There are some inventions and advancements that humans have created that have made our everyday existences better. Well, maybe the ideas I am referring to have made life easier. I mean I am not talking about vaccines for the sick or foot fetish chat rooms for people who work in Payless shoes. (Come on, that is a fair judgement. Have you been in one? You know that new car smell that people love about new cars? Well, Payless shoes has that "New Poverty" smell. It doesn't matter what city you are in. If there are three people in there: 1-only drinks Magnum malt liquor, 1-carries a purse only for their carton of smokes, and 1-believes they have literally seen sasquatch and is not there to by shoes, they just want to talk about it while their feet get touched. It is a dark place.)
No, I am talking about inventions like when a person was eating fistfuls of granola and dropping them all over their hemp pants and like oats were getting stuck in their arm pit hair and the now non-existant dried strawberries have fad into the dirt they were wallowing in. That person then having the epiphany to make a granola bar. That way they could even eat it between sun salutations and hug circles. You know, a good invention.
However some ideas and their execution are not always perfect. There really is a wide margin for error and even if you do it correct there is still the question of "is it even necessary?" Case in point: at 7-11 you can get nacho chips and pump nacho cheese on them or on a shelf below that you can find nacho cheese flavored Doritos. Wtf? That is just a nacho chip with fake nacho flavor air brushed on. (I guess I shouldn't say fake nacho flavor because that is implying that 7-11 nachos are the O.N.-original nacho) My point is-do people buy the Doritos because they are less messy to eat on the go? Possibly. Side note: if you are buying a one sitting soda drink that has as many ounces as an average waist size you might need to look at your priorities. I am just saying.
Now with this questionable rant in mind, lets enter the mouth of snackness! (Shameless attempt to self promote my blog to those already reading it. #pointless)
Oh yeah! Who hasn't wanted to tell their kid "Shut up and suck on your blood bag!" or "Isn't there a blood bag you could be sucking?" and have it be somewhat ok. Well some daydreamer has made this a reality! This product was purchased at a candy store in Long beach WA. I first saw it and thought that it was most likely just a crappy novelty. However I kept walking back by it and eventually it won me over with charm. How much was it? Well I will have you know that it costs $2.25 to purchase a blood bag on which to suck. Cheaper than a real one I guess. In most markets. (One time my friend Devin told us that there is a restaurant in Portland Oregon that if you order a certain item on the menu they bring you a baby. Not a cooked baby. A live baby. Now I never found out what restaurant he was talking about but it has probably closed....and reopened as a food cart.)
Sure there are many liquid candy options but this is the first I have had in a fake blood bag. What does it taste like? Fake blood. Strawberry flavored fake blood. Is it fun to suck out of a blood bag? You'd think. If you are like me (god help you) then you'd think this would be pretty great. Sadly it mostly tastes like plastic bag punctuated by slimy with sweet strawberry notes. Pleasant? Not entirely. While trying it I just kept thinking of the man at the candy store who had some of the worst social skills. I mean all day he makes fudge and chocolates and taffy all while watching people come in and buy gummy rats and over the hill jelly beans. How insulting. That is like a cobbler choosing to work at a Payless shoes. (Yea, I brought it back. I guess I don't have a sole. *That is poor wordplay for soul) He was so cold it was as if I was doing him a disservice by buying something which directly interrupted his fudge packing. What? He was packing these expensive boxes of fudge. This guy though had less eye contact and human warmth than the average serial killer and ebbed more "I wanna make a skin dress out of you." than the average serial killer. Win win right? Who wouldn't want caramel turtles made by his-who knows where they've been hands? Me? No thanks. I will just be sitting in the corner sucking my safely packaged blood bag thanks. At this point I thought the bag was over shadowing the blood so I poured it out on the plate.
Suddenly it seemed kinda brown. This change was a slight turn off. Plus, without the bag it just felt like I forgot my popsicle was sitting on this plate and it melted. So this is a clear case of novelty. If I was a kid and my parents gave me the two and a quarter to buy whatever I wanted and this was my choice.... I'd feel robbed and cry in the toolshed. (This is a hypothetical situation where the child in question's family has a rather quaint toolshed. A toolshed complete with a crying chair. Side note- In my head, all tool sheds have a crying chair. I have never been in one but if all there is in there is tools I would need somewhere to cry out of sheer boredom) I mean that kid is watching his brother eat Laffy Taffy and he has this sick blood bag to suck. Unfair. I say go all the way with the product. Why not a candy syringe that you fill with the blood and inject into your mouth? Or at least a licorice tube that you can i.v. that shizzle straight into your flavor vein. (For the record I find "flavor vein" quite off putting of both flavors and veins.) I give this a 1-does anyone realize that there are scanners at cash registers because somebody somewhere was pissed like "it is sooo hard to reach in my wallet and then have to remove a card!" "Why can't a laser just scan my pocket with questionable health consequences thus allowing me an extra 3 seconds that I will waste later while not finding something to watch on t.v.-out of 5.
Dave found this for me and I am glad he did. It is unlike anything I have tried. Did I like it? Was it effective? Does it make you cool? The answer to almost all of those questions is revealed below in one word.
Upon putting the chap stick looking device in my mouth I began puffing on it. This felt just as I had imagined both silly and dubious. The sensation was kind of like breathing in dust. Dust and wafts of energy drink smell. Enjoyable is not a word I would use to describe this exchange. Not to mention, this has to look weird. You would need a place to hide and huff this energy shot which makes it far less practical than one of those 5 hour energy things or maybe a delicious espresso shot. Yeah. I love coffee! Why would I do this instead of coffee? Hell, I drank a shot of espresso just to get the taste of the Aero Shot out of my mouth. I even thought about snorting the espresso in hopes that it would get it out of my lungs. I didn't even feel anything from the Aero Shot. The only sensation I had was a slight light headedness from huffing a chap stick container in my kitchen while hoping I didn't wake my napping wife. Trust me, you don't want anyone witnessing you in this moment of shame.
I give this thing a 0-you know someone has seen those cereal bars with the "milk" coating on the bottom and they are now trying to invent a lunch version. Like spaghetti bar! Just wadded noodles with a sauce coating.-out of 5.
Oh I see. It is supposed to look like a mini fire extinguisher. Of course. That is what every kid wants. Right? Not me. I don't care what you shape the container like I don't want anything to blast in my face. I don't want it to squirt in my face. I don't want it to mist in my face. Pretty much any measurement of wetness and my face is an unsavory combination. Would I use this in public? No. This coming from a guy who proudly sat in his work break room dipping a tiny candy plunger into a tiny plastic toilet and eating it. Nobody needs to see anyone flavor blasting. Period.
That being said, the flavor is delicious. The thing that really seals the deal for me is that it isn't just tart. This product has sweetness and sour notes. Believe it or not there are both berry and citrus elements that are quite well balanced. Would I rather eat a Sweetart? Yes. But that isn't what we are talking about here. This is a solid item that if "blasts" in your face are your thing than go buy this! I wouldn't get this again but I can't condemn it for being a good thing that just isn't for me. What they did here-they did right and they have earned a 4-How is there not a hipster pant that just comes on a roll. It has built in feet and an elastic band- you pull it up and then vacu-seal the pants in order to get the ultimate skin tight situation. I mean that must exist judging on the human crevices we witnessed in NY-out of 5.
(Side note-Human Crevices is my new indie band.)
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