Chocolate.
I know I have said 1000 times that I am not a big chocolate fan. However, even if you are a chocolate fan, you aren't going to like every single thing that chocolate has going on. This is pretty much true with anything. You could be the biggest corduroy vest fan but that doesn't mean you want corduroy ass less chaps. (or maybe it does. They would look good with the vest.) You might love German techno but that doesn't mean you'll love a German techno remix of Fallout Boy. (Unless it is instrumental.) You might love cats but that certainly doesn't mean you'll enjoy Cats The Musical. I am not sure if I am communicating this clearly so lets bring Punky Brewster into the situation. (Always a good idea.)
So Punky Brewster was a sitcom that was on in the mid 1980s. It was about a quirky little girl who is being raised by an old fuddy duddy foster parent with a heart of gold. The story lines follow Punky as she struggles with things like mild sadness, stress, and friendships. It did OK for a year and so someone decided "We need more Punky!" So suddenly there was a cartoon called "It's Punky Brewster." Basically, the same right? I mean, give the people what they want! Punky Brewster? Check. Magic Gopher-who grants wishes? Check. Wait. What? This isn't the same. If Punky had a magic gopher that grants wishes, she probably wouldn't be a foster kid living with a weird old man with a bleeding ulcer. (I am not admitting that I have thought about this before or argued this point at a party after a few too many slippery nipples.) A version of something can only be just that. Different. Trust me, as someone who has had that word applied to them their whole life, different is an acquired taste.
Today we will be trying some different chocolate friends.
First up today is Choco Baby. S found this for me at a market. I think what catches the eye first here is the exploitation style-possibly racist name. Now a lot of candy that I find or that is found for me at Asian groceries or ordered from over seas, will have cartoon characters on them. I am so very glad that this one does not. I searched for commercials with fear in my heart of what I would find. Luckily there were none. So what is a Choco Baby? Well, you know how chocolate can be so DIFFICULT to lug around? Oh man, it is just so HEAVY and cumbersome!!! Am I right? Well luckily meiji has you in mind and created a snack that is a tiny piece of chocolate something. Yeah and packaged it in a tube that is roughly the same size as the average chocolate bar. (huh..) Hey, look on the bright side though, it has a flip top lid so once you try this candy, you can re gift it to someone who you don't really care about. The plastic wrapper even comes off when you open it so they won't know that the candy is racist or an allusion to feces. (I mean everyone has a gross uncle who while leaving a restroom has claimed that they just birthed a chocobaby, right? No. Just me. Thanks Uncle Glen. Thanks a bunch.)
Lets try it!!!
Side note: Upon opening, it smells like a Dollar Store candle that is supposed to smell like a chocolate scented Dollar Store candle. Yeah. Not even a chocolate scented candle. Try once removed from that.
S- Ugh. Oh no. This is like bad Easter candy. If this is chocolate it has to be the cheapest of any chocolate ever. I am bummed that this is the blog post that you are returning with. I give it a 1 out of 5. No style points. I bet the whole wrapper comes off when you open it, to give you a chance to call it non-racist things.
d- Ack. I have literally tasted wax that was better than this. The mouth feel is both regret and crumbling wax. It is something like a fake Tootsie roll in every worse sense of this sentence. Perhaps this is the flavor equivalent to being racist. Eat this snack to feel what a racist mouth feels like after being racist. This is the "scared straight" equivalent of snacks. You eat this and then your mouth will want to repent and eat better chocolate. I give this snack a 1- Hyper color shorts. Yeah, sure the shirt will show off your teenage armpit heat and or breasts but as a teenager I had the shorts too. No teenage boy needs heat sensitive shorts. Stick with the shirts Hyper color!-out of 5.
OK so moving on. Here we have another entry from a fancy chocolate bar. There are millions of these things on the market and I have had maybe two that were worth buying a second time. For all I know maybe that is the $8 chocolate bar business model. Get everyone once. That is all you need. Anyway, I digress, S found this for me. I believe at a local market. (Isn't that helpful?) Look. It is Edamame and sea salt. A chocolate bar with those two things. This is like a low calorie snack meets an actually enjoyable snack. (Just kidding. Love me some edamame. Isn't this helpful as well?) All I know is that I don't see salted milk chocolate often. Bitter or dark chocolate sure. Those are complex and assertive chocolates. Salty milk? Yeah, I will pass on that. That sounds gross.
So as is the case ever so often with this style of upscale grocery chocolate (is that a term or classification?) the back of the packaging pleads their case. It is a bad picture here because I don't really care. Look, be proud of what you make. Sure. Just get off you chocolate high horse. Locally source? OK. Good ingredients? Yeah, well nobody admits otherwise. Fast food doesn't say "some of the meat in here was maybe almost not just chemicals once.?" They say "Only the best..." If I buy a snack, I want a snack not a one sheet advertising your mission statement. Your mission statement is the same as every other snack. Get my money and get in my mouth. (That is also probably a rap lyric.) So then I opened the packaging....
What? Now it is crazy sexy time party? There is a manage a trios of chocolate ladies (That sounded worse than intended.) in here. Also there are not one but two more paragraphs. Here is the interesting part. So inside it says that every time you buy their chocolate that they give food to someone who wouldn't have food. (Yeah, like that shoe company.) It sounds to me like they could just not put edamame in their chocolate and those hungry people would have a meal and I could eat the chocolate. Win win. Whatever, lets keep unwrapping this completely not wasteful amount of wrapping on this chocolate.
Whoa there. Easy on the edamame! Don't you know there are starving people waiting for me to buy a chocolate bar so that you can then feed them hopefully anything but this? (OK. This sounds harsh and I want to apologize to blah blah blah for all the stuff. We good?)
S- I really don't get the edamame. I get the texture. It is chewy. I really don't care for this. 1 out of 5. They get one style point for the inside packaging.
d- I knew it. Salty milk chocolate. This is disgusting. Let the record show (of this fake food blog) that we both love salt but this is a misuse altogether. The edamame is like something fell into the chocolate machine. Like an old worm or something dried up and unpleasant. (Not a pleasant worm, like the one in the movie Labyrinth.) I give this a 1-pizza bun burger -out of 5. (What is a pizza bun burger? it is a burger with pieces of pizza as the bun. Duh. It is also a bad idea. Some of you know what I am talking about.)
Next is another treat from the fine people at sugarfina. Here we have some dark chocolate covered goji berries. You can look up what a goji berry is on your own time. I am not a research assistant. I eat stuff and babble. (I am a novice mess at both of those things.) Now here is the problem. Just because you may enjoy a company doesn't mean that everything they make will be your favorite. Sure, it might be but there is always the danger that it won't be for you. That is OK. Everyone can like different things. Hey, I like so many things that you probably don't. Things you might even hate. That is cool. Eat a goji berry and chill. (In your research, did you see they are good for chilling? I know they have alleged health benefits. It isn't for erectile dysfunction is it? You know what? Don't tell me. It isn't important.)
Side note: No real aroma when opening the container. This snack sort of feels like a chocolate covered raisin.
S- Nope. There is something weird about it. This reminds me of a chocolate covered raisin that has been badly burned first. Ugh. I give this negative points. Less than nothing.
d- The "dark chocolate" shell first gracefully shatters revealing an emaciated fragment of a mere cat's toenail. (possibly) Do you remember wax lips? this is like eating the part of those that had a sore on it. (Too much?) Well, it isn't great. Nobody should eat these. I just want to move on. I give this a 0-New Kids On the Block reunion-out of 5. (Come on. You had your run. Donnie, you are going to throw your hip out dry humping that amplifier.)
Alright. This is the end. We end it with this. The Idaho Spud. This is an old candy. Like 1918 old. The candy bar reads "The candy bar that makes Idaho famous." Which just goes to show you that once, a long time ago, "famous" meant something entirely different. Also a long time ago, i guess you could put sugar on anything and call it "candy." Case in point: see below.
What the eff??? It is like they aren't even trying. Oh so this is what a potato looks like? They must have been so confused at all of the potatoes that their cat had laid in the litter box. Now, I had hopes that S would really like this one as it involves some sort of coconut but upon seeing it she demanded to see the ingredients. Trust me, they are atrocious. Weird oils and all. What you can't see here is that beneath the attractive exterior is a very creative interpretation of a marshmallow. This isn't right. Somebody check the Idaho water supply. Something has gone horribly awry and not only is nobody fixing it. They are claiming it. If I made this, I'd blame everyone else. However, the rule is that we have to try it.....
S- No way. This is some REAL weird stuff. Here, let me see what is in it. Ugh. I hate this. I hate this the most. This is inedible. Worse than negative points. No style points for things that look like poop.
d- You know how a really horrid version of magic shell tastes when it is covered in dead skin? NO? Well, I do and it is what makes Idaho famous! The gritty exterior is a marvelous precursor to the grainy texture of the chemical marshmallow that lie in wait beneath it. (Chemical Marshmallow is my favorite early 90s rock band BTW.) I give this a 0-Lip Smackers. Alright, cool it. People like mint and berry lip gloss. Nobody who is 8 needs to know what a pina colada tastes like much less lips that taste like a pina colada. No teenager needs root beer lip gloss. "Hey Glen, what was your first kiss like?" Eh, root beer. "You ain't never kissed anyone Glen. That is why you make gross jokes when you leave restrooms. Weirdo."-out of 5.
It is good to be back. I will try to post every week on mouth watering Wednesday. (That is what everyone calls it right?) I have a wonderful assortment of snacks so far that have been gifted to me or that I have sought out. Thanks for taking the time to read this drivel. As always, don't take my word for it. Go try these snacks and all of the others "reviewed" and form your own opinions from experiences. Blah blah blah and stuff,
dirk.
Alright, I am done. Normally there is at least a positive snack in the bunch but these are all terrible. albeit terrible in their own special different ways. Like us all.
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