Sunday, February 27, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. Picture Candy!!!!!

You want to know a secret? I am grinning right now. No, not because I can see that your nose has some boogs in it. (don't check).........(wash your hands) But because sometimes hangin with
your peeps is the best thing since sliced bread....(I don't know who invented that saying but I am willing to bet it didn't sit well for the town bread slicer union who up until that point were pretty well respected. See before there were rocket scientists and brain doctors there were the bread slicers. So often at town meetings or stonings you'd here 'well, sure he is a cobbler but that isn't exactly bread slicing'.) There is something about that face to face jovial times that can really seem to reset ones self and enable them to face another week with their head held high. That is the power of the people you surround yourself with. Cut off the jerks and takers and only keep the quality peeps. Why am I yammering on about this? Well for one, quit asking me questions about my blog....that I am typing and two, our pals Erin and Keith came by saturday and I had a treat to fit the occasion: PAPER CANDY!
You can tell from the picture that this product comes from Japan. It is called 'Katanuki'. Katanuki has been made since 1952 by only one maker. It is a game for festivals where you pick apart a piece of candy paper with a tiny needle in hopes to reveal a whole image of something. See the sheet below-
I chose that sheet at random but it also unluckily was the katanuki that I ended up with. Some of us were far better at this task than others. By that I mean everyone but me was able to extract a whole shape. You can see Erin's below-
Yup that is a star. It should also be noted that Erin would also receive the fastest at katanuki as well. Keith was a close second with the heart and Sarah had the most difficult (that survived) with the squid. (although the squid looks a tad bit a penis with a bunny tail maybe...hmm) You can see all three below-
And next you can see what happened to the dolphin-
Wow, I mean what happened? I couldn't have done worse blind folded and with 40s taped to my hands. (perhaps I will try that next weekend...) So the point of the candy is to be fun and to celebrate and I think it succeeded. Taste wise not so much. It tasted mostly like flour and a touch of sugar. So this is one treat that is best with friends and not really eaten. In fact if you wanted you could use the debris to spell a message to your friends. Like Keith did in the picture below.
Now go get a tissue. Seriously.

Friday, February 25, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. Ireland??? huh.

So there we were in NYC at Economy Candy running through the store tossing anything remotely odd into a basket when Sarah found this treat. Maynards wine gums. Here is why I think it is funny: wine gums sound an aweful lot like mom mouth. Not familiar with mom mouth? Well, mom mouth is when a mom often enjoys red wine and she gets the perma-wine-stain on her lips and teeth. You use it thusly, "This wine is good but it gave me mom mouth." So now you can also ask "Been drinking some shiraz but I think it gave me wine gums." Not as cool but it is also not offensive to wine chuggin' moms. (Not that wine chuggin' moms are reading blogs and doing sparkling rose spit takes at the idea of mom mouth. ..maybe but they will forget after the fourth glass.)Wine gums come from Ireland. I know, weird. I was unaware Ireland had any candy at all. When I think of Ireland I think of depressing landscapes, booze, few teeth, and sheep. All of those things might not have any relevance since my idea of Ireland was solidified completely from films. Anyway I had these gummy tid bits during my lunch break today and they were quite enjoyable. They are round, naturally colored, and have the appearance of say Ju Ju b's. There are four different colors/flavors but other than the weird purple one, they all taste pretty similar. I know that normally if it isn't sour than I don't want it but these were good. Not unlike an upscale fruit snack. I ate them in record time so good job Ireland. Now go look in the mirror because you just might have mom mouth.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

.fOOrD BLOrG. This put the what in the why.

Sometimes an idea can be good. Sometimes an idea can be bad. Sometimes an idea can get you incarcerated. It is my earnest feeling that those responsible for this 'idea' be promptly incarcerated with all of the 'fruits' of their labor. I give you the partial review (why partial? I will get to that after the pic. geesh.) of this-So in the rare chance that you haven't heard of Durian I will break it down for you. Durian is a cranium sized fruit covered in spines that once cracked open has a fruit with the consistency of yogurt. Sound good? Well it has a scent.....and the scent has been described as quite unfavorable in everything I have read or seen on t.v. So my awesome wife and I were in Fubon on 82nd here in PDX and she found this gem. Now they sell the fruit there but for some reason we liked the weird essence idea. See, the point of this blog isn't to eat weird sh*t for the sake of eating weird sh*t. There are enough of those and t.v. shows doing the same thing. But regardless we bought this and when Dave came by we opened it. To be honest, Dave opened it and took a deep breath. Which he quickly regretted as the essence crawled up in his nose and layed stink eggs in his brain. This business is so rank that just breaking the seal released an invisible cloud of dank doom. I know what you are thinking 'cut to the chase, what does it smell like?'

Well, put on your imagination caps because here is how I would describe it. If an onion ate a rancid egg salad sandwich that in turn gave it horrible gas which it released into a gym sock freshly worn by a sweaty teenager and then someone put that sock over your head all while you are at the country fair working an armpit hair dreading booth. Yeah, it is that bad. Go ahead and reread that last sentence and then try to ask me 'why didn't you cook with it?' There is no possible way I could make my house smell like that. I doubt it would ever leave. But who doesn't want muffins that smell like the back seat of a cab after fleet week? You couldn't even cleanse the house with sage and holy water. I am telling you the devil is here in fruit form and his sur name is DURIAN. I asked Dave for a comment on the aroma but he is most likely in the theatre watching Big Mommas House 3 and has his phone off. Sarah added that it also has a burnt hair smell to it as well. So that ought to really sell it to you. mmmmmmmmm.

In closing, I still have this essence in case you'd like to try it. If you do, you have problems. Sorry to be the blog that had to break it to you. It is ...Hold on, Dave must have just got out of BMH3 (as he calls it) and he says it smelled like 'a wet dog crawled up his nose and farted until it died.) Excellent. Lastly I ask you to look at how much you are to use of this evil elixer in your food. Till next time.
Oh and screw you Thailand. I don't fart in jars and mail them to you. (yet)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. Beerzie Giftzie!

My manrageous bro in law brought me this beer this presidents day. What a nice surprise. Who doesn't want to drink something named after a place where men go and handle things and not wash their hands. Seriously, as a male who once in awhile has to urinate, I know that if you have ever touched a door knob in a mens room you have touched at least 1000 penises. Fact checked. Now, I didn't wait and see a thousand men not wash their hands but think on average hom many people use a public restroom in a day. Now think about who cleans that restroom and how thorough those standards are kept in check. You want to know what the real kicker here is? The more sports loving, sexist, queer hating, junk scratching, manly men wash their hands the least meaning they have literally touched millions of each others man bits. If they thought about it then they'd have to kick their own buttocks. (*just cuz I called my bro in law manrageous doesn't mean he doesn't wash his hands. I bet he is such a gentleman he washes his hands as well a others hands for them.)

Oh yea, the beer: it is a red ale. I like red ales. I have had about 20 types and this is in the top 5.

.FOOrD BLOrG. Gummies Yummies!...from Mexico?

I know you know how I feel about Mexico and their snackies. Particularly their candy. (For shame!) However (wha? I didn't see this coming?!?!?!) this candy is different......But before you put on your poncho and skeedadle to your local mexican grocer (skee-dadle? is that even a certainly isn't spanish) remember that I kinda have a soft spot for sour candy and chalky candy like Sweetarts. So we aren't about to discuss a gourmet treat here....just some mexican candy. (why did that sound mean?) BEHOLD!You can't quite tell in the photo but they are gumdrops with those crappy ball berring (I know I mispelled that, I ain't a machinist!) candies stuck to the outside. First lets discus what this candy is not: chili flavored. Thank god, (they really like him there....or at least Mary) Mexico made a candy that isn't going to taste like it has sweat on it. (I hope) So it was with that hope that I pushed the first treat right into my sugar mouth. Lets just go with mouth.

Not bad. If you have ever had a sub par gummy candy with a touch of tartness than you can imagine this. Just glue crappy cake decorations to it and there you go. Now, I get that the cake decorations are there to make them look like fresh berries because there are SO many fresh blackberries and strawberries all over mexico. Right? Anyway, I didn't mind this snack but that being said I have eaten sour Mike and Ikes and those downright suck. I finished all of the Moritas during my lunch break at work. It is the first candy from Mexico that I have even eaten three pieces of. So tip of the sour sombrero to you for a 49 cent palatable treat to interupt an average work day. Au revoir!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. Beerziez! From other lands.....hmmm.

Anyone who knows me, like really knows me, knows that I enjoy a beer from time to time. Sometimes that enjoyment sends me into a search for new or well, just different types of said beverage. Which is an odd thing because it is like saying 'oh, I like beer but would really like to not know how it will taste.' Which really is weird. You know what it is like? Its like pooping with your arms over your head. Partly familiar and partly really confusing. You don't know what I am talking about? Try it once. Everything from the nipples down is business as usual and then your brain is like 'really? arms in the air? are we celebrating? Confusing. But don't try it too many times or everytime you are on a rollercoaster you will boom boom in your britches. (which you may or may not do anyway...) also if you are at a football game and the wave comes around....not cool. What were we talking about? Oh yea, beers.....from Russia. (not with love)Clearly the first beer I purchased here is because it is named for a downed horse in the first Kentucky Derby. (that isn't true)....(but it could be) Truth be told these three beers were found at a Russian grocery store in far out SE PDX. This beer was SKUNKY. Ick. I really don't like skunky beers. I don't smoke weed and don't want beverages that taste like how weed smells. Who are these people who do? If you do then please let me know. I don't get it. Next!
Ok so, Golden Pheasant....nice name. This sounds classy and could be better. Right? Nope, at this point I think there is a good reason Russia isn't known for its beer. In fact the top three exports are 1. oil. 2. aluminum. 3. steel products. Are you bored yet? Because boredom is number 4. (also not true) Beer is nowhere near the top of the list. This beer was forgettable but almost ok. Almost. This is the only one of all three that I finished. That is more we can say for Zartucky Gus in the derby. (he was shot).......(remember, not really)
Here we are with the last one. Look at the label. It looks like a hobo beer., that is pretty close to hobo beer. For all I know, in Russia, this is hobo beer. (but in russia hobo beer drinks you!- Yakov Smirnoff)...(not really) This demon beer was revolting. I drank a quarter of it and it went from cold kinda like Steel Reserve to that with a weird cream flavor. Sick. Disgusting. Revolting. I should no better. I should and to be honest, I kinda did but for the sake of having a Russian trinity of brews I bought it. Look here is the brass tax here. Russia makes beer like mexico makes candy- like they don't know it goes in your mouth where your tastebuds are. That simply has to be it. TAA-DAA!!!! (you are welcome)....(that is true).

Saturday, February 12, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. eating babies!!!

Sometimes snacks involve a tidbit of gimmick. Sometimes that is pretty much all they are. Sadly this is one of those cases. BOY CANDY!So here is the deal. The whole deal. This candy comes from Japan and it is called Boy Candy. Why you might ask? No it isn't flavored like boy. No it isn't made of boy. It simply is a candy with a boys face on it. Thats pretty much all there is to this snack. It tastes like any hard candy. Hard candy with no flavor. As usual I was excited to get this treat but I figured it would at least be sweet but it really has nothing going for it...except for having a face. Have a look-

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. tiny tiny tiny eatz....

Bonjour.....I don't know why I started this off with french as there is nothing french about todays treat but I suppose since I don't speak Japanese it will have to do. Yup, today's little goodie is from Japan. Although we came across it on our recent trip to NYC. Oh man, did we find a treasure trove of delights (or disgust) there! So make sure all three of you stay tuned for that as I try to be more active on here. We were both super ill for awhile and then were in NY for a week so I apologize for the slow updates. And now, KAOL!Alright, so the appeal of these mints is that they come in a tiny charming perfume bottle and they look exactly like those silver cake decorations that you secretly liked to eat as a child. Yea, so the second that I saw them I had to have them. Sure 12 dollars for tiny mints (that might taste entirely too gross to ever finish) might not reek of wisdom it had to be done. So here we go:

1. upon opening the bottle I noticed no real scent. Which to be honest I was at ease with since I have had rose pastiles and they smell like the doom your mouth will taste.

2. the initial taste is subtle like the first layer is wax almost which slowly gives way into a slight mint.... and then it goes a tad musky. like grandma's closet kind of musky. (I realize my last post also included an elderly reference but moth balls and oak and red door make you think of what?)

3. This really is one of the most mysterious mints I have ever had. It evolves and retreats in waves of wood, mint in the most organic sense, and parafin. Yeah, like an incense or better yet a candle in your mouth...minus the fire.

In the end, it comes down to a promise. I have no idea what that promise is but I guess it is mint. It delivered that. Since it comes in a perfume bottle I am going to say it delivered that as well. Kudos Japan, I am at a loss for words on this crazy non-sweet sweet. I should note that I ate two about 20 min. ago and my mouth is very well perfumed I want to hang a tiny hoodie in there so I can wear it tomorrow and smell like minty pine. If I could fit into a tiny hoodie. Just saying.....

Friday, February 4, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. Drink it...or don't.

Have you ever thought this '' I'd like to have the option of having the taste in my mouth as if I had licked an old ladies wig EVEN if there isn't a willing old lady around.'' Me neither. But if you know someone who is into that kind of thing, well, here you go-First of all, let me say that this drink is hard to swallow.....and smell. It is disgusting. It actually tastes like if you asked an old bald lady to jog around her walker and then lifted her wig and licked her sweaty forehead. I really wish I could sell this better but I can't fathom who this drink is for. Sarah bought this in NYC on our recent trip and all I can say is that I hope the thousand other items we bought taste one billion times better than this sickening concoction. I will keep this post short and anyone from Jersey.