.FOOrD BLOOrG. Good intentions vs. Bad inventions

I can't help but think that the people who created the internet had great intentions.  Like they were dreaming up this information super highway that would make the world a richer-brighter place. I imagine this transpired the same way 100's(?) of years prior when somebody invented the library. They just thought of a mass of useful documentation and historical facts all in one place readily accessible to anyone who enters. Only there is a stark difference between the library and the internet. The internet lately seems to be an odd hodge podge of nosey neighbor and pervert. Recently I feel like it is trying to educate or inform me on anything useful or even interesting. The internet is like "Hey, Mark is listening to Public Enemy." My reply is "Shut up internet. I don't care what he is listening to." And yet the internet persists "Hey, hey, Mark-wait, here is his picture-him. He is still listening to Public Enemy." My reply again "Stuff it, internet. Quit wasting my time." ....."Has he always had a lazy eye?" Internet replys "Yes, hold on. There, I just tagged you as his lazy eye."

Me-"Damn you internet."

Internet-"Oh I am sorry. Why don't you do a google image search for a difficult to spell Indian dish? It is really good!"

Me-(Hesitant)"Ok, that seems like a good idea. I have been wanting a new Indian recipe."

Internet-(Safe search OFF) WALL OF BUTTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(
(*Bookmark)

Me-"Damn you internet."

See, that scenario doesn't exist in the scholarly realm of libraries. You don't go to a library and open a book on George Washington and see a picture of his wood. Wooden teeth sure! (*I don't think he really had wooden teeth. Did he? Let me google image search.........Damn you internet.) There is very little trickery at the library. Well, there was. Now the library has the internet and I really would like to think that this happened so that people could find out more information. But simply go to the library and look at who is on those computers. Ok maybe two of those 20 kids are doing a book report while everybody else is being as shifty as possible. So we are all pretty much doomed to be stupid and only care about what somebody is listening to or who has the best wife/husband ever. Sigh. My point isn't that life has become meaningless and that we all are going to die. (Although that is true. At least the death part anyway. The meaning of life is a different story. No I am not going to google search that.) My point is that I believe that those two things came from a good place but good intentions sometimes lead to questionable results.

With that in mind I present :Exhibit A.

Don't get me wrong. I am not condemning or condoning candy cigarets. Everyone knows that smoking causes cancer and is delicious. However, I reviewed Kids Beer and that could be seen just as evil as this. No matter wether this candy exists or not, kids will pretend to smoke. Plus I don't think that this candy appeals to kids anymore. Actually I am not even sure that kids "pretend" anymore. I think that they just play Xbox. Who would want to pretend smoke and play Xbox?  Yeah, that is pretty silly.

Now this is a retro candy. Which means that it pretty much exists so that people old enough can experience nostalgia. Why? Well, lets open up a box and find out.

Oh that is right. They pretty much are one of the least enjoyable candies ever. Look, they don't even have the fake red end which was supposed to signify a lit cigereat. That is a bunch of BS. How does it taste? (If you had one back in the day just reflect on that for a moment.)

It smells faintly of wintergreen. It tastes like it is the faulty relative of the Lik-M-Aid stick. You know that white sugar stick that tasted like nothing but sugar and yet you could dip it into sour powder? Yeah, take that idea and worsen it. First-throw away that awesome powder. (For the young ones: It is now called Fun Dip.) Then take the candy stick and get it wet and then let is dry and repeat this process until it is a brittle unlikeable shell of itself. Now cut it into cigaret shape. YUM!

I give this snack a-1.5-If I don't want to be attacked by a bear then I better fill my britches with bees cuz bears are scared of bee stings. #deadandbee-reid-out of 5.

Exhibit B:

I bet that you are thinking "Hey, you just covered this." But look again, these are gum cigerets. Sure, you recall these. They have paper wrapped around the gum with a faint amount of powder that a kid can blow out of the gum cigaret and actually pretend that they are smoking. Such a good idea!!!

I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't think that was the coolest as a kid. Any kid would! That is until you chewed the gum. That is, if you could get the then wet paper off of the gum and also get past the flour like powder on the outside of gum.

Oh snap. These retro gum cigarets have the kid's lungs in mind-they added filters. Good save novelty candy company. Good save. In the olden times, they were all straights. No filter gum cigarets for my and all previous generations. Is the powder there? You bet your sweet bippy it is. (What does that even mean?) The only other difference here is that they also offer "different" flavors. I place that in quotes because technically speaking they are really offering different colors. The flavors range from vague fruit flavor to slightly vaguer fruit flavor but I am trying to not be too critical of this treat. That would be easy. (It is a f*cking gum cigaret.) I am merely suggesting that if you are going to make some changes than maybe improve upon the quality of the treat. That is all I am saying.

I give this snack a 1-I was scared the town might flood so I poured gas into the river and set it on fire so that the fire would evaporate the water. #notgoingtobere-elected-out of 5.

Exhibit: Wha?

Oh yea! Imagine the brainstorm that took place in an adults mind to create this!

Man#1- "We need a product that involves dipping a sucker into sour powder."

Man#2-"Isn't there like a ton of those already?"

Man#1- "You are fired."

Man#2- "Please, I have a wife and kids!"

Man#1-"You heard me! Scram"

Man #3-(Which closely resembles a super computer with an ill fitting wig.) What about a toilet?

Man#1- "Damn you internet!"

Now I get that kids love gross candy. Sure, it is fun and I am not trying to take that away. I have seen gross out labs where kids make brains and boogers sure. (Who hasn't wanted a fruit punch booger experience that wasn't the result of a Capri Sun shooting out your nose?) But I never saw a toilet and a plunger and thought "Man, if only I could eat that. That would be so dope." (I have mad street cred in my dreams.)

This was a gift from our pals A and D. It was a birthday gift. Yes, I have good pals and am blessed but that isn't what we are here to talk about. Lets lift the lid on this!

First-I want to mention that you get two candy plungers. Nice. I appreciate the second plunger even though it is kinda unrealistic. I mean if you need two different strength plungers, you have some serious gastrointestinal issues that should be diagnosed by a doctor.

Secondly- They deserve extra points for actually putting some apple flavor into the plunger. So many companies put all of the flavor in the dip and that just makes me toss the dip stick and eat the powder. (Weird sentence or Meaning of Life?)

Thirdly- This experience is kinda fun. The powder stays in the bowl and the plastic toilet is easy to hold onto. I could eat this on the go. (Pun intended, Thank You) The flavor isn't too sour or too sweet and the amount of everything seems pretty balanced considering at some point you are going to eat one of the plungers. You could easily enjoy this in two sittings. I did. Which is nice and you are in control of how much you add of the sour to the sweet. Customizable candy is dope. (Sorry, I was day dreaming for a second.)

I give this candy a 4- I am a god fearing man so I built a giant stove on my roof so when he reaches down to smite me, he will burn his hand.#lastinlineforheaven-out of 5.

Exhibit: No.

Our last snack is terrifying to me and I will tell you why. I bought it at Target. Now maybe I am different from you but I can't feel good about this existing much less buying it at Target. That store, in my mind, is where we buy dish soap or clothes hangers. We don't ever say "We need groceries. Better go to Target!" I don't even eat there. Nobody should. Alas, people do and for some reason, people sure like it. Lets look at the back of the box maybe that will make me feel better.

Oh good. It is egg free. Somehow that makes me feel like they tried to make one with eggs that sat in a box unrefridgerated. That makes my everything want to vomit. Holy sh*t-LOOK AT ALL THOSE GROSS THINGS THAT THEY MAKE!!! Ok, lets get real for a second. This snack isn't "target-ing" kids. You give a kid a choice between gummy worms, chocolate bars, and these creepy facsimiliess of a cinnamon bun and a kid would never choose the latter. These are marketed toward ladies with a lot of cats and not a lot of human contact time and dudes that smell like cheese but are not french. Or just a person that needs portable non-refrigerated cinnamon buns to tide them over between actual cinnamon buns. These are evil. A 2 dollar box of evil.

Now I always imagined that candy first was flavored after fruit in an effort to persuade kids to eat actual fruit. A flawed theory I know but in my mind somebody was thinking "Man, if only there was a product that could get my kid to eat ACTUAL cinnamon buns." Ugh, this whole section of the post is creeping me out. Lets open the box.

WTF!!! First of all there is no cinnamon swirl? Those heartless liars! (I then reread the back and noticed the giant red letters saying what this snack is. I am not so smart.) Secondly, it feels fleshy. Like cold fleshy though. Have you ever touched a corpse? No? Well touch one of these and you will know exactly what a corpse feels like. I am serious. Upon opening the box a stench is released. A rancid smell only ever encountered near a Cin-a-Bon. At this point I am really freaking out. This was quickly approaching the don't eat category in my mind. On a scale of 10 being I really want to eat this and 1 being Bacon Tabs-this is Bacon Tabs.

The first thing that happens as you bite into it is it smooshes more than it crumbles. It breaks down into a pasty substance that has the mouth feel of cheap white chocolate and then as my gag reflex is really waiting in the wings it begins to taste like the uncooked center of a Cin-a-bon. It really did. I hated every second of it but I also was so disgusted that I had to buy it. The company we have to thank for making this is called "Taste of Nature". Ah yes, who doesn't remember the natural taste of cinnamon bun bites from the great outdoors. Right now, my mouth feels like it is painted in pang and anguish. Not even bubble water is helping. Sadly, it does everything it says it does. Probably the best at being this. It is garbage but it is exactly the garbage that it professes to be. I guess I am finding it difficult to fault it for that. It is like creationalists hating dinosaurs for existing. It just is what it is and it probably bring joy to someone. Right? But I'd still rather eat an actual toilet plunger with no sour powder and if I had a kid I'd buy him a pack of candy cigarets a day if it kept him from developing a cinnamon bun addiction. I give this snack a 2.5-I like cinnamon rolls but I need them on the go for my not very active but just active enough to keep me out of the mall food court lifestyle.#stilllivesinmomsbasement-out of 5.

*The candy and gum cigarets were purchased at a great candy and soda shop in PDX called FIZZ.

Thanks to my friends for the gifts and my wicked wife.