.FOOrD BLOOrG. A new Beginning (in chocolate)

It seems odd to me-how we dissect time by 365 days. Yet we do and once new years happens we act like everything has a chance to renew, be better, and leave the rest in the previous year. That is so weird but many of us feel that way. By changing that one digit on our checks (who writes checks anymore?) we concrete ourselves in a new era- a dawn of things to come. Hope and ambition (aside from hangovers) most often are attributed to the beginning of a  new year. The idea that this is the year. Our year, things will align and great things will happen. Often old hatchets will be buried, bad blood will be forgotten, or at least a second chance will be given.

This is more the case of the seventeenth chance given but it is given nonetheless. In this entry we have two chocolate treats and I am aided by Sarah, Dave and Mark.  In the event that you haven't noticed-I am taking this snack review blog very, very, very, seriously now.

This product was procured at a Foster & Dobbs in Portland, OR. I selected it because it sounded pretty indecent to the digestive system. It was around $6 in cost. I realize that isn't the best selection method but that is the truth. I don't really know anyone who enjoys white chocolate. To be completely honest, I think it is kind of creepy. Like white people. Ok, I don't really think white people are creepy. (Except really white people. Like me but with light grey eyes...and sharp teeth. Oh no, I need to focus and not get off topic. Serious.)

So this chocolate has pink pepper corn and lemon within it. Enticing? I thought it would taste like throw up. Or more precisely like one had thrown up. However, Dave and Mark were over and so the four of us tasted this product. What follows is a sampling of how that event went down:

S-Mmm. It is good. It tastes like lemon bars. I don't taste the peppercorn though. (At this point, Sarah scoured the chunks of chocolate bar for a visible pepper corn.) Wow. It is really good with the pepper corn. 5 out of 5.

Dave- Oh yeah. This is delicious. (Takes second piece) Yep. This is really good! (Takes third piece)
5 out of 5.

Mark-This is very interesting. It is very much chocolate. It is very good. 5 out of 5.

dirk-Hmm. It tastes like bad lemon flavored white chocolate and I don't get any peppercorn. (Encouraged to take second piece.) Ok, I get it. Needs more pink peppercorn. That is what ties it altogether. 3 out of 5.

Our second choice was found at the Woodsman Market also here in Portland, OR. The Woodsman is a cool little market next to the Woodsman tavern and Stumptown. They have high end groceries and local top quality products (like Marshall's Haute Sauce). At the counter we found a selection of Woodblock Chocolates.

After the encouragement of the sales lady we went with the salt and nibs flavor. I mean what isn't better with salt? Answer: eye drops. Eye drops are way better if you don't put salt in them. No joke sister, serious knowledge for you. Serious. Also wet denim swim shorts. Do not put salt in your wet denim swim shorts. You will not be comfortable in salt filled denim swim shorts. (I mean, why did you choose denim swim shorts in the first place? Were they out of pleather and camel hide? Also where do you shop? Their tailor has some serious issues and may have never in fact been swimming. Now if you want to have some real fun just palm some salt. Just enough to lightly dust your hand and then shake somebody's hand. Do not acknowledge that you have a weird crunchy dust on your hand and if they say anything just shrug like your hands are always crispy and weird. Now just sit back while they spend the rest of the day wondering what could be crystalized all over the palm of a persons hand. Oh no, I am doing it again.

Seriously serious guys.

As you can discern from the above photo-this company is a proud PDX product. I don't recollect the price but I'd guess between 3 to 5 dollars. I think it was 4 dollars American. (Like you are going to use Rubles. Remember Yakov Smirnoff? Whatever happened to that guy?) Regardless of that previous fiddle faddle here is the breakdown:

Dave-Whoa. Intense. I like it but it is SO intense. 4 out of 5.

S- I give it a 3 for having never had anything like it. Having said that, I kinda feel sick. 3 out of 5.

Mark-Wow man. This is really intense. It is high quality and really good but not at all my thing. I can't think of a time that I would want it. Ever. So I have to give it a 2 out of 5 for that reason.

dirk-AH! Woo! Bitter. Salty. WHOA! It is really good but SUPER gnarly. This chocolate is not f*cking around. This isn't chocolate that you taste. This chocolate tastes you and it tastes blood and wants to kill your face!!!! OK. Maybe not but it isn't a joke. At all. 3.5 out of 5 for sheer unbridled force.

So there you have it, a serious snack post...Ugh. Ok I tried but I can't do this. POOP, BOOGER, PEE PANTS and ghosts probably toot in your water glass at night. . . . (sigh) There, I mean sure it is a new year but lets not get unrealistic. Lets just agree to be who we are alright? The same weird off kilter but functional people that those around us can tolerate and in some cases love. There isn't anything wrong with that. At all.

Check out this link to something Dave is doing currently with his friend Mark

vanuary.com

Check out this band. 2012 is going to give us their second album named after Dave Drusky. I am guessing it will be many peoples album of the year pick.

http://www.capybaramusic.com/

thanks again for reading. I will be back soon with the usual bad jokes and snacks. It is a joke people. I am not going legit in anyway what so ever. I am and will be a mess. See you soon. Really soon.

p.s. Change the water in your bedside glass. No reason. (Ghost Dad)