Monday, October 3, 2011

.FOOrD BLOrG. Second Chances Part deux.

Ok, now where were we? Oh yes. Fall and how I love it. (The season, not the action of falling. Although that can be quite hilarious on its own.) Whenever the sun retreats and the grey reigns (eh?) the sky, I scurry (love to scurry) to the closet where I open my seasonal arsenal. It is like that scene in every James Bond movie where the spy has a droor that comes out of the wall and within it is all of his secret weapons and toys. Only in my case it is fingerless gloves, scarves, umbrellas etc... The fall is a time for layers! For closed toe shoes! (YESSSSS!) For candles and fires and red wine! For Cocteau Twins, Joy Division, and This Mortal Coil! For hot coffee! (sometimes) So maybe just maybe you need to let summer go on its merry (all too merry if you ask me) way and give fall a second chance.

Speaking of the ever allusive second chance today we are finishing our chocolate second chance post. Which is great because you aren't going to believe what I have coming up next. (Or maybe you will believe it. I don't know your belief system. Please keep that to yourself. Frankly I am sorry I mentioned it.) So, yes, chocolates. (Today's grading scale will utilize other 2nd chances.)
Up first we have Gummy Choco Apple. This product was found in Fubonn on 82nd here in PDX. Now these snackies were enticing because it has gummy+thin cracker layer+chocolate= WHAT???
Look! That chicken is wearing a chocolate helmet! That is both cool and utterly disgusting! I mean all the chocolate would melt into the feathers. Then the chocolate feathers will attract ants. Oh man what a conundrum. Where did the chicken get that chocolate anyway? I mean I understand that he/she could get the milk from a cow but then to make chocolate and don't get me started on who designed the mold that is perfect for a chicken's head. Also why is that chicken so flippin' angry? Hmmm. I can't answer that but I can tell you how they taste:

Not great.

Oh, you want to know more?! It tastes like a cheap chocolate covered raisin. I couldn't tell there was a cracker layer at all. Which really is fine with me. Sarah thought it was gross and it did remind her of chocolate covered raisins which she hates for reasons that will remain not on this blog. (If you wish to know then you can ask her and she will decide if you are worthy of this knowledge.)

When you bite into it it just becomes this glob of things not working together and it doesn't taste like apple to me at all. I give this "treat" a 1-mayonnaise is still revolting-out of 5.
Yep. Drink that all in. Obviously I didn't take that picture. I let Em open this one and try it when he was over and he desimated the wrapper like he is part badger. (I imagine badgers are quite keen on chocolate.) I guess this product hails from the UK and was Nestles attempt to make a chocolate bar that is just a five piece simple chocolate bar for men. I guess men can't handle nuts in their chocolate...or other flavors. Not like ladies I guess who need tassels and lace on their chocolate...? Yeah, I can't really wrap my head around this candy. It seems sexist or at the very least simply idiotic.
(See! Look at that wrapper! He be a badger I tells ya!)

Now about the flavor... Well, I feel the same way about this chocolate bar as I do about football; not interested. (I wish I cared about football I do. I would get invites to hang with people and cheer and and stuff. But I really have no interest in it. Don't cry for me as the world needs balance and for roughly every 1500 sports fans there needs to be one pale little man drawing pictures of a banana and Eric Stoltz high fiving. This is the burden I must carry.)

It tastes like chocolate. I mean that is all that it is. Boring mediocre chocolate. There is a boat load of fat in there too! I'd say skip this thing and get a Blizzard or a hot fudge sundae. Or eat some fresh hot brownies. (now you want a brownie don't you?) I give this a 1.5-doing sit ups is still a let down-out of five.
Lastly we have Smarties. No, not the chalky awesome tiny candies from America. (That some kids crush and snort. I know, that isn't smart....when you could just buy Pixie Stix) These are organic all natural chocolate candies from the UK. (Thanks Dave!) Just take a gander at the back.
Why not just see how bright these vegetable candies are?
Hmmm. Yeah, I think these look like fake candies. This already doesn't look like 'real' candy. These things look like the candy that some a-hole adult gives a kid because they want them to have "healthy" candy. Look party poopers, it is supposed to be CANDY. Bad for you but tastes so good candy. Don't try to pretend that this is any better for anyone because while the dyes may be from vegetables, all the fat is from the freaking chocolate that you are foolishly consuming because you think this is healthier. It ain't. Those fistfulls of 'vegetables' are just going to sit at your hips like a hobo at a stoplight. They ain't moving. It is there turf now! So don't be a fool and put hobos in your mouth. Wait, I think I lost my analogy somewhere back there.

How does it taste? Bad. Like healthy chocolate bad. Like I hate your parents for making bran carrot cake with no added sugar for my birthday bad. It is not good, bad. The thing is: this isn't healthy. They made a chocolate snack that sucks for no good reason. In fact I would argue that this chocolate tastes like it came from a bulk bin at a Winco. That is right. I said it. This is worse than poor people chocolate or at the least comparable to it. Ouch. I give this snack a 1-chocolate is STILL not my thing-out of five.

So there you have it. Two posts dedicated to giving chocolate a second chance. Some products are alright and even quite enjoyable while others are like bad pranks on your tongue. Hopefully you enjoyed this to some degree. Sarah said this was her least favorite tasting yet today. The next post is going to be one of my favorites. I can't tell you what it is about but I will say this, it will be the most expensive post I will ever do.