Wednesday, August 24, 2011

.fOOrD BLOrG. Something tastes like grandma...

"Life is like a box of chocolates unless you are old and then it is a bowl of butterscotches."
An old person

Getting old is strange. It seems like your mind stops at a certain age and stays there. Remaining youthful and fun while your body ages and your hair turns grey. (That is not the case for all. Some people can't wait to be old fuddy duddies.) Age is bizarre much like the spelling of the word bizarre. All I know is that there are other males in the world who are 30 somethings and they don't laugh every time a chair makes a fart sound. I am not one of them. If you say "we should go get something to eat but.." I am going to say "I don't want to go anywhere that is going to make me eat butt." That is just the way it is. I have a hairstyle that looks like when a kid styles their hair in the bath. I eat more sweetarts than the average 8 year old and I draw cartoon pictures in my spare time. Adults can do what they want as long as they behave like adults. That is lame. I say do what you want, you've earned it.

These snacks today are not designed for me. They target an older demographic. A sophisticated demographic. Not a pale guy distracted from his candy blog by an episode of Spongebob Squarepants who thinks showering two days in a row deserves him a prize. Lets get to it.
(Not the shower.)
This is from Fubon and Sarah found it. The fact that it says Herbal candy is what caught our eyes. Awhile ago I had some black tea bon bons that were pretty interesting. Lets see how they fared:

S-It smells like a cough drop. First it tastes like tangerine and then it tastes like a cough drop and it makes me feel like I am sick. I'd eat it though if I was sick.

d-Yup. Cough drop. Medicinal. I don't like it. It sort of tastes like a tangerine but it is so syrupy.
It really was not herbal at all. Quite disappointing. I do like the tin and the individual wrapping. I give this snack a 2-if i ain't going outside, I ain't wearing pants-out of five.
This next snack was given to me as part of a bday prezzie from my folks. I think you can get these at Cost Plus but I am mot sure.
S- Tastes like a Bit-o-Honey but with ginger. I don't like it but I will eat it. I feel like it aids in digestion. I feel like if I eat these I would poop my pants. Why does the ginger man have a scabby acne face?

d-Ugh. It tastes like a Sugar Baby with ginger. I would not eat it again. I really hope nobody poops their pants.

He does look pretty jacked up on the box. Again I like the individual wrapping. (screw you earth) I give this snack a 2-ate a jar of salsa for lunch-out of five.
Lastly we have this Chowards gum. (I know, I just am not a chowards fan but I have passed the Chowards treats around to friends and coworkers who have thought quite highly of them.) I think this was from my parents as well. I think.
S-I like it. I think it is good. I'd chew it after eating, smoking, or drinking. The flavor goes away after about a minute.

d-Soap. It tastes like soap....and then cinnamon.....and then soap again. I don't like it. It tastes like a sachet.

What is a sachet?

It is an old lady perfume style. Imagine if you will a small bag that was scented and is kept in a bedroom. You know what? Just google it.

This was not my favorite gum. It really tastes like soap. Like my parents heard me say 'poop boogers' and made me wash my mouth out with soap...soap that I could chew. Ugh. No thank you. I give this a 1-who says a six pack is not a single serving size-out of five.

Thanks to Sarah for being my tester.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. I can't drink that!?!

Time again to open your mind's mouth for some serious flavor knowledge. (I don't even know what I am typing...) Hello again, summer can mean a large amount of different things to different people. To some it means time to lay out and dry their carcasses. To others it is time to walk trails in parks which I think is weird. To some it is a time to drink out on the local bar patio. To me it will always be a time for candy. So today in honor of summer we shall look at some items which are beverage themed. I mean you have to stay hydrated right? (That is not a trick question, you have to stay hydrated and yes I realize that candy is not hydrating.)

The reason summer reminds me of candy is because I have found childhood memories of summer and candy. Like eating Tart N Tinys in my parent's pool or taking the wagon full of cans to the store and buying Giant Sweetarts. (No I don't mean giant chewy sweetarts either. They were giant puck sized sweetarts and they were awesome.) The other thing that summer makes me think of is saturday morning cartoons. That concept might escape some of you young ones but there was a time when there was no internet or cartoon channels. Kids had to wait until saturday morning and then choose what to watch as three channels played cartoons until 11am or so. It sounds insane right? They were dark times indeed. But I am getting a bit off topic.
First up is Kari Poli candy sticks from Japan. I previously have talked about their candies but they were pineapple and apple flavored. The interesting thing about these treats is that they have a subtle fizzy center which didn't make sense in the previous flavors but here with 'cola' and 'ramune' flavor it sure does.

The ramune or soda flavor is not really the best. It tastes like bland bubblegum. The cola however is awesome. If you like Haribo Fizzy Cola Gummy then you'd like this snack. Sadly I think you can only find it in Japan. The box contains 12 stix wrapped n packs of two and costs around 2 dollars. I give it 4 Tooter Shellby-the green snork who comunicated by tooting-out of 5.
Speaking of things from the past, what do we have here? How old is this? The last time I saw ICEE was in the early 1980s at a Kmart when I was back to school shopping. (Needed those ESPRIT clothes) Until I received this from America and Diana as part of my bday present I thought ICEE was gone. Now I have looked online and much to my surprise they are in Burger Kings and some markets. Huh?

Maybe you knew that ICEE was still around but did they ever have carbonation? Why would they add popping candy to this treat? Why isn't this cold? Basically it is just a sucker and pop rocks. The polar bear kinda bums me out too. I mean look at what global warming has done to his ice burg. Well, he is wearing a droopy t....and jeans. (This is making my brain hurt.)
So you take the lolly and lick it and dip it into the pop rocks and then put it in your mouth. Too clinical a description? Well that sounds better than it tastes trust me. I have tried apple and lemonade. Both suckers taste like bland flavorless hard candy. And the pop rocks are worse than no brand pop rocks. Ugh. What a wasted opportunity. I bet the Slurpee version would be awesome. (Does anyone else think it is weird that a drink has the word pee in it?) I give this snack a 1-why did the punky brewster cartoon have a magic gopher named glomer?-out of five.
Sarah found this treat for me. Teaberry sounds exotic right? Well this product is made by Clarks and has been around since 1900. Yeah, this business is old school. This isn't your parents gum or even your grandparents gum. This is your great grand pappys gum and it has the flavor to prove it. It tastes like a really mild wintergreen. Like pepto bismol but in gum form. Not really a pleasurable experience but not bad either. Much like I'd imagine life was back then. I mean shoot they didn't even have t.v.s to not watch saturday morning cartoons on. Ugh. I give this gum a 3-Duke Igthorn hates gummy bears-out of 5.
Lastly I know I said these weren't drinks we were discussing but this one kinda is a drink. A friend of A&D gave this to me. It is some kind of drink mix that comes in four flavors. All of which have curious names like Himbeer, Zitron, Waldmeister, and Orange. Wait. Orange? How'd we go from Waldmeister to orange? So am I to believe that where ever this came from is a land where they speak a different language except for the word orange. That is so weird.
I told you! I am always saying 'Mach was prickelndes!" Ok so it is kinda hard to review this one because I couldn't tell what the directions were telling me so I just dumped it into a glass of water. I made the green one, Waldmeister. It fizzed for about two minutes and it tasted like a melted slushy. Apple I think. I expected lime but luckily it was apple. I couldn't drink it all. I had three drinks of it and was not thrilled about having any more. I give this "beverage" a 1-

Life is like a hurricane
Here in Duckburg
Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes
It's a duck-blur
Might solve a mystery
Or rewrite history

DuckTales (oooh ooooh)
Every day they're out there making
DuckTales (oooh ooooh)
Tales of daring do bad and good
LuckTales (oooh ooooh)

When it seems they're heading for the
Final curtain
Cool deduction never fails
That's for certain
The worst of messes
Become successes


D-D-D-Danger! Watch behind you
There's a stranger out to find you
What to do? Just grab on to some DuckTales


D-D-D-Danger! Watch behind you
There's a stranger out to find you
What to do? Just grab on to some ...

CHORUS (Twice)

Not pony tales or cotton tales, no
DuckTales (ooh ooooh) -out of 5.

Lastly I just wanted to thank you for taking time to read my messy blog. Sarah showed me how to see how many times people have read these meanderings and I was surprised. So thank you and I hope you enjoy. Although some of you found the blog by doing some strange searches. Look at the last one.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. Chocolate wonders....

My mind is constantly distracted from the mundane day to day goings on by thoughts of wonder. For instance, a t-shirt is probably called that because it is shaped like the letter t but then why aren't long sleeve shirts called floppy t-s? Or droopy t-s? Or saggy t-s? And who was the person who named a sweatshirt? They were obviously wearing it in the wrong climate. Maybe they were at somebody's house and spilt mustard on their shirt and said "hey can I borrow one of your flacid t-s?" only to go out in 95 degree weather and say "hey thanks for the shirt...or should I say sweat shirt!" (The dude in that scenerio is a total d-bag.) This is an example of my wonderfiles. Yep that is what they are called. Coincidentally this blog was almost called 'wonderfiles' and then it was almost 'wonder years' but Winnie Cooper threatened me with bodily harm.

Anywho, one of the things that I wonder about frequently on this blog is "who wanted this?" I figure each snack was created because somebody saw a lack of this product in the market. They figured they liked it and so everyone would. Or something. Either way it is like they say there is someone for everyone. There is also a snack for everyone. I just might not be the one.

So today we shall sample some chocolorts. Or chocolates, whatever. As you may know if you have read this blogity blog 'I am not a fan of chocolate.' People hydrating themselves with chocolate carmel coffee drinks makes my throw-up throw-up. That is just me. It isn't my thing but then sweetarts might not be your thing. (Now that is weird to me.) So once again I will try to be objective. I said "try".
Alright, so first up we have AERO which we found in New York. The packaging reads 'smoothest ever taste' which sounds like a bad engrish translation. And then below the O it tells you to 'feel the bubbles'. Ok Nestle, let me just start of by saying I don't like my snacks to tell me what to do. Secondly, what part of 'feel the bubbles' isn't creepy sounding to you? A stranger in a van saying "get in my van" sounds less creepy than "feel the bubbles". Regardless I was intrigued by this candy bar. I wondered if it would have fizz in it. Here is a photo of the inside.
Now I assume this candy is from England or somewhere other than here as i had never seen it. The wrapping told me very little about the contents or flavor. How was it? Well, lets start by saying don't run out and buy one. The chocolate is waxy. The inside is light and somewhat minty. Somewhat. There really isn't a large amount of flavor here. It isn't offensive but it isn't that good either. If you had to choose between this candy and another, I'd choose the other candy and tell nestle to go feel their own bubbles. I give this chocolate a 2-why are fire ants called fire ants and hornets aren't called Flying non-stop stabbing you with our asses bugs. Out of 5.

Secondly we have Joys which is a chocolate covered jelle. Yeah, I was pretty sickened by the existence of this one. Who is the weird person that was eating a chuckle and thought I sure wish this had cheap chocolate on it. That is what this needs, cheap waxy chocolate.

This treat was also found in New York in the Candy Warehouse. I am pretty sure Sarah found both of these actually. She has a good eye for treat hunting. Well when I unwrapped it, it looked like it was oozing or sweating. MMMMM. Then I cut it open and behold!
Oh man, who wouldn't want to eat that? Who could resist room temperature jello and wax? Me. But for the sake of science I ate some. Not very great is a very kind way to put it. Imagine dipping a taper candle into smuckers jam. Now imagine eating that while you have a cold. Oh and the candle is from the dollar tree. Oh and the jam isn't really jam it is just melted no name brand gummy bears on the dashboard of a el camino parked in front of the dollar tree. Hungry yet? Me neither. I give this snack a 1-why is a baby carrot just a wittled down full grown carrot but you can't make a human baby the same way-out of five.
Ok our last chocolate today is from Russia. Now I know what you are thinking: Russians aren't really known for the chocolate or beers or personality and you are correct. But this candy is supposed to be a chocolate covered banana. Where do russians get bananas? I don't know. Is this a typical russian treat? I don't think so. But we live in a russian area and this snack was at a russian meat store so I had to get it. I like the monkey on the wrapper. It is kind of fun. I am glad the monkey isn't telling me to "feel the bubbles" especially since Michael Jackson had a monkey name bubbles. So I removed the wrapper and lets just say I was not impressed by their design. Have a look!
Now I am not saying that it looks like anything gross... I am sure that is what a chocolate banana looks like. Right? uh.... Yeah. So how was it?


Very bad. You can see in the photo that the shell is cracked and exposing the weird yellow center. The density of the center is odd. Upon biting into it, your mouth is filled with grit. Who doesn't want a gritty banana? The gritty banana sounds like a porn move doesn't it? Anyway, it doesn't taste like chocolate and it doesn't taste like banana. Which I was relieved by. But what it did taste like I am unsure of. Mostly the sick texture was my concern. The grit in your mouth slowly equates to a muddy sludge which then you swallow it down. MMM. I bet all the russian kids buy these by the bunch. (see what I did there, banana pun. It was a certain a-peel!) I give this morsel of regret a .5-can a color blind person feel blue-out of five.

Well that is all for this depressing assortment of candy. I promise that you will enjoy the next edition. I swear it. Thanks for your time and cheers.

p.s. Isn't any shirt a sweatshirt when worn in the wrong climate?

Monday, August 1, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. Birthdays are for eating!!!!

I know I missed a post last week but I have good reason as it was my birthday week. Yes, I said week. Sure it was "Birthday month" when I was in my 20s but in your thirties a week celebration is adequate. I mean, I ain't Keith Richards...I can't party like that....all the time. Anyway, I am sorry and here is last weeks post:

Ah birthdays. Some people hide from them. Some people hate them. Me? I love it. I love having them and I love my friends having birthdays. It is a great time to appreciate someone and to thank them for appreciating you. Lets face it. The world isn't bursting at the seems with people I want to be around and share my life with so I am honestly and whole heartedly thankful for the friends I have and who keep me around.

In my opinion there are two few days like this. To the point where we wanted to have 'The last supper club'. The LSC was to be an evening where one person has their selection of close friends come together and eat what they would choose as their last meal and then everyone would say the things that they would hope to say at the persons funeral. Morbid? I don't think so. I mean people do that at funerals unsure if their ghost or whatever is there so why not have the peace to have said those awesome things to their fleshy living faces??? Makes sense to me. Sadly the LSC has never begun......yet.

For me birthdays are also a time for reflection. To look back on things both awesome for me and appreciate what may have not been so awesome for others. One thing that came to mind this year was a birthday cookie. Yep, a cookie. When I was a little tike my mother made a chocolate chip cookie that was GIANT. Now if you can remember being little, anything of an unusual size is pretty incredible. A giant cookie is no exception. There was something magical about not eating a cookie but eating a cookie size portion of a giant cookie. It was like my friends Aaron, Devin, Ryan, Clovis and I had quested to find this mythical cookie beast, slain it, and were now picking it's cookie corpse for delicious morsels. That is a prime example of the power a parent has and the challenge a parent has. To make those moments. Mine did it in spades. I know not everyone is that lucky and I am thankful that I am. (Did that sound right? Sounded a tad assh*lish didn't it? Well, I meant it in a nice way.) (Don't think cookies have those powers? Explain 'Cookie bouquets?" yeah, how is that a business?

My second and last example is not birthday related but childhood related. You see, from what I can gather, when you have a kid you can't pick all their attributes and interests like you can in a videogame. Not yet anyway. So as a parent you kind of have to go with it sometimes in order to have those shared experiences. As a kid I think you often take that for granted because you are a self absorbed jerk.....wait, that came out wrong. It is because you think something is awesome so why wouldn't everyone.

This is such a story. Like most children I loved cartoons. (still do. I can't help it. I love drawing.) I didn't care what it was so when a movie was playing in the theatre I had to go. My father loves movies and would often take me. Sure we saw some stinkers that I remember when I was older. Joe vs. the volcano anybody??? But as far as kids movies I didn't remember any until one night in my early 20s when I decided to re-watch the Rainbow Brite Movie. About 5 minutes into it I thought "good lord this is one of the worst movies I have ever seen!" And then I saw myself sitting in the giant cinema chair with my face all excited and filled with Whoppers and next to me was none other than my dad. Horror struck chords in my heart as I thought how excrutiating that experience must have been for a grown man to sit through this attrocity of animation. Sadly it was 2 am when I was re-watching it so I had to wait until morning to call him and apologize but I did. I couldn't imagine him not bringing this up everyday of my entire life. "Dad, can I have 12.99 for the new Depeche Mode compact disc?" To which he would reply "Oh you want money I suffered to make? Does my suffering through the experience of Rainbow Brite mean nothing to you? Which I payed for by the way." But no, he never said anything about it. He didn't even say anything really when I called. He just said "yeah, that was pretty bad." Am I appreciative of that? Yes. That is a true parent and a lesson taken to heart. It isn't always about you and you can still make a memory doing something that someone else wants to do.

But enough of this heart felt gobbity goook! LETS EAT SOME CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!
This product obviously comes from Japan and is cake that you microwave in a cup. Now I never had an easy bake oven but one time Aaron and I made a microwave cake from a box of Lucky Charms and we ate it. Although I seem to remember it not being cooked all the way through. In any case I ordered this from Tokyo and was excited to try a carmel flavored cake that you bake in a cup.
Ok, yep. So you see in the picture above there, those are the instructions. Um. Wait. Are those bananas? There aren't any bananas in the box. Well, at this point I looked it up online and found out that this product wasn't carried anymore. So I then looked at the company site that was again only in Japanese. I eventually found a recipe but without knowing the contents of the packet I didn't want to use that. On my third search I found another website that had the instructions.
Take the packet and one egg.
Whip together in a cup.
Microwave for 2 minutes.
Enjoy! So I followed the steps and made a cupcake in a cup! How was it? Better than expected. Really, it tasted more like maple syrup than carmel. The texture was more akin to that of a pancake than a cupcake. If I really liked either of those I would have eaten the whole thing but I did have 5 bites of it and it was fun and interesting to do. (if you can get past the whole 'I am eating microwaved egg" thing.) I would imagine if you had a kid that this might just blow their mind so I included a link to a recipe for making coffee cup cupcakes : Article

I didn't know how to post a link (quit laughing) so that portion of this post was made possible by Sarah. (Who not only makes me feel special when it is my birthday but everyday multiple times over.) Am I appreciative and grateful of her? Hell effin' YES I AM! Cheers to another year my friends.

(Don't fret, I will be my bitter self soon enough. I mean, I ain't growing out my hair, hugging trees, and renouncing soap anytime soon.)