Monday, July 18, 2011

.fOOrD BLOrG. Small things may surprise you.

All my life I have been of small stature. This never bothered me. I never had a Napoleon complex or was one of those angry little men. This point of view is all I know since I wasn't small and grew tall or was tall and was shrank on accident by a device built by Rick Moranis. (Yet...) An interesting thing about size though is it can be deceiving. Something smaller can surprise you. For instance, Sarah and I were on a walk once-up some sketchy steps-thru a weird woods area and suddenly a squirrel blocked our path and refused to move. It was a stand off. You would think something smaller (although it had a big cranium) facing two people much larger would scurry away. (I would, I love to scurry.) But it stood its ground in a menacing way. Now we had traveled quite far up these steps but we were pondering going back down since we were faced with this curious situation. There is something off putting about a small fearless creature where you think "if it isn't scarred it MUST have a reason. A secret." Luckily it needed to be menacing elsewhere and it leaped up a tree and vanished into the foliage. Even though we couldn't see it, we knew it was there. Watching us like the predator watches Arnold Schwarzenegger only in squirrel vision not in heat vision.

So today we will discuss some small treats that accomplish big feats. Sort of, see I kind of liked the rhyme there....they really are just treats, you know?...Some with good surprises and some with maybe not so good surprises.
Oh snap, is that a gummy from Japan? HELLS YEAH IT IS!!! You already know how I feel about this treat don't you? Well you should. Japanese gummies are epically awesome! But how are these?

Pretty darn good. The texture is not too chewy and not too soft. The exterior is coated in a tangy sugar but not too much and not over powered in citric acid as the picture might imply or one might conclude from the lemon part of the description. What first resonates on your palate is lemon but it isn't super intense and after a few chews you get the cola flavor. A pretty rad ride through flavor country if you ask me. It delivers on its promise.

The downside is that they come all the way from Japan. You cannot find them in the states and they are about 2 dollars. Now that isn't a ton of money unless you have to pay 18 dollars shipping and there are only about 12 gummies in the bag. Overall I give this snack a 4.5-I always have leg room in cars and on planes out of 5.
WHAT???? Another Japanese gummy???? APPLE GINGER ALE? Is it my birthday????? (Answer to the last question: No, but it is soon. So go return some bottles and buy me a present. I know this is a recession so don't feel obligated to buy me a champagne jacuzzi or a diamond encrusted speedo. Hmm, I don't like the word "crusted" next to the word "speedo".)

Ok, so you know this is good.... but how good? How about THE BEST!!! Yes, this is the best gummy I have ever eaten. For my palate. I like earthy flavors, herby flavors, metallic cocktails, and things more sour than sweet. Now this isn't sour. But what it is-is unbelievable. Here is a closer look.
Awe, it is so cute and tiny. BUT the flavor within is enormous. First you get the apple. Almost like a light perfume of fresh apple just dances across your tastebuds. Then you get a hint of ginger ale which grows and deepens on your tongue as if the ginger is really growing in your mouth. Real ginger flavor. Not powdered ginger or candied ginger. This is like a real deal ginger soda. It is the best marriage of fruit and ginger on the planet. THIS IS WORTH 20 DOLLARS! Luckily if you buy it for 2 and a bunch of other stuff then the shipping kinda evens out. I give this snack a 10-I fit inside most boxes-out of five.
Chowards? Who let you back in here? Didn't we already discuss two of your friends? Yes we did. And they weren't the best discussions if I recall. Ok well, lets open you up and see what's happening.
Oh, well that is pretty cute. Sarah bought these for me which is super nice. Violet huh? Well, I will just put this candy in my mouth and....oh. Oh no. ugh. I....made....a......mistake! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It is horrid!!!! Blech!!!!
It tastes like my mouth is the air filter at an octogenarian tea party!!! (For those who don't know, an octogenarian is someone between the age of 80 and 85.) It is stale and perfumee in the worst of ways. (I know perfumee is not a word.) Remember when I described something as " licking a sweaty wig"? This has some of that too. Not good. Very much so not good! This is like somebody gave you an organic soap and you wash your face with it and it gets in your mouth. Snacks shouldn't have the flavor experience of accidentally consumed household items. I give this snack a 1-why do I have to buy jeans sized for a husky 12 year old-out of five.
Oh come on! From Chowards to a candy from Mexico??? What, did my mouth lose a bet? Can I go back to the Japanese gummies please? Gosh darn it! There I said it. Now my good pal and bro in law Dave bought these for me. What a kind guy....or an evil mofo. These hard candies are called Chili Rokas. I think he got these in Seattle when he was touring doing cage fights. I am pretty sure I am recalling that correctly. (He doesn't fight cage fights...that is rule number one but if this doesn't go well I might enter him in one.) Lets take a closer look-
Huh, individually wrapped hard candies in four different flavors. That is different. 65 individually wrapped fruit flavored candies called chili rokas. That is allot of chili rokas. To be honest I would rather have 65 apple ginger ale gummies but lets just see how this goes.

I chose to sample the Pineapple flavor. Upon unwrapping the candy I first noticed that it had a beautiful yellow sheen to it. Not the usual chili dusted sweat candies I have been accustomed to from Mexico. Feeling ok at this point I put the round yellow candy in my mouth and was surprised to find no salty taste just a rather pleasant pineapple candy flavor. No not a fresh pineapple candy flavor but a candy pineapple flavor. Like one would expect to taste if they hadn't been burned by crappy mexican candy before.

Here is the problem with me and hard candy, after about a minute I just want to chew it up and move on. I don't have time to sit around slowly eroding a butterscotch with my tongue. What do you think I am an octogenarian? So after a minute I bit down on my pineapple friend who was bridging the ill blood I have with mexican sweets when I was instantly bamboozeled. Or maybe I was hornswogled. Well, either way it was massively unpleasant! In the center of this hard candy there is a lurking evil made up off chili powder and salt. Yeah, it is like your tongue got punked and then your whole mouth and then your whole day. Sure, maybe they designed it to slowly leak out like the fun fizzy center of Zotz. Only this is not Zotz nor is it fun. It hits you like somebody dumps chili powder in your mouth and sprays sweat into your mouth from a super soaker. (Now why that person would do that let alone have the time to fill a super soaker with sweat is beyond me but if you are hanging out with that person, you have made some questionable decisions.) Long gone was the fruity pineapple candy friend I had just met. They had died a terrible death and their guts were rotten and clinging to every inch of my mouth. I spit with all my might!!! I do believe my salivary glands were dry heaving in an attempt to cleanse the soiled wasteland that had become my mouth. Alas there was to be no comfort found. No knight in apple ginger ale gummy armor would ride in and rescue the now destitute and downtrodden king that was once my tongue. His kingdom had fallen. Pestulance had taken hold and poisoned his domain until all life had withered and taken leave.

It was a dark time, indeed. But as often what happens in the most dire of times there was to be a hero. For there was one, last, beacon of hope. Who was present to rise up against the dastardly chili rokka. Who was it??? You will have to read about it-NEXT TIME!!!!!!

~cliff hanger~oooooooh ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.





Oh, and I give this snack a 1- thirty something man who needs a stool to reach most things in the kitchen-out of 5.

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