What is in a name really? If you ask me-EVERYTHING. You see, being named Dirk, many people in my life have gotten my name wrong. Sure, now there are olympic athletes and ball players named Dirk but for some reason people still get it wrong. Derrick. Yea, people are constantly thinking that I say my name is Derrick. Do me a favor and say my name and then say Derrick. Notice a difference? Yes? Me too. A big one. My name is short and one syllable. I have a one clap name. Derrick sounds like a name created by combining two names. Like naming a kid after both parents. Like Dermot and Rick named their son after themselves. I am not saying there is anything wrong at all with Derrick having two dads. I am saying his name is stupid.
The thing about naming something is you are the person in complete control. That is to say, you are responsible for how this all unfolds. Wether it is naming a kitten or a child or even your own business, there is a chance that you might not make the best decision. Maybe have a consultant or someone help you. Anywho, it is with this idea of names that we approach todays snacks. So open up, this is all true and at times a tad difficult to swallow.
(*Today's rating scale will feature names that I am glad I don't have.)
Yes. That is a sack of Ding Dongs. It is not the first snack called a ding dong but since Hostess just filed for chapter 11, it may be the last. I found this on a recent trip to an Asian grocery store. The cost was around 2 dollars. Let's just take a moment to admire the weird creepy elf that is clearly up to something questionable. He is doing that shifty sideways glance and putting a finger to his lips partly to express craftyness and also to signal that we shouldn't tell anyone about what he was about to do with that bell. I like nothing about being forced into some kind of blood oath with some kind of under dwelling being. Now look at his pinky. That isn't how I ring a bell. That IS how I drink tea but ring a bell? I think not Derrick. I think not.
Ok so we have a snack mix. Lets just look and see what is all in.....um, what the f*ck is cornick? Now I know what those other things are but cornick? Also just to be honest, look at how they put "All in one snack." after the list of things in the sack. Like it is a miracle. LOOK! BEHOLD AT THIS AMAZING FEAT! I TOOK THESE SEPARATE THINGS-PUT EM IN A BAG AND NOW THEY ARE ONE. I AM THE GOD OF DING DONG. (Please don't refer to me as that.) Look buddy, any random crap you put in a bag is the same thing. I mean anything you eat at one point in time becomes a uniform snack. Ok, lets just move on. Lets open the bag.
Well, you may have noticed that everything in the bag is tiny. Like the size of baby teeth. Oh and curls? I think not. None of the chip curls are actually long enough to curl. There are peanuts in there. The tiniest peanuts that I have ever seen. I decided to taste all the parts individually and to be honest they all taste the same. All parts taste like corn. So despite the phenomenon of putting all these different things in a bag, it all tastes like just one thing. Yes, even the peas. I am sure kid's have been wishing for years that peas tasted like corn but I am rather disappointed. The snack isn't salty or strange in flavor it just is corn. Tiny corn snack is what they should call it. I mean I didn't eat a lot of it but I imagine somebody out there really likes Ding Dong and when their friend invites them to lunch they say "I would but I am so full of Ding Dong right now."
I give this snack a 2-Fanny Whiffers, I mean boy or girl this kid is going to get sat on. A ton.-out of 5.
Ok, so now we have moved on to Cracker Nuts. While the name isn't quite as unfortunate as the first snack, it isn't great either. Not just because I am white either. (You racist.) I am willing to bet that this snack is 50% cracker and 50% nuts. Unlike the first snack which was (hopefully) 0% dong. (This product was procured for me by my awesome wife from Fubon.)
Yep. They are simply peanuts that have been cracker coated and seasoned. This flavor being "Hot and spicy". Once again I have been mislead by packaging for my cracker nuts were neither hot nor spicy. Flavor wise, they taste like peanuts with a stale coating. Much like if you ever got any kind of peanut snack out of a quarter vending machine. They always tasted stale. Like the bowling alley or where ever you were eating them was built around that vending machine. Like you are eating a piece of history. It isn't terrible really. You first taste the seasoning which is sodium and a pinch of pepper and maybe some cayenne. Then the cracker shell busts open and you got nuts in your mouth. The end. Not a bad snack altogether. Heck I might even try the other flavors. Well, maybe not. I still have half my cracker nuts left.
I give this snack a 3-Felanie- like melanie but with an f. And if you think she isn't going to smoke by the age of 12 and be preggers by 15, you gotta another thing coming-out of 5.
This was found in the jewish section of a regular grocery store. It is a Kosher snack. I am not Jewish so I have no idea what that means but I believe it involves a rabbi. Can we just take a second and notice what the hell is happening on the bag. I mean did the kids from Rugrats grow up and start a Kosher chip company? Chuckie has lost some weight and Tommy had to get glasses that is too bad. Looks like he never got a full head of hair either. Huh. Bummer.
Ok It also hails from Israel. Which I have been spelling "isreal" all this time. Like 'yo this place IS REAL!.' Thanks spell check.
Oh. Well that doesn't look like a cheese curl. In fact it looks healthy. Like it is made of wheat. The chips have the texture of concrete. Seriously. I think you could skin a knee on one. They don't have an overwhelming bbq flavor either. Really they have a flavor like you should feel ashamed for trying to eat chips. Like you should not only not eat chips but if you do then you should eat these so that you could wish that you weren't eating chips. If that makes sense. There was nothing sinfully delicious about this snack. Actually it mostly tasted like wheat and sadness. I think you could taste the tears from whomever tilled the wheat in the snack. Bissli- a tear in every bag.
I give this snack a 2-Ivana Mandic. Yep. That is an actual name of a girl from Yugoslavia. You can see here id online. It is a classic terrible name. How she survived high school we may never know. Or if he did-out of 5.
Thanks to my wife for support and awesomness and thank you for reading. Snack on!
Lastly here is a strange picture from the top of the bag-
You are welcome.
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