Here is another scenario: "I like eating fresh fruit but it is SOOOO hard to keep buying it at the store and then it just gets bruised and yucky." (Actual testimony by Tyler Wauldrup the first 2 year old stock broker.)
"Well Tyler, how about fruit that is ground up and then coated in sugar and squished into a bar form?" His response "Y-a-y! I go boom boom!" (We should have edited that last part. I am sorry.)
Now in both those scenarios one could argue that by changing the shape and order of the item it becomes more easily transportable. That is true. But it also changes it into something else. Somebody had to do tricky things to those initial ingredients and take things away and add things to them. You aren't really drinking just pie and ice cream or eating "real" fruit, in most cases. So I bought some chips also known as chippy chorps, chip chips, or eat crunch crunch flats and here are the results.
First up we have this product which I have no idea what it is called. I bought it at Fubon on a recent trip with my amazing wife. This picture isn't great I know but it shows the only english on the front. Sarah found these and I thought "What a good idea. I will eat healthier at lunch time if I have dried fruit." Then I thought "Was Howard the Duck really too groovy for gravy and too precious for pate?" When I returned from deep thought, we had bought the chips.
Ooooh! Those look healthy and delicious! Don't they? Well it is a good thing that they didn't pluralize the fruits on the front because there was one strawberry chip. Yeah. One. There was like 59 banana chips and a bunch of either jackfruit or apple. I have no idea what jackfruit looks or tastes like and I ate it. I think. Look right there in the front. I am pretty sure that isn't apple. The problem here is that everything kind of tasted like apple or banana or both. Then there is the issue of texture, which here, everything had the crunch of astronaut ice cream. Which made me think perhaps this isn't fruit anymore. Sure I have had dried fruit in cereals and things but this stuff was really dry and had a strange powdery outside. Like maybe a chemical had dried it. Now I am not putting this snack down. I am just saying, I have some questions. (Other than the one about Howard the Duck.) I give this snack a 3-cookie dough squeeze tube called "cookie squirts" Now you can have cookies in a tube. when a friend says"oh man i got cookie crumbs all over my clothes. You can say, "Not me, I have cookie squirts."-out of 5.
Next we have Cassava chips. Now if you aren't familiar with Cassava, you might be more familiar with yuca. Which is what it is. Huh. Same thing. It is a starchy thing that is the third largest source of carbs in the tropics. So with that in mind, what a great thing to turn into a chippy chorp. But wait, if this is just another carb then why not just eat a potato chip? Well, it is all natural. Wait, isn't a potato all natural? Um, yes. But this has only 140 calories (per small amount that nobody actually stops eating chips at.)
So it has the same amount as the average "healthy" chip or "baked" chip. Lets take a look.
Well they are quite pretty. They have little aroma. Perhaps a touch of sweet notes rather than the salt I can usually detect from a bag of chips that are said to be "salty". The crunch is satisfying but the flavor is kinda mundane. I mean, look, you want to eat better? Take an actual vegetable in your lunch. A carrot has a great crunch and if you dip it in marshallshautesauce.com then it will have awesome flavor. But if you are going to eat chips and think healthy...that is a different thing. Lets face it, in the end you ate 3-500 calories of something that you didn't enjoy as much as the real thing. So are these crunch crunch flats bad? Not at all. They taste like a yam with some cayenne on it that was maybe lightly fried or maybe baked. I give it a 3-A new snack sponsered by hip hop artists. It is nuts ground into a powder that is then sprinkled on shredded jerky. You eat it like people use chew. Just tuck it into your lip and let it slowly give you sustenance for up to an hour. When your co-workers say "man, I am dragging. Must be low blood sugar." You can reply "Not me, I have Yo-Nuts in my mouth."-out of 5.
Lastly we have this. I have no idea what this is called. I had to by it because it had a chicken screaming, it looks like the chip is shaped like a chicken leg, and there is a chef and a safari hunter double high fiving while they cry. (The latter being something I have always wanted to see. My bucket list just got shorter.) If you can believe it, this only cost 2 dollars. Yeah, I kinda want to frame it. But wait, it gets better.
Oh what? There is a cartoon inside the box?!? Of my favorite scene where the safari hunter (ok, he has to be the worst safari hunter if he is after a chicken. A chicken.) has a stick with a hand on it and he goes to a gun store guy that totally wants a chicken. The gun store guy is like "hey how about you try a gun?" and the safari dude is like "I don't know. This stick with a hand on it has been working pretty nicely."and the gun store guy is like "Oh yeah? what have you killed?" and the safari dude is like "Um, if by killed you mean slapped the hell out of with a stick with a hand on it...... 2 kittens and a diabetic gorilla..... but the last one may have been a dream."
That it what I imagine is happening anyway.
Yes!!! The chips are shaped like chicken legs!!!! (There were more than three in the bag.) So I can pretend I am eating fried chicken with my sandwich at lunch?!? Awesome. Kind of. The only problem I have with this snack is that fried chicken is too hard to approximate the taste of. That being said, I have no idea if that is the idea behind this snack. So we have a corn puff shaped like a chicken leg with a slight chicken in a biscuit taste (but far less creepy tasting) with a touch of cayenne for heat. Obviously this is intended for kids so the heat scale won't be super hot. I sometimes forget that when I am looking at these snacks. That whole intended audience thing. If I was a kid (kinda am) I'd want this. I'd buy it for a kid just to watch them wtf their way thru it. I give this snack a 4.5-Do you like gravy but can't find the time to make it? Well how about gravy pouch? Simply fill the insulated pouch with your choice of stock and add one teaspoon of thickener and seal it up and drop it in your pocket. Then go on your usual one mile jog and when you are done, so is the gravy! The next time a family member says "Gladis, this gravy is to die for. Is it store bought?" You can proudly exclaim "No, I made my own gravy. In my pants."-out of 5.
*All grading scale ideas are of my own mind and trademarked accordingly. Any intent on stealing these gems will result in a ton of voodoo rituals and general bad mouthing.
P.s. Don't buy stocks from Tyler. So far I am in 500 dollars to something called momma and dadda.
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