Wednesday, May 2, 2012

.FooRd BloRg. SUCKAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They say one is born every minute. Now I don't know who this "they" is but it has been quite awhile since only one baby was born a minute. (Not that all babies are suckers but they all kinda act like one at some point. I mean come on. Take your toes out of your mouth, baby. Hey baby, keep your mushy head away form that corner on the table. Baby! You have peas everywhere but your mouth. And you seem happy about this. Plus somebody has pooped at the dinner table. Baby, you seem like the culprit. Baby-only suckers eat where they poop. Quit being a sucker and quit all that jive talkin'. Put that binky in yo mouth and go back to trying to point at things that you lack the expressive speech to say. Baby.

Speaking of babies. Are you familiar with Mattress World? Have you seen their commercials? The whole premise involves a baby sleeping on a mattress and the jingle goes "It is NEVER to late to SLEEP like a baby! Mattress World!" Really? Never? I beg to differ Mattress World. I wage that there is a time that is to late to sleep like a baby. It is anytime you are not in fact a baby. Do you know how a baby sleeps? In a plastic bag containing no less than one bodily fluid and they wake screaming with a thirst only human breast milk can quench.

If you can read this. It is too late for you to sleep in such a way. (If that is your thing. Please, please seek help.)

Why am I talking about babies? I don't know because today is all about SUCKERS. I actually had too many so I broke them into two groups with the help of Sarah. So today we shall examine four lovely lollies and the others will have to wait awhile. I just have too many snacks. (What a problem to have.) Todays 1-5 scale is sponsored by total suckers.

This sucker is made by which I hope is a play off of The Smiths "This charming man." I really hope so. Sarah found this for me at crafty wonderland here in Portland. I would call this look a candy boutique look. You get the feeling that this is all done by hand in somewhat small batches. It is cute, right? I bet the 30 something office lady crowd really get a hoot out of these. Sadly we aren't just here to talk of packaging so lets get to it.

What you get upon unwrapping it is a sweet waft to vanilla. Nothing wrong with that. Vanilla is a pleasant enough smell. Upon closer nasal inspection, one can detect a light cardamom scent. If you aren't familiar with cardamom it is a spice with citrus, floral, and herbal notes. It is often used in savory dishes like curries or in sweet dishes like bread pudding. (That might not be accurate I just looked up two recipes online. I like it in curries and on cauliflower but lets face it anything helps cauliflower. Ugh. Boring. Hey cauliflower, How is boringsville occupancy YOU! )

Upon tasting it I definitely get vanilla. This sucker has a smooth mouth feel. For a moment I really like this sucker. Then comes the cardamom. I think the challenge of using cardamom is that cardamom is pretty strong. If it is dancing with you, it is leading. So how do you get is to play nice with vanilla? For me, I guess you can't because the flavor here kind of comes in waves and when it is cardamom's turn YOU KNOW IT. Cardamom never really lets the vanilla do a solo. It is always present and mostly in the spotlight. (What is with this dancing analogy? Who is the sucker now?)

I give this sucker a 2-Oh you moved to PDX from Cali and didn't know it would be grey and wet most of the year? You's a sucker!-out of 5.

Well, Mexico. Your track record is less than decent. Lets be honest-your candy mostly sucks. So I guess it makes sense that you are here in the sucker category. Here we have a SUPER pineapple and chili powder sucker. That must mean that there is an unsuper one somewhere. Well, only the best for me.... (I really am not looking forward to this.) I feel like I won a race that nobody wanted to win and now I have to eat this as a reward. Damn you Pina Loca. (Pina Loca sounds like when the bars empty out in Mexico and drunk people just pee anywhere. "That guy has his penis out and he is pina loca!"

This smells faintly of pineapple. I love how it has the indention in the center so it looks like a tiny circle of pineapple. (Great attention to detail.) Sadly is tastes like corn syrup. Sure there is a somewhat pleasant flavor of pineapple but the cheapness of the sucker gives it a weird solid rubber feel. Then comes the chili. Now I like spice. I do. But for some reason the chili in most mexican candies is just powder and it dries out my mouth and is all around grody. Technically speaking it is also icky to the max. The weird thing is, despite obvious short comings, I like this sucker at times and hate it at others. I really can't stress that enough. It is rare that something is at both ends of the spectrum. This creation is. I wouldn't buy it again even at like 30 cents.

I give this sucker a 2-If you eat at Por Que No. You are a white sucker. (Seriously, if you google where do white people eat tacos on hawthorne, Por Que No COMES UP #1) Portland has amazing authentic regional mexican food. You foolish white suckers-out of 5.

Sarah and I found this at Candy Babel here in Portland, OR. Candy Babel is a cute small candy store which is unfortunately located in the same building as a gym. The combination results in confusion as your eyes peruse delicious little candies but your nose smells horrid sweaty people. I mean it is on Alberta! For those who don't know Alberta, it is a place in PDX where men and women have beards and hairy pits and nobody showers. (*Kinda not true)(Kinda true) It is a street that feels dirty to me. An odd choice for a candy shop but i am sure rent is cheap. I recommend stopping by as the owner is nice and she imports some pretty interesting candies. Sadly there weren't signs to tell you a gummy came from Australia so unless you ask her you might miss some unassuming treats. I frankly don't even know if this rose sucker was made in PDX or from Ireland. Well, either way I have to eat it.

When you unwrap this rose sucker, you smell 2 things. 1-Plastic. 2-Grandma. A combination that shouldn't be appealing unless ,of course, you have a plastic robo-grandma who takes care of you. (*Not a real thing.) There is an art when it comes to combining rose with anything. Rose should be used as a spice almost and never the main ingredient. The reason being, it is a ROSE. Roses taste like perfume.  Sure there was that rose water that I really liked but it had subtlety. Simply the smell of this makes me afraid of its lack of nuances.

The taste is just as I had feared. I wouldn't say I derived any pleasure from this sucker. In fact I found this sucker pretty offensive to my taste buds. It isn't super sweet but it is super ROSE. Sure you can see the rose petals in the sucker. Sure that is pretty. But it SURE tastes like potpourri. Ugh.

I give this snack a 1-If you put any money or attention toward terrible things like Kardashians or other rich untalented people, you are a straight up sucker. You are part of the problem.-out of 5.

We sound this sucker at a Finland gifts store in Astoria. I was attracted to it because it is called a DUMLE which means dummy. (Not true.) It was invented in 1945. (Oh, that is very interesting.) It is available in single piece, ice cream, mini-bars, chocolate drink, and sucker form. It is described as a "toffee chew." Which makes me want to eat one in front of old people so they can regale me with tales of the yesteryears. "I remember when the earth was one continent and we rode dinosaurs to school only we didn't have schools because we were pencils. Only instead of lead we were filled with lust for the sea and we sang shanties about sea pencils and Abigail, the horse-faced princess of Yorkshire." (That last old person might have dementia.)

I'd like to also bring attention to the wrapper which clearly states that this is the original. The original what I don't know. The original candy? Sucker? Dumle? Dumle, I can believe as up until I saw this I had no idea a Dumle existed. Frankly, I was fine not knowing but since I know now of the original Dumle I must eat it.

My goodness. That is a beautiful looking sucker. Isn't it? It doesn't look turd like in the slightest. Nope. Easily the prettiest sucker. Right? Ok. No. This looks like a poopsicle. There I said it. Somebody had to. I mean, come on! That took NO stretch of the imagination. It LITERALLY looks like dookie. And why is it cracked?  What happened? ugh.

This sucker smells like the inside of an easter basket on the poor side of town. Stale, sad, and hopeful that there is other candy around. It tastes like a very old Rollo that maybe has been in the couch awhile and many people have been over each taking time to sit on it. As if they hoped it would hatch into a fantastic snack but it never blossomed into fruition. So they got a stick and peeled it out of the couch. Luckily it is the "original?".....

I give this snack a 1.5-If you believe in the law of attraction, you are such a sucker. You can't think change. You have to physically do something. I hate to break it to you, sucker but life takes effort. Now get your sucker self up and go do something.-out of 5.

Thanks again for taking time to witness these suckers.
See you next time.

Get a piece


(Ah Mozz.)

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