Wednesday, May 30, 2012

FooRd BooRg. Snack of attraction

Oh, hello there. I like your outfit. What are those _________? (A. Crocs, B. Uggs, C. Flip flops, D. Reasonable foot attire) Is that the kind that _________? (A. Tone your butt, B. Match the drapes, C. "Donate" money to somewhere, D. Cover your sick ass man toes.) Well that is just awesome. have you lost weight? I mean I am sure you are hearing that from everyone. You look more slender __________.
(A. In areas of your face, B. around your tree trunk of a neck, C. On your in one., D. pretty much all over. E. Have you lost scabs?)

See what I did there? I started todays post off with a little compliment. Hopefully now we are both on the same page (both literally and figuratively) and ready to get on down to brass tacks. (Don't tell anyone but I have no idea what that expression means. Is it a tax on brass? I mean brass is so tacky and ugly. They should tax the crap out of anyone buying brass. What? Do you want a brass bed? Then you should be taxed. I remember seeing a daybed at a girl's house, as a child, and I thought "Thar be sum ugly beast if evar I set an I on wun!. *Side note: I was a little pirate-y as a child and still didn't want brass for my booty. *Double side note: Not feeling that last sentence.)

Today we are looking at three crunchy snacks as well as talking about compliments. Sure they are weird and often hard to take. I hate them. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than trying to decide the appropriate response to a compliment. Here is hypothetical you: "Hey dirk, you said something funny once about dog tattoos at an improv show. That was funny." And here is non-hypothetical me: "Ah.......................(puts one hand on hip while curling lip and slowly bending knees) ..thank you." And I should add that the thank you is wheezed out of my lungs on an exhale. Then as you walk away I think "I probably did that ok. I think that went well." Only to have my wife say "What the hell was that? That was really-really-weird." Trust me. You get to peruse my life from a far but I have to live as this mess 24-7.

Ok lets belly up to the table and snack.

Isn't that cute? (That is a rhetorical question. You needn't answer it. They are tiny burgers. Of course they are cute. No not sliders. Sliders are bull sh!t. Hey buddy, how about you put down the tiny 4 sandwiches and you commit to a natural sized sandwich. Is that really so crazy? Well, lets go further down the sandwich rabbit hole and acknowledge that you are eating a sandwich sitting down. Yeah. The sandwich was invented for workers to eat on the go. That is the only purpose of stupid bread. What is stupid bread? It is every bread. You don't need to eat so much bread. You don't. How about this: cut two slices of cake and put sandwich fixings between them and eat it while looking at yourself in the mirror. Yeah, I don't even have a point. But if you did that please take a picture. That is one picture of someone in a bathroom mirror that I would care to see. Side note: Anytime I see a picture of someone, that they themselves took, in a bathroom mirror I only think about how sad and lonely they must be to make this visual cry for attention and put it on the internet. At least if you were eating a cake sandwich we could laugh together.)

Yes, those are cute burgers. This first snack was a gift from our friend Mel who saw this at a store and thought that I should have it. I know. She is awesome. Evan, her son is a fan of the blog. (Well, he will be. Right now he is busy with teething and limited arm and leg movements but if I know anything about child development it is that reading is just around the corner.) Anytime a friend gives me a snack for this creative outlet it is the biggest compliment. It is like saying "Here- I welcome your weekly distraction and would like for you to make fun of this." I will oblige to the best of my ability every time.

(A non-weird as possible Thank You. To each and every one of you. *Wife included. Hi wife!)

So here we see on the back . . . I have no idea what is happening here. On the right I am pretty sure that is a breakdown of what this snack is. The top sentence says "On top there is a bun." and the bottom sentence reads "We really like how that looked so we followed suit with a bun also down here. You know, balance and feng shui and what not.?." (I really like how casual they are being about the art  form that is feng shui. "You know, this and that, feng shui and stuff..whateves.)

Now what the Every Burger is saying on the right is a total mystery to me. "As the spokes burger for Every Burger I would like to call attention to our cause EAT THE RICH!!!!" Ok, That might not be what it says but the burger has a point. I mean rich people eat foie gras because it is the liver of a duck or goose that has been specially fattened. Seems to me those specially fattened rich people would be pretty tasty. I like what this burger is saying or not saying at all. Lets see if there are clues inside.

WTF? Is that a hotdog? No I think it is a regular sized burger providing tutelage for the diminutive Every Burger. Something like "It isn't the size of the dog in the fight! It is the fear of the brutal owner who trains his dog through horrid tests of both mind and strength which in turn create the perfect canine killing machine just like in that Jet Li movie where Bob Hoskins trains him to fight and Jet Li has to wear a dog collar and what?? Oh yes, it was called "Unleashed. Thanks Henry-the burger not seen in the picture because he was taking the picture. " That movie sucked."

Or it is just a cartoon diagram of what this product is which is two sweetened wheat crackers with a patty of fudge in the middle. See! (Wait. What is that orange stuff? I know it is supposed to look like cheese. I am guessing that it is frosting.)

Come on. They even have tiny little sesame seeds on the buns. Adorable. How does it taste?

Just like a tiny, slightly fluffier Chips Ahoy cookie. You know. That sweet and cheap store bought cookie? That flavor that most store bought cookies have. Like that. Maybe a bit closer to a less crunchy Pocky but you get the idea. Do I wish that it was supposed to taste like a cheese burger? Yes. The silver lining on the situation is that I didn't have to vomit after trying it. So far this post is vomit free.

I give this snack a 3.5-I like the way your beard frames your face. Not a lot of grandmas are willing to rock that look-out of 5.

Alright, next we have a four cheese chip made by Frito Lay in Japan. I ordered this snack from Tokyo because I thought the name was cute and because I didn't think there were 4 cheeses in Japan.

Oh, Cheese Snack For Cheese Lover.  How silly your name sounds. I guess if Americans are going to make sushi that is total crap than they should get a crack at cheese flavored snacks. (I am not sure if America invented cheese snacks. I am pretty confident that we didn't but we would probably win a war against whomever did. A cheese war. Lets start making fondue guns and cheddar tanks and do this! With how liberal "war" is being attached to tv shows i.e. Storage Wars, Parking Wars, Cupcake Wars. I am surprised that stores haven't changed coupons to strategies for war on cheese and other sandwich conspirators. 2 for 1 Fruity Pebbles-Declaration of execution! All Hillshire Farm meats dated 5-19-2012 must be eradicated.)

So here we can see the breakdown of the four cheeses. First we have Parmesan. Ok that seems logical. That would add some salt and nutty-ness to the equation. Second down the line we have Mozzarella which sounds like it would be Morrissey's favorite cheese. (See what I did there? His nick name is Mozz. Or is it Motts. Like the apple sauce...I think the first one.) So that would add some creamy kinda thing to the jamboree. Third we have cream cheese. Wait. What? Seriously? Cream cheese? OH good. I can't be the only person that thinks cream cheese shouldn't even count as cheese. Oh you disagree? Ok then remind me of the last time you ordered a cheese plate and the best thing on there was the cream cheese. You can't because the only time that would happen is if McDonalds started serving cheese plates. It would have american cheese, cream cheese, and Doritos. Cream cheese is a joke that people use to make a bagel not be the driest 5 servings of bread you ever ate. BREAD AGAIN!
Lastly we have Mascarpone cheese. It seems to me that they are trying to class it up at the end there after whoring around with cream cheese. I am not impressed. You had your chance cheese snack for cheese lover. You blew it.

Wait again. What is she doing here? Is that a personal ad? Is she the illusive cheese lover? Did she win a cheese contest and her reward was Frito Lay bestowed upon her a specially designed cheese snack? I don't know but I hope so. If you look at the bottom of her box....(BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry.) She runs some kind of blog. I went to it. Couldn't read it but she posts under cuty-bunny. Yeah. She is a grown up woman. Cuty-bunny? Get over yourself.

It looks like your average cheese chip right? Well it smells weird. Have you ever noticed that a cats feet smell like tortilla chips? No? Well they do. Fact checked. Seriously go check. Go pick up your cat and smell its feet. Well, one foot is probably enough. Don't have a cat? Try out the neighbors! They won't mind. Chances are they have wanted to talk to you about that for years and didn't know how to bring it up.

Where was I? Oh yes, these chips smell like cat feet. If the cat feet had stepped in sweet cheese dust or had a terrible infection of some sort. (Whoa, almost made myself sick there. Foot infections will do that.) Did you know that Jared Leto got gout in his foot from gaining all those pounds for that movie Chapter 27 that nobody saw? He was good in it. My point is that these chips smell like Jared Leto's foot did then. Not My So Called Life Jared Leto. Those feet smelled of angel whispers and unicorn winks.  Jared Leto's gout foot. Lets move on to taste right?

Ugh. Oh NO. Ack. It tastes sweet at first. Like sweet corn. Then the crappy cheese powder melts on your tongue and all hell breaks loose in your mouth. It is like I am having a party in my mouth but I only invited regret and remorse, both of which have food poisoning and the toilet is broken. Whew. This cheese lover must be the target of a ruse. This is bad.

The flavor is just too sweet and the aroma is a mix of human decomp and more human decomp. Overall this is the most off putting chip that I have tried ever. Maybe ever. I can honestly say that they missed the mark here unless that is what they were going for in which case I am guessing they also keep their dead mother in their basement and parade around in their victim's skins.

I give this snack a 0-I like your haircut. I think it is nice that people with special needs are given work.-out of 5.

Lastly we have Long Potato Chips. These are long potato chips. Look at that dude eating a chip at arms length away. (The picture is a lie. The only person who could do that is Cee lo.) See they could have tried to come up with a catchy name "SKIS- The only chip big enough to ski on." "Average penis length chip." (That is a good one.) (Except how horrible would it be to find out that you are under average by putting your penis on a chip. That is a poor use for a penis and a waste of a chip.) "Subway sandwich size chip." (That one needs some work but also it is true.) Alas they decide to go with the direct approach.

Long Potato chips.

So I found these at our local russian meat smoking place. Overseas Taste. I had seen them and couldn't get them out of my mind so Sarah and I went back and I bought them. Weird fact: The plain kind of the same product which came in a plain brown wrapper was 79 cents. This one with the illustration was a dollar 99. I had to get the one with the funny picture but at what price? Oh I told you that already. That price and also the price of flavor. These are bacon and onion.  Oh man. After that last chip I would much rather have another Every Burger. I knew I should have saved Every Burger for last. Oh well. Here we go.

It smells of old cardboard. Most likely because that is what it is packaged in. It feels kind of like an even more processed Pringles. (If that is a reality.) Now for the taste test.

AH! Ugh. Orp. Urf. No!

To be honest, I have just brushed my teeth. Here is the moment by moment breakdown. I lifted the waving chip up to my mouth. My brain said "Smells like cardboard. We are eating cardboard now? Why didn't I get that memo? Nobody CCs me on anything. Does stomach know?" I bit into the chip and my mouth replied "Hand? Why are you inserting cardboard into the mouth loading zone. There is no scheduled cardboard delivery into this orifice." To which my hand replied "I am out of here!" and retreated. Leaving a chunk of the long chip in my mouth. My mouth then said "Sh!t. What am I supposed to do with this? Hey eyes, are we near a hole or a body of water so I can eject this piece of debris? Hand is acting like a total ass right now." Eyes shouted back " Nope. We are in our home. In the kitchen. I don't want to tell you how to do your job but there is a sink nearby." Mouth responded "I appreciate your level of professionalism eyes. On second thought, there isn't much in here so teeth and i are going to try and break it down and let throat do its thang." "I mean thing." "Sorry thang."  Then a voice distant from mouth called out "The names Wang not thang."

At that moment my teeth attempted to bite into the thin chip. I thought it would be easy but the chip fought back, lodging itself into my teeth. The flavor was of dust and despair. Cardboard, dust, dead moths, skull nostrils. Yeah, this chip tasted like if you licked the wall of those bone catacombs. It was horrible. I can't even tell you accurately how awful it was. My taste buds said "F-this! Eject!!!! Eject!!!" and throat said "I always side with taste buds. It shall not pass!!!!" So I had one choice and that was spit  it out into the sink. The thing was that the chip had glued itself to my teeth and the chemical bacon and onion flavor was seeping out. I washed and rinsed with water but it was no use. Whatever this chip is made of it is pure evil. So I had no choice. I brushed. I usually advise people to try the things I review on here. Not this time. This "chip" gets a 0-You wear that print well. You know on some people it would highlight their imperfections but not on you. It compliments them-out of 5.

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