no go.

I give this snack a 2-I just took an instagram of my FB, pinned it on my pinterest board and tweeted the occasion. Why am I still so empty inside? #FakeAccomplishments-out of 5.

Well that is that. Next week we have three exciting beverages. (Spoiler alert!) As always I am open to snack suggestions. Just say howdy to me on twitter: dirk_marshall or find me on the FB.(maybe not.)
I wil leave you with two more tweets.

"It is so hard to ride a bike with your ho." #UrbanGardener

"Why isn't there a catholic fight club called Taberknuckle choir? #ICheckedThereIsNun

*No I didn't post this as an add for my twitter. I was sitting staring at the first two sentences on this post and thought "really? This is the memorable intro? I will just look at my twitter and maybe I will be inspired. Instead I found that I had forgotten all of these sentences I had posted. These thoughts that I had had. Pretty weird. I started one just as a place to put thoughts and not really to use a social tool. So I thought I would share it here once. Take care.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

.FooRd BloRg. SUCKAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They say one is born every minute. Now I don't know who this "they" is but it has been quite awhile since only one baby was born a minute. (Not that all babies are suckers but they all kinda act like one at some point. I mean come on. Take your toes out of your mouth, baby. Hey baby, keep your mushy head away form that corner on the table. Baby! You have peas everywhere but your mouth. And you seem happy about this. Plus somebody has pooped at the dinner table. Baby, you seem like the culprit. Baby-only suckers eat where they poop. Quit being a sucker and quit all that jive talkin'. Put that binky in yo mouth and go back to trying to point at things that you lack the expressive speech to say. Baby.

Speaking of babies. Are you familiar with Mattress World? Have you seen their commercials? The whole premise involves a baby sleeping on a mattress and the jingle goes "It is NEVER to late to SLEEP like a baby! Mattress World!" Really? Never? I beg to differ Mattress World. I wage that there is a time that is to late to sleep like a baby. It is anytime you are not in fact a baby. Do you know how a baby sleeps? In a plastic bag containing no less than one bodily fluid and they wake screaming with a thirst only human breast milk can quench.

If you can read this. It is too late for you to sleep in such a way. (If that is your thing. Please, please seek help.)

Why am I talking about babies? I don't know because today is all about SUCKERS. I actually had too many so I broke them into two groups with the help of Sarah. So today we shall examine four lovely lollies and the others will have to wait awhile. I just have too many snacks. (What a problem to have.) Todays 1-5 scale is sponsored by total suckers.

This sucker is made by which I hope is a play off of The Smiths "This charming man." I really hope so. Sarah found this for me at crafty wonderland here in Portland. I would call this look a candy boutique look. You get the feeling that this is all done by hand in somewhat small batches. It is cute, right? I bet the 30 something office lady crowd really get a hoot out of these. Sadly we aren't just here to talk of packaging so lets get to it.

What you get upon unwrapping it is a sweet waft to vanilla. Nothing wrong with that. Vanilla is a pleasant enough smell. Upon closer nasal inspection, one can detect a light cardamom scent. If you aren't familiar with cardamom it is a spice with citrus, floral, and herbal notes. It is often used in savory dishes like curries or in sweet dishes like bread pudding. (That might not be accurate I just looked up two recipes online. I like it in curries and on cauliflower but lets face it anything helps cauliflower. Ugh. Boring. Hey cauliflower, How is boringsville occupancy YOU! )

Upon tasting it I definitely get vanilla. This sucker has a smooth mouth feel. For a moment I really like this sucker. Then comes the cardamom. I think the challenge of using cardamom is that cardamom is pretty strong. If it is dancing with you, it is leading. So how do you get is to play nice with vanilla? For me, I guess you can't because the flavor here kind of comes in waves and when it is cardamom's turn YOU KNOW IT. Cardamom never really lets the vanilla do a solo. It is always present and mostly in the spotlight. (What is with this dancing analogy? Who is the sucker now?)

I give this sucker a 2-Oh you moved to PDX from Cali and didn't know it would be grey and wet most of the year? You's a sucker!-out of 5.

Well, Mexico. Your track record is less than decent. Lets be honest-your candy mostly sucks. So I guess it makes sense that you are here in the sucker category. Here we have a SUPER pineapple and chili powder sucker. That must mean that there is an unsuper one somewhere. Well, only the best for me.... (I really am not looking forward to this.) I feel like I won a race that nobody wanted to win and now I have to eat this as a reward. Damn you Pina Loca. (Pina Loca sounds like when the bars empty out in Mexico and drunk people just pee anywhere. "That guy has his penis out and he is pina loca!"

This smells faintly of pineapple. I love how it has the indention in the center so it looks like a tiny circle of pineapple. (Great attention to detail.) Sadly is tastes like corn syrup. Sure there is a somewhat pleasant flavor of pineapple but the cheapness of the sucker gives it a weird solid rubber feel. Then comes the chili. Now I like spice. I do. But for some reason the chili in most mexican candies is just powder and it dries out my mouth and is all around grody. Technically speaking it is also icky to the max. The weird thing is, despite obvious short comings, I like this sucker at times and hate it at others. I really can't stress that enough. It is rare that something is at both ends of the spectrum. This creation is. I wouldn't buy it again even at like 30 cents.

I give this sucker a 2-If you eat at Por Que No. You are a white sucker. (Seriously, if you google where do white people eat tacos on hawthorne, Por Que No COMES UP #1) Portland has amazing authentic regional mexican food. You foolish white suckers-out of 5.

Sarah and I found this at Candy Babel here in Portland, OR. Candy Babel is a cute small candy store which is unfortunately located in the same building as a gym. The combination results in confusion as your eyes peruse delicious little candies but your nose smells horrid sweaty people. I mean it is on Alberta! For those who don't know Alberta, it is a place in PDX where men and women have beards and hairy pits and nobody showers. (*Kinda not true)(Kinda true) It is a street that feels dirty to me. An odd choice for a candy shop but i am sure rent is cheap. I recommend stopping by as the owner is nice and she imports some pretty interesting candies. Sadly there weren't signs to tell you a gummy came from Australia so unless you ask her you might miss some unassuming treats. I frankly don't even know if this rose sucker was made in PDX or from Ireland. Well, either way I have to eat it.

When you unwrap this rose sucker, you smell 2 things. 1-Plastic. 2-Grandma. A combination that shouldn't be appealing unless ,of course, you have a plastic robo-grandma who takes care of you. (*Not a real thing.) There is an art when it comes to combining rose with anything. Rose should be used as a spice almost and never the main ingredient. The reason being, it is a ROSE. Roses taste like perfume.  Sure there was that rose water that I really liked but it had subtlety. Simply the smell of this makes me afraid of its lack of nuances.

The taste is just as I had feared. I wouldn't say I derived any pleasure from this sucker. In fact I found this sucker pretty offensive to my taste buds. It isn't super sweet but it is super ROSE. Sure you can see the rose petals in the sucker. Sure that is pretty. But it SURE tastes like potpourri. Ugh.

I give this snack a 1-If you put any money or attention toward terrible things like Kardashians or other rich untalented people, you are a straight up sucker. You are part of the problem.-out of 5.

We sound this sucker at a Finland gifts store in Astoria. I was attracted to it because it is called a DUMLE which means dummy. (Not true.) It was invented in 1945. (Oh, that is very interesting.) It is available in single piece, ice cream, mini-bars, chocolate drink, and sucker form. It is described as a "toffee chew." Which makes me want to eat one in front of old people so they can regale me with tales of the yesteryears. "I remember when the earth was one continent and we rode dinosaurs to school only we didn't have schools because we were pencils. Only instead of lead we were filled with lust for the sea and we sang shanties about sea pencils and Abigail, the horse-faced princess of Yorkshire." (That last old person might have dementia.)

I'd like to also bring attention to the wrapper which clearly states that this is the original. The original what I don't know. The original candy? Sucker? Dumle? Dumle, I can believe as up until I saw this I had no idea a Dumle existed. Frankly, I was fine not knowing but since I know now of the original Dumle I must eat it.

My goodness. That is a beautiful looking sucker. Isn't it? It doesn't look turd like in the slightest. Nope. Easily the prettiest sucker. Right? Ok. No. This looks like a poopsicle. There I said it. Somebody had to. I mean, come on! That took NO stretch of the imagination. It LITERALLY looks like dookie. And why is it cracked?  What happened? ugh.

This sucker smells like the inside of an easter basket on the poor side of town. Stale, sad, and hopeful that there is other candy around. It tastes like a very old Rollo that maybe has been in the couch awhile and many people have been over each taking time to sit on it. As if they hoped it would hatch into a fantastic snack but it never blossomed into fruition. So they got a stick and peeled it out of the couch. Luckily it is the "original?".....

I give this snack a 1.5-If you believe in the law of attraction, you are such a sucker. You can't think change. You have to physically do something. I hate to break it to you, sucker but life takes effort. Now get your sucker self up and go do something.-out of 5.

Thanks again for taking time to witness these suckers.
See you next time.

Get a piece


(Ah Mozz.)