.FOOrD BLOrG. More chocolates.....Seriously?

Ok, I get it. People like chocolate. A lot. It is like the old saying "Variety is the spice of life. . .but after you've had a moderately sized portion of life you are probably going to want dessert and if you are like most people then that will include chocolate."-Aesop or Nestle, I don't recall.

Seriously, I get it. When I go to a market I see a whole end cap of new chocolate concoctions. There has to be an end in sight for this madness. I am convinced that we have exhausted all of the good chocolate pairings and are now just putting anything in chocolate. "Oh, you like chocolate? What else do you like? Do you like boobs? Because this one was made with just boobs. (I know, you are thinking I bet that one is milk chocolate. It wasn't. It was 90% Cacao) Do you like hedgehogs? Because this one tastes like hedgehogs. No that isn't gross. These hedgehogs are very optimistic and their toileting skills are impeccable. How about pizza? I made chocolate pizza and then put pizza in the chocolate. What do you mean is there cheese in it? If you are lactose intolerant what business do you have eating chocolate in the first place? Oh, you like dogs? I made dog chocolates. That is right they are just for dogs and this time have 0% actual dog in them. (Which is real. That last one is real. There are chocolates made just for dogs. That is messed up. Chocolate can kill a dog. That is like making candy household cleaners for kids and then getting mad when they drink the windex. That is your fault. Your kids death is on your hands and your neighbors are scoffing at your sub par window care.) Oh, you like windows? I made chocolate windows and just in case, a chocolate kid sized coffin."-Aesop

I think you get the point. See, I am all about trying new things and giving things a chance but some ideas just shouldn't get out of the idea phase. Somebody should say "I don't think this is a good idea." For instance, any chocolate that is pooped out of a plastic person or animal. That is gross and all I know is that this isn't going to be good chocolate. You never get a Dove chocolate out of a pooping anything situation. If you do, then I am guessing that you are a good samaritan and that person you helped has paid you with one chocolate. Sure it is a weird payment but I don't know the circumstances and I don't need to know. And no, I don't want that chocolate. None the less, my friends and I rallied around some chocolates and braved another session of 'In The Mouth Of Snackness'. Lets see if any of the products are well conceived or just another chocolate regret.

Both this chocolate and the next were found by my wife at a Zupans grocery here in Portland, Or. I am sure you have seen these around if you have any interest in chocolate snacks. You might not have purchased one on the account that they are nine or ten dollars. Yeah, for a chocolate bar. That is the world of "high end" food. One of the ideas behind products like this is that you are paying for premium quality ingredients that have been arranged and balanced by a true talent. These are usually products designed for individual tastes not like an average candy bar that is designed for broad consumption.
Does that make sense? (I wasn't listening to me either.) Basically they are designing an eating experience more than just the experience of stuffing your word chute with foods.

So we can see on the front here: ginger, wasabi, black sesame seeds etc... I must admit that these buzz words peaked my interest and I was glad that she picked it out. (Well done, wife.) I didn't get a photo of the back (I am so lame.) but it had a play by play of how they wanted you to enjoy their product. These steps included warming the piece of chocolate with your thumb and even how to breathe during the eating of said chocolate. First off, keep your laws off my body. Secondly, keep you chocolate off my thumbs. That looks gross.

The wrapper is quite interesting. I always appreciate it when a company adds some design elements to what would otherwise just be boring. While this is nice and all, it will be for nothing if they snack is blech. So lets unwrap this beast and see how it tastes. In addition to my heroic wife, we also have two of our friends C and N to aid in todays experiment.

*Note: Check it out, they even printed something on the chocolate...or stamped it...or molded it...Look, I don't know their process. Geez. Just look at it.

S-Tastes like chocolate. I don't really taste any ginger or wasabi but I can feel the texture of the sesame seeds. (A moment later.) Wait, I get a little wasabi and a little ginger. It isn't bad. I like the sesame seed but would like more wasabi. 3 out of 5.

C- I get a little ginger. A small amount of wasabi which is good. You don't want to f*ck around with wasabi. So subtle. It's base is a very nice chocolate. I could do with more ginger and a touch more wasabi. I could eat this pretty often. Despite the long list of buzz words it isn't a novelty. 3.5 out of 5.

N-It is on the sweet side which I didn't expect. If you suck on the piece of chocolate you do get a little more of the wasabi. For me though it is just a tad too sweet. 2.5 out of 5.

d- This is going to be difficult because all I wrote in my note was "bullsh*t". I think my problem is that I don't care for somebody telling me how to do something or how to enjoy something. However when we did what the back of the packaging said, it really was an interesting experience. Not amazing or mind blowing but I think we could see how this could work. Maybe for a lot of people it does. We thought that perhaps in a restaurant setting or a dessert place this would bode well. Again, I am not a chocolate fan but I can appreciate that we all had similar and yet different experiences and that hasn't really happened before. So nice work but I give it a 2 out of 5.

*Note: This was scribbled in my notes- Not Hobo Biggins Chocolate Company. So do with that what you will.

Here we go again. Another 8-10 dollar chocolate bar. This time including Thyme. Thyme is my favorite herb and if it is paired with lemon I will consume whatever it is on. (That is a lot of time spent saying thyme.) This bar didn't come with its own list of instructions. Thank goodness. Lets see their wrapper under the packaging.

Huh. Well, there is something there but it is so bland that why did they even bother? Yeah, I know the name of the company it is on the outside already. I don't know, just the look of this whole situation reeks of boredom and effort. I usually don't get too gossipy but their website is atrocious. I clicked on shopping and it just told me that my basket was empty. Thanks.

Oh wow. They bothered to put lines on the chocolate. Cool. That must take some time to design. Lines. Interesting choice. Lines. Yea.... I can feel all the design work and everything really inflating the cost here...Or not. I feel like paying this much for something it should feel personal and this doesn't feel personal at all. It continues to feel boxy and boring. I do love thyme though, remember? The flavor will probably turn it around.

S-No. Big f*cking zero.

C-Oh, no. It tastes like the seeds from a birdcage. The seeds from a birdcage with poop on them. Ugh. 1 out of 5 for just trying. It is even worse the second time.

N-Blech. Ugh. Weird. It tastes like carob. This, in no way, tastes like chocolate. 0 out of 5.

d-AHHH. This tastes just how an art teacher smells. The rice texture is highly questionable and there is far too much flax seed or burnt a$$ hair. I can't tell which. 0 out of 5.

Yeah, so to recap this evening's trials: at the end of the evening the first chocolate bar was pretty much gone. All but I kept going back to it and trying to find different elements. That says something right? Almost all of the second bar remained on the plate. Four people with different tastes all found it terrible. So between these two are two very different approaches. If I was spending 10 dollars I know who I would choose. (a ton of Sweetarts) I'd like to thank C & N for participating. I hope they will come back again and as always my lady for her support and all around wifeness.

But wait, there is more!!! A BONUS CHOCOLATE ADDITION!

We found this in a Finish store in Astoria. This is the same store that we found double salt licorice at. Ugh. There is something so fantastically intriguing about this product. I mean everyone has seen those little chocolate liquor candies but this is somehow different. Maybe it is the flavored vodka addition or the suppository shape rather than a bottle. Regardless it was a definite buy even at $7.50 a box. So we waited for an opportune time and busted this finish baby open.

So each chocolate is individually wrapped which is a good move since a few were smooshed.  In the first round S tried the original and I tried the cranberry. The woman at the store told us, even though most people should know this, don't bite it in half or vodka will drool down your chin. So you just pop it in your mouth and chew away.

The first thing that happens is the chocolate gives way under your teeth and vodka fills your mouth. Now the next time your teeth meet, there is a gritty crunch. I figure that shell inside the chocolate acts as some kind of barrier for the vodka. It is not great. So there you are with a mouth full of vodka, weird floating crunchy tidbits, and subpar chocolate chunks. You can't really swallow it all down safelyeven though that is what your mind is telling you to do. Your only option is to buck up and chew as fast as you can as vodka sloshes amongst the melting chocolate saliva in your mouth. Sound good? Want some?
Well, come on over we have more.

Needless to say neither of us particularly enjoyed our experience. The first time. Yes we tried another each because S came up with an awesome game plan. Go against the elderly woman's words and defy her finish wishes. S bit the end off the chocolate and shot the lemon lime vodka. "Oh yea, that is pretty good. Just tastes like lemon lime vodka." she said tossing the hollowed chocolate carcass down the garbage disposal. So I tried it as well. She was right, yet again. Heck, this experience was cheaper than 10 dollars and WAY more fun. We were suddenly excited to have a box of these tiny vodka shots. I kinda feel like this product is like those Wax nips. Which was just a wax bottle with a small amount of vaguely sweet liquid in it. Sure you could chew the crappy wax but then you'd just have a mouth full of crappy wax. No thanks. Just let us bite the heads off and drink their guts, thank you.

S-Before figuring out to bite the top off and not eat the chocolate. 2 out of 5. After changing up the experience-4 out of 5.
d- I agree. 100 %

So not everything is a great idea. Not everyone is right about ow to experience things. They all were experiences though and even the bad ones, when shared with friends, can become laughable fun experiences.

Until next time, something, something, and something.-Aesop

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