Thursday, October 18, 2012

.FOOrD BLOrG. Don't fear the Chocolatier.

October is one of my truly favorite months. I love the fall and I love the onslaught of horror films everywhere. Ever since I was little (but not too little) I have enjoyed creature features and other scary tales. As we all know, one of the things that make a really effective spooky film is that it taps into a specific fear.You know, like nuclear fallout turning people into zombies or wanting to be like the people on Keeping up with the Kardashians turning people into zombies or zombies turing people into zombies.....or well, just zombies. 

There are some scenes in films that shock and disgust us. Scenes that we instantly put ourselves in the "What would that feel like? AHHHHH!" situation. For instance the ankle scene in Pet Sematary or the entire last quarter of the film Audition. (shudder.) However horrific a scene is though, if we can't imagine it being real or edit ourselves into the scene than it isn't going to work. That being said, allow me to regale you with a very true scene from my life just a few days ago...

Four months ago I has a minor odd feeling in my right ear. It didn't hurt but it felt like a mild pressure. (Are you nervous where this is going yet?) After much deliberation I made an appointment to see a doctor. Long story short, he knew nothing of what it was and could see no visible problem. He prescribed me drops for both ears and sent me on my way. The drops were a real treat and after a week of my loving wife putting drops in my ears for me nothing changed for the better. So I returned again and this time the doctor (different one) prescribed me antibiotics which as we all know come with their own horrors. So for ten days I took my punishment and it helped me with nothing but perhaps drop a few pounds. I returned again and this time the doctor referred me to a specialist. (*Cue The Dead Milkmen song "Take me to the Specialist")

This problem had lingered for months now in varying stages of displeasure. Sometimes I wanted to bang my head into the desk in an effort to alleviate pressure or simply scream at the top of my lungs for some kind of release. After a while I had become accustomed to the situation but I still didn't want to go deaf if that was a side effect to whatever was happening in my ear. Prior to the specialist I had to have a hearing test. Now this is the part of the film where the main character sits in a strange room with someone on the other side of a tinted window. The unseen person makes bleep sounds and I would press a clicker when I would hear it. Then the person would say words and ask that I would repeat them as their voice would become quieter and quieter. In my cold padded room I'd hear a voice "Bedroom" and I'd say "Bedroom." The a quieter voice "Cowboy" and again I would repeat "Cowboy" until I would hear nothing and be left to wonder what had become of said bedroom cowboy.  I had tested above average all across the board and was sent to another area to wait.

Once admitted into the room I sat for a moment before in walked a beast of a woman. She had a wide face that was devoid of expression and stringy hair like that girl who crawled out of the t.v. in The Ring (The original not the bs remake.) She dragged her legs across the floor like she was a zombie and her voice was monotone at best. Now I'd just like to pause and say that in a patient care situation "care" is an important word and an even more appreciated feeling to have when something is wrong with you. This lady was giving up none of that. She turned my chair and and asked what was the problem. So I told her the whole ordeal which she took in without blinking or moving a muscle at all. This lady was really freaking me out now. She shined a light into my ear and reached over for a long metal stick about 4 inches in length. "What is that even here for?" I thought. "Don't look at her....Don't look at anything she picks up. She is rummaging around for things to stick into your ear!"

It was at this point I decided to look forward. That would be a good point to focus on  and then all I have to do is go to my happy place and wait for this to all be over. A great plan. Except for one thing. As she pressed my head into my left shoulder I realized that she had turned my chair so that I was facing myself. I had nowhere else to look as she placed a small metal cone on my ear and lifted the small metal rod and slid it along the cone and slowly into my ear. (Do you understand what I am saying? I have the pristine image of somebody slowly lowering a surgical implement into the confines of my head. That is so f*cked up. Nobody should have that.) What happened? It hurt and I shook and somehow made my squished-into-my-neck face look even more worse. She was displeased. She told me not to move or I might get hurt. Yes those are her words. The same words a kidnapper uses or a bank robber. I thought, "This has to be the first time she has done this on a living person." She tried again by squishing my face further into my neck. My eyes filled with fear as she again lowered a different but still metal pick into my skull. Same results. She huffed like Dahmer probably did after ever failed lobotomy. By this point I figured that this is either a hidden camera show with really good lawyers or that she is an escaped patient from a torture institution. (They still have those right? That is where toothbrushes are made of sand paper and their t.v.s only show those "real housewife" shows.)

So the "dr?" calls for the nurse and then drips fluid in my ear and tells me to "sit still and wait." The nurse walks in and the "dr" says "I need to put something in his ear to numb it because he is so jumpy." I didn't have a problem with this at first. Until she said "An eye dropper OR a syringe." PROBLEM. I can't explain nor should I have to how much I am on team eye dropper in any situation where the two option of what will be put into my ear canal is A. eyedropper or B. A SYRINGE!!! (Now let's just take a moment and acknowledge that this lady doesn't seem to know her way around this room. Anybody else concerned by this? I was.) Nonetheless, what did they go with? Syringe. (FMLx1000) 

The nurse then leaves after doing nothing but silently agreeing that the dr.'s crazy idea is a good one and she leaves the door open. So now the lady presses my already squished face into my shoulder. My eyes dart from the mirror, where I can see her filling the syringe, to the open door as people are passing and NOT HELPING. Then I see what will forever be my horror moment. I literally see this person slowly lowering a dripping syringe into my ear canal. Like she is flying a spoonful of food into a babies mouth. You know what? If she had made a crazy airplane noise that would have somehow made it better. Listen to my words: I have fleeting images of seeing a syringe be inserted into where my eardrum is. If that doesn't creep you out. Then you aren't human. 

(What happened? She then dug around with a tool in my numbed ear and removed some debris that she said was the problem. The problem was caused by the ear drops from the first dr. I know. FML.)

Now lets talk chocolate!!!!

I know that in the past I haven't given chocolate the highest of praise. So this time I have a team of friends who will weigh in on each snack! Welcome to the fold: Tara, Kurt, Beverly and returning awesome wife Sarah.






Well first up we have Magic Fingers. I believe we purchased this at a russian grocery but judging by the title you might think it came from an adult store.You know, the kind where nobody dresses like that chef guy on the packaging. (Maybe one guy but rest assured he has no magic fingers. The only thing he has on his hands is too much time and calluses. You know, from baking...)






Well it appears to just be a biscuit-like Twix kind of deal. Lets see the breakdown:

S- I don't like it. 0-out of-5 I like the gold wrapper for each MF but the outside wrapper is crap so no style points. (*Side note: She literally just started giving out style points. This has never been a part of the judging so let's all welcome STYLE POINTS!)

T- It is a little bland. 1.5-out of-5 because it isn't horrible. Nothing to turn to for a treat of quality in either biscuit or chocolate.

K- It is kinda like a Whopper and kind of like not eating anything. Not bad. 2-out of-5

B-This is stupid. It isn't gross but who cares. At least try to wrap it nicely. It looks like it has been previously unwrapped. 1-out of 5.

D- This is cheap and the biscuit part is powdery. The chocolate is super cheap and has more in common with candle wax. Cheap candle wax. I give this a 1-If you hated the ankle scene in Pet Symatary than you should watch Sympathy for Mr. Vengence-out of 5.






So there are literally hundreds of chocolate companies in Portland it seems. We hadn't seen this one before so we bought two different kinds from The Meadow in North Portland or maybe New Seasons somewhere....You know what? Doesn't matter. What does matter is that the buzz words on the cute little packaging matches with the flavors inside.






Here we can see all of the special ingredients. Yep. Ok everything seems to be in order here. This seems to be looking good.






So I screwed up and didn't take a picture before I cut it up but I did with the next one. Don't worry.

S-Tastes like chocolate. That is it. My throat is a little burning but that is probably from the habanero sauce at dinner. I give it a 1and a half-outof 5 Also 3 style points for the packaging. (*we still don't know how many possible style pints there are so maybe that isn't even good.)

T- I just taste chocolate. Wait, there was a small chunk of something in it. No nothing. 2.5-out of 5. It is ok but really nothing special.

K-SAME. I agree with everything that is being said.

Bev-This is just dark chocolate. Bummer. NBD. I guess if you hit those ingredients really hard though it maybe gross. I give it a 4-out of 5.

d- I get dark chocolate. No ginger or anything promised on the front. This doesn't seem balanced or impressive. Disappointing. 2-The most intense french horror film is titled INSIDE and it will murder your brain-out of 5.






Well, after that warm response who wouldn't want to try another one? Show of hands? (You can't see this but it is all hands in here.) I selected this one because it has hazelnuts and fernet. Sarah loves both of those things. So I thought that this was really going to be something special. Maybe it might become her new favorite thing. Only time and mouths will tell. (That sounded weird.)






So here we can see more fantastical blah blah blah. Chocolates do this SO much. It is like a book on the back. In fact I expect sometime to pick up a book and turn it over only to find out that it is a chocolate and all the literature is just their food mission statement. Look if you need a paragraph to win over a consumer maybe focus more on what your product is and make it approachable and less like you are so smart and unique. Just an idea. Your whimsical hoopla just makes you seems like a stuffy a-hole. (Not exclusively this snack just most high end chocolates. I just want the snack. I already have a library card if i need anything else. Thanks.)






So here you can see how pretty it looks in it's little plastic sleeve.  Let's just move on to what the team thought.

S-This one is a bit waxy. It seems lighter than the last one. They get a 1-out of 5 for no Fernet. Ugh. So disappointed. However I like the packaging. I like that each flavor has a different colored wax seal. So 5 style points. (That is the most style points since the style points have been added.)

T-I like this chocolate better. 2-out of 5. (She must have said more but that is literally all I wrote down.

K-I like this one much better. Smooth chocolate. Not too flavory. 3-out of 5.

B-Bummer again. There is nothing to it. I might taste fernet but it might be psychosymatic. It tastes like fernet farted. 4-out of 5. Good chocolate. (Swear to god that is what I wrote down. In that order. That is what she said. The weirdest highest rating for that snack.)

d-Eh.... Where do you start with something that gives you so little to remark on. This is like being a kid on that last day of school and the other kid that you like offers to sign your yearbook and you are so excited to see what it says. You get your book and open it and notice that they wrote "stay cool this summer" which would be exciting if Joey and Heath and Karl hadn't also written the exact same thing. Unremarkable. 2-The spanish film [REC] should be the only found footage film. Period.-out of 5.






This was a gift I received for my birthday from our good pals Caleb and Natasha. Now I have had many chocolate snacks and many bacon snacks. Bacon donuts, bacon beer, bacon water, bacon gum etc....... I have had one chocolate bacon before and it wasn't my favorite thing ever. However that didn't make it to the blog as it was on vacation. Here is a close up of the actual product.







S- I am giving it a zero for just being here. Negative style points.

T-Uh. It tastes stale. I am really not into the bacon. Ugh. 0-I am finding it...hard to swallow..gross.

B-No problem. It is kinda interesting. Home made would be way better than sitting on a shelf. I am not upset about it. 3. NBD.

K-This is disgusting. Is this real bacon? This can't be real. Ugh. 0-out of 5.

d-This smells like if a shoe had a basement where bad things happened. This is like the worst of two worlds. I feel like the oily fat from the bacon has leeched into the chocolate. The texture is a waxy fatty affair. Nobody wants that. Why would somebody want to share this with people? 0-The Innkeepers is one of the best old style ghost stories of the last decade-out of 5.

B -{round 2} I get more bacon. Ugh. It is way worse this time. That three is fading fast. Ultimately resting at 1-out of 5.






So there you have it. Yet another chocolate chapter closed. As always I encourage you to try these or any of the other snacks on this blog and find out if it is delicious or not. I am always surprised at what people like that I don't and vice versa. See you next time. Happy Halloween.

Yes I realized it is odd to put a terrifying ear experience before a food blog.

('*side note: Once the lady removed the dried chemical from the drops and the experience was over I felt like she was the best person in the world. That being said, she had just dumped a bunch of numbing things into my brains.)

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