Wednesday, January 9, 2013

.FOOrD BLOrG. Are you getting cooler or are you getting hotter?

From what I can tell, people care about how they are perceived. Do people think I am hot? Do I dress cool? Some people equate their worth to how many friends they have on FB or followers (probably because they called them followers) on Twitter. I mean there are commercials advertising ways that you can see who is looking for you on the Internet. Who cares? 

Answer: People do.

Do you know what the main difference between a 50 dollar pair of jeans and a 5000 dollar pair of jeans is? A name. It sure isn't what it is made of. They aren't woven from the only Ukrainian Unicorn's mane  or Micky Rourke's hair from the 80's. (When he was doing the good drugs.) It is a name that allows the wearer to to tell others that they are wearing $5000 jeans and are to be perceived as cool or elite. That isn't a secret but even though we know this it still persists. I mean look at rap videos with all the rented cars and jewelry. Most of them don't own any of that. They desperately want people to think of them as rich and successful. People find that caper to be inspirational. It kinda bums me out to be honest. 

Imagine if every profession operated in such a way. Your meet your dentist and he/she not only has big healthy teeth but he/she has a ton of them. They have like double the amount of teeth anyone else has. They are like "I take care of my teeth so well that other people's teeth left their mouth and moved into mine." ("My grill is a sanctuary!") 

What I am talking about today is :Hot Vs Cool. Unless you are talking about the temperature, things can be tricky. If a guy (albeit an idiot in this scenario.) says "Girl, you look hot!" (*In this scenario you are a girl.) and the woman doesn't look at him or acknowledge his (albeit stupid) proclamation.  He might then say "Oh girl, that is cold!" WTF??? Another person could say "Hey, Hubert (you are Hubert in this scenario...and you are still a girl. Bummer.) cool jeans!" (One could argue that nobody named Hubert has ever been told "cool jeans" without sarcasm.) Now unless those jeans are ventilated as was the style in the 80s. They would be no cooler than any other jeans. Where did these weird terms of social acceptance come from? 

Answer: I don't know. I am just hear to talk about snacks.

Today we are looking at snacks that are either hot or cold in flavor. We will also be grading them on a 0-5 scale of questionable hot or cool things. (Also we have Bev and Sarah sampling with us.)

So first today we have Astrorox-Astronaut Ice Cream. Now in case you haven't ever had astronaut ice cream before, there is something you should know. (It is made from the milk of an astronaut.) There is no such thing as astronaut ice cream. They don't eat this freeze dried candy in space. I guess it is a crumb thing but then this product is an even worse designed space cream product. It is comprised of a plastic tube full of like Dip N Dots style candy. These could really gum up a spaceship. (I guess.) Doesn't it seem weird that they can fly people into space (*allegedly) and crumbs could still be an obstacle? Really, our crumb guard technology is that sucksville? That is it. THE MOON LANDING IS A FARCE!!!!!.....

What were we talking about? Oh yes, Astrorox. I suppose the correct spelling of astrorocks was taken. Can we all agree that ending things with Xs instead of CKs is not ok anymore. It isn't fun and it never was. You don't see signs reading "HAMHOX 4 SALE" (I hope.)

The snack itself smells like sweet freeze-dried milk powder. I am unsure what is in it because when I opened it, the whole label comes off. Poor design flaw. Now I can't see the extreme spelling of "ASTROROX." Sure would have enjoyed these more if I could have seen all the fun I should be having. (sigh) (They could have called these Uranus Beads. No? Spaceballs. No? AsteroidNutz. (That doesn't even make sense..)No?)

B- No, no. Eh... It tastes like strawberry ice cream-WHICH IS DISGUSTING! Well, this is nasty. It doesn't have the mouth feel of ice cream. It is slimy. Um, I give it a 3 out of  5. It is fine I guess.

S- Well, I don't like ice cream and I really don't like Neapolitan ice cream. However it solves the problem from our last test. I have now had astronaut ice cream. I guess it is fun for what it is supposed to be. It gets a 3 out of 5. No style points.

d- I have had Astronaut Ice Cream. Some friends of mine would buy it at the Natural Wonder store in the mall in the 90s. (It was like 10 dollars, I have no idea why. This was a gift from my parents for this blog. So the price sure is better.) This tastes identical to that except the one I had in the 90s was a brick that you could bite chunks off of and this is tiny balls. The three flavors aren't super different. It is fine but not really the most enjoyable snack. It is sad when something is so middle ground. I guess if you are into having tiny slimy balls in your mouth you could do far worse. 3- Side Ponytails were awesome and should be brought back. Not those tall bangs. Just side ponytails. They were cool. out of 5.

Alright. Spicy chocolate. I get it. It is telling me that it is going to be hot but who designed the label? It is so tacky and dated. (I am guessing that the same person who made this label also made fliers for vegan riot grrl shows in the 90s.) If you are paying 7 dollars for a chocolate bar it should look like 7 dollars and not 7 design missteps.

YES! They carried over the awesome font that was chosen for the front onto the back! I imagine that if you went to Arizona and found anyone wearing an excessive amount of Turquoise (Which I believe is everyone in Arizona.) that this is their handwriting. This is their state mandated way of printing. Some kind of geode inspired comic sans with a touch of super-hippy. It is like if you ate peyote in Arizona and saw a talking lizard only her thoughts (her name is Hubert and she is also you) appeared in a thought bubble that you could read-this would be the font.

I hope you aren't to sad that you can't read it all. I am not. I don't think this is going to go well.

Well, the first thing that I notice is that there are no huge chili chunks or seeds. It doesn't smell like anything but chocolate. Lets try it.

B-The package is hilarious! It looks like a head shop poster. Hmm. It is spicy. Not super spicy though. I am not crazy about the chocolate. Honestly, I would only eat this for this blog. 5 out  of 5-for the package.

S-I get the chili on the front of the tongue and slowly at the back. If you added salt to this it would be perfect. I like the chocolate. 4-out of 5. A perfect example of having a friend make your label. $7 chocolate should look like it. -1 style point.

d-I like the chocolate. It is dark and milk which is nice. It has a pleasant mouth feel and the heat is quite nicely balanced. This is one of the best crafted high-end (at least in price) chocolate bars we have had. I agree about the salt. If they added Jacobsen Sea Salt then it would be pretty perfect. Really delicious! I believe we covered the feeling about the packaging. 4-Also cool: those belt buck things that girls would pull their shirt through on their hip on one side out. I am pretty sure those were hot.-out of 5.

Warheads Sour Coolers!!! So Sarah spotted these for me. Literally. I mean I was present in the store but too short to see these on the top shelf. (She is pretty handy and rad.)

Cooling Crystals!!! WHAT?? ARE THEY FROM SPACE??? WHY AM I YELLING!!!! (Why were those exclamation points and not question marks...hmm) Yeah, so here we have a sour candy roll much like my favorite candy "SWEETARTS" only these are sour with cooling crystals. I am in 100%.

So you can see here that they stamped Wally Warhead on each candy. Nice touch. (I think his name is Wally.)

B-Grape first! Oh yeah! I love it already! (*Side note: This was the last snack that she tried.) This is the best candy yet. This is like a dessert oasis after everything else. This is incredible. Oh you have to chew it for full action! Next up is Apple. Oh YES! Awesome. Slightly more sour. I did close one eye. I give this 1 million points! -1 style point for the stupid logo. (*1 million points is just a 5.)

S- Sour apple is not that sour. However I did close one eye. I did get a slight cool hint in the throat. I like the purple/grape the best but it seemed to have less cool crystals. Not my favorite. 2 -out of 5.

d- These aren't very sour at all. Less chalky deliciousness like Sweetarts. More of a finer compressed sugar mouth feel. Kinda gritty a bit. I don't like the cooling crystals. To me it makes me think of mouth wash or tooth paste. Two things that seem counteractive to candy enjoyment. Like the orange juice and toothpaste thing. For how excited I was for this, this just feels like a prank. Like if you created a vitamin packed toothpaste replacement tablet. (Why hasn't anyone? Hell, put caffeine in there and save me 30 minutes every morning. Of course high school kids would snort it and die. Therefor ruining it for everyone else. sigh.) I give this a 2-Cross Colors overalls. Just kidding. Those are the worst-forever.-out of 5.

Well here we are. The final snack and it looks to be a hot one. Ghost pepper candy balls. Ok. No problem. I would like to note that I wasn't afraid to try this item. I did however make a stupid mistake. having never seen these candies before I assumed that the pepper heat was under a candy coating. It (or some of it) is dusted around the outside of each candy. So in shipping the dust dislodges itself and works around to the outside of their box. The box comes shrink wrapped in plastic but once you remove that and go to open the box you will have ghost pepper powder on your hands. It isn't a lot. but it is enough that whatever you touch is going to burn. Burn for 20 minutes or so. Luckily for me I only touched my cheek. (My face cheek...) Sarah was smart and put on a plastic glove to handle the candy.

(I just want to say that Bev tried this a day after us. It is fun to give someone a snack with a plastic glove and say "put this on to handle the candy that you are about to eat.")

B-Ack! It HURTS! I hate this! I want water. (Rushes into kitchen and gets water.) My ears hurt. (Drinks second glass of water.) i DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. (Third glass of water.) Worst candy ever! I hate it. It makes me cry more then Les Miserables. Ugh. The powder on the outside is gross. Then I bit in and realized that I hate candies like this. I want to go to the hospital. (Begins eating pretzels that Sarah has brought her.) This is on a prank level with the Durian essence. I got to give it a 5. It is what it says. They did it. Ugh, good brother. I don't think I drank this much water all year!

S- I do not care for the smell. It smells like dried meat. Ugh. The initial taste is terrible. I really feel like they could have done something different with the gummy center. The finish is pretty solid if that is what you want. i will give it a 4 out of 5. -1 style point for making me think of ghost balls.

d-Eh. The powder is disgusting. It tastes like if a desert wore cologne to smell like a wallet. Does that make sense? like a leather vest that Clint Eastwood wore in an old western towards the end of the shoot. Yeah, like that. (Leather Desert-my new indie band.) Then I bit into it and the texture is more like a sourball or perhaps a Hot Tamale candy is more apt. The inside seems pretty cinnamon centered. I could be wrong. (I was drinking wine during this experiment. To be honest.) It was about this point that it got super hot. It wasn't unbearable but it was pretty aggressive. It could benefit from a little balance but a cheap plastic box with the name it has isn't exactly going to be gourmet. For what it is, I give it a 4- Hypercolor is the only clothing where being hot isn't cool-out of 5. (Trust me I had the shirt and shorts in middle school. Yeah, bad time to be a teenager and have color reacting clothing. ugh.)

Thanks for reading. Thanks to S & B for participating. Thanks to my friends and family that bring me snacks. See you next week. (Hubert)

*Find me on Twitter. My ego needs it.

Remember everything is just a game of perspective. There is no right opinion. Think for yourself. Try things experience things (not murder) and form your own opinion. Except that Ugs are really ugly. That is a fact. You barbarian ladies need to quit it. Now I am just babbling. I should stop....

You know really, the fact that I can sit for an hour or two and just write this with no rewrites and any of it makes sense is nothing short of a miracle. I am not one to toot my own horn (mainly because I handle a lot of chilies) but TOOT TOOT!