Tuesday, March 13, 2012

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Time to take your medicine.

Well if you are human than you've probably been sick at least once this winter. This winter has been brutal with the sickness. As we all know, sometimes you can't get well without taking your medicine. Why? Simply because it makes you better. How? Simply because you have choosen to take it thus exposing your insides to the gifts of modern medicine. You choose. Go natural and possibly get pneumonia or visit the doc for meds. That is my point. Somethings help and somethings are just a smoke screen or an illusion. If you don't want to get better than don't take anything. In fact, if you don't want to know than don't go to the doctor. That is a choice. You have to go the the doctor for that information. You don't just walk up to a person on the street and say "What did you have for lunch?" and their reply is "You have pneumonia." Sure this could happen but chances are slim at best.

Why then, I ask you, when I log into Facebook is there recently nothing but the NEWS. Seriously people. You aren't impacting anything under the illusion of sharing a news site. You have made no difference. You have made no donation. You have made as little effort, that could be called effort, as possible to change or impact any outcome. All you have done is depressed me AND might I add that I did nothing to deserve this. What could I possibly have been guilty of? All I wanted to know was if you ate a sandwich. Remember when that was pretty much every post? "Making a sandwich for dinner!" Minutes later "Successful sandwich preparation. Here goes nothing." Even later posted by their significant other "My man sure can make a mean sammich!!!LOL" Do you remember those fun and innocent times? I do. Did I bitch about it then? You bet your ass I did but I didn't know what I know now. (Hind sight is cheeky that way.) Innocence IS better. That is what I want from a social network. If I wanted news than I would go look for the news. Keep your chocolate out of my peanut butter OK. (Quit thinking about Peanut butter cups and agree with me.) They should create a FB just for serious news and call it SERIOUSFACE. Everyone can go there are be grumpsters and pretend that their repost saved a starving kid while they eat expensive supposed organic food and drink an 8 dollar beer. Leave me to spend my free time calmly learning that Walt made tacos and that my mom has a new birdhouse. See how relaxing that information is? Ahhhh.


Yes, today all of these snacky darlings have medicinal purposes in one way or another. (Or maybe they just taste like medicine either way you get the theme.)

Up first we have this lovely snack which was procured from a local asian grocery. How can you go wrong with a green tea candy with some kind of weeping center? Many ways actually but I bought this for health reasons. (I buy any candy for its mental health aiding abilities.) Green tea supposedly helps your immune system, fights rheumatoid arthritis, lowers cholesterol levels, and does something not pro-cancer. I don't know if any of that is true. I just eat candy.

Well it sure is pretty. Um, but what is that in the center? Is that a generic tylenol? Is this green tea candy some kind of roofie? There is only one way to figure this out-down the hatch. The first sensation in the mouth is green tea. Green tea was their angle and they are crushing it in that arena. This little smooth hard candy has green tea flavor in spades. Also a fake lemon taste like in Lipton tea. You know, the kind that comes in powder form and some kids eat it. (I KNOW NOT OF THOSE KIDS.)Wow. It isn't overly sweet either which I like. That being said I am now waiting for the walls to erode (of the candy..unless this is a roofie.) so I can taste that weeping lemon pocket. (Ugh. Please don't let me ever type that combination of words again. Also please go forth and call people weeping lemon pockets. "OMG. Did you hear about Glenda? She totally did the horizontal mambo with Herald and Bueford. What A Weeping Lemon Pocket." OR "Hey Todd! Shut yer weepin' lemon pocket! You's couldn't name da capitol of Salem!) So I sat, waiting for what must have been many pieces of a minute. Lets be honest, it was a minute. Then I bit into it. Not the lemon center I expected. First of all it wasn't gooey like the cover of the bag. It wasn't powdery like I thought it might be either. It was just something strange. Kinda fizzy. I don't know what it is or why they hid it in the middle of this candy disc but it is creeping me out. Give me a weeping lemon pocket any day compared to this. While it does deliver on what it says, I ate it a good ten minutes ago and my mouth tastes like it was frequently and recently tea bagged. (With actual tea.) For that reason, I give this snack a 2.5- If you are wearing a green jacket and carrying a clip board on the street don't talk to me-out of 5.

This snack I picked up at Fubonn here in PDX and then Sarah got me box at a different market and then our good friend Nate sent me some goodies and these were among the contents! (How about that. A beautiful lady, a pale troll, and an amazingly talented photographer-all around nice guy, all buying the same snack. *I will let you figure out who is who in that scenario. Although I think my pictures rule me out of the latter choice and my man goods rule me out of the first. Bummer.)

Ginger is used to treat ovarian cancer, prevent colon cancer, migraine relief and menstrual cramp relief among many other things. Pretty much it is said to fight or aid most things. All and all ginger has a pretty positive rap. Hey, look at that exciting news bursting off the front of the packaging! FOIL WRAPPED! That is like a toy and a candy in one! In your face Transformers this is a true two in one combo! We could make a foil pile, have a foil war, pretend it is snowing sticky foil snow, or just do some old fashioned littering. (Which all of those tasks lead to anyway.) Nice! Lets check out the back.

Wait a minute. Hmmm. Really? At any time? I mean sure sometimes but "any time"? I think not. Here are some examples: "Elanor, you husband has died from a slow debilitating disease. Sure he hasn't known who you were for years and that was hard, in particularly on the nurses that he kept hitting on but now he is in a better place-our furnace. Ginger candy?" Or "Leonard, you are diabetic. Ginger candy?" Or "Little Timmy, your mother and I are separating. Ginger candy? No, we aren't separating candy. We don't love each other anymore. That is why we had you and you made it worse. How about now, ginger candy?" Sure the people in those situations are assholes but let's look at some other options. "Darling Linda, I have had strong feelings for you since I first saw you in Algebra. It has taken me a long time to save up but I am finally ready to make that long awaited commitment. If you are reading this I have committed myself into the looney bin. Please find enclosed a ginger candy." Or "Stan and Elana? Oh there you are. I am Dr. Wangelstein, oh I just noticed that you are both redheads. Well, anyway it is a boy. Ginger candy?" (Hold on, in that last scenario where the doctor speaks to the parents in the waiting room...why were both parents in the waiting room?) Lets move on.

Well, I can honestly say that I did't expect that. It looks black with weird white powder on it. Oh my, it smells like what I'd imagine a horses knee would smell like. You know?!? Lets see how it tastes. Well first things first, I expected the texture of caramel but it is way denser than that. This is a serious chew here and as it warms in your mouth it has a slight wavering sweetness and it begins adhering to your teeth as if it is fighting back. This is not my cup of ginger tea. I spit it out after a minute. In my nonprofessional opinion it just has too much honey or gelatin or horse in it. When I think ginger I think about earthy powerful ginger not viscous honey sweetness. The side of the box suggests putting three candies in a cup of hot water to make ginger tea. Yeah right. I would rather drink the hot water thus burning my taste buds and not have to deal with your horse treats. The good news if this is your thing is that the price for a box of these is 89 cents and each box houses 10-12 candies. Cheap. I mean I didn't care for the candy but I will always cherish the foil. I give this treat a 2-for every world event you repost FB tells your friends twice as many times that you are listening to Tom Petty and just listened to Dave Mathews-out of 5.

We got this at Edelweiss here in PDX. I bought it because I had no idea what it was and that usually never bodes well for my mouth and/or stomach.

So what we have here is a sugar free Eucalyptus pastille. Wow does that sound like fun or what? I imagine this is what disapointment tastes like for Norweigan children. Imagine the wide eyed hopeful child approaching their bestemamma or bestepappa (Norweigan for grandma and grandpa) as their grandparent reaches into their purse (reindeer skin most likely) and asks if they want a piece of candy? The child answers back a resounding "JA!" (Norwegan for yes) and the grandparent produces this. This sad looking confection. I mean it looks like a dirty stepped on jujube.

Eucalyptus is supposed to aid in skin irritations, respiratory infections, and ear infections. What part of that doesn't sound yummy?

Is it good? Well, it tastes like menthol and something weird. The weird part I am assuming is eucalyptus. I don't know what it normally tastes like but if this is it than no thank you. It is medicinal tasting by all measurements of the word. As if that is enough to not enjoy, the texture is that of a piece of rubber. Like you are eating Bengay covered rubber buttons. (Coincidentally Rubber Buttons was my clown name back in the circus.) Bouncy back rub salve candy is what this should be called. This must be what it is like to be a masseuse and forget that you have oils on your hands from giving a massage and you get a candy out of your purse (reindeer skin most likely) and taste it. Blech. I give this candy a 2- I don't remember what your sign you are carrying said because I couldn't get past the smell-out of 5.

Oh hell yeah! First of all, I am a big fan of gummy candies. Sure there are some truly terrible ones out there but there are some great high end gummies. Japan never ceases to amaze me with their skills in the gummy dept. I mean there are a few aspects to a gummy: mouth feel-over all texture, flavor, and level of sweetness. Stop the presses though. These aren't hailing from Japan. These expensive treats are from Bissinger's Handcrafted Chocolatier in St. Louis. I know that the front tells you that is is going to be a healthy alt. to candy which is usually a bad sign. That is like people listening to The Shins because while it is music it has no components that will invigorate or excite you like good music. Better for your heart to be bored. (My god they are boring. One time we saw them because someone gave us free tickets. Ugh. Dull. I couldn't figure out why everyone was even facing the stage. Going to a Shins show because you have free tickets is like picking up a bag of dog sh*t because you need a lunch bag. It is a bad plan and you deserve what you get I guess.)

As far as health benefits, we already covered the green tea earlier and the rest is featured below.

So here on the back you can see the health benefits or lack of evil things. Plus you can see the price. Yep. Nearly 5 dollars for 4 oz. of gummy bears. Those better be some damn fine bears.

Oh my goodness these are some damn fine bears!!! While I can't say that they rival some of the greatness of Japan, these are quite legit. The aroma is Apricot. Mega freaking Apricot! The mouth feel is pretty much as good as it gets. The gummy yields ever so slightly under the pressure of your gentle mastication. (Too much?) Well it does. The gummy is not too sweet. There really is a pleasant balance of apricot aromatics, sweetness and a light lingering green tea flavor. Way more effort is felt in this than the green tea candy earlier. See that is the difference between high end and low end candy. Sure you may pay more but due to the richness and quality you end up ingesting more. I do anyway. One of these is satiating. Where as I'd eat a whole bag of Peach O's without feeling a thing. Don't get me wrong I love Peach O's but this is something different. I give this snack a 5- The world would be a better place if people actually lead by example rather than repost an example-out of 5.

My point is wether it be false help or medical promises that there are real ways to make a difference or an impact. If you are going to put any effort out at least make sure it is worth it. Then again what do I know, I am just a guy complaining to nobody in particular while eating candy in my comfortable home.

Thanks for reading and special thanks to Nate! Thanks for sending me some blog fuel. Much appreciated! Also and always to my amazing wife. Next week is a doozy! See you then. Snack on my hungry friends!

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