.FOOrD BLOrG. Gum, a novel idea.

Novelty. 

Novelty is a weird word. You can use it to describe the "newness" of something. "We will see how much the baby enjoys that real ninja star once the novelty has worn off." (*Did I mention I am about to become a parent? No worries. I got this.) You can also use novelty to describe a trinket. "It was so small that I accidentally swallowed the novelty teapot. Before I swallowed it, it was quite hilarious. Since then I have grown rather worrisome." (Typical scenarios.) This is strange to me. Perhaps it is the way in which I feel novelty is used to weigh entertainment. It is like you could also say "Eventually the baby won't be entertained by my penny collection." Or "I am no longer entertained by this thumbnail-sized panini press. I long for an actual panini press. These sandwiches are far too fluffy to eat unpressed." (More boring typical scenarios.) I think my problem with the word novelty is that I weigh entertainment and enjoyment far beyond most other things in life. I mean, I am aging pretty gracefully with the exception of smile lines. I just love laughter and being able to share that with the people I care about. That is how my brain has always worked. Case in point: Me, an elementary school boy. I overhear a ditty that another student has made up about 2 other children who may fancy each other. It goes "Whistle while you work. Betsy is a jerk. Shane Metheney broke his weenie. Now it doesn't work." I will never forget it. The novelty of that novelty song has never worn off. However, I spent weeks in high school studying the table of elements and all I could tell you is that if you want to make Poison, you need to combine the elements "Bel," "Biv," & "Divoe." Now you know.

So today we are looking at gum. Gum is something that you should want to linger. You want to enjoy it as long as possible. Otherwise you'd just eat candy, right? Also today's 1-5 scale is brought to you by personal moments of novelty. However, to prove that my blog is not a novelty, I plan on being completely serious for the rest of this post.

Alright, so first off we have a very serious gum. This is Camel Balls. In case you aren't quite sure what they are alluding to, Chicle has given you an artistic rendering of rotund camel testicles. Technically speaking though, that is an illustration of a camel scrotum. I can't help but imagine that there was a test group who after a long deliberation decided that children would rather have camel balls in their mouth and that a child asking their parents for a camel scrotum would be in poor taste. (That probably happened.)

We found this gum in a village in the south of France. We were at a farmers market and there was a small candy kiosk. There amongst the various confections like hand pulled taffy, various licorices, and pastilles were Camel Balls. They only had the one flavor. So I am assuming that Camel Balls only come "Extra Sour." The outer wrapper was not cooperating in the photo but you can sort of see that on the left it says "liquid filled." Now in case you have never known how a camel ball should be. It should be extra sour and liquid filled. Lets move on past its gorgeous exterior and see the actual delicacy.

Oh bother. It would appear some misfortune has befallen my camel ball which has caused it to rupture. It would also appear that I have only one ball. I have one camel ball. One must inquire as to why this is called "Camel Balls" but inside there is a lone ball. They should either change the name of this fine dessert or put a second ball in there. I mean, it is a no brainer. Lets be honest about how many balls we are giving people.

The ball smells somewhere between Pixie Stix and a Tart N Tiny (before they candy coated them.) The  ball (since it had leaked) has a texture that is somehow both slimy and gritty (slitty?) Eventually the gum has an elastic and soft chew. The type of chew that you might have encountered with a very cheap  and sugary gum. The flavor is equal parts blue raspberry and fruit punch. I find myself somewhat forlorn that I didn't get the full experience of the camel ball bursting in my mouth. However, it is my duty to carry on and not hold that against the gum. The flavor dissipates rather quickly and the once slitty gum starts to seize once you have swallowed the load of flavor that the ball once contained. In under a minute I found the experience had lost its luster. I give this snack a 2- Long ago my friend Aaron and I would DJ around town under the name DJ Sharon Needles. One of the things we would do to alleviate the pretentiousness of the dance scene was at one point in the evening we would give out glow sticks and fake mustaches. Suddenly people were transformed from a party where people might think twice about dancing to a care-free fun time.-out of 5.

Our second gum today was found at Tenzing Momo. Tenzing Momo is a herbs, vitamins, incense, etc... kind of shop located in Pikes Place Market in Seattle. I always knew of it as "The Witch Store."  It feels a bit like a witch's store. The overall layout is kinda chaotic and the people who work there run the gambit from elder librarian of occult books to a crusty punk wiccan. Even when I lived in Seattle I always enjoyed a pop into Tenzing Momo if not to purchase something, to listen to a customer rant on to the employee who simply wants them to take their bag of crazy and move on.  "Yes. Here is your wolves blood tea and your chants to bring about the moon child which shall in turn enslave all of man. Thank you for shopping at Tenzing Momo."

What we have here, in a nondescript drug bag, is gum. Now this was an impulse buy. It was at the register and I wanted it for this post. What kind is it? What is it made of? What flavor is it supposed to be? Who made this? These are all questions that are usually applied to things that are found in these tiny bags. The truth is: I don't know.

S- It smells like beeswax. Hmm. It is minty at first. I get a touch of honey. I like that it isn't sticking to my teeth. I think that this is a pretty good gum. The flavor lasts a good amount of time and I enjoy the light minty flavor. I give it a 4 out of 5.

d-There isn't crunch at first. Like most gums this shape that usually have that crisp outer layer. This breaks down a bit more like wax. A good wax. Like this is more natural in its essence. This reminds me of a chiclet. I actually enjoy the mint flavor. It has a good chew. Not too hard. I give it a 4-Mix tapes or Cd's. I love making mixes. I enjoy making them for specific people. I like to find out what types of music they listen to and find elements of that in other bands or styles that might not be familiar with. Is a mix a novelty? Perhaps but the feeling of receiving something that someone has put so much thought into is nothing to laugh at. -out of 5.

Our third gum comes to us from Accouterments. They also made the popcorn and cola gumballs from another post. (S's mother found this for me. I am thankful for kindness like this.) Here we have not one but 3 different flavors of gum to try.  Cranberry, pumpkin pie, and turkey. I know what you are thinking "Finally a meat gumball!" I bet the Camel Balls people are rolling in their graves (they have passed in this scenario) wishing they had just made camel flavor gum. (mmmmm) I mean, don't over think it right?

So we open the tin and we can see the 3 different colors. Red is clearly the cranberry, orange is the pumpkin pie, and yellow must be turkey.

Cranberry

S- This tastes like a cheap gumball. I don't taste cranberry. eh. Not impressed.

d- I agree. The shell on the outside kinda breaks off and it just tastes like a gumball you'd get out of a machine for a nickle. The kind who's flavor you'd describe as "red." Like it isn't even a discernible fruit.

Pumpkin Pie

S- Alright. This tastes like a cheap Big Red. Not too bad. Mostly an artificial cinnamon flavor.

d- I get a cheap cinnamon. The flavors of these aren't great or lasting very long.

Turkey

S-This tastes like gravy. This really tastes like a gravy gumball. It is pretty close to mayo gum. Is there mayonnaise gum? If not, someone should make it. People would love that. I give these a 3 because they nailed the gravy flavor and it is gross-out of 5.

d- This is definitely more gravy than turkey. A very gravy gumball indeed. Well it finally sort of delivers what it is saying it would.

Overall, I get that this has to be meant as a novelty. There can't be an honest market for meat gum. Right? I mean the cranberry and pie flavors aren't even close. It is almost like they weren't even trying because the crazy turkey gumball is what people are going to buy this for. Even the ratio seems poorly conceived. 4 cranberry to 9 turkey? Well, I suppose turkey is the main course. I give this snack a 2-Makeover Party. This is something we have done. First you compile a box of costumes and novelty items (novelty like silly glasses etc... not novelty like penis pasta.) Next you invite your friends over and pair people off in 2s. Each person in the pair will choose the outfit for the other person for the duration of the party. This is a great time for photos.-out of 5.

Our last gum comes to us from Japan. This is Watering Kissmint Flavor Change. A subtle yet beautiful name for a gum. Who doesn't want to think of mouths watering while they kiss. Just saliva streams a flowing. Watering those kisses. It is just poetry, people. We can also see from the name that this gum changes flavors. Magical! So really what we have here is a gum that is designed to change from pineapple to mint and it has a chemical to make your mouth water. Seriously. I am being serious. Look!

You can clearly see that there are lines on the gum stick that... You know, do the changing and watering in your mouth. We have finally reached that point in food. Feel free to ask your next server at a restaurant "Excuse me, I'd like the tuna niciose but do you know if it has something to make the watering happen in my mouth?" I can guarentee that either it will or the server might even share their own mouth waterings with your tuna for asking! We really are alive at a magical time.

Yep. See. Right there. Those lines are going to do things in your mouth. Magical things.

S- I wouldn't say it is a flavor change as much as flavorful. This is kind of a visceral experience. I also would say that this is more menthol than mint. I get citrus more than any other fruit. There is also a cough drop quality here. I give this gum a 5-out of 5. It is a fun experience and rather inventive.

d- I like this. The flavor lasts longer than any of the other gums that we have tried today. The texture is nice and not slitty at all. I don't get pineapple as much as a citrus. I really like the menthol. Mint can often be too one note but the citrus and menthol play well together. This is like if Fruit Stripe gum and Vicks got together. I remember as a kid that there was Aspergum. It was a delicious blend of aspirin and gum for children. (What could go wrong?) I give this snack a 4.5- One time at a party I found some string and I put it on my top lip, like a mustache. I was quite enjoying myself until someone said "What are you like 5?" At the time I replied "Mostly." but I thought about it after. The conclusion I came to is that to some adults the novelty of youth has worn off. To me it never will. It is magical. It is transformational. It is so unpretentious and fun. Adults are often trying to seem smarter and more important than they are. (Adults can suck Camel Balls.) Me? I am the kid with the greying hair and the paper mustache who is sitting in the corner drawing a hot dog dance party.

Chew on that.

(*Also I'd like to thank S for helping me by taking photos. This blog looks a lot better because of her efforts.)